


We never go out of style

by RuthlessGameOfLove



Category: One Direction (Band), Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Drama, F/M, Family Drama, Family Fluff, Fluff, Haylor, Kind of AU, Mutual Pining, POV First Person, Pregnancy, Smut, Unplanned Pregnancy, haylor OTP, heavy smut, mature content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:42:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 61
Words: 192,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuthlessGameOfLove/pseuds/RuthlessGameOfLove
Summary: This is my first fanfiction posted after an 8 years break, please, be kind. :)"They both know they burn each other whenever they get together. It's inevitable.But you know what else is inevitable? Getting back together every time.They attract each other like opposed magnets over and over again without ever managing to stay away, despite the fact they keep breaking each other's hearts.This time though, they will have to make do with what they got going on. Come hell or high water, they're willing to stay together now and fight to make this work."Please be aware that this story is written per Taylor's point of view so though I try my best, if you're not a Taylor stan, you might not like it as there's only so much Harry in there.This is a work of FICTION and it diverges from reality a bit to fit the PLOT, which is a creation of my imagination and nothing more.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Taylor Swift
Comments: 126
Kudos: 119





	1. Dress

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Ribbons & Curls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17938910) by [loveinslowmotion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveinslowmotion/pseuds/loveinslowmotion). 



> English isn't my first language and I don't have a beta reader, so any mistakes? I'm so sorry.  
> I promise it's not all smut, but this chapter is pretty heavy on it, I'm afraid.

We're bad for each other.  
We both know that. We've felt it burning into our skins. Tearing us apart painfully. We know that. We've been through this too many times before. It's burned into the back of our brains. 

Still, I find myself being pressed tightly against the door I closed not 5 seconds ago.

His lips roaming free down my neck going towards my chest. 

Goosebumps raise all over my body as I feel him caressing my side and my back with his hands and taking his sweet time making a trail between my left ear and my chest and all warning thoughts I could possibly have are now long gone. 

I get off my heels as he kisses my lips and his tongue tangles up with mine inside my mouth. We're in the heat of this moment when I feel his hand traveling up my dress and then I know we are beyond any point of turning back. 

He pulls me off the door towards the general direction of the bed and I go with him without any resistance while tangling my hands in his nice hair. 

We separate long enough for me to pull his shirt off while he unzips his jeans.  
My hands roam his chest and we resume kissing. I motion to take my dress off and he breaks the kiss with a smirk while holding my hands efficiently stopping me from doing anything. 

"We can do it with your dress still on, babe. I need to see you scream my name in that tight dress of yours." He says and I see his eyes staring at me, dark with what I can only imagine is want. 

I thought about how that could end in disaster. Like how maybe we'd stain my dress or how he could very well tear it with all that we had going on, or how it could end up leaving marks on my skin due to friction, but like I said before, any and every warning thoughts I could possibly have was long gone so I grin and lie back on the bed we've now reached. 

In a fast move, he reaches under my dress and hooks his fingers in my underwear while looking at me as if to ask for permission, which I grant by lifting off the bed to help him get it off.  
I shouldn't comply, but I can't hold back from him so I do.  
He climbs on top of me and I can feel his hot breath gently blowing on my face. He still has the same smell to his breath. Mint gum.  
A hint of alcohol too. But the mint was so strong and ever-present. 

"How do you wanna play this love?" He asks me and I hear him faintly over the sound of my own panting breath. I take a second to recompose so that my voice won't sound as needy as I feel right now. I feel the blood rushing into my ears and I barely register myself answering him. 

"However the hell you want to." I say displaying more coolness than what I actually dispose of right now. 

Though I knew that once he touched me, he'd instantly know how much I wanted him. 

"Are you sure?" 

I nod. 

"Just be a little gentle." I said as I looked away. 

"Always" He responded in a heartbeat.

I knew he'd be gentle. He always is. A reminder once in a while can't hurt though.

"I might need some help first in order to take all of you though." I whispered kind of embarrassed.

"I'll be kind, love. Don't worry." He said and waited a second before he was convinced I wasn't going to say anything else. He waited too long so I crashed my lips into his and we resumed what was going on before. 

I felt his hand traveling up my dress again and that made me so excited I could feel my hands shaking while tangled up in his hair again.  
His finger brushed through my center and a shiver traveled my entire body. 

Everything was so fast, rhythmic, rushed but at the same time, calm, soft, and gentle. 

"Someone was very much ready for me. I like it." He teases me as I feel him gathering moisture and rubbing it all over for lubrication. 

I can't think straight so it's not like I can come up with an answer. 

His lips are glued to mine now and I know he's smirking. 

"Is this ok babe?" He asks as his finger finds a rhythm rubbing my sensitive spot in circles.

"Hm" I tried forming a coherent thought to answer but I'm unable to do so. So I nod instead. 

"One or two?" He asked as his finger graze my opening almost begging for entrance that I'd gladly grant. 

"One." I tell him and wait for his next move. 

He enters me with one finger and it drives me insane and renders me into an even bigger mess. I feel like I'm going to self-combust if he doesn't do more with it. 

"Move." I tell him and the teasing I was anticipating never comes. Instead, he finds a slow rhythm. 

A few thrusts in and he knows I offer no resistance, so he inserts a second finger and that makes me wince because of the burning feeling of being stretched. 

"Are you ok?" He asks instantly stopping. 

I can't think clearly so I try to move against him instead in search of the friction and release I craved but he held me in place waiting for an answer. 

"Are you ok? Is this ok?" He asks again. 

"Yeah. Just... It's been a while. I'm good." I said as soon as I could muster the power. 

He nods and resumes fingering me in small circles with two of his fingers trying to prepare me for what was to come, while simultaneously rubbing me to make this as pleasurable for me as it could be. 

Embarrassingly, a short time later, my back was arching off the bed while my entire body was shaking from being pushed over the edge. His fingers are slowing down to allow me to ride this out and his lips are kissing my lips and my neck. He's gentle and slow now trying to give me a minute but he never stops completely. So he builds me up close to a second time and then abruptly stops. 

I snap my eyes open at the sudden lack of contact. 

"Why'd you stop?" I whine. 

"You'll get what you want, love. Don't worry. I just need to get out of these." He said while reaching for his boxers. 

I don't waste much time as I wrap my hand around him giving it a little squeeze that I know, always drives him insane, and I feel his breath faltering. I smile at that. 

He hikes up my dress to grant him better access and resumes kissing me and rubbing himself over me. 

After what felt like forever with him just rubbing himself against me up and down, I felt him lining into my entrance about to go through but then he faltered again. 

"I need to put on a condom now, love. Will you hold on?" He says looking into my eyes and I nod as he climbs off of me and into the bathroom. 

He comes back a second later with a condom on and we resume all the making out. 

I haven't seen him in over six months, which is unlike us. We can't stay apart more than a couple of weeks at a time, but he had found someone and she really deserved a chance, so I went and found someone too. 

It was unfair to the guy I was with, but I needed to try and move on so I wasn't all the time thinking about how I wish my ex-boyfriend's relationship would fail so he'd come back to me. I needed to give myself a chance too, so I did. 

My relationship lasted for all of two months, much to the disgrace of my already bad reputation. But he lasted until a month ago. So we hadn't seen each other in a while. 

I had been alone since my last relationship was over, so that had to be on the line of three, maybe almost four months of no contact with anyone, so when he lined up, coated himself on my juices and tried to push himself in, it was rather painful. 

He kept looking at me and kissing me while trying to break through my resistance. 

"Love, I'm gonna have to push. Is that ok?" He asked knowing how this would likely hurt a bit. 

"Go ahead." I said. 

"Wanna tangle your hand up in my hair?" He offered a soft smile and I nodded smiling too while my hand found his hair again. "Ready?" He asked and I nodded. 

"Yeah." 

He pushed hard enough to break through my first ring of muscle resistance right at the entrance, but not hard enough that he'd go through me in one swift move. 

I closed my eyes tightly to control some of the burning but my breath caught in my throat.

He broke through and stopped, holding me with both his hands while waiting for me to catch my breath and open my eyes again to grant him permission to move forward.

"You okay love?" He asked after a minute. 

"Yeah." I said as I swallowed hard. "You can start moving now." 

He did start moving forward at that but awfully slow while he couldn't seem to control his own breath. He was shaking so much that I noticed. 

"Are you ok?" I asked this time. 

"Yeah. It's just you're so tight right now it almost sent me over. That would've been embarrassing." He laughed a bit and I did too. 

Once he was all the way in, he stopped for a second to catch his own breath this time and then started moving. Slowly so as to not hurt me but picking up his pace as the minutes went by. 

Not long after, he was pounding into me as the bed made screeching sounds muffled by the sounds of our own moanings and pantings. 

"I'm almost there." I said as he kissed my neck in a sloppy open-mouthed kiss. 

"Me too. Do you wanna change angles now? I'm not sure I can offer that down the line." He smirked. 

"Yeah. Sure." 

He slowed to a stop and pulled himself out while climbing off of me to allow me to scoot down to the side of the bed where he stood. 

I wrapped my legs around him again and he slides into me easily this time and resumed pounding into me again. 

Not long after that, my legs faltered, my hips went all the way up off the bed and my hands were white, looking devoid of any blood from how hard I held on to the sheets as my second climax hit me that night. 

He didn't slow down this time though. Instead, he kept going trying to reach his own climax and after a few minutes, he did and collapsed forward on top of me. 

I held him in place for a few moments but that proved to be an uncomfortable position now, so I nudged him slightly just to get him to move. 

"Give me a minute love. I can't move yet." He mumbled. 

"This is uncomfortable." I whined. 

"One minute..." He said into my chest where his head was buried. 

I waited for a moment and then felt him hustling and moving, pulling himself out of me. 

I looked into his eyes for a second and he now looked like the kid I used to date and that reminded me of why I loved him in the first place. 

That's mindless dreaming whatsoever, so I push it aside and scoot back into the bed. 

"You okay babe?" He asks while he cleans himself up. 

"Yeah." I say. "Will you help me get out of this dress though? It's too tight now." 

"Someone's looking for another round, I see." He smirked as I slap his arm closest to me. 

"Shut up." I laugh a bit. 

"You gotta give me a moment, love. I can't go for another round yet." He said laughing as my hands swatted at him again. 

"Stoooop!" I whine half laughing. 

"Ok. Ok." He said raising his hands in surrender. "Come here, I'll help you." 

He does indeed help me get out of my dress, but by the way his breath hitches, I already know he's not yet done with me so I wait for his next move. 

He's standing behind me slowly lowering my dress off of my shoulder slightly chasing it down with a trail of kisses wherever my skin gets exposed. 

"You are so gorgeous, love." He says with his lips pressed into my skin. "We're so good together. How the fuck am I expected to hold back from you?" He pants into my ear now and I shiver throwing my head back granting him more access to me. 

He moves my dress down to my midline and his hands instantly shoot up to cup my breast. I saw that coming a mile away though. 

"You've got the most beautiful body I have ever seen. Fuck. You drive me insane. You know that?" He says as his hands massage my breast and start traveling down to my stomach. 

"I missed you so much." He says. "You have no idea." He says as my dress is pushed all the way down to my thighs. 

He nudged me a bit to let me know I should turn around.  
I do so while at the same time pulling the dress all the way down and off my body and he just watches in what can only be described as awe for what he's seeing. 

His lips crash into mine and his hands unclasp my plain black bra letting my breast go free. He cups them once again and squeezes lightly. He knows exactly what to do with them and I know that. 

His mouth soon takes one of his hand's place and he starts flicking my nipple with his tongue. Not too light but not too rough either. Just the way I like it. 

He alternates between one breast and the other until he lets go with a pop. 

"Can I taste you, babe?" He asks and I nod. 

"Yeah." 

"Lie down at the headboard on your back for me and get comfy." He directs and I follow his instructions. 

This is a path already carved between us but still, we communicate because we've learned that silence doesn't work well between us. So we say again, over and over, things that we both already know, but at least it's out there, said, turning everything fail-proof. 

Or so I thought. 

His mouth travels to my nipples again and he stays there for a minute settling down half on top of me. 

After we're both comfortable and my moans are growing incessant, he travels down through my stomach, kissing everything in his path down, until he's kissing my thighs on the inside, almost touching me where I now need him to again, but purposefully avoiding it. 

I whine a little and he smirks.  
His left hand finds my right one and intertwines our fingers. I know he's on his way to shoot me up into the sky because that's his M.O with me. "Holding your hand so you don't float away, love" he'd always say to me while smiling his huge dimpled smile. 

He settled between my legs and I finally felt his tongue licking a big stripe down my center. I'm already very much worked up and he knows that, so he takes his time, enjoying every second of it while drawing patterns onto me like I'm a blank page. 

My breath is ragged now so he knows I'm extremely close. He slows down only to rile me up. He's expecting it and I know it but it never fails to frustrate me and get me into a huge whining mess. Not that I'm proud of that. It's just how it goes with us. There's a pattern and it's not at all surprising, but it never fails to please anyway. 

He takes mercy on me fast this time and his mouth resumes working me up harder and harder, closer and closer to the edge. I'm shaking at this point and my stomach is coiling. I feel that build up in my lower belly until it suddenly exploded and I'm thrown over the edge once again screaming his name over and over again. 

It takes me a moment, but then I realized he didn't slow down to let me ride it out. Instead, he's still going strong and I peak down. His eyes trained into my face for any cues but it never comes. Instead, he builds me up again and dangles me from the edge again, threatening to shoot me up high like a firework. I can't resist and he knows that. 

A few more minutes and I'm shaking so badly that his free hand shoots up to hold my hips in place. 

My free hand finds his hair and I hold onto it for dear life. I'm so close to reaching yet another orgasm that I keep pushing his head closer to me to get more friction, but at the same time, I'm a bit sensitive already so I keep pushing him backward too. 

He manages to send me screaming over the edge again and my legs lock around his head this time. He knows I've reached my limit this time so he slows down to a stop, kissing my center before prying my legs open with his hand while kissing the inside of my thighs again. 

He looks up at me again, caressing my stomach now and my arms to calm me down. I'm still violently shaking and I can't control my breathing so he comes up to lie down by my side and pulls me into his arms. 

"You were so beautiful, love." He says as his hands brush off all the hair now stuck into my face. "How the fuck do you always manage to look so beautiful?" He continues. I know he's doing it to calm me down mostly, but there's a part of me that will always thrive under his compliments and affection. "You were perfect love. The way you always drive me insane is so amazing. It makes my world stop. Only you can do that, you know? Fuck." My breathing has slowed down to normal now and the shaking is basically done. 

"That was amazing. Thank you." I tell him. 

"No. I should be thanking you for allowing me to witness such a work of art coming undone. You truly are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen love." His arms are still holding on to me and caressing me all over. His lips find mine and he gives a bunch of short pecks. "Are you okay?" He asks looking into my eyes. 

"Yeah. I'm great." I answer smiling. 

"Do you want me to clean you up?"

"Hm. No. I'm a bit sensitive now. I'll just go to the bathroom in a second." 

"Mkay." He breathes in and out for a few minutes. "Can I stay here tonight?" He asks and I nod. 

"Yes. Please." 

I nuzzled my nose into his neck and he granted me space to cuddle into him further and I do.  
As I'm almost drifting into sleep, I feel him shaking me slightly. 

"Hmm?" I make a noise that can only be understood as me acknowledging his insistent nudging.

"You need to go clean up babe. I don't want you to get a UTI or anything." 

"Uhum." 

"Come on. I'll go with you." 

"Tired." I mumble. 

"I know. Which is why you should just go? Get cleaned up and get back here to sleep." 

I wait a few seconds. He's right. I know that. But I'm so comfortable right now that I just don't want to move and just as I'm about to doze off again, he shakes me a second time. 

"I can feel it when you're drifting, you know?" He chuckles. "You grow heavier on my chest when you do. Come on." He says getting up and pulling me with him. 

"Fiiiine!" I whine again while getting up to walk to the bathroom. 

"You wanna shower?" He asks once we're inside and the excitement in his voice doesn't fail to show me what he thought about. "Maybe we can close up this night with a golden key?" His eyes sparkle. 

"Settle down horny boy. There's just so much I can take at once." I laugh a bit and he pouts. I kiss him on the lips. "Sorry babe. Maybe in the morning." I tell him and he perks up at the thought. 

"Ok. I'll leave you to clean up." He kisses me again and leaves the bathroom so I can take care of my business. 

Once I do, I go back to the room and he's already in bed under the covers. I quickly check my phone on the bedside table and notice it's 2am. We've been here since about a half past midnight.  
There are a couple of texts but none that couldn't wait until morning so I put it down.

I thought about getting some clothes on but the thought of having to search for them proves to be too much so I settle down in bed too. 

"Come here, love." He calls me up into his arms again and I scoot towards him under the covers. 

He stares into my eyes and I divert mine because I feel stupid with the thoughts I can see going through my mind and I don't want him to know. 

"I missed you." He starts. 

"I missed you too." I look up to him again. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" I nod. "I'm scared that this is all I'll get for the rest of my life." 

My heart drops. 

"What do you mean?" I ask almost in a whisper. 

"I just have so many feelings for you and I don't really know what they are. And when we're together like this, in dark rooms after pinning over each other in crowded rooms, I feel alive and electrified. But if we dare to want anything more than secret meetings, we tear each other apart and I hate it because when I look at you lying so close to me like right now, I can't help but feel like I want more. So I'm scared that this is going to be all I get for the rest of my life. Wanting you so badly but at the same time, not being able to have you." I look down for a moment. "Do you feel that way too?" 

I slowly nod. 

"I'm scared that us circling back to each other and attracting each other over and over without ever being able to settle down neither together nor apart is going to be it. Like, we blew it once so we don't get a second chance." 

"There. You put it into better words." He kissed my cheek. "Do you think we can actually work together at some point?" I shrug. "Do you think this would be something you want right now?" He whispers close to me. 

"Yeah." I say. "But we hurt each other a lot and I don't think I can survive being hurt like that again." I say and he nods defeated. 

"I could stay, you know?" 

"Stop it. You can't do that. It's against the rules." 

"I swear I'd love you right this time. You can have me." 

"I mean it. Stop it. You won't keep your words and It'll kill me this time." I can feel the tears coming so I cut myself short from a rant. 

"I could make you happy, love." 

"I am happy." 

"I could make you happier." 

I don't say anything to that. 

"We could try again. No one has to know." 

"We can wait until morning light and then talk clearly about it." I say. "We need to be a bit clearer about this than our post-sex bliss brains will allow us for this moment. How about that?" 

"Sounds like a plan." He says and I hear the hint of sadness into his voice. 

I kiss him good night, long and slowly until I'm out of breath.  
I turn in his arms with my back to him and he holds me close that night.


	2. 4 AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead. 
> 
> I promise that as the story progresses, it gets a bit milder and develops a good plot rather than just this. Bear with me. It'll be worth it. :)

I'm jolted awake and upon opening my eyes I realize it's not yet morning. 

I have no idea what woke me up whatsoever, so I lift my head to look around as I'm lying on my stomach now.  
  
Everything is rather dark still and everything seems quiet and still. It might've been a dream that woke me up like that, so I'm about to settle down again when I'm proven wrong by the sudden contact of a very cold hand to my boob under me. 

The scream that leaves me can only be described as inhumane.

"What the actual fuck Harry?" I jump up so high off the bed that I now find myself into a sitting position with the covers hanging off of me around my waist. "You scared the shit outta me." I punch him in the chest as he's laughing so hard.

"Your face was priceless though." He manages to say through his laugh. 

"What's the matter with you? It is 4 am. Why are you touching me with that fucking dead hand of yours at this ungodly hour?" I ask incredulously as I make my way to lie back down but on my back this time. 

"I couldn't sleep anymore and I was here patiently waiting for you to wake up but you were just taking so long." He looked up grinning at me. 

"Fuck you. It's 4. Why would you want me awake right now?" I ask grumpy as I lie back down by his side facing him. 

"You know... Because morning is gonna come soon and we're gonna follow up on our days and then, who knows how long it'll be before we see each other again?" He says scooting closer to me. 

"Watch that hand. I'm really warm right now and I'm seriously gonna injury you if you do that again." I say and he laughs while he hides his hands under himself. 

"So now that you're awake, finally, we could maybe go get that shower you promised me?" He asks hopeful. 

"You did not." I say propping myself up on my elbows to look at him better. "No. You did not just wake me up at 4 in the morning so you could fuck me in the shower." He laughs. 

"Well..." He says. 

"How old are you? 16?" I say amused. "How horny can you actually be that you felt like waking me up at 4 in the morning after only letting me get roughly about an hour and a half of sleep wash a good idea?" I actually chuckled at that. 

"I'll have you know that I'm 20, okay?!" He pouts. "Also, very, very horny." He laughs quite loudly as he throws his arm around my middle now that his hands are actually warm too.

I end up laughing too. 

"I'm lying right beside the sexiest woman alive. Can you actually blame me?" He kisses the side of my lips while his hands caress my breasts. "Fuck. I love waking up naked to you. Have I told you that?" 

"You didn't have to." I smirk. "The way your hands can never leave my boobs alone is a dead giveaway baby." 

He pinches me lightly and I squirm under his touch until his lips find mine again. 

"Please?" He says. 

"I am most definitely not getting up to shower with you at 4 am babe. I'm sorry to disappoint you." I tell him and he knows I mean it. 

"But you promised me." He argues. 

"It's not morning yet." 

"But it's gonna be morning when we're done. That's gotta count for something." 

"Are you kidding me? You were planning to fuck me in the shower for over 2 hours?" I asked and my eyes are as wide as they can go. 

"We're young and alive. We can take it." He joked. 

"You're young. I'm old. An old lady needs to sleep, baby. It's sleepy time." I joke closing my eyes against his neck. 

"No!!!" He whines shaking me and I laugh. 

"Do you not have any self-control? Jeez child." I laugh already knowing I'm gonna give in because I feel it too.  
This magnetic pull that makes us want to be at each other's reach at all times.   
He pinches my butt this time as I mock him and laugh entirely at his expense. 

"Fine. I'll let you have me. But not in the shower. I'm not about to get off this bed to go shower. It's fucking 4 am." I tell him. 

"What about our shower in the morning?"

"You really are wearing me out tonight, aren't you?" He nods grinning as if proud of himself. "I'll think about it." 

"Fair enough." 

He kisses me slowly and I already feel the familiar warmth inside me. 

"Gentle though. I'm already quite sore." I tell him. 

"Always." He smiles. 

He kisses my lips once again. 

His hands start massaging my breasts once again and he pressed into me while his lips travel down my neck on its way to replace his hands on my breast. 

He climbs on top of me and I can feel how hard he actually is already. 

"You drive me insane." He whispers. 

"I could say the same thing about you." I moan loudly the minute I feel his lips enclosing around my nipples. 

My eyes roll back as he gives me a particularly hard suck. He does that randomly a couple more times and then stops before I become too sensitive.

He goes back to kissing my neck and rubbing my breast with his hands instead.

I feel him rubbing himself onto me to gather some of my own juices to help him slide into me and I wait for it. 

"Is this okay, love?" He asks me as the tip of his penis enter me slowly. 

"Yeah." I say with my eyes closed. 

He teases me a bit with only the head going in and out until I'm frustrated with the lack of any real action that can build me up to climax. 

I climb on top of him instead. 

"I'll take control this time. You're taking too long." I smirk at him and he smiles brightly. Though it's dark, I can still see his dimple. 

I align myself and hold onto him so that I can slowly descend while taking all of him in but without aching so much. 

"Wait." He holds me up before I actually take him in. "Are you on birth control?" He asks and I nod. "Is this ok with you?" He asks and I know he means the unprotected sex. 

"Yeah. Are you cool with check-ups and all?" He nods. "Me too. We're good then." 

He lets go of my waist and I slowly let him slide inside me all the way until I can sit down on top of him. 

His hands squeeze my thighs slightly and he throws his head back with his eyes closed.   
I wait for a second before actually moving. 

"Are you good?" I ask and he nods. 

I start moving slowly back and forth rather than up and down because that actually takes a whole lot of energy and strength that I don't seem to possess right now. 

I move slowly at first but start picking up the pace soon in order to bring us both to the edge. 

After a while of riding him that way, I find myself faltering a bit seeing as I'm so close and without any big warnings, I throw myself over the edge and collapse on top of him no longer able to move like that. 

He's still rock hard inside me, but he waits for a couple of minutes before growing impatient and starting to wiggle a bit to get some relief of his predicament. 

"I can finish it myself if you want babe." He offers into my hair barely above a whisper. "Wanna switch?"

I shake my head no and pick myself up. I'm convinced I can finish him too. 

So I work at a much faster pace to bring him over the edge.

Not long after, he's squeezing my sides and his head is thrown back again and I keep moving for a moment until my own climax hits me hard again and makes me collapse on top of him for the second time. 

After a few moments, his hands brush the hair out of my face. 

"Are you ok love?" I nod after a second not really opening my eyes. "I can feel you trying to dose off again. You need cleaning up." He says and I make an unintelligible sound. 

"Did I just break the almighty Taylor Swift and rendered her speechless?" He mocks me and I don't even have the strength to punch him again. 

"Fuck you." I say after a few seconds. 

"No baby, I'm pretty sure I just fucked you!" 

"Stooop!" I whine at him and that makes him laugh harder until I bite his chest lightly. 

"Okay! I'll stop." 

"Hold me. I'm cold." I demand and so he pulls the covers over me and rubs my back up and down on top of the covers. 

"We need to get up though, Tay." He says. 

"I know." I respond. "I will. Soon." 

After five minutes of me just lying on top of him without making any attempts to even move, let alone get up, he sits up pushing me to a sitting position too. 

He pulls out of me and we both go to clean up again.

We lie back in bed and I check the clock on my phone again. It marks a quarter before 5.

"Ugh" 

"What? What is it?" He asks worriedly. 

"It's a quarter before 5 already. I'm doomed. I have to be up at 7. You doomed me." I pushed his chest slightly. 

"What? Did you not enjoy our time awake together?" He smirked.

"That's beside the point." I pretend to be cool about it. 

"Oh my god. You suck." He says laughing. 

"No. Sucking was what you did to my boobs." I say and he pushes me too. 

We laugh for a few seconds before settling down. 

"Let's get some sleep, you adorable dork. I have a big day tomorrow." I said as I cuddle into his chest. 

"I hope you put on your schedule that your first appointment of the day is with me, ma'am." I look at him confused. "You and me in that shower. Don't you dare think I forgot." He points out smiling. 

"How could I possibly forget that? You look like a kid on Christmas Eve knowing full well that Santa is coming and the next morning there'll be lots of presents." I tell him. 

"That's about right." He laughs a bit. "Good night, love." He says and kisses me slowly for a moment.

"Night." I respond. 


	3. Showers and whatnot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of smut, but the plot starts to develop from here on out.

Morning comes faster than I hoped for and next thing I know, I'm gently shaken awake by him. 

"Tay, wake up!" He whispers. 

"Hmm?" I mumble. 

"Wake up." 

"Not again Harry."

"Tay. Wake up. Now." 

"I mean it. Wait until I'm properly awake this time." I huff. 

"Tay did you-" 

"No." I cut him off. 

"Taylor? I'm serious. Wake up." 

"What?" I answer him half annoyed. 

"Someone's at your door. Did you pre-order anything?" 

"No." I'm suddenly very much awake. "Did they knock just once?" 

"Yeah. I think they're still there though. Want me to go check it out?" He asks. 

"And risk someone seeing you in my hotel room? No thank you." I said sharply without intending. "Sorry. I'm just-" 

"Grumpy. I know." He says. "Go see who's at the door." 

Another knock. 

"Who is it?" I asked loud enough for whoever was at the door to hear. 

"It's mom. Can I come in?" 

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

"Uhmm. One second mom. Let me just put on some more clothes." I answer right off the bat. 

"Shit. Quick. Get up." I whisper to him. "She can't see you here." We both go around the bed collecting all his belongings and I go shoving him back towards the bathroom.

I put on a shirt from my suitcase and some underwear and go answer the door. 

"Morning honey." My mom greets me and kisses me on the cheek while hugging me. "Did you sleep well?" She asks. 

"Yeah." I say. 

"You kinda slept through your alarm though. You're gonna be late and Tree is going to freak." 

"Oh. I didn't notice the time. I'm just gonna shower real quick and I'll be out soon." 

"It's ok. Just don't take too long in there. I'll order some breakfast for you. Do you have anything in mind?"

"Just a strawberry smoothy, please." 

"Ok. Tay, be ready in about 40 though so you have some time to actually drink your smoothy." 

"Okay." 

With that, she's out the door and I check the time. 7:15 am. I have 45 minutes to get ready and be out the door. 

I walk into the bathroom with two towels and all my toiletries and Harry is waiting for me by the counter. 

He smirks at me and wraps his arms around me while burying his nose into my mess of a hair. 

"Good morning love." He says. 

"Morning." 

"About that shower thing..." He says. "How late are you gonna be if we do it?" 

"Very. Apparently. But not if you're quick enough." I say. 

"How about a rain check?" He asks. "I don't wanna make you late and I also wanna enjoy this to the most so I don't wanna rush." 

"Ohh is my baby finally tired?" I tease. 

"Don't mess with me, miss. I'd absolutely take you over this counter right now." He tells me. 

"Then do it." I challenge staring into his eyes. 

"You don't mean that." He says. 

"I absolutely do. Work fast, baby. Tik Tok goes the clock." I smile detangling myself from him and pulling my shirt off and pushing my underwear down. 

I walk to the shower and turn the water on and I feel his gaze watching me intently. 

"Are you just gonna stand there or are you going to join me?" I throw over my shoulder. 

At that, he does join me in the shower and doesn't take a lot for him to take me against the shower wall. 

In the middle of it, my mother walks into the room again. 

"Taylor!" I quickly cover his mouth and mine with my hands. "I swear to God you're gonna be late. Come out now!" He licks my hand so I let it drop from his mouth.

"I'm coming!" I tell her. 

"Literally." He whispers and I slap him. 

"Work faster or else we're both walking out high and dry." I warn him. 

He pounds into me for a few more moments and then we're both messes of panting and holding back loud moans. 

He pulls out quickly and we both finish washing. 

"I swear you're a bad influence Styles." I smirk. "You literally pounded into me in a shower wall with my mother lurking outside." We both laugh quietly. 

"What can I say? You make me brave, Swift." 

"I'm gonna go out. Stay here until I leave with her. Okay?" 

"Yes ma'am." He kisses me. "When can we see each other again?" 

"I don't know. I'll text you later." 

"Ok." 

As I'm about to leave, I hear my mother through the door again. 

"Tay, whose phone is this?" She inquires. 

"Mine?" I say but already facepalming. It's likely she found both phones rather than just one. 

"No. The extra one." 

"Oh. Uh. My friend left it with me last night and then I couldn't find them again. I'll return it later." I say as I open the door to the bedroom. 

"What friend?" Leave it to my mother to always be inquiring too much. 

"Harry." I decided to go with half the truth. 

"Styles?" She asks almost incredulous.

"Yeah." 

"Honey..." She looks at me with a pointed look as I search for something to wear. "He's-" 

"Trouble. I know Mom. We're just friends. Okay?" I tell her and she settles down. 

I walk back into the bathroom to change and brush my hair and Harry is there staring at me. 

"What?" I ask. 

"Nothing." 

"I'm gonna have to take your phone." 

"What?" 

"She saw it and she knows I wouldn't leave a friend's phone just lying around for anyone to find like that." 

"Tay-" 

"It'll be just about two hours. Then I'll be back here." I tell him. "You can wait for me here if you'd like?" 

"Ok." He sighs. 

"Thank you." I Peck his lips and leave. 

In a minute, I'm out the door to get my hair done and dress up for my series of short interviews. 

I walk out the doors and as expected, paparazzi is waiting for me so a lot of pictures are taken. 

It's ok. Normal, almost. But one thing I forgot about completely was my fanbase's ability to figure out puzzles. 

So as I'm done with all the interviews for the morning, I learn from my publicist that people are speculating about the second phone I had in my hand and I can't help but facepalm because how could I be so stupid?! 

I check my Tumblr and sure enough, there lies all the theories about whose phone it was and more than a few of those believed the phone was Harry's actually. 

I could almost see the headlines at this point and so could Tree. 

"Do we need damage control here Taylor?" She asks me at the elevator while she's checking her phone for headlines, tabloids, and social media wildfire.

"I don't think so. It'll blow over. It's nothing anyway." I tell her calmly. 

"Are you sure?" She asks. 

"Yeah. Harry and I are friends and he left his phone with me last night. I've already contacted him to come and pick it up. I'll return it and then it'll be over." I say. "Let's just play it like this is some stupid idea anyway because who leaves their phone with their friend and or girlfriend for that matter? It's gonna sound like they're flexing too much and it'll blow over." I tell her and she agrees. 

My floor comes and I get off the elevator. 

"Please, just don't give anyone any more ammunition. Okay? Lay low for the rest of this afternoon. Comment on the interviews and pretend like you haven't seen the pictures." Tree tells me. 

"You got it." 

I walk into my room and Harry is on my bed watching TV. I make my way over to him and plop down on the bed. 

"So..." I start and he looks at me. 

"What did you do Taylor?" He asks me. 

"I may or may not have started a rumor about us." I say sheepishly. 

"What? So much for being quiet huh? How did you do that?" 

"I was seen carrying your phone and my fans figured it out. I haven't confirmed anything at all and I won't. I'm just letting you know you might need a new phone case so as to play it off like it wasn't your phone I was holding." I tell him and he nods. 

"Okay." He opens his arms for me to crawl into his embrace. 

"I'm sorry." I mumble. 

"It's ok. I don't mind it." He says. 

We lay together for a little while and I know something is out of place. 

"What's wrong?" I ask him. 

"Nothing." 

"Tell me." I insist. 

"It's just... I didn't know your mom hated me." 

"She doesn't hate you." I said. 

"This morning she literally changed voices when you mentioned my name." He said as a matter of fact. 

"She just said you're trouble." 

"Exactly." He deadpanned. 

"Exactly what? It's not like you're not trouble, trouble." I try to joke it off. 

"She doesn't like me." He says. 

"Well, you did break her daughter's heart pretty badly." I say. "Multiple times." 

"I know." He sighs. 

"I don't normally lie to her, Harry." I tell him looking into his eyes. "I keep some things, sure, but I almost never lie." 

"I know." 

"She's just being careful. She knows everything about our past experiences. She was there to pick me up afterwards. " 

"I guess she's right to not like me then." 

"She likes you alright. It's just that she'll always like ME better." I said and he actually chuckled. "I'm sure your mama isn't all-out loving me either." 

"Ok. Point taken." He says and I lie back down. 

"Your girlfriend is trying to get back together with you. You didn't tell me you were stringing her along too." I said after a moment. 

"Taylor." He warns. 

"I know. It's against the rules." I shift and he holds onto me to prevent me from getting away. "it's just that this is such a wild concept to me. You literally had me screaming your name in this bed last night. But come to think about it, I'm not the only one screaming your name into the night, am I?" I say almost to a whisper. 

"Tay. Stop it." He says and I hear his gentle tone but it does nothing to appease me. If anything, it riles me up even more. 

"Harry, I'm just saying. We're not exclusive, I know. It doesn't mean it's easy." 

"Taylor, you don't want me. I literally offered to stay last night and you turned it down. You don't want me around but at the same time, you act like I'm just using you and then leaving you behind. What the fuck? We have a deal. I'm not cheating on you with any of those girls." He defends himself harshly. 

"I know." I answer defeated. He was right. 

"Tay, if you'd want me, I'd drop everything and stay and try like hell to make this work. But you don't want that. Do you?" 

"I do. But we're gonna hurt each other again and I don't know if I can survive that." 

"None of those girls are you and that's why my heart refuses to settle down. Can you not see that?" He finishes.

"I'm sorry I brought this up." I say and he kisses my hair. "I'm also sorry I kinda checked your phone. It was just vibrating non-stop. I had to." 

"It's ok. None of it is a secret anyway." He smiles. 

We lay together like that for about 20 minutes before I start drifting off. When I wake up again, it's another knock at the door. 

"Come on." I mumble. "Who is it?" I ask again. 

"Mom." 

"Come in." I tell her while getting off of Harry to lie on my stomach by his side instead. She walks in and immediately spots Harry lying by my side at the headboard.

"Hi, Harry. How are you doing?" He gets up to greet her and they kiss each other on the cheek like the usual.

"Good ma'am. You?" 

"Good. Good." She directs her eyes at me now. "I didn't know you had company, honey. I can come back." My mom says and Harry comes to sit down. 

"It's ok mom. He's here for the phone." I tell her. "We're just hanging out." 

"Oh. Okay." 

"I should get going anyway." Harry cuts off.

"Nonsense, Harry. I was just gonna ask her about lunch. You can absolutely come too. I'd love to have you." My mom says. 

"Yeah. Have lunch with us Styles." I challenge already seeing him squirm a bit trying to come up with a reason as to why he shouldn't. We both knew we couldn't be seen together on a normal day, let alone in a day where I actually had just started a rumor about us.

"I'm sure it'd be a lovely time ma'am but I actually have a plane to catch in a couple of hours. I still need to finish packing. So I really need to get going." He says and she seems to buy that. 

"Raincheck then?" She smiles. 

"Sure thing ma'am." He says getting up. "Tay, thanks for keeping my phone safe. I owe you one."

"No problem." 

"I need to get going though. It was really nice hanging out with you. If you're in London at all during the next month or so, shoot me a text, we can hang out with Ed and the others." 

"Sure. Thanks for dropping by. It was cool hanging out with you too." We both smile and he waves at both me and my mom before he's out the door. 

The rest of that day goes by like a blur and night comes faster than what I expected and already, I missed him.   
I shouldn't, but I missed him. 


	4. Rumor has it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you're in the clear. Enjoy. :)

"Taylor, is it true that you and Harry are back together?" 

"Are you fucking him again?" 

"Do you plan on letting this one break records on being under you?" 

"Don't you think he's just too young?" 

I heard all those questions popped at me by paparazzi right outside my hotel the next morning. 

It's all so cynical. They know I won't answer any of those things but they're hoping for even the slightest reaction so they can plaster my face on tabloids and say that given how my face changed when this or that headline was thrown at me, it most definitely has to be a true statement. 

I walked unbothered with my mom, Tree, and 2 of my security guards towards my car and I didn't wave at anyone this time. 

I just walked out. No phone in hand this time and got into the car. 

"Taylor, we need to maybe discuss this whole Harry thing." Tree said from the passenger side as the driver pulled away from the hotel. 

"There's nothing to talk about really. What is there to say?" I asked putting my seatbelt on. 

"Are you seeing him again? Because if you are, obviously I need to know." 

"I'm not, actually. As I said, Harry and I are just friends." Memories of last night flashing through my brain as I lie through my teeth. 

"We can have this conversation back at the plane. There are a couple more things I want to discuss." She says with finality and I know she won't drop this. She's onto me so I have to play this cool and right otherwise she'll absolutely kick my butt for letting this get ahead of me. 

The rest of the ride to the airport is very smooth actually. I put some headphones on and my mother and Tree go chatting with each other all the way. 

I'm very tired whatsoever, so I just go about it hoping to get home soon.   
LA is always a hard place to be. Lots of cameras pointed at me all the time and everybody watching my every move. I can't wait to be home in Nashville instead. 

Once we settle on the plane though, we set to have breakfast as soon as we ascend into the sky. I sit by the window and my mom encloses me there by sitting by my side.   
Tree sits across from me.   
Not long after, the whole inquiring begins. 

"Taylor, I need you to be honest with me. What's going on with you and Styles?" Tree says outright. 

"Nothing. Jeez. I told you." 

"You seem awfully cozy with someone who broke your heart quite a few times." She says and that stings more than it should. My mom's hand finds mine and she squeezes my hand three times. It means I love you. 

"I've grown, Tree. I've learned to let things just be in the past. Besides, it's not like I haven't hurt him too. Us being friends just proves that we can let things go sometimes." 

"Are you sleeping with him?" She asks. She's hoping to break me. She always does hope for that. She has yet to manage whatsoever. In this kind of conversation, I always win. 

"I'm a little offended that you'd think I'd kiss and tell like that. Even if we were sleeping together, I'd want no press about it. Keeping things cool is what works for my life, so I'd do just that." I tell her nonchalantly.

"Keeping things cool can only do so much, Taylor. At some point, suppressing things like that end up blowing in your face. I hope you know that." She says. 

"I know that." I tell her. And I did know that, but could I really just out with it and say, 'oh yeah, Harry fucked me senseless last night. Wanna tell me what to do with that?'?  
Yeah, I didn't think so. For obvious reasons. 

"I have a feeling this isn't the last rumor that is going to rise about you two though, so I really hope you come to me before damage is actually done rather than after?" She says and I nod. 

That is the last of the inquire by Tree but I'm well aware my mom is just waiting for the right time. Which, thank God, she absolutely knows it isn't in the morning when I'm most likely to snap for being overly tired and just generally grumpy from being awake so early. 

We make it home to Nashville and my mom goes home to her house rather than mine so I'm left alone for the afternoon. I'm well aware she's gonna come back sooner or later. At this time though, I'm rather tired and so I go to bed. 

Later that afternoon, I wake up to my phone vibrating down on my nightstand. 

\--

"Hello?" I answer blindly. 

"Did you make it home okay?" It's Harry. 

"Humm. Yeah. Thanks." 

"You said you'd text me later, love. You didn't." 

"I know I just didn't, I guess?" I say sheepishly. 

"Figures." He chuckled. 

"I think Tree is on to us. She grilled me so much this morning." 

"Do you think she knows?" 

"I think she's suspicious. As is my mom. She's coming back later to cook me something. I'm one hundred percent sure she's using this as an excuse to grill me some more about you." 

"My mom asked me about you too. What's up with the headlines under your name?" 

"Still about the phone, I'm afraid." 

"Yeah. I guess." 

"Is your mom suspicious at all?" 

"I don't think so. To be fair, I haven't been home in a while so she might just be too happy about having me here to actually care about any headlines about us." 

"Fair enough." Silence.

"I miss you."

"Harry." 

"Against the rules to call and say that. But damn it, Tay, can we break the rules just this once?" 

"We've been breaking rules since we saw each other the other night though." 

"I know. But isn't that a good thing to do once in a while?" 

"You're such a dork." 

"Can we see each other again soon?" 

"I don't know." 

"Do you have anything scheduled for Europe at all?"

"Not right now, actually. In about a month or so there's the NME awards but I've never attended that." 

"You could. I'll skip it and wait for you in your hotel room or you can come to my place afterwards." 

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there." 

"Mkay." Silence. "I'll let you go now, love. Have a nice evening. I'll see you soon, I hope?" 

"Good night. I'll see you soon." 

\-- 

I faceplant into my pillow for a minute and then feel my phone vibrating again.   
It's a text from my mom, asking if I'm awake and what I want to eat. 

I shoot her a quick text saying that just a salad is good enough and I know she's already on her way here. 

I fall asleep again before she comes and I wake up to the sound of her car pulling up into my driveway. 

I get up and brush my teeth and go meet her downstairs. 

"Hey, honey. Did you get a good rest?" 

"Yeah. I did." I say as I hug her. "Did you?"

"Yeah. Except Kitty was very excited to see me so I didn't get as much sleep as I hoped for." She says as she pats my butt to get me moving. "Did you just wake up?" 

"Yeah." 

"I can only imagine how falling asleep at night will actually be like for you." 

"I'll manage." I say as I let go of her and go sit at the bar stools instead. 

"I brought some chicken and vegetables to make it salted for you? Would that be ok?" She asks already washing her hands. 

"Yeah." I say. "Do you want me to chop those off?" I ask and she hands some carrots for me to chop off so I wash my hands and start working on those. 

"Are you going to address the headlines we saw this morning?" She asked after a while. 

"I don't think so. It never goes well anyway." 

"I guess." 

Silence. I feel her gaze burning a hole into me as she stares deeply and I make it a point of avoiding her eyes. I know the question is coming but I continue to ignore it until it does. 

"Dad said he beat you in Scrabble this weekend." She changed the subject and I'm glad. 

"Yeah. He just got lucky." I pout and she laughs. 

"Sore loser much?" 

"Am not." I say and she continues to laugh for a bit. 

"Austin is coming to Nashville tomorrow. Did he tell you?" I ask. 

"Yeah. But he said he's only gonna be here a day or two." 

"Yeah. Better than nothing though." 

"Yep. Baby, are you almost done with those? I need to start cooking them." She says pointing at the carrots. 

"Almost." 

As soon as I'm done, she takes them and starts cooking along with some other things she chopped herself. 

Not long after, she serves us both dinner. 

It's mostly a quiet affair as we mindlessly look at the television with its soft humming of barely-there sounds. 

All this waiting and anticipation for the one question I know she's here to make are driving me insane on anxiety though and I sigh deeply.

"Mom, just say it." I tell her defeated. 

"What?" She asks looking at me and patting her lips with her table cloth. 

"I know what you're thinking and I'm aware of the many questions you've been working up the courage to ask me. I've known it since this morning. Just say it." 

"Honey, I'm just worried." She remedies. 

"I know. Just say it." I say relentlessly.

"I'd rather talk after dinner. Finish it up and we'll talk." 

"I slept with him." I blurt it out as I'm staring at my food. I can't look at her again. I can feel her eyes on me and if I meet them, I'll cry for sure. 

"Look at me." She says but I just can't. "Taylor, look at me." She insists and I do slightly look up at her. "Are you ok?" She asks and all I see is concern so my eyes just fill up with tears.

"It's complicated." I tell her. 

"Come on, let's go cuddle on the couch and you can tell me all about it." She says getting up leaving everything on the table behind while pulling me with her and grabbing some ice cream on the way.

We sat down and she pulled the little blanket that was draped over the back of the couch over us. 

We both settled down and I tucked my legs under myself. 

"So, tell me everything." 

"I don't know where to start" I mumble with my face buried into the couch. 

"Start at the beginning. What's going on?" 

"I don't really know what's going on. I just..." I sigh. 

"It's ok. Take your time." She rubs my leg and I almost crumble at that. 

"It feels like we're magnets. You know?" I start after a while. "Like, we broke up ages ago because we kept hurting each other and breaking each other's hearts, and then it took me a while to heal and I'm guessing it took him a while too but then when I finally did heal, every man I have ever met since is held in comparison to him and they all fail and then I miss him so badly, and I grant him a small chance and he breaks my heart again or I break his heart and we keep going like that.  
Hurting each other but still being hopelessly attracted to one another. We kept going like that until last year. We made rules that prevent us from getting too attached and rules that keep us apart enough to prevent us from tearing each other down again. That's what's up." 

I blurt it all out before I chicken out and then stuff my mouth with a spoonful of ice cream to keep anxiety at bay.

"Okay. That's a lot of information honey." She chuckles. "How long have you guys been like this? And what exactly is this?" 

"We've been on and off mom. We've never been together while officially dating other people if that's what you're wondering. We always stop if one or both of us find someone." I sigh. "But then we miss each other and our relationships always blow up to shit and when that happens, we always end up escaping to each other's bed." 

"Ok. So you two are not together. You're just sleeping together?" She says and I can absolutely see she's not judging, she's just hoping to understand. 

"Yeah." I say quietly. 

"Have you thought about getting back together?"

"Yes. But we can't mom." 

"Why not?" 

"Because we don't work if we're together, mom. We don't know how to function normally when we're together." 

"Maybe he's grown, Tay. Maybe you've grown too. Have you thought of that?" She says and I just groan into the couch again. "Maybe you two need to just own up to your shit and grow up so you can actually be something more. And don't lie to me. I know you. You need more. And taking a wild guess here, I'm assuming he needs more too. So why not?" 

"Because we're this burning passion mom. Like real red flames. We burn so brightly together like this, but when we get too close, we end up burning each other. It's like he keeps cutting me open over and over again and I keep bleeding love." I say and now I'm fully crying. "You don't get it." I whine as I launch myself forward into her arms. "I feel like I'm seventeen again. No one understands." 

"I do honey. I do. You're holding out this huge torch for him but he has hurt you before so you're scared to love him anymore." 

"Yes. But it's not just that mom..." I sob. "I feel so much for him it hurts. But then I don't know what exactly it is that I'm feeling." Another sob. "I think I could love him but at the same time I feel like we're not meant to be together but when we are I feel so alive." I tell her. "Does that make sense?" 

"It does honey. It does." She rubs my back as she holds me in her arms. 

"It's not just that we're burning red flames and we burn each other sometimes. It's that when we get too close, sometimes we end up smothering the flames and they go out and we're left with this whole thing in our hands and we don't know what to do and it feels like we're just two paper planes. Flying aimlessly and bound to crash at some point. I know all of this. It's burned in the back of my mind but I just can't avoid it. I'd be smart to walk away, but I can't. So it feels like we're magnets."

"Tell me, do you think you'd still hurt each other like you used to do, or do you think that phase is over?" 

"I don't know. We've made a rule of no strings attached so we don't talk much about feelings." 

"Ok. So what exactly are you expecting to happen here, honey?" 

"I don't know." I whisper. "He offered to stay with me though. Said he'd be game if I was." 

"What did you tell him?" 

"I blew him off and called the code on our deal. He's hurt me so badly before that if he does it again, I'm not sure I'll survive it." 

"I absolutely share the concern. So you don't want him around. What's this entire turmoil for then?" 

"I want him around. But he's seeing other people and he's living his life and we're both going on tour soon and it's just a lot." 

"Those are all excuses." 

"I know." I say lying back on her chest."I know that. I'll figure it out. I always do." 

"Are you gonna tell Tree?" 

"Hell no." 

"You should." 

"Should what? Tell her that from time to time, I mindlessly end up in Harry's bed? That's something I'd only share with you and that is me skipping all details." 

"Fair enough." Silence.

"I'm constantly scared that this is all I'll ever be. A stupid girl who keeps waiting for a guy who comes and goes as he pleases because she just can't stay away from him. It feels like I'm constantly jumping off trains to ride alone. Like I'll forever refuse to settle down together or apart from him because I'm just a broken piece of a puzzle and I don't really fit anywhere." 

"You're not though." 

"You don't know that." 

"Except that I do."

"You're my mom. You're supposed to say that." 

"But I'm right." Silence. "I'm always here." 

"I Know." 

"I love you." 

"I Know." 

"Do you love him?" 

"I don't know." Silence. "Mom?" 

"Hm?" 

"I feel like I'm ready for combat. He says I don't want that. But what if I do?" 

"I don't know baby. You hold the answers to those questions and I think you know it." 

Silence. 

"Mom?" 

"Hm?" 

"I love you too." 


	5. No more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another update.
> 
> A milder smut patch ahead. Beware. 
> 
> Other than that, enjoy.

One month has gone off too fast. I feel like it was just yesterday that Harry and I had last seen each other. But now, here I am being pressed against yet another hotel door with his roaming hands and lips all over me. 

I feel different this time, whatsoever. Like I don't belong here. 

That's a first. 

I follow through with what I was there to do in the first place.   
Like I said before, when he touches me like this, all warning thoughts I could possibly have are long gone. 

So I do it again. I let him bury himself inside me without any regard to my own feelings. 

Once we're done this time though, I don't feel like staying. 

"What are you doing love?" 

"Where are my underpants?" I asked ignoring his question. 

"I don't know. But what are you doing?" 

"I'm getting dressed." 

"Yeah. But why?" 

"I'm leaving, Harry. I have a slight headache and I just need to sleep." 

"You can sleep here. I'm not gonna keep you up, love. I promise." 

"I know. I just want to go tonight. Okay?" I tell him as I slip my newly found underwear on. 

"Is it something I did? Or said?" 

"No. Not at all. I just feel like I should go." 

"Did I hurt you? Or force you in any way?" 

"No. Harry..." I sit back down on the bed and cup his face. "We're ok. I just wanna go. Okay? You didn't do anything or said anything. It's just me. I'm all up in my head tonight and I feel like being alone for a while."

"Ok. Is anyone coming to get you?" 

"Yeah. I'll text Tree and she'll send me a car." 

"Ok." 

With that, I'm out the door leaving a very confused Harry behind.

I didn't know then but we were going to be in for a treat. 

When I left that night I had made up my mind that loving him was frustrating, altogether consuming and bad for me. For my mental and emotional health. 

So I had decided to stop. We were not going to see each other like that again and next time I'd see him, I'd tell him that. 

It didn't work. 

Next week over when we saw each other again, I also found myself under him. 

Magnetic field 1, Taylor 0. 

Once again I left right after and he was left confused behind. 

Until two weeks after that, when we met again in London. 

"Okay. Stop." I tell him as his hands cups my breast under my shirt. He stops dead in his tracks. 

"Are you okay?" He asks inches away from my face. 

"We need to talk." 

"About what?" He asks incredulously. "Can it wait?" 

"Well, no." I tell him. "I keep coming to tell you this and working up to it and I never manage so I'll just blurt it out." 

"Okay..." 

"I need you to remove your hands from under my shirt, though." I smirk and he complies. "Maybe we should sit down." 

"You're scaring the shit outta me here, love." He says. "Are you ok?" 

"Yes. I'm ok." I say as we both sit down at the bed. "Okay. So, I'm gonna need to call the code off. We need to talk about something and that involves feelings, so I'm breaking the rules." 

"Ok." He chuckles. 

"Don't get your hopes up. It's not really a good thing." His face fell and his smile was instantly gone. A moment of silence. "Harry, I can't keep doing this." 

"This?" 

"Yeah. This. This whole finding my way back to you all the time. I can't... I feel like every time I come to see you or you come to see me, you leave with a new piece of me and eventually, I'm going to be a shell of myself." 

"Tay..." 

"I know. I know we had a deal to prevent exactly this whole situation but I failed and now I feel too much and I don't know how to handle this." 

"I've been talking to you about feelings for a long time now, Taylor. We can work this out." 

"We can't. We truly can't." I tell him. "We've grown, Harry. We have. But I don't think we've grown up enough to handle this any other way. We're gonna end up hurting each other again and I won't survive it this time. Not if it's anything like the last time." 

"Jeez, Taylor. It's not like I'm going out of my way to hurt you. It's not like I'm hunting you down or taking aim." 

"You aren't. I know that. But sure enough, your bullets will forever chase me and won't settle until it pierces through me. It's always been this way." 

"It doesn't have to be this way. I'm not a loaded gun this time. This isn't Russian roulette anymore."

"I think I might be in love with you Harry, but we just don't work together. Not without burning each other to the ground."

"Tay, please."

"When I'm fire, you're rain. When I'm light, you're dark. When I'm in love, you run. When I run, you reach out. We don't work together, Harry. We're opposite sides of magnets. We attract each other exactly because we're so different. If we were the same, we'd be repelling each other instead." 

"Just because we're different doesn't mean we should be set apart. We've tried that, Tay. It didn't work. We're miserable apart. Remember?" 

"We're gonna have to try harder this time." 

"How long have you been feeling this way?" He asks and I know he's shifting his focus. He's looking for someone to blame. 

"It doesn't matter, Harry. This is how I feel now!" 

"It does matter though. It matters to me! How long?" He's aggravated now. 

"Somewhere between when my mom almost caught us and the NMEs." 

"Oh. Great. Did your mom put you up to this?" He asked angrily.

"No. She did not." I defend. "I have feelings of my own and sort through them myself." 

"Are you telling me that she didn't say anything?" 

"She did actually. I just choose not to listen." 

"I told you she didn't like me." 

"It's got nothing to do with any of that, Harry." 

"Yeah. Ok." 

"Harry..." 

"You know what? Just go. That's what you want anyway, right? Just leave." 

"Please don't do that." 

"You wanted this, Taylor. You came here tonight hell-bent on breaking up so I'm finishing it for you. I got it." 

"We're not breaking up though because we aren't even a thing to begin with, Harry!!! I come to your hotels or you come to mine and we fuck and then we leave pretending we didn't feel anything and then you move on to fuck someone else and I..." I realize I'm now yelling at him so I pause. "I just wait until it's time to meet you again." I finish in a whisper.

"You told me to do that!!!" He yells back. "You said we couldn't see each other exclusively because that always tears us apart!" 

"It doesn't mean I like it. I did what I had to do to survive this hurricane that is you." 

"Oh, so now I'm a hurricane?" He asks and I feel the sarcasm and disdain dripping from his voice. 

"Are you seriously thinking that you're not?" I ask incredulously. "You are a force of nature, Harry. You came and ripped off my roof and tore through my walls and you flooded all my ways out and now I'm still dealing with the aftermaths of that. Are you really that oblivious to who you are that you just don't know that this is how you make me feel?" 

"Yeah. Apparently I'm oblivious because I truly thought that I at least had some good memories with you but apparently, they're all bad and filled with anxiety and shortness of breath." 

"Harry..." 

"No. It's fine. You know what? It's fine." 

"I don't wanna leave you like this." I tell him. 

"I was hoping you wouldn't want to leave me at all but that ship has sailed now, hasn't it?" 

"Please..." I tell him looking into his eyes now. 

"Funny you thought I'd break your heart and now look at us." 

"I didn't mean to break your heart. I just thought we'd be better off this way." 

"I know." He sighs defeated. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you." I reinforce. 

"I know." He sighs and I reach out to touch his face. 

He turns and kisses the palm of my hand for a second and I feel electrified again. 

He takes a hold of my hand and places a bunch of kisses on it until he slowly launches forward towards my neck. My eyes roll back into my head and I feel the familiar warmth raising on my stomach. 

"Harry..." I whisper as a warning but it comes out sounding much more like a moan. 

"Just this once." He says. "Please?" His mouth never quite leaving my skin. 

My entire resolve of just walking away is gone and I give in. 

My hands wrapping around his neck and tangling up in his hair, pulling him close.   
I feel his hands on the zipper of my dress and I allow him to take it off. 

I lean back and scoot towards the middle and to the headboard and he follows while getting rid of his jeans and shirt. 

He slams his lips into mine and his tongue soon asks for entrance, which I gladly grant.

He kisses me slowly and lovingly and calmly and softly but at the same time, it's fierce and burning and strong and passionately. 

He kisses me for a long time as his hands explore each and every curve on my body. I know what he's doing because I'm doing it too. We're memorizing each other. As if bound to never see each other again, we're committing each other to memory. 

It's an entire eternity later when he leaves my mouth so his lips can replace his hands at my breast. I know that way that he's working me up to finish me up tonight.

He flicks his tongue on my nipples and I feel like I'm about to explode. He sucks particularly hard under both of my boobs and I know it's gonna leave a mark. 

I never allow that, but tonight, I'm his to do whatever he wants. 

Still, he's mindful enough to mark me in a place only we know. Nobody else is going to see it or know about it. Just another of the millions of secrets we keep between us.

His hand travels south and finds me dripping wet already.   
He flicks his hand over my bundle of nerves and it drives me insane. It turns me into a mess and he knows it. Which is exactly why he's doing it. 

My first climax hit me so hard my hips leave the bed and he has to press me down with his own body to keep me from shaking so hard.   
His fingers are still grazing me softly, allowing me to ride out this orgasm, but preventing me from settling entirely. 

"Can I taste you?" He asks looking up into my eyes and I nod.

"Sure." I pant out. "Can I...?" I motion for his hair and he knows what I mean exactly. 

"Absolutely baby. Have at it." He answers and my hand finds its way into his hair again while the other, as usual, is held by his larger one. 

I feel his tongue flickering me up and down and side to side in sync to whatever is going on into his mind, apparently. I notice a pattern but I'm too far gone to know what it means. 

My second climax hits me not too long afterward. He works me up fast towards the third before I even have time to ride out the second. They just blend together and leave me floating into a deep space in my head. He flicks me one more time and it's too much so my legs lock around his head completely out of my control and I pull his hair a bit. I can feel his smile forming against my thigh now. 

He gives me a second to recover before he pries my legs open to release himself. 

He lies his head over my hips and his free hands caress me to calm me down. 

"Open you eyes, love. You ok." He says calmly. "Come on... Open your eyes." He insists and slowly I do. He climbs up and kisses my lips again. "You ok?" I nod. "Do you need a minute?" I nod again. "Okay." 

He lies by my side caressing me still until I'm ready to move again. 

I turn to kiss him and he knows it's his cue to finish it up. 

He climbs on top of me and his hands travel up and down my body while his mouth kisses me all over my neck and chest. 

After a while, I feel him lining up to my entrance and I brace myself to the burning feeling of being filled with him.   
I was expecting him to be a bit rougher so he surprises me by being slow and steady. 

His entire rhythm remains that way and it sure prolonged our whole rendezvous, but surely, he gets there. 

He collapses on top of me, pulling himself completely out and I hold him while running my hand through his hair. 

We're both breathing hard and our hearts are beating so fast it almost hurts. 

We stay that way for a while until our breaths are back to normal. 

We're in complete silence when I suddenly hear his hoarse voice. 

"Will you please stay tonight? I don't want to say goodbye to you in the middle of the night." 

"Sure. But I have an early flight to catch so I'll need to be up extra early. Is that ok?" 

"Yeah. Thank you." 

A few seconds later, I feel him hiccup on top of my chest and next thing I know, I feel his tears warmly running down to the sides of my breast. 

It takes me by surprise because I expected anything from Harry. Anything but this. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry on you. Sorry." He said while furiously wiping his face. 

"It's ok, babe. You're ok." I say holding him in place. "I'm sorry that I hurt you." I whisper. 

"I'm sorry too." He whispers. 

I keep running my hand through his hair until the urge to sleep grows to an unbearable level and I drift letting my hand fall from his hair.   
Of course he notices it and picks up his head from my chest. 

"We need to go clean up, love." He whispers rubbing my cheek and we both get up, clean up fast and get back to bed. 

Being under the covers with him feels so right at this point and that almost breaks my resolve to leave. 

We fall into sleep and mine is a restless one. I dream of nothing and morning comes blasting through the windows and to me, it feels like a second ago that I closed my eyes to sleep. 

I look at the clock. 5 am. I need to be up soon. My flight is at 7:30 am. 

I think about how today we're actually gonna say goodbye to each other and my stomach drops. I start to think that maybe staying the night was a mistake. I feel tears building up in my eyes. I swallow them back though, it's too early for this kind of drama. 

I start to untangle myself from Harry. He's holding me so tight to himself, almost like unconsciously, he doesn't want to let me go. 

I pick up my phone and there are about a hundred things going on there. 

I ignore most of it and go to check my flight's info, my mother's texts, and my publicist's too. 

After answering all of those, I start to get up. 

Harry stirs beside me and I freeze. 

"Are you getting up already?" He asks with sleep laced all over his voice. 

"Yeah. My flight is at 7:30 am. I need to get going."

"Can I shower with you?" He asks rubbing his eyes. 

"Harry..." I warn. 

"Just shower. It doesn't have to be anything. It's ok." 

True to his words, we manage to shower together without it turning into anything else. 

Both our hairs are wet now so it ends up being a game of who can towel dry it faster. We're laughing so hard we can't actually do it. It was fun trying though. 

He finishes my hair for me and I finish his. 

We even manage to eat some chips for breakfast. (Not the smartest move, I know. But it's what we had at the time.) 

But it's time to go now and we both dread looking at each other now. 

"Are you sure about this?" He asks me as he holds me in his arms. 

"No." I tell him honestly. "I'm terrified this is going to be my biggest mistake. But I need to do this right now." 

"Okay." He sighs into my hair. 

"I'll always love you, I think." I tell him.

"You're just hoping to not love me enough to keep coming back, huh?" He said and although it sounds like it, it wasn't meant to be sharp and I know it. 

"Sorta. Yeah." I place small kisses on his shoulder. 

"I'll always love you too. I hope you find that you love me enough to actually wanna keep me rather than leaving me forever." He says and my eyes wells up again. "Hope to see you again soon, Tay. Even if we're just friends." He says.

"Hope to see you too Harry." 

"Goodbye, love." He tells me while squeezing me a bit tighter into his arms. 

"Goodbye, babe. Take care." I say as I step away from his embrace slowly while tears just run down from my face freely. 

I'm not sobbing. The tears are just coming down steadily and silently. 

I look up to him and he's crying too. 

I hope this is the right call to be honest. I hope I didn't just break his heart for nothing. I hope we're okay after all this. I hope we live. 


	6. The songs I'll write about you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a new update. Hope you like it.

When I walked through Harry's hotel door knowing it was the last time, I felt so out of myself. Like I was watching this whole thing unfold from above myself. I couldn't feel it entirely. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from myself, from my thoughts, from self-destruction. Maybe...

I walked out and took the plane back to Nashville where my mother carefully awaited.   
She didn't know exactly what I was up to in London but surely she had an idea that I was with Harry. 

I ran off the plane to hug her and she held me for a second already sensing that something was wrong. 

"Hi, mom." 

"Hi, honey. How was your trip? Everything ok?" She asked to survey the situation. 

"Yeah. Yeah." I say still holding on to her. 

Her hands making quick work of rubbing my back up and down in a comforting way. 

The ride home with her was peaceful and quiet. She kept watching over me to see if I'd break but I didn't. Not yet. I needed to make sense of this first and the only way I knew how was writing songs about it. I already had a bunch of lines floating in my head all of which were quickly scrambled into my notes. 

We got home and I walked inside to an empty house and that gave me a bit of a heavy feeling. I missed him already. 

I walk straight into my music room while leaving my backpack outside and my shoes. I sit at the piano and I start playing some combination that I have burned in the back of my mind and the words keep bouncing all over the place in my head. 

"We fall in love 'til it hurts or bleeds" Is a line that has never been truer. 

_ " _ _ You've ruined my life, by not being mine." _

_ "And you should think about the consequence _  
_ Of you touching my hand in the darkened room." _

One song is ready to go but I'm not yet ready to just be done for the day.

I still have so much more that I need to just work through, so I just keep writing. 

_ "Our secret moments in a crowded room _  
_ They've got no idea about me and you _  
_ There is an indentation in the shape of you _  
_ Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo. _

_ All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation _  
_ My hands are shaking from holding back from you. _

_ Say my name and everything just stops _  
_ I don't want you like a best friend." _

Another song almost ready but I still have so much to say. A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts.

"Come in." I call out. 

"I was just wondering if you're not hungry?" My mom pops her head in to say. 

"Not right now, mom. Soon." 

"I made you tea then. And brought you some socks." She walks in to bring me the items. 

"Thanks." 

"I'll be waiting for you when you're ready. Okay?" I nod and she kisses the top of my head, turns on her heel and leaves, closing the door behind her. 

I place the tea on the small table beside the piano and get into the warm socks she brought me. I wait a moment as another round of words hit me. 

_ "I loved you in secret _  
_ First sight, yeah, we love without reason." _

_ "And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis _  
_ People started talking, putting us through our paces _  
_ I knew there was no one in the world who could take it _  
_ I had a bad feeling."  _

I didn't finish it either.

I started to work on a different song and that one proved to be too much. 

_"Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere"_

I wrote it down on my notes but when I found a melody for it and put it into harmony, it felt like something clicked inside me. My heart raced and my voice cracked. I burst into tears. My vision was blurry and my body was soon wracked with heart-wrenching sobs. It was loud enough to be heard outside, I'm sure of it, but still, my mom knew better than to come to get me before I was ready. 

I stayed until the crying had subsided and then got up and left the room going straight into my bedroom instead. Still not ready to be in the company of anyone. I fell into a deep sleep instead and dreamed of meaningless things.   
When I woke up again, it was dark outside and I felt like I had slept through a thousand years but at the same time like I slept through just a minute. Too much, but then none at all. 

I got up to go find my mom. 

I knocked on the door of her room after I couldn't find her anywhere. She was curled up into her bed reading a book. 

"Come in baby." She smiles over her glasses. 

"Can I lie down with you?" I ask as I come in. 

"You sure can baby. Come here." She lifts the covers so that I can get under them. "Are you okay?" She asks as I wiggle down a bit to try and find a comfortable position. 

"Hm." I mumble into her arms. A minute goes by before I work up the courage to talk about it. "I broke up with Harry." I tell her eventually and my voice cracks a bit. 

"I thought you two weren't a thing though?" 

"We weren't but we kinda were?" I say. "I don't know. It's complicated." I sigh. "I broke his heart again." I tell her. 

"What did you do?" 

"He wanted to keep going." 

"Why didn't you?" 

"Because it gets harder and harder each time." I say and I swallow back the tears. "You know? To say goodbye. To not see him again for months. To not know what he's up to. To not know where he's at. To not know who he's with but knowing that he IS with someone other than me." I say and small tears fall down. 

"I'm sorry it had to be like that baby." She says. 

"Me too." I say defeated. 

"Did you want to be with him though?" 

"More than anything mom. But I know where this is going. It always goes the same way." 

"I understand how that must feel. You've made a solid decision then?" 

"I guess." 

"Can't say that I'm not relieved though. This entire time I was just terrified he'd break your heart to the same level as last time." 

"Yeah. But he didn't. I broke his instead." I said. 

"I was kinda worried that could happen too." 

"I made him cry, mom." I said. "Harry never cries like that. I made him cry." I say burying my face in her sweater. 

"He'll live baby. So will you." 

"I should hope so." 

I spent the night in her bedroom (or rather my guest bedroom that she just liked to call her own so I let her because why not?) Rather than my own. Waking up to her was better than waking up by myself. 

A couple of days went by and then I had to resume my work.   
I had a new album coming out in less than 3 months and we still had to get the cover shoot done. 

So I went on about my days as if my heart wasn't in shreds. 

The songs in the album were ready to go. Just the finishing touches being put out but nothing major anymore.   
I already had visuals for the tour on this album. It would be a worldwide one with a huge stage this time.   
I'd do a press tour first though, so I was getting ready for those as the first single of this album was about to drop. 

"So how are things coming up on that press tour?" Tree asks. "I've scheduled you for a few talk shows right after the single drops and some I scheduled a bit further down the line, for when the album drops." 

"It's coming ok, I guess." I tell her. "I'm prepared." 

"The Harry headlines are still blearing out there." She tries. 

"Well, fuck that." I tell her. 

"Are you sure you don't want to release a statement?" 

"Saying what exactly? A statement is only gonna draw attention away from the album. Let it be." 

"Ok." 

The few weeks missing from releasing the single goes by in what seems the blink of an eye and next thing I know, I'm doing the beginning of the press tour with a series of short interviews and presentations. 

"So tell me, Taylor, what can we expect from the new album?" One reporter asks. 

"It doesn't sound like anything I've done before. I can tell you that." I laugh and they do too. " It's more of a pop/synth sounding album with a more upbeat vibe to it." I complete. 

"Amazing." He says. "Any song particularly that we should keep an eye out for?" 

"Uhmm. I'm hopeful this is gonna be a very solid album with a nice storytelling so I'm hoping that you'll keep an eye out for everything in it?" I say smiling. 

"Sure. Sure." He plays it off. "But it's likely that there's a special song of some sort. Are you telling me we won't have an All too well in this album?" He asks and I know exactly what he's hinting at. 

"Well, I guess you'll have to wait for it, sir!" I joke and we both laugh. 

"I mean, I had to try it right?" He laughs. "Can we expect a tour for this album too? And if so, what can you tell us about it?" 

"You can expect a tour but I don't have all details yet. We're still very early into that process so I don't really know yet." 

"Is it gonna be worldwide?" 

"I don't know that either. I'm still in the process of planning the whole thing, so I'm still very much focused on that." 

"Alright. Great. I look forward to hearing the album and even more for the tour." 

"Thank you." 

"Thank you for meeting with us, Taylor." 

"Thank you for having me." 

The next few interviews were also lead basically the same way. With one question or another diverging from this line. 

A few weeks went by with radios, magazines, photoshoots, and a couple of appearances on TV and streaming services.

Before I knew, it was almost time for the album drop. 

I still had one more event to attend to whatsoever and that one had my stomach in knots. It was in London. 

I hadn't heard from Harry in a few weeks and going back so close to his home for the first time had me on my toes for sure. 

Still, I had to brave into this whole thing fast for the album was coming out soon, so I just went. 

It was honestly tough seeing all the places in London we had been to together. I was alone this time, but I braved through it and successfully avoided him. 

Next thing I know, another few weeks go by and it's almost time for the album drop. I drop a promo single now and start a kind of countdown to the release date. 

More tv appearances and more interviews. I'm promoting this one throughout its hype. 

This time I make a decision to do something new for my fanbase though, so a few days after the second single, I set up to meet some selected fans for what I now call "Secret Sessions". They got to hear the whole album beforehand and it was so much fun.   
But also, we interacted a lot and they got to ask questions and I answered them as best as I could. Until, without any warning, this young girl shoots her hand up in the air for permission to ask her question and I allow her. The bomb comes next. 

"Uhm. I can't help but notice a pattern in the writing of all these songs. They all sound like a bunch of parts of roughly the same story. Could you maybe address how all these songs came to be and how they all sound like it was written about different stages of the same relationship?" She asks and I choke back on thin air. 

A minute of silence comes and you could absolutely hear a pin drop in the room. 

"Girl. A question like that. Are you trying to end me?" I laugh it off and they all do too. "I never tell who's the song about so I'll carry that one out into this album too. It is one big storytelling album though. All my music is about a story though so that's not so different." 

I answer as best as I can without giving any details that shouldn't be out there. 

I wrote many songs about Harry in this album, but nobody needs to hear confirmation of that, so I move it along. 

The rest of the sessions go without a hitch whatsoever and the day is here. It's release day. 

I'm scheduled for Good morning America and The Ellen show so I wake up super early to get things done and get on with my day. As soon as I wake up I go to check my phone and there's a text from Harry. 

_"Congratulations. It's release day._

_Hope you're doing well and hope this new album succeeds on everything you aim it for._

_I'm so happy for you Tay. Have an amazing day._

_Love, H."_

I wasn't expecting that and sure enough, that sparks something and changes everything. 


	7. Can't keep saying those things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought another update would be nice.  
> Anyway, here you go.
> 
> PS. I used rich text to edit this one here and somehow this one came out looking kinda weird????  
> Sorry about that. Either way, let me know what you think, please?

I didn't respond to him right away. I didn't know how to respond to that.

Hours went by and with my phone in my pocket, that one text felt like it was burning a hole through it. 

_"Thank you so much. I appreciate it._

_Love, T."_

Was all I could manage after hours.

I didn't wanna leave him on read though so that would have to do. 

The day went dragging itself out.

After everything, I felt like what I had seen and done that morning was a long distant memory. 

"Are you ok?" I heard my mother's voice asking. 

"Yeah. Just overly tired." -and heartbroken- I thought to myself. "But so happy." I said instead. It wasn't a lie but not the entire truth either. 

"Me too baby. Me too" She sighed content. 

I got home late that night.

I stopped at Target and bought my own record, like the tradition I had created through the other albums and after that, flew home to Nashville.

I didn't want to stay at a hotel tonight. 

Tonight I seem to be at a loss for words. I wanna write my feelings down and make sense of them but it doesn't seem possible in this state.

I feel like I left my heart and soul with Harry and that one text this morning made me realize how much I need him. 

If I hadn't written I almost do a while back, I'm sure it'd come to me now. 

I wanna call him so bad. Wanna hear his voice. Wanna fly out to meet him. I wanna run to him, but I know I can't. Won't. 

The night is long just as the day was too.

It was a fun day, don't get me wrong. But a long one.

Now the night is gonna be a cold and restless one and morning won't come soon enough. 

I look at the clock and it marks 4:15 am. I've been awake for 24 hours now. I'm tired. Exhausted really, yet, sleep just won't claim me.

I pick up my phone again and look at it for a long time before shutting it off again.

I want to call him so badly. I know I shouldn't and maybe calling him is the most selfish thing I can do right now but sending me that text was too and he sure as hell needs to know it. 

'I should call him to tell him that, right?' I ask myself into the half-darkness of my room. 

I pick up the phone again and hit call on his name.

It rings twice before he picks up.

I sit up in bed and a bad feeling pools down in my stomach.

I shouldn't have done it but it's too late to back out now. 

"Tay?" He asks and by his voice I know he just woke up. I don't answer. I don't have words for it. "Can't sleep, love?" He asks after a minute of silence. 

"I just-" A sob leaves my mouth unannounced. 

"Taylor, where are you? Are you ok? What happened?" He asks and I can hear the worry in his voice. 

"I just need-needed t-to hear your vo-voice." I sob out into the phone. "I'm so-sorry I called."

"It's ok love. It's ok." He soothes through the phone. "Where are you tonight?" 

"Ho-home"

"Nashville?" 

"Yes." 

"Is anyone there with you?" 

"No." 

"Can't you call your mom to stay with you or maybe drive up to her house instead? You shouldn't be alone." He says. 

"It is 4 am." 

"Right. I know. But I don't like it that you're alone right now." 

"I'll be o-ok" I tell him. "It's fine." 

"Ok. Ok." A beat of silence. "Listen, we can do a watch party together. How about that?" He asks and I know he's just trying to make me feel better. 

"It's ok. Really." I say and the sobs are gone now. Just a few hiccups here and there. 

"How about we face time instead? You can watch my morning routine until you fall asleep?" 

"Harry-" Before I say anything else, the call is cut off and FaceTime call shows up on my screen. 

"That's better." He says smiling that perfectly nice smile that always shows his dimples. 

"I look like hell." I complain. 

"You look lovely. Like always." He says. "Now here's the deal. You need to lie back into bed and get comfy. Prop up your phone somewhere and just watch me as I go. No talking. Ok?"

"Your morning routine is just basically you eating your body weight in cookies and drinking 300 cups of tea because 'coffee is so weird Taylaaaah'" I finish it with my best British accent. 

"Mocking me now. Huh?" He laughs. "Love, lie down, and pretend this is a bad daytime TV show." He smiles again. 

"Mkay. You could never be a bad daytime TV show though." I remark. 

He goes about his morning while glancing at his phone from time to time to check up on me. 

About a half hour later, after watching him eat his breakfast and clean up, I was fast asleep. 

I wake up again to my phone ringing. Harry was long gone and the sun was up now. 

I look at the screen and it's my mom. I pick up. 

"Hello?" 

"You should be here by now, honey. Where are you?" 

"I was asleep. Sorry. What time is it?" 

"Half past noon baby." 

"Ugh" 

"How fast can you get here?" 

"I'll take a shower. Will be there soon." 

"Ok." 

We hang up. I rub my face and throw back my covers. I look at my phone and there are a few texts from Harry. 

_"Sweet dreams, Love."_

_"Shoot me a text when you wake up to let me know you're ok?"_

_"Hope this day is better than your night."_

_"You looked cute sleeping like this. 😝"_

_*Screenshot inserted*_

_"Have a good celebration day, Love."_

A smile is now planted in my face permanently. 

_"I'm up."_

_"Thank you so much. I'm sorry I had to bother you."_

_"You have one embarrassing picture of me now. 🤦🏼😂"_

_"Thank you!! Hope you had a good day yourself."_

I reply to his texts quickly. 

_"If you need to talk, don't hesitate. I'm always here."_

He shoots back.

_"I know. Thank you."_

_"Also, same."_

After that, I hit the shower and go to my parents' place for the celebratory barbecue we're having today. My whole team is there and it's a nice day really. We have a good time. 

Night comes whatsoever and it's another sleepless one.

By 3 am Harry shoots me a text and I couldn't be more glad that he seems to have read my mind. 

_"Are you down for the count or still staring at the ceiling?"_

_"Staring at the ceiling. 🤦🏼"_

_"Wanna talk?"_

_"Yeah."_

My phone rings. 

"Hi " I answer. 

"How are you doing?" He asks. 

"Ok. I guess. You?" 

"I'm good." 

"Listen. About last night-"

"It's ok. I get it. We're friends now. Right? Friends can call each other when they feel less than ok. Right?" 

"Yeah. I guess so." I sigh. 

"You sound like that's a bad thing."

"It isn't. I'm just feeling down a bit."

"Why? You just released an album. Shouldn't you be like over the moon or something?" I can hear the playfulness on his voice.

"Do you actually feel like that about me?"

"Like what?"

"Like I used you for fun and to add to my narrative of break up songs?" I ask timidly. 

"You heard the song." He sighs. 

"Of course I heard your song."

"How do you know it's about you?"

"I don't." Silence.

"That's not what I wanted to say. I didn't write it alone so I didn't have full control over it."

"But do you feel like that?" 

"Of course not. You and I have been through a lot more in this whole thing for people to just assume we only had each other for fun hotel rendezvous."

"I know."

"I really fell for you."

"Maybe I made a mistake." 

"Calling me?" 

"No. Letting you go." I almost whisper. 

"You don't mean that Tay. Once you get over whatever this is, you'll bounce right back to your normal self and that's gonna break me again. You don't mean it." He says defeated and matter of factly. 

"What if I do?" 

"You need to figure that out then." He says almost in a whisper too. "I'm always game if you are." 

"I miss your smile." 

"You just saw it yesterday, love." 

"Not in the flesh." 

"Tay..." 

"I miss being held by you. And I miss the smell of your hair on my pillows."

"Stop it. If you wanted me for real you know I'd drop everything to go be with you. You didn't want that."

"You don't know how much I do want that." I sigh. 

"What's stopping you?"

"I don't know." I say carefully.

"Exactly."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"I'll meet you out if you still want me."

"You'll meet me and then what?"

"I don't know."

"You can't keep saying stuff like that. You make me crave you so badly and then you pull away, love." 

"I know. I'm just so confused right now. And I miss you so badly. And I was doing alright but then you sent me that text and this whole thing just came back to the surface."

"I'm sorry." 

"What I mean is that no matter how fine I might think I'm doing, at the slightest sign of your presence, I want to go running to you." 

"I know that feeling very well, darling. Still, you can't keep saying those things when you don't want me." 

"I want you so bad you don't even know." 

"Then have me!" He sounds exasperated. "I'm right here." 

"I can't." 

"That's what I'm talking about."

"I still love you though."

"I love you too." He says. "I'll let you go now love. Get some sleep and think things through. Okay?" 

"Okay."

"I'll catch you later." 

He hangs up and the tears come rushing down my face.

I think about how I wrote clean a while ago and now that's a whole thing again.

I'm drowning again. Feeling like I can't breathe. I risked it when I got into yet another hotel room with him and now I have to go through that again. 

But soon enough, I'll be on tour again and maybe that'll bring me something else to focus on and that'll be enough to keep me clean again. 


	8. Tour Rendezvous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild smut mention/description ahead.  
> Nothing major but if it isn't your thing, I'll put an extra space before the line comes and an extra space where it ends so you can absolutely skip those few lines if it's what's best for you.  
> Thanks for reading this.  
> Enjoy. :)

Months flew by before I even noticed. 

Harry and I seemed to have it together enough that when we texted each other now, it wasn't this entire pining party anymore. Just two friends chatting away at life.

My tour was starting off tonight and I was so excited but also, a complete nervous wreck. 

"It'll be ok, honey. It's always ok in the end. You just have to get up there and do your thing." My mom hugs me. 

"I know." 

"I'm so very proud of you. Go out there and have fun! You deserve it." 

"Thanks, Mom." I sigh into her embrace. 

Next thing I know, I'm on stage. 

"Welcome to New York!" just left my lips and I hear the crowd going wild as they wait for the silence on the stage to be filled again. 

I love this. I'm doing what I love and my life is rather good right now. 

It seems like just the blink of an eye before Shake it off is happening. 

My first show of the 1989 tour is complete and I couldn't be happier. 

I go out waving at the crowds everywhere and screaming "I love you" for whatever it's worth.

Backstage, my mom awaits with my family and some of my friends. 

I hug them all and go around high fiving my crew, dancers, singers, and my band. 

"That was great, sweetheart. That truly was incredible." My mom says. 

"I'm so proud of you sweetheart." My dad says. 

"Thanks, guys." 

"You killed it, Taffy." My brother says walking up to me. 

"Thanks." 

After all the greetings and the '89 loft thing, we head back to our hotel and it hits me. Harry and I haven't been together in over 8 months now and today, I truly miss him. 

I think about shooting him a text saying I missed his face on my show today but decided against it.

His words still echoing in my mind.

Don't say things like that do him if I'm not offering to stay.

I don't wanna hurt him anymore, so I keep this one to myself. 

_"How was your opening night?"_

My heart skips a beat. 

How does he even do that? Know exactly when to text me?

_"Awesome._

_So weird though. I can't believe that this is my job._

_Do you ever just wake up and think, damn, I made it?"_

_"All the time, love."_

_"I had so much fun._

_It was amazing."_

_"I'm so very glad."_

_"Thank you for asking."_

_"Wish I coulda been there."_

_"You know you're always welcome on any of my shows. Right?"_

_"Maybe when you come somewhere near me, let me know?"_

_"I will."_

_"Night, Tay."_

_"Night."_

Less than two months go by and I'm in London, staring at the pair of eyes that absolutely drive me insane. 

He's in a private area so there's no way to not spot him there. 

He's staring straight ahead to the stage and he seems very interested in the show but I know his wheels are turning and he's absolutely connecting the dots. Some of these songs are about him and he knows it. 

Singing Clean was never this hard before. 

I sang the entire thing seeing Harry from the corner of my eyes and he seemed to know the lyrics, which made it entirely harder to handle because now I know he's heard the album before and not just once. 

He's holding a glass in his hand and swaying from side to side while singing the lyrics back to me. 

I can't know what's in his mind, but I have half the mind to actually ask him given half the chance. I just hope he won't say he related to the song and is now moving on. 

When the song is done, I stand up in silence as the crowds go wild again. My eyes scan the crowd giving them half my attention but honestly, I just wanna stare into his eyes as he stands there smiling at me.

I feel like I'm full but also empty. Okay, but not fine. Like paper completely new in its entirety but slightly ripped at the very tip. 

I move things along because the click for the next moment is beginning to ring out in my ears and quite honestly, I was so distracted I almost missed it entirely. 

I manage the whole show whatsoever and I'm doing ok now that I'm used to his presence right there. Staring at me. 

By the time Shake it off starts, I can't say that I've ever had more fun singing it than I'm having this night, in particular (being able to sing "To the fella over there with the hella good hair. Won't you come on over baby? We can shake, shake, shake." with Harry standing right there moving to the beat of the song as I slightly point at his direction).

I feel alive. Exhilarated. Happy. 

When I leave the stage and go to my dressing room after greetings and high fives, I find myself a big surprise. One huge flower bouquet with a note from Harry. 

**"You truly are the most beautiful soul.**

**Hope you have fun tonight.**

**I promise I'll scream the loudest and I'll clap the loudest too.**

**Only the best for the best person out there. Love, H"**

I smile as I read the note and when a knock on the door comes, I automatically just answer with a "Come in." 

"Ma'am, there's someone here to see you. He says he's your friend and you're expecting him?" 

I roll my eyes because only Harry would pull such a stunt off. He knows he's never at risk of being denied entrance when it comes to me. 

"Is it Harry?" I ask. 

"Yes ma'am." 

"Ok. Let him in." 

He pops his head in after a few minutes. 

"You truly were beautiful out there tonight." He says as he opens the door a bit more. 

"Thank you. Please come in." I tell him. 

"Did you have a good time?" He says as he walks to me. 

"The best." I say. 

We sit down and some light conversation goes on and then I have to go clean up and attend the loft89.

"You could wait for me here. I'll be back soon." I say. 

"Sure." He says. 

With that, I'm off to shower with a stupid smile on my face. 

I was a fool for thinking that was ever be taken or meant as an innocent invitation. 

Next thing I know, Harry's hand is inside my shorts, my shirt is hiked up, the frontal clasp of my bra is undone and his mouth is brutally exploring mine. 

"We should stop." I say. 

"Do you really wanna stop now?" He asks as his fingers give me a particularly hard stroke that sends my eyes rolling to the back of my mind. 

"No..." I say breathlessly. 

"I didn't think so." He smirks

We stay together from the 27th after the show in London, fly together to Ireland on the 29th and only part ways on June 30th, when he has things to handle.

That was the end of June but not the end of our rendezvous. Harry met me back in the US on July 1st through 8th, again for some of the LA nights and then again for my Nashville show.

I manage to get a good enough disguise and attend One Direction's concert in San Diego on July 9th but I never make it backstage because that could just cause me a lot of media buzz that I'm not really willing to handle right now.

We meet again on September 26th after my show in Nashville. 

"What are we doing again?" I ask out loud in my room. 

"Having second thoughts, Love?" 

"No. What's done is done. I'm just really scared about how this cycle with you never ends. I'm always right back where I started." I laugh and he knows I don't mean it as a criticism of what we are. 

"I know." He laughs too. 

His fingers graze my skin so lightly that it raises some goosebumps. 

"I love seeing you like this. Relaxed. Glowing. Smiling. Happy." He says. 

"You make me happy." I tell him and I kiss him long and slowly. 

"You make me happy too. More than you know." He says after we break the kiss for air. 

I nuzzled his neck and he makes room for me to cuddle into him and I gladly do. With my face buried into his neck, I drift into sleep. 

Morning comes faster than I'd like it to. Harry's still asleep so I decide to take some advantage of that. 

With a pen in my hand and my journal from my bedside table, I make quick work of scribbling the words to a new song. 

_"Don't blame me, love made me crazy._

_If it doesn't, you ain't doing it right._

_~~Please, save me.~~ _

_~~Someone,~~ save me. _

_My drug is my baby._

_I'll be using for the rest of my life."_

_"I get so high_ _every time you're loving me_

_Trip of my life_ _every time you're touching me._ _"_

"What are you doing, Love?" His hoarse voice says into the silence. 

"You're finally up." I say as I put the pen and journal aside. "Good morning."

"Morning, Love." He says as we kiss and his arms encircle me while I lie back by his side. 

Kissing takes a while and before long, his hands start to wander through my body. 

"Do we have some time or do you have to be anywhere?" 

"Today is my day off." I tell him smirking. 

"Good." He kisses me again.

His hands pull me closer and he flips to climb on top of me. He's now rubbing himself on me and I can feel how hard he actually is already. 

His hands on my breast through the shirt won't let up and I'm almost begging him to just get on with it and remove the shirt but he's right on top of his game so he does just that before I open my mouth to ask. 

His lips encircle my nipples and I'm a goner.

My eyes close at their own accord and I roll them as far back as they'll go while my back is arching right off the bed to meet his lips. 

His tongue flips over my nipple a few times before he changes to the other breast paying it the same attention. 

His fingers now are inside my underwear gathering moisture to rub me and I almost crumble underneath his gentle strokes. 

It takes a lot of self-control not to come right then and there. 

While I'm not one for loud noises, the way he's touching me right now makes me one hell of a moaning mess. 

He takes me over the edge gently but powerfully before he's ready to enter me and when he does, it still feels like I'm ready to burst. 

His rhythm is fast and ruthless this time and he has me flying over the edge again in no time, it seems.

He takes a while but eventually, he collapses on top of me. 

"I'm exhausted. I feel like I can't move." He says laughing and I laugh too. 

We stay that way for a few minutes before he gathers enough energy to move off of me.

"I'm kinda hungry." He says. "Do you wanna eat something?" 

"Sure." I tell him. 

"Good. Let's go clean up and eat, love." 

He makes us both toast and tea and we sit down to eat it in the kitchen counter before heading back to bed. 

"Are you gonna be able to see me at all during the next few months?" I ask as I lay back in his chest after breakfast. 

"Sorry Love. I don't think so. But I'll try." 

"I'll be back in the US for a few dates in October. If you can, meet me here?" I plead. 

"I'll see what I can do." 

A long silence falls over us and he keeps playing with my hair and sometimes with my fingers for a while before he decides it's a good idea to tickle me. 

"Harry. No." I warn after he tickles me for a second. 

"Harry, yes." He says as he starts tickling my sides mercilessly. 

"Stop it. Mercy. Uncle. Please. Whatever the word is... Harry!!!" I say in between laughing fits until he eventually stops. "Oh my God. Not fair. You didn't give me a warning or a headstart." I pout.

"Oh. Was I supposed to warn you AND let you run ahead?" He asks laughing. 

"Yes!" I say playfully exasperated.

"You Americans truly don't know how to play, huh?" He laughs and I slap him across his arm. 

"You British people are just ruthless with anything and everything." I say. 

"Ohh is my baby gonna be pouting now?" He says pecking my pouty lips and I pretend to be mad at him until he's relaxed enough that I can flip us over and sit up on top of him. 

"Gotcha!" I smile wide. 

He tries to flip us back but I hold on with my knees spread wide on each side of him and my hands pinning his. 

"What now huh?" I ask. 

"Taylor. No." 

"Taylaaah, yes!" I mimick with my best British accent and then proceed to tickle him for a minute before stopping. 

"And you say the British are ruthless huh?" He says after he calms down from his laughing fits. 

I lean over him and look deep into his eyes. I lower myself down to kiss him slowly and my hands move from pinning his hands down to holding his face and traveling his chest. 

I kiss him for several minutes before I pull back to look at him again. 

"I think we should do this again." I say abruptly. 

"What? Meeting here? I'm not yet sure-" 

"No. Us." I cut him off and he seems stunned by what I just said. 

"Tay..." 

"I mean it." I tell him looking deep into his eyes. "I truly mean it. I think we should try again." I reinforce. 

"Are you sure?" He asks. 

"Yes." I tell him. "Will you please have me as your girlfriend again?" I ask grinning at him. 

"You silly goose. Of course." He says as he hugs me and kisses my lips again. "I love you." 

"I love you too." 


	9. Life changing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another update because why not?  
> Enjoy.

"I have something to tell you." I say to my mom one morning at breakfast.

"What is it?' She smiles over her coffee cup.

"I did something a couple of weeks ago."

"What?" She asks and I grow incredibly anxious.

"This is harder than I thought." I laugh.

"Just spit it out."

"I'm dating Harry again." I say it fast closing my eyes.

"Honey, you do know you're an adult now, right?"

"I know. But you'll always be my mom and what you say matters to me."

"I know. Are you happy?"

"More than I've been before."

"But less bad isn't quite happy. Are you happy?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"Where is this going though?"

"I want to work it out with him. I think I've never stopped loving him, so there's that."

"Then I guess you're all set." She smiles and I take a deep breath in relief. "Did you notify Tree?"

"Not yet. But I will soon."

The rest of the morning progresses as normal until I have to soundcheck and head out for another show. This time, 500 pounds lighter.

"He's gotta be one hell of a guy, Tay. Jeez." Abigail says.

"But are you mad at me that we're back together?"

"I think he's better than Calvin. That was intense, for lack of a better word." She says.

"Fucked up is the term you're looking for." I sigh. "Doesn't answer my question though."

"I think Harry is a great guy. He has fucked shit up in the past, but I mean, who hasn't? His love for you though? Undeniable." Gigi interjects.

"I think so too. I think you two can work things out and be great together. I just hope you're careful enough to not let him break your heart again." Selena says this time.

"How about you, Abbs?" I ask.

"I stand by what I said. He's better than Calvin."

"What's that supposed to mean though?"

"He needs to be more than just a charming, nice-looking, hella good hair guy for me to feel at ease with him dating you again."

"Whose side are you on, Abigail?" I ask.

"Yours, Tay. It has always been yours."

"I just wanna be happy. Shouldn't that count for something? He does make me happy."

"He also broke your heart. Multiple times."

"I'll hold him off a bit so he doesn't break it again."

"I'm not sure, Tay."

"You don't believe I can?"

"I don't believe you should." She says. "You deserve to be happy entirely rather than having to micromanage an entire relationship in order to avoid heartbreak. You're responsible for his heart in this and he should be responsible for yours. If you can't trust that he won't break your heart if you put it on his hands, then what's the point of going into this with him again?"

"I love him. Like, love, love... Like I've never loved anyone before." I sigh. "I really do believe that he loves me enough to at the very least try not to break my heart. It's all we can do, right?"

"I guess." She sighs.

"Will you be happy for me?" I ask and she looks at me. "And have my back still, please? Even if this is the dumbest decision ever?"

"I love you. You're my best friend. I'll always be happy for you and will always have your back." She smiles.

"Thank you." I say. "All three of you." I smile cleaning up some of the tears on the corners of my eyes. "Also, telling you guys was harder than telling my parents. Jeez." We all laugh. "I need a drink."

October went by almost entirely before I saw Harry again. 

By October 29th, he came to see me, but to our utter disappointment, I wasn't feeling so well that day. 

"You should see a doctor, Love." He said from his side of my bed in Nashville "I think that if we go now we can avoid traffic." 

"I don't want to." I mumble. "It's just a stomach bug. It'll pass. Besides, I managed to eat some crackers and keep it down so that's good, right?" 

"Yes. But maybe seeing a doctor would be for the best. You have a concert in two days, right?" 

"Yeah. But I'll feel better by then. I'm sure." I say. 

"Okay." 

"Come snuggle me." I tell him with my eyes still closed and he does. His arms encircle me and pull me closer to his body until we fall back into the mold we've created for each other. 

"You don't feel feverish, love." He says kissing my neck. "What exactly are you feeling?" 

"Don't know." I mumble. 

"Do you think it could be the flu?" 

"I don't think so." I sigh. "I've just been throwing up for the past few days. Can't keep much down. But other than that, I feel fine." I tell him. 

"If you throw up anymore today, I'm gonna take you to the A&E, love. You can't keep going like this. You might need hydration." 

"Mkay." 

I fall asleep again and when I wake up, the sun has set and the room is now glowing with the end of afternoon brightness. 

"What time is it?" I ask rubbing my eyes. 

"5:30 pm, Love. Are you feeling ok?" 

"Jeez. I slept through most of the day. Ugh." I sit up. "I'm feeling better." I pause for a second contemplating how's everything. "Hungry." I say looking back at him. "Maybe I should eat toast or something?" 

"Yeah. Want some ginger ale tea to wash that down?" 

"Sure." I tell him and he proceeds to go make me some food as I go brush my teeth again. 

The rest of the day goes by with Harry snuggling me and watching movies that I like to make me feel better. But by the next day, he needs to fly back to London, so he leaves by 3 pm and I'm left by myself.

Sure enough, I'm feeling better by October 31st and so my life goes on with me flying out to Tampa for the last US date. 

It's now December 1st and I realize I haven't been feeling very well lately. Constantly throwing up and feeling tired and all. I'm in Australia and the tour is almost over so the extents of this tour might be the reason so I pull through it. I might be just tired. Though maybe trading dinner for low carb bars may be the issue here.

December 11th rolls around and that's the scariest date ever. For a second as I was on stage, I thought I was going to pass out. Nobody seems to have noticed though, so I move on.

On my intermission that night, I make sure to eat a banana and a granola bar just in case that was my sugar levels getting too low or something. 

Finishing that concert was a hassle.

I truly wasn't feeling well and that rendered me lacking energy and constantly feeling dizzy but still, I pulled through. 

"Are you feeling ok, Taylor? You seemed a bit off up there." David, one of my stage managers, asked as I came down. 

"Yeah. Just tired, I guess." 

My mom hugged me after the loft '89 that night and slowly said into my ears:

"Honey, are you sure you're okay? I think you blanked out a lot during this loft. On stage you seemed a bit off too. What's going on?" 

"Nothing is going on, mom. It's ok. I'm ok. I'm just super tired tonight." I tell her as I hug her back and lay my head on her shoulder. 

"Okay. Get some rest. You're almost done." She tells me. "Go get in the car. We're leaving in five." 

"I need to get my stuff." I mumble. 

"I already packed everything up. It's waiting in the car." 

"And my phone?"

"Austin has it. He's out in the car already. Go on and get in. I'll be there in a minute." She says and squeezes me a bit tighter and then proceeds to pat me in my butt to let me know I should start moving. 

I get in the car and realize that I actually can't wait to be in bed already. I'm so tired I feel like my bones are rotten. 

"Do you have my phone?" I ask as I get comfortable in the back seat and Austin who's ridding shotgun turns back to look at me. 

"You look like hell. What happened?" 

"Thanks." I deadpan. "My phone?" 

"Seriously though. Are you ok?" He asks me as he hands me my phone. 

"Yeah. Fine. Just tired."

"Ok."

"Tomorrow is my last date." I tell him. "It feels so surreal. Feels like I just started but at the same time, like I've been at it for an entire eternity. I'm bone weary." I tell him.

"I can only imagine." He chuckles. "Congrats on yet another successful tour though. This was fun. Right?" He asks to make sure.

"The most fun I've ever had." I smile at him and we both fall silent smiling contently into the nothingness. 

The driver, Allan, arrives and so does my mom and after all the greetings, we're off to the hotel finally. 

I check my phone for a minute and there's a bunch of text messages but I find that I'm not yet in the right state of mind to answer those. Not even the ones from Harry. So I let them be and shut off the phone instead. 

Resting my head by the door with my jacket as a pillow, I fall fast asleep. 

Next thing I know, I'm gently shaken awake by mother. 

"We're here, honey. Let's go." My mom says and I rise enough to get out of the car and into the elevator.

"Bye, Allan. Thank you. Have a good night." 

"Thank you, ma'am. Good night." 

As if knowing I'm ready to go to bed, my body seems to have relaxed too much, so as I ride the elevator up, I'm almost sleeping on my feet and that isn't exactly a pleasant feeling. I hold onto my mom for support and sure enough, she holds me up but notices the difference. 

"Tay, you're really concerning me. What's wrong?" She says. 

"I'm so tired I could fall asleep right here." I tell her. 

"I know but you've been tired before and yet I've never seen you like this." 

"I just wasn't feeling well this morning. Breakfast was a hassle so it might be just that. Another stomach bug." I tell her. 

"We'll go see a doctor in the morning." She says. 

"I don't need one. Tomorrow is the last date I want to proceed with the special day for the team." I tell her. 

"I know. But we should have at least an hour free that you could take an appointment in." 

"It's ok, mom. I'll probably feel better tomorrow anyway." 

"Alright." The elevator hit our floor and we left it. "Get to bed, honey. Sweet dreams. Text if you need me." She said. 

"Sure. Night, mom. Good night, everyone." 

I'm in my hotel room and asleep within 5 minutes. 

Morning comes faster than I was hoping for and when I open my eyes, sure enough, my stomach lets me know it's alive.

After emptying my stomach entirely, I continue to feel nauseated for about an hour. 

I look up and the clock marks now 6 am. 

I pick up my phone to check last night's texts. 

First, there's one from Harry.

_"Hi, love. Can't wait to see you. Hope you had fun tonight. Are we all set to meet back in the US? Love. H"_

_"Hi, babe. Can't wait to see you too. But I'm feeling weird again. I think I ate something that didn't go well. Maybe I caught something or whatever._

_Yeah. Everything set. I'll see you back there. Love, T."_

Then I see one from Abigail. 

_"Hi, Tay. Are you coming back in time for us to hang out a bit or are we in a tight schedule for your birthday? A."_

_"I don't really know yet. I'll likely get in on the afternoon of the 14th. But we can hang out later or on the 15th. Are you coming to eat some cake with me?"_

_"Yeah. I'll come around. Let me know when you get here._

_Also, isn't it like 6 am where you are?"_

_"Sure. I'll let you know._

_It is. lol_

_I wasn't feeling well. Been throwing up a bit. Thought I'd check my texts."_

_"Are you going to be ok?"_

_"I guess."_

_"Have you seen a doc?"_

_"No. Not yet. Mom wanted to schedule it for me but I think I'll wait a bit. You think I should?"_

_"Well. Yeah."_

_"But nausea is my one and only symptom. It's probably a stomach bug. Right?"_

_"That or you're pregnant. LMFAO"_

_"Jeez. Don't jinx me like that girl!!!!! TAKE THAT BACK! LMFAO"_

_"Alright. But if you're still feeling like that, maybe you should go see a doctor when you get here."_

_"Sure."_

_"I have to go Tay. I'll see you soon."_

_"See ya."_

"It can't be." I thought to myself as I opened my FLO calendar. Sure enough, I was late by 11 days now. 

My heart sank. My stomach dropped while bile rose up my throat. I couldn't possibly be pregnant. Harry and I saw each other back at the end of October but I was sick then.

Last time was... I check my calendar and notes. It was not possible. The last time we were together was in Nashville by the end of September.

I couldn't have gotten pregnant and not know about it for this long. Right? 

I laid in bed for an hour contemplating just what to do and I felt blank. Terrified. 

I called Harry somewhere over 9 am. 

It rang a few times and went to voice mail. 

"Damn it, Harry! Pick up." I say to myself.

I call again. Well aware it's something like midnight over there but in this state, I can't really bring myself to care. 

Four rings and his drunk in sleep voice pick up. 

"It is midnight here, love." He says into the phone. "Are you okay?" 

"Are you going to meet me in Rhode Island for my birthday?" I asked almost to a whisper. 

"Are you ok?" He sounds more alert. 

"Are you going to meet me there?" I ask again. 

"Yes, love. I'll be there." 

"Ok. Good. Ok." 

"Tay, are you ok?" 

"Yeah. I'm okay. I'll need to talk to you when we get there. Ok?" 

"Ok. But are you ok? Should I be worried?" 

"No." I lie. "I just missed you and wanted to hear your voice." I tell him.

"Ok. What are you up to?" 

"I'm gonna get up and go downstairs for the breakfast thing I planned for my band."

"Cool. Maybe keep from eating anything too heavy? Until your stomach calms down? I read your text saying you weren't feeling well." He clarifies. 

"Yeah. Sure." Silence. "Get some sleep, baby. I'm sorry I woke you." 

"It's alright. Love you." 

"Love you. Bye." I hang up.

I get up to go shower and while I'm at it, I make sure to check my attitude so as to not give anything away. 

Once I'm ready, I head out to meet my friends down in the lobby. 

We start telling stories about this tour and it's all so funny. 

Some of these stories I've never heard before and some of those I'm either a part of or I've heard it backstage but I'm entertained by each and every one of them just the same. 

We compare memories in pictures, polaroids, social media posts, digital pictures, and videos and it's all so nostalgic. None of us can actually believe today is our last tour date.

We drink to that. 

To beginnings and endings. 

To nostalgia and the future. 

To being friends. 

To being in this together. 

To having the time of our lives. 

To hope. 

To love. 

To fun.

To being free. 

To having in each other a new family. 

We drink to that. 

Or rather they do, I just pretend.


	10. Happy fucking birthday, Taylor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tonight, at midnight EST time, miss Taylor Swift is releasing a surprise album called Folklore.   
> In honor of that, here's another chapter of this wild ride.   
> Hope you enjoy it.

The show of that night on December 12th gives us all this exhilarating feeling deep into our soul and we're all so happy.

We sing each song deeper, we make each dance move more precisely.

We dress in each costume in pure awe of it knowing full well this is gonna be the last time.

And we make that one concert in tears of joy, happiness, nostalgia, and love.

The crowd seems louder tonight. But maybe it's all in our minds.

After the show, we get together before traveling back to the US and we share what is now the last midnight snack time of this adventure.

We're all very emotional. Not that we won't see each other again. We will. But never again under the same circumstances.

Next time, it'll be a different show, different songs, different clothes, hopefully, different minds. We will have grown a bit and therefore, we won't be the same as we are right now.

After the snack and packing up of personal items, we're off to the airport. We part ways now as we drive there. I have my parents and my brother in my car as we drive to maybe make it in time for my birthday back at home.

When we make it, we board the plane and we're on our way.

I can't help but think about the predicament I'm in right now. I pushed it aside for most of the day today. I pushed it into the very far back of my mind to maybe try and have fun but now that I no longer have any obligations at all, the thought is brought back into the front of my mind.

I feel like crying and screaming and tearing everything down because it can't be true. That's not an option for me.

But at the same time, there's a sense of calmness, hopefulness, and tenderness set deeply inside my soul.

It's a day's worth of flight time so instead of kicking this thought up and down, I decide to sleep a bit instead.

When I rise again, we're about 2 hours off of LA.

I scribbled down a couple of words I have in mind on my notes and I'm pretty sure it's another song but this one wasn't yet taken much further and I figured I'm not in the right mood to write songs right now.

When we finally land back in Rhode Island I go to exit the plane and from the stairs I see him. Standing right there. Staring at me with his loopy smile showing his dimples.

I run the rest of the steps to meet him and I jump into his arms. He catches me with ease and squeezes me into him.

"Hi, love." He says into my ears but I don't yet have words. He chuckles to himself. "Missed me?" He asks while still holding me up off the ground.

"So much." I mumble into his shoulder. "I missed you so much." I say a bit louder now.

"Missed you too." He kisses my hair.

"Hi." I say.

"Hi, sweetheart." He answers lovingly.

He puts me down after that but I still hug him and keep close.

"Your heart is racing, love." He laughs a bit.

"I know. I missed you." I say laughing a bit too.

That's part of the reason, sure. But truly, it's the fear of what's gonna become of us should my suspicions be confirmed. 

"Alright, if you two are done, let's get in the car now. I need a real bed for at least a two-hour nap before anything else. Come on!" Austin yells out and we all laugh a bit before following him into the car.

As we're on our way now, I remember that I need to take some tests from a pharmacy so I need to come up with a reason to stop there in the first place.

I open my backpack and pretend to search for my contact liquid.

"Can't find my contact liquid. Mom, do you have it?" I ask knowing full well I just saw it at the very bottom of my bag.

"No, honey. You packed that with your own stuff remember?"

"Yeah. But I can't find it and my eyes are dry as hell now." I say.

"Just look a bit further, honey. It's probably in your bag."

"I have looked, mom. It isn't here."

"Just take them out and wear your glasses." Austin said.

"To take them out I need the contact liquid, genius." I deadpan and he shrugs. "Can we please stop at a pharmacy on our way?"

"Honey, just wait until you get home. You have more of those at home right?"

"Dad, I haven't been to this home specifically since June of last year. I'm not about to put any of those contact liquids in my eyes now considering they just sat there unattended for over a year." I say seriously. "I need a new one."

"Fine. We'll stop when I see a pharmacy."

We find a pharmacy not even five minutes later and stop to go in.

"You guys can just wait here. I'll be right back."

"What? You can't go in alone." My dad interjects.

"If you guys come too, it'll attract attention. Just stay here. I'll be in and out."

That seems to make sense to everyone so I go on. I put on my sunglasses and my hoodie and I get out of the car to go get what I need and a new contact liquid to cover up.

I roam the isles in search of them and I thank the heavens that the pregnancy tests aren't in full display out to the window so I pick up five of those and everyone waiting for me at the car is none the wiser.

I pick up a contact liquid and a box of candy bars too so that in case anyone sees me putting a bag inside my backpack, they'll just think I put the candy box inside it, rather than having to pretend like I didn't put anything at all.

I make it back into the car and I open the new contact liquid and put some drops of it into my eyes. They actually do feel better that way and then we're off again.

"Did you get what you needed?" Austin asks and I know a pun or a remark is coming somewhere.

"Uhum." I answer as I pack the contact kit away.

"Did you get that box of condoms too?" My head snaps up to look at him.

"What the hell?"

"We saw you pack that box into your backpack weirdo." He's laughing so hard now.

I hit him in the back of his head.

"Stupid. That's a box of candy bars." I pull it out and throw it at him. "But if you want, Harry and I can always tell you about all the-"

"Okay! Enough." My mom says from the passenger seat. "Settle down the two of you."

"He started it." I say.

"Enough." She says again and Austin smirks beside me.

"You know what? You don't get any candy." I say as I pull the box back from his hands. Everyone laughs now and we're good again.

The boxes inside my bag seem to be burning a hole through my hand but I hold on tight. Soon we'll know.

We make it home and the team setting up for my party is already there.

Everything looks beautiful already but I now regret deeply having set up for a party. Should've gone for a just family cake.

Under the excuse that I'm super tired and in need to freshen up, I leave my family downstairs and pull Harry upstairs with me. We're having this conversation now because I can't hold on to this information any longer.

I close the door behind us and move to sit on the bed.

"We need to talk." I tell him.

"Okay."

"Something happened." I say and already there are tears showing in my voice. "I think."

"Just out with it. You scare me when you do that." He says and his eyes are sharp but he seems terrified.

"I-" Tears stream down my face now and his hands rest now on my thigh. "Harry, I think I'm pregnant." I blurt out and a sob wrecks through me.

He's stunned and shocked. Doesn't really have any reaction.

"Please say something." I tell him after quite a few minutes of just the sounds of my tears and hiccups.

"Are you sure?" He asks.

"No. Not yet."

"How the hell did that happen?" He asks stunned.

"You know how babies are made. Don't you?"

"I haven't seen you since..." He thinks about it. 

"September." I fill in his blank. 

"Exactly. How's- how's that even possible?" He asks rubbing his face.

"If you're about to suggest it's not yours, I swear. So help me god. I'll kick your balls into your throat right now." 

"I-" He takes a deep breath. "Tay. I'm at a loss. What the hell? When?" 

"If I'm indeed... You know... Then I'm quite a few weeks along." I say. 

"I thought you were on birth control." He says. 

"I was."

"What happened?" 

"I don't know!" 

"You don't know?!" He shrieks. 

"I don't know." 

"Did you forget to take any?" 

"No." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes, Harry. I'm sure." 

"Then how the hell did this happen?" 

"I don't know!" I sob and he cries too. 

"How come you don't..." He trails off. 

"What do you want me to say?" I cry and he sighs. 

"Nothing. You didn't do this alone and you didn't do anything wrong. It's ok. I'm sorry. I'm just... Overwhelmed, I guess." He says much calmer now. "We need to be sure though."

"I bought some tests to take. It's in my bag." I tell him.

"Okay. Let's do them." He says reaching for my bag to give it to me. "It's okay." 

"Are you mad?" I whisper. 

"No. No... Just... surprised, I think." He says as I cry harder. 

"Are you... Are you gonna leave me now? It's ok if you don't wanna do this."

"Don't say that. I'm not going anywhere. But even if I wanted to leave you, I was raised better than that. I'd never knock a girl up only to leave when shit goes down." 

"I don't want you to stay out obligation or in the name of doing what's traditional or right." I sob into my hands. 

"I'm staying because I love you, though." He wraps his hands around me.

"I'm so scared." I whisper. 

"It's ok. I'm right here. It's ok. We'll handle this however it comes. I'm not going anywhere." He says and I break down in his arms.

"Taylor, look at me." He asks after a while. "I love you. If you're pregnant, it's ok. We can handle it. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave. We're ok. It's all gonna be ok. Alright?" I nod. "I'm right here love. It's ok."

I pick up the bag and pull out the boxes in it and I head into the bathroom and Harry waits for me out in the bedroom.

I come out a minute later with all the sticks inside a ziplock bag and go sit down with him by the bed.

"I'm so-sorry." I tell him still very much crying.

"What for love?" He asks holding me close to his side again.

"I ma-made a mess o-out of us."

"You did not." He says firmly while turning me to look up into his eyes. "You did not!" He kisses my forehead. "We did this together. If there's any blame into this, we both know it's up to share. I'm very much a part of this. You don't EVER take this upon yourself only. I'm right here. Ok? I'm sorry I freaked out. I can see how that sounded like it was your fault. But it's not, Tay. I was right there with you and it's as much your fault as it is my own. I'm so sorry. I should have been wearing a condom. We knew better. I knew better. I'm sorry." He kisses my lips softly this time to reassure me.

"My life is over." I sob.

"It isn't, love. We don't even know what's up yet. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

"Will you please look?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"I can't-" Another hard sob leaves my body rattling my entire being. "I c-can't look."

"Ok. It's ok. I'll look." He holds my head to his chest and caresses my hair while rocking me back and forth.

After a few minutes, my phone beeps to let us know that the time is up.

"Do you wanna look now?" He asks now that my cries have subsided.

"If that is positive my life is over. My career." I tell him.

"It's not, love. It doesn't have to be."

"I'm terrified."

"Me too." He rubs my legs comforting. "If it comes back positive, do you know yet what you wanna do? I'll stand by you whatever you decide." He hurries to clarify.

"If it comes back positive, termination isn't an option. Are you game?"

"Yes, I'm game. Whatever you want. Whatever you decide. I'm here. I won't go anywhere. Ok?"

"Ok." I sigh. "You can look now."

He looks down towards the bag of sticks and it feels like he's taking 5 hours to read each stick but in reality, he's probably taking 5 seconds.

His face is almost unreadable but his lips twitch a bit and I suddenly already know the answer.

"One line is negative and two is positive, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well then, we have five positive tests." He looks back at me and I crumble once again.

"It's ok, love." He rubs my back as he hugs me to his chest. 

"I'm so done." I sob. 

"You're not. You're not done. It's ok." 

"I can't have a baby." 

"You decide what you wanna do and I'll support you in whatever you want. But if you wanna keep it, you can and I'll be right by your side. You can do it." 

"But people hate me over nothing. Imagine what a baby from a secret relationship to someone who was previously my ex is gonna do to my already bad reputation?" 

"It does not matter, though." 

"It does!!!" I say exasperated. "It really does." 

"Love..." 

"It's gonna be hell." I whisper. 

"There might be hell to pay but think about it, it won't be hell. We'll get through it and then we'll baby shop and build a nursery and we'll have a baby!" He smiles but I'm still crying hard. "It's ok." 

"I'm terrified." 

"I know." He kisses my temple. 

"Happy fucking birthday, Taylor." I say in regards to myself and we both laugh a bit amidst tears.


	11. Promise? Promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> folklore is one hell of an album.  
> If you haven't listened to it yet, please do. 
> 
> If Cardigan (Taylor's newest single) debuts at #1 on Monday,  
> I'll drop 3 chapters on Tuesday. If not, I'll drop one as soon as I can and wait for the sadness to pass. LOL

"Will you come to shower with me, please?" I ask him. "I want you to hold me as tight as you can for a minute. I need to pull it together to get through the party." I tell him. 

"Sure, love." He kisses my hair again. "Are you feeling ok?" I nod. "Good." Silence. 

"We'll need to talk a bit more about this after the party."

"I know." He says. "I love you. We'll be ok." 

"I love you too." I say and he hugs me tighter. 

I pick up some sweatpants for myself and a shirt. I still have a few hours before the party so there's no need to get ready yet. 

Harry comes up with some sweatpants for himself too and a white shirt from his luggage. 

We get into the bathroom and I turn on the water. Hot as ever, just the way I like it. 

True to his words and my requests, he holds me tightly in his arms as the water washes over both of us. 

I'm no longer crying at this point but my body is still involuntarily sighing from time to time. 

"I'll have to set up an appointment for when I go back to Nashville. To make sure. Do you wanna come?" I ask him. 

"Yeah. When is that gonna be?" 

"In a couple of days, I think." 

"Ok. Sure." He says. "Are you gonna tell your family before the blood test or are you gonna wait?"

"I'm gonna wait a bit. I don't think I can handle telling them all at once anyway. They'll freak out. I'll tell them separately." 

"Ok. Cool." 

"Are you gonna wait to tell your family too?" 

"Yeah. After the doctor's appointment, I think I'll fly back there to tell them in person." 

"Ok." 

We stay for another few minutes just holding each other under the water stream before we wash ourselves off and come out of the shower. 

I get changed and put a towel in my hair and head out straight into bed and Harry does too after drying his hair a bit better. 

He lays down behind me and holds me close to his chest. 

"Are you ok?" He whispers as he kisses my neck and my ear. 

"Yeah." I rasp out, now very much feeling the aftermath of crying for so long. 

He holds me tighter.

Not long after, I fall into a deep sleep and I dream of days prior to this one.

Me on stage for the 1989 tour, singing the opening line of Welcome to New York.

It's almost like life is mocking me for knowing this is a time that I'll never see again. 

After a while, I'm gently shaken awake by Harry. 

"Your mom says you need to get up to get ready." He says but I'm a bit groggy so I can't really keep up. 

"Went pretty deep there huh?" He chuckles. "Wake up, love. Your party will begin soon." 

"Oh. Okay." I say as I rub my eyes to chase away the sleep.

Softly, I feel his lips against mine. 

"Also, Happy birthday, love." He kisses me smiling as he places a box on top of my chest. I immediately take my hands down from my eyes to look at what it is.

"Thank you." I smile and kiss him again. "What is it?" 

"Open it." He says. "I'm confident you'll like it." He's got a smug smile on his face now.

I open the box and there's a beautiful necklace inside. Shaped like a small planet in blue and clear with sparkles and light rings around it kind of like Saturn. 

"This is beautiful, Harry. Wow." I tell him as I touch it with my fingertips. 

"I had it made for you. So you are currently the only girl in the world in possession of one of these." 

"Thank you. I love it." 

"You're very welcome, love." 

I take it on my hand to inspect it a bit closer. 

"What is this? I'm scared I'll break it but I wanted to wear it tonight." 

"It's half tanzanite, half diamond held together by the white gold laced with platinum and rhodium in the small ring. You won't break it, love. Trust me." He smiled. 

"Oh my God, Harry!" I sit up abruptly. "What the hell? You can't give me something like this." I say as I try to put it back into the box. 

"Why not?" 

"What? Oh my God. This is a whole ass big jewelry. You can't do that." 

"Love, I had this made out especially for you. Of course, I can." 

"I thought you were kidding. Or that you found this at a fair or something. I thought it was just a small gift. Harry!!!" I say exasperated.

"Taylor!!!" He mimicks. 

"I mean it, I can't accept this." 

"Yes. You can." 

"Babe, this is something you do for like your 25th anniversary with your wife or something. You don't do this for a girlfriend who screwed your life over with a baby." I tell him. "I'm not even your wife." I say looking up at him. 

"Yet. You're not my wife yet." He says and smiles and I see he decided to ignore my comment about the baby. "Someday I'll be out there saying I do to you. Just wait and see." 

"Harry..." 

"It's yours, love. You can put it back in the box and shove it in the far back of your closet or you can take it out and wear it tonight. Your choice. But I won't take this back. You deserve the entire world, darling. And I'll spend all my life trying to give it to you." He says and kisses me slowly. "Happy birthday." 

"I love you." I tell him. 

"I love you too." 

"Will you put it on for me?" I ask excitedly. 

"Yes." He says as he takes it from my hands to put it around my neck. "You look gorgeous with it." He says after he's done. 

"Wow. This is amazing. It's so beautiful." I say staring at the selfie I just took to see how it looked. "Thank you so much." I tell him. 

I get up after a few minutes and head out to get my hair and makeup done. Harry comes down to hang out with my brother in the meantime. 

My mother notices the necklace right away and so does Abigail who just got into town. 

"Harry gave it to me. Birthday gift." I say smiling. 

"Wow. That's beautiful, honey." My mom says. 

"What is it? Diamond?" Abigail asked. 

"Am I that dumb that I thought this was glass?" I asked incredulously. 

"Well yeah." She says and I shove her. "I mean, girl, if you thought Harry would give you a glass pendant, how dumb can you actually be?" She's laughing. 

"I wasn't expecting this." I say. 

"So, what is it?" She asks again. 

"A half diamond, half tanzanite with a white gold chain and ring to hold it together." I say looking down at it. 

"Cool. That's beautiful."

"Does it have a meaning or did he just picked it out?" My mom asks. 

"He had it made so it likely has a meaning? He hasn't told me yet." I say. 

"Tell Harry he's now uninvited to the party." My mom says and Abigail nods her head pretending to be serious. 

"Why is that?" 

"Because now, every single other present in comparison to this will fail. They'll fade to nothing. How dare he?" My mother says and everyone burst out laughing. "He's not coming. Tell him he's gonna have to stay locked in the bedroom until the party is over." 

She's laughing too now. 

We got hair and makeup done and soon, my guests started to arrive. 

Now that the party is going full-blown with most of my close friends, bandmates and team, I realize how this party is actually a shot fired by my own gun into my own foot. 

In such a situation, I'm expected to do drinking games at the end of the night. I'm expected to be drunk by this time. Getting out of that is the hassle of the century. 

"Come on, Taylor. Let's do a shot game? Please?" Ed asked and my brother jumps right on to the idea. 

"Yes! Let's do it. Should be fun!" Austin says. 

"I'm all in." I hear Cara say and others nod her head in agreement too. 

"Not tonight you guys. You can absolutely go ahead and play it without me. I'll be happy watching." I smile. 

"No!!! It's not as fun without you. Come on?" Ed whines. 

"Not tonight. Sorry." I chuckle. 

"Buzzkill." He says pouting a bit and making everyone laugh in the process, which got some of the attention off of me. 

Dumping all my drinks in the sink from time to time without anyone noticing has been kind of a fun game between Harry and I. We sure are having fun with it. 

The party went up to 1 am before my guests started to get home only leaving my family, Abigail, and Ed. 

"Remember that time I almost impaled you with a sword on the plane? Your eyes almost bulged out of your face." Ed, who's now very much drunk says laughing hard at himself. 

"I'm very glad my almost death experience serves to amuse you and it's a reason for such a joy in your life, mister." I say laughing a bit too. 

"Come on. It was hilarious. Your face was priceless." He laughed even harder and we all laughed too. 

A bit of silence falls onto us and it's actually comfortable. 

"I'm wiped. I'm gonna head into bed." Austin is the first one to go. 

"You know what? Me too." My mom says and Abigail takes that as her cue. 

"Me too." She says. "Hope you had an amazing day Tay." She kisses my head as she passes me by on the chair I'm sitting with Harry. "Go get that second present, girl. And don't be too loud." She whispers into my ear and I slap her in the butt as she jumps away. 

"Guess I'm going too, honey." My dad says as he too kisses my forehead. 

"Night everyone." I call out as they all pile out of the room leaving both me and Harry in the company of Ed only. 

"If you think I'm gonna head out so the two of you can be alone, not a chance." Ed says looking out the window and I know he's holding his laugh. 

"Piss off, you." Harry says as he throws a pillow at Ed as we all laugh now. 

"But truth now. Did you have a good birthday, Tay?" Ed asks. 

"Yeah. Absolutely. It was fun." 

"I'm glad." He sighs into his glass. "Could've been more fun if someone wasn't a party pooper." He says and we chuckle. 

"I have bigger issues right now than being a party pooper, to be honest." I say calmly and nonchalantly and Harry pokes me slightly. 

"What issues? That you've just finished an entire fucking remarkable tour that paid you larger than life?" We all laugh a bit. 

"I'm gonna miss that one." I say. 

"Or that you're now sorta publicly dating THE heartthrob of this generation?" 

Another pillow flies at him by Harry's hands. 

"I'm running out of pillows to throw here, bud." He too is laughing. 

"Alright. I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm scared he's gonna throw that bottle at me next time I score against him." He laughs and a ball flies his way now. It was part of the decoration for the party. It wasn't heavy enough that it could hurt him. 

"Good night, guys."

"Night."

"Night, bud. Thanks for flying out to come tonight." I say.

"Thanks for having me. I had fun. Night." 

He heads out into bed and Harry and I stay behind. Now the only ones in the room. 

I scoot down to sit in lap now rather than the arm of the chair. 

I rest my head on Harry's chest and we both stare outside through the windows. 

His arms encircle me and he places a gentle kiss on top of my head while squeezing me a bit. 

"Did you have a good birthday?" He asks. 

"As good as it could be." I say. 

"But did you have fun? All things considered?" 

"Fun? Yeah. Sure." I say sleepily into his chest. 

"Wanna head into bed?" 

"I wanna stay here a minute more. I like staring out the window with you." Silence. "What does this necklace mean?" I ask after a while and my hand shoots up to calmly and carefully trace it.

"It means that I love you and wanted to give you a gift because it was your birthday." 

"I know. But like, does the pendant have any meaning or you just thought this looked pretty?" 

"It does look pretty." He says looking down at where my hand held the pendant. "But I choose this to let you know that first if I could, I'd give you the entire world, love. Since I can't, I thought giving you a world would do for now." 

"For now?" I chuckle. "Planning on taking over the world someday?" I laugh a bit. 

"Yes!" He laughs. "With you." He says and kisses my hair. 

"What else?" I say. "You didn't finish." 

"I just... It reminded me of you. When I look into your eyes, they sparkle more than any star. They hold more mystery than any galaxy. They show your soul in a way I've never seen before on anyone else and your soul is as vast as the universe and just as unknown. Hold so much power and intention and fire and greatness. I just wanted this necklace to let you know that any known planet cannot compare to your beauty and to the greatness of your soul and any unknown planet could never compare to the mystery of your soul. 

I wanted to let you know that I'll stay this time. Because just like I love exploring the universe through knowledge out there, I'll spend the rest of my life getting to know you and I've never been happier about the notion of such a long time. Forever is a long time, but I'm right here for it." 

I look up and I kiss him slowly and deeply. 

"I love you." I say when we break the kiss. 

"I love you too." He says. "Also, now that you're having my baby, I see how fate actually brought that idea into my mind just so that I could ease your worries. Baby or no baby, I'm here." He says and I almost cry. 

"Do you promise?" I ask. 

"I promise." 

"If I'm pregnant. I wanna keep it." 

"Then we'll keep it. I want that too." 

"I'm gonna get a lot of hate over it though. Are you even remotely ready for that?" 

"No." He says and I hear his heart race a bit. "And it fucking kills me that you've already braced yourself for it because based on your past experiences, you know a shit storm is coming." 

"Sadly, I'm sure." I say. "Do you think you can handle that?" 

"I have to." He says. 

"No. You don't." I sit up to look back at him. "you don't have to. I don't want you to stay if you're not 100% in it." I tell him seriously. 

"I am though. And yes, I have to. I'm a man, Taylor. I'd never knock up a girl and leave her to handle it as if I wasn't every bit at fault for it as she is. We are adults. We made a baby together now we're tied together too." 

"That doesn't sound very romantic." I tell him. 

"No. It sounds like me taking responsibility for the things I do." He said. 

"I know. But I want you to stay because you love me, not because I ruined your life and you feel obligated to stay." A few tears run down my face. 

"Didn't I just tell you the meaning of that necklace?" I nod. "Why are you doubting that already? I love you. You. Only you. I'm staying because I love you. Okay?" He says as he holds my face with both his hands and he rests his forehead on mine while my hands hold on to his wrists and after all, I nod, though the tears won't stop just yet. 

"But I'm also holding myself accountable for the things we did together. I want you to feel safe with me rather than just loved because you already know that I love you. I've loved you for a long time now. But before, when love was all I could offer, it didn't work and it tore us apart. You needed more than just love because love doesn't pay bills, love doesn't hold careers, love doesn't handle public harassment, love doesn't prevent us from getting hurt. Accountability does. It pays the bills, it holds up careers, it handles public hate, it avoids some kinds of heartache... It gives me a chance to know things better and to have a sense of direction rather than navigating through it blindly and mindlessly. So I'm taking responsibility for this so that you know that you can fall back into me. So that you know you're not alone. So that you know that you can trust me. So that you know I've got you. I've got you, love. I've got you and this baby. I'm owning up to this so that you can rest assured that I'm right here and I love you." He breathes in and I break down even harder. "I love you, Taylor Alison Swift. I love you so much I can't even put that into words. I'm just making sure that you feel loved but also seen, heard, understood, protected, admired, cherished. Okay? I love you." He says as his lips rest lightly on my forehead. 

"O-okay." I hiccup in the space between us. "Please promise not to go anywhere?" 

"I promise, love." 

I nestle into his neck and his arms encircle me and pull me closer to his chest. I've never felt anything like this before. Like the rest of the world doesn't matter and for the first time, I feel like I can win. 


	12. Positive and Pacing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, WE DEBUTED #1 ON BILLBOARD'S HOT 100 CHARTS WITH CARDIGAN!!!!
> 
> I am not Taylor, but I worked so hard with my friends to make sure that happened so do I celebrate that victory as if it were my own? Yes. Yes, I do. Damn right, I do. 
> 
> As promised, here's chapter 1/3 that will be released today. 
> 
> Since this is a rushed release, I'm sorry if I missed any mistakes.  
> Proofreading your own work is already hard.  
> Proofreading your own work when it's 3 chapters on the same day, almost impossible.  
> Feel free to point mistakes out. I'll gladly go back and fix them. 
> 
> Thank you, guys.  
> Enjoy.

Harry paces the room so much I feel like he's gonna wear down the floors. 

"Can you please stop?" I ask him as I just lie in bed with my arms over my face. 

"I'm too nervous." He stops for a second. 

"I'm aware."

"I need answers." 

"Me too. But please stop pacing. It's driving me insane." I say. "Plus, we still have about two hours of waiting to do. I can't handle two hours of you pacing." I tell him. 

I don't hear any more pacing noises but I do hear his clothes shuffling and I know he's glued to his spot because he doesn't wanna piss me off but he's also restless. 

"Harry..."

"What? I'm not doing anything." He defends.

"Come here. Come lie down with me." I ask. 

"I can't love. I'm gonna self combust if I try." 

"Come here, baby. Please." I open my eyes to look at him and he comes my way letting out a long sigh. 

"I'm so out of my mind right now I could explode." He says while climbing on top of me. 

"I know." I hug him lightly while running my hands through his hair as he lies on my chest. "Me too." I gently run my nails on his scalp and that seems to calm him down a little. 

"Have you thought of a way to tell your family?" He asks. 

"Not yet." I say. 

"Do you want me to be there when you do?" 

"Maybe. Yeah." 

"Okay." He says. "Do you think you can come with me to tell my mom?" 

"Sure." I say. "Do you think she's gonna flip though?" 

"I don't think so. I think it'll just be nice to have you there." 

"Mkay." 

"Do you think your parents are gonna flip?" 

"I don't know, actually. I think they're going to be surprised and maybe a bit agitated. But, I'm an adult. I don't think it'll be that big of a hassle anyway." 

"I hope so." 

"Scared of my dad much?" I ask amused. 

"Well... Yeah." He says looking up at me. 

"My dad couldn't hurt a fly, dude." I chuckle. 

"A fly has never tried to hurt you. Me? I'm in for a treat for sure. He's gonna kill me." He says and I laugh hard now. "I mean it, Tay." He nudges me.

"Dude. He's not. Chill." I tell him. 

We lay together for a little while before he grows restless again and starts moving against me. 

"Harry, you truly need to stop this." I tell him. 

"What?" 

"This!!! You. Moving all over the place!" I tell him exasperated. 

"Why? Did I hurt the baby?" He asks all worried climbing off of me. "I forgot. Sorry. Is it ok?" 

"Dude, I don't think you can hurt an unborn baby like this. If it's there, it's safe inside." He looks relieved. "You need to stop for my sake, not baby's." 

"Sorry." He looks down. "Can I go walk it off instead?" 

"Go." I sigh.

He starts pacing once again and we're right back where we started. 

Another 45 minutes go by before my phone rings. 

"Oh thank god." I mumble. "Hello?" 

The woman on the phone gives me all the information needed and confirms some of my own before she lets the doctor talk to me on the phone. 

When she does, I look up at Harry and he seems like he's about to burst or self combust or maybe a combined effect of both. 

"It's positive." I mouth to him before he dies of anticipation.

"Oh my god." He says back. 

Once the phone call ends he's left kneeling down on my bed by my side staring at me. 

"We're having a baby." I tell him as tears come to my eyes. 

"We're having a baby." He repeats stunned. 

To me, despite the fact that I was expecting such a result, it feels like the world just imploded and everything is gone. Life is now moving in slow motion as I slowly process her words.

"It came back positive." I say it again. I think mostly to myself. "Oh my god." I rub my face with both my hands as the tears come back full force. "My career is absolutely over. My fans will hate me. My family will kill me. This baby is doomed from the get-go. Everyone will talk shit about it. Oh my god." I say as I lie back down with both my hands covering my face.

"Shhh. You're ok. It's ok." Harry hugs me and rubs my back while I sob uncontrollably now into his chest.

"It's not ok!!!" I scream pushing against his chest and we're both stunned by that. "I'm not ok." I say a bit less aggressive and he reverts back to hold me.

"Why are you crying?" He asks after a long while. 

"Because I don't know what you're feeling." I tell him. 

"I'm going to be okay, love. It's fine." 

"I've ruined your life. And mine." 

"You have not. We're gonna be okay." 

"We're not though." I sob.

"What do you want to do?" 

"I don't know." I tell him. 

"You said you wanted to keep it. Have you changed your mind?" He asks carefully. 

"I don't know!" I explain again. "I don't know what I want or what I will do or what I should do. I don't know. Okay? I think I want to keep it but what if I can't?" 

"It's ok to not know. But you'll need to figure that out soon love. We'll need a game plan." 

"I know that." I say defeated. "Do you want a baby?" I ask with such a small voice I can barely recognize it as my own. 

"Of course I want this baby. If that's what you want. I don't wanna pressure you into anything though." He says and I breathe in like I had been underwater for a whole day. 

"But we have so much to do and we've got nothing figured out. How's that gonna work?"

"I don't know but we can figure things out as we go. We don't have to have it all figured out right now." 

"I don't have that luxury." I say. "Figuring things out as I go. I need a plan." 

"We need to know what you want before we can have a plan." I fall silent for a while after he says this. 

"I wanna keep it." I say after what has surely been forever. 

"Okay. We'll keep it." He says as he places a kiss on my hair. "We're having a baby!" He says a bit more excited. "Get happy. We're gonna have a tiny little me running around here soon." He says and I can hear the laugh in his voice already. 

"I hope it's a tiny me. You were trouble from the start. I want a calm child." I say and he laughs as he knows he successfully calmed me down. 

It doesn't last long though as the tears return not five minutes later. 

"Why are you crying now?" He asks. 

"Cause I don't know what I am feeling." I tell him. 

"Talk to me. Let's figure that out." 

"I think I'm just confused. And emotional." 

"And?" 

"I don't know." I sob again. "I'm terrified. It's real now. Right? I'm gonna have a baby. My life is so public at this point it's scary how this is gonna go." 

"We'll make it private. You don't have to share this until you're ready. You have at least five months before you really have to get out there. Right?" 

"Two months. Three if I'm lucky." I tell him. "I have a few things scheduled already." 

"Maybe canceling them is the best option."

"That will raise questions. In my entire career, I canceled the entirety of one show. It's unusual for me to pull out of things like that." 

"Ok. Postpone?" 

"Can't." 

"I'm out of options." 

"Me too." 

"We're having a baby though. Think about this. A tiny little thing that we made together." 

"I know. And I want to get excited like you but you have no idea what a shit storm this is actually going to be for me." 

"I'll be with you every step of the way." 

"I know. But it'll still be me. You'll walk out of this almost unscathed. Me? I'll be massacred into dust." 

"I won't let that happen to you. I'll take responsibility too." 

"You don't understand. Nothing you say or do will change it. I'm already someone they love to hate. It isn't too hard for them to make this into yet another plot to get the entire world to hate me again. Maybe they'll succeed this time." 

"I'll stand by you then." He says and I nestle into his chest again and he holds me until I'm done crying. 

After a while, I start to get up. 

"Where are you going, love?" He asks. 

"We need to go to the doctor's office." 

"Why?" 

"Sonogram. Didn't I tell you?" I ask. 

"No." He says incredulously. 

"Oh." I say looking down. "Sorry." I say sheepishly. 

"It's ok." He says. "Am I coming along too?" He asks. 

"Of course you're coming." I say. "Why? Did you want to stay back?" 

"No. I wanna come too." 

"Let's go then. We're gonna go see our baby for the first time." I say smiling a bit. 

"Are you excited?" He asks smiling too. 

"Well... Kinda. I think so." I say and he kisses my cheek as he gets up to get ready. 

I shower quickly and get ready with a grey Rihanna shirt, black leggings, and black boots with a leather jacket. 

"Are you ready?" He asks once I come out of the bathroom brushing my hair. 

"Yeah." I say. "I'm nervous." I say and he comes a bit closer and his hands encircle my waist. 

"Me too." He kisses me for a minute. 

He holds my hands and we go downstairs to leave. 

We take a regular car with black windows so no driver is needed. 

As he drives us there, my stomach seems so unsettled. 

"I feel like I'm gonna throw up." I tell him. 

"Do you want me to pull over?" 

"No. I can't risk anyone seeing it." 

"Okay." 

Once we get there, we look at each other for a minute before we leave the car to get inside. I think both our hearts were thumping against our chests. 

We get inside and Dr. Sullivan is already waiting for me. I fill out the forms under "Alison Taylor" for the appointment with her and sit down to wait. 

"Ms. Taylor? Dr. Sullivan will see you now." A nurse calls me up not even five minutes after I sat down. 

"Hi Ms. Swift. How are you doing today?" Dr. Sullivan asks as we enter her office. 

"Please, just Taylor." I tell her. "I'm good. Given everything." I say. "This is Harry, my boyfriend." 

"Hi Harry. It's nice to meet you." She says and they shake hands. 

"You too ma'am." 

"So let's get to it. Shall we? We're gonna talk a bit and figure somethings out." She says and we all sit down. "So, let's talk about this. Have you made a decision yet or are we still on the decision part?" 

I look at Harry for a second and he looks at me. 

"Uhm. We've decided to keep it." I say slowly and carefully while looking at Harry the entire time. "We'll keep the baby." I say it again looking at the doctor now. 

"Amazing. You two are in for a treat if I say so myself." She smiles. 

"Thanks." We both say in response. 

"Since that's already decided, let's move on. This is gonna be the longest appointment of your entire pregnancy, probably. There's gonna be a bunch of tests and questions. Okay?" 

"Sure." I say. 

"Not to be scared though. You're fine." She chuckles. "So let's start because we have an awfully long way to go." She says and I wait for it. "Do you have a history of mental issues or are there any cases of it in your family?" 

"No." I say. 

"Have you ever had chickenpox? If so, at what age?" 

"Yes. I don't know. 6 or 7 I think." 

"How long ago was your last STD screening?" 

"Back at the end of July." 

"Are you taking any medication right now?" 

"I was on birth control but no I guess." 

"What kind of birth control were you on?" 

"Combination monophasic pills." 

"Are you off of them yet?" 

"Yes. Since I suspected." 

"Okay. When was your last period?" 

"Last month, apparently. November 1st through 4th. This month it didn't come." 

"Okay. When was your last sexual intercourse before that?" 

"I was uh. We were both on tour separately so I think it was by the end of September." 

I can't see my own face right now but I feel it becoming so hot that I don't have to see it to know for a fact that it's crimson red. I feel like a middle schooler again where sex is a forbidden word. 

"Okay. Have you been hospitalized at all lately?" 

"No."

"Are you allergic to any medication?"

"Not that I know of." 

"Do you have a history of miscarriage or abortions?" 

"No." 

"Have you eaten anything like raw fish or drank alcohol?" 

"Well, not fish. But I did have some alcohol. I didn't know." I say and she can probably feel the hesitant tone in my voice. 

"It's ok. Don't feel guilty. It's fine. I just needed to know. You have cats right?" 

"Yes." 

"How many?" 

"2." 

"Do they go outside? Are their vaccines up to date?"

"No. They don't go outside. Yes. They're vaccinated." 

"You're gonna need to screen them for toxoplasmosis. Seek that test with your regular veterinarian." I nod. "Last for this part, any tenderness to your breasts?" 

"Uhhh." I look at Harry and he's beyond himself. He's blushing so hard like that was a dirty word too. I almost chuckle at that, but I hold back. "A lot, actually." 

"Ok. I'm gonna need you to go change into this gown. We're gonna start the second round." 

I do as I'm told while Harry awaits right outside the curtains o hold my clothes for me. 

Once I'm done, I'm left in nothing but my black socks and that weird paper gown. 

When I come back, I'm directed to sit at her examination table. 

"Taylor, we're gonna start by the hard part now, okay? we're gonna need to take some blood now. Is that ok?" 

"Uh. Yeah." I say almost to a whisper. 

"What for though?" Harry asks and we both look back at him as he's standing behind where I'm sitting. "Sorry. Just curious." 

"It's ok." She says. "We're going to see if her levels are ok. Make sure she's healthy. Check for the possibility of varicella, chickenpox, rubeola any form of hepatitis. A screen for STDs. A screen for a few genetic conditions that can affect both her and the baby. But we also need to define a few things about this pregnancy. We're gonna test her RH factor and blood type." We're looking at her like she'd grown two heads though. "You've been touring right?" I nod. "Worldwide?" I nod again. "So I'll throw in a tuberculosis screening too. But don't worry. All of that can be done with just 4 tubes of blood." She says as she walks to the door and calls up a nurse. 

She comes and after regular pleasantries, proceeds to put a cuff around my arm telling me she's gonna measure my blood pressure.

"It's fine. 110 over 70." 

Once that's done, she proceeds to clean up my arm and to take the blood. I bury my face into Harry's chest now kinda sideways and hold on to him with my free hand. 

Once it's done and I look up, she's packing up the blood and her supplies.

"You're all done with that part." She says smiling at me. 

"Ok." I smile back a little. 

"Ok Taylor. We're gonna need some samples from your cervical mucus. You can lay back now and scoot down to the end of the bed please." She says pulling her chair closer that way. 

Harry moves a bit to stand by my side. 

The nurse brings back an entire table of new things I assume she's gonna use. 

"What are those?" I ask a bit hesitant as the nurse drapes a white sheet over me to cover me up a bit. 

"Those are the things that I'm gonna need to use to help me with knowing how your cervix is doing. If there's any infection, if you need anything to help control your flora in your vaginal canal, rather it is raising or bringing the numbers down." Dr. Sullivan explains. "Since we're already down here, we're also gonna give you an ultrasound. Since it's still a bit early and you did experience a little bleeding last month, it's the safest way for me to access what exactly is going on in there." 

"Do you think there's something wrong with the baby?" 

"No. I think your baby is fine. It's very common to experience bleeding at the very beginning and it looks a lot like your period so you wouldn't know the difference. I just need to make sure." 

"Okay."

As I prop my legs up and she disappears from view down my legs. 

I hear the clink of metal and that scares me a little bit, to be honest. 

"Taylor, did you have sexual intercourse on the past two days?"

"No." 

"Did you use any medication inside your vaginal canal or anything else, like water, or those shower gels that promises to leave you smelling like flowers?" 

"Uhm. No." 

"Ok. Good." She says. "You've done this before, but just in case, I'm gonna insert the speculum and you're gonna feel a bit of discomfort but shouldn't be painful."

"Ok." 

"Watch out though. It's gonna be a bit cold." 

She does it and a shiver runs down my spine. 

"Now I'm gonna collect some samples. You shouldn't feel much." 

"Ok." 

"We're done with that part. We'll move on to the fun part now." She says. "It's a bit uncomfortable too but at least you'll get to see how your baby's doing." She smiles. "Going in now." She says. 

An image appears on the screen by the side of the table and it keeps moving but sure enough, there's a little blob on the screen and I suspect that's MY blob. My little baby. For the first time throughout this entire thing, I feel emotional and it's not fear, uncertainty, or dread. I'm genuinely happy for the first time. 

"So, that little thing right there," Dr. Sullivan says pointing at the screen. "Is your baby. Do you see it?" 

"Yeah." Both Harry and I say, but my voice quivers already and so Harry looks at me and places a kiss on my forehead when I look up at him too. 

"That baby is looking to be a healthy one. Everything looks normal." She says. 

"Can we hear a heartbeat yet?" Harry asks. 

"Yeah. I'm gonna set that right up." She says and in a second, the screen locks on a moving little thing, and I can now distinguish that it's the baby's heart and soon the sweetest sound I've ever heard fills the room. Baby's heartbeat. 

"Oh my God." I whisper and tears instantly come to my eyes spilling everywhere and as I look up to Harry, he too is absolutely crying. "We're having a baby!" I say to him. "Look at that. It's our baby."

"Yeah!!! Oh my God, Love. That's so surreal and sweet and now I can't wait." He kisses my forehead again. "We're having a baby." He repeats to me. "I love you." He places a chaste kiss on my lips and I smile quickly as the tears won't subside. 

"I love you too." 

"Can we know if it's a boy or a girl yet?" He asks after a minute of us just listening to the sound. 

"Not yet. A bit too early for that." 

"Ok." 

"So, everything is looking normal." She says again. "Officially mom and dad." My heart skips a beat. We're gonna be parents. That's terrifying and lovely at the same time. "Taylor, you can sit up now. Cover yourself. Everything is ok down here." She says as she gets up. "I'm gonna need to inspect your breasts now. Just to make sure everything is ok." 

The nurse comes with a different wand and connects it to the ultrasound machine. 

"Could you please, let your gown down past your shoulders and leave your arms loose by your side?" Dr. Sullivan asks and I nod. 

"Would you like me to go now or to turn around, love?" Harry asks before I open the gown and I frown not understanding what he means. 

"Dad, you've gotten her pregnant. I think it's safe to assume you've seen enough of her for that to happen. Calm down." Dr. Sullivan laughs and we do too. 

"Don't know. I thought I should ask." He laughs a bit and scratches the back of his head.

"It's fine, babe. You can stay." I say looking up at him and smiling. 

I let my gown down and Dr. Sullivan comes to inspect me. 

"Watch out. My hands are a bit cold too. It might be felt through the gloves." 

I nod. 

She proceeds to palp both my breasts. One at a time. 

"Ok. It's looking healthy too." She says. "Lay back. We're gonna have a sonogram for that too. To make sure nothing is wrong in fact." 

I lay back down and she picks up the gel. 

"A bit cold." She warns but still another shiver courses through my body. 

Another image pops up on the screen and this time, I can't distinguish anything in it. 

"Looking good." She says after the wand has gone through both breasts. "Everything is perfectly fine." She says. "You can cover yourself again."

She cleans up the excess of gel and gives me a bunch of tissues to clean up better so I sit up to do it.

She goes to take her gloves off and washes her hand as the nurse comes to take the rest of the pieces of equipment. 

I remain sitting to wait for her. 

"So, Taylor, you can hop off now and step into the scale right here please." She says. "we're gonna start monitoring your weight now." 

"Why?" I ask a bit insecure. 

"If you put out too much weight, that can lead to high blood pressure issues which can cause pre eclampsy. It can also cause gestational diabetes. Both of those conditions can make for a really hard delivery and I don't want that for you. Also, those are life-threatening to both you and your baby. We're looking to avoid that.

And if you don't put out enough weight, it means you're at high risk for anemia and nutritional deficiency, which can cause your baby to be malnourished. We're looking to avoid that too." 

"Oh." Fear creeps into my voice. 

"Nothing to worry about though. It is my job to control that. Your job is to eat well. Don't worry." 

"Ok." 

I step into the scale and the nurse marks down my weight and proceeds to measure me. 

"You can step down now." The nurse says. 

"Alright, you can go back and change and then come sit down so we can talk." 

Harry walks back with me to the far end of the doctor's office so I can change back into my clothes. Once I'm done, we come back to sit down and he seeks my hand to hold on to. 

"Now let's talk about how things are going. Shall we?" We nod. 

"Taylor, your blood pressure is doing ok. Which is great. Your test results should return in about 2 to 3 weeks. We're gonna have to wait on those. Your regular blood test should return in a few days though. If it shows any significant abnormalities, I'm gonna call you to ask you to set up a closer appointment. If it's not, I'm gonna let you know it's fine to wait for the other test results. Is that cool?" 

"Yeah." 

"Your breast looks fine, but both your nipples are inverted. It's not much of an issue until you try to breastfeed on those. We're gonna have to correct that, if possible." 

"Wait. How do I do that?" I ask. 

"Well, dads generally love this part." She smirks and Harry's hand involuntarily squeezes mine a bit. "The suckling motion is generally what causes the nipples to come out and stay that way. So what you need to do is to make sure to apply a bit of suckling motion to it. You can buy a milk pump and do it with it for a little while, or dad here, if you two are comfortable with it, can use his own mouth and do it for you." She says and as I look stunned, Harry looks like he's ready to drop dead. "Again, we've already established that we all know what sex is and how it works and we all know you have seen enough of each other. No need to look ready to die like that." She chuckles a bit. "Also, this is what I deal with every day so blushing is no longer a thing for me." She says. 

"Okay." I say and Harry remains silent because surely he cannot form words yet. 

"You two can discuss this at home later. You don't need to tell me which one you've decided to use." I nod again. "You are about 11 weeks in. A full-term pregnancy can go up to 42 weeks but is absolutely stable somewhere after 37 weeks. My goal is to lead you up to not deliver before that. Your baby is looking good. It's about 1.6 inches. Something like a lime." She says but Harry looks rather confused. "A Lego man. It's the size of Lego man now." 

"Ah. Ok." Harry says and we all laugh bit. 

"The date of birth is likely gonna be after June 11th next year." 

"Okay." 

"Taylor, at this point you're 5'10ft and weighing 125 pounds only. Have you been on this line for a while or is it because you were on tour?" 

"I've been under 125 pounds actually. I put out 10 pounds this last month." 

"Okay. We're gonna need to watch that and gradually put out a bit more weight to help your body handle pregnancy and also, avoid malnutrition to either you or the baby." 

"Okay." 

"We're gonna start supplying your body with vitamins needed for this pregnancy. I'm gonna print down the prescription and it already comes with all the instructions. 

Let's talk about the things you need to avoid during pregnancy. Alcohol, raw or undercooked fish, egg or meat, exotic seafood, unpasteurized milk or cheese, unwashed produce, and raw sprouts. What we're looking for here is to avoid any bacterial infection and/or toxicity for you or the baby. But what I also wanna put on this list, in case this is a thing you do, junk food is a no go." She looks at me pointedly. 

"Okay." I say. "Okay!" I repeat when she's still looking at me. 

"Drink lots and lots of water. That's gonna help you keep your body working properly. Only natural juice, please.

Now let's talk about a few things that are going to need to change. Traveling. You're gonna need to cut back on it soon." 

"Not an issue." 

"Does anyone around you smoke? If so, avoid being around them when they do. 

If you run a fever at all during this pregnancy or experience headaches or anything of the sorts, you're allowed to medicate with Tylenol. This will also be in your prescription. No ibuprofen or aspirin is allowed. Ok? 

If a fever persists for more than a day, seek medical advice. Doesn't need to be mine. Your regular physician can take care of that and will refer you back to me if needed. Always let any doctor know that you're pregnant to avoid misconception or mishandling of your case. All clear?" I nod. "You can ask questions too, dad. You're doing ok over there?" He nods and she chuckles.

"Since neither of you have asked, I'm just gonna tell you so you don't catch yourselves wondering later. Sexual intercourse can happen regularly. Just like before. Just ease back a bit if you like it too rough. 

Penetration can not hurt or even touch your baby. It's tucked safely inside its little amniotic sack and that's safe inside your uterus. It won't even know it's happening. 

Any discomfort during sex that you think is important or somehow it's happening now and it wasn't before, report back to me." 

"Okay." I say blushing like a tomato. 

"I think we covered it all." She clasps her hands on top of her desk. "You two seem a bit overwhelmed." 

"We definitely are. That was a lot." Harry says. 

"Yeah." I agree. 

"It's ok. Give it time. It'll sink in. Any more questions?" 

"I don't think so." I say and look back at Harry. 

"No. All good." He says. 

"Here's your printed prescription. Fill this in. It'll get you through your first month until your results come back for me to have a better picture of what needs to be done." She hands me the white paper in an envelope. "This is a collection of all the pictures we took of your baby today through the sonogram. You can take these home. This flash drive contains the sound of your baby's heartbeat and a little video of you two as discussed on your paperwork. We do not hold copies of this video whatsoever, so if you lose it, it's gone. Okay?" 

"Okay." 

"It was a pleasure to see you two today. We'll be seeing each other monthly so, I'll see you soon."

"See you. Thank you, Dr. Sullivan." I say as I get up to shake her hand and Harry does the same. 

We walk out of her office and leave the building through the back door just like we entered and we get in the car. 

"Holy shit. We're having a baby." I say as I look into Harry's eyes. 

"We're having a baby." He repeats smiling at me. 


	13. Nostalgia is a low blow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2/3 that will be released today in celebration of Taylor's single "Cardigan" debuting at number 1 on Hot 100 Billboard's chart. 
> 
> Any mistakes? Please, feel free to point it out and I'm sorry in advance. 
> 
> Enjoy.

The next few days go by fast and before I know it, my parents are back in town.   
  
"Did you want to stop somewhere to grab brunch or lunch?" I ask them as I drive us back from the airport.   
  
"No. I think I'll just throw in a salad at home and be done." My mom answered. "Are you coming home with us?"   
  
"I don't think so. You get some rest, I'll stop by tomorrow." I tell her.   
  
"You should come, honey. Spend some time with us." My dad insists on their behalf.  
  
"Aren't you tired though?"   
  
"Not particularly. No." She challenges.   
  
"Alright."   
  
We pull over to their house eventually and head inside.   
  
Kitty, my mother's dog, is rather happy to see her though so we have to wait for her excitement to die down before anything else.   
  
It's half past noon when I decided that I'm hungry and can't wait for whatever is gonna come out as lunch so I head into the kitchen for a snack instead.   
  
I find some pretzels that I can chew on and am quite excited about if I'm being honest. But then, unsurprisingly, I open the bad and the smell sends my stomach into a riot and next thing I know, I'm scurrying off to the bathroom.   
  
Both my parents are none the wiser, but still, that secret making itself known like that put now an uneasy little nagging thought at the back of my mind. I need to tell them.   
  
I thought I needed Harry here to tell them, but now, as I'm inclined to spill it, I feel like I truly don't want to be here when I do.   
  
I shoot him a quick text.   
  
_"Thinking about telling my mom. I can't bear to keep this much longer. What do you think?"_

  
It takes him a minute before he answers.   
  
_"Don't know tbh._  
 _Feeling rather nervous all of a sudden._  
 _You gonna tell her by yourself?"_  
  
 _"Well yeah._  
 _I'm already here anyway._  
 _Plus, don't think I need back up to tell her."_  
  
 _"Go right ahead then._  
 _But if you need me, I'll be there in a heartbeat._  
 _You know that._  
 _Right?"_  
  
 _"I know. Tks babe. I'll be ok tho."_  
  
I come out of the bathroom and back into the kitchen and my mom gives me an inquisitive look.   
  
"Went to wash my hands. Remembered I had been to the airport so..." I tell her without her asking. When she keeps on looking at me like I'm hiding something, which I am, mind you, I feel the awful need to just fill the silence again.   
  
"Harry texted. I was just letting him know everything was ok here."   
  
"I didn't say anything, honey."   
  
"Not like you need to anyway." I mumble.   
  
I sit down but make no movement to actually eat the pretzel pack I pulled out.   
  
"Aren't you gonna eat that?" She asks.   
  
"Changed my mind." I say as I put it back where I found it.   
  
"So, I'm gonna take kitty out for a walk. Anyone wanna join?" My dad, completely oblivious to the atmosphere set into his kitchen, comes to ask.   
  
"Uhm. No thanks." I say.   
  
"Not today, honey. Go on though." My mom says.   
  
We fall silent again and we both hear the door open and close per my dad's departure.   
  
"Mom?" I brave it up even though my heart feels like it's beating on my throat.   
  
"Yes, honey?" She says as she sets the rice to cook.   
  
"I need to tell you something." I say and my voice quiver already.   
  
"What, honey?" She says kindly as she now turns her full attention to me.   
  
"I don't know how to say it. Will you promise me not to get super mad?" I ask as tears already threaten to fall.   
  
"Well, what have you done?" She comes to stand across the island where I'm sitting and stares at me half smirking as if what I'm about to tell her is just a child's naughty behavior I presented with but have learned from and outgrown it on my own. She has another thing coming. It's not childish, though it does ironically involve one, I've learned from it but it will never be outgrown.  
  
"I..." One stubborn wave of fat tears falls against my best attempts to keep them at bay. I wipe them out furiously. I didn't mean to cry. But now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think that was even an option. Her demeanor changes instantly at that.  
  
"I'm pregnant." I blurt out the words that have been trapped deep into my brain and she doesn't react instantly. "Please, say something." I ask as the tears return full force and I sob out into the space between us.   
  
"Taylor..." She whispers.   
  
"I didn't mean for it to happen. It just did and I didn't know what to do, so I asked Harry to come to meet me and..." I sob out again cutting myself off halfway.   
  
"It's ok, sweetheart. It's ok. You're ok." Being now unfrozen from the initial shock of it, her motherly instinct to never want to see me cry kicks in full force and she comes around the island to hold me.   
  
"I didn't mean for it to happen." I cry out again.   
  
"I know. I know." She says. "It's ok." She whispers into my hair as she holds me against her body firmly. "Shhh. You're ok."   
  
After a while, we hear the door open and close again. My dad is back.   
  
"Kitty sprinted so fast today honey. You wouldn't believe it." He comes into the kitchen commenting until he halts mid-step once he spots me being held by mother in their kitchen island. He's known me long enough to, thank God, know when he has to back away slowly so as to not get tangled in the drama. "I'm gonna go get us all some lunch." He says already backing up.   
  
"That would be for the best." My mom says. "I'll text you." She tells him and soon afterward, he's out the door again.   
  
My cries have now died down to little sniffles and so she knows it's safe to let me go.   
  
"Are you sure yet?" She asks and I nod as she sits on the chair by my side but turning it so she can face me rather than the island.  
  
"I'm sure." I say looking at my hands in my lap.   
  
"How sure?" She asks.  
  
"I went to the doctors this week. I'm sure." I tell her.   
  
"Is it Harry's?" She asks almost afraid of the answer and my head snaps up.   
  
"Of course it is Harry's. Whose baby would it be?" I say but without snapping.   
  
"I had to ask." She appeases. "How far along are you?"   
  
"12 weeks." I mumble.   
  
"Ok." She rests her head on her hands as she covers her face. "Ok." She repeats. "Have you decided what you're gonna do?" She asks but already knowing the answer.   
  
"I'll keep it." I whisper and my hand rests on top of my stomach. Surely the motion not being lost on my mom.   
  
"Are you... Is it healthy?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Ok. Good." Silence.  
  
"What are you two planning on doing now?" She asks with no menace in her voice.   
  
"Don't know yet. But he promised to stay." I told her.   
  
"We're gonna need to sit down to discuss this."  
  
"We know." I sigh. "I just wanted to tell you first by myself rather than have him here as I do. I will wait a couple of days to work up the courage to tell Dad and after that, we'll set up to meet and talk."   
  
"Are you okay?" She asks softly.   
  
"Yeah." I lean into her and she holds me once again. "Scared as hell. Confused some. Kinda worried. But yeah."   
  
"I love you "   
  
"I love you too, mom."   
  
She held me like that for a while with the only sound around us coming from the fridge and both our breathing.   
  
After a while, she texted my dad letting him know it was safe to come home.   
  
He arrived in five minutes with bags of take out for lunch. Smiled fondly at me to give me the chance to say anything if I needed, but getting just a smile in return since I wasn't ready to face that whole thing again, he moved on.   
  
I arrive home later that night and Harry is fast asleep in my bed.   
  
I get rid of the clothes I was wearing and change into a pajama set after showering quickly and quietly.   
  
I climb into bed as he seemed undisturbed by my presence and I snuggle close to him.   
He's lying on his stomach with his arms folded above his head.  
  
Normally, I'd either leave him alone entirely and I'd go be somewhere else, or I'd lay beside him quietly and head to sleep too.   
  
But today has been hard and emotionally draining and I need comfort and warmth and understanding, so I inch closer to him. He doesn't stir as I press my body into his.   
  
It's only when I lift his arm to hide my head underneath it that he stirs and opens his eyes to look at me.

  
  
He probably senses immediately that something is off because he doesn't motion to lift his arm off of me to hug or kiss me nor does he move in any other way. Instead, he lets me accommodate myself by his side and settle down.   
He remains silent waiting for any indication that I wanted to talk. I didn't yet, so I don't give him the impression that I do.   
  
A weird feeling sets on my stomach and I feel my chest tighten. A wave of new sobs that I didn't know I was holding comes unannounced and wrecks my body and is released in the tiny space between us.   
  
His hand comes to caress my hair and sort of hold me while no longer covering my face. I still don't want to talk about it, so I hide my face a bit further down while nuzzling his neck and he turns on his side to give me a better angle. His other arm encircles me too while I'm once again adjusting to him and he doesn't say a word. Instead, he lets me hide and sob like there's no tomorrow.   
  
Eventually, it's back to just sniffles and hiccups. His hands are still caressing me softly while his lips place random kisses over my hair.   
  
"I told my mom today." I say with my voice hoarse from crying.   
  
"Was she mad?" He asks.   
  
"No. Just rather surprised. But it was hard still."   
  
"Did you tell your dad too?"   
  
"No. Just mom."   
  
"Are you ok? All things considered." He asks tentatively.   
  
"I guess so. Just that I felt like I was sort of holding this inside waiting to be released. I don't know. I think it's just... I think it just felt like we're the same. You and I. We're in this together so it's likely that you'll understand it better, maybe. I don't know."   
  
"I get it, love. I'm glad I can be here for you. I promise I'm not going anywhere. You can always fall back on me. I'll always catch you."   
  
"I know. Thank you."   
  
He places a gentle kiss on my hair again and one on my lips.   
  
"They'll still want to talk to us though. Can we see to do that soon?" I ask.   
  
"Absolutely. I have a few things coming up in LA upcoming week and then there's Christmas. Do you think we can set it up to fit somewhere between that?"   
  
"Maybe. If not, we can wait to talk to them next year. Maybe after new years?"  
  
"Okay. Whatever you want."  
  
"Okay." I sigh and he pulls me closer. Holding me tight, I fall into sleep.   
  
A few days go by before I work up the courage to tell my dad.   
  
Harry is off to LA and so I have the perfect opportunity to spill it without excluding him.  
  
"Dad?" I ask and he's out in the garden.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I was wondering if you'd have a minute to talk a bit."   
  
"Sure, honey."   
  
He comes towards the small table near the garden and we both sit down.   
  
"Is something wrong?"   
  
"Not exactly. I just have some news." I tell him.   
  
"Alright, shoot." He says excitedly.   
  
"Uhmm. So, back at the beginning of this month I suspected something so I kept it a bit, but now that it's confirmed, it's time you know."   
  
"O-kay." He says calmly and smiling a bit.   
  
"I'm... I'm pregnant." I tell him quickly.   
  
Silence falls over us. I dare to look up a second and he's staring at me, half expecting me to say it's a joke and tell him something else instead.   
  
"Are you kidding me?" He asks after a few moments of silence.   
  
"Not at all." I tell him.   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Taylor... What the hell? Your life. Your career." He says. Far from being mad, just surprised.   
  
"I know. Okay? I know all that." I tell him.   
  
"Honey, did you plan it?"   
  
"No. It just happened." I say.   
  
"Tay..." He sighs. "Are you okay?"   
  
"Yeah." I sigh.   
  
"Are you happy?"   
  
"I want to be." I tell him.   
  
"But are you happy?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"That's all I want for you." He says as he opens his arms by my side and I fall into then contently.   
  
His eyes are teary and his heart is pounding underneath my ear, but all in all, I know that he'll support me through this.   
  
"How far along are you?"   
  
"Almost 13 weeks. That's about 3 months." I say a bit excited.   
  
"Good. Good." He smiles and runs his hand up and down my back. "So, is Harry gonna stay with you?"   
  
"He said so. Yeah."   
  
"He better." He threatens.   
  
"You can almost convince someone with that tone. Key word being almost." I laugh a bit through the tears and he does too.   
  
I feel like a thousand pounds were just lifted off my back now.   
  
Harry comes back for about two days before he has to take off to go spend Christmas with his family.   
  
I decided to hold off on that talk until he returned rather than doing it in a hurry. Instead, we just appreciate each other and talk about the future and plans for when the baby comes.   
  
I decide to stay with my parents, for the rest of the week after Harry leaves, until after Christmas since it was rather pointless to go home anyway.   
  
My brother is coming for it and yet another moment of facing reality heads my way.   
  
Harry leaves by December 19th.  
  
By December 20th, Dr. Sullivan calls to let me know it's fine to wait a bit for the other tests to return and she sets up another appointment for January 11th.   
  
On the 23rd of December, Austin arrived to stay for Christmas.   
  
"Dude, mom and dad are a bit weird. Did they tell you anything?" He asks on the first night as he lays on my bed after dinner.   
  
"No. Not really. I think they're just tired." I play it off as I'm still staring at my phone.  
  
"We're they fighting?"  
  
"I don't think so." I say.   
  
"Dude." He slaps my phone off my hand. "Pay attention." He demands.   
  
"The way that you're lucky I'm too full to move to hit you, child." I tell him.   
  
"Seriously. Were they fighting or anything?"  
  
"There's nothing wrong with them, Austin. They're fine." I say and he sighs.   
  
"What, are you blind?" He asks.   
  
"No. I'm tired. It's what I am." I kick him a bit.   
  
"I swear. You are insufferable some days." He chuckles.  
  
"Dude. Just trust me. There's nothing wrong with them. I promise."   
  
"If you say so." He sighs.   
  
"Go away. I need to get some sleep." I tell him.   
  
"Sleep my ass. You want to call up your boyfriend. Guess what? Ain't happening. I just got here and it's the rule that you stick with me instead."   
  
"Fine. Let's go watch a movie then otherwise, I swear, I'm gonna doze off on you. You have no idea."   
  
"Fine." He says. "I get to pick though."   
  
"No. I pick." I challenge.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Seniority rules."   
  
"You picked last year. We're not watching Love, Actually again."   
  
"Monsters Inc." I say.   
  
"Damn it. I wanted to go against you but now I can't." He smiles and I do too.   
  
I would've gone for any movie he wanted but he didn't have to know that.   
I was just glad for the distraction while I built up the courage to tell him.   
I fall asleep to the movie still playing and next thing I know, Austin is not so gently shaking me awake.   
  
"Taffy?" He asks to a whisper. "Wake up. Let's go to bed. I'm not carrying you." He says.   
  
"I'll sleep here." I mumble.   
  
"Sure. So mom can kick my ass in the morning for letting you though it was your decision? No thank you." He says pulling me by the arms. "Come on." He says and I relent.   
  
The next morning I wake up to laughter coming from the kitchen. It's my dad and Austin, I come to realize. Since my mom isn't yet awake yet, I can sleep for another hour, I decide.   
  
A knock on my door pulls me from my peaceful slumber.   
  
My mom pops her head inside.   
  
"Are you feeling ok?" She asks.   
  
"Yeah. Why? Good morning."   
  
"It's 1 pm now." She says laughing a bit.   
  
"What?" I sit up suddenly.   
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Wow." I rub my eyes.   
  
"Have you been feeling ok?"   
  
"Yeah. I don't know what came on to me."   
  
"I do." She smirks and I roll my eyes playfully. "Want some lunch?"   
  
"Uhm. Can I have a snack instead? I don't think I can hold that much. Maybe a sandwich."   
  
"Cheese and tomato?" She asks and my eyes shine with the smile.   
  
"You know it."   
  
"Got you. Get up soon though."   
  
"I'll be right down." I tell her.   
  
After lunch, I hang around the house thinking of ways I can come up to tell Austin about this baby. He won't judge and won't be mad either. It doesn't change his life much and we both know it. Still, it's not an easy task to tell him.   
  
"You look like you could use a swim. He says coming up to me as I sit at the deck."   
  
"Austin. No." I say seriously.   
  
"Drop anything that can be ruined now or it'll get ruined." He threatens.   
  
"I mean it." I tell him. "I'm not even wearing a swimsuit and that water is likely freezing!"   
  
"As if that would stop me." He smirks. "Put that phone down now."   
  
"I'll scream and dad's gonna be mad." I threatened him too.   
  
"I mean, it'll be worth it." He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder and carries me towards the backyard pool with me kicking and screaming.   
  
Both my parents are of no use to help.   
  
"Be gentle Austin. Don't let her belly flop." My dad ordered.   
  
"I thought you were on my side!" I scream at him.   
  
"Can't fight them? Join them, honey."   
  
I let out a huff and I know it's a lost cause to fight it now.   
  
I brace myself to the fall that is bound to come and try as hard as I can to not belly flop the water.   
  
Once he tosses me out onto the water, which is rather cold, Austin jumps in after me and we play water gun fight for a while until I grow tired of that and I sit on the floating swan.   
  
"When are you planning on leaving?" He asks. "What's next?"   
  
"I don't know yet. I'm gonna hang out and figure some stuff out before I know any of that though."   
  
"What is there to figure out weirdo? You just pulled like the most successful tour ever. What are you even on about?"   
  
"You'd be surprised." I smile. I almost tell him but then, my mom calls us out of the pool for fear of us catching a cold and dad comes out with drinks for us and I lose my nerve.   
  
Night comes and what better than Christmas Eve to break the news down to him.   
  
"Austin?"   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Come here. Wanna show you something." I say as I walk to the back door.   
  
I can't find the best time to tell him and the words just won't come out.  
  
Amidst his words of "Dude, what did you wanna show me?" I stop dead on my tracks.   
  
"What?" He asks looking back. Neither of us had a coat on. Just large long-sleeved shirts.   
  
"This time next year we'll have another member in this family." I say looking up at him.   
  
"What? You're planning on marrying Harry?" I shake my head.   
  
"I sure as hell won't be marrying anyone from here to next year." He laughs.   
  
"I'm serious." I say.   
  
"What? Another cat?"   
  
"Not a cat. Me." I say and he tilts his head confused. "I'm pregnant." I say and he smiles and steps closer. "This time next year I'll have a six months old baby." I tell him with tears threatening to fall.   
  
"Seriously?" He asks.   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Dude. Hope it looks like me." He laughs and puts his arms around me. "It'd be the utter revenge plot twist. Your kid looking like me so it'd haunt you even in your dreams." He laughs.   
  
"I sure hope not." I say.   
  
"Is that why mom and dad were being weird?" I nod.   
  
"I guess I'm not their perfect little girl anymore." I laugh but the tears fall giving away my real feelings.   
  
"Who cares about that anyway?" He squeezes my shoulder a bit. "Mess up enough times and they won't even care anymore." He says.   
  
"Easy for you to say."   
  
"I learned that early on." He laughed.   
  
"Seriously though. Congratulations, Tay. I'm happy for you." He says as he turns to kiss my cheek.  
  
"It's the first one I've got." I say as I break down. "Thank you." He holds me a second before he lets me go and we go back to just walking through the moist ground of my parent's backyard.   
  
"Where's Harry?" He asks.   
  
"With his family." I say. "I don't think we were ready to have a Christmas together just us, let alone join our families."   
  
"Probably for the best." He says. "I'll punch him when I see him." He says matter-of-factly and I laugh. "what? I will." He defends.   
  
"You're just like that. Could almost convince someone with that tone. Key word being almost." He shoves me and we both laugh.   
  
"Are you ok? With it all?" He asks as we are about to head inside.   
  
"Yeah." I say.   
  
"Cool." He turns the handle. "Dibbles on choosing the movie tonight. It'll be The avengers!" He screams as he runs inside.   
  
We end up watching The incredible because "Damn it, Taylor. Nostalgia is a low blow."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very much a visual person but I don't know how that is for others.   
> So, please let me know: Image or no image? 
> 
> Thanks! :)


	14. New Year, New fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 3/3 that will be released today in celebration of Cardigan's #1 debut. 
> 
> Folklore remains being an amazing album. Go give it a listen. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Christmas is a rather long affair.   
Don't get me wrong. It's my favorite holiday but waking up at 7 am as a tradition to exchange presents as a family, it takes forever to pass time.   
  
My mother is relentless this time at mealtime and that almost gets us all in trouble.   
  
As she forces us to sit down to eat, the baby decides to make itself acknowledged.   
My stomach lurches at the sight of coffee freshly made.   
  
Not having thrown up in at least 4 days, I thought we were in the clear, but apparently, not.   
  
I run towards the nearest bathroom and I make it just in time to reach the toilet but I trip a bit and my knee takes a bit of a force as I'm falling. Still, I made it so I'll take that.   
  
In my rush to get away from the source of my discomfort and get to the bathroom in time, I have no time to close the door behind me.   
  
Once I finish it, flush and freshen up a bit, I come back to the table to find everyone else looking a bit greenish too.   
  
"We don't claim you for this family anymore. Walk away now." My brother says and it seems to break the weird vibe left by my vomiting.   
  
"What made you sick honey?" My mother asks.   
  
"I think it's the coffee."   
  
"Oh shut up." My brother interjects again. "Seriously, we don't claim you. Out." He points at the door and I throw a piece of my cracker at him.   
  
"Shut up." Everyone laughs and my mom makes sure to take it away from me.   
  
Things went a bit better after that but that day, morning sickness became all day long sickness.   
  
Lucky 13 I guess.   
  
The next few days go by in a blur before Austin is leaving on December 27th and I'm back at my own home with just the cats and Harry and I FaceTime just to see each other a bit.   
  
The next day he informs me that he's decided that he wants to stay in his hometown for a little bit longer to pass through New year's with his friends and family rather than coming here to no party.   
  
It pisses me off that he made that decision without me.   
  
I mean he did ask me to come too but that's beside the point.   
  
"Are you going to come?"   
  
He texts me and all I want is to scream at him but decide to keep my cool instead. He was never mine to keep and I knew it from the start.   
  
"No."   
  
I answer shortly.  
  
"Why?"   
  
"I have some stuff to figure out."  
  
"What stuff?"   
  
"Personal. Jesus. Just go have your party with your friends. It's fine."   
  
"I was just wondering if it was baby-related. Jeez. Calm down, darling."   
  
"Fuck off. It isn't. Baby's fine."   
  
I tell him and now he knows this is a fight.   
  
"Do you want me to come to stay with you? I will. You know I will."   
  
"No. It's ok."   
  
"You don't sound ok. Can I call you?"   
  
"No. It's fine. I'm ok. Just got a lot in mind."   
  
"You said I could stay here."   
  
"Am I saying otherwise now?"   
  
"Tay"   
  
"Harry. It's fine.  
I gotta go now."   
  
"See you soon."   
  
  
I put the phone down and turn on my side. All-day sickness is kicking my ass and I don't feel so good nor do I have the energy to feel much at all.   
  
I fall back to sleep though it's still the middle of the afternoon. It's not like there's anyone here to judge me for it.   
  
The next 2 days follow up blending together. I now suspect this might not be baby sickness, but a bug or something. I feel horrible and tired.   
  
It's now December 30th and I feel like I just got run over.   
As if reading my mind, the phone rings, and one quick glance to the screen, I know it's my mom.  
  
"Mom?" I ask as I pick up on the second ring.   
  
"Hi, honey. How are you doing? You've been awfully quiet these days. Just wanted to check in."  
  
"Not great, actually." I say into the phone.   
  
"What's wrong?" She sounds worried.   
  
"I think I caught a stomach bug or something."  
  
"Oh, honey."  
  
"I just don't feel well. I don't know. It's probably nothing."   
  
"Do you want me to come over?"   
  
"No. It's ok. I'm gonna be fine."   
  
"Sure?"  
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Honey, I think it's for the best if I come over a bit. Maybe cook you something?"   
  
"I already ate, mom. It's ok." I lie.   
  
"Then I'll keep you some company. I'll be there in a few." She says before I can say anything else and hangs up.   
  
Before I know it, she rings the bell and I get up to open the door for her.   
  
"Taylor!!!" She exclaimed upon seeing me. "Why didn't you call me?" She asks.   
  
"I didn't want to bother you with what I thought was morning sickness." I say.   
  
"Go shower. We're gonna go see a doctor."   
  
"Mom..."   
  
"No. Don't even. You look pale as a ghost."   
  
With that, I turn on my heels and head to shower.   
  
With clean hair and clean clothes and some air into the house, I almost feel better. But the weird heavy feeling on my stomach doesn't let up so I follow through and head to the doctors with my mom.   
  
It's nothing really. Likely a stomach virus or bacteria. We don't really want those messing me up though, so a round of antibiotics is prescribed and filled in.   
  
I start them that night with hopes of feeling better soon, but knowing full well I might as well not.   
  
New year's eve comes and goes with me stuck in bed feeling miserable.   
  
January 2rd rolls around and I'm finally feeling a bit better.   
  
Aside from regular pleasantries on New year's day, Harry and I haven't talked much but I'm due to meet him in London to talk to his mom about us.   
  
So I pack up and head out, leaving my cats with my parents on the way there.   
  
When I land in London it's night already so I feel half protected by the darkness of the time and people's rush to get home rather than pay close attention to their surroundings in their tired state.   
  
I ring Harry's bell and hear his feet running to get the door. I wait patiently.   
  
"Hi, love." He says opening the door. "Did you have a nice flight?" I nod. "Good."   
  
He helps me with my baggage and we both walk into his flat.   
  
"Would you like anything to drink?"   
  
"Water, please."   
  
The way we're treating each other makes us look like nothing more than virtual strangers, though at this point, I suspect we know more about each other than anyone ever could.   
  
"Were you sick on the way here?" He asks carefully.   
  
"No. I was sick a few days ago back at home." I say nonchalantly.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"I caught a stomach bug."   
  
"And you didn't tell me?" He furrows his brows.   
  
"Why would I?" I challenge.   
  
"I don't know. Because maybe that's the kind of thing we should share with the other?" He says and I can hear the sarcasm. He's mad now.   
  
"I didn't think it was necessary. It's not like you were there anyway."   
  
"I could've been there. I asked and you said no!"   
  
"You asked AFTER you made plans to stay here."   
  
"Same thing."   
  
"No. Trust me. It isn't. It isn't the same thing."   
  
"You could've been honest with me. Had you told me you weren't feeling well, I'd be on the next plane out."   
  
"And have you resent me over passing up your party to stick up with me, a stupid pregnant girl who was throwing up every 15 minutes? No thank you."   
  
"I wouldn't resent you and you know it."   
  
"I don't know anything, Harry!" I raised my voice a bit.  
  
"You don't know?"   
  
"I don't know." I repeat.   
  
"I thought we had worked through that, Taylor."   
  
"Did we though? Or did you just played me with your sweet words and lulled me into believing you?"   
  
"What the hell, Taylor?"   
  
"It's been almost 15 days since we last saw each other, Harry. Still, you called me up like 5 times. Maybe 6. And shot me what? A couple dozen texts?" I ask bitterly.   
  
"That's not fair."   
  
"I don't know anything. Especially, I don't know how to be something you miss." I say as tears threaten to fall. "I can absolutely turn inside out from how much I miss you when you're not there, but you? I have no idea." I say.   
  
"That's not fair. You don't get to tell me how I feel. You don't know how much I missed you."   
  
"From all the indication you gave me, you didn't miss me at all."   
  
"Oh yeah. Because I'm just the fuck buddy, right? I don't have feelings at all. Just a toy for you to play with. Sure. Let's call things for what they are now, shall we?" He asks sarcastically.   
  
"For what they are? Sure. Pity. Obligation. Fear. Flight risk. That's what they are."   
  
"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not going anywhere and I'm not staying with you out of any obligations? Bloody hell!!!"   
  
"You keep saying those words with your lips but from a mile away, your actions will speak louder than that."   
  
"Do you even want to be with me?" He asks defeated.   
  
"Do I want..." I repeat. "You know what? I'm tired from my flight here and what I want is to go to bed." I tell him as I turn around and head to his bedroom.   
  
I shower quickly in his bathroom and get under his covers before he can come back to talk more. I don't think I'm stable enough to do that right now, so instead, I lie down and plan on pretending to be asleep when he comes in next.   
  
After about a half-hour he comes in and I hear the faint whisper of my name coming from his lips in the dark.   
I don't respond.   
He's been clueless and I've been unfair so it's best if tonight we leave it at that.   
  
"I never meant to hurt you. You know?" He waits for an answer but it doesn't come. "I just thought we have so much to figure it out and with this baby coming, I won't want to be away anymore so I thought I should spend some time with my friends and family before this whole big change." He says again laying down a bit away from me. "I know you're awake. Your breathing sounds different when you're asleep." He States and sighs. "we don't have to talk. It's fine. We'll figure this out tomorrow." He gets up and heads out to shower. I don't stay up to see him return.   
  
Next morning I wake up to my stomach acting out. "Damn it." I think to myself.   
As I'm about to get up to go to the bathroom, my stomach squeezes every single drop of bile out into my mouth and I try to get up in time to reach the bathroom.   
  
This time, I'm not as successful as I was at Christmas. I don't make it to the bathroom. Instead, I get tangled up on the bedsheets and in my fall, went full exorcist all over his bedroom floor.   
  
He comes running and opens the door as he heard a loud thud.   
  
"Are you o-" He realizes what happened. "Oh." He says.   
  
"I'm so sorry, Harry. I'm so sorry. It just came on so suddenly and strong and I didn't have control over it. I'm so sorry." I say already getting emotional.   
  
"It's okay, love. Are you okay?"   
  
"I'll clean it up." I offer as he comes to stand by my side to help me up.   
  
"It's fine. Nonsense. Are you okay?" I nod.   
  
It's a hardwood floor, so I'm half thankful for that. But also, now the room reeks and I truly hope there were no cracks on the woods to allow that to get under the wood boards.   
  
"I'll go grab a bucket. Are you okay on your own?" My mind instantly goes to a sarcastic answer about being alone on New year's but I realize that's unfair so I just nod.   
  
He comes back with a bucket of water, soap and disinfectant. He makes quick work of cleaning things up and once he's done, he puts some disinfectant on the floor to let it dry and sprays something on the air.   
  
"Maybe I should open the windows?"   
  
"Sure." I say.   
  
"Want some breakfast?"   
  
"Not the best idea after the stunt I just pulled."   
  
"It's pancakes. Blueberry or chocolate chip." He teases.   
  
"I'm sorry about last night. That was unfair." I blurt out.   
  
"I'm sorry I wasn't there on new year's day. I truly didn't think it'd hurt you or else, I wouldn't have stayed here."   
  
"I know."   
  
"Do you though?" He sits down in bed in front of me. Our knees touching. "Because you say that and I believe you and then you pull something like this out. Do you know?"   
  
"I know. I was just miserable." I sigh.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
"Yeah. I think I hurled it all out at once."   
  
"I meant emotionally but it's good to know that too." He adjusts and pulls me to his body while chuckling a bit.   
  
"I'm okay that way too. I just hate that I'm this emotional over everything and anything." He pressed his lips to my forehead.   
  
"I'm sorry I threw up on your bedroom floor." I say.   
  
"It's fine, love." He squeezes me a bit.   
  
"I do wanna be with you, you know?" I say.   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"Last night you asked that. I do. I wanna be with you and I'm sorry I haven't made that clear or maybe made you think otherwise."   
  
"I'm here for the long run, love. Come hell and rain, I'll be here. Okay? I'm sorry I haven't made that abundantly clear to you."   
  
A bit of silence falls onto us but soon Harry breaks it.   
  
"This room reeks a bit, love. Let's go." He pulls me up and guilt is all over my face. "No. It's fine. It'll go away. I'm just saying we should leave it a while." He says.   
  
Breakfast is a whole lot calmer of a deal. Harry eats like there's no tomorrow. But I can't stomach much, so one pancake and a glass of orange juice are enough for me.   
  
Next thing we know, we've driven all the way up to his family's house and we are now waiting for his mom to answer the door.   
  
We're about to spend three days trapped in a house with his mother who may very well hate me at this point. I mean, what's keeping her? Nothing, I suppose.   
I just hope to be proven wrong.   
  
  
  
  
  
  



	15. Proven wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the lovely comments under this story.   
> You have no idea how happy that actually makes me. 
> 
> Here's another chapter for this whole ride.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it!!!

And be proven wrong I was. 

"Taylor!!!" Anne squealed upon landing eyes on me. "So good to see you." She says as her arms entangle me tightly. 

"You too ma'am." I say as I, stunned on my spot, hug her back. 

"How have you been?" She asks letting me go a bit. "Let me look at that cute face of yours, darling." She touched my face lovingly as if I was one of her own. "How have you been, love?"

"Good, ma'am. I've been good. How have you been?" 

"Good. Good." She smiles as her eyes stare into mine a second longer. "It's really good to see you." She says as she hugs me quickly again. 

"Hi, Mum." Harry says as she lets me go ushering me inside. 

"Hi, son. Twice in a month? Can't say I'm not surprised. Are you dying?" She jokes and hugs him. 

"Just wanted to bring Taylor back a bit. She was unable to attend the New year's party." 

"I'm glad you did." She says. "Go inside with her. You two must be freezing." 

We walk inside and we take our winter boots and coats by the mudroom and walk inside after her. She's such a lovely lady I'm scared to break her heart with the news that her baby made a baby of his own. I almost throw up at the thought, but I carry on as if it isn't happening. 

"I've made you two some cookies. Harry said you two were coming early morning though, so tea has gone cold by now. I'll make you a new one. Hang on a bit, will you?" We both nod. 

"We had a bit of an accident at the apartment this morning." I say looking up at him quietly. "I apologize for the delay." 

"Nonsense. I was just excited that two were coming." She said warmly. "Everything ok though?" She looks back at me. 

"Yes, ma'am. All good." I smile.

"Good."

"Where's Robin, mom?" Harry asks as soon as we fall silent.

"He's gone off to visit Mike."

"Is he coming back soon? I was hoping he'd get to see Taylor while we're here."

"I don't think so, love. He's probably gonna be there for about 2 weeks. Mike is moving and he went out there to help."

Harry nods his head and quickly glances at me and I look down. A strange feeling setting in my stomach.

"So, Taylor, Harry tells me you're done with your tour too?"

"Yes ma'am. Finished it back in December." 

"Wasn't it your birthday then?" 

"Yes ma'am. The 13th." I say smiling fondly at the fact that she somehow remembered despite the fact that officially, I dated her son for just a few months. 

"Did you have a good one?" 

"I did. Yeah. The best." 

"I'm glad, love." She says and the water is finally ready for the tea to be made. 

As she pours them into the cups and hands them over, I realize they smell different than anything I've ever tasted before and I don't actually know what that tea is. 

"Mom, isn't this the one that people use to like have labors and stuff like that?" Harry says placing his hand on my thigh. 

"No honey. That's a different one." 

"Oh. Ok. Failed trivia I guess." He smiles.

"This is wonderful, ma'am." I say and she smiles at me.

"Thank you, love." She smiles again. 

The rest of the pre lunch tea goes mostly in silence, safe for a few remarks of banter between Harry and his mom that sometimes include me. 

At lunch though, my stomach drops. She has decided to cook fish, which she knows I happen to love. At the moment, whatsoever, the smell of it can't be tolerated. It sends my stomach into a riot as soon as it's set on the table to be seasoned. 

I had volunteered to help her though, so now I can't back out but I also can't stay right next to it for much longer. 

Anne goes about her business completely unaware of the turmoil going on inside me. 

I wave Harry over quickly when she isn't looking and point at the fish in the bowl and look at him expectantly. 

"Mom?" He says looking at me with his big green eyes and for a second I'm scared he's just gonna blur it out to her right there. 

"Yes?" 

"Can we not have fish today?" 

"Why? I picked it out just for your guys." She says and I feel like I'm about to pass out. Leave it to my own luck to have something like this happening.

"It's just that I miss your chicken with potato roast." He looks at me and I nod slightly to let him know it was a good choice. "Can we have that instead?" 

"But Taylor loves fish. Right, honey?" 

"Yes, Ma'am, but it's okay. I love chicken too." I smile politely. 

"I'll make that tomorrow, honey." She states and I lose all color on my face. 

"Mum, please??? You can make the chicken today and fish tomorrow." He begs for my sake. "Please? I'll even help chop the potatoes if you want?" He smiles and she caves to my utter relief. 

"Fine." She dries her hands out and goes back to the fridge to pick up the chicken. "Taylor, love. Are you okay? Looking a bit pale over there." 

"Yes, ma'am. All good." I say smiling up to her. 

"Alright. Good. But no more ma'am, okay? Just Anne." I nod. 

Lunch is a whole different deal.   
Lots of chatter and laughing and stories being told. Very cheerful. Throughout the whole thing though, I just feel like a dead man walking.

"You're awfully quiet there, honey. Either you changed a lot since I last saw you or something is up with you. What is it?" Anne asks me as I go to place the plates over at the sink. 

"Nothing wrong, ma'am-" She clears her throat. "um. Anne. Just a bit tired, I guess. Didn't rest enough last night."

"Did you get here late?" 

"A bit, yeah."

"Oh. Poor thing. You can go take a nap if you want, honey." 

"No ma'am-" 

"Anne!" She corrects. 

"Anne. I'll be ok." I smile and she nods. 

"Just make yourself at home, honey. Ok?"

"Thank you." I say and she smiles. 

After helping set everything away, I offer to do the dishes and Harry takes his mom off to the back porch. I'm aware he's gonna tell her and that makes me even more nervous than I was before. 

"Harry, you're gonna get the entire house colder. Close the door." I hear her squealing again. "What is so important that you need to tell me right this instant?" She sighs. 

"Mum, just come sit down with me for a second, ok?" 

"Fine."

I make myself as busy as I can because honestly, I just wanna run.   
I'm terrified she's gonna hate me or something. 

No matter how busy I make myself though, I'm too nervous and his walls are paper thin so there's literally no way to not hear them.

"I love her, mum. I truly do."

"Does she love you the same way?"

"She does." 

"I'm terrified you're gonna break each other's hearts again, love." She says. "I like her a lot. I do. But I love you and I'll always take your side." She says and my stomach drops. 

"There are no sides to take anymore, mum." He says and his voice breaks. 

"What's wrong, love? Do you think I won't love her just the same if you say I should? I will. I do." She remedies. 

"This isn't about that, mum." He says. "Remember when I was little? God, I miss that. Things were much simpler than this." 

"What's so complicated now?" 

"She's terrified, mum. Promise me to not freak out on her? Promise me you'll remember this is my doing too?" 

"What? Did you marry her and didn't invite me?" She chuckles. 

"Taylor is pregnant, mum." He says and then silence. 

Not a single word for about 2 or 3 minutes and already a couple of tears are falling from my eyes. 

"Is there a plan in place?" I hear Anne ask. 

"We'll keep it and try like hell to give it the best life it can possibly have." 

"Are you two gonna stay together still or you brought her here just to tell me this?" 

"We're gonna stay together." 

"Good. Are you happy?" 

"I wanna be." 

"Is she happy?" 

"She's not yet thinking much ahead, mum. She's focused on telling both our parents first. She's a nervous wreck and terrified." I hear him saying and still some tears are in his voice. 

"I guess that's to be expected. What is she afraid of?" 

"She thinks you'll hate her." He chuckles. "You won't, right?" He asks when she doesn't say anything back. 

"Why would I hate her, Hazz? She's a beautiful young woman and a delight to have around." 

"But she's also having your son's baby." 

"My son, who's an adult now? I'm aware." 

"She's just scared, mum." 

"My one question is what the hell have you been telling her about me that she's actually scared I'm gonna hate her?" She chuckles. 

"Nothing, really. She's just projecting her own fears. In her defense, I still think her dad will gauge my eyes out with a guitar pick. So I guess we're both projecting a bit." He says and I sense some anxiety. 

"I heard he's a nice man. Did you guys not tell him yet?" 

"She did but we're set to meet up for a conversation when we get back." 

"He's likely going to threaten you a bit. Nothing major." She chuckles. "Are you ok with all this?" 

"Yeah." He says. "I truly love her and this baby changes none of that." 

"Then I'm glad. I'm happy for you." She says. "Now let's head back to ease some of her worries too." 

"Go easy on her, ok?" He says right before I hear the door again. 

When they come back, both Harry and Anne are definitely crying a bit still and that makes my insides tighten like someone is squeezing me.

I have finished cleaning up the dishes and am now nursing a glass of water between both my hands on the counter. My eyes fill up with tears again as she comes marching my way. 

She wraps her arms around me and this time she cradles my head into her as if I was a child. Her hand rubs my back up and down and that gets me undone. 

In a relieved manner, I let out a strangled sob into her sweater and she squeezes me a bit tighter against her chest as my body shakes. 

"Oh, chicken." She sighs into my hair. "you're okay. It's okay." She says rubbing my back. "You're gonna be okay. This is gonna change a lot of things for both of you, but it'll be okay." She says calmly. 

"I'm so sorry." I say into her and a series of sobs come out following the words. 

"You've got nothing to be sorry about!" She chastised. 

"But it's m-my fault." I cry into her.

"We all know there's blame to share here. One can't do this on their own. You're absolutely ok." The sobs wracking my body leave no space for me to respond to that.

"You're a good girl and this doesn't change that. It isn't a bad thing. Not on my books anyway. Soon it won't be in yours either." She says and I sob harder at that. "It's ok." 

"Tay, drink some water. You're gonna work yourself up to be sick." Harry tells me gently rubbing my back too.

I turn slightly to drink some of the water he's offering. 

After a few minutes of her holding me, I manage to calm down enough for her to let me go. 

"Is that why the color drained from your face when you saw that fish?" She asked while she cleaned up her face with a paper towel. 

"Yeah. A bit of a bad time with sickness. Fish and coffee seem to trigger it." I say. 

"So we won't be having fish tomorrow either." She jokes. 

"I'm afraid not ma'am." 

"What did I say? No ma'am. Anne." We all laugh at that. "Was the accident this morning related to this?"

"Yeah. Morning sickness has been ruthless."

"Poor thing. How far along are you?"

"13 weeks."

"Oh. So you're out of the first trimester?"

"Yeah."

"How long... How long have you known?" Anne asks Harry.

"Mum." He warns and instantly, a deep feeling of uneasiness sets inside my stomach. 

"None of my business." She shakes her head and her smile is back. "I was just wondering."

"3 weeks." I tell her. "It went undetected from the start. I found out on my birthday. Harry too."

"Oh. So it's fairly new to you guys too." She says and I nod. "God, I'm gonna have a grandbaby." She says mostly to herself. "Surreal." She smiles. "Listen. I know he has made that plenty known, but I just wanted to reassure you. Harry's gonna stay. Okay? I don't know how things are gonna go with you two, but this baby is going to have a daddy. He's not going anywhere. Okay?" I nod. 

"I know." I say as I look at him behind her and we share a timid smile. 

We all move to the couch and after a while of just talking and storytelling, we resort to watching a movie.

'Just go with it' is the choice. Anne made the decision before Harry could suggest any of the Die Hard movies. 

Halfway through it, I feel myself gently slipping into sleep only to be jerked awake by a surge of adrenaline on my body. 

"Are you okay?" Harry, who's sitting behind me and supporting all my weight, asks. 

"Yeah." I say. "That weird feeling we get when we're falling in our sleep."

"Wanna go to bed?" 

"No. It's okay." 

"Mum went to make dinner." He says and I look back to the other couch she had previously been laying on. 

"I should go help her." 

"She said not to let you into her kitchen." 

"Why?" I ask apprehensively.

"Cause she needed to handle that fish from earlier. She's salting it I think, to preserve it." He says and I scrunch up my nose. 

We continue to watch the movie and Anne comes back into the room. 

"How about some soup. It's winter... We're all here. It's nighttime." She sing-songs. 

"I'm game." Harry says and they both look at me. 

"I actually have a bit of a headache behind my eyes. Can I have some tea and crackers and call it a night?" I ask sheepishly. 

"Sure, Chicken." She says. "Is there a medicine you were advised to take?" 

"Yeah. But I think this is from crying so I just need some sleep to make it better." 

"Okay." She says. "I'll make you some chamomile tea, love." 

"Can I shower first?" I ask. 

"Sure, love. Let me know when you're ready." She says. "Harry, go help her find her way around." She says and he nods before following me. 

"Do you need anything for the headache?" He asks while resting against the counter in the bathroom as I start to undress to shower. 

"No. I'll be ok." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah... Now go away so I can shower. I don't want your mom to come looking for us." He smirks. 

"She already knows that we've had sex. That's how babies are made." He teases and I show him the tongue. 

"Go away." I shoo him again. 

"Holler if you need anything." He says as he leaves me to it. 

I turn the shower knobs and the hot water flows gently through the showerhead. I wait for a second to make sure it's the right temperature and then go in.   
I don't wash my hair again since I already did in the morning. But other than that, I let the water flow through every single part of my body. Getting me warmed up and clean of my emotions rather than dirt but clean nonetheless. 

When I come out, Harry's boiling the water to make me some tea. 

Feeling better a bit, I sit and stare at the dynamic before me. 

As I have the tea with crackers and lemon jelly (sour things seem to help with nausea. Don't judge me, okay?) And they have soup for dinner, we're all content with how things went here and like I said, be proven wrong I was. Definitely.  



	16. The Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm writing what I believe is the last few chapters of this story so that's why it takes me a while to come to update it here.  
> Hopefully, once I'm done with the writing, I'll be able to come to update this more often or maybe release more chapters per update. 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading this. You have no idea how happy this makes me. 
> 
> Anyways, here's a new update. Enjoy!

"Are you feeling okay?" Harry asks as he too comes to bed rather early after dinner. 

"Yeah. Just tired." I say. 

"How's your head?" 

"A bit weird. But I'll be fine." 

"Are you sure you don't want some Tylenol to help with that?"

"I'm sure. It's okay." I place my cold hands over my eyes to ease the ache some. It does seem to help. 

He lays closer to me and nuzzles his nose into my hair as his hand goes over my stomach. 

"Can you feel anything yet?" He whispers.

His thumb moves a bit and I realize he's caressing my belly. 

"Not yet. I'm not sure it's old enough to move around and be felt yet." I say. 

"Okay." A bit of silence falls onto us while his thumb gently caresses my belly. "Sometimes I still can't believe we're gonna have a baby." He whispers again. 

"I know. Me too." I respond in a whisper too. 

"So wild." He says. His hand moved over to rest on top of my stomach now, under my shirt. He moves it a bit to caress me again. "is this okay?" He asks. 

"Yeah." I say. I remain as still as I can as he does that because it actually does give me a bit of a warm feeling.

Safety. 

I place my hands over my chest to avoid disturbing his motion on my belly, which is quite lulling me to sleep if I'm being honest. 

As I'm almost asleep, his soft-spoken voice rings through my brain again. 

"Do you think it can hear us yet?" 

"Don't know." He settles down a bit and he seems to be into deep thought. 

"Hi, baby. It's me, daddy. I can't wait to meet you. Just wanted to let you know that we're happy to have you. Stay safe in there. We'll be here waiting when it's time. I love you. Behave, okay?" He says and my eyes fill with tears and I sniffle them back. 

"What?" 

"You were talking to the baby." I state. 

"I'm aware." He chuckles. 

"It just sounded so sweet." He blushes a bit by my side. "You're gonna make me cry." I say as my voice quivers. 

"Not my intention." He smiles and kisses my cheek. "I just wanted to let our baby know he/she is already loved though we've been facing a lot of weird vibes these days." He says. "Have you spoken to it yet?" 

"Yeah, actually. A couple of times." I don't know if it heard me though. "Just thought it'd be nice if it could." I shrug a bit.

"I hope they can."

"Me too."

"Get some sleep, love. I don't wanna keep you awake longer than needed." He tells me and I turn into his chest. "Do you want me to rub your back?" I can practically hear the smirk in his voice. 

I sigh deeply before responding. 

"Yes, please." 

He chuckles before placing a kiss on my hair. 

"Such a baby sometimes." He says as his hand makes contact with the skin on my back. 

"Yeah. But your baby." I mumble and he kisses my hair again. 

"My baby." 

Next morning I wake up and the sun is peaking through the window. 

I gently nudge Harry awake. 

"Good morning, babe." I say to him as he looks up at me. 

"Is it morning already?" He asks as he buries his face into my neck. 

"Yeah. We need to get up." I state. "We need to spend some time with your mom." 

"She'll live if we don't for another hour." He says trying to go back to sleep.

"No, sir. Wake up." I state. "I need food." I chuckle and he does too. 

"Don't you need to hurl first?" He asks amused. 

"Not today, apparently. But don't worry, there's still time." I mess with him. 

He places gentle kisses on my neck and jawline and eventually, I sigh contently at the contact.

Not long after that, his kisses grow incessant and his hands start to wander. 

He half climbs on top of me so his kisses now land on my lips too rather than just my neck and his hands go under my shirt to find my breasts. 

"Gentle." I break the kiss instantly as his hands cup me a bit roughly. "A bit tender these days." I say looking into his eyes. 

"Sorry, love. I'll be gentle. Promise." He says as he resumes kissing me. 

I know where he's trying to take this but I also know that I can't allow it. Not here. Not with his mother somewhere in the same house. 

"We need to get up." I break the kiss again to whisper the words. 

"Doesn't have to be right now. We've got time." He says and he's now fully on top moving to create friction. 

"We can't do this here." I say bluntly. 

"Why not? I can be quiet."

"No. No, you can't and I'd rather not have to prove you that." I say. 

He collapses on top of me.

"Why did you let me go this far then???" He whines into my hair. 

"Bit of a make out session doesn't hurt. Right? Keeps things interesting." I say laughing and he huffs. 

He roles on his side to lie beside me and not two minutes later, his mom pops her head in after only two rapid knocks. 

"Thought you'd still be asleep." She says smiling. "Good morning." 

"Morning." We both say smirking at each other. 

"Are you planning on having some breakfast?" 

"Yeah. We'll be right there." I say.

"I think I'll skip it." Harry says. 

"Not me. I'll have it. I only had crackers last night so I'm definitely hungry." 

"Great, love. Come on then. It's ready." 

She says and I get up to brush my teeth and head out to eat with her.

"So how are you feeling now that I know?" Anne asks me and I shrug. 

"I mean, better I think. But it's still a very scary idea."

"I'm sure it is, honey." She smiles sympathetically. "It gets better, though."

"I hope so."

After breakfast, I bring Harry a cup of tea that Anne helped me make for him and two cookies.

He's half asleep again. 

I sit by his side and place the cup on the nightstand of his childhood bedroom.

Being here feels intimate and special.

Somehow, knowing he's always wanted to bring me into this room makes me feel connected. Content, I'd dare to say. 

I nudge him awake once again and he opens his eyes slowly. 

"Wake up. I made you a cup of tea and got you some cookies." I say leaning back to lay by his side again. 

"I'm not hungry." He says and his hand finds its way across my waist again. "Not for food anyway." He peeks at me from his spot and smirks at the blush he's now put on my cheeks. 

"Not here, babe." I tell him. "Your walls are paper-thin. I'm one hundred percent sure she's gonna end up hearing the whole thing. Plus, did you just miss the fact that not two minutes after we stopped this morning, your mom popped her head in? She would've caught us." I say baffled.

"Makes it more thrilling." He laughs. 

"No, thanks. I'd rather have it calm and unthrilling at that." I say and he chuckles. 

"We can wait until we get home." He smiles. 

He sat up and drank his tea while I rested my head in his lap instead.

His fingers running through my hair gives me such sense of calmness. It's relaxing enough that it almost sends me into sleep again.

After lunch, we spend the early afternoon looking at old pictures of Harry and Gemma growing up.

They tell me stories about a Harry that wouldn't stop playing until it was dark out. 

He's still so similar to that in his ways. 

Restless as ever. 

The day progresses a bit further and the nausea I didn't have in the morning shows up at night after dinner. 

"Taylor, honey. Are you ok?" Anne asks me as I stop for a second while putting the leftovers away.

For a minute I just close my eyes breathing calmly to try and avoid upsetting my stomach any further, so I'm unable to respond. 

"Oh God. Please, no. No. No. No." I mumble under my breath. 

"Tay, are you ok?" Harry asks turning towards me from the sink where he was washing the dishes. 

"Oh, God. I don't feel so good." I say looking at both of them.

"What's wrong?" Anne asks. 

"Nausea." I tell her.

"Do you need-" Before Harry can finish his question, I turn around and head to the closest bathroom quickly shutting the door before my stomach pushes my entire dinner out.

I feel like complete shit over having to empty out my stomach at someone else's home. Something about it sounds oddly peculiar and inherently bad.

"Damn it." I say after the third wave of it hits me. 

"It's okay. Let it out." Harry says as he sits at the tub behind me. 

"It just won't stop." I whine.

"Want some ginger ale?" He asks. 

"No. I'm still nauseous. It'll come back up too." Another wave hits and my stomach's contents comes out loudly out of my mouth. 

I hear a soft knock on the door after this wave is gone. With a faint come in leaving my mouth, she slowly opens the door. 

"Are you okay?" She asks. "Was it something you ate?" 

"Doubt it. It's just random. But tonight it's coming particularly hard and insistent. The nausea won't go away." I tell her. 

"I'll get you some water and lemon drops. It might help." She says as she turns and leaves. 

Turns out, it does not help. 

It goes down and as soon as it hits my stomach, it comes right back up. 

Not only it didn't work. It also made it substantially worse.

Not only was I still very much throwing up but it also had a rather acid taste now. 

I didn't have the heart to tell her that though, so I remained silent.

After about the seventh wave, I started to feel like it was finally done.

I was left feeling tired and weak from it, but better. 

After so much strain put into my body, I thought an early night was what I needed. 

I went to bed leaving Harry to watch a movie with his mom. 

I vaguely remember him climbing into bed late that night but to be completely honest, it's so vague I don't even know if it's real at this point. 

Morning comes and my stomach, though very much empty from last night's events, still wants to hurl whatever is inside so I get up to the routine I've now grown accustomed to, but at least this time, it's early in the morning where everyone's minds are still lost in dreamland and I can convince myself that nobody knows of the naughty business my stomach partakes in someone else's home.

Afterward, I brush my teeth and come back into bed for a bit, realizing it's only 6:30 am. 

I don't drift to sleep anymore but keep my eyes closed while my mind just drifts through nothing in particular. 

When Harry does wake up, I'm feeling better. Brighter than the night before. 

Today we're going back to London to spend a minute with a few friends before we head back to Nashville. 

We have breakfast and lunch with Anne and as we are leaving after lunch, we throw out promises of a sooner rather than later return. 

We fully intend on keeping said promise but knowing full well it depends on the baby too. 

We make it back to London by mid-afternoon and I'm feeling rather tired so I decide to take a nap before going out to meet our friends. 

Evening comes and Harry comes to wake me up. 

"Are you feeling okay?" He asks. 

"Yeah. Just tired." I say as I wrap my arms around him. 

"Okay." He kisses my face. "Wanna skip the get-together?" 

"No. We're already here." 

"But it's okay if you want to." 

"No. It's fine. I wanna go."

"Okay. Then you need to get up or we're going to be late." 

The get-together comes and goes and it's a blast. We had decided to not tell our friends yet whatsoever.

Instead, keeping it a secret until next month, on Harry's birthday. 

The time comes and we're buckling up to take off towards Nashville again the next day. 

As we make it home, I can't help but feel rather content at how things are right now. 

We fall into a rather easy routine for the next few days.

Meetings with our publicists being scheduled. 

Meetings with our management teams also on point. 

A meeting with my parents scheduled too for the end of the week.

We wait patiently and truly, a sense of calmness overtakes me. 

Until the day actually comes, that is.

We arrive there saturday morning for brunch.

Harry is nervous out of his mind and to be honest, so am I at this point. Mostly for picking up his nervousness because my own is at bay. 

"They're gonna kill me." He states as we pull over in my parents' driveway. 

"Chill. They're not." I tell him. 

"I feel like I could throw up." 

"That'd be quite a sight to see." I chuckle. 

"I mean it. My stomach is in knots." 

"I know. It'll be okay." 

I ring the bell and reach out to hold his hand before anyone comes to the door. 

We exchange a last look and then the door swings open. 

"Hi, honey." My mother greets me. "How have you been?" She hugs me for a second and pats me in the back a bit. 

"Hi, mom. Good. Good." I say. 

She lets go of me and her eyes now catch Harry standing behind me. 

"Harry. Hi! How have you been?" She asks as she smiles at him and I see the color half return to his face. 

"Ma'am. So nice to see you. I'm good. How are you doing?" 

"Good honey. Good." She says looking at him. "You've certainly grown into your good looks huh?" She states and he just smiles blushing. She steps forward and hugs him for a second and placing a kiss on his cheek. She looks up at him. "It's good to see you." She says and pulls him inside too. 

Harry politely shakes hands with my dad as we enter the living room. 

He's patiently waiting for us there but he doesn't smile at our arrival. 

My mother serves us brunch before any form of baby related conversation can form itself into our family. 

Harry is so nervous that he can't stand the idea of eating much of anything. 

Instead, he just pours himself a cup of tea and mourns it in between his hands with two cookies, which he takes smaller than baby's bites from every once in a while. 

After pleasantries were exchanged and all details about telling his mom were shared, brunch is over and we move the conversation into the living room now. 

Surprisingly, it's my mother, queen of putting fires out before it becomes wild, that breaks the silence with a loaded question. 

"How long do you two plan on staying together this time?" She says and I can feel that like a stab into my chest. 

She seems to regret it instantly. 

Like one of those things that sounded better in your mind, but the minute you say it and hear yourself saying it, you already start to regret it. 

"I'm sorry. Shouldn't have said that." She says right after as she looks at me.

She's sitting directly across from me so it's not like I can hide the tears that were brought up to my eyes. 

"It was mean and loaded and I'm so sorry." She continues. 

"I plan on staying with her for as long as she'll want me for. As for the baby, forever." Harry says and the room comes to a stop altogether. 

"For as long as she wants? What's that even supposed to mean?" My dad interjects. 

"I love your daughter. I do. I have for a long time. But I will do what is best for us and for this baby and that includes leaving if she so desires. I hope it doesn't ever come to that again but I can't lie to you. It'd benefit no one." 

"Great. Because that's really reassuring." My dad says filling the atmosphere with sarcasm. 

"What? It's not like he's obligated to marry me just because of this. Did you think we were coming here to announce that? Heads-up, we're not." I fire back now. 

"He should at least be considering this rather than giving you the power to end this yet again." My dad says and I can read between the lines of that. 

"Why?" I challenge and he falls silent. "Come on. Say it. We both know what that means. Let's make everyone in the room aware of the subliminal messages here." I fire again. "Say it. Say it that I always scare everyone off and I never stay with anyone." My breathing picks up. He sent me into a spiral now. I'm out of my own control. "Come on. Go ahead. Say it. How I date too many people. How I never settle with anyone. Do you want to make that heard? SAY IT!" I finish half yelling. 

"Taylor, calm down." My mother intervenes. 

"Calm down?" I ask incredulously. "I thought this was a conversation about the baby. To assure you we're going to be ok. We're going to take care of our baby together. We're gonna be responsible. But instead, I come here and this is a doomed conversation about my sexual life and my inability to settle down and you have the mind to tell me to calm down???" I blurt out getting red by the second. "You see I have never, in the history of ever, known anyone who actually managed to calm down because they were told to calm down." I remark sarcastically. "This helps no one!" I state. 

"I'm just saying you need to get a grip. We have a lot to talk about." She tries to appease me. 

"No. We do not. I'm an adult. My sexual life is of no one's interest but my own and whomever I'm with. My relationship with Harry concerns no one but Harry and I. As for the baby, again, I'm an adult. I'm stable both financially and emotionally. It'll be fine." 

"You know that's not what we mean!" My dad states firmly trying to get a hold of the situation but I stand my ground. 

"It is though. It is exactly what you meant." I state. 

"What has gotten into you today, Taylor?" He asks and I defiantly stand up. 

"What has gotten into YOU to slut shame your daughter like you just did?" I say and turn to leave the room despite hearing my name being called multiple times.

My legs have developed a life of their own and won't stop walking until I've successfully crossed the back door into the backyard. 

It's cold outside, as it should be for the beginning of January, and now I regret leaving for the backyard rather than the front porch. I have no shoes and no coat. 

I also have no mental stability to re-enter the house as of right now so instead, I resign myself to the fate of just freezing a bit for about an hour.

I also regret leaving altogether because now I remember that I just left Harry to fend for himself and that's not entirely fair. 

Though I want to go back inside for his sake, that thought alone sends me into a crying mess and sends my stomach into a mess of knots. 

It feels like I've been sitting on that table outside for all of 5 minutes when I hear the glass doors sliding open. 

Someone has come for me. 

"Please, get inside." It's my dad. I don't respond. "You're gonna catch a cold." He says again. 

I contemplate his statement and so I turn towards him, hop off the table and I March towards the door where he's waiting for me. 

I can feel his eyes lingering on me but I don't look up. I can't bear the thought of his eyes judging me. I'd rather not have any more of that image burned in the back of my mind. 

I walk past him and into the house without a second thought and only then do I realize it's probably been a while because I feel the house warmth creeping under my skin like it's setting it on fire. 

"We need to talk a bit more. Do you think you're calm enough to do that?" He asks as I set foot inside. 

"I'd rather not." I rasp out. 

"It's not optional. This conversation is gonna need to happen somewhere. It's better if it happens sooner rather than later." 

I sigh. 

"What? What do you still want to discuss? How slutty I am or how you can all place bets that Harry and I won't last and that'll trigger an even worse response?" I bite back again. 

"I want to apologize." He says calmly as he stands in front of me. He's looking at me but I can't bear to meet his eyes. "That's not what I meant and it's surely not how I feel about you. I am so very sorry I didn't make that abundantly clear to you." I look up at him with tears in my eyes. "I didn't mean it like that, sweet girl. I would never." He says and I sob. "You dating like a normal twenty-something person doesn't make you anything less than a brilliant young woman and an amazing person. I'm sorry you felt so pressured under this label that you didn't feel safe and loved within your own family. I'm sorry I failed to make you understand that regardless of your behavior, I would never use such a label on you nor would I ever feel like they belong. I don't feel that way and I'm so very sorry sweetheart." He says and I fall into him. "I'm so sorry." He says again as he holds me against his chest. "I'm really sorry." He says again after a while. "Will you please forgive me for not phrasing it correctly?" He asks. 

"Yes." I son into his chest. "I'm sorry I yelled." I said. "And stormed off before we could work it out." I said looking up at him now. 

"It's ok." He says as he holds me yet again. 

After a second he sends me on my way to my mother and Harry in the living room and he goes out to get me a blanket. 

"Taylor!!!" My mother exclaims. "You're freezing cold." She says as her hands rub my arms up and down. "Stay here and I'll make you a warm cup of tea." She says. 

"Are you okay?" Harry says as I sit by his side tucking my legs underneath myself. 

"Yeah. We talked a bit. Worked it out." I say and his arms encircle me. 

"Good." He says as he places a kiss on my forehead. 

"I'm sorry I left you alone. It wasn't my intention. It just escalated quickly and I couldn't handle it." 

"It's alright. We worked it out too." He says. 

"What did you talk about?" 

"Mostly about what plans we have in place for the rest of the pregnancy and how we plan on handling this." He says. "I told them we're gonna keep it until we feel safe to let this out and then we're gonna keep the baby's life as private as we can but mostly, we'll figure that out together." 

"Okay. Good." I sigh. "I'm still sorry though. I should've stayed." 

"It's all good." He says. "Are you gonna be okay? Your feet feel like two ice lollies." 

"I'm okay. Dad went to get me a blanket. I should warm up soon." I say and he nods. 

When my dad returns with a blanket and leaves it with me before going to find my mom, he returns to find me asleep and pretty much gone for the rest of the morning. 

Lunch is served late due to the events of the morning and when it finally is served, it's a whole different affair with our slates clean and our souls washed. It's a much happier deal.


	17. New appointments and Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's almost 11 pm for me right now, but I kinda wanted to squeeze in an update.  
> Here's a new chapter to this whole wild ride. Hope you guys like it!
> 
> I'm trying to get another chapter uploaded within the next hour, so stay tuned for it.

Days come and go easily after talking to my parents and before I know, it's January 11th. 

The day before was my mother's birthday. 

We celebrated with lunch and a cake.

After loving wishes of the best days for her and a bunch of presents from all of us, I also promised her I'd take her to my next appointment so she could see the baby before anyone else in the family as a present.

"We're gonna be late guys. Come on!!!" I call out to both my mom and Harry. Both of which have decided to take their sweet time getting ready to accompany me to my appointment today. 

"I swear to God, if no one is here in the next 2 minutes, I'm leaving both of you behind." I state huffing by the entryway. "I'll drive myself there and I'm not even kidding." I cross my arms. "Guys come o-" 

"We're here. Jeez. Calm down. There's a vein popping in your forehead." Harry says as he grabs the keys and his wallet and my mom grabs her purse. 

"You do realize we're still about a good half hour early, right?" My mom says as she passes me by. 

"Whatever." I mutter and march to the car. 

"Hi, Taylor." Dr. Sullivan greets as soon as we get into her office. "Harry." She says and they shake hands. "I assume this is mom?" She asks extending her hand for my mom to shake and I nod. 

"Andrea. Nice to meet you." My mom smiles.

"Nice to meet you too ma'am. Dr. Julianne Sullivan." 

We all sit down in the office for the newest appointment. 

"So, Taylor, how have you been?" She asks. 

"Good. I think." 

"Have you gotten through the morning sickness yet?" 

"Mostly, yes. But somedays it just comes to haunt me and show me who's in charge." She chuckles and I do too. 

"Have you been taking your vitamins?" 

"Yes." 

"I got reports you got sick and got treated with antibiotics over New year's. How was that?" 

"I mistook it for morning sickness. It was pretty bad. But I felt better about 5 days later." 

"Okay. Good. Anything unusual?" 

"Not that I can think of. No." 

"Has the tenderness to your breast gotten any better yet?" 

"Not really." She lifts her eyebrows. "If anything it's a bit more sore, actually." 

"How much is a bit?"

"Like tight shirts makes me wanna cry. If you touch it too hard or bump into me, I'll likely cry. If you put any weight on it or press it in any way, I'll definitely cry." 

"Okay. That's still to be expected but we're gonna need to check that once again to make sure. It's likely you're about to start lactating in a few weeks and that tenderness should be about that. But let's make sure." 

"Okay." 

"How's your nipples situation going?" 

"Uhm... We have yet to..." I look at Harry now blushing like hell and he looks back at me mortified too. "We haven't gotten around to it yet." I say and he nods. "We haven't found the time yet." I say and she nods. 

"Okay. But get on to that. The earlier you start this process, the better are your chances of getting it a bit easier for breastfeeding."

"We'll work on it." I nod.

"How's your dieting going? Are you eating okay? Any foods triggering sickness still?" 

"I think I'm good. I'm eating generally quite normally. Coffee, blueberry, and seafood trigger me." 

"Okay. You should keep out of those anyway, so I guess it's a good thing. Blueberry is not a very common to trigger women, but it's a particular thing so I guess you can skip that if you keep up with other fruits. Mostly normal though?" 

"Yeah. Somedays I get hungry in regular hours, then I eat and I'm fine. Somedays I won't get hungry. But I know I need to eat, so I'll force it down and it'll come right back up. Those events are pretty rare though. So, almost normal?" 

"Okay. That's fine." She writes it down. "Is everything okay in your private parts?" 

"I don't know. I think so."

"Have you noticed any changes or abnormalities?" 

"No. Not really." 

"No weird smell either?" 

"I don't think so. No." I think about it. "I'm discharging a bit though. No smell, just whitish colored, I think?" 

"That's okay. During pregnancy it is normal for your vaginal flora to change a lot and discharge a lot too. You let me know if it starts to itch, get a bit sore, become painful to pee, get any different smell or change the discharge color to weird colors like dark yellowish, brownish, greenish or if it's at all in the red spectrum even if it's light." 

"Okay. None of that though."

"I'm gonna prescribe a topic cream though. To help regulate the vaginal flora. I want to avoid infections. Increased discharges can lead to candidiasis. Which is basically a yeast infection. Let's avoid that. Use it once a day. Preferably at night. Wear a pad for the next couple of days if it increases even more due to the medication. If not, there's no need. Going full commando for a few hours can actually help. So given the chance, skip the underwear when going to bed. No intercourse during the treatment."

"Okay."

"So about your test results, they came back clean and controlled. Which means you're healthy." 

"Okay. Good."

"Okay. You can go change into the gown and we'll have a look at things." 

As I hop into the table after changing into the gown, she proceeds to cover my legs with a blanket and lifts my gown. 

"So, we'll get to the ultrasound first today because now we're gonna focus a lot on your health rather than staying much about the baby. It's important you develop well too so we'll keep up with that." 

"Okay." 

"Little cold." She says and spreads gel onto my belly. 

It's insane how as soon as the wand comes in contact with my belly, it shows this little thing on the screen and that little thing is my baby. 

"So there it is. Look." She points. "There's the little head. All 10 fingers. All 10 toes. None extra. It's in normal size. Looks to be weighting fine too. It's now about the size of an apple." She says and I vaguely register her saying it.

I take long peaks at my mother looking at the baby on the screen. Her eyes are spilling tears everywhere and she's all red to the face. 

"Would you like to hear the heart again before we move on?" 

"Yes, please." I say. 

She sets it up and the sound fills up the room again. It's inevitable. Tears flow from all three of us again and we share the sweetest moment together.

"Honey!!!" My mother kisses me on the forehead. "You're having a baby." 

"I know." I chuckle trying to get a grip and stop crying. 

"Oh my God. It didn't sound real until now." She squeels in awe. "I'm gonna have a grandbaby and I'll make sweaters and bake cookies and give it fun afternoons at the house when we gather." She kisses my forehead again.

"Yes, mom. All that. Oddly specific though." We all laugh at that. 

"My baby is having a baby of her own." She kisses me again. "I love you. Best birthday present ever." 

"I love you too, Mom." 

She proceeds to hug Harry too and he cries over finally feeling like somehow he belongs. His eyes won't deny the thoughts that occurred to him. 

The sweet moment is now done and we move on to different tests. 

My belly is now cleaned up and a new device is placed around it. 

"It measures and gives me something like an ECG for the baby's heart. To rule out any heart defects or abnormalities in rate." She says when I ask about it. 

While it's working, she measures my blood pressure, which she says is fine and listens to my heart, which is also fine according to her. Just like my lungs. 

After all those, she comes to inspect my breasts. 

"They're definitely a good size bigger." She says. "Surprisingly enough, there's no milk yet." 

"Was it supposed to have any?" I ask. 

"No. I just didn't think it'd become bigger without any significant milk production yet." She says and I nod. "So, your nipples, work on them." She eyes me and I nod again. "I'm gonna have to palp them though. That might be a bit painful. I'm sorry in advance." 

She says and I nod while bracing myself for the contact. Her gloved fingers go around my breast one at a time palpating so deep I feel like she can almost touch my ribcage through it. Just like she warned, it was in fact, rather painful. 

When she's done, I realize I had been holding my breath the entire time and as I let go, sharp pains shoot through both my breasts and tears finally spill from my eyes. 

Harry instantly wraps his arms around me as I cover myself and hide my face into him. 

"So sorry." I hear her saying. 

"It's okay." I mumble through the pain.

She tells me to step onto the scale after a while and I do. I've gained 2 pounds. She says it's okay. 

Afterward, she prints the new baby sonogram pictures and puts them in an envelope to give to me after I come back from changing back into my own clothes. 

"So Taylor, you're healthy. Which is great. Your levels are good and I'm very pleased with it. Your breasts don't show anything worthy of concern as I've told you. Tenderness or soreness is to be expected. But maybe do some hot compressions on it maybe twice a day. It should help it get better." I nod. "Other than that, here's your prescription for prenatal vitamins. You're healthy but I think we should supply you with iron and folic acid. Those are running on borderlines here. We'll supply you for this month and see how that leaves us next month." 

"Okay." 

"Your new appointment should be on February 15th. It's a monday. Can we set that up for 9 am again?" 

"Is it ok if it's on the 12th instead? Or the 16th. I have something to do on the 15th." 

"No problem. February 12th it is." 

"Thank you." I say. 

We all exchange pleasantries and leave the office with a new baby picture and our hearts content with the newest found excitement over the baby growing inside me. 

"Holy shit. There's a baby growing inside me." I say and we all laugh. 


	18. Almost first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's chapter number 2 of tonight's update.  
> A bit of smut on this one but not a lot. Proceed with caution. lol  
> Hope you guys enjoy it.

"What will you be doing for your birthday?" I ask Harry one morning as we lie in bed.

"I'll be having a party in Malibu. I sent you an invitation ages ago. Did you miss it?" 

"I think I did. Was it electronic?" 

"No. Paper. Should've come in with the mail." 

"Then I definitely missed it." We both chuckle. 

"Are you gonna come?" 

"Should I?" 

"Well, I invited you. I kinda expected you to." 

"I know. But nobody really knows about us so there's that." 

"Why? Do you still want to keep it a secret?" 

"No. Just private. I just meant that under our current circumstances, I'm not sure we can afford to draw up attention." 

"If you want to keep it a secret, you can just attend and pretend we're just friends. Or skip it. I don't know." He says but I hear the hurt in his voice. 

"I'm coming. I just wanted to know if we're on the same page. If this gets out, is it ok?" 

"Like the baby thing?"

"All of it." 

"Yeah. I mean... But I hope it does not though. I want you to have control over this narrative." 

"Okay." I kiss his lips lightly. "I appreciate that." 

"So, are we telling our friends yet?" He asks.

"About the baby?" 

"All of it." 

"I mean, we can. We're past the first trimester and it's healthy. We're okay. I think we should start." I say.

"Cool." He says. 

"I'm going to attend the Grammy's on the 15th. Do you think it's a bad idea?" 

"I don't know. Won't people know though?" 

"I don't know. I'm 15 weeks, soon going on 16 and yet to show anything. Maybe I can pull it off." 

"Do you want to do it?" 

"Well, yeah." 

"Then go ahead." He kisses me for a while.

"Who are you taking?" He asks after a while. 

"What? Where?" 

"Grammy's." 

"Oh. Selena and Abigail." 

"Okay. Good." 

"Are you coming at all?" 

"Don't think so." 

"What about pre-party on Sunday?" 

"Nope." 

"You should come." I say calmly.

"Why?" 

"I don't know. Have some fun?" 

"Are you gonna go?" 

"If the baby's okay until then, sure." 

"Okay." 

We kiss for another few moments before Harry speaks again. 

"I'm rather nervous about the announcement." 

"Honestly, me too. But I'm sure you'll be okay. It'll be fine. You all deserve to get some rest." 

"I know. But it's scary. This is all I've ever wanted and now it feels like I'm betraying that." 

"You're not though. You need to do what's best for you and together, you need to do what's best for everyone. If staying together is proving to be too much and all four of you agree, then it shouldn't be an issue to take a break." 

"I'm gonna miss them. The boys." 

"I know. You can visit though. They can too." 

"I know. But not the same thing." 

"I know." 

"This is such a difficult time." 

"I know." I say. "I'm sorry I made it incredibly harder." I whisper. 

"You didn't do anything alone. Did you? We're in it together." I smile and he kisses me. 

"Later this year I'm gonna have to announce a break too." I say. 

"Yeah." 

"I'm rather nervous about that too." 

"Me too. Even more than I am about my own." 

"I think they'll hate me." 

"Your fans?" I nod. "I don't think so. I just think the media will be having a field day making assumptions about you and why you took a break."

"I guess." Silence as I lay on top of him with my head now gently nestled in his neck. "Harry?"

"Yeah?" 

"Do you think I'll ever be able to come back after this?" 

"I think so. Yeah." He says. "I hope so."

"Me too. Hope so. Because I'll miss it dearly if I can't. There's no rush quite as exciting as performing on stage to a huge crowd." 

"Yeah." We fall back in silence. 

I look up into his eyes after a while. I kiss him deeply. Mostly so he knows that I love him, but also, we've been apart for quite some time and I've had enough. 

I kiss him until I run out of air. When we break apart, his eyes let me know that I got my point across just fine. 

"Be gentle with us." I whisper as my hands rub my belly and I fall to my side to allow him to take over. 

"I will." He smiles as he takes off his shirt and climbs half on top of me but keeping his weigh in his elbows. 

He kisses me on my neck and I'm almost certain he's shaking from holding back from marking me. He knows it could lead to much more trouble than what it's worth. 

His hand travels up and down my leg while he moves his entire body to a certain rhythm to try and create friction. 

As his mouth travels south from my neck, he encounters my shirt and that's the first item to go. 

"Can we make the room a bit darker?" I ask as I sit up to remove the shirt and the bra. 

"Well, yeah. But why?" He asks puzzled. This never being something I asked for before this. 

"I don't know. I'm just feeling a bit weird." 

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to, love." He kisses my face now as I lay back and he follows to lay back with me. 

"I know. But I want to." I say ignoring the racing state of my heart. "Can we darken the room, please?" 

"Yeah. Sure." He says as he shuts the blinds to the half-dark mode, efficiently blocking most of the sunlight but not entirely so as to not make the room pitch black. 

"Thank you." I whisper. 

"Are you sure you want this?" 

"Yeah." I whisper back. 

"Are you feeling pressured into this by any means?" 

"No. Harry, come on." I chastise.

"I'm just asking to make sure you don't feel like somehow this is all I want from you or like it's something you need to do." 

"It's not. I promise." He keeps staring at me for a second. "I love you and I want this. Alright? I've always loved sex with you. My absolute desire for that hasn't changed. I want this. Okay?"

"Okay." He says into my ears and kisses my neck. 

He goes back to traveling south again and this time, it's a freeway. 

He reaches my breast in no time and he looks up to see if it's okay. 

I nod my head in permission. "Just, don't suck on it. It's rather tender still." 

"Okay." 

He kisses my breast all over but gently. 

His hand travels up to meet his mouth and gently caresses one boob. 

His lips enclose the nipple on the other one and with the gentle swirl of his tongue flickering my already sensitive nipple, my back arches off the bed, and a low moan leaves my body. 

He switches and offers the other nipple the same treatment. 

When he's satisfied with that he looks up at me. "Can I taste you?" 

I hesitate for a second. 

"I don't know how that's gonna feel like. I'm scared it'll be too much." 

"Let me know if it is and I'll stop instantly." 

"Just don't throw me over. Please? Stop before you get there. I don't think I can handle it twice today." I say honestly and he nods smiling. 

He places a long kiss on my belly so as to let the baby know he's loving us. 

I didn't have pants on in the first place so he only has to get rid of my panties. 

I help him out by lifting out of bed.

When his mouth makes contact with my center for the first time in months, it fires so many sparks that I feel like I'm about to pass out. 

Embarrassingly enough, I don't last very long before I'm teetering on the edge and therefore need to be pulled back. 

When he stops per my initial request, I sigh in frustration and he chuckles.

"You told me to stop before throwing you over." He says as he comes up to kiss me. 

"I know. Stupid idea." I pant out. 

"Want me to finish you?" 

I contemplate it for a minute. But then figure I truly won't be able to handle more than one. 

"Not like this. I want you inside." I say and his eyes darken. 

"You got it." He says as he kisses me again. 

He only had his boxers on and that's not very hard to get rid of. Before I know it, I feel him rubbing onto me, and once again, my heart races like horses.

Somehow, on my state of deep concentration on wanting him with every fiber of my being, I failed to realize how much pressure I'm actually feeling and how my chest actually tightens at the idea of having him inside me after all these months and after all the recent drama. 

When he lines up to enter me, my hand shot up to prevent him from doing it almost as if it had created a life of its own. 

"Are you okay?" He asks looking into my eyes. 

It's rather dark in the room but I can clearly see the darken look from lust in his eyes vanish. He's worried now. 

"Yeah. Just..." I feel stupid. It's not like I haven't been here before. 

"What?" He prompts. 

"Surprisingly, I'm a bit nervous." I want to hide now because I feel even more stupid now that I've heard myself saying it. "It's stupid. Carry on." I say as my hand drops from in between us. 

"What are you nervous about? The baby?" He asks. 

"No. I don't know. It's just stupid. Nevermind." I say trying to make him drop the subject. 

"Love, your feelings are not stupid. Tell me what's wrong." He caresses my face while brushing the hair out of it. 

"I don't know. It's just... It's been a few months now. I want this. I do. So badly. But I'm kinda scared of how this is gonna make me feel after the discharge of hormones and how..." I take a deep breath. "I'm also scared this isn't gonna be what you expect. Like maybe I've lost my touch with you. I mean, it's been months and... I don't know." I say and he sighs. 

"I can't tell you how this is gonna make you feel. I wouldn't know, love. Hopefully, good? As for me. I'm not expecting anything. I know you and I know us and this is all I need. Sex with you is always incredible and I love it very much and of course, I want you so bad, but it's not the most important thing between us." He says. "Love, you can drive me insane with just a look. You have no idea the power you actually have. So what's this about?" 

"Doesn't feel like it." He stares. "Like I have any power at all." 

"And that's one of the things that I hate about the world so much." He says. "The way they beat you down to make you believe you're less than what you are. Love. You're an entire country of your own. Powerful. Beautiful. Self-sufficient. What's gotten you believing otherwise?" I shrug. "I love you." He says and I break down. He falls towards the side and pulls me to his chest as he holds me. 

"I'm sorry." I whisper. 

"For what?" 

"Ruining the moment." I say. 

"Love..." He sighs deeply.

"Okay." I surrender. "Can we cuddle instead?" I ask. 

"Sure baby." He holds me and I settle down against his chest. 

Before I know it, I open my eyes to realize I have been asleep. 

SpongeBob SquarePants is now playing softly somewhere in the room and I move a bit to look at the tv. It's off. So I'm assuming it's his phone or some other device. 

"You could've turned the TV on." I say as I look at him before settling back into his chest. 

"Didn't want to wake you with such a bright light." He kisses my hair. "You feeling okay?" He asks. 

"Yeah." 

"So... That was fun." He says after a minute of me just laying on his chest watching SpongeBob from his iPad. 

"What?" I look up to him. 

"Our almost first time." He chuckles and I hide my face into his chest smiling and blushing profusely. 

"That was embarrassing." I say and we both laugh. "Thank you for being so kind and understanding." I say and gently pecks my lips. "I love you." 

"I love you too." 


	19. Service

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter because I'm feeling particularly generous. lmao
> 
> Kidding. 
> 
> If anything, I'm rather grateful that you guys are taking some time to read this, so thank you!  
> Hope you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> A little bit of smut mid-chapter on this one too. I was gonna separate it with an extra space in between lines but it is almost 2 am so I really, truly can't anymore.  
> Besides, a part of this chapter was just written today in order to correct a plothole that I remembered having that would affect the accuracy of a chapter 5 chapters from now.  
> So tonight, I didn't just update this, I also put a lot of thought into writing a correction part for it, so at this point, I need some sleep. lol 
> 
> I truly hope you guys enjoy it.

"What's wrong?" Harry asks as he sits up behind me in bed. It's about 8:30 pm.

Maybe we're old. Don't judge.

"Back pain." I say. 

"Already?" 

"Yeah." 

"You're not even showing yet." 

"I know." 

"Is it bad?" 

"Medium." 

"Want a massage?" 

"Yes, please." 

He lifts my shirt off my head and his hands start rubbing my lower back. 

"Right here?" He asks and I nod. 

He grabs one of my lotions from the bedside table and spreads calmly over my back. 

"Do you wanna lay down?" 

"It kinda hurts to lay on my stomach. Can you do it sitting up?" 

"Yeah. No problem." 

His hands make slow circles over the muscles of my lower back and pressing firmly into me, slowly the pain dissipates. 

Once he's done, I'm finally able to lay back down. 

"You ok?" 

"Yeah. Thank you." I kiss him quickly. 

He chases my lips and kisses me again. His tongue asking for entrance and I grant it. 

He explores my mouth for a while before I feel him, rock hard, pressing against my thigh. 

"Not tonight, baby. I needed some medicine inside so I can't." I say and he pouts. "Sorry." 

"It's okay." He says. "But can we make out a bit longer though?" I nod. 

After a while of us just making out almost naked under the covers, he reaches his breaking point. 

"You can take care of it." I say. "It's okay." 

"I'll go take care of it in the bathroom. Less messy." He says. 

"Okay. But come back soon to cuddle me okay?" He nods and gets up to jack himself off in the bathroom. 

Another twenty minutes go by and he's yet to return so I go looking for him. 

I knock on the master bathroom door softly and he gently says I can come in. 

As I do, now fully clothed, I see him sitting down on the edge of the bathtub still rock hard. 

"What's wrong?" I ask. 

"Nothing." He says. 

"Why aren't you done?" 

"I can't get myself there." He says. "I fucking cock blocked myself somehow." 

"It's fine." I say leaning against the wall. "Want me to help?" I say and he perks up at the thought. 

"Handjob?" He asks. 

"Well, I just thought if I let you touch me and see me while at it, it could make it easier." 

"Well, yeah." He says. 

"I can do it for you. If that's what you want." I say and shrug. 

"I think I'm tired of the same old pressure of my own hand." He says. 

"Sorry." I say sheepishly. "I promise I'm working on it." 

"It's okay. Just maybe, if you're okay with it, can you do it?" 

"Yeah. Come here." I say as I lean against the counter. 

I kiss him long and calmly while his hands encircle my waist. 

His length pressing down against my front while he stays pressed onto me. 

"What do you need?" I ask almost to whisper. 

"Can you stand behind me to do it? It'll give you a better stance rather than doing it backwards while standing in front of me."

"Sure." I move to stand behind him. "Just guide me on how to do it best for you." I say as I wrap my hands on his length after coating it in coconut oil that was sitting on the counter. "How much pressure?"

"A bit more, please." I tighten my grip a bit. "Wait. Too much!" He almost jumps out of my arms. 

"Rate it. 1 to 10. How much is it now?" 

"7." 

"How much should it be?" 

"5." 

"Like this?" I loosen it a bit. 

"Yeah. That's perfect." He sighs. 

"Up and down?" I ask while starting to move down his shaft and he throws his head back. 

"Yeah." 

"Okay." I start a slow rhythm with one of my hands while the other stays pressed into his stomach. I kiss his neck and shoulder and he releases a low moan. 

"Loosen your pinky and ring fingers a bit. It's a bit tight." I do as told. "Perfect." 

I work him into a faster rhythm and his heart rate pick up just like his breathing. 

I run my thumb over the head pressing down twice before going back into the rhythm and his knees buckle. 

"Please, don't fall. I don't think I can support you if you do." I say and we both laugh. "Do you need to sit down?" 

"No. I'm good." He says and I work up the rhythm again. 

After a few more minutes and a few head strokes, he releases strongly into my hand and his head rests thrown back over my shoulder. 

He flops a bit so he puts a bit more weight onto me. 

I coax him through his spurts and eventually, come to a stop. 

"Are you okay?" I ask him looking at his face through the mirror. I kiss his cheek and his neck a few times before he responds. 

"Good." He pants out. 

I lean forward and open the faucet running my hand through it and then dry it off on a towel previously set. 

With both hands now clean, I encircle his waist in a hug and squeeze him tightly. 

"Are you done?" He nods a bit. I lean forward again to get the towel wet to clean him up a bit. 

As I clean him, he picks up his head. 

"You don't have to do that. I can clean it myself." He says. 

"It's okay." 

He turns and hugs me after he's clean and places a kiss in my hair. 

"Thank you." He says and I kiss him for a second. "Wanna shower together?" He asks. 

"No, thanks." I say and he laughs. 

"Just shower." 

"I've already showered, baby." 

"Okay." 

I detangle myself from him and as he goes to shower, I wash off the sink and spray it with cleaner and properly wash my own hands. 

I leave him in the bathroom and go wait in bed for him. 

When he comes back after a little while, he lays behind me and his hands encircle me. 

I don't open my eyes. I just scoot back into him as he nuzzles his face into my hair. 

"Are you asleep yet?" I asked into the darkness after a long time of just our breathings filling the silence between us.

"Not yet." 

"You know what I was thinking?"

"Hum?" 

"Have you given any thoughts into how to handle the nipples situation?" 

"I mean... I have..." He says timidly. 

"What do you think?" He lets out a long breath. 

"I think that we can do either things. If you need help, I'll do it. But if not, if you wanna do it with the pump, I'll stand by." I don't say anything to that. Instead, I'm deep in thought. "What are you thinking?" He asks as he kisses my neck. 

"I think I wanna try both ways. See which one works best." 

"That's ok." 

"I feel like that's such a weird thing to ask you though. Like, to ask you to do that with me when it's not meant... You know... It's not a sexy thing." I blush and hear him laughing. 

"I'm aware it's not meant to be sexual. Don't worry. I'm always horny for you but I promise you this I can do with no malice." He kisses me again. "Besides, you literally just jacked me off in that bathroom not even an hour ago. That wasn't meant for you. You just did it to help me. Right? Same thing. You know?" He asks and squeezes me into him. 

"I guess." I say. 

"Whatever you want to do, just let me know." He says. 

"I want you to do it." I say and I turn back to look at him in the dark. 

"Right now?" He asks after a minute of me staring at him and I nod. "Sure." He says sitting up. "How do I do it? Like, what do I need to do?" 

I take a deep breath as I too sit up. 

Pulling my shirt over my head to reveal my breast. 

"Just latch on and suck on it I guess." 

"Okay." He says. 

"Be gentle though!" I warn him beforehand. 

"Sure." 

His mouth closed around my nipples and he gives me the first suckle and I hiss sharply. 

"Sorry." He lets go instantly. "Love, I'm so sorry." He hurries to keep saying.

"It's okay." I touch his face. "It's okay. It's trial and error. We're ok." I tell him. "Let's try this again. Maybe you need to like get a bit more of it rather than just the nipples." 

"Okay." He comes at it again. This time, guiding his head, I help him latch on with a bigger portion around rather than just the nipples. I hiss again. 

"Oh my god. I wanna die." He says. 

"It's ok. Right grip. Wrong amount of suction. Too much." He rests his face on my chest and shoulders. "It's okay. I'm ok. It's a sharp pain, not a dull one. It's fine already. Let's try again." I say running my fingers through his hair. 

He latches on again but doesn't move yet. He looks up to make sure he's latching on right. I nod. 

"Now, gently suck." He starts off too gently. "A bit harder." I say and he does as told. He works up a nice rhythm and after a minute, I prop some pillows behind me and gently lay back pulling him with me. 

After a while, he lets go and we can see the nipple standing on attention. 

"You did it." I smile as we both admire the work he did. 

"That's harder than we were told." He laughs. "I think I got this now. I think we're cool." 

"Okay. Now do the other one." I say.

He goes to the other and after some help latching to the right part, he starts a rhythm as we lay back against the headboard. 

When he's done, that nipple too stands at attention. 

"See? I got it." He said as he smiled proudly. 

"You did it." I say as I wipe some drool from the sides of his mouth. "That was great, baby. Thank you." He smiles and I can see sleep fighting to overthrow him so I gently throw out the pillows and lay back down pulling him with me. 

"That's such a weird feeling." I tell him. "Like, it feels like you're about to swallow my nipples." I giggle. 

"It's weird for me too." He says sleepily. "Your nipples hit the back of my tongue." He chuckles a bit. "I don't think I've ever had that much of someone's tits inside my mouth." He says nonchalantly. 

"Glad to be your first." I say smirking and he laughs. "Let's get some sleep, baby." 

"Yeah. I'm wiped." 

After a minute I laugh a bit by myself. 

"What?" He asks. 

"Today we really serviced each other. Huh? I never thought this would be the meaning of this word." I say. 

The next morning is January 16th.

About two hours after breakfast, I head out to meet Abigail, Selena, and Gigi for brunch as we had agreed to. 

After a bunch of "I missed you" and "So nice to see you!", we sit down at the cafe to eat. 

"You look like you're hiding something. You're awfully quiet." Gigi says as she looks at me. 

"Me? No." I laugh. "When have you known me to be a morning person?" I laugh and she does too. 

"Fair enough." She says. 

"I do have something to tell you guys, though." I say nonchalantly. 

"Oh. So you are hiding something?" Gigi chuckles and the others do too. 

"Sorta, but that's not the reason why I'm quiet."

"Well, spill." Selena prompts. 

"Trust me, I will. But it's quite the sensitive content so I'd rather not do it here." 

"Let's head back to my apartment. Now."Abigail says already gathering her belongings. 

"What? We haven't finished brunch yet." I say with my mouth stuffed with macarons.

"You can't drop that kind of bomb on us and then ask us to wait as you stuff your face with cookies and macarons, girl." Selena says. 

"Fine!" I sigh and they chuckle. "Somebody's gotta feed me though." 

"We'll take this to go." Gigi says and I nod. 

Before long, we're sitting at Abigail's couch while Matt makes himself busy in the kitchen. 

"Taylor!!!" Abigail presses as I just sit there nervously eating through all the cookies I can get my hands on. "Just tell us already."

"Matt is here." I whisper to her and she instantly takes care of it. 

"Matt?" She calls out to him but staring at me the entire time.

"yes, babe?" He comes closer to the couch she's sitting on. 

"Harry is home alone. Maybe you should go on a run with him or something."

"I'm kinda bu-" He looks at me and I avert my eyes but he seems to have picked up on the fact we need time alone. "Taylor, is Harry busy?" He asks me seeming to have resigned himself to the request made by his wife.

"Not that I know of, no." I tell him 

"Cool, I'm gonna give him a call."

"Okay, but maybe you should go change already." Abigail pushes.

"Leave the man alone, Abigail." I whisper while nudging her with my foot and Gigi and Selena chuckle. "I'll finish lunch for you, Matt."

"Umm, sure. Thanks." He smiles. "Will you text me?" He asks Abigail and she nods. 

Before long, Matt is out the door as he's going to meet Harry for a run. 

"I'm about to tell Abigail, Gigi, and Selena. 

You can tell Matt if you want to."

"About the baby?"

I roll my eyes at his question. 

"Yes, Harry. About the baby."

"Okay."

"So?" Selena prompts and I take a quick sip of water. 

"God, it feels like it was just yesterday I gathered you guys to tell you about Harry and me." I sigh. 

"What is it, Taylor?" Gigi whines. 

"So... um..." I sigh after a minute trying to get the words to come out. 

"What?" Abigail asks exasperated. 

"I can't make the words come out." I sigh as I feel the tears burning on the back of my eyes. 

"Tay, you know we support you whatever it is. You've never had trouble sharing anything with us." Selena says.

"I know. It's just hard." I sigh as her hand rubs my leg gently. "I'm just gonna blurt it out. I don't think I'll get this out if I beat around the bush." I say and they nod. "I'm pregnant." I say and the room comes to a stop before the first hiccup of my tears rings through everyone's ears.

"Tay, oh my God." Abigail hugs me first since she was closer but just as quickly, I'm almost suffocated by the arms of the other two.

The sounds of my sobs and the gentle rustling of my clothes as they rub my back are the only sounds in the room for quite a while as they hold me in silence since I don't seem stable enough to say anything else. 

After a while, I start to calm down, and therefore, their arms start to loosen around me.

"Are you ok?" Gigi asks once they let go of me. 

"Yeah." I wipe the tears from my eyes. 

"Tell us everything."

"It was just a lot to assimilate at the time but I've known it since my birthday last year." I tell them. 

"That's understandable." Selena says as she gets me my glass of water. 

"I had been feeling sick on and off since October but I figured I was just tired. Then on the eve of my last show, I was feeling sick again and after I talked to you, Abigail, and you joked about me being pregnant, I went to check and I was actually late. When I landed in Rhode Island for my birthday party, I took some drug store's tests and they all came back positive." I tell them. 

"I remember that." Abigail says. "How far along are you?"

"16 weeks. That's about almost 4 months."

"Wow, Tay." Selena says as they all seem stunned.

"Are you cool with it though or..." Gigi asks.

"I'm cool with it. It's just really hard to tell people still. Especially because my hormones are all over the place. Also because telling my parents and talking about it afterward was traumatizing as hell." I chuckle.

"They freaked out?" Selena asks. 

"Kinda. I was nervous and on edge and I mistook the meaning of some of their words and it became a massive misunderstanding and I yelled and stormed off and it was hell." I laugh. 

"Didn't see that one coming." Selena says and they all laugh as I do too.

"What's Harry saying about this?"Abigail asks. 

"He's cool with it too. We've talked about it and he's actually quite excited about it."

"Good." She smiles. 

"So, are we happy about this?" Gigi asks.

"Yeah. We're happy about this."

"Then I'm so happy for you." She smiles as she kisses my cheek and hugs me again. 

"Congratulations, Tay." Selena says as she too hugs me.

"I'm happy for you, Tay. Congrats." Abigail says when it's her time to hug me. 

"Thank you, guys." I wipe the rest of my tears. "I thought this was gonna be much harder than it actually was." I chuckle and Abigail kisses the top of my head. 

"Have you told anyone else?" Gigi asks. 

"Outside family? No. You guys are the first." She nods. 

"Are you making this public soon?" Selena asks. 

"Not until I absolutely have to." They nod. "Now, let's go. I promised Matt I'd finish lunch for him." 

"It's ok, Tay. We can order in." Abigail says. 

"Trust me, I need to busy my hands and my mind, or else I'll keep crying on and off for no particular reason other than a slight insistent remembrance of the moment I told you guys and the emotions linked to it because that's me nowadays ladies, I cry over everything and nothing at the same intensity." I say and we all laugh.

We head to the kitchen and they help to get things ready as I make some chicken with dumplings.

As lunch is almost ready amidst laughter and lighter conversations, Abigail shoots a text back to Matt letting him know it's safe to come back home and she invites Harry too. 

As soon as I turn the stove off as if on cue, the boys arrive.

Harry instantly notices my face so after greeting all of the girls, he inches closer to me as I clean the counter while Selena and Gigi set the table for our lunch. 

"You ok?" He asks for my ears only. 

"Yeah." I smile. 

"You look like you've been crying. Did it not go ok?" 

"I cried a bit but it went great." I tell him. "It's just me being me and having it exacerbated by me being pregnant." I chuckle.

"Good." He says and I turn to wrap my arms around his neck now. 

He gently wraps his arms around my waist in a gentle hug. 

He sways me from side to side comfortingly before Selena announces the table is set. 

"You ok?" He asks into my hair. 

"Yeah." I answer gently. 

He turns slightly and places a gentle kiss on my cheek before letting me go. 

We sit at the table together before Matt shyly congratulates me over the baby and smiles at me as I thank him. 

All baby talk aside, I help serve everyone and we fall back into friendly and light conversation again. 


	20. Dramatic Affairs - Not tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've been writing a chapter for the past 3 days and today, as I hit 4k words on it, I took a break from it for a second to have lunch with my family, and the unthinkable happened.  
> Evernote fucking corrupted the file somehow and when I came back, the whole chapter was gone.  
> All 4k words of it.  
> That got me down so fast today and I'm so annoyed. :(  
> Now I'm terrified for the other chapters that's been written in Evernote. I'm so scared they'll be corrupted too. How tf do I make a backup of Evernote though?
> 
> Anyways, I was upset so I didn't start to rewrite it yet. I didn't think I'd be in the right state of mind for it and I don't want my own frustration to seep into my words to this story, so I thought I'd release this previously written chapter instead. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it.

"I don't know what to give him." I tell my mom as we walk through the isles of the supermarket.

"Well, you definitely can't top the present he gave you." She says smiling. "Maybe a watch?"

"He's got hundreds of those. He barely switches between 2 of them or so." I say.

"How about clothes?"

"I don't think I know how to shop for him in that department. Have you seen him?"

"How about a ring?"

"Sounds meh." I wrinkle my nose.

"Necklace?"

"He doesn't use a lot of those."

"Books?"

"Generic."

"Honey. I've exhausted all my ideas." She says.

"My point exactly. Me too." I say exasperated and she laughs at my overdramatic antic.

"I'm sure you'll think of something." She says and I sigh.

Two days go by and I have yet to manage to get him anything.

I end up buying him a ring made out of white gold with a beautiful black onyx stone.

I place the order for a new decorated key to represent the keys to my house that'll actually give him when I ask if he wants to move in or maybe do something more permanent than two drawers of his things in my closet.

His birthday is fast approaching and I don't want to mess it up by not giving him the right present.

I leave the order placed and I'm assured to get the ring back 2 days prior to his birthday.

I decide to give him a medal chain too with his initials and mine and a heart, plus a little space to engrave the baby's name when it comes. That should come with the ring.

I'm done shopping for his birthday, which is in about a week and a half.

Harry is out of town to make the announcement with the one direction boys that they're taking a break.

We discussed and thought it'd be better if he wasn't in Nashville with me when news broke out so that they didn't automatically assume it had anything to do with us.

Soon enough those assumptions were going to be made either way, but we didn't need that attention before my last public appearance on the Grammys.

He left with words of "I'll see you soon" and I let him go with words of "it'll be alright."

As soon as the news breaks out, he texts me letting me know it's on and I tell him he's gonna be okay.

The headlines are brutal about how Zayn leaving last year mid-tour essentially broke the band apart.

About Harry's ego and greed being the reason why they could no longer go on together and how his 'romance' with Louis went wrong somehow and that broke them apart.

It was a brutal couple of days with Harry calling me at odd hours of the day and night to cry about how this whole thing was just fucked up.

I swallowed my feelings and tended to his instead, but deep down within me, sat the feeling that when I come to announce my own break, it'll be like this too or maybe even worse.

Days go by before Harry returns to Nashville.

"I missed you so much." He says as soon as I open the door and steps forward to hug me.

"Missed you too." I say as I hug him back. "How are you feeling?"

"Kinda sad to be honest. It was a lot." He says into my neck.

"Figured. I'm so sorry." I say and he sighs.

"Will you come to lie down with me for a bit?" He asks.

"Yeah. Sure."

"I'll go take a shower first though."

"Mkay. Are you hungry?" He shakes his head. "Have you eaten anything though?" He shakes his head again. "You need to eat something then. Maybe a cheese sandwich?"

"Can it be later though? I don't want anything right now."

"Okay, baby. Go shower. I'll wait for you in bed."

He showers for a few minutes before coming out completely naked to lay beside me.

"Can we watch SpongeBob?" He asks and I pick up the remote to get it on Netflix.

He comes to lay his head on top of me. Instantly, my hands caress his hair.

Not even a half hour goes by before he's fast asleep. 

His head pressing down on my chest and the heavy weight of his limbs over me makes me feel uncomfortable this time so I slightly move him laying him on the bed completely so that the blood flow can get back to my leg and my arm.

Once he wakes up again he looks a bit more alert and oriented than when he first came in.

"I fell asleep." He says.

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Hungry?"

"Not really."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"I don't know what to say. It's just a lot of fucked up rumors."

"So I've heard." I sigh. "I'm sorry."

"Do you think it'll be like this when you do yours?"

"Maybe." I downplay it.

"You're not telling me the truth, love." He says as he touches my cheek with his fingers. "I need to know so I can brace myself this time."

"I think it'll be worse." I say.

"Worse how?"

"There were five of you to begin with. Then there were four. But when push comes to shove, all five of you received some blame and called it a day. It's not concentrated on any of you specifically. With me, it's just me. You know? There's no one to share the blame with and no one to back me up as you did for each other. You were in it together when you were a band and you're in it together now while facing the hiatus to go solo. I don't have that. I have always been solo. I have always been my own front line. I have always taken all the blame for anything with my name because as a solo artist, it's what you do. You know? So when I make that announcement, trust me. It'll raise hell up. It's gonna be a lot and people will go wild and will be insanely hard to handle them. My fanbase is very loyal but I've spoiled them a bit so they're also very demanding and high maintenance. And then there's the media... They're gonna eat me alive with all their mean headlines. So it'll be a bit worse than this. There aren't five of me so it'll be just me taking the shots. You know?"

"You have me though."

"Trust me. Not the same thing. Also, publicly? No thank you. It'll make it worse. They'll assume it's about you. Or something. I'll be better off if they don't know about us for now." I say.

"I wish I could help. This whole thing is so fucked up. Like how the fuck did we give them the impression they own us somehow or entitled to us or anything we do? Like what the actual fuck?" He's frustrated.

"They made our dreams come true so I guess this is the price. Horribly high, but it is what it is."

"When are you planning on making that announcement?"

"Don't know yet. Still have to work that out with Tree."

"I have a new publicist now. Don't know her very well."

"Are you gonna work this out with her?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Did I tell you Louis' baby is the cutest?" He changes the subject after a few minutes in silence.

"Did you go in to see him?" I ask.

"Yeah. Louis invited me. He's super cute. And tiny. His name is Freddie Reign."

"That's a cute name. How's Louis with his new baby?"

"He's in aw of him. As is Brianna."

"Can only imagine."

"In a few months it'll be us with a cute and tiny sweet baby." He smiles and I do too.

"Are we gonna announce the pregnancy?"

"I don't know. Do you want to?"

"I don't know. I'm excited but I also wanna make this as easy for you as it can be. I think announcing it would rise up a lot of drama."

"Yeah. But if we announce it, we don't have to stay in Nashville all the time. We can go anywhere without the fear of someone snapping a pic."

"But it'll also raise headlines with your name and that will prompt all paparazzi to follow you. That can go sideways real quick." 

"I know." I sigh. "You think we should keep it a secret then?" 

"I think so, to be honest. Not that I'm not proud of you and our baby, but just that I wanna give you peace." 

"Okay. Maybe it's for the best." 

"Maybe it is, love." 

Three days after that, we meet with our publicists to make an official plan, given how our first meeting was quick and unresolving due to one direction breaking up and us barely knowing how to react to things, let alone work through them.

"What's your plan? Do you want to make this public?" Tree asks me.

"I think so, but also, no." I say sheepishly and she knows what I mean.

"Okay. Pros and cons of making it public.

Pros: you'll have full control over how the news will break out.

You can absolutely make the announcement on your own terms and time.

You get rid of the feeling that someone is constantly watching you. It comes with the territory of having a secret being a big name like you.

It completely erases the need to hide at all if you start showing like, tomorrow.

If you get spotted somewhere, it's no news to anyone.

Cons: People will twist it to make it look like a calculated move on your part. Or a really dumb one.

They will talk about this constantly and will keep demanding information.

Every single interview is going to be about this.

There will be no putting off the offers to take an official coverage of the birth and first picture.

They'll follow you a lot more and everywhere.

Given the issues on almost overexposure we're dealing with right now, there's a chance this will be the last straw to push you into that." She says and I nod. 

"Pros and cons of keeping it private.

Pros: you control the narrative by not letting it out until you're ready.

You can take your time and live your pregnancy without worrying about building or keeping your regular media image.

You avoid negative headlines right now and maybe, diminish their impact when they come later on.

At this point, it'll come regardless. If we make it look like a plan rather than an accident, it'll look better for both of you.

Cons: there's always a chance someone could snatch the control from your hands by publishing about it before you're ready.

Anxiety. The constant fear of being exposed will surely bring that on.

Negative headlines." Tree finishes as I'm in deep thought. 

"I think we should make it public." Lauren, the new publicist says.

"Why?" Tree asks.

"It'll just be less of a hassle to handle. If anyone finds out just randomly, it'll be hell."

"Clearly you have no idea who I am." I say incredulously.

"Of course I do."

"No. You don't. Because if you did, you'd know that 'less of a hassle' isn't a thing with me. Ever." I say.

"Tay, I think she just meant that controlling the narrative would be better." Harry steps in.

"This wouldn't be me controlling the narrative though. This would be me starting the narrative but without having any control over how it's told and being absolutely unable to control where it leads. I can't control people's reactions to this nor can I control the media. This is gonna raise hell no matter when it's told. Don't blame me for wanting to push that negativity off for as long as I can." I bite back.

"I didn't say you have to do it. I'm just saying there's no need to take it like this when the other option could be better. Maybe we can study that idea better." He says pushing his hair back.

"You just had a brush off with the media that tore you apart for being a part of a band that is now on hiatus. You should know better than this. Releasing this information serves the purpose of us not having this looming over our heads. It doesn't serve to appease them nor does it make this any easier. You know that." I say and he groans. 

"While you are new," I say now looking at Lauren. "You have no idea how high profile this actually is. Trust me. Keeping it for as long as I can would be the best option given the fact that regardless of when I release the news, the results are the same. There's no going around this nor is there any way to stop the bad headlines. My name is linked to them forever. For as long as Harry associates with me, you'll always have to think 5 steps ahead because there's no easy way out with me." I tell her and she looks down. 

"I can't give you peace, Harry. You know that I would if I could. But for as long as you're with me, this is what's gonna happen. I'm sorry. We should keep it." I tell him. 

"And then we have to hide 24/7." Harry says frustrated as he pushes his hair back again.

"Correction. I have to hide. You're free to do whatever you want." I tell him with finality and his eyes darken with anger.

"You're coming up on Grammy's in a few weeks. What if you're showing by then?" Lauren asks.

"We'll cross that bridge if we ever get to it." Tree says.

"I wanna tell." Harry says.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because I think it'll be easier to handle this if it's public. I think we should face it head-on."

"I don't think so. I owe then nothing." 

"This isn't about owing anyone anything, though, Taylor. This is about holding on to a secret that has the power to destroy you when the alternative is so much easier." 

"For whom?" 

"Us!" He says exasperated. 

"This isn't the easiest way for me. Regardless of when I tell them, the results are the same. We're not talking results of the announcement here, Harry. We're talking timing. Do I want to handle the negativity now or do I want to wait and handle it later? That's the question." 

"I disagree." 

"I thought we were on the same page about this." I say. "We talked about it and you suggested we keep this off." I say.

"I changed my mind." He says challenges.

"I didn't. We're not telling." I stand my ground.

"Why? Please tell her the risks of us actually keeping this and having it splattered all over the news before we're ready to come forward?" He looks at Tree.

"Having the secret out by others can create a whole narrative of bad headlines for you." Tree says. 

"Is it any different or substantially worse than it would be if I announced it right now?" 

"Not really, no. The information would just be more valuable. People would profit off of it much more than they will if you announce it first."

"And the media coverage? The paparazzi?" 

"Would stay the same." Tree tells me.

"My point exactly. The order of the factors doesn't change the product." I tell Harry.

"Do you want to keep this private?" She asks me.

"Yes." I tell her firmly. 

"Tree, please knock some sense into her rather than just agree with what she thinks. We can have a much smaller blast if we announce this now, rather than either announcing it later or having it plastered by others." He says in deep frustration. 

"Harry, Taylor has made her decision. My job is to do what I can to help her navigate the media with the choices that SHE makes. It's not my job to persuade her in any way nor is it my job to make her decisions for her. I've advised her and she weighed what I said before sticking with the decision she feels is best and we'll go with that." She says calmly.

"Are we through then?" He asks. "Why can't I be a part of any decisions we make?" He asks angrily.

"That'll be all." I say. "Thank you, everyone." I say to both my team and Harry's. 

"I think we should discuss this further." Lauren says. "We haven't reached an agreement."

"I'm sorry, Lauren. But a decision has been made. I want to remind everyone on both teams you are all bound by contract to keep the information until I say otherwise." I say and Harry stares at me for a minute before I say anything else.

"My team and I are bound by contract to Harry only, though." Lauren challenges me.

"Yet you were invited into MY table to discuss MY business. You leak this information by any means and I assure you, I'll rip you a new one in court for that non-disclosure deal you signed on the way in." I shoot to kill and she now knows it. "It isn't Harry you should be afraid of." I let her know.

"Taylor-" Harry intervenes but I'm too far gone at this point. 

"Have we reached an agreement now, miss?" I ask her and she looks at Harry. 

"It's just that Harry-" 

"Harry and I will work this out alone. Over anything else, we are partners to each other. We have a deal in place for this and he will respect my decision as we have previously discussed." She looks at Harry again and I watch carefully as her expression changes once Harry nods. 

"We'll keep it a secret, Lauren." He sighs and tells her and she nods.

"I didn't mean to cross you. It's just that my obligations-" 

"You can cut the rant, Lauren. It's fine." I tell her and she nods. 

"I'll meet you back later. Tree and I have a few other things to discuss." I say looking at Harry and he knows to leave before making it into an even more dramatic affair.

"Fine." He says before getting up to leave.

Tree and I make a plan for the break announcement in the absence of Harry and his team now. 

"Do you think I'm making the wrong decision by making the decision to keep this a secret?" I ask her. 

"You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't." 

"I think so too." I sigh. 

We decide after that that the announcement of my break shall be made a week after the Grammy's, on February 22nd.

After that, I drive home through the long way and under the speed limit. I'm avoiding going home so fast because if I'm being honest, I'm a bit mad at Harry still.

Though at a much slower pace, I do make it home. It's early evening when I do and Harry's watching tv out in the living room.

"Do you want some dinner?" He asks as he comes to meet me out in the entryway with a popcorn bowl in hand.

"No, thanks. I'm gonna head upstairs. Shower and bed. I'm super tired." I say kicking my shoes into the closet and hanging my coat.

"We should talk a bit." He says.

"Not tonight. Please."

"When?" He presses on.

"I don't know. Just give me some time okay? This isn't easy for me."

"Oh. But it's been easy for me." He takes a shot. "Like a walk in the park." He says dripping in sarcasm.

"Not tonight." I say as I walk past him without responding anything else.

"Is this how things are gonna go?" He asks. "You, making decisions for all of us in which I'm not allowed to question nor give an opinion of my own?" He asks.

"When it comes to my body, my career, my name? Yes." I turn back fuming. "You want your opinions to count? Talk them through with me and stick to them when we're working it out there. Changed your mind? Fucking tell me about it. A heads up would be nice." I say.

"Oh yeah. Because the queen of communication has arrived."

"Please. This isn't a communication thing. It's you and your need to-" I cut myself off.

"Finish it. What you were going to say, finish it." He dares and I remain silent. "No?"

"So much for sticking up for me." I sigh.

"I did stick up for you!" He states. 

"Oh is that what you were doing when your dogs attacked me threatening to spill my secrets upon your approval and you just sat there staring at nothing?" 

"I did tell her to keep it, didn't I?" 

"How about telling her she's not allowed to talk to me like that? How about telling her she owes me a minimum of respect if she's going to be let in on my secrets." 

"She wasn't there to represent you, though!" 

"No. She definitely wasn't." I sigh. 

"What do you want, Taylor?" He raises his voice just a bit. He's beyond angry.

"I want you to know that that human being will never again be allowed in a room with my team when I'm discussing my personal business. I want her as far away from me as she can possibly get." I tell him. 

"This wasn't personal, Taylor!" 

"It was for me!" I state. "For me this is personal. This affects my professional life but it is very much personal. I'm sorry for this baby already if all they are is a part of a business to you." 

"That's not what I meant!" 

"I stood there alone defending the best interest of this baby while you were sulking and pouting in the corner!" I say exasperated. 

"I just wanted my voice to be heard." 

"This isn't the way to do that. You let your team talk to me like they own me. As if I'd back down per their requests or yours for that matter." I tell him. "I am a person of my own, Harry. I have been for a long time and this doesn't change that. I back down for no one unless I'm wrong." 

"It's not like you'd let yourself be proven wrong." 

"There's no right or wrong in this. Harry! Can't you see that? This isn't a matter of being right or wrong!!! This is me trying to navigate this as best as I can in order to actually keep my sanity intact. What the hell isn't clicking to you?" 

"You treated me as if I was wrong though. Your words are contracting themselves." 

"I didn't say you were wrong! Not once. I just said there's no easy way out of this. It's gonna be hell regardless of when we tell it."

"Goddammit, Taylor. What do you want?" He seethes. 

"I wanted you to stick up for me. I wanted to count on you. As always though, I'm alone." I sigh. 

"I'm here, aren't I?" He almost shouts.

"Apparently not for long."

"Why? Are you trying to finish it off?"

"You just... You didn't stick up for me on the very first outside sucker punch. Am I supposed to know for sure that you're going to stick around when the rest of the world joins in on the beating that is surely coming?" I ask.

"And we're back to this. Is it ever gonna get some rest?"

"Maybe when you stick around consistently for a while, it will. Maybe when you stop being a flight risk, it will." I blurt out.

"Because to you, I'm nothing else. I don't think I'll ever be anything else to you. You'll never love me completely because to you, I'm never going to stay. Even when I've promised time and again to stay. I've offered myself to you in more ways than I can count, Taylor. Just be honest with me for once and say I'm not enough for you and leave it at that." He sighs.

"Yeah because never have you ever before broken a promise you made to me. Never have you ever broken ME like you broke all your promises. Because you know me so well you can even tell what's on my mind and heart. Sure. You know exactly how to measure my love for you. But I'm never honest, right? So maybe I don't love you at all and all the times you broke my heart over the years was just me pretending for attention. Right?"

"I mean you-" He cuts himself off. 

"Aim for my heart. It's fine. Go for blood." I challenge him. "I'm used to it." I shoot to kill but he half expected that already.

"You haven't let me touch you in months!" He states loudly. "Months, Taylor!" He says and tears come to my eyes. 

"You promised you were ok. You promised you could-" I hiccup suddenly as a few tears roll down my face. "You promised you could wait while I figure things out." I cry.

"I don't know why you keep me around anymore, Tay." 

"What is it? You want sex? Is that all there is to this relationship? Then have me!" I state angrily. "Have me!" I tell him again. "Now! I'm all yours." I take my shirt off while crying still. "This is all that matters, to you. Right? I'm good. Have me!!!" I challenge again and he doesn't move. 

"You keep taking things out of context." 

"Me? Oh. You brought sex into this mess. Not me!" 

"I just meant that maybe you don't want me at all and you just... Damn it. I just wanted to be heard." He says.

"And I did. I heard you."

"You literally said "that will be all" and essentially cut off any chance of me discussing this any further. Please."

"We talked this through though. We weren't there to talk. You and I. We were there to be advised. We were advised. I stuck with the decision we had previously made." I explain.

"Yet, you didn't grant me the right to actually change my mind. You set that in stone." He says.

"I didn't. We did. We talked it through. Right here in this house. We talked it through. You were supposed to back me up."

"You were supposed to treat me like an equal. Instead, I practically live in YOUR house, which you've never asked me to move into in the first place, YOUR city, with YOUR family around, with all of YOUR stuff everywhere and we discussed what you call YOUR business in YOUR table and YOUR opinion always prevails. Nothing is ever mine."

"Are you kidding me?" His eyes challenge me. "We're in the middle of a fucking high profile pregnancy and you're worried about my decorations, places, and stuff? Fucking tear this down and rebuild it then. Do you want to redecorate? Do it! Do you want the next meeting to be at your publicist's building? Fine. Do you wanna move to another goddamn house? We can do that too! Do you think I fucking care?"

"You don't seem to care about much of anything that even remotely matters to me, really." He swings to hurt and he knows it.

"Then fucking leave!!!!" I yell finally. "If I'm not at all what you want, leave me then. If I'm so manipulative, controlling, insane, dramatic and just a horrible human being, LEAVE! I told you. I won't hold it against you. I won't prevent you from being here when you want for the baby. It's your baby and you can come to see them as you please. But don't stay because you feel like you owe it to me or because you feel like it's the right thing to do."

"Yes. Dare me to leave. Because that solves everything." He says. "You keep saying how I'm a flight risk but maybe it's you. You're the flight risk. When you want, you pull away. That's basically you fleeing without ever going anywhere so it's always blamed on me. What is it? Am I not doing it for you anymore?"

"I'm not pulling away, though."

"Months." He yells and I sob.

"I have more in my mind than just sex." I tell him amidst tears. "Is sex the only way I can show you I want you?" I ask seriously. 

"Of course not." He sighs deeply.

"You made it sound like it is." 

"It isn't." He sighs. "I didn't mean it." 

"You just wanted to hurt me." It isn't a question so he looks down.

"I'm just saying that we are not the same." 

"Of course we are not!" I tell him wiping furiously at my tears. "I'm having a baby!" I shout. "Your baby." I fall back to a normal tone. 

"And I wanna support you, I do." 

"You just haven't figured out how so you're inclined to leave. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not your favorite town any longer and that's why you keep staring out the window."

"I'm not though." 

"You want to let the world in on our secret for what then? You want approval. You want praise. You wanna be impressive. You wanna be accepted. You want them. You want them even if it's at the detriment of me. I am no longer your favorite town and I'm no longer enough." 

"Don't twist this out on me."

"That's all I ever do though. Right? Calculate things and twist them on my favor." I say.

"This is a conversation. It's not a character evaluation."

"It doesn't feel like it." He steps towards me sighing and I step backward raising my hand to stop him. "I can't talk to you when we're like this. I'm gonna go shower and go to bed. I said not tonight. You should've listened to me."

I turn on my back and go upstairs to the bedroom.


	21. We can't talk when we're like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, lovely people...  
> Here's another update to our wild ride.  
> Hope you guys enjoy it.

_"Were we crazy to think this could work?_

_I can't talk to you when you're like this._

_Staring out the window like I'm not your favorite town._

_I'm New York City. ~~You say~~ I still do it for you, babe._

_You can't talk to me when I'm like this._

_Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you._

_You're the West Village. You still do it for me, babe."_

I write the words in my journal while sitting in bed after showering.

There's no way of denying that I have been crying insistently so instead of trying anymore, I just take that as an opportunity to cry everything else out.

My head hurts a bit and my face is all puffy and red by the time he opens the door.

"Can I come in?" He asks.

"Yeah." I rasp out.

He comes in and sits at what is now known as his side of the bed.

"Do you want me to sleep in another room?" He asks without turning to look at me.

"You can sleep wherever you want." I say sharply.

"I want to sleep here." He says.

"I'm not preventing you from doing so. Am I?"

"Can you please just drop this?" He sighs and I remain silent. "Can we please work this out? I don't like to fight with you."

"Just go to bed. I'm tired and emotional and I want to process things before saying anything else. We're better off this way."

"Tay, please." He looks down.

"You can't even look at me, Harry. Don't "Tay" me."

"I don't like it that you're keeping your feelings to yourself."

"You don't have to like it, you just have to deal with it." I say.

"Do you want me to call your mom?" He looks at me for the first time and I notice he too has been crying.

"What for?"

"So you can talk to her since you don't want to talk to me."

"And tell her what exactly? That you just hurt me again and I hurt you too? Because that's gonna make her feel real at ease with us being together."

"I'm just trying to help." He says.

"Let me be. That helps." I say as I close my journal and lean back to actually go to bed.

As I shut the lights off on my side, a new wave of fresh tears fall from my eyes but this time, I keep it silent.

Morning doesn't come fast enough. 

I can't sleep. I keep tossing and turning over and over and over again.

His words ringing constantly in my head.

He's awake too. I'm aware. He too can't sleep.

Eventually, I sit up in bed.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Fine. Just a headache." I say.

"Do you want anything?"

"No. I'm good." I say.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pick a fight." I sigh. "Can we talk about this please?" He asks and instantly, just the idea of it brings tears to my eyes. 

"I can't talk about it yet."

"Taylor. Please?" I sigh. "Talk to me. Please?"

"You were supposed to back me up." I say. "We had talked about this and YOU suggested we should keep it a secret so I made up my mind based on your words and then you changed your mind and didn't tell me, then proceeded to make me feel like I somehow have been ignoring you or going over your head all the time? That's not fair." I say as the tears continue to roll down.

"It's how I feel."

"Then you need to tell me how you feel. Preferably in private so we work this out before exposing that publicly. You suggested this, not me. I based my decision off of your words."

"But then I changed my mind and you refused to even consider what I had to say." 

"I heard you. I considered the things you said but I still don't want this to be public yet."

"But why?" 

"Because I cried when I told my friends about the baby!" I state firmly. "Because I still wanna cry when I think-" I sob. 

"What, Taylor? When you think about what?" 

"I still wanna cry because I'm scared I won't know how to be a mom and because I sometimes think you'll leave me when you realize I can no longer be 1989 Taylor who let you fuck her in hotel rooms and after-parties. I still wanna cry when I think about the fact that maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom because my life is insane and I'll end up fucking this baby up. I wanna protect this baby from undergoing media scrutiny for as long as I can. I'm terrified it'll feel all the hate I'm getting and it'll feel unwelcome and I'm gonna lose them or I don't know!" I cry.

"I know. I'm sorry. Forget what I said. I can't take it back but I sure wish I could. I'm sorry."

"You said I'm a flight risk too but somehow I'm always the one sinking with this ship because I never want to leave first. I always get hurt. It isn't fair. I'm not trying to push you away, but it feels like I'm constantly waiting for you to leave me anyway but it's because you have before. And then when you were supposed to back me up and make me feel like I can fall back into you, you cracked under pressure and bailed on me."

"Changing my mind is now cracking under pressure?"

"What made you change your mind?"

"I'm happy. I want people to know it."

"Why does that matter to you though? It never has before. Why do you want to make this public? As soon as you put it out there, we'll lose control over it."

"It doesn't matter, I guess. I don't know. I just didn't want to hide anymore."

"But I'm not asking you to."

"Don't you see, though? I'm in this with you. If you hide, I'll hide too."

"But why does it bother you so much that the world doesn't know? It's none of their business."

"I know."

"Why can't you understand how scared I am of this?"

"I know you're scared. So am I."

"I'm on the blink of overexposure. If it comes to that, it'll end me. I don't want that. Why is it that my emotional safety and my career don't seem important to you under this topic?"

"That's not true though."

"It's how I feel."

"Can you take a second and consider how I feel though? I feel like I'm not an equal here. YOU make the decisions. YOU make the call. Always. When do I get to do that?"

"I hear you. But what were you trying to do here? Did you go against me just to prove that you could? If your opinion is the same as mine, doesn't that count for anything? Because it was in this case. I based the decision off of your words. But then you went against it what, to spite me?"

"Of course not."

"Then why aren't you feeling heard?" I sob.

"I don't know." He sighs and I just cry for a minute.

"You rubbed the lack of sex on my face today." I almost whisper. 

"Tay, I didn't mean that." 

"You did though. You keep throwing things on my face over and over and over again and then you go back and say you didn't mean it. But if you didn't, how come you said it?" 

"I wasn't trying to pressure you into it. I'm just scared too." 

"Scared of what?" 

"That you'll leave me. That you'll think I'm not enough and you'll leave because you deserve better." 

"Why would you think that? You know that I won't." 

"It isn't easy dating you, you know?" He says and I cry. "Not like that." He hurries to say. "It's just that by dating you, I feel like the bar is so high I can't quite reach it. I'm expected to be certain things that I can't quite grasp."

"You don't wanna be a father." I whisper watching him and he sighs. "I'm not terminating. You can leave if you want but I'll keep this baby." I place my hand over my belly even though nothing is showing there yet.

"That's not what I'm saying." He rubs his hands in his face. 

"Then stop beating around the bush and tell me what it is that you mean!" 

"I feel like I have so much maturing to do before I'm at your level and I have nothing figured out in my life, and I just got a hiatus on my career and I just... I have nothing figured out." He sighs. "Yet, I'm expected to know how to handle this and how to be exactly what you want and I'm exhausted." 

"I never asked for any of that. Your maturing process is your own, Harry. You're gonna be someone's dad in a few months, then what? Am I gonna become a parent to both you and the baby? Because I swear, I can't. 

You're already everything I wanted and I never needed anything more than what you were offering. You are the one who constantly feel trapped and eventually start to itch to experiment and live different things. You left me because you wanted to party and be young-" 

"That's not why we ended." He cuts me off. 

"You're right. You left me because you wanted to stop feeling pressured into growing and stepping up for me then and you're gonna leave me because you want to stop feeling pressured into maturing fast now."

"You're the one who has me at your feet though, yet you make no effort to keep me." 

"No effort." I laugh sarcastically. "I'm bending backwards trying as hard as I can to not let history repeat itself between us while you sulk and pout around like a child, Harry." 

"I live at your house!" He pushes. "Everything is always yours." 

"I told you. Do you wanna tear this house down and rebuild it? Do it. Do you wanna buy a fucking house so we can live in it instead? We can do that too." 

"I just... This is so hard. I don't wanna pull you from your family and your friends." 

"Then stop rubbing this on my face!" I cry. "What even is up with that? You're here to be with your baby and I thought you were here to stay with me too regardless of where." 

"And I am! But imagine if you moved all the way to London to be with me and I just left you hanging in there without ever addressing it. How would that make you feel?" 

"Within two months?" 

"Ugh. You're just... You drive me insane, Taylor. You truly do." He sighs in annoyance. 

I pick up the small box from under the bed and placed it in his hand.

"What is it?" He asked.

"I had it made for your birthday."

"Why are you giving it to me now?"

"I was gonna give it to you then with a nice speech that I wrote to you. But you decided tonight that you knew exactly how I felt and assumed a lot of things so open it."

"I said I was sorry." He said still not opening the box.

"You're not sorry. You're scared of upsetting me because my support system is here and yours isn't. But it's ok. Open it." 

"I didn't mean half of the things I said tonight, Tay." He says refusing to open the box.

"But you did. You meant it somehow. It was there. Somewhere in the back of your mind and you blurted it out to hurt me."

"That's not true."

"Open the box, Harry." I demand.

He sighs deeply and slowly he opens the small little black box in his hand only to reveal one decorative key.

"What is this?"

"Damn it, Harry. I wrote an entire speech for this. Now I can't remember a single word of it. But here." I say lifting the little pad with the decorative key off to reveal a regular set of keys. "I made keys for you. I was gonna ask you to move in with me because I want you to feel at home too. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to convert someplace in this house into your closet. I'm not trying to keep you away. I'm not ruling everything while treating you like a peasant. I'm trying to include you. To be your equal. Don't you dare ever again assume anything about my feelings. Ever." I say and he cries and I do too.

"I'm so sorry." He says as he pulls me into his chest. "I'm so sorry I ruined the whole thing." He cries. "I'm so sorry I made a mess of us today." 

He hugs me tight to his chest for a while before we end up lying back into bed together.

It's a restless night of dreamless sleep.

When we wake up in the morning, most of everything is talked though but the atmosphere is still heavy and the tension can be cut through with a knife.

The little box sits in his nightstand now.

Neither of us has the courage to talk about it yet so instead, we lay in bed together just staring at any parts of each other's but each other's eyes, completely ignoring the elephant in the room until he speaks again. 

"I'm really sorry about last night." He whispers. 

"I know." 

"I didn't mean to pick a fight like that. I'm so sorry. I assumed a lot about you and I made a huge dramatic mess and it was unfair to you. I'm sorry." 

"Okay." I sigh. 

"Do you wanna talk through anything else?" He asks and I shake my head slightly. 

"Do you?" 

"Yes, actually." He says and I tense up slightly. 

"What?" 

"You said a few things-"

"I'm sorry for the things I said to hurt you." I hurry to tell him. 

"That's ok. I hurt you first. You had a right to fight back." 

"Fight back is different than shooting to kill and that's what I did. I'm sorry." 

"Ok." He says as his fingers touch my fingertips. "But that's not what I want to discuss." 

"O-kay." I say carefully. 

"You talked about the reasons why you sometimes cry and-" 

"I don't wanna talk about it." I tell him as I pull my hand back as if on instinct. 

"Tay, I'm just trying to understand and help." 

"Have you ever fallen off a tree or something like that?" 

"Um. No. Have you?" 

"I have, actually. Hurt a lot." I tell him. "Have you ever fallen off your bike?" 

"Yeah." He looks at me carefully since he knows I'm building a point. 

"Did you get hurt a lot?" 

"Yeah. Lots of scratches and bruises and skinned both my knees." 

"Were you ok right the next day?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Did the scratches and bruises and skinned knees disappear the next day or did you sport them for a while and walked sorta funny for the duration of it?" 

"They were there still, yeah." 

"That's how I feel right now. Bruised." I look into his eyes for the first time. 

"Tay..." He whispers. 

"It'll get better and I'm gonna be ok and back to normal soon. But right now, I'm bruised. I need time, Harry. I need time to heal before the bruises of last night's fight disappear. I need some time. Ok?" 

"Do you need me to go somewhere else for a couple of days? Maybe a hotel or something?" 

"No." I tell him simply. 

"What do you need?" 

"Just... Just don't agitate me any further. I'll come to you when I'm ready to talk about it." I say and he nods staring deep into my eyes before I turn and get up from the bed. 

The rest of the day is just a weird vibed, tension-filled, awkward dance of us trying to exist around each other while trying to not rile each other up any more than the day before has already done. 

The next morning, I'm feeling slightly better but the anxiety of having this fight sort of unresolved between us eats away at me so I sit in bed with a cup of hot tea in between my hands waiting for him to wake up. 

"Morning." He mumbles as soon as he opens his eyes. 

"Morning." I reply. "I'm ready." I tell him. 

"O-kay." He rubs his eyes. 

"When you're ready, I'm ready." 

"Love, you need to give me a minute to wake up." 

"You're talking to me, so you're awake. When you're ready, let me know." I tell him before heading downstairs to put the cup down. 

Not too long after that, he comes to find me. 

"Okay, we can talk now." He says and I nod. 

"What do you wanna talk about?" 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Ok."

"Yesterday you told me you felt bruised and you needed time. I doubt that bruising went away in just a day." 

"It didn't. But I need this conversation done in order to let things go." 

"Ok." He sighs. "Reasons why you cry." He states. 

"What about them?"

"I wanna understand them better so that we can work through them or so that I can support you better." 

"I'm filled with anxiety. That's what that whole thing comes down to. I'm filled with anxiety and I have always been." 

"I know that. I just wanna sort through them." 

"Okay." I sigh. 

"You cried when you told your friends about the baby. What does that mean?" 

"I'm still terrified about the knowledge that in a few months I'll have a baby. I'm scared and I still catch myself wondering what will be when this baby comes." 

"What are you scared of?" 

"That I won't be a good mom." I choke back the tears. 

"You're gonna be an amazing mom, Tay." 

"No amount of you telling me that is gonna make my anxieties about it go away." I tell him. 

"What will make it better?" 

"I don't know." I sigh. 

"Ok. What else are you scared of?"

"I'm scared I'll fuck this baby up. My life is insane. It's not even born yet and already it's seeing so much trouble and issues and anxiety." 

"You slowed down though. It won't always be like this." 

"Which brings me to the next topic." I tell him and he nods. "I'm still petrified that at some point sooner or later you're gonna notice that I'm no longer 1989 Taylor. That Taylor is more than I can handle now and she can't exist anymore. She used to let you fuck her in hotel rooms and after-parties and kiss her until she ran out of breath and then she'd be gone from your life before any strings could form. Now, this Taylor is calmer and looking to settle down and I don't know if that's what you want." 

"This Taylor needs to know that though I did love 1989 Taylor, it doesn't mean that I don't love this Taylor or that I won't love the next one. The one that this Taylor is gonna turn into should the months progress a bit." He smiles. "I fell in love with a Taylor that used to have long curly hair and I couldn't have her then, but I loved her through it. 

And then she became a vintage girl with straight hair and I loved her still and then she morphed into this short-haired super popular girl that completely switched gears and I loved her through that too. What makes you think I wouldn't love the next era of you?" 

"Because the next era Taylor includes an unplanned baby and uncertainty. More than any other Taylor has ever seen." 

"You think that scares me?" 

"It should." 

"Let me tell you what scares me. What scares me is the thought of not having you in my life or worse yet, having you in my life but only as a friend because I blew it with you yet again. What scares me is that someday you're gonna let go because I keep messing up and maybe you're gonna find that I'm not worth it. That scares me. You not knowing what you'll be next is definitely not scary. I don't think anyone knows who they are all the time. I think they just pretend to know. 

I think it's ok to not know." He says and a few tears slip down my face. "You're okay." He rubs my legs as I try to control the crying. 

"I'll get so much hate when this comes out." 

"I know." 

"I'm scared the baby will feel it and I don't know... I'm scared I'll lose it or it'll grow up to hate me for bringing it into a world of hate and magnified media coverage of its life." 

"I'm truly skeptical that this could happen. I think babies come programmed to love their mommies and be grateful for them. About the hate thing, we can protect it. We can hold this off until we're absolutely obligated to handle it." He says and I nod. "What can I do to make you feel better?" 

"Nothing. It'll go away once I sort through them." 

"Can I do anything to make that process easier?" He asks and I think about it for a minute. 

"I'm mad at you." I pout. 

"I know." He says. 

"You hurt me." 

"I know." 

"I hurt you too." 

"I know."

"Hold me?" 

"Always." He says before I launch myself into his arms while wrapping both my arms around his neck as I hide my face in his neck. 

He smells my neck and rubs my back up and down a few times before the first sob leaves my mouth again. 

He pulls me into his lap and I straddle him as he holds me close. 

He pulls me as close as I can go and rubs my back while I release all the bottled up emotions I had kept inside. 

My tears take a long time to subside this time but when it does, I feel about 100 years younger and 500 pounds lighter.


	22. I still do it for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys!!!  
> I promise I worked so hard to get this chapter out this weekend. (No, I didn't)  
> And when I missed that self-imposed deadline, I swear I tried to get this chapter out this morning. (No, I didn't)
> 
> At least I managed to post it the day I said I would. lmao
> 
> You see, I have a pretty flexible life, but I live by the notion of ALWAYS prioritizing myself now, because before when I didn't, life became too much (Hence the 8 years break on writing).  
> I vowed to never make that mistake again. 
> 
> So this weekend I spent a lot of time with my family and had so much fun playing with my nieces and nephews. 
> 
> What does that matter to you guys, you might be asking?  
> Well, it put me in a very good mood and made me realize I'm only 4 chapters away from the ending of this story and that means soon enough, I'll start posting a massive amount of chapters together because it is not my intention nor is it my best interest to keep you guys hanging on while I post chapters one by one. That takes time and keeps me tied to a story that will be by then done and over with in my mind and heart.
> 
> Instead, I want this story done so that I can write different things and work on different projects.  
> Just beware that this isn't a promise of new stories or anything. I don't know what my newest ideas are yet or if I'll ever post whatever comes from them. I just wanted you guys to know what the plan for this story is.
> 
> Anyways, I rewrote parts of this chapter because I did rewrite parts of the last one too so, I had to follow through with the things I said in there. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it.

"A whole week of this awkward dance between Harry and I go by. 

If I didn't let Harry touch me before because I was overwhelmed, now the issue was twice as big and had grown two heads.

He didn't want to pressure me into it so he never made anything more than subtle moves towards me. 

One slight kiss on my neck here. 

One gentle nuzzle on my breast before bed there.

One soft rub of hands over my center disguised as regular bedtime caressing in the dark just thrown carelessly into the vast existence of the tension between us. 

One quiet kiss on my lips now and then. 

So subtle that if I didn't know him, it would surely go over my head.

He didn't want to pressure me, but he didn't want to lose me so he thought he needed to establish a normal relationship between us again and so he was desperately grasping at nothing and fighting silently to get us back to what we knew. 

Sex. 

But he didn't want to pressure me so he tiptoed around me all week long. 

Harry, in deep regret of the mess he made, never spoke of the keys I gave him and never took them out of the box. 

In a silent agreement, neither of us dared to touch the box again and in the back of my mind, I could almost picture it as some unknown creature that could burn us both to the ground should we even try to touch it, let alone tame it. 

In reality, whatsoever, that's just an inanimate object whose power lies not within itself but on the force of the implied truth that it represents. 

I spoke of forever through that set of keys and the power to destroy us lies exactly in that notion. 

I don't doubt he loves me. He does. I know he does. But I also know Harry is still that kid that is absolutely scared of deep connections and commitment. He's still as ready to bolt as he was at 18. 

He is here right now but he's like a wild fox. I feel like if I threaten to cage him, he'll run so fast and so far out of my reach, I'll never be able to catch up. 

Yet, this time, I do believe he's ready to grow up. Not to marry me. Not yet. I don't think either of us is ready for that. 

But I think he's ready to start growing up and owning up to what he feels while also keeping his heart open to receive what I've already perceived as the love of a lifetime coming from a place in my soul that has never known a love greater than this one. 

You see now how difficult sex has become? 

What if I fail? 

What if I can't be what he expects? 

What if it doesn't feel the same way? 

What if I can't do it for him anymore? 

What if... What if he realizes he no longer wants me since I can't offer the same experience as before? 

But then there's also the fact that I've been gaining and losing weight a lot in a very much uncontrollable manner. 

Much like a rollercoaster, sometimes I'm way up high and sometimes I'm so low it doesn't even feel like anything at all. 

I hate that this is something on my mind right now but... But what if he doesn't like the extra weight I've put out this month? 

Harry has always known me as the girl with a tiny waist and a slim and tall body. What if he hates the weight? I don't think I can bear it if he does. 

I want him to hold me all the time because in my life, except for my mom's, I've never known arms that could calm me and center me and bring me a sense of peace within myself as his arms can. 

I wanna be close to him because I love him so much it hurts when he's not around. I want him so much because he's the sweetest guy in the world and he's funny and gentle and soft and careful and beautiful. 

I want him to hold me so he can make this whole turmoil better. Because I know he can do that. 

I want him to hold me, but when he does, he burns me so deep within my soul I'm not sure I'm even alive anymore. 

I can't keep putting out the fires he sets in my heart but the fires keep catching both when he holds me and when he doesn't too. 

So I want him to hold me. 

But I don't wanna burn anymore.

I can't breathe most days because on the pit of my stomach I keep thinking about where the hell this is going.

I fear that we have started it again. Set it into motion somehow, if you will. The demise of us, I mean. 

He burns me and it hurts but I want him so I stay. But then he keeps burning me and it keeps hurting but I love him so I stay.

That quietly becomes an endless cycle with one single way of breaking out of it. By breaking apart. 

I can never do that though. Not at first. Not when I'm still whole. I can't do it until I have nothing else to fight for. Until we have burned through every promise and every last drop of love. But by then, I'm ash from his fire. I'm the Titanic and he's the water. He pulls me under and under and under until I can't breathe anymore and that's when I'm forced to let go. 

Yet, I want him to hold me. Everyday. Every hour. I want him to hold me. 

I want him to hold me because he makes me whole. He mends my broken bones. He tenders to my wounds. He draws stars around my scars. He kisses me better. He knows me. He knows me and he loves me for it. 

I want him to hold me because he'll never say that I'm unlovable no matter how mad at me he is. I can press him all I want but he'll never say it because he doesn't believe the name suits me. 

I want him to hold me because my reputation is breaking, my image is shattering, my stokes are slowly getting as low as they could possibly go and my name is coming to a point where it's worth absolutely nothing, but he still wants me. He still grins and thrives under any compliment I give him because to him I'm still The Taylor Swift ™. 

At the same time, though, to him, I haven't changed. To him, I'm still that curly-haired girl with an overly excited demeanor, who ended up breaking through so hard her name went up in lights higher than the empire state but was always so true to herself that she kept being excited over things like people showing up to her shows. To him, I haven't changed. I've grown, but not changed. 

I want him to hold me because I love him and I wanna be with him. I want to love him and I want to be loved by him. I want it all. 

I want him to hold me because I feel safe with him. 

I want him to hold me because he wants me deep within his soul too and that's all I've ever wanted. 

Tonight, I plan on doing it. I plan on breaking the cycle. Not by the termination of us. Tonight I'm gonna find another way out of this mess and I'll punch a hole in the wall to get through if I have to. This time I get to keep him and he gets to keep me.

Maybe this time I'll win.

Taylor Swift, January 26th, 2016."

I close my journal and place it back on my nightstand before coming to find him downstairs.

"Can we talk?" I ask as I sit down with my legs tucked under myself. 

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?" 

"Can we do it upstairs?" 

"Yeah. Everything okay?" He asks as he gets up to follow me. 

"Yeah. Yeah." I tell him. 

We sit on the bed together staring right into each other's face.

"What is it? You're making me nervously, Tay." He chuckles. 

"Don't be." I sigh. "It's ok. It's just something that occurred to me." 

"Okay." He says carefully. 

"I-" I shake my head slightly. "I don't know how to talk about this so I'm just gonna blurt it out, I think." I say and he nods. 

"Go ahead." 

"I just... Umm." I say and instantly cover my face with my hands. 

"You kinda need to like... Elaborate on that, love." He says calmly and I shake my head. 

"Maybe I should show you instead." I say with my eyes still closed. 

"Okay." He says. 

I slowly let my hands fall from my face and I reach for the hem of my shirt slowly pulling it off of my body.

"Love..." He looks at my chest and then back up at my face. 

"I love you and I don't wanna lose you. I'm overwhelmed and scared with everything that has been going on but one thing I know for certain is that I want you and I love you." I say. 

"Okay." He says. "I love you. You know that. But I truly don't understand this, darling. I'm trying. I promise you, I'm trying to get it but I haven't yet."

"There's nothing to understand, babe. I'm yours and I have a deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have been yours since the day we kissed for the first time. I gave this a lot of thought and I find myself missing you and craving your touch and I just... I want you to touch me and..." I stop talking. "Do you not wanna do that?" I almost whisper.

"Of course I do, Tay. I love you and I love us. And I've been wanting you every day since long before we even met." He says and I smile. "But I don't want it if this is a result of my stupidity during the fight." He hurries to say. 

"Ok." I sigh. "It kinda is, to be honest." I say and he deflates. "But I miss us. I miss the connection. I miss... I miss being yours. And I want us to be ok. I want this tension to end." 

"I mean, I can understand that. But I don't want you to do this solely because you think it's what we should do or because I said some stupid stuff about it when I was angry. You know that I love you. I do. Whatever you wanna do, we can do. I just don't want us to use sex as a shovel to bury our feelings and fears." 

"I'm not trying to bury them. But when I'm with you, I feel alive. I feel... Okay. Regardless of everything else. I love you with everything in me and when I'm thrown over the edge with you, I feel a different connection and I want that." 

"I see. I feel it too." He looks at me. "I wanna do it, love. But I truly think that under the pressure of this conversation, neither of us is gonna do good." He says and I nod. "So maybe we should just let things go in order to find our normal flow?" 

"Yeah. I'm just saying that we can do it. Doesn't have to be tonight." I shrug and he nods. 

"Do you want it to be tonight?" He asks and I think about it for a second before shrugging.

"I think I'd rather it be a more natural initiative." I smile and he does too. 

"Yeah. I think so too." He smiles before kissing my cheek. "Doesn't mean that I can't take some advantage of your shirtless situation, right?" He whispers on my ears and bites me while pulling me into his arms to tickle me. 

"Stop." I laugh uncontrollably. "Uncle." He keeps going. "Harry!" I trash around as he tickles me mercilessly for the next minute before finally stopping. 

"Dork." He kisses my cheek again. 

"Not fair. I wasn't prepared. I did not remove my shirt for you to pull this on me." I pout playfully. "It's all red now." I show him my ribs where his fingers grazed me not 2 minutes ago.

"Oh, baby. I couldn't resist it." He smirks. "How about I kiss it better?" He asks before he places a gentle kiss on my collarbone. 

"It'll take more than just one kiss." I huff playfully. "Also, you're kissing the wrong spot." 

"Oh. Am I?" He asks as he places another kiss on my collarbone. "Is it not here?" I shake my head so he places a kiss over the top of my breast. "Was it somewhere around here?" He asks.

"Maybe. I think it's a bit south from there though." 

"Right here, love?" He kisses my lower belly. 

"A bit north." I say so he gets on top of me before he kisses my lips. 

"Right here?" 

"Kiss it again so I know for sure." I say and he places another kiss on my lips. 

"Was it here?" 

"I think so but I'm not sure." I smirk and he kisses me slowly and deeply. 

"Are you sure now?" 

"I think it wasn't here. The spot is a bit south to the right." 

"Is it here?" He places a kiss on my right hip. 

"Went too far south, baby. Back up a bit."

"Right here?" He kisses my ribs. 

"Just a little bit north and closer to the center."

"Right here?" He places a kiss at the end of my sternum. "Oh. Wait. It's here, isn't it?" He places a kiss in the middle of my sternum. 

"Just slightly to the side now, baby." 

"Which side?" 

"Both." I say and his eyes darken slightly. 

He places a kiss on top of my nipple now through the bra. 

"Right here, baby?" He asks and I nod. 

"Right there." 

"Maybe it'd feel better faster if I kissed it without the bra." He smirks. "What do you think?" 

"I think you might be right." I say and arch off the bed so he can unclasp my bra for me. 

Once it's discarded somewhere at the feet of the bed, Harry places a gentle kiss on each of my nipples. 

"Better?" 

"Not yet. Kiss it again." I smirk and he does too. 

He kisses my nipples several times before he takes it inside his mouth while swirling his tongue around it. 

Before long he switches to the other nipple and offers it the same treatment. 

It doesn't take long before I'm a panting and moaning mess with my hands held by his while his body presses into mine. 

He lets go of my hands to pull off his own shirt. 

I run my hands over his body and he kisses me slowly. 

Almost as an unconscious movement, I push his shorts down and he looks at me for a second before helping me get rid of his shorts and underwear before we do the same to my own shorts and underwear.

He continues to explore my body with gentle but urgent kisses until he reaches my hips. 

"You're torturing me, babe." I tell him and he smirks before coming up to hover just inches from my face again. 

"Tay..." He trails off but I understand the silent warning of the frail road we're treading into right now. 

"I know." I whisper. "I'm ok." 

"Are you sure?" He whispers on my ears as his whole body moves once to create some friction. 

"Yes." I whisper back and he nods.

He kisses my neck a few times before he's ready. 

Carefully, he lines up to my entrance and watches my face closely as he pushes slowly inside. 

"Is this ok, love?" 

"Yeah. Just give me a minute to adjust." I breathe slowly and he caresses my cheek with his free hand. 

This is a known path for us. 

It isn't the first time he has had to break through my resistance so he knows me well enough to read the signs my body gives off. 

Once he feels me relax slightly, he pushes in again and stops when I wince again and he repeats the process until he bottoms out into me. 

"Are you ok, love?" He asks as he gently kisses my cheek. 

"Good." I say and he kisses my lips now. 

One. Two. Three kisses before he starts to pull back and push right back in. 

It takes him a little bit longer to throw me over the edge this time given how my emotions have been all over the place but without fail, he very much does it before he reaches it himself and collapses on top of me. 

"Are you good?" He asks me after a minute and I nod. "I need some words, baby." He says as he drops to my side.

"I'm good." I tell him as I turn to snuggle him. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Finally at peace." I tell him and he chuckles before kissing my lips. 

"That good, huh?" He laughs. 

"You are good at many things, babe. But at this? You're exceptional." I smile and he blushes. 

"Says the goddess herself." He kisses me. 

"I thought you wanted to wait a bit though." I laugh. 

"I mean, I did." He laughs too. "I didn't tickle you so I could get in your pants. Though I'm not at all complaining that I did." He laughs. 

"You dork." I laugh. 

"Did I manage to kiss it better, baby?" He teases. 

"You did, you dork." I kiss his lips and he gently caresses my back. 

"Let's go clean up." He laughs before pulling me up. 

We go to bed content tonight and very much tangled up with each other after feeling at least 200 pounds lighter. 

You see, it's not that sex fixes everything. It doesn't. 

But it does help us put things in perspective and let go of stupid things that we build up inside both against each other as well as against ourselves. 

His birthday is in 2 days now. The rest of his presents should be arriving today.

We spend most of the day minding our own business.

When his presents arrive, I put them in my closet this time.

The next morning he flies to LA to work out last-minute details for his birthday and I'm left alone for the whole day until he returns tonight.

I bake him a cake and decorate it with orange and white frosting. I'm happy with the results. I carefully write down Happy Birthday on it with blue icing and put it in the fridge so it doesn't start melting.

I have a long enough time to actually open up all the windows and ventilate the house before he arrives so it doesn't give away the notion that I baked him a cake.

I make dinner and wait for him to return but when he finally does, somewhere after 8 pm, I'm so tired I'm already fast asleep on the couch.

"Let's go to bed." He whispers into the dark close to my ear and I realize that I had fallen asleep.

"Oh." I look up and realize he's showered already. "When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago." He says.

"I made dinner but you were taking so long so I ate it." He laughs. "I saved you some. It's in the fridge."

"I know, love. Thank you. I ate it."

"How did you know it was yours though?" I tease and he chuckles.

"You left a post it with my name on it." He says.

"Touché." We both laugh a bit.

We head into bed and soon, I'm asleep again.

Morning comes and the sun is aggressively shining through the windows.

"Good morning, baby." I say as I turn to look at him and my lips are just inches from his.

He gently kisses me.

"Good morning." He smiles as he rests his lips on mine now. His eyes closed. "Are we gonna get up?" He asks.

"Do you want to get up yet?" I smirk.

"What's for breakfast?" He asks without opening his eyes.

"Me." I smirk again and he looks up grinning like the devil. I know what I just did to him. None of it is unintentional.

He kisses me again. Deeply and slowly. His hands roaming my body carefully and adoringly. He's deep into the moment.

It doesn't take long before I feel his length pressing into me begging for release.

His mouth makes a careful path between my neck and my breast that is covered by my nightgown still.

He looks up at me asking for permission to remove it. Begging silently for intimacy, contact, proximity, love.

"I'm yours, babe. Have me however you want." I tell him and his grin widens.

I sit up and my gown soon is brought up over my head revealing my braless chest.

He can try to deny it but Harry is a boob guy and every time he sees mine, he can't help the look of utter awe in his face.

He grins so widely that it feels like I just gave him the best ever-present.

His tongue makes contact with my nipple first then his hand follows suit with the other. He flicks it a few times gently and they stand at attention.

He switches the attention from one to another until he's satisfied.

He goes kissing down my stomach rather carefully and adoringly.

Before he reaches my center though, I pull him back up and he looks a bit confused.

I kiss his pouty lips and smile.

"I want you inside." I say and he looks like he's about to drool on me.

"You don't have to. It's okay." He says carefully. Almost scared.

"I want to." I say and he smiles. "I love you." I say and he kisses me.

"I love you too."

He kisses me again. Passionate this time. Urgent. Firm. He leaves no room free in my mouth. Instead, he explores every little part in me.

I can feel him, rock hard, against me. He's more than ready.

His hand comes between us and he lines up to coat himself with my fluids.

"Are you sure?" He asks again and I nod. "Are you ready?" I nod again.

He enters me slowly with little resistance.

My eyes roll back into my head and my breath hitches. A low moan escapes through my lips before I can hold it back. His lips against my neck and his hands on my hips, he sets the pace and starts rocking into me.

There's an underlying rush to it but a calmness at the same time. He's eager to have me but at the same time, he wants to make it last. He's going as slow as he can but not as easy. He pushes in strongly and pulls out slowly over and over and over again hitting me on the right spot until the familiar feeling pooling at the bottom of my belly becomes urgent and prolonged and out of control.

Before I know it, I'm thrown over the edge for the first time. I clamp down so hard it almost feels like I'm about to expel him from inside.

In the back of my mind, I see a bunch of sparks flying. Like fireworks.

He holds on, shaking on top of me. He doesn't want to let go yet.

When the movement of my inner walls falls to just flutters again, he looks up at me.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm awesome. You can keep going." I tell him out of breath.

When he doesn't move, I open my eyes to look at him again.

"It's okay. I can take it. I'll tell you if I need to stop."

"Promise? I don't want to hurt you."

"I promise."

With that, he moves again and his breathing becomes rather labored. He's struggling from releasing.

"You can give me your all, baby. Don't hold back. I promise you I can take it." I tell him and that seems to unleash something inside him.

He sets a brutal pace now. Slamming into me now raising all kinds of loud noises from deep within my throat.

When he releases, he doesn't stop instantly, instead, he wants me over the edge again, so he keeps slamming into me a few times with his hand carefully rubbing me in between our bodies.

When I tumble over the edge for the second time, he stops, collapsing on top of me.

My entire body tingles this time around.

He's about to move off of me when suddenly there's a small movement from deep within me. He looks up at me.

"Is that..." He asks with his eyes.

"I think so." Both our eyes spill a bunch of tears now.

It moves again right under him and he laughs.

"I think it's pissed. Maybe it knows what we were up to." He laughs and I do too.

"Wait until it figures out that this is how we made it?" I laugh and he throws his head back laughing.

He falls to the side now and places his hand on top of my belly waiting for the next movement, which doesn't fail to come.

For the next 10 minutes, the baby keeps moving around and we're both in awe of it.

When it goes 5 minutes without any more movements, we know the party is over.

"Great show baby." He says to my belly as he now lays on my hip. "Thank you. We love you. Can't wait to see your little face." He says while my hands rub through his hair.

I turn and get the little boxes with both his presents from my drawer on the nightstand where I hid them last night to give him this morning and place them on my belly

"Happy birthday, Babe." I say and he sits up.

"I thought this was my present." He says grinning and coming down to place chaste kisses on my lips.

"Part of it, sure."

"I'd be more than happy if this was it. You've given me everything I wanted and more, love. You didn't have to get me anything else."

"Says the guy who bought me a unique necklace for my birthday." I say and he smiles.

"But I blew your other present." He glances at the little box still sitting in his nightstand.

"We're past that. We worked that out. Okay? None of that today."

"I'm still sorry though."

"I know. It's okay." I say as I caress his face. "Open the others. I think you'll like it."

As he sits up to open it, I get up, throw in one of his shirts that was just lying in a chair near the bed and leave to go to the kitchen.

I need to give the cats their breakfast, but also, It's not entirely sexy to desperately need to pee in a moment like this. So I go to the bathroom downstairs, give the cats their food and pick up his cake that I baked the day before and is now quietly waiting in the oven where I put it last night after the icing had settled on the fridge.

When I walk back in with the cake, candle, and everything while singing him happy birthday, his eyes went a deep shade of green and his smile couldn't get wider.

"Happy birthday, babe." I say when he blows out the candles.

"I love you so much." He says after I put the cake down on the bed. He pulls me to straddle him and he kisses me desperately.

Another half-hour of us making out with desperate kisses, urgent touches, and wondering hands, he enters me again.

I rock back and forth on top of him as he helps me keep up the pace by holding on to my hips.

When we climax this time, we do it almost simultaneously and I collapse forward on top of him. Breathing hard and laughing simultaneously I look up to him.

"What?" He asks.

"I guess I still do it for you. Twice in under 2 hours." I say and he laughs.

"You'll always do it for me, love." His lips glued to mine again. "What's for breakfast though? I'm hungry. For food." He says and I laugh. "Oh. Can we have cake?" He asks excitedly and I scrunch up my nose.

"I don't think I can stomach that as the first thing I eat in a day. You can have it if you want to. But maybe you should eat something else too. We can have it as a snack. How about that?"

He nods and we get up to go eat something.

He makes us toasts and tea and I cut some strawberries for us while I sit on the counter.

Harry pulls his stool and sits in between my legs as he places our toasts and teas by the side of my leg and I place our fruits by the side of the other leg. 

"Harry?" I say after a while of us eating in silence.

"Yeah?" He looks up at me.

"Will you move in with me?" I ask and he bulges his eyes. "I mean, I gave you the keys and you're welcome to use them whenever and all. But like... We were fighting then and now we're not so I thought I should ask properly." I grin. 

"You dork. Of course, I do." He smiles before he pulls me to sit down in his lap instead so I straddle him as I rest my back against the edge of the counter.

"Do you think you'd want to convert a room in this house into your closet? It'd be fun to take a look at your closet up close." I smile but he understands the offer. I'm saying I can help him do it not out of obligation but out of a true and genuine desire to have him here. 

"Um. Yeah. That'd be nice." He pecks my lips. "Which room, though?" 

"Aside from my own closet and my music room, any other room is game." 

"Protective of your own space, I see." He laughs as he kisses my lips. 

"Protective of my music room? Always. But my closet? Never." I laugh. "But can you imagine the hassle of transferring my closet though?" I scrunch up my nose and he laughs before placing a kiss on it. 

"Fair enough." 

"How about my office upstairs? It's right by the bedroom." 

"I think it's gonna be a hassle transferring that too. Besides, where would you put your office?" 

"Merge it to my mini library which, may I add, only serves to keep the books I'm now half convinced I'll never read." I shrug. "It can be a guest room too if you want it bigger." 

"Then it's gonna be bigger than yours." He laughs. 

"You probably have more clothes than I do anyway. And definitely more shoes." I laugh. 

"Not that much, you weirdo." He laughs. "I think the office room would be fine." He kisses my cheeks. 

"Whichever you want, baby. I just want this house to be your house too." 

"I love you, you know that?" I nod. "I don't think I'll ever love anyone or anything as much as I love you." He says before kissing me again. "I don't want to love anyone else like I love you." He whispers on the space between us before I close the distance and kiss him. 

"I love you too." I smile. 


	23. You weren't that drunk, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, lovely human beings.  
> Here's another chapter of this wild ride. 
> 
> I forgot to post a warning about smut last chapter.  
> But the story is properly tagged so I don't have to, right? 
> 
> Anyways... Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think.  
> Hope you enjoy it.

By mid-afternoon I find myself in a predicament. I'm not yet showing a lot, but if you look closely enough, you can tell by the swelling of my lower stomach that I'm pregnant.

It feels like it grew overnight. It wasn't there yesterday. I'm sure.

"What's wrong?" Harry asks as he comes behind me in the mirror.

"I don't know what to wear." I say as I look at my lower belly protuberant through a tight black dress.

"You look super hot in this dress. Wear it."

"It's too tight. I don't want any speculations. But I also didn't want to wear jeans nor look too overdressed with high waisted pants."

"You can wear my jacket. I think you can pass it off as a dress thing. Wanna try it?" I nod.

He leaves and comes back with a blue floral blazer cut off mid-thigh for me.

Lengthwise, I can absolutely pull it off. I have shorts that are shorter than that.

But it overexposes my chest and it'll surely show my underwear through the opening on the back of my legs.

"I don't know, Harry." I tell him.

"Do you have a black one piece? Pantless?" I nod. "Put it underneath it."

I do as told.

"You can pull it off like this and some black shoes of your choice. Or you can leave the chest a bit in the open and only put a short shorts underneath it."

"I think I want a shirt and shorts. This looks weird." I say.

I change into a satin matching set of shirt and shorts.

"Does it look okay?" I ask looking at it in the mirror.

"You look amazing." He says.

"Really?" 

"Yeah. You're the hottest girl in the world, love. You look absolutely hot in that blazer." He grins as he kisses my cheeks. 

"I'm not the hottest girl in the world." I blush.

"Yes, you are. You just don't know it yet." He gently wraps his arms around my waist. "Wearing one of my clothes? God, how am I even expected to resist you throughout an entire party?" He says dramatically and I giggle relaxing into his arms. 

"Dork." 

"I mean it. You look incredible." He kisses my cheek again. 

"Thank you." I say quietly and he nods. "Are you sure you don't mind me wearing your blazer?"

"Of course not." He says as he kisses my cheeks.

Evening comes and Harry, Austin, Abigail and I head to LA for his party.

As we get there, there isn't a lot of movement at the place. Heavy security was placed and I kinda feel bad because I know he did that to protect my wishes of not being seen.

At the same time, I feel so incredibly happy that he paid attention and tried to comply to my wishes. 

To that extent, I might as well have found one hell of a prince charming. 

The party is incredible and beautifully decorated and carefully thought out and I dance like I haven't in a long time. 

Abigail and I stick together most of the night so that I can pass my drinks off to her when no one's looking. It becomes a rather fun game if I'm being at all honest. 

Harry and I dance a lot too. It's clear he's having the time of his life.

He's a little drunk but that's beside the point.

The cake comes out and everyone sings him happy birthday while he grins behind his cake like a little kid. 

"Blow the candles now." Someone screams in the background and his grin widens. 

"My biggest wish has already come true and it's the best thing ever." He says as he looks back and catches my eyes. "I guess I'll just get a maintenance wish for the wish I already had come true." He says and everyone laughs. 

He takes a second to quietly make his wish before blowing the candles. A dimple grin never quite leaving his face as everyone cheers him.

I move slightly to the side where Abigail is waving me over and we both laugh about how she says my eyes went so big when I thought he'd spill our secret in his drunken state.

Before we can say anything else, though, a game starts that I'm not completely aware of. 

"Serpentine!" Niall yells and the others start to laugh as Harry looks everywhere around him apparently searching for me while I just stand by the side with Abigail laughing completely unsuspecting.

Next thing I know, Harry takes 3 larger than life steps towards me, not quite reaching me but close enough. 

"You can only take three, Harold." Liam says and Harry huffs a laugh. 

"Close enough." Harry says and laughs and I carefully watch him not knowing what this is. 

Suddenly, Harry's lips are glued to mine as he kisses me deeply but his body not quite close to mine. 

He pulls me now to stand glued to his body as he continues to kiss me before I hear Niall's voice again. 

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1." He laughs as Harry breaks the kiss and looks into my stunned eyes grinning. 

I'm left breathless and a bit hot too as well as completely in over my head as to what the hell that game was.

"Niall, you little..." He laughs and the others do too. "Got ya!" He says laughing. 

I don't get what the game was but I'm fine with it. These are his closest friends and some of them are my friends too. I doubt anything will leave this tight circle.

After that, the party progresses in a very fun way and I continue to dance until I can't anymore. 

"Are you okay?" Harry asks as he sees me sitting down at an armchair away from the dance floor. 

"Yeah." I nod and he sits on the arm of the chair. 

"Tired?" 

"Yeah." I scrunch my nose looking up at him.

"We'll be leaving soon." He says and I nod.

"Do you wanna head back with your brother and Abigail and I'll meet you there?" 

"No. That's ok. I'll wait for you." 

"Ok." He says as he places a gentle kiss on top of my head. "We're leaving soon." I nod. 

When we make it back to my house in Beverly Hills, Harry is rather drunk. So is Abigail who happened to take all my drink for me aside from her own. And so is Ed, whom we picked up along the way instead of letting him go to a hotel.

Austin had drunk a bit too but he wasn't anything but tipsy.

I was, for obvious reasons, stone stupid sober.

As we made it, each into our designated rooms, Harry sat down on the bed.

"I'm pretty wasted, I think." He says laughing a bit.

"You think?" I say laughing as I go around collecting clothes for both of us.

"Oh. The hangover I'll be nursing tomorrow." He says as he flops back into bed and I chuckle. "Worth it though. Best birthday ever." He says.

As I pass him by, he grabs me by the waist and pulls me to sit on his lap.

"So... Where's my post-party birthday present?" He asks and I know what he means.

His arms locked around my stomach, his hands climbing over to my breast and his mouth placing lingering kisses on my neck won't deny his intentions.

"We're not about to do that here."

"Why? It's your house."

"Yeah. With guests in it."

"Are they right next door?"

"No."

"See? It's not like they can hear us." He pleads. "We can keep quiet."

"You can't, baby. Even if you tried. Quiet and Harry don't go on the same phrase." I say and he pinches me lightly while I squirm and he chuckles. "And I would rather not try to remain silent. I don't know what you would do to me in this state."

"I'll be real quick." He pleads.

"Just what every girl wants to hear." I deadpan.

"And gentle." He pleads again. "Please?"

"Baby, go to bed."

"I'll tell you what. If I can't get you wet in 5 minutes, we'll just go to bed." He smirks and I turn to straddle him.

"I'm not undressing for you." I say. "If you touch me naked, of course, I'll get wet." He smirks.

"You don't have to get naked." He says.

"You can't get naked either." I shoot his idea down and he pouts.

"There goes my fun game."

"Hell no. It'll be such a hassle to control you if you go naked like that. Let's avoid it, okay?" He laughs.

"Fine."

"What are the rules?"

"We'll just make out." He says.

"And my one job to get you to bed is to remain as dry as the desert?" He nods. "You do realize that some moisture is already there, right? It's not really like sandpaper there when I'm not aroused." He laughs.

"Ok. I'll keep that in mind." He laughs. "Set the clock. If you get wet though, your mine." I nod.

He starts off kissing my neck, licking small spots, and blowing air to raise goosebumps.

The hot air of his breath spreading through my neck sends me into overdrive so instead, I ring into my head "Cats die. Cats die. Cats die." like a mantra to force my brain into thinking about the sad idea of a tragedy, rather than the hot kisses Harry's placing all over my neck while his hands make quick work on my breast over my top.

By the time he's 2 minutes out from the deadline, he kisses my lips and gives me a particularly hard bite while at the same time, pushing me down against his lap so that I can feel his length pressing through his pants and it takes everything in me not to moan.

He's good at this game and he absolutely knows it.

The timer beeps and the time's up. He smirks and places a couple chaste kisses on my lips.

When I open my eyes he's smirking at me.

He intertwines our fingers.

"So. Let's face the music, darling." He says and I stare deep into his eyes.

I blush furiously and hide my face in the crook of his neck laughing.

"I lost." I laugh.

"Yes!" He beams.

"I had it throughout the whole thing. Then you bit my lips and pressed me down into you and I lost it." He laughed.

"I was a bit worried I had lost my touch with you."

"After this morning?" I ask amused.

"I mean, who knows." He laughs.

His hands go up and down my back for a second.

"Well, have at it, babe." I say as I sit up pulling my black strap top over my head.

"It's okay love. I was just messing with you. You don't have to do this out of a bet. I don't want it that way."

"A bet is a bet, babe. Take it."

"I want it given." He whispers.

"I wouldn't take the bet if I didn't want it too."

He crashes his lips into mine for a good minute before his urge gets the best of him and he starts to wonder with his hands.

"Ground rules though." I say breaking the kiss and he listens closely. Or as close as he can. "You have to be super quiet. Can't bite me to leave marks. Or hickeys by any other means. Do it quickly but be gentle. Okay?"

"I can do that." He says.

Turns out, he could not. He definitely could not.

"Harry!" I chastise whispering as he lets out a loud moan. "Quiet!"

"Sorry." He says. But he lets out another one soon after.

"Harry!!!" I chastise again. "I'm gonna stop if you can't be quiet." I threaten.

"I'm sorry." He puts his hand over his mouth but obviously, it doesn't last long before he's breathlessly saying my name.

"Oh my gosh. Will you please just quiet down?" I say as I come to a stop and collapse forward into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. Nooo. Please, don't stop. I'm going to self combust."

"You can't be quiet. I told you."

"I'm sorry, Tay." He says but I remain unmoving. He thrusts his hips forward to try and get some friction but there isn't a lot of room for that. "Please, move." He whines and I sigh.

"Bite this." I say as I sit up. I'm holding up my panties crumpled in my fist.

"What?" He sounds rather confused.

"You want me to finish you off?" He nods. "Bite this."

"But I like kissing you and your boobs." He almost sounds childish.

"Bite it." I say again. He opens his mouth and I shove the entire thing into it. He closes his mouth and I put my hand over it. "Now quiet down. Otherwise, I'll leave you high and dry. Do you hear me?" He nods.

I finish him off with minimal sounds coming from him and he collapses back into the bed as I remain sitting up undone.

"Do you think you can help me out a bit?" I ask and he looks up at me.

"Did you not...?" He asks taking my panties out of his mouth and I shake my head. "Alright. Come here." He says and I climb over to him. "A bit further up baby. I can't lick you if you're down in my chest." He says and I blush. The way he's infinitely blunter about sex when he's drunk never ceases to amaze and embarrass me equally. "Just put one knee on each side of my face and sit down, love."

"I'm not gonna sit on your face, Harry."

"You're not going to suffocate me. If that's what you're worried about."

"You're rather drunk though. What if I do?"

"You won't. I'll tap you on the legs if I need you to lift up a bit. Okay?" I don't move though as I'm still skeptical of his idea. "It'll be fine. I promise." He says with his hands pulling me forward by the ass and I move to do as he instructed.

Was it the best orgasm I've ever had with oral from him? I don't know. But am inclined to think it was? Yes. Yes, I am.

I dismount his face and collapse to the side and he turns towards me.

He kisses my boobs and plays with them for a few minutes before I need to get up.

I discard the underpants I had him bite on and put my clothes on the hamper.

I clean myself up both from our little rendezvous and from the party.

Makeup off, clean clothes and underwear on, I go back to get Harry's clothed for the night.

When I come near him with shorts and a shirt for him to change into he whines before I even start touching him.

"Babe, help me a bit, please? Can you lift up so I can get your pants off?" He clumsily does so. And the shirt is easier as he is now sitting up.

"No clothes. Just you." He says.

"Baby, please." I plead with him to help out so he can at least have underpants on when he wakes up in the morning.

After cleaning him up, I bring up new underwear and try to dress him in it.

"I don't want it." He says as he locks his body so that I can't move him.

"You cannot sleep naked tonight, Harry."

"Yeah. But why?" He whines.

"The chances of you waking up still tipsy in the morning, running to throw up and opening the wrong door only to come face to face either with my brother or one of my best friends are huge. I'm looking out for you."

"I'm not that drunk, Taylor." He says and I laugh. "Just you tonight."

"Come on, Harry. Please. Just underwear." 

"Just you." He moves up the bed and kicks the covers so he can get under them.

"Fine." I sigh.

Turns out, he was. He was very much that drunk.

I wake up to the sound of screaming and I sit up in bed not quite aware of what's going on.

When I look up, the bedroom door is open. Harry is not in bed.

I almost facepalm. 

He did exactly what I told him he would end up doing. Ran into someone while naked.

"What the fuck, mate?" I hear Ed say. "Not the best sight to have first thing in the morning."

"Dude. Cover yourself up. Now. Run. Jeez. My eyes. I need to bleach them out!!!" I hear Austin screaming.

I hear footsteps approaching my bedroom and in comes Harry running naked hiding his junk under his hands and panic written all over his face.

"I just ran into your brother and Ed." He says.

"But you weren't that drunk, right?" I laugh and he groans. 


	24. Grammys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys... 
> 
> I'm almost done writing this story. Writing the second to last chapter today.  
> Once I'm done, I'll reveal how many chapters this story has and some insight into my thought process for this story as we go along. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> And so it begins...

"Love, I'm so sorry." Harry says as he checks his phone later that morning as I'm busy washing my face to properly get rid of any makeup or oil residues from last night.

"What is it?" I ask, worried about what he saw.

"Someone photographed us last night. It's all over the tabloids." He says. "I'm so sorry. I told you we'd be safe there and now this." He sighs deeply.

"Inside source?" I ask.

"No. Outside. Someone snuck in somewhere."

"Let me see the pictures."

He shows me the four pictures of us.

Three are of us dancing together at various moments closer to the end of the party and one is from the moment he kissed me after blowing out the candles.

None of the pictures have good quality and you can't quite tell it's me in the picture. 

Had I not posted a picture that shows the blazer the night before, no one would know it was me. 

What's done is done, though.

"What are they saying?" I ask.

"Nothing too bad yet." He says. "Mostly like 'Haylor at it again', 'power couple of this generation back together', 'Harry's birthday present was more than we saw coming. Haylor is a thing again', 'Taylor and Harry rumored to be together again' and that's that." He says after reading some of the headlines Lauren had sent him.

"Any hate on social media?" 

"I don't think so. Do you want to call Tree?" 

"Yeah." I sigh and he nods going for my phone back in my nightstand. "It's fine though." I say and he looks back at me before leaving. "it's ok if they know. Right?" I ask and he nods. 

"I just wanted to comply to your wishes." 

"I know. It's okay though." He nods. 

He comes back with my phone and leaves the bathroom and I hit the call button to call Tree without checking any texts or emails. 

"Hey. Have you seen it?" She asks as soon as she picks up the phone.

"Yeah." I sigh. "Anything bad?" 

"Headlines, not really. Not a lot, at least. They're talking a bit though." Tree says into the phone.

"What are they saying?" 

"They're bringing up your dating history again and making theories about when was it that you and Harry got back together." 

"That's expected, I suppose?" 

"Yeah. But falls on the issue of you being overexposed. The general public is fed up with you a little bit so the wise thing is to avoid anything personal being displayed." 

"Yeah." I sigh into the phone. "What are they saying? The public, I mean." 

"Not much. The slut-shaming did stick though so they agree that you do date too many people, I'm afraid." 

"That's so annoying. I date like a normal 20 something years old. The issue is that they keep tabs on my dates. I'm sure 90% of people my age have had more boyfriends than I did." I say and it almost sounds childish.

"I know. It's pretty hypocritical of them to crucify you for something every kid your age have done before." 

"Yeah." I fall silent. "What are my fans saying?" 

"Divided. Some are very excited over it and some are in utter anger. They know that Harry broke your heart before. I think they're mostly worried. Some downright hate him though, I'm not gonna lie to you." 

"Why, though?"

"I don't know, Tay." 

"What are his fans saying? Do you have any idea?" 

"They're skeptical. I don't know a lot about them but they seem to think this won't last. Some are excited you've given Harry a second chance while others still hate you for it. Some are worried this is gonna hurt his career even more than taking a hiatus did, but that's a whole different story." 

"Okay." I look down. "So, how do we proceed?" 

"My honest opinion?" I wait for it. "Just let it go. You don't have to address every single thing that comes out with your name on it. Let it be. Let them think what they will." 

"Will that make this die down?" 

"Unlikely. Time will. If you keep yourself out of the public eye for the next few weeks and no other mention of you and Harry come up, it's likely that the lack of content will make this go away." 

"So, hide is what you mean." 

"Don't be seen together if you're going to be seen at all is what I mean." 

"Okay. I guess we can do that." 

"Other than that, it isn't too bad, Taylor. This could be worse." 

"I guess." 

"Listen, this is gonna put people on edge so now more than ever, be careful so as to not give out any ideas so they don't figure out about the baby, okay?" 

"Okay." 

"You're okay. It's fine. It's not a horrible thing. Ok?" 

"Okay. Thanks, Tree." 

"You're welcome. I'll see you soon."

"See ya." I hang up and open the door to see Harry quietly going through his phone in bed.

"It's fine, I guess." I say to him. "She said it's okay. I think so too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They don't know about the baby, so we're cool."

He breathes a sigh of relief. 

"Thank you though for at least trying to prevent this." I smile and he nods. 

I kiss his lips quietly before heading back to the bathroom to finish my routine and we both move on.

Though I do later go on to Tumblr and Twitter to learn what is being said throughout my fandom.

Up until that moment, nothing too bad.

Not two weeks go by before new drama comes about.

Kanye has now published the song he had called me asking for endorsement for a couple of months back.

The lines that I never got to hear in the first place couldn't be worse.

He's taking credit for my fame and my work. Undermining my accomplishment. 

Upon hearing the song for the first time, my heart sinks and bile rises to mouth as I rush to the bathroom. 

"Are you okay?" Harry asks frantically as I throw up and cry. "Taylor, please." He pulls my face to look at him when I don't respond. "What's wrong?" 

"Kanye's song is out." I cry and he nods. "It's horrible." 

"What does it say?" He asks and I can't tell him so I shake my head. "it's ok. You're okay." He rubs my back. 

Once it's clear my stomach has settled, I brush my teeth with Harry watching me closely. 

"Do you wanna go lay down a little bit?" He asks and I nod. 

I climb into bed and he lays behind me while searching the words to the song. 

"Please, don't listen to it." I tell him. 

"I need to know what he's saying so I can support you better, love." 

"Just..." I sob. "Just read the words. Don't play the song." I say and he nods.

He reads the words on his phone while still holding me and I feel him flinch and slightly tense up. 

"He called me a bitch and took credit for my career." 

"He doesn't deserve any credits, love. Taylor Swift made Taylor Swift famous." 

"I pulled 7 million off that album before he even dreamed of doing that." I cry and he rubs my back. 

"I know, love. He's a self-centered asshole." 

He says and I turn around so I can face him instead. 

"He called me a bitch." I look up at him and he nods. 

"You're not. You're really not." He sighs. "You're a brilliant human being with a soul that shines brighter than any star, love. He's an asshole for dropping your name in such a thing. If anything, he should be regretting deeply the night he stepped into your stage not riling up more drama by dropping your name like this. He's an asshole." 

I hide my face into his chest and he holds me. 

"Tight, please." I mumble and he tightens his arms around me and slowly I feel my heart rate decreasing. 

Tree calls me incessantly as does my management team. 

Call it pregnancy hormones if you will, but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone just yet.

Eventually, a few hours later, I pick up the phone in a conference call with Tree and my team and they set up a plan to handle it best. 

Tree gets right on to it but it's too late.

A bunch of rumors is already circulating the whole ordeal and drama has once again been brought to the center of my life.

Through my sobs, heartache, hiccups, and rage, Harry, my parents, Austin, and my best friends take turns holding me and reassuring me as well as handling my rants.

It's been hectic.

_"Another day, another drama."_

_"I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me."_

_"I don't like your perfect crimes._

_How you laugh when you lie._

_You told them the gun was mine._

_Uncool. I don't like you."_

_"My reputation has never been worse."_

The words in my journal set a much different tone to this era of my life.

So many love songs, so many love poems to my baby but also, so much rage. Anger. Hurt.

I'm not sure how to handle it.

As I said, it's been hectic.

February 12th rolls around and a new appointment comes up.

"Everything is doing ok, Taylor." The doctor tells me. "You put out a bit more weight, which I'm very pleased about. Your baby looks healthy. Your nipples are coming out. You're healthy too. It's all going well."

"But I'm not showing much yet." I say. "Is the baby too small or is something wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. You just don't have a lot of fat in your body so it's likely that the baby has some space to grow into before it needs to expand your belly. If you had fat occupying space in your belly, it'd expand faster. It's a normal-sized baby though. Don't worry."

"What about the Grammys on Monday? Am I good to perform in it?"

"Absolutely. Just, maybe, don't over do it." She says and I nod. "Take it easy and you should be good." 

"Sure. Okay."

"I'm hoping to be able to see the baby's sex next time." She says and I nod. "Everything else is in order." She says.

With new vitamins and orders to still supplement iron and folic acid, I leave the office at 20 weeks feeling rather anxious about it and rather anxious about the Grammys on Monday.

It's now February 14th. Sunday. My outfit for the night arrived the day before along with all my outfits for the night of the actual awards show tomorrow and every time I look at it, I cry.

I'm showing a bit more than I was at Harry's party but still not enough to prevent me from being seen in public without everyone knowing. Or so Harry says, but I really do believe otherwise.

"People can tell I'm pregnant. There's no way I can pull this off." I sob.

"Taylor, no one can tell you're pregnant. I wouldn't notice you're pregnant if I didn't know it already. You can do this, love."

"I can't. Everyone will know."

"No one will know, love." He says as I sob into his chest.

"I can't go."

"You can't bail now, love."

"I can't go." I insist.

"I'll tell you what. We can skip the pre-Grammy's party. So you have some time to chill before tomorrow. Then afterward, you can attend an after-party or something, with your friends. How about that?"

"What if I pull out? Pretend I'm sick?"

"You can't, babe. It's gonna raise a lot of rumors."

"But they're going to know." I sob again. "I already have a lot going on with that stupid song." I cry. 

"No one is going to know, love." 

"My outfit shows my belly, Harry. They're going to know." 

"They won't know, love. But if they do, maybe it's for the best. You'll face one hell of a shit storm then be done with it." 

"It's going to destroy me." I wail. 

"Let's just go to bed, love." He says.

The next morning I don't feel any less anxious about it. I'm convinced they'll know as soon as they lay eyes on me.

No amount of reassurance from anyone is going to change that. So instead, I call Tree and ask her to come over so that we can draw up a plan of announcement in case anyone asks me.

"It's unlikely anyone will ask you about this at all given the recent discovery of you and Harry dating and the newest drama with Kanye.

It's also unlikely they'll ask you about this directly. But if they do, you can deny it by either flat out saying no or you can laugh it off and move things along, as if that was a ridiculous question and that will fall as denial too. Or you can tell whoever asked, which I don't recommend. You can also wait until this is over and make an announcement if you want to breathe a sigh of relief."

"Can you like forbid them from asking that stuff?" Harry asks.

"They'd have to know it first. They can't avoid asking about something if they don't know what the something is."

"Oh. Yeah."

"So, do you want to come clean beforehand? Or do you want to risk it?"

"Do you think they'll know?" I ask her.

"I truly don't think so. But you can't go there all jittery. They'll know something is up."

"Okay. I wanna go without announcing it." I say and she nods.

The rest of the day, I spend trying to avoid feeling anxious about this any more than I already do.

The night comes on and my mother helps me get dressed for the red carpet.

The outfit was chosen long ago so I can't change it. Trust me, I would if I could.

I had chosen a strapless coral cropped top with a floor-length hot pink skirt that was open at the front up until the waistline with a little attached matching hotpants for coverage from Atelier Versace.

When I get dressed in it, I'm one hundred percent sure they will know.

"Mom, tomorrow there will be so many headlines about me. They'll bury me this time." I whine.

"Honey, no. It's okay. I don't think they will know. Not if you don't point it out. There's a lot of volume on that skirt. They won't know. But if they do, it's fine. It's ok. You're an adult. Stable. Independent. You're gonna be okay."

She hugs me for a long while before my make up team comes to take me.

"You're gonna be okay." She says as she kisses me and lets me go.

My hair and makeup are done and I'm ready to walk down the red carpet.

Harry comes to see me one last time as does my mother and they hug me close and rub my back.

With wishes of good luck from them and deep regret of not setting up for one of them to come along, I go up to meet with Selena only since Abigail wasn't feeling so well and couldn't come.

When I see Selena she's quick on her tongue to let me know I look drop-dead gorgeous. I say the same to her and we hug a second.

"Do I look pregnant?" I ask as we part.

"I already know you're pregnant. But if I didn't, I wouldn't know to be honest." She says and I smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Turns out, no one is even remotely thinking about that. They compliment my outfit, my makeup, my album, and of course, throw in a question or two about Harry, which I laugh off letting it fall under the not confirmed nor denied category.

Time for my performance hits as I'm the opening act and I change into a different outfit. It's a black fitted sparkling suit with matching boots. 

Fear creeps into me again, but there's no turning back from it.

"No one will know. No one saw anything with you literally showing your tummy. They won't know now with you covering it." My mom says as she hugs for the last time backstage before I have to be onstage.

When I step onto the stage, I feel the thrill of performing again and all's well. I start singing the lyrics to 'out of the woods' and I'm most definitely at my highest.

As always, I use all of my abilities to put on the best show I can.

But then, for the first time since I mastered these vocals, I miss one note. Not enough rehearsals would do that to the best of us.

I'm a pregnant lady whatsoever, so I hold off well, but as soon as the show is done, I burst out crying into my mom and later at Selena too. I get a pep talk from both and manage to feel a bit better but still bummed out that I missed that one note. 

Still, no one knows about anything nor are they even close to figuring it out.

I win album of the year after being absolutely uncertain about any awards tonight.

When I walk upstage, my mind is in overdrive. The fear of being discovered still lingering in the back of my mind. But I walk up and take my award and on the speech, I take my time to address things properly.

**_"As the first woman to win Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there, there are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame, but, if you just focus on the work and you don't let those people sidetrack you, someday when you get where you're going you'll look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there. And that will be the greatest feeling in the world. Thank you for this moment."_ **

I walk out with three of the seven nominations I had for the night. Overall, I'd say it's a pretty good one.

I go back and change outfits again. Into a short skirt with a matching cropped top and now, as my mom heads home, I head out to the after-party I've chosen to attend for a few hours to mark my presence and detangle my name from all the drama from the past few days.

The night ends in a better tone than what it started on.

Me dancing a bit with some of my close friends at a party and then heading home to crawl into bed with Harry.

When he holds me tonight, I sigh deeply and bury my face into the safety of his neck. 

"We did it." I whisper. 

"You did it, love. Congratulations." He smiles and kisses my forehead. "I'm so very proud of you." 

"Thank you." I smile and we fall silent for a while but neither of us is immersed in dreamland yet. "Babe?" 

"Hm?" 

"Love me, please?" I whisper and he chuckles. 

"I thought you'd be tired." 

"Never too tired for you." I chuckle looking at him. 

When he enters me tonight, I feel safe and loved and calmly taken care of in the best way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it begins... The events leading up to the reputation era.  
> I'm so stoked to have you guys here reading my fanfic but I'm also so scared I won't live up to your expectations especially about Rep era.  
> Anyways, I'm having just so much fun going on this ride with you guys. Thank you for sticking around. 
> 
> Side note: If you're a fan of Kanye West, fuck you!
> 
> If not, carry on. I love you. Have a nice day/night. :)


	25. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, lovely people. 
> 
> Sorry for such a long wait.  
> As an apology for that, I've set apart 2 chapters to post today.  
> Proofreading the second one right now. 
> 
> Anyways, for this chapter, I'd like to put up a TW - If you're sensitive to this content, skip this chapter and read the end notes.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF AN EATING DISORDER.

Two weeks later, it looks like magic.

The belly that was mostly flat during Grammy's is now a big prominent, undeniable, dead giveaway of my predicament.

I look one hundred percent pregnant.

At this point, I couldn't be happier about it thought a bit apprehensive.

Happy, mostly though.

I managed to get through everything I needed without being exposed so now, it's likely that I'll manage to go the rest of the pregnancy without a hitch too.

Harry isn't here and hasn't been for the past 9 days.

He's been handling quite a bit of stuff lately and needed time to coordinate his move in. 

He also needed time with his family and friends so he's currently in London.

I miss him like crazy, though.

"Come home please???"

"I'll show you my boobs 😝"

I shoot him two texts and he doesn't respond.

I lay back into bed and cover my eyes with arms in complete boredom but also, the slight frustration of missing him.

It's my dad's birthday so I have to be up in a few to go have lunch with the family.

Next thing I know, the bed dips around me scaring the hell out of me.

I'm home with my mom, but she wouldn't just climb into my bed like this.

I open my eyes quickly to look around and to my utter surprise, Harry's here.

"Oh my God!!!!" I say as I hug him tightly. "What... How? I thought you were in London."

"I was. But I wanted to surprise you." He says as he kisses me a few times. "Now, where are the boobs? I was promised some boobs!!!" He says grinning.

"Well, have at them." I say and he smirks.

"Is it cumulative? I wanna save it for later." I laugh.

"Why?"

"Cause your mom is downstairs and she said we have to get going to get to your dad's birthday party soon."

"Uhmm... Fine. You can save it for later." I say smiling as he places a kiss on my belly first, then on my boobs, and finally, one on my lips again before getting up.

I get up to go get the outfit I had in mind for the day and head to the shower.

I get my hair done and my makeup on point.

As usual, I put my pants first, then my shoes. As I go to put my top on though, it doesn't look good so I change into another one, which also doesn't look good, the next one doesn't fit me, neither does the one after that and eventually, I've gone through most of my tops and most of them no longer fits me and the ones that still do, makes me feel ugly.

The next time Harry comes up into the bedroom, I'm sitting in the middle of the bed on just my underwear after crying for over a half hour.

"Love, are you almost-" he stops dead in his tracks. "Why aren't you ready yet? Your mom said we need to get going." I don't respond. Instead, I remain with my eyes closed. "Why aren't you dressed?"

"Cause I'm not going." I say as some new tears fall down my face.

"Of course we're going. What are you talking about?"

"I'm not going." I say again. "You go with my mom and tell them I wasn't feeling ok."

"Taylor, what's wrong? You can't skip your dad's birthday."

"He'll understand."

"Taylor..."

"Nothing fits me anymore!!!" I say exasperated.

"Love, that's not true. Just throw in something and let's get going."

"No!!! I'm not going. I'm not about to go there looking like a whale." I sob.

"Love."

"No! I'm not going." I close my eyes again.

"What if I find you something to wear?"

"You won't." I mumble. He goes out of the room and comes back with a shirt of his.

A gray Queen shirt.

"How about this?"

"No. You're not suggesting another oversized shirt." I look at him. "See I told you. I look like a whale."

"Get up. I'll style it for you." I look up at him. "It'll look good. I promise." He says.

"If I look weird, we're not going." I say and he nods.

I get up and he picks up a set of black thick leggings.

"Harry..." I whine.

"Just trust me. Okay? Are you good with short heels or do you want it flat?" He asks.

"Flat, please. My feet hurt."

He picks up a pair of flat Rock black ankle boots.

When it comes to the shirt, he cuts 3 holes in the chest that kinda forms a downside triangle on the cleavage.

He puts the shirt over my head and it actually kinda looks good.

"Do you want it oversized or do you want it a bit more fit?"

"I don't know."

He knots it on the side and it looks better than loose.

He gets me a leather jacket on top and pushes me to look at the full-length mirror.

"Ta-da!" He says gesturing at me.

I laugh and then proceed to cry again and he hugs me to his chest.

"No more, baby. You look beautiful!" He whispers into my hair. "Go wash your face and I'll wait downstairs. Okay?" I nod.

He kisses my lips again and soon, he's out the door.

I wash my face and get rid of all the ruined makeup.

Going now in a rush against time, I decided against building that whole thing up again.

Instead, I just apply some mascara, a bit of eyeliner, and a good dark red lipstick.

That should do it.

As I approach the stairs, my doorbell rings. It's likely my brother, with whom we set up to meet here.

As I'm almost to the bottom of the stairs, I hear Harry talking to both my mom and Austin.

"She had a crisis today about her weight and how her clothes no longer fit her. Maybe refrain from talking about her outfit today? She looks pretty but I'm sure if you tell her that, she'll think you've only noticed it because she gained some weight. So, let's avoid that." He finishes in a whisper and both my mom and my brother, who were listening attentively, nod their heads.

"I'm ready." I say quietly trying to smile. I'm sure they could tell I had been crying, but given Harry's warning from not a minute ago, I doubt they'd ask anything.

"Finally!" My brother interjects cutting through the tension. "I'm starving." He says.

We head to my parents' house to make my dad's barbecue.

"Hi, Dad." I greet him outside in the yard. "Happy birthday!" I smile.

"Hi, honey. Thank you!" He says taking the little box I offer him. He smiles when he opens to find the craziest pair of socks we have seen. He loves it. I knew he would.

He laughs and we all do too.

Harry gives him the other presents we bought and they hug too.

Party is going strong and I've eaten a few things but I'm still not feeling a hundred percent. Kinda makes me want to go home.

"Are you okay, honey?" My mom asks.

"Yeah. All good." I lie.

"Harry mentioned a crisis this morning." I lower my eyes.

"Yeah." I mumble.

"Come here." She says placing her plate on the counter and grabbing my hand to pull me upstairs. "What's going on?" She asks as we sit down in her bed.

"Nothing." I say almost in a whisper.

"I'm your mama. Since when do you keep things from me?" She asks and I hiccup trying to keep the tears inside. "It's more than your clothes not fitting. Isn't it? You can tell me."

"It's just a lot. Like two weeks ago I didn't have any belly to show now not only do I have it, I also can't fit into any of my regular clothes. Harry's sweet about it and keeps making me these outfits to help me feel better but I just feel weird because I know that he only made this for me because nothing else fits me and that brings back the urge to not eat at all. I like having a baby belly but I also don't. I don't know " I say.

"Taylor..." She says cleaning my tears.

"I'm eating. Okay? I'm not... I'm not starving myself or anything. I'm just saying that I'm struggling a little bit and I feel so stupid. I know that being pregnant means putting out weight and I was even anxious to have a belly and all but now that it's here, it's so difficult sometimes."

"Why didn't you tell me this sooner? I've been keeping up with you to make sure because we both knew this was a possibility. But you didn't give any indication that you had this on your mind, honey."

"I know."

"You could've told me. Or Harry."

"No!" I exclaimed. "He can't know."

"Baby, he's home with you. He's the best option to take care of you."

"No." I sob.

"Okay. Fine." She says and I nod. "Maybe a therapist?" She asks after a moment.

"Maybe." I say.

"Come here. I'll hold you for a bit." She opens her arms and I fall into her sobbing.

After a while, there's a knock on the door.

"Come in." I hear my mom say and I turn my head to the other side so as to not be seen by whoever is at the door.

"Austin said we should sing Happy birthday now." Harry says almost in a whisper. Likely because he just saw his pregnant girlfriend crying in her mother's arms after crying in his not 6 hours ago.

"We'll be right down, honey. Thank you." My mom says.

"Is everything okay?" He asks and I still don't turn around to look at him. He's worried. I know. It's unfair to him. I also know. But it's not like I can avoid it. I can't face him.

"Yeah. It's okay. We're ok. She just needed a minute. We'll be right there." My mom says and he closes the door behind him after a few seconds.

I sit up to clean up my face for what feels like the thousandth time today.

"Ughh" I say and she chuckles.

"Go wash your face." She pats me in the butt. "I'll wait here."

When I finish, we head down to sing my dad happy birthday.

As soon as I walk into the living room where everyone is, Harry gravitates towards me.

He doesn't touch me or motions to come any closer. In a silent conversation, he checks to see if I'm okay.

I walk the two steps and close the distance between us.

He squeezes me tightly into his embrace and I breathe in his smell of him.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah." I say as I look up to kiss him quickly.

I turn in his arms so that I'm facing forward.

He remains with his arms around me and I feel a bit better that way. Safe at last.

Once my dad blows up the candles, cake is passed around and Harry gets his share.

I leave to go to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water and I dispose of the cake I got.

I put it in the fridge. Someone will find it later for sure.

I sit on one of the stools and stare out the window.

"You're missing the party." Austin says as he walks in.

"I'll be right there." I say. "I just needed some water." I show him the glass.

"Mom told me to check on you. What's up?" He asks as he stands next to me. "Are you and Harry okay? Did he do something wrong? I'll punch him for you if he did." He announces proudly.

"Everything is okay, dude. Hold your horses." I chuckle. "He didn't do anything. He's actually one hell of a man. It's just me in my head. I'll be fine."

"You know that you're like growing a baby from scratch right? Taffy, this is a miracle. Cut yourself some slack okay?" He ruffles my hair and I nod.

I return to the party with him but inevitably, I escape it again and find my old bed to lay on.

When my dad comes to get me this time, I know they've all given up at this point. There's no keeping me at this party.

"Are you okay, honey?" He asks as he sits by my side and I sit up.

"Yeah. Just tired. I'm so sorry dad. I've been all over the place today." I say regretfully.

"It's okay. Are you having a hard time today?"

"Kinda." I say as I lay my head in his shoulder but he doesn't move to hug me.

An unspoken deal too.

Hugging me would break me down for sure and he knows to avoid that.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"I just feel weird. I'm feeling a bit blue I guess. I know I'm supposed to be glowing or whatever but I just feel like an emotional whale and nothing fits me." I say and he chuckles.

"You do know that you're growing a human baby, right? It'll get bigger than this." He says.

"Doesn't mean it's easy."

"You also know that your chemicals are a bit in overdrive, right? Hormones make you crazy and it's to be expected during pregnancy. It's normal to feel like this."

"You think so?" I ask.

"I know so."

"I don't feel like eating most of the time so I kinda got scared. You know..."

"I don't think it's that at all. Your mom was like this too when pregnant with you. She cried a lot and constantly needed reassurance. I think you just take after her."

"Did it get better for her?" I ask as I look up to him.

"It did. After a while." He says and I lay back in his shoulder. "It'll get better." He says and kissed my hair.

"Thank you, dad. I'm so sorry for moping around at your party though."

"It's fine, honey. I'm just glad you came."

We sit together like that for a little while longer before he speaks again.

"Do you wanna go home?" He asks.

I contemplate it for a second.

"Yeah."

"I'll tell Harry to get ready."

"Are you gonna be sad though, if I leave early?"

"Nonsense, sweetheart. I'll be fine. It's okay."

"Did you have a good birthday though?" I ask.

"The best." I hear the smile in his voice.

"I'm glad."

"Listen, go gather your stuff. I'll tell Harry to gather his stuff too. Ok? And keep in mind that it's normal and absolutely okay to feel blue from time to time. But if you feel like it's going over your head, get help. Okay? You don't have to go at it alone. You don't ever have to be alone. Okay?" I nod. "I love you."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're sensitive to the content of the warning, here's what happens in this chapter:
> 
> Taylor finally starts to show some belly.  
> She's happy about it but gets rather conflicted since she had been battling an eating disorder as of recently.  
> Harry is sweet about it reassuring her constantly, but she's struggling a little bit.  
> She talks to both her mom and dad about it at her dad's birthday party and they both assure her she should be okay.  
> Basically, that's it.


	26. Pack your bags

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter number 2 for the day.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR MILD MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDER.
> 
> If you're sensitive to that content, skip the chapter and read the end notes first.   
> I promise I won't dive too deep into this issue so the next few chapters won't need any trigger warnings.   
> I just thought it was fair to warn everyone about this one and the one before.   
> (I come from twitter. Everything there has a proper TW so I don't know what the rule is here)
> 
> I've been sucked into work so hard for the past two weeks it's not even funny. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> See you guys soon.

March 11th is Austin's birthday and we have a cake for him that I baked with my mom. 

Later at night, he celebrates at a club with his friends. For obvious reasons, I can't attend. 

He's okay with it though. All good. 

March 12th marks 24 weeks and my belly is now much bigger. 

Harry and I go shopping for clothes that will fit me properly. Under heavy disguise, of course. 

After a breakdown or two at the bathroom, we manage to leave the store with 4 pants, 2 leggings pants, 4 shorts, 6 dresses (cut me some slack, summer's a knife and it's surely coming strong this year), 10 shirts/tops and a few underwears that I'm in much need right now since my breast decided to outgrow my bras.

When the new appointment comes on the 14th, there's no holding Harry's excitement. 

"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" He asks as he drives. 

"I think you should keep your eyes on the road babe. I wanna get there alive." I joke. 

"I'm paying attention. Boy or girl?" 

"I think it's a girl." 

"I think so too." He smiles. 

"Which one did you want?" 

"Whichever. I just hope they get your hair, not mine." He laughs. 

As the newest ultrasound is done, a big smile comes on Dr. Sullivan's face. 

"Ready?" She asks. 

"Yes." I squeal. 

"It's a..." She looks at us smiling. "GIRL!" She practically screams. 

Harry jumps beside me and I just manage to cry in joy.

What an emotional day. 

"Now I'm gonna ask Daddy to step outside for a bit, is that okay?" She asks Harry and he looks at me before nodding. 

He steps outside and I stay in my chair, frozen. My heart beating right into my throat. 

"So about your weight." My stomach drops further. "You gained weight last month, but lost some this month. You warned me about feeling a bit weird with an eating disorder you battled recently. Is that something we should be worried about?" She asks. 

"I don't know." I say with tears ready to spill. 

"It's okay. I'm just looking out for you. I'm not judging." I nod. "Were you dieting to lose weight or anything?" 

"No. I wasn't. I promise." 

"Okay. Did you eat properly?" 

"I did."

"You didn't skip or eat any less than normal?" 

"No. It's just that I was feeling a bit weird. When that happens, I tend to get very anxious about it and that alone can cause me to lose weight. I promise I didn't stop eating or anything." 

"Okay." She says. "It's okay. Your baby grew as predicted and you still look healthy. We're just going to look out for any more weight loss. Okay?" I nod. "Are you feeling any better though?" 

"Yeah. I've contacted my therapist and we're working on it." I tell her. 

"Is she worried at all?" 

"No. She thinks it's just regular pregnancy weight gain blues. Nothing major. But I'm seeing her every week for an hour until this phase is through." 

"Okay." She says finally. "It's good. I'll see you next month. If you keep losing weight or anything different happens, feel free to call me. Yeah?" 

"Ok. Thank you." 

We smile and exchange our regular pleasantries and then I'm sent on my way. 

I feel a bit drained for the day though, so Harry and I decide that we're going to announce the sex of the baby to our families on a different day. 

We go home and I go to bed for most of the day and Harry hangs out in my music room for a while and to be honest, I'm kinda anxious to hear the things he's writing. But he's yet to show me anything. 

But then again, all the songs I have about him that remain either trapped under my password-protected voice memo or in the pages of my journals exist so, there's that. 

"Hey." He says when dinner time rolls around. "Do you think we could go out and have dinner?" 

"Let's order in." I say with my eyes still closed. 

"I kinda wanted to go out. I'm getting a bit stir crazy." 

"I don't wanna go out." 

"Can we go out tomorrow morning then? For breakfast?" 

"I don't want to go out." I repeat. 

"At all?" He asks perplexed. "I thought you just didn't want to go anywhere today because you're tired." 

"I'm huge already. If I go out and somebody recognizes me, it's gonna be hell!" 

"Taylor, it's nighttime on a Monday. I don't think there'll be all that many people out there to get you." 

"I'm not going anywhere." I state. "I'm not even hungry. You can go if you want to." 

"I don't wanna go alone." He sits in bed by my side. 

"Drop it." I warn. 

"Tay, please." 

"I said drop it."

"Something happened today at the consult didn't it? You've been weird ever since." 

"Nothing happened at the consult." 

He sighs and faceplants the bed. 

"What do you wanna eat?" He mumbles. 

"I'm not hungry. Maybe order a smoothie with your food?" 

"I'm having chinese. I don't think they have smoothies there." 

"Then nothing. I'll make one myself." 

He reluctantly orders his food and leaves me to my own devices. 

I end up just eating an apple and going to bed. 

A few days go by before the topic of going out is brought up again. 

"Can we go out? For ice cream?" He asks filled with high hopes. 

"Not in the mood, babe. Sorry." I say as I towel my hair after the shower. 

"Love, you can't hide in the house until you pop this baby." He sighs. 

"Watch me."

"It's months away." 

"I'm aware." 

"Let's go for a drive then. Windows down?" He smiles. 

"I just wanna go to bed." I whine.

"Yeah, but I'm gonna have to go away for this week and I wanted to enjoy some time with you before I go." 

"Does it have to be outside though?" 

"I was kinda hoping so." 

"Not gonna happen." I smile. "Sorry." 

He sighs and we go to bed that way again. 

When he leaves the week next, I send him off with a kiss to his lips and promises that I'll be okay without him. 

When my mother comes to check on me with Abigail, I know he didn't trust my words. 

Can't blame him though. I wouldn't trust me either. 

But then again, it's not like having them here is any hassle at all, so who cares? 

"He's having kind of a hard time handling me lately. But like, is it so hard to understand that I'm not entirely up to be out in public? I'm getting so much hate over the latest drama with Kanye and he wants to go out. Are you kidding?" I say as Abigail lays on her belly looking at some of the wedding magazines she brought. 

"I mean, I'd be worried too. Knowing you, I understand why you don't want to go out. But cut him some slack, maybe. He doesn't know what's coming." 

"Yeah. I would, but I'm a pregnant whale and therefore, I'm not entirely in control of my moods so there's that." I say and she laughs. 

They keep me company most of the days Harry is gone for but at night, I'm normally alone so we call each other every night. 

"Are you coming back soon?" I ask. 

"Yeah. Two more days." He says. 

"That's a long time." I say and he laughs. "I mean it. I miss you." I pout. 

"I love you. You're adorable." He says. "Just two more days, love. I'll be there really soon." 

"Mkay." I say. 

When he does arrive after two days, he comes bearing gifts for the baby from his mom. 

"Look at this. Oh my God. So cute." I say while we look through the stuff she got us. "I can't wait to have her here." I say. 

"Me too." He smiles and kisses my cheek. "Do you think we could tell them about the baby's sex? I want to tell them so bad." He grins. 

We had bought one little pink onesie to help us tell them but kept it hidden given my mood and Harry's absence. 

"Yeah." I laugh. 

And tell the parents we do. 

I felt like it wasn't fair to tell my parents in person because Anne wasn't here to be told in person too, so instead, I called them all on video chat and after a little speech from Harry and myself, we presented them with the onesie over my belly.

They were all through the roof with happiness. They were all so very excited and today, so were we. 

The next day, a while after breakfast Harry gets a call and he goes out to get it. Which is strange because he never does that. But I don't think too much of it. 

When he returns, he looks like a kid on Christmas morning realizing the number of presents they have to open. 

More excited than him, only a Labrador when the owner buys new chew toys. 

"Pack your bags." He says. 

"What?" 

"Pack your bags." 

"I'm not going anywhere." 

"Just, please, trust me? Pack your bags." He says excitedly. 

"Harry." 

"You're scared of being out in public because you don't want anyone to see you and spread it out there. I promise that we're not going to be seen." 

"Where would we be going?" 

"Can't tell you that." 

"Harry, I need to know if we can go or not." I say seriously.

"Do you trust me?" 

"Yes." 

"How much?" 

"With my life." 

"Then trust me on this. We're going somewhere no one can find us. The team that I hired are experts on keeping people off the radar. We're gonna be okay. I promise." 

"Where are we going?" 

"It's a surprise." 

"What team did you hire? What for?" 

"Part of the surprise." He smirks. 

I stay staring at him for a while. 

"What should I pack?" I relent. 

"Summer clothes and swimsuits." He grins. 

"Swimsuits?" I shriek. "Where are we going?" 

"Can't say." I sigh and he kisses me quickly. "Go pack. I'll make you a sandwich." 

I go upstairs to pack and he stays behind to make us something to eat. 

"How long will we be there? I don't know what to pack." I sigh.

"A bunch of swimsuits, a few light shirts with shorts, maybe a couple of dresses and underwear." He says simply. 

"No pants?" 

"No." He shakes his head. 

"Nothing remotely regular? What is this place?" 

"Trust me. Just pack very summery." 

"Okay." 

We have lunch together with the sandwiches he made and soon, my parents come to take my cats home with them.

"How did you know to book my plane?" I ask him as we load the cats into my dad's car. 

"Your mom did it for me. We may or may not have bribed your pilot." He laughs and I shoot him a look. 

"Are you gonna tell me where we're going?" I ask again and he shakes his head. "Mom?" She smiles and shakes her head and my dad does too when I look at him. 

"Fine." 

We hug each other goodbye and finally head into the airport. 

As we board the plane, I search for clues of the destination but none are anywhere to be found. 

I sit down by the window and he stays by the isle. 

"Babe, you're killing me. Where are we going?" 

"Chill. You'll know when we're there." 

"You know I can just go and ask the pilot, right? He'll tell me." 

"I know. But you won't." 

"What?" 

"You'd have to go through me." He smirks and I sigh. 

After we take off, I keep looking out at the landscape to see if I recognize anything, but it's nothing familiar. 

After a while, I give up and just get some sleep.

We make our second stop now and I'm growing rather impatient. The first was a mandatory one in LA. We didn't have to leave the terminal whatsoever, so we're cool.

This one is in Sydney for fuel and maintenance of the plane. 

We stay there for 3 hours. I manage to fall asleep in the backseat of the car while waiting by the terminal. 

I'm aware I should be stretching my legs or something, but I'm exhausted and no one can blame me. 

We board again and this time, I can't fall asleep at all. 

Next thing I know, the copilot comes and tells Harry we're about 30 minutes out and contact has been made already. It's all set in motion.

"Harry..." I whine. 

"We're almost there." 

"Where is there?" 

"You'll know when we get there." 

I huff and cross my arms over my chest. 

When we finally do land, I ask again, only to be told we're not "there" yet. 

A helicopter flight is needed. It's almost noon now. 

"I'm hungry." I whine. 

"I know baby. We'll be there super soon." He says as he cradles my head after we boarded the helicopter. 

When we take off again, a bit of nausea hits me but I'm able to contain it a bit more than I normally would at the beginning. 

We fly over a beautiful reef and I'm completely in awe of this place.

We land at the island and two women await for us down at the beach. 

"Welcome to Pumpkin Island, Love. We have it to ourselves for the next 8 days." Harry says quietly and I hug him tight smiling from ear to ear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Taylor is still a little blue but the mentions of the eating disorder comes in her doctor's appointment so I guess it's mostly mild.   
> If you want, go back and read the chapter fully aware that you should skip her appointment part, but if you don't wanna do that, here's what happens in this chapter.
> 
> Harry is still very sweet about things but Taylor is still very much blue.   
> In her appointment, the doctor talks to her about the weight she's actually losing and why, but everything seems okay.   
> They're supposed to keep an eye on it though. 
> 
> In order to help Taylor feel better since she doesn't want to be seen in public (mostly due to the Kanye debacle), Harry arranges a trip for the both of them as a surprise for Taylor to a place called Pumpkin Island. 
> 
> The chapter ends when they arrive at the Island.


	27. Island

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely human beings. 
> 
> It's my birthday!!!!
> 
> Here's a present for you guys. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it.

After initial greetings and an overly excited retelling of details of the reef, on my part I'm afraid, we are shown to our cottage.

"This is the Pebble Point Cottage." Elize says as she brings us to the main door, which lacks a lock, I realize. "Your kitchen as you pre-ordered, is fully stocked. Your entire menu is pre-made so you just follow instructions from the menu list in each of the meals to quickly finish it. Water is absolutely safe to drink too.

Unfortunately, none of the cottages are able to power hair straighteners or driers, toasters, or anything of the sort as we are sun and wind-powered. We also don't have an oven. You do have a stove though. All the towels, beddings and kitchen drapes you'll need are in the linens closet.

The bedroom has covers and blankets.

The water in the bathroom is warm for the shower, but make quick work on it. The supply is rather short.

You have the island entirely to yourselves for the next few days, but given the fact that neither of you are emergency trained, it would be irresponsible from us to leave you entirely alone on the island even with a contract in place for such a risk." 

She says and my heart drops to my stomach. Harry squeezes my hand a bit. Silent whisper that it's ok. 

"Instead, I'm going to stay at the manager cottage with Luna. We're both well trained in emergencies and management of the island. Which means that if you need anything, you have us to help you out. 

Which brings me to safe contacts. You can dial 0000 into your landline and wait and it'll connect you to our cottage. If you need help, we'll be here in 15 minutes with a boat. If you need urgent care, we'll be here in 10 minutes by land and will be met here in another 5 by the coast's helicopter should the need arise. 

I'm just saying those things because it's infinitely important that you know how to handle an emergency. We haven't had emergencies here in years whatsoever, so I doubt there will be any with you guys too.

In case of fired or storms, it's the end of summer do it's rather unlikely any storms will hit us, you either run towards the main beach or you fire one of these flares. There are 5 of those here and they are replaced according to recommendations. 

But please, do not fire this if you don't have a huge emergency because this can be seen miles from the island so someone will respond to it from the coast and we don't want that unless it's a really big emergency. Okay?" We both nod. 

"Now, the manager cottage can't be seen from here and we can't see this cottage from over there either so we're cool that way. There's a big hill protecting you from view. 

If nothing comes up with you two, you won't be seeing us at all until departure day. So be absolutely sure that your privacy is assured with us. No one else knows about your current location except for the people you've come in contact with. Which is basically the pilots from the helicopter, Luna, and me. 

We're all used to getting high profiles here so it's not that big of a deal but also, to make you rest assured, we're all bound by a contract. Do you have any questions?"

"I don't think so." I say as I look at Harry.

"None." He smiles.

"Other than all formalities then, I sincerely hope you have an amazing time here. We made you guys lunch as a courtesy for your first day. I hope you enjoy it. I'll leave you two to enjoy your little piece of paradise now. Enjoy your stay." She smiles and waves at us as she leaves.

"You rented an entire island just for the two of us?" I ask turning to him.

"Anything for you, love." He says smiling.

"Harry!" I say exasperated. "Are you insane?" I ask.

"Insanely in love with you? Yes. Definitely." He says smirking and I smile too.

"You're such a dork." I say as I place a few kisses on his lips. " I love you." I kiss him again. "This is incredible."

"I wanted you to feel safe and be able to enjoy some time. I wanted you to forget all the pressure and problems and just be free for a while. Even if it's a short time, I just wanted to make you happy. And give you a chance to be carefree." He says.

"Thank you." I kiss him again. "Now, about that lunch..." I say after a minute and he laughs. "What? I said I was hungry."

"You did, love. You did. I'm going to get right on to it." He says as he leaves me to go see what lunch she had made us.

After eating it in between animated conversation, we decide to head out into the beach for a minute, to take a look at things and maybe, go into the water.

I go to put on my swimsuit and Harry does the same.

"You know, we could go naked if we wanted?" He says. "We have the whole place to ourselves." He laughs.

"I'm not gonna go skinny dipping with you. Are you insane? Someone could see us."

"Whole island to ourselves." He repeats.

"Not entirely. We have two managers here." I point out.

"Who are bound by contract to not leak any information about us. But also, they're kinda used to having high profiles here so they kinda couldn't care less." He says.

"Still. No skinny dipping." I say and he smiles.

"Maybe another day." He says.

We spread sunscreen over each other and that leads to a heavy makeout session.

His kisses on my neck and his hands fondling my breast put a nice hitch on my breath.

But we're both too excited to see the place so we agree that sex can wait a bit.

As we hit the sand we feel like flying. 

White warm sand underneath our feet. 

Sun kissing our skins. 

Not a lot of waves but ocean noises and birds and trees sounding in the background. 

We're definitely in paradise.

We walk through the beach for a while just enjoying the view first.

When we do later decide to go into the water, it's a perfect temperature. We enjoy just playing around with each other in the water until we grow tired and sit back on the sand to dry off.

We watch the sun setting and I'm inclined to say it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

We walk back to the porch on our cottage and wash ourselves together to get rid of the sand first, then we properly shower.

"You're already tanning. How the hell do you manage to tan and I don't?" I comment and Harry smirks.

"I was born this way, love." He laughs and I spray some water into his face. "Are you sunburned?" He asks.

"No. But maybe tomorrow, we'll reapply sunscreen a bit more often. If I keep this up, I'll be sunburned for sure."

"Okay." He says as he hugs me from behind when I turn to find a place to store the shampoo I brought.

He places a tender kiss on my shoulder and goes up my neck with small kisses.

I grant him space but then I remember the manager said the hot water supply is rather short and to make quick work on it.

"Babe, we need to finish showering. I don't want a cold shower right now." I say as I try to wash myself around his arms.

"Uhmm." He acknowledges but doesn't stop. 

A particularly hard suck on my neck sends my eyes rolling into my head and a low moan leaves my lips.

"Harry." I warn again.

"I can't resist you, love."

"I know. But come on. At least let me wash my hair so when the cold water inevitably comes, I won't have to wash my hair in it." I say and he nods but doesn't let me go. "I need you to let me go in order to do that." I laugh and he lets go smirking.

I wash my hair and he does too and by the time he rinses his off, I've finished already, and smirking all the way, I step out of the shower stall.

"What? Where are you going?" He says in a panicked voice and I laugh. 

"Calm down. I'm just gonna go wait for you in the bedroom."

"But you promised..." He pouts.

"I really can't handle a cold shower right now, babe." 

"The water is still very much warm, thank you." He huffs. 

"I'll be in the bedroom babe. Now finish it up." I say and he nods. 

A loud scream leaves his throat when the ice-cold water inevitably hits him and quietly in my bed, I laugh knowing full well he had it coming. 

I stand by the bathroom door and looking at him as he rinses his body of all the soap.

"I don't wanna say 'I told you so' but-" 

"Don't you dare." He says and I laugh. 

By the time he does hit the bedroom, he's rather cold and shivering.

"Cold water here is freezing cold water. She didn't warn us about that." He sighs as he sits down by my side.

"Oh yeah? You had it coming." I laugh.

We lay down together under the covers as Harry tries to regain some of his warmth.

"Do you think we can eat dinner soon?" I ask and he laughs.

"Is that the only thing in your mind right now?"

"Food?" He nods. "Pretty much. Yeah." He laughs and I do too. "Cut me some slack. The baby is getting big here. She needs food." He kisses my neck.

"Yeah. We can have dinner soon, you adorable dork. I'll go make something."

We end up making dinner together and we have a really fun time trying to figure out how to open the freaking chicken packet to put it in the pan and after we cut it open with a knife, we learned that all we had to do was apply pressure to the center of the package.

After we eat dinner we sit together outside watching the small waves hit the side of the shore where the rocks are.

"This is so beautiful." I say after sitting in his lap in silence for a while.

"Yeah."

"How did you even find this place?"

"I googled it. After I found it, I learned a few of my friends had come here before. Like Jonah. He said this place was awesome. So I called, talked to the organization, and set things up."

"I'm in absolute awe of this place." I say.

"I'm glad you like it."

"I love it." I say.

When we feel like it, we head inside but we're exhausted, so we go bed only to find out it's only 8 pm.

"Jeez. We're behaving like we're 80." I chuckle. 

"We're jetlagged so this doesn't count." He laughs. "Do you really like it here?" He asks after I settle down in his chest. 

"Yeah. I love it." 

"I was getting a bit worried about you. I thought you would end succumbing to the pressure." He says quietly. 

"Not that I haven't." 

"I know. But like, worse than this." 

"You know that I'm happy with you, right?" I look up at him. 

"I know. But I sometimes fear that that's not enough." 

"You are enough for me." I say seriously. "Before... you were enough for me. Now that I have you, I..." I trail off. "I promise you that you are more than enough, babe. I love you." 

"I can't protect you from the world. Can't shield you." 

"I know. You don't have to. It's okay." 

"But I promise you, I love you like I've never loved anyone before and I'll love you until my very last breath on this earth." 

"I know. I love you too." I smile and he kisses me gently. "Thank you for this though. I know I'm a mess but-" 

"You're the mess that I've always wanted so your point?" He chuckles. 

"I just love you." 

"I love you too."


	28. No one has to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double post for my birthday because why not? 
> 
> Enjoy.

Morning comes and the sun rises before either of us are ready to leave the bed.

"Such a shame. I wanted to watch the sunrise with you." I hear him saying quietly as he rubs my back gently.

"Maybe tomorrow. I'm so tired still." I say with my eyes closed.

He kisses my hair and neck a few times to wake me up properly and eventually, I start to respond to his touches.

Before I know it, I'm sitting on top of him rocking our world and screaming his name.

"I missed you like this." He says afterwards as he holds me in his arms.

"I missed you too." I mumble into his chest.

After a few moments, he nudges me.

"I can feel you drifting off." He says. "You need to clean up, darling." I smile a bit.

"Call me that again."

"Darling?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"Darling." He says and I smile as he kisses my nose.

"I love it when you call me that." He smiles.

After a few minutes, he nudges me again.

"Go get cleaned up." He says.

"We should've brought some condoms." I say.

"What for? We're exclusive and you're pregnant."

"Contain the mess." I state simply and he pushes me a bit.

"Touché." He says and I laugh while getting up.

I walk into the bathroom and, after having cleaned myself up, I can't believe my eyes.

I back away slowly having the color completely drained from my face.

As I reach the door, it moves towards me and a piercing scream leaves my throat.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Harry asks as he opens the door.

"A fucking spider!!!!!" I scream. "Get rid of it!" I say.

"How the fuck am I gonna get rid of that? It's huge."

The black huge spider is at least the size of our heads and is slowly moving towards us.

"I don't know. Just get rid of it." I say.

"Go check if there's anything we can use to trap it so I can release it outside."

"You're gonna let it go?" I ask astonished.

"Well, yeah. We're the ones invading its home. It's the least we could do. I'll release it far from here though." He says and I nod.

"I found this." I say as come back with an ice cream container we had eaten the night before and washed it so as to not attract wild creatures to our garbage can.

"It'll do." I watch from the door as he places the container on the floor and grabs a broom to prompt it to walk into it.

"This is not going to work, Harry." I whine. 

"It'll work. Calm down."

It does eventually work. He manages to get the spider inside and trap it with the broom.

We calmly walk outside into the small forest and he tosses the can a few feet forward once we're far away enough from the cottage.

The huge spider crawls out and makes a break for it as if letting it go wasn't a calculated decision on Harry's part.

We walk back to the cottage after collecting the can back and the spider walks the other direction. Or so I hope.

"Can we have breakfast now? I'm hungry." I say as we finally reach the cottage.

"Yeah, love." He chuckles. 

He goes to wash his hands and brush his teeth and I wash my hands and head out to the kitchen to make us some breakfast.

"What do you wanna do today?" He asks as we sit down outside eating some fruit for breakfast while he drinks some tea.

"I don't know. I'm game for anything you want." I say quite mindlessly.

"Anything?" He smirks.

"Wait. No." I panic.

"You said it. Are you backtracking?" He grins so hard I wanna smack him. He knows where that's gonna lead.

"I am!" I say and his smile falls. "I'll backtrack this one." He didn't see this one coming.

"You never do that." He says and I laugh.

"I know. But I don't wanna have sex on the sand at bright midday. Nor in the water where I can actually get an infection and maybe feel the salt going in all the wrong places with friction?" I say and he sinks down in the chair.

"I wasn't going to suggest that." He pouts.

"What do you want?" I ask nonchalantly.

"I wanna take a walk." He says simply.

"O-kay." I say looking at him carefully. "We can do that, I guess."

"Naked." He completes grinning.

"Ugh. Now there's the nasty part I was foreseeing. You can't be trusted, mister."

"Come on. We'll walk just down here on the beach. No one can see us." He begs.

"No!" I say. "What is it with you and nakedness. We are not going to do that. Not today, not at all."

"But I love seeing you naked!" He whines.

"And while that makes me feel kinda good thinking about how I still am rocking a killer body enough that you're horny for me all the time, I'm not about to walk anywhere naked with you." I say and he pouts. "You can see me naked all you want, baby." I say and he looks up at me. "Indoors." I complete.

"But... Sun kissing your skin everywhere is so freeing." He argues.

"Then go on. Go be free on your own." I say and he smirks. "You're a whole different breed. I swear." I say and he yanks his shirt off followed by his shorts.

I get up to put the plates away and he grabs me.

"I wanna see you naked now." He says after he crashes his lips onto mine. "You said I could see you naked whenever."

"Indoors." I say.

"Then let's go inside." He backs me into the living room and he doesn't want to wait so he pulls me to straddle him on the couch.

This time, he's a fast-burning fire that consumes both of us in rapid flames. 

His hands leave red marks on my ass from how tight his grip on me is. 

His kisses make my insides warm and his body against mine makes me want him more. 

When I collapse forward, he doesn't take long to follow me breathing heavily and speechless.

When I wake up after a nap since bring with him drained my energy, Harry is nowhere to be found.

I get up, make myself some tea to quiet down my stomach, and walk outside to the front porch.

I see Harry sitting down at the beach and I walk down to him.

"You're awake." He says after I sit down by his side gluing myself to him. "You made tea?!" He exclaims proudly and I give him my cup.

"Couldn't find you. Thought you'd be here." I mumble.

"Did you rest okay?" I nod and he smiles.

He laughs after a little while out of nowhere.

"What?" I ask puzzled.

"Nothing. Just thinking about how I just fucked you right into oblivion." He laughs and I punch him.

"Way to ruin the moment." I say and he laughs harder. "Stooop!" I whine and he continues to laugh.

"Guess you're getting old, love " He mocks me.

"Flattering. So very much. Charming as ever." I deadpan and he falls backwards laughing. "Fine. Hope you have enjoyed that because you aren't about to be touching me like that at all for the rest of our stay here." I say as I get up to walk back to the cottage.

Before I leave, I turn back and dump a handful of sand in his cup of tea. "You don't get to keep my tea if you're gonna mock me like that."

"Love, I was kidding." He says but he can't stop laughing. "Come on." He calls out but I'm already halfway gone.

I walk inside fuming but without a proper cause. 

Deep down, I find myself aware that it's stupid and childish but I also find myself unable to control the surge of emotions that curse right through me. 

He comes looking for me after a while and I'm in the kitchen making lunch.

"Are you mad at me?" He asks carefully and I don't say anything back. "Love?"

"What do you want?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"On a scale of one to ten, how mad are you?"

"I said no."

He comes around the kitchen island and hugs me from behind as I'm stirring the pan with the chicken for the salad.

"Baby, I was joking." He whispers into my ears. "Sorry I made you mad." He squeezes me a bit tighter.

I don't say anything to that so he just stays like that. Glued to me as if nothing else mattered.

I managed to make us almost the entire lunch with him holding me like that.

"Love?" He asks after a while.

"Hm?"

"Do you know how long you're gonna be mad at me for?" He asks and I sigh.

"Go away." I say.

"How long?" He asks again. "I'm sorry."

I don't respond for a while.

"I know you were joking." I say and I catch him staring at me from the corner of my eye.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. It's just me in my head. I'm sorry. I overreacted."

"You let me know it was not okay to do that. You're absolutely right. If it bothers you, it bothers you. It doesn't matter and I'm so sorry." He says and I turn into his arms to face him.

"It normally doesn't though. I'm much cooler than that. But today... I don't know. I'm sorry."

"My mistake nonetheless. I'm so sorry."

"Mkay." I lean against his chest and he kisses my forehead. "All good."

"What bothered you though?" He asked and I shrugged. "Tell me, love. So I don't make the same mistakes later."

"I'm getting old." I whisper.

"Love, you're literally in your twenties. What are you talking about?"

"I'm older than you."

"So?"

"Five years is a lot."

"I thought we worked through this. It doesn't matter. We're not about to be grounded by chronological rules, love."

"I know." I say. "It just hit me differently today."

"You know that 99% of the time I completely forget that you're older than me, right?" I nod. "Is this ringing in your head all the time?"

"No. Just today."

"Okay." He kisses my head again. "Look at me."

"No." I whine as tears threaten to come down at his request.

"Look at me, love." He asks again and I do. "I love you. I love all there is to you. You are my absolute soulmate and I love you so much it hurts. Your chronological age? Completely irrelevant to that equation. Okay?" I nod. "Also, you've been getting fucked into oblivion for a long time now. This wouldn't be an age-related event." He says and we both chuckle. "I love you. And I'm sorry for upsetting you." He finishes.

"I love you too." I say smiling now. "But can we go have lunch already?" I ask and he laughs.

After lunch, Harry wants a nap but since I've already had one, I refuse to go down. Instead, I lay outside in one of the hammocks overseeing the ocean.

_March 30th, 2016._

_I've been feeling so weird these days._

_Blowing a bunch of things out of proportion._

_Feels like I'm about to explode and when I do, I look around and kinda want to pick up the pieces and put them back into place because I regret blowing off._

_I don't know if that makes sense._

_I'm on this beautiful Island with Harry, but I went off like a siren over being called 'old'._

_I'm looking at this beautiful sea right now but I can't help but think if that's what really is in his mind._

_I'm older than him and he'll forever feel young._

_How the hell has that become my new normal?_

_Is it gonna be like this forever?_

_I'm also terrified of what's to come._

_I can't be normal and I can't have a normal life._

_How am I supposed to bring someone else into this mess?_

_I can't take a single step without being seen._

_I can't go anywhere without being followed._

_It's scary sometimes._

_It's also hard._

_Everything about me is always magnified._

_I guess it's my fault. I overexposed myself._

_But then again, it's not like I knew any better as a young girl._

_Either way, it's just really hard._

_Nevermind._

_I'll be fine anyway._

_Haven't told him yet, but I think I wanna call her by one of the following names._

_Rosie_

_Alice_

_Stella_

_Hayden_

_Maybe that topic should come soon._

_Love, Taylor._

* * *

I don't fall asleep at all but I close my eyes for a while to just enjoy the sounds around me.

After a while, a few lines keep coming back all the time so I take some time to write them down.

I remembered a song I had written a while before when Harry and I broke up, so I went to finish that up.

_"21 years old. How were you to know?_

_My love had been frozen._

_Deep blue, but you painted me golden._

_And you held me close._

_How was I to know?_

_You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it._

_I had a bad feeling._

Finally, this song was finished.

So I moved on to another one after having recorded this one on my voice memo.

" _Some boys are trying too hard. He don't try at all though._

_Younger than my exes but he acts like such a man so._

_I see nothing better. I'll keep him forever._

_I see how this is gonna go._

_Touch me and you'll never be alone._

_Island breeze and lights down low._

_No one has to know._

_In the middle of the night, in my dreams._

_That's when I get to be with you. It's so sweet._

_In the middle of the night, in my dreams._

_I know I'm gonna be with you, so I take my time._

_Me, I was a robber first time that he saw me._

_Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry._

_But if I'm a thief then he can join the heist._

_We'll move to an island._

_He can be my haylor, Burton to this Taylor._

_Every lover known in comparison is a failure._

_I forget their names now._

_I'm so very tame now._

_Never be the same now."_

I finish off and Harry is yet to wake up so I go in to make myself a snack.

After eating a bit, I go to wake Harry up.

"Let's go down to the beach?" I whisper in his ears.

"Right now?" He mumbles.

"Yeah. It's a beautiful day outside. Let's go take advantage of it."

"But I'm sleeping." He whines.

"Not anymore." I sing-song.

It takes a little convincing and the promises of a whole lot of sexy times to get him out of bed, but eventually, it does get him to get up.

We walk down the beach for a while before we decide to go snorkeling.

We see a bunch of fish just off the side of the beach against the stones.

We take quite a few pictures there but then, the sun starts to set and we know it's time to head back.

We sit by the shore and watch as the sun goes down.

Dinner rolls around and we make it together amidst laughter and a lot of teasing each other.

The next morning, we get up super early to watch the sunrise and it is so worth it.

"I think this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen." I say and he agrees.

We later go paddling first and it's an incredible experience.

"How come you can stay up and move and I can't?" He asks as he falls backwards for the thousandth time.

"I guess I was born this way, baby." I say laughing and he starts to swim towards me.

"Yeah? Let's see how your balance does under rough riptide." He says as he reaches me. 

He pushes my board forward expecting me to fall but I actually manage to remain standing.

"What the actual fuck, woman?" He says and I laugh harder.

Later, after lunch, we go kayaking and we can see through it into the water and it's so much fun too.

When night comes around, we're both exhausted.

"I think I might be getting sunburned. Maybe tomorrow I'm gonna chill from the beach a little. My skin is burning and hot." I say as we shower together.

"Sorry. We can apply some soother."

"That'd be good." I say and he nods.

When we leave the shower, I carefully dry myself off, being mindful of the parts of me that are a bit burned.

When I'm done, he comes to spread some of the soother he promised.

One thing led to another and next thing I know, Harry's mouth is on my breast and his hand is making quick work of bringing me over the edge while I straddle him on the edge of the bed.

When I tumble over the edge, Harry catches me shaking and breathing hard.

With hot kisses and urgent touches, he doesn't wait long until he enters me.

He hits me right into my spot and it doesn't take long for me to be panting again.

The next climax hits me different and this time around, I'm a screaming mess, chanting his name over and over again like a sacred mantra.

When he comes too, he collapses backward into bed pulling me with him but that instantly proves to be uncomfortable so I sit back up and start to pull away.

"Not gonna try to doze off, baby?" He mocks.

"Not like this. This is uncomfortable." I whine.

"What is?"

"Laying on you with my belly down like this. It hurts and makes me feel out of breath." I say.

"Oh. Didn't know that." He contemplates for a minute. "Is that why we always have sex with variations of cowgirl these days?"

"Yeah. You didn't know?" He shakes his head. "Thought I told you." I shrug.

"Is it like really painful or..."

"Not really painful. Just a bit. Mostly uncomfortable. Like I can't breathe. Eventually, my limbs will all fall asleep and it's gonna be hell to get the feeling back. But also, it can be dangerous for both me and the baby to cut off blood supply like that."

"Okay. Cool." He says. "Do you wanna lay on me on your back though? I can do that if you want?" He offers and I smile.

"How would that even work?" I laugh.

"I'll show you." He says.

I go to clean myself up and he cleans the bed.

When I return he's sitting by the side of the bed waiting for me.

"Wanna do it?" He asks.

"That sounds awfully dirty." I joke and he laughs.

I take his extended hand and he sits down a bit further down from the headboard. He pulls me to sit between his legs with my back pressed to his chest.

"I'm gonna lay down and pull you backwards with me okay?" I nod.

When he does and we find ourselves lying together like before but reversed, I feel so happy I could cry.

"I missed being with you like this." I say and he squeezes me a bit.

"Me too, love."

"But I actually miss being under you more."

"Why? For sexy times?" He chuckles.

"No." I say. "I mean, yeah. That too. But just in general. I miss the weight of your body grounding me sometimes."

"Soon we'll be able to get back to those times, love."

We lay together like that for about 10 minutes before I grow restless.

"I have to get up." I say sheepishly.

"Why?" He whines.

"My back hurts and my organs feel like they're about to pop. Baby's all the way in putting pressure on them." I say and he sits up helping me up too.

My hands reach my back as soon as I sit up. I have to keep in mind what's the reason why that's also a bad position.

"Do you want a massage?" I turn to look at him. "Just a regular one. Nothing else." He raises his hand in surrender.

"Yeah. That'd be cool." I say and he goes to the bathroom to get some lotion for this.

If I'm being even remotely honest, this is the best short vacation I've ever had.

Just being here with him. Just the two of us. (And the managers, but that's besides the point). It's so fun and light and carefree.

The deepest fear creeping in though is that this bubble will burst so drastically once we return.

If we must, we shall face the music when it comes. But tonight, all I care about is hands pressing down on my skin and how good that feels.

No one has to know how he's loving me and no one has to know how I'm actually happy. 


	29. Time passes differently

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. 
> 
> So, I'm going away for a few days for work and I'll be very busy up until Monday so I just thought I should update this real quick. 
> 
> Today has been quite hectic with packing and everything and so now, as I write this note, it's 1:13 am and I'm in bed with literally no energy to go get my laptop to do this properly. 
> 
> I have no grammar checker on my phone so there's a chance y'all could find more mistakes in this chapter alone than you will on the other 28 combined and for that, I'm so sorry. 
> 
> But I really didn't want to leave you guys without an update until at least next Wednesday, which is when I'll be relaxed enough to do this, so I decided to take my chances and post this anyways so please, let me know if you find horrible mistakes and I'll fix them asap. 
> 
> Anyways, please, let me know what you think. 
> 
> The "Larry" subject comes up. Read the end notes please.
> 
> I'll see you guys soon. Xoxo

The next morning, I wake up to the sun bright up in the sky.

I search for a clock only to be reminded there's none around except for my phone, which I don't exactly know where I put.

I lounge in bed a while longer remembering there's nowhere to be anyway and therefore, no rush to get up.

Harry is nowhere to be found. Probably outside already playing by himself.

I contemplate going looking for him but decide against it ultimately.

I stay in bed for a while before my bladder decides to make itself acknowledged.

I go to the bathroom for my morning routine and then go to the kitchen for some food.

Harry's phone is on the counter, but still no signs of him.

It is 10:47 am. Pretty late, I'd say.

I just get myself some juice and head into one of the hammocks outside.

It's placed under the shadow, so I'm pretty much just enjoying the slight breeze from the island.

I close my eyes for a minute and before I know it, I'm dozing off into sleep again.

Rather than risking sleeping out in the open with tons of bugs everywhere.

I head back inside and doze off in bed again.

I wake up to the sound of rustling in the room as Harry is looking for something.

"What is it?" I mumble.

"Hm?"

"What are you looking for?"

"Oh. I was looking for the other snorkel mask. But now that you're awake, I'm not looking for anything else." He smirks. "You slept a lot today. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess." I say and he lays down beside me.

"Want some lunch?" I scrunch up my nose. "Maybe some ice cream?" I nod grinning and he goes to the kitchen to get me some.

The afternoon is a very lazy affair.

We just hang out on the couch as I sit in his lap doing absolutely nothing but telling each other stories and fears.

I tell him about my favorite memories from my childhood and my worst ones. 

I tell him about middle school struggles and high school experience. 

He does the same with his stories.

"I thought they were booing me." I tell him. "I didn't know at the time that that wasn't meant for me."

"That must've been so hard and horrible."

"Yeah. It really was." I say. "Backstage was a mess that night. Me hysterically crying, my mom trying to calm me but crying too, Beyonce crying too, some others were pissed as hell that this had happened. It was a huge mess. I wanted to leave afterwards but producers asked me to stay."

"I can only imagine how chaotic that night must've been. I'm so sorry that happened. Guy's such a douchebag." He says as he hugs me to his chest. "You did come up on stage though, right? Afterwards, I mean."

"Yeah. All things considered, Beyonce was more than glad to give me her speech time to finish my own. But it didn't feel like it did before. I did it so that I wouldn't start anything but I was hurt and confused and that was a whole mess. I wanted to leave as soon as possible."

"Yeah. I can understand that."

"It was all downhill from there I guess."

"But now what's up with the song he put out with your name and stuff?"

"I don't know. But it's hurtful and misogynist. He's taking credit for my fame and underrating all my accomplishments by attributing my fame to that incident. I had already pulled 7 million off of Fearless before he even dreamed of doing that so to come and make it look like my whole career is resumed to that is outrageous. Calling me mean names after promising me he wouldn't is also a low blow."

"But what the fuck is wrong with him that he felt the need to drop your name like that?"

"Clout, I guess."

"Fucked up, if you ask me."

"Yeah." I sigh. "Either way, I just want to be done with this now. I thought we could be friends after that incident but now it's just... We can't so I'm done mending fences. I'm not out to get him. I just don't want him in my life anymore." 

"With reason. What he did then was fucked up but what he did now was planned and dark. He's truly an asshole." 

"Yeah." I nod. "Anyway, enough about him. Tell me yours." 

"Mine would have to be the Larry Stylinson situation. I mean, to assume something about other people's sexuality is bad enough as it is. But to assume it and refuse to listen to the person when they either confirm or deny what you claim and then proceed to continue to talk shit like that is so fucked up."

"Yeah. That was a lot to handle." I say.

"It's part of the reason we didn't feel comfortable displaying our friendship so much anymore. It got truly weird."

"I can imagine. It must've been fucked up too. But also, how the hell do people come to the conclusion that we're their property and they get to decide stuff about us? Like, that wasn't their place to talk in the first place. Let alone push this whole agenda when you two had already said this wasn't a thing."

"Yeah. But not only that but if we were a thing, Louis and I, I mean. If we were a thing, that level of scrutiny is still unhealthy and weird. Some things we just want to leave there for just us to know. We were never a thing Louis and I, but I'm a thing with you now and I want to keep things just for us to know about 98% of the time. You see how that would've been unfair regardless of the status between Louis and me?" 

"Yeah. As someone who overexposed all of her previous relationships and had each and every one of them ruined, trust me, I know." 

"Not every one. Not ours." He looks at me. 

"Yes, ours." I say. "I had it ruined and had to let you go before. When that happened, I wanted to keep you but the media and public pressure made you a flight risk and that put a huge strain on our relationship. The fact that you came back to my bed over and over after we were done doesn't mean that we weren't ruined. And the fact that you came back to me now... I mean... It's a second chance. The first one was blown to shit before." 

"Yeah... I guess." He says. 

"What's your favorite memory with me?" I ask shyly changing the subject. 

"I think we're making some new ones of those during this trip." He smiles. "But my favorite so far was the first time you told me you loved me. Remember?" 

"Yeah." I blush bright red. 

"You got drunk in literally two drinks and we stumbled going upstairs to your apartment and you asked me to stay that night. It was the very first time you had me stay over. In the morning you woke up and stared at me for a long time and when asked about it you just said it was nothing. By the end of that afternoon before we had sex for the first time you told me you loved me."

"Embarrassing as fuck." I laugh. 

"No. It's not. Why?" He chuckles. 

"We had been together for all of a month." I cover my face with my hands blushing profusely. 

"So?" 

"Weird." I whine. 

"You love hard. So what?" 

"I fall too fast. That's what." 

"You are genuine and wear your heart in your sleeve. I love that about you. I love how true you are." 

"You're supposed to say that. You want in on my pants."

"I do." I can hear the smirk in his voice as clear as day. "But that's not why. I just love you." He kisses my hand over my face and then kisses my lips softly tugging my hands down. "You're too cute, you know that?" He smiles kissing my lips again. "What's your favorite?"

"When you said it back." I smile. "I didn't know if you truly meant it or if you just didn't want to hurt my feelings but it just... It felt nice to hear you say it." I shrug. 

"I meant it. Every single time I said it to you, I meant it with all of my heart." He says and I nod. "Is that why you had sex with me that evening? Because you liked that I said "I love you" back?"

"No. It just felt right." I shrug. 

"Cool." He smiles cuddling me. "Did you like it?" He asks after a while. "Was it... good for you?" 

"Yeah." I say knowing he means our first time together. 

"I had dreamed of that so many times before..." He says and I look at him. "Not just sex. But the proximity and the intimacy and... I just... That was literally my dream come true." 

"Sex with me?" I ask amused. 

"No. Having you. Sex just meant that you were mine." He says and I smile snuggling back into his neck. "Did you know you were only my second?" 

"Person?" 

"Time." 

"You were mine too." I say. 

"Seriously?" He asks. 

"Yeah." I nod. "I had only done it once before you." 

"Close enough to our firsts, right?" He smiles and I nod. 

The night of said day is quite uneventful so we go to bed early.

The next morning we decide to take a walk.

The sun comes up amidst a lot of clouds that day and we later learn that it's an odd one out grey day.

Doesn't happen very often, but sometimes, it just does.

When we return home, it's mostly because neither of us is actually equipped to handle the weather.

A nice warm shower later, and we're in the kitchen making breakfast.

After eating, we decide to get back into bed. We don't have a tv on the island so it's not long before we doze off into sleep.

I wake up first and Harry's hand is laying over my stomach. It rests heavily over it and I move it off quietly.

I get up to look outside and it's still quite dark with rain clouds, but they're mostly off over the sea now. As if it was being taken to rain somewhere else.

"What's on your mind?" Harry asks as he sneaks behind me.

"Nothing really."

"Hm."

"No. Seriously. I wasn't thinking about anything."

"Okay." He accepts.

He kisses my neck and holds me against his chest.

His kisses become more frequent and urgent and I already know where this is going.

"Babe, not right now." I say quietly and he quickly stops as his hands loosen around me. "But don't..." I quickly say. "Don't let go. I like it when you hold me like this." I say.

"Okay."

I truly wasn't thinking of anything until he came about. 

Now on my mind rested the thought of how I wanted forever with him.

When night comes, I make us dinner and we play a bit of UNO cards.

After losing quite a few times, Harry grows tired of it.

"You're cheating." He whines. 

"You shuffled. How am I cheating?" I laugh and he huffs. 

We go to bed with heavy covers over us that night and a sense of calmness and content.

When morning rolls around again, our blankets are scattered everywhere but on our bodies. It's another super hot day.

The sun shines as if the day before it hadn't been covered by dark clouds all day.

No traces of the stormy clouds from yesterday can be found today.

It's a bright day so Harry and I head out to walk around the island very early in the morning. We watch the different kinds of birds all over the place. It's a beautiful view.

There's quite a lot to see.

We walk for a long time before we hit a different beach completely across the island.

We sit down in the sand and our morning goes by like the time is jumping around.

When we return to our side of the island, it's almost lunchtime.

I lay down in one of the hammocks by the front patio.

Harry lays down on the floor in order to cool down his body.

After a while, he comes to sit down by my side on my hammock.

"You're gonna make me fall." I say and he sits down carefully.

He drapes over me with light kisses to my face and lips.

"Nope. Trying to have sex in this thing is a guaranteed injury. No, thanks." I break the kiss.

"Wanna see me avoid that altogether?" He pushes kissing me again.

"No. That wasn't a challenge. I don't want to see us try." I say with his lips over mine and he parts to place kisses on my neck. "Also, I'm hungry." He laughs.

"Nothing new." He smiles fondly.

"Feed me first. Then I'll feed you." I say and he looks puzzled. "Take it or leave it." He laughs.

"Fine." He gets up laughing. 

He leaves to go prep us lunch and I stay behind.

After lunch though, we're both very much exhausted from the morning's activities. A nap is very much in order.

"What are you thinking about doing next?" I ask.

"Maybe taking you up on your offer to feed me." He chuckles.

"Okay." I smirk. "But I meant in life. Like, you're a solo artist now. What are you planning to do with that?"

"I'll figure it out later." He plays it off.

"Are you planning on releasing new music soon?"

"Not yet. No." I nod. "But I've written a couple of things. So maybe I'll start working on those soon." He says.

"Ok."

"Are you?" He asks.

"No. I'm not sure what's gonna happen to my career after this whole thing goes away. I mean, by then, I'll have a baby and there's a chance I'll be the most hated artist ever."

"Love..."

"It's true." I say.

"You don't know that." He says. "Are you writing anything?"

"I'm naturally a storyteller so yeah. Even if I don't publish it, I'll forever write. But I don't know."

"Don't make any decisions yet though. Okay? Keep an open mind. You have one of the biggest fanbases I've ever seen. You'll probably be fine." He says.

"Maybe." I decide to quell his need to make sure I see the bright side even though most times, I truly don't.

After our nap is over, we wake up revigorated.

Between slight kisses and glances and small touches, we escalate things eventually.

"You drive me insane. Did you know that?" He asks and I smirk. "You're incredible, you know?" He looks up at me and I move my hips a bit.

"You know how else I can drive you insane?" I whisper into his ear.

"Hm?"

"High and dry, baby." I say and I get up and take off running down towards the door.

"No!!!!!!!" He yells out. "Taylor!!!!! Come back!" He whines while I laugh.

Not too long afterwards, he comes after me and I take off running the opposite direction.

"You're gonna pay for this." He yells.

"Maybe if you could catch me, I would." I laugh.

"This is just mean." He whines and I laugh harder. "When I catch you, you'll see what retaliation actually is." He fake threatens.

"Good to know. I won't come anywhere near you then."

"Eventually you'll get hungry." He smirks and sits down on the sand having taken care of himself.

Sure enough, I get hungry after a while of just messing with him down on the sand and talking through distance and alert stance. I try circling back towards the cottage but he catches my movements on the corner of his eyes and I know it's a losing battle.

"Alright. What's the punishment? I want a truce." I say and he laughs.

On this island, it's like we live in a bubble. Time passes differently from the rest of the world. Like it's uniquely waiting for us to have a good time before it goes away. So when he crashes his lips into mine after he catches up to me as I give myself to whatever punishment he has in store, I don't mind it at all when he takes a good bite.

Not enough to draw blood, but enough to be quite a bit painful.

"Is that it?" I ask. "I'm really hungry." I pout and he laughs.

"I'll think of something else." He laughs and soothes me with a gentle kiss and holding hands, we return to the cottage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No personal dig to Larries.
> 
> I would be absolutely cool with this if it weren't for the fact that in real life, this is basically people labeling someone who doesn't want to be labeled and ignoring/disrespecting/disregarding the label another someone has declared about himself. 
> 
> I mean, you can ship whomever the fuck you want.  
> Hell.  
> Here I am writing a goddamn Haylor fanfiction in 2020 when Toe/Jaylor have been a thing for what, 4 years now? Please.  
> It isn't about that.  
> It's about respect for people's labels or lack thereof for me. 
> 
> So to fans, I mean no personal disrespect to you, but this is where I stand. 
> 
> Now, if you are a fan of Kanye West, I MEAN FULL PERSONAL DISRESPECT TO YOU.  
> GO FUCK YOURSELF.


	30. Future and promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I waited so long for it and then I missed it because I was tired. Fuck 
> 
> Anyways. 1989 hits guys.  
> Thank you guys so much. 
> 
> Same as last chapter, this one is from my phone too. 
> 
> I'll try to fix them this weekend. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it.

The morning of day seven on the island, a bit of anxiety catches me over knowing that I'll need to return to my regular life tomorrow night.

Harry senses something is wrong but try as he might, he can't make me feel better.

After throwing me over the edge twice, he holds my hand as we walk down to the beach. 

"I wish we could stay here forever." I say as we sit down on the towel over the sand. 

"Me too. But I think eventually, we'd start missing people and routine." He says. 

"Maybe. But living in a world where hate doesn't exist or doesn't matter or maybe doesn't reach is just so nice. You know?" He nods. "I mean, I've been doing this for 10 years. Sometimes it gets rather tiring. I've been in the spotlight for so long that I've forgotten how it feels to be off of it." I say. 

"I kinda know what you mean, but like, on a much smaller scale, I guess." 

"Yeah." I pause for a second. "It sounds kinda ungrateful and bitchy, but like, it's so hard. Growing up under this light, I feel like I just never fully did. Grow up, I mean. Feels like I'm stuck somewhere in my past. Then it was all about music and having a good time. Now it's about... I don't even know." I say. 

"I understand what you mean. And it isn't ungrateful or bitchy. It's normal. You're tired. You've overworked yourself a lot the past few years. It's normal to feel exhausted and want some time to yourself. It's not a crime to take a break, love." He says. "I think what you feel is just human." 

"I guess. But it doesn't come across that way and now everyone hates me for overexposing myself one whole era and then trying to pull back from it to gain some privacy. But I'll soon have a baby and I don't want that for her. A life like my own." 

"But you like your life." 

"I do. I love it. I love that I made it. I'm as big as I'll ever be, probably. 

I love that I get to make music and have tons of people listening to them. Which was always my dream. 

I love that I get to play in sold-out venues. 

I love that I get to travel the world and have a good time on stage with my friends and my fans. It's amazing. 

But I don't love the fact that I can't just go grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks in the morning. 

I don't love that I don't know what it is to grocery shop or shop at all because that's inconceivable at this point. 

I don't love all the rumors constantly being spread with my name because I'm so well known by the public that anything with my name on it will gross money, even if it's not true. 

I don't love that my house needs security because otherwise it'll get constantly broken into by people who either are insane and don't know the limit between loving my work and being creepy or people who actually want to hurt me. 

I don't love that my narratives can't be controlled like everybody else's. 

I don't love to get mobed to the point where I need the police to help me through it. 

It isn't fun anymore. It isn't safe. It isn't okay.

I don't want that for her." I say. 

"I suppose you have a point." He says. 

"Can we go snorkeling again? That was fun." I ask to change the atmosphere. 

"Sure, hun." He says smiling. 

He goes to retrieve the equipment we need and I stay by myself thinking that I could surely get used to this. 

After snorkeling for about an hour, we're back on the sand. As I lay on the towel, sleep creeps in on me for a few minutes. When I wake again, it's Harry sitting by my feet and making noise tapping on sand trying to make, what I assume, is a castle. 

"You need wet sand to do that." I say and he looks back at me. 

"How do you know it's not supposed to look like that?" He smirks and I shrug. 

He cleans his hands on his pants and comes to sit down by me. 

"Want anything?" He asks "Thirsty?" He suggests and I'm expecting a sexual remark but it doesn't come, instead, though I didn't answer, he gets up and leaves saying he'll bring back a lemonade. 

When he does return with lemonade for both of us, he's a bit agitated. 

"What? What's wrong?" I ask. 

"Nothing." He answers quickly. 

"What did you do? What's wrong?" 

"Nothing is wrong." He smiles. "Why would you think that?" 

"Because you look agitated and like you're hiding something." He laughs. 

He pulls something out of his pocket and I panic for a second. 

"I'm not proposing to you yet. You can absolutely calm down already. You look terrified." He laughs and I laugh nervous too. 

"I want to give you this ring as a promise one. A promise that I'll stick around. A promise that I'll love you through it all. A promise that no matter what, we're going to be okay. A promise that I'll love and protect both you and our baby with my life if I need to. A promise that you're everything I need and more and that no matter what, for as long as you want me, I'll love you desperately and intensely and burning bright with all my heart and soul. A promise that someday, if you'll have me, I'll say I do to you so I can finally become your husband. I love you." 

The ring is incredible. 

It has two heart-shaped stones on them. 

One is blue and the other one is green. 

"I wanted the rocks to represent us so I chose to have them the same color as our eyes." He says as he puts the ring on my finger.

Suddenly a slight sob escapes my lips and I cover it with my hand. 

"Why are you crying?" He asks as he chuckles and holds me. 

"I don't know." I laugh and cry at the same time. "I love you. Oh my god. This is so beautiful." I say. "I love you so much." I say as I kiss him. 

"You don't have to wear it on your ring finger if you don't want to. You can put it on a chain or something." 

"Are you kidding? I want to wear it. I love it." 

"Okay then." He smiles and kisses me. 

"Thank you, baby." 

"You're so very welcome." He says and he kisses me again. 

I straddle him to give us both better access to each other while I kiss him long and deeply. 

His hands around me hold me I place while mine just tangles up in his hair instead. 

A long time of kissing him and making subtle moves on his lap has got him pressing into me rock hard. 

"Love, you need to stop moving like that when you've made it abundantly clear that you don't want anything to happen out here." He sighs and rests his face against my chest. 

I purposely move on his lap rubbing his length long and hard and he moans into my chest. 

"Love..." He warns again.

"Do you want it?" I ask as I move again.

"Love- Oh my god." He cuts off after a particularly hard rub. 

"I'll give it to you." 

"What?" 

"My first time doing it out in the open." I smirk and I feel his smile forming on my chest. 

"You don't have to do that." He says as his breathing hitches in the back of his throat after I move again. 

"I'm aware." I whisper. "Do you want it?"

"Yes." He says. 

I let my hands drop in between us to pull his length out of its confinement and push my bikini bottom aside. 

"No sudden moves though. Let's avoid raising sand." I say and he nods. 

As I start moving back and forth on his lap, his breathing becomes ragged really fast and he stills me in his lap after a few minutes. 

"What is it?" I ask concerned that I'm doing something wrong. 

"I'm too into it. I'm gonna cum. Wanna hold off a bit longer." He says and I chuckle. "What? Don't mock me. This is one of my dreams come true. I'm allowed to be over-excited." He pouts. 

"It's okay. You're okay, babe. It's just funny to not be the one on the edge at the very beginning for the first time ever." He laughs too and I kiss his lips. 

We spend a few minutes just kissing, but the dampness accumulating in between my legs is growing to be too much and the feeling pooling at the bottom of my stomach is now demanding to be released. 

"Baby, I need some friction." I say. "Ready for it?" I ask and he nods.

As I start moving again, his eyes roll back into his head and he moans lowly. 

"You're such a goddess. You still drive me absolutely insane every single day." He pants. 

I keep moving calmly over him riding him slowly to build us both up. 

"Are you almost there?" I ask after a few minutes and he nods rapidly. Which indicates that's he's definitely close. "Okay." 

After rocking harder a bit, Harry screams my name like I haven't heard him do in quite a while. 

I hold him to my chest as he releases inside me. I keep him upright and steady while still riding him a bit chasing my own release. When I finally do reach it, I stop moving instantly, thinking he's overbearing on pain now. Instead, as I stop, I realize he's still rock hard on me. 

"What just happened?" I ask him and he shrugs panicked. 

"I don't know. Never happened before." 

"But didn't you just release inside me? I felt the warmth." 

"Yeah. I did." He says. "I don't know why it's still up." He says. 

"Did you take anything?" 

"No." 

"Okay." I say. "Are you okay?" 

"I think so." 

"Want me to keep going?" 

"If you want to, yeah." He looks at me. 

"I need some help though. It's getting a bit hard to ride you like this." I say and he nods. 

With his hands supporting my ass on each side, I start moving again with him helping me move. 

It takes a while before he releases again. 

His hands still supporting me and his mouth kissing me everywhere. 

I reach climax long before he does and when he does, we both collapse on the towel. 

"I need to head back. Two loads is a lot." I say and he laughs. 

"I can help you with that." He says after a minute and a mischievous look appears in his eyes. 

"I can't take another round baby. How horny can you actually be?" I ask amused.

"For you? I'm horny all the time." He says with a low voice. 

"That's not possible!" I say and he throws his head back laughing harder. "You literally just shot me up twice. No way." 

"I wasn't going to suggest that, silly." He says after a while laughing. "Want help?" I skeptically say yes and he gets up, lifts me off the ground, and runs towards the ocean. 

"Harry!!!!!!" I scream laughing so hard I'm unable to say anything else. 

When we reach the water, he sinks us down when it reaches around his waist. 

I surface still laughing so hard I can't breathe and he crashes his lips into mine. 

We play together and swim around in the water for a long time before we both get a bit hungry and tired. 

We eat lunch after making it together and lay together on a hammock outside for a nap. 

We take the afternoon after our nap to paddle and play by the water again. 

I teach him how to properly stand on his board so as to keep his balance when he pushes the water with the paddle and his smile cannot be contained. He's just so happy. 

Later, we watch the sunset again like we have most of the days we've been here. 

"Can't believe by this time tomorrow we'll be getting ready to head home." I say. "I truly wish we could stay longer." 

"Yeah. Me too." He kisses my head. "This has been so fun." He says. 

We head back to the cottage and cook dinner together. 

After we eat outside, we decide to play Scrabble for a while.

Surprising a total of zero folks, I win all four rounds. 

"That's not fair. You always get the best tiles." He whines and I laugh. "Let's play something else." He says. 

"What? Cards? Uno?" I ask still laughing a bit. 

"Uno." He huffs. "I'm good at that." He says. 

"If you say so. Just don't cry when I beat you at your own game." I say and he huffs again. 

"Tell you what. Whoever loses has to go skinny dipping in the ocean. From the house." He challenges. 

"I'm not going to do that." I say. 

"You better see that you win then." He smirks. 

And win I did. 11 times total. 5 in a roll. 

"Seriously. It's not possible. How the fuck do you manage to always win?" He whines. 

He gets up as I laugh and he heads towards the door. 

"You don't have to do that, babe." 

"A bet is a bet." He says smirking. 

His shirt is thrown off to the side followed by his shorts and underwear. 

He smiles at me for a second before he takes off running to the beach towards the ocean. 

I follow him with a towel. 

As he reaches the water, I set foot on the sand. 

He goes under quickly and I watch smiling at his mannerisms. 

When he surfaces, he lets out a piercing scream of "fuck!" and I laugh at that. 

He starts to come back as I wait for him on land ready to wrap him in the towel I brought him. 

I realize a second too late that he isn't at all interested in that. 

I take off running towards the house and he runs after me. This time, with a much smaller headstart, he catches me easily. 

"No! No! No! Harry!!!!" I whine. "I don't wanna. It's cold." I say and he laughs. 

"Too late, babygirl. You're coming with me." He laughs as he holds me just off the ground. 

"I'm fully clothed." I whine. 

"You can take it off if you want." He says. 

"I don't have a swimsuit on." 

"You can go natural, baby. No one's here to see it but me." He says as he kisses my face. 

"I hate you." 

"You love me." He says. 

"I know. But I don't wanna go there!!!" I whine and he kisses me again. 

"Take off your dress, love. Let's live a little before we leave this place." He challenges. 

"Put me down then." I say. 

"If you make a break for it, I swear, you're going in clothes and all." He warns jokingly. 

He puts me down and watches like a hawk as I open up the top buttons of my dress in order to pass it over my head. 

I fold it neatly and place it on the sand and both my bra and my panties go next. 

He picks me back up and I wrap my legs around him. 

He walks towards the ocean again under the light of only the moon and a few stars. 

When he reaches a deep enough space he tells me to get off. 

I reach my foot down first. 

"It's freezing cold!!!!" I exclaim. 

"You just have to go get in. I'm not gonna lie. It'll feel like your nipples will either fall off or turn inside out trying to hide from the cold. But it gets better." He says. 

"I can't." I say after I put my other foot in. 

Without any warning, he drops me into the water and sinks in himself. 

When I surface, a piercing scream leaves my mouth too. 

"Fuck!!!! This is really cold." I say. 

"Swim around. It'll warm you right up." 

We play around swimming for a little while before he comes to hold me. 

"I'm so cold right now." I say. 

"Want to leave?" 

"Not yet. I'm already here anyway." 

"Ain't it freeing though? Skinny dipping?" 

"Freeing? It's fucking cold." I say and he laughs. 

"But it's good to just be. Right?" I nod. "Good." 

"First." I say. 

"What?" 

"Another first. I had never done it before." 

"I'm glad to be of service ma'am." He says and I slap him playfully. 

He stays hugging me in the water as we watch the moon and count the stars for a while. 

When I start shaking out of control, he suggests we leave. 

"You were a bad boy tonight so you get to walk back naked with no towel, sir." I say as I wrap the towel I had prepped for him around myself and he laughs. 

We pick up my clothes and head back inside. 

There's no more hot water since we had already showered before dinner so showering is a whole new bad affair. 

When we're done, Harry holds me against his chest and covers me with two blankets. 

"Are you okay?" He asks concerned and I nod. "Shouldn't have done it. I'm so sorry, love." He kisses my hair. 

"It's okay. I had a lot of fun if I'm being honest. Thank you." I say as I kiss him. 

It doesn't take long before I'm warm enough and can finally climb out of the blanket burrito he's made out of me. 

"Do you think it'd be too scary and dangerous for us to sleep down on the beach?" I ask as I eat some of the grapes he got us for a snack. 

"What? You? Wanting to sleep outside?" He laughs. 

"Yeah." I say sheepishly. "I think it'd be fun." 

"We can do that." 

"Can you make it comfortable though?" 

"Absolutely." He says. 

When he finds a blow-up mattress for camping, we know we've hit the jackpot. 

He sets it up down on the beach and I bring the blankets. 

When we lay together that night, he just holds me close to his body as we count stars again until I fall asleep. 


	31. Happy in his arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm posting yet another chapter from my phone?  
> Yes. Yes, I am. 
> 
> In my defense, I had a lot going on with me this month and life is too mf short for me to care at this point.
> 
> I'm too tired and overworked for anything else right now. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it.

When the morning of our last day on the island comes, I wake up earlier than normal. The sun isn't up yet. 

I run back to the cottage to pee and return to a still sleeping Harry. I guess yesterday really wore him out.

I lay back down and watch the sky change to morph into the image of what the morning light looks like. 

Harry wakes up as soon as the sun starts peeking from the horizon. 

"Good morning, love." He says lifting his head to kiss my cheek as he's laying half on his stomach, half on his side. 

"Good morning, babe." I turn to kiss him properly. 

"Ugh. I have to get up." He says after a minute. 

"Not right now, you don't." I say. "I've made some of your dreams come true, now we'll make mine." 

"Which is?" 

"Love under the first morning light." I say as I reach for his shorts under the covers only to find him rocking a hard morning wood.

"As you can see, we can definitely do that." He smirks. 

I kiss him again and I massage his length as he moans into my mouth. 

His hands find my nipples quickly under the oversized shirt I'm wearing. 

He quickly flicks them over and over again a few times before his hands travel south to find me soaking wet already. 

He gathers some of my wetness and rubs it on my center in fast circles. It doesn't take long before my hand falters on him and my climax hits so hard I feel like I'm gonna shake right off the mattress. 

He holds me close to his chest and his hand slows to a stop. 

I ride my orgasm out for a little while before his incessant kisses and the restless movements of his hips remind me of his predicament. 

"I'm ready." I tell him as a way of consenting to the next step. "I'm a bit tired of cowgirl though." I tell him. 

"Wanna do reverse?" He asks. "Whatever you're comfortable with." He says. 

"Hm. No. Same style."

We try doggy style, instead. 

"Wait. No. Stop." I say and he halts his movements instantly. "Uncomfortable. Pull out." I say and he does. "My belly is too heavy. Feels like it's gonna tear up and let all my organs plus baby fall out." I laugh a bit and he does too. 

We try sitting up and that isn't the best logistics as we both have some limbs that can't quite find a place to settle. 

Plus, that requires me to still do all the work, which I'm trying to avoid right now. 

We find that the best option is when I lay down with my back to him and he enters me from behind. 

Essentially, spooning, but make it sexual. 

It's nothing sexy, that's for sure, but comfortable as hell.

He slowly builds up to a nice rhythm. 

"Are you okay? Is this good for you?" He asks concerned. 

"Yeah." 

"Is it comfortable?" 

"Yeah." He remains silent after that.

He works the rhythm and soon, he's dangling me over the edge again. 

When he shoots me up I feel like I'm floating and the rest of the world is a distant memory. 

"Was it everything you wanted?" He asks after a while. 

"Yeah." 

"Who knew you had fantasies of getting it on out in the open." He chuckled. 

"I didn't." I say. "I was just horny and this seemed like a perfect opportunity." I say and he fakes shock. 

"I take offense on that ma'am. You used me." 

"And you loved every second of it." I say scooting closer to him.

"No ma'am. Go away. You don't get to use me for body warmth too." He scoots back further away from me. 

"Stop." I whine. "Hold me. I'm sleepy." I say and he laughs. 

"Such a baby. Oh my god." He says pulling me towards him. 

"Your baby though." I say looking up at him and he kisses my forehead. 

"Aren't you going to go get cleaned up though?" 

"Already did. With your shirt." I say smirking and he slaps my butt over the blankets and I laugh. 

"You're pushing me today. Go to sleep before I decide to toss you out in the ocean." He threatens playfully. 

"Don't you dare. I'm cold and tired." I say. 

"Test me then." I bite his chest and he squirms. "Fine!!! I won't. Stop." I let go and he touches the place I bit. "That hurt." He says pouting. 

I kiss it for a few seconds. 

"There. All better." I say and he smiles. 

"I know of something else you could kiss better." He smirks. 

"Stop. Sleepy time." I say and he smiles hugging me to his chest. 

I nap for about a half-hour before my bladder decides I've had enough sleep. 

We go inside taking all the things we had taken down to the beach. 

We take up the morning to take another walk. We end up spotting some dolphins from the high observation point. I'm so excited about it. 

When we return to the cottage at around lunch, we cook it together and eat quietly.

After lunch, we pack up our stuff and set out an outfit for the traveling later. 

As we finish packing, we lay down together in bed to rest a bit. 

"What do you want to do? Nap?" He asks. 

"No. I wanna be tired so that I can sleep on the way home." I tell him. "Maybe paddle again? And snorkel." I say enthusiastically. 

We go down to the beach to do just that and then spend a while just swimming and playing in the ocean. 

"I can't believe we have to leave today." I say as I hold on to him. 

"Yeah. Me neither." He agrees. "We should set up to come back sometime soon." 

"Sometime soon we'll have a baby. I don't think we'll be able to come back here so soon." I say. 

"Yeah." 

"You know what else I can't believe?" 

"Hm?" 

"Cannot believe you refused to make my dream come true." He huffs. 

"What dream?" I ask looking at him now. 

"Skinny dipping." 

"We did it though. Last night." 

"I wanted it during the day." He says as he kisses my collarbone.

"Fine." I relent. 

"What?" He asks absolutely shocked. 

"I said fine. Let's do it." He puts me down searching to see if I'm messing with him. 

"Are you messing with me? You're messing with me. You are. Right?" He can't control his words now. 

I take off my bikini top and hold it out for him. 

"Better?" I ask and he looks down. 

"Much. Yeah." He hurries to connect our lips and I smile into his kiss. 

He pulls away and takes off his shorts as I reach down to pull off my bikini bottom. 

We are now standing in the middle of nowhere wearing absolutely nothing. It's freeing to some degree but unnerving to another. 

"I can't believe we're doing this." He says laughing. 

"Are you happy?" I ask. 

"I was already happy. But this is one hell of a bonus to happiness." He says as he hugs me again and kisses me. 

When we part again, he goes back to the sand quickly to discard of our bathing suits and he comes back running. 

He takes up holding me again as we just watch the water moving around us. 

"I have another dream you can make come true." He teases. 

"What is it?" I ask suspecting it already. 

He balances me to be held by one hand as he uses the other to get my hand to feel his length. 

"Yeah. That one is a 'no-go', baby." I say and his face falls. "Lots of bacteria in the water. I can't have that water thrusted into me. It could harm both me and the baby. Sorry." I say and he nods but his pout is still in place. 

"I'll let you have me back at the cottage if you want though." I say and he smirks. 

"Alright. We're leaving." He says as he carries me out of the water and into the cottage. 

Once we're properly dried up, we settle back down in bed. 

He kisses my lips, my face, my neck, my collarbone until he reaches my chest. 

He pays thorough attention to both my boobs and he drives me insane with it. 

When he gives me a particularly hard suckle though, the unexpected happens. 

A squirt of milk comes out into his mouth and as he lets go, it sprays him all over his face. 

"What the fuck?" He says as we're both trying to plug my breast as if it were a leaking plumbing.

"Oh my god." I say in horror. "What the fuck?" 

"Oh my god." He says and he starts to giggle. "I literally just got your milk on my mouth." He says and I laugh. "Is it still coming out?" He asks as he's still holding it so as to not squirt on his face anymore. 

"I don't know. I don't think so." 

He slowly lifts some of his fingers to peek underneath it and though it is a mess of whitish liquid in there, there isn't any more coming out. 

"For fucks sake." He says as he laughs. "That was wild." He collapses by my side.

"Sorry." I say meekly. "Didn't know that could happen so soon." 

"It's okay. I don't mind it." He says caressing my arm closest to him. "This wasn't there yesterday though." He says and I chuckle. "Also, it doesn't taste as bad as I would've thought. But it's warm." He says and I scrunch up my nose. 

"Disgusting."

"It isn't. I promise. It's just weird. I don't really enjoy warm milk." He says. "It's not hot nor is it cold. Just warm." He says and I make a disgusted face. 

"Lukewarm is what we call it. It is also known as disgusting." I say and he laughs. "There's a reason why nobody ever orders their beverages Lukewarm. It's either cold or piping hot. Lukewarm is disgusting."

He stays laying down by my side as I pick up my discarded shirt to clean us both up.

"So, on a scale of one to ten, how disgusted are you?" I ask shyly. 

"Minus 10. I'm not, love. It's okay. It's normal. I truly don't mind it." 

"Mkay." 

"So, do you want to continue or..." He asks and I contemplate for a second. 

"I want to continue, please." I say and he turns on his side to kiss me all over again.

Once we begin again, it doesn't take long before I feel his length spreading wetness from precum everywhere it touches. 

"Inside. Now. Please." I say and he complies. 

He works me up on a slow rhythm. Like he's worshipping my body. Or maybe our love. 

I reach my first climax of that afternoon and he holds me to ground me for a moment but he's still rock hard inside me. 

I give him the go-ahead and he starts to thrust inside me again. 

Before he's even remotely close to his climax, he rubs me in tight small circles and I'm once again dangling from the same precipice. 

Suddenly, he comes to halt and my eyes snap open. 

"What the actual fuck?" I ask him. 

"High and dry, baby!" He laughs. 

"I swear to god. If you attempt to get up from this mattress without finishing me off I'll hurt you." I say. 

"I'd like to see you try, you adorable little pinscher." He teases.

"Fucking finish me already." I demand. 

"I already gave you one because I'm not as mean as you were, baby. Don't get greedy." He smirks. 

"Why the fuck dia you build me up again then?" 

"So that I could do this." He states simply as he smirks.

"Harry, I mean it. Finish me off." I say. 

"No." 

"Harry!" I say exasperated. 

"Only if you admit how mean what you did to me was." He says referencing when I left him high and dry. 

"It was mean. Fine. Whatever you want to hear. I can feel it subsiding already. Come on." I whine. 

"You're so lucky I love you. I'll finish you off. I'm not that mean." He laughs but doesn't move to build me up again. 

"What are you waiting for?" I whine again. 

"I'll wait for you to cool down. Building you up is quite fun." He says. 

"I was almost there." I sigh.

"I know." 

"Harry, please... Please, move." He doesn't. "Please?" I say again turning my head back to look at him. 

"Fine. You dork." He says and this time he moves. He slowly builds me up again and stops again. 

"No!" I scream. "Stop it." 

"I already did, love." He mocks me.

"Harry... This isn't funny." I whine and he laughs. "Please..." 

"What do you want, baby?" He teases.

"I want you to finish me off already."

"What do you want, baby?" He asks again. 

Is it dirty talking he wants? I'll give it to him. 

"I want you to quit messing around. I want you to take your goddamn dick and fucking slam it into me until I hit orgasm so hard that I fucking can't even remember my name because I swear to god, I can't take another edge like that. So fuck me already. That's what I want. I want you to fuck me senseless." I say and he smirks. 

"So, my girl's got some dirty talking huh?" He says still without moving. 

"Harry!!!!" I scream out of frustration. 

"What, love?" He fakes innocence. 

"Please... It's starting to hurt." I whine. 

"Hurt where, baby?" He asks lightly. 

"Bottom of my belly. Please..." 

"I don't know, love. I've grown so tired over the last 5 minutes. Maybe we should stop-" 

"No!" I say quickly. "Harry, please. I'm begging. Did you realize that? I'm begging. Please, just finish me off already." 

"Hm. Let me think about it." He pretends to be deep in thought. "Fine. But promise to never again leave me high and dry like you did." 

"I promise." I force out. "Now do it. It's really starting to hurt." I whine. 

He starts to move again but at a much slower pace than before. 

"Not like this." I whine in protest. 

"You asked me to move, baby. I'm moving." He smirks. 

"I asked you to finish me off." I say. " Faster, please? I'm growing incredibly frustrated and I'm gonna finish it myself if you won't."

"Okay, baby. I'm sorry. I'll do it properly. Okay? I'm sorry." He says as he sets a proper pace. 

Before I know it, my toes are curling and my whole body is contracting and releasing in time with the waves of my climax. 

It hits me so strong that I failed to realize he hasn't stopped after I reached my climax and he rapidly builds me up for the next.

I've almost reached it when suddenly, it stops being pleasurable and starts being painful. 

"Ow. Stop." I say and he stops instantly. 

"Are you okay, baby?" He asks. 

"Too much." I say and he kisses my face while leaning over me. 

"Did I hurt you?" 

"No. Just can't reach another one right now." I say and he places a kiss on my cheek. 

"You did so beautifully, baby. I can't believe I get to be in love with you. You're such an amazing woman. I trust you with my whole body and soul. You are incredible and beautiful inside and out and I love you so much. But also, sex with you is so insane and intense that I forget completely about anything else. You're amazing." He praises me to help me calm down since my breathing picked up and got ragged. 

"I need to sit up, please." I say after a minute. He helps me sit up and I stretch my back to stick my chest out. "Can't breathe properly." 

"Do you need me to call the managers?" He asks. 

"No. It was just a lot. I'll be okay." I say and he nods as he sits behind me. 

After a few minutes, my breathing goes back to normal so I turn around to see him. 

"I love you." I say and place a gentle kiss on his lips. 

As I settle down in his lap, I realize he's halfway up still. Indicating that he didn't release and it was now subsiding. 

I straddle him and he lets me do it thinking that I'm just looking to get comfortable.

Instead, I sit down, reach between us to massage him to get him back up. 

"What are you doing?" He asks stilling my hand. 

"Getting you off." I say shrugging. 

"It's okay." He says kissing my cheek again. 

"I want to do it." 

"I know. But you don't have to." 

"I know." I say as I stare deep into his eyes. 

He lets go of my hand and I continue to work him up. 

Once he's hard enough, I line him up to my entrance.

"Love!" He exclaims. 

"I know what I'm doing. It's fine." I tell him. "Just, no rubbing, okay?" He nods. 

I start gently rocking into him as his breathing picks up. 

He's close to the edge as I pick up the pace. 

Once he's close enough, I clamp down a few times and he shoots up inside me. 

I rock into him slower and gentler than before to allow him to ride out his climax. 

Once his hands shoot up to my hips, I know to stop. 

"Good?" I ask as he rests his face on my chest and shoulder. 

He nods a bit disoriented first and answers with a "Yeah." afterward. 

I hold him like that for another few minutes. 

I feel his kisses coming up from my chest towards my lips leaving a trail behind and I can't help but think that I'm so happy in his arms I could melt. 


	32. Bad, bad girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.  
> Heard about Taylor's masters being sold yet again.  
> Girl just can't catch a break, huh?
> 
> If you defend scooter, you're an asshole.  
> You can love an artist and still hate their manager. (In case your excuse is that you love an artist working under him.)
> 
> Anyways, happy and excited about the re-recordings. 
> 
> Also, Harry being the first male to ever be on a VOGUE cover by himself? Awesome. 
> 
> Back to the story, though. 
> 
> It's 4:07 in the morning as I write this note and there's one hell of a storm going on here, which I wish I could sleep through, but sadly, my cat is scared of thunder for some reason so she just refuses to go to sleep and wants to stay awake looking out the window while aggressively meowing at me to let me know that she does not appreciate storms as I do. *SIGHS*
> 
> Went ahead and ran the past three chapters through my grammar checker too :) 
> 
> Anyways, here's an update for you guys. Hope you like it.

By the end of the afternoon, we leave to meet our ride on the main beach.

  
"Did you two have a good time?" Elize asks.

  
"We very much did. Thank you." I say smiling and Harry nods in agreement.

  
"Do you two want to come inside for a minute? Your ride should be here in about a half-hour." She says and we agree.

  
She makes us some tea with cookies and we tell her about us spotting some dolphins this morning.

  
Before we know it, it's time to go and our ride is here. 

  
We say our goodbyes and we get in on the helicopter that came to get us back to the airport where the plane awaits.

  
Once we're back on the plane though, it doesn't take a long time for me to fall asleep.  
I'm fast asleep when we stop in Sydney first for maintenance of the fuel before taking off towards the US.

  
When we board again, I fall asleep for the second time.

  
I wake up again hours afterwards when we're about an hour off of LA.

  
"Did you sleep well?" He asks and I nod.

  
"Yeah. But kinda still tired." I say as I sit up.

  
"You hungry?" He asks.

  
"Not yet." I say.

  
"We're about to land in LA soon. Maybe we can eat something there."

  
"No. Thank you. The airport is probably super busy." I say and he nods.

  
Guess we're reverting back to our reality already.

  
We land in LA for a mandatory scale and then take off again.

  
When we land in Nashville next, it's the end of the afternoon of Monday.

  
"Hi, honey." My mom greets and hugs me as soon as I leave the plane.

  
"Hi, mom!" I hug her tight. "I missed you so much!!!

  
"How was your trip?" She asks.

  
"Good. It was really good." I say.

  
"Nice flight?"

  
"Yeah."

  
She plants a kiss on my cheek before letting me go.

  
"Hi, dad." I say as I hug him tightly too.

  
"Hi, honey. I missed you." He says.

  
"Missed you too." I say and he too kisses my cheek.

  
"Harry." My dad says. "Thank you for taking such good care of our little girl. She seems happier than ever and I'm guessing it's because of you." He says as he shakes Harry's hand.

  
"Thank you, sir. It was absolutely my pleasure." He says.

  
My mother hugs him instead.

  
"You did good, son." She says as she pats his back.

  
We head back into the car and my dad is driving and my mother requests to go in the backseat with me so that leaves Harry to go in the passenger seat.

  
Surprisingly, Harry and my dad can put up a lot of conversation between them so my mother and I turn to conversations of our own.

  
"How was it?" She asks.

"Amazing. I had such a good time." I say. "I have so much to tell you." We both giggle.

  
"You finally tanned." She says.

  
"I did. But I sunburned first." I say and she laughs.

  
"That's more like it." She says. "Your belly grew. You're absolutely glowing."

  
"Thank you, mom." I say. "We saw some dolphins!" I say excitedly.

"Did you swim with it?"

  
"No. It was quite far off the coast. Swam with some fish though. Snorkeled. It was quite fun."

  
"I can only imagine." She laughs a bit.

  
"I had such a great time."

  
"I'm so glad, baby. So, so glad." She says as she hugs me and kisses the side of my head.

  
"I'm quite hungry. Do you have any food on you?" I ask and everyone laughs a bit.

  
"I have a lollipop." My dad says and passes it to me.

  
When we finally get to my parents' house, I smell the food from the door already.

  
"I'm rather inclined to just go eat first and see the cats later but I think they'd be offended." I laugh a bit and my mom laughs too.

  
"Meredith. Olivia... I'm back!" I call out.

  
They come to meet me but don't come close enough to touch me.

  
"Are you guys mad at me?" I ask and a couple of meows from Olivia comes to greet me. Meredith remains quiet. "We'll handle this better when we get home." I scratch behind their ears and leave the bedroom again to go wash my hands to have some dinner.  
When I get downstairs, Harry is setting the table, dad is seasoning the salad, and mom is reheating the food.

  
When we sit down to have dinner, a lot of animated conversations go on about how we had quite some fun on the island and how my cats were mad that I wasn't here and got in a fight with Kitty, who happened to lose the fight. Both cats were put in time out in the bathroom for scratching Kitty's ear.

  
After dinner, I feel incredibly tired so Harry and I decide to head home and leave the cats to be picked up the next day.

  
"Bye, mom. Bye, dad." I call out once they drop us off at my house.

  
When we finally get to the bedroom, I lay face down on the bed.

  
"I'm so... happy." I say and Harry laughs.

  
"Thought you were going to say tired."

  
"That too. But so incredibly happy." I say.

  
"Me too, love."

  
I get up to shower with him and we finally get to wash calmly rather than being controlling the water to avoid cold showers.

  
When we leave the bathroom, Harry insists on drying his hair but I truly can't wait any longer. As I sit down to wait for him, I crash down.

  
"Love, lay down. You're gonna have a sore neck." He gently shakes me awake. When I open my eyes he repeats. "Lay down. Wanna take this robe off?"

  
"I'm not wearing any clothes." I mumble disoriented and he chuckles.

  
"It's okay." He says as he pulls my robe off.   
I lay back on my side of the bed and turn to the side to find a comfortable position.

Within a few seconds, I'm asleep again.

  
When I wake up again, the sun isn't up yet.  
I quickly head to the bathroom and come back but this time, Harry is awake too.

  
"You okay?" He asks as I slip into bed again.

  
"Yeah. Had to pee." I say sheepishly.

  
"Mkay." He closes his eyes again and I do too.

  
Sleep doesn't claim again though so I'm left wide awake.

  
"Harry?" I whisper.

  
"Hm?"

  
"Thought you were asleep." I whisper.

  
"No."

  
"I can't sleep anymore." I say.

  
"Shh, love. Just stay very quiet and still and it'll come back." He hugs me closer.

  
After another five minutes goes by and sleep hasn't claimed yet, I nudge him again.

  
"Harry?" I whisper.

  
"Hm?"

  
"I can't sleep."

  
"What do you need, love?"

  
I place his hand on the right spot on my back.  
"Want me to pat or rub?"

  
"Rub." I say.

  
He rubs me for quite a while but sleep just refuses to take me anymore.

  
Once his hand stills again for the hundredth time as he struggles to not fall asleep, I decide to get up.

  
I have some breakfast and take some time to just unwind from traveling while I put down some ideas in my music notebook.

  
By the time Harry wakes up at 7:30 am, I've been awake for over 2 hours.

  
"Couldn't find you in bed. How long have you been up?" He asks as he places a chaste kiss on my lips and goes around the kitchen collecting things for breakfast.

  
"Couldn't fall back to sleep so I got up." I shrug.

  
"Jetlag?"

  
"Probably." I say. "Did all our laundry though and baked a pie." I say and he nods.

  
"Are we heading out to your parents after lunch or before?"

  
"Before. Mom is making us lunch. She wants to catch up." I say. "I'm going to meet Abigail there too. I've missed her." I say and he nods.

  
After breakfast, I start feeling rather tired so I head back to bed leaving Harry to his own devices for a while.

  
When I wake up again, it's 10:00 am and we need to get going.

  
We get ready and leave together to my parent's house. We're having a barbecue today. I'm rather excited.

  
When I get there, Abigail had beat me to it. She made it about a half-hour before me.

  
"Hi!!!" She squeals in excitement. "How are you doing? You look gorgeous." She says all in one breath.

  
"I'm good. Thanks. How are you?" I ask back.

  
"Good. Good." She says as she lets go of me.

"Hi, Harry. How are you?" She asks him smiling and shaking his hand.

  
"Hi, Abigail. Nice to see you. I'm good. How are you?"

  
"Good." She grins.

  
As we head inside and we get hugs and kisses from my parents, Harry goes to help my dad outside with the grill and both me and Abigail go to help my mom in the kitchen.

  
Austin shows up a little later and after hugging me, he too goes to join my dad to help out.

  
"So how was it?" Abigail asks.

  
"Good. You know. We had a lot of fun." I say as I mix my batter to make the cake.

  
"I know. But like, how was it? You gotta give me more than that." She presses on as she's mixing the icing for the cake.

  
"We snorkeled. Paddled. Kayaked. Swam a lot. Walked a lot-"

  
"Banged a lot." Abigail deadpanned as she grew impatient with my lack of details.

  
"Abigail!" I say as I throw a chocolate chip at her and she laughs.

  
"Honey, you're pregnant. It isn't a secret you and Harry have sex. Come on." My mom chimes in as she stirs some vegetables in the pan for lunch.

  
"Mom! Jesus... You guys." I say as my cheeks burn bright red.

  
"It's true though. So how was it?" Abigail asks again.

  
"Good." I say again.

  
"Taylor, come on." She whines.

  
"Fine!!!" I say. "It was great. I think we connected in ways we hadn't before." I say as I start to pour my batter into the recipient to bake. "Gave him some of my firsts too." I say and as I look up, my mother is bright red staring at me and Abigail is looking between the two of us before she suddenly bursts out laughing. "Not what you're thinking." I say and my mom looks unimpressed. "Skinny dipping." I explain. "I went skinny dipping with him." I say and she turns around. "Well, you asked." I mumble.

  
"I regret it already." She fires back and both Abigail and I laugh at that.

  
"He gave me a promise ring." I say. "It was quite the sweet moment." I say and they both come to take a look at the ring.

  
"But why not a proposal ring?" My mom asks.

  
"Because I'm not sure I'm ready to be married yet." I say and she nods.

  
"It's beautiful." Abigail says.

  
"It is. He's got a fantastic sense for these things. It's a gorgeous ring."  
"Yeah."

  
We all go back to our stations to finish our parts of today's lunch.

  
"So, you said some of your firsts. What are the others?" Abigail asked and a carrot top hits her this time. "Girl, come on. Just tell me already."

  
"I slept with him outside on the beach." I blurt out.

  
"On the sand?" My mom asks quickly.

  
"No. We had an air mattress." I say and she sighs in relief.

  
"Yeah. But like, slept and dreamed or like slept with him outside?" Abigail presses on.

  
"I am going to strangle you today." I say and she laughs but presses on. "Both." I mouth to her and she giggles.

  
"Taylor, please, just tell me you did not attempt any funny business out in the sea?" My mother asks in a low tone without looking at me.

  
"I did not." I say.

  
"Jeez. Ok. Now go away you two. Go catch up about this somewhere else because I'm ready to drop dead if this keeps up." She says and we both laugh.

  
As Abigail and I reach my old room, we sit in my bed to talk.

  
"So you two got it on outside AND skinny dipped?" She asks. "Girl, I'm impressed." She laughs.

  
"I was a bit resistant at first. But as the days went by, I realized that there was no particular reason as to why we shouldn't, so I did." I say.

  
"But like, sand. How did that even work?" She asks.

  
"Boots. We didn't step directly into sand. We set a sheet down, set the mattress down on top of it, making it like a bed with blankets and all, sat down on it, took our boots out and that was that. Kinda like camping." I say.

  
"I guess." She smiles. "How was skinny dipping?"

  
"Harry set a bet because we were bored one night. We played games and he lost a lot. Then he decided we should play UNO. I won again and so he ran naked from the house to the water. I went to wait for him with a towel and failed to realize that he didn't want the towel at all. He grabbed me and the rest is history."

  
"Bad, bad girl." She says and we both laugh.

  
"I don't know Abby. I just developed this huge appetite for him during this trip and I swear, he's horny like 24/7. Any time. I touch him, he's right there. Kinda got scared for a minute. But decided that to enjoy it was the only acceptable reaction, so I did." I say and she nods.

  
"You go, girl." She high fives me. " One thing though. How is it? With your belly and stuff?"

  
"Girl, hard. A while ago I realized I couldn't be under him anymore. So we started working on cowgirl all the time. But the number of times we were in it on the island... I got tired of doing all the work, so we had to change positions a lot. It's becoming harder and harder, to be honest." I say and she nods. "How has it been between you and Matt?" I ask.

  
"Nothing as exciting as you and Harry." She says and I laugh. "But we're good. He's still the same super sweet guy and I love him for it."

  
"I know. But like, what else is up? Are you climbing the walls yet?"

  
"Over sex? Nah." She says nonchalantly.

  
"You're getting laid." I state rather than question and she turns crimson red. "You're a bad girl too." I laugh.

  
"The only reason we made that promise was to quell our parents' concerns of a curse on our wedding. So why the hell should we keep that up? No one has to know." She says and we high five again.

  
"Here's to 'no one has to know's that we always end up sharing with each other." I laugh and she does too.

  
"Clink, clink, bitch." We toast with our cups of orange juice.

  
"How did you know you wanted to marry him?" I ask.

  
"I just did. He's everything I wanted in a guy. We've dated long enough. I know him well enough. The sex is amazing. He's super sweet. He loves me. I love him. I just knew."

  
"I think I have all of that with Harry, but when he pulled out a box with a ring, I think I was ready to bolt." I say.

  
"In five years, where do you see yourself?"

  
"I don't know." I say.

  
"Then you're not ready yet." She says. "There comes a point where if asked anything like this, the answer will sound obvious. You see yourself with him."

  
"I think I want that. To be married to him. I think I'm just scared."

  
"Yeah. You have a lot on your plate right now."

  
"Yeah. Maybe when the baby is born and the world knows about her and all this shit storm is long passed, I'll know."

  
"Exactly. But don't push yourself or pressure yourself into figuring this out. You'll know when it happens." She says.

  
As soon as she finishes saying that, I hear my mother call out that lunch is ready.  
"I'm not a bad girl though." She says as we get up to head downstairs.

  
"Neither am I. But we do bad things more often than not." I say and we both laugh.  
Over lunch we make light conversation and jokes and the day goes by in a blur.


	33. Further from the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double post because why the fuck not?

The days blend together as soon enough, it's April the 15th.

Appointment day.

"Hi, Taylor." Dr. Sullivan greets as I walk in. "Harry." She shakes his hand.

As I sit down in her office first, we get right into business.

"Taylor, you look amazing. Did you enjoy your trip?" She asks.

"I did. Thank you." I say and she smiles.

"I'm so very glad." She says. "About the thing we talked about last month. How's it going?"

"Good. I'm feeling much better." I say and Harry eyes me.

"Okay. Good. Your test results came back normal once again. Nothing wrong there. Which is great." She says. "How have you been feeling, health-wise?"

"Good. A lot of back pain though." I say.

"Are you managing them?"

"Yeah. Harry helps with massages and when that doesn't work, he runs me a nice hot shower." I say and she smiles.

"Okay. Good. Anything else? Headaches? Discomforts? Stomach or bowel issues?"

"None."

"Great. We're gonna need a urine test this time and we'll get everything else since you left the country."

"Okay."

We get the blood and the urine tests done before anything else.

She weighs me again and seems very pleased that I've gained some weight.

I get on the table next and get covered with a sheet.

The Doppler is placed around my belly and starts working to indicate my baby's health.

"How're your baby's movements?"

"It depends. Some days she is super active and agitated and some days she moves but much quieter. Today is a quiet day." I tell her.

"It's okay."

"Any pain in your belly?"

"No."

"Okay. Did you have sex in the last two days?"

"No."

"We'll check today with pap smears okay? If you have any kind of infection, I want to know about it right now." She says.

"Okay."

She inspects my private parts for a little while.

"Taylor, are you feeling any discomfort in your vagina area or perhaps when you urinate?"

"No. Not at all."

"Okay. A bit reddish here."

"I-" I start but cut myself off and look up at Harry.

"What?" She asks.

"I went skinny dipping while I was there. Could it be the reason?" I ask.

"Likely not. This is probably from something you applied here or maybe some fabric."

"Okay."

"Did you two have sex in the ocean?" She asks.

"No." I blush harder than I was before.

"The sand?" She asks and I scrunch up my nose.

"Kinda." I say and she looks at me like she's about to slap me. "Not directly on the sand and we were very careful so as not to get any sand on me. It worked, I think."

"Do you know how dangerous that is?" She chastised and we both look down. "How many times?"

"Twice." I say and she nods.

"It doesn't look infected but we'll have to keep an eye on it. It might not be related to the trip at all but we have to cover our basis."

She says before she does all the tests.

"Everything seems in order. I'll rush these in and set up another appointment if needed." She finishes and I sit up.

"Okay. So, about sex." I say and Harry looks ready to drop dead. She looks at me, then him, then me again.

"What about it?"

"Babe, maybe you should go wait outside a bit." I say and he nods leaving.

"So, what about it?"

"We've had a very active sexual life lately. But it's getting harder and harder... You know... To... Uhm... Find our way?" I say embarrassingly.

"What do you mean? Find your way?"

"Like, finding a good position. The missionary was ruled out long ago. Now some of the ones we were using where I'm on top became hard too. And others are just downright painful or uncomfortable, at the very least." I say.

"Okay."

"Is that normal?"

"It is to be expected. I should suggest either you on top however you feel comfortable or maybe, if that's too much, you can always resort to doing it on your side. If you still have a good appetite for that but can't find the position, there's a bunch of sexual things and different sexual pleasing ways for you and your partner to try that doesn't necessarily involve him penetrating you. Like oral sex, if that's already a thing between you two."

"Okay." I say shaking with embarrassment. "Still can't hurt the baby, right?"

"Nope. She's still very much safe up there. There are no signs of any tears or problems. It should be okay still. But do keep in mind that if you resort to oral sex or something similar, NEVER blow air up your vagina and avoid sticking tongues in your vaginal canal. The bacteria in his mouth could be harmful to you. Always pee afterwards and in the case of oral, give yourself a good wipe down with antiseptic wet tissue or maybe a shower but no need to push water inside you. Just wash outside and your natural lubricant will take care of the inside." She says.

"Okay. Okay. Something else happened though. Milk came in. Isn't it a bit early?"

"Not at all. You should have at least a couple of drops coming out under stimulation by now." She says.

"Yeah. But like, it wasn't just a few drops." I say.

"Oh?"

"I uhm... Harry and I... Well, you know the drill on foreplay." I cut off and say refusing to keep myself like a stuttering mess under her gaze. "He gave me a particularly hard suckle and he got a mouthful of milk in return." I finish while feeling my face burning.

"Okay. We'll take a look at that but that shouldn't be an issue anyway." She says.

"Okay."

"Now you can let your gown down past your chest. Rest your arms at your side."

She inspects my breast carefully and presses down on it.

"Any tenderness?"

"Not anymore. No." I say and the milk comes rushing in running through her fingers towards the back of her hand. "See? I told you." I say as she gets some gauze to clean it up. "It's a lot of milk at minimum stimulation."

"Yeah." She agrees. "Your nipples improved quite a lot. You're still gonna need to exercise them for a while longer. Now, this might be embarrassing to answer, but remember, this is literally my job." She says as she looks at me while pressing down at my nipple to stop the milk flow. "How are you doing your nipple's exercises? Because which one you choose might actually be the reason why you have milk coming in so fast." She says.

"I tried the pump. Felt like a cow. So Harry's doing it." I say.

"Okay. Since you're pregnant, your body is getting ready for your baby. The suckling motion probably set off the reaction of producing milk. It isn't a problem. It's just an inconvenience."

"Okay."

"How was Harry with the whole milk situation?"

"Oh, he was fine. He got quite the scare but other than that, he found it funny. Said it isn't as gross as he'd think."

"Good. Because there's no stopping this. This will get better once the baby is here because your body will learn to regulate the production based on demand. Until then, he might get a couple of squirts in his face whenever you foreplay like this, I'm afraid."

"But how are we going to keep doing the exercises? The milk is gonna keep coming and you know... Kinda weird."

"I guess you two will have to just deal with this. He can spit it out if he wants, or swallow it. Either is a valid option. It's not like your milk can harm him." She says. "Unless he's lactose intolerant." She corrects rapidly.

"He isn't. I just find it so weird." I say.

"It's fine. However you feel comfortable, just stick with it." She says.

She finishes my breast exam and we move on to the sonogram so we call Harry back inside.

The baby had grown again and was beautifully resting on my belly.

"Nothing seems to be wrong with your baby. That's good." She says as she cleans up my belly. "You can go get dressed now. I'll meet you back in my office." I nod.

This time, Harry comes in with me because today I've been particularly stiff so putting my pants on is a bit of a hassle and putting my socks and shoes on is downright impossible.

When he dresses me and we return, dr. Sullivan awaits for us at her desk.

"So, Taylor. Everything sounds good. Doesn't look like anything is wrong. But you left the country, so keep an eye out for any changes.

Your vitamins are going to be replaced today. I'll add another dose of iron complex. You're very close to the limit and I don't like it. Other than that, everything should be fine." She says.

She couldn't be further from the truth of future events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, double post because I was anxious to drop this chapter on you. LMAOO
> 
> I'll see you guys in about a week or so.  
> Good luck.


	34. Complications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss the interactions... :/  
> Either way, though comments do make me incredibly happy, I have different reasons to be posting this story and none of them is even remotely related to how much interactions I might get from it so rest assured I will be seeing this through.  
> But if you can, please do let me know what you think.   
> That helps me work better to make this an enjoyable ride for you guys and myself. 
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> Here's another chapter.   
> Hope you enjoy it. :)

"Are you okay, love?" Harry asks as I get up for the thousandth time.

"Yeah. Just a bit of discomfort. Can't find a good position to sleep in." I say and he sits up.

"Want another massage?" He asks. He had already given me two sessions of 30 minutes each.

"No. Thanks. It's ok. You can go back to sleep." I say and he just stays staring at me.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" He asks.

"A hot chocolate would be better." I say sheepishly.

"I'm on it." He says as he gets up to make me some hot chocolate at 2:30 am.

Once he leaves, I get up and pace the room a bit. It seems to help a little but not much.

The baby seems agitated tonight and is moving around all the wrong places.

One particularly long and hard kick under my ribs has me on my knees when Harry returns.

"Love, maybe we should go see a doctor. Maybe call Dr. Sullivan." He says as he helps me to bed again.

"I'm not contracting or anything. She just seems to have taken haven way up north tonight. She's kicking under my ribs." I say as she gives me another one.

I place his hand on the place she's kicking and he's in awe and terrified at the same time.

It's so painful that it brings tears to my eyes.

"How can we make her move down or stop?"

"We can't. She does that on her own." I say after I can breathe again.

"Hi, little girl." He says placing his head close to my belly. "Mommy is having a tough time with this so maybe if you could ease up a bit on the high up north kicks, that'd be cool, you know?" He says to my belly and the baby instantly goes quiet.

"Keep talking. She stopped." I say as my hands instantly go to support his head and caress his hair.

"So baby, I know you must want to move around and stretch and all but like, mommy's tummy isn't big enough for that. So go easy on her okay? Maybe, if you behave very, very well from now on, I could sing you a song?"

He asks and I notice him go silent so I look down only to catch him looking at me for approval. I nod my head yes and he places a pillow on my lap for support and starts singing so I look up again to allow air into my lungs more easily.

_"Where it began, I can't begin to knowing_

_But then I know it's growing strong_

_Was in the spring_

_And spring became the summer_

_Who'd have believed you'd come along?_

_Hands, touching hands_

_Reaching out, touching me, touching you_

_Sweet Caroline_

_Good times never seemed so good_

_I've been inclined_

_To believe they never would"_

When he eventually ends the song, the baby's been a bit quieter and has definitely moved down a bit.

"How is it?"

"Better." I say. "But I kinda feel nauseous." I say honestly.

"Do you think you're coming down with something?"

"No. I think she was pressing up against my stomach, now that she's released it, it's trying to adjust so it makes me queasy."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry baby, but I don't think I'm gonna drink the chocolate." I say. "I don't think I'll keep it down." I say.

"It's okay, love. I'll keep it in the fridge for you and maybe you can have it in the morning." I nod.

When he returns, I finally find a position to sleep in. The baby is still a bit agitated, but at least she isn't under my ribs anymore.

When morning comes, I wake up to Harry gently shaking me.

"You promised your mom we'd go there today."

"What time is it?" I ask.

"9 am."

"Mkay."

"Good morning." He places a chaste kiss on my lips while I rub my eyes.

"Morning." I respond.

I get up and realize once again that my back is killing me. But then again, I'm 31 weeks pregnant. That should be expected, I guess.

I shower while Harry watches from the bathtub as he had already showered himself.

When I'm ready to come out, he comes to help me to dry myself.

He applies lotion all over and massages my back a bit, which helps some, and massages my belly to avoid stretch marks.

"I'm so tired." I say as I lean into him resting my head against his chest.

"Do you want me to call your mom to tell her we're not coming?"

"No. It's fine. I can always just go to bed there if I really need to." I tell him.

We arrive at my mom's at 11 am.

"Hi, mom." I greet and she hugs me.

"Hi, honey."

"Where's dad?"

"Outside in the garden."

I go outside to greet him too but head inside quite quickly.

As I lounge with my feet up on the couch, my mom picks up on my current mood.

"What's wrong honey?"

"Some back pain. Baby's taken permanent residence under my ribs. My belly feels weird. She's too up north."

"It's probably normal honey. She'll likely come back down by tomorrow."

"I hope so." I say.

We all have lunch together and as both my dad and Harry decide to watch a game on TV and my mom goes back to tide up her kitchen, I retreat to my old bedroom.

I arrange the pillows to offer my belly some support but nothing seems good to stay in for too long. I'm rather tired but every position seems to be a bother.

I get up and sit on my reading chair. It doesn't rock, but it's comfortable.

I can watch the window from here.

It's comfortable for a while but then the baby gets a bit agitated again.

I lay back down flat on the bed to try and force her by gravity, to get off my ribs.

Needless to say, it doesn't work.

Suddenly, as I'm laying down, I feel a warm liquid coming down from my canal.

I run to the bathroom and sure enough, as I pull my pants down, there's a bit of blood on my underwear.

I pull it up and search for my phone shooting a quick text to Harry. 

"Can you send my mom upstairs for me please?"

He doesn't respond. He hasn't seen it yet. So I shoot him another text.

"It's important."

Nothing.

"Harry!!!"

Still nothing. So another one.

"Harry!!!"

I hit send again.

"Harry!!!"

I'm almost to the point of crying. So I hit the call button instead.

When he picks up, I hang up. He'll read the texts.

"She's on her way up. You ok?"

"Idk. A bit of pain. Will ask mom to take a look."

"Ok. Let me know."

I hear a knock on the bedroom door so I yell "Come in."

"Where are you?"

"In the bathroom." I say.

I hear her footsteps approaching the door. A knock and she pops her head in.

"What do you need honey?" She asks.

"Mommy." I say as tears come to my eyes.

"What's wrong?" She changes her stance and comes all the way in now closing the door behind her.

"I have a little bit of blood on my underwear. The baby is really agitated today and I have a bit of pain in my belly now." I sob.

"It's okay. We'll take care of this. When did the bleeding start?"

"About five minutes ago." I say. "I felt it coming down so I came to check, thinking it was just discharge."

"Okay. It's okay. And the pain?"

"Same." I tell her. "Am I gonna lose my baby?" I voice my biggest fear.

"I don't think so, honey." She says. "We'll take care of you and your baby. Okay?" I nod. "Come here, let me take a look." She says and I stand and pull my pants down. "Yeah. That's bright blood. Come lay down a bit, honey. I'll call your doctor." She says.

As I get to the bed, she puts on a towel and tells me to lay down on it. I discard my pants and underwear and lay down pantless covering myself with a blanket.

"Hello? Dr. Sullivan?" I hear my mom on the phone at the end of the bed. "Andrea Swift. Taylor's mom. Hi. So, Taylor has a small bleeding, some back, and belly pain and she said the baby is really agitated today." She says into the phone. "Yeah. Bright red. But not a lot of it." She says and then listens to what is being said on the phone. "Okay. We'll see you soon. Thank you." She hangs up.

"What did she say?" I ask still crying.

"She said there isn't a reason to worry yet. It's likely a tear since it's not a big amount of blood. She said to clean you up and drive you there right now."

"Mkay." I say.

I sit up again and find my phone to shoot Harry another text.

"Small bleed. Called the doctor. We're gonna need to head over there. 😭"

Not ten seconds later, he's knocking on the door.

"What's wrong?" He asks as he sits by me and I collapse in his arms.

"Harry, maybe help me get her in the bathroom in my bedroom to take a bath real quick?" He nods and gets me upright.

He undresses the rest of me and takes me to my mom's bathroom, placing me on the half-full bathtub my mom has ready for me.

"Love, talk to me." He begs but I can't. I just sit there staring at the water.

"Honey, I'll bathe her very quickly. Can you please go get things ready so we can drive down to the hospital and please let Scott know?" My mom instructs.

Reluctantly, he leaves my side and goes.

My mom bathes me and helps me get cleaned up.

"Am I gonna lose my baby?" I ask again. "I don't wanna lose my baby." I sob.

"We're not there yet. You're okay and the baby is okay too." My mom says.

She helps me get up off the bathtub and dries me up quickly and directs me to the bedroom where she's carefully laid out a different set of underwear for me to wear and a pair of black leggings too.

Helping me put on a pad to avoid any spotting on my clothes, my mom gets my shirt over my head, a hoodie and then I sit down to put my shoes on.

I collapse onto her side again, sobbing all the way.

"It's okay, honey." She says as she kisses my hair. I can hear the tears in her voice too.

Once she's done putting my shoes on, we get up to go downstairs.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I see Harry and my dad waiting for us.

I take a step forward in Harry's direction and he encircles me in his arms as I collapse sobbing again.

"I'm sorry." I whisper over and over and over again.

"It's okay, love. You're gonna be okay." He says as he kisses my head.

"I don't wanna lose our baby." I whisper looking up at him. He places a gentle kiss on my lips and smiles cleaning my tears with the sleeve of his own hoodie. It's the first time he kisses me in front of my parents. He did it to calm me down and it seems to work a bit.

"You're okay. Let's head over to check this out. Okay?" He says calmly.

We walk to the car together. My dad's driving and Harry is in the backseat with me this time. We're on our way to the doctor's office.

I whimper again as the baby moves under my ribs again.

"What?" Harry asks.

"Ribs again." I push out.

"You need to breathe, love. Can't hold your breath like that." He says.

When we finally do make it to the office, Dr. Sullivan is already waiting for me with a nurse ready to help.

"Hi, Taylor. Heard you're having some issues." She says calmly when I enter her office.

"Am I gonna lose my baby?" I ask as the tears just flow down.

"We're gonna make quick work of checking what's going on and to let you know how that's going to affect you and your baby. Okay?" I nod. "But I'll do my very best to keep your baby inside and very much alive. Okay?" I nod again.

"Okay." I sob.

"Stephanie is going to assist today. Is that alright?" I nod and look over and the nurse smiles at me. "She's gonna help you change into a gown and collect some samples while I prepare you for other exams." I nod. "Everyone else, I'm gonna ask that you guys wait outside. It's less stressful for her if there isn't a lot of people around even if it's her own people." She says and I feel the blood drain from my face. I don't wanna be in there alone. "Harry, you can stay if she wants you to." She looks at me and I nod in relief.

Both my parents head back to wait outside and Harry is placed in the back of the office while Stephanie, the nurse, helps me change out of my clothes into the hospital gown.

"Taylor, we're gonna need a urine sample. To rule out an UTI. Do you think you can do that?" Stephanie asks and I nod. "Good. Okay. I'm afraid I can't let you go alone whatsoever." She informs me regretfully and I nod.

Turns out, I very much can't do that. No matter how much I try, I can't pee at all without feeling like my belly is going to explode.

"I can't." I sob at her and she comes to help me back up into the chair.

"It's okay. It's okay. Don't worry. Just tell me what's up."

"I can't do it." I say.

"I know. But what's wrong? Is it empty, half full... What is it?"

"It hurts to push it out." I say and she nods.

"Okay. It's fine."

"Can we go check my baby now?" I ask and she nods.

She takes me out of the bathroom and onto the table I go.

As I settle down on it, a bit of pain shoots through me again as the baby's once again moving under my ribs.

"She can't put out urine. She said it's painful. There's a chance it's just anxiety, but though she isn't having any contractions, I thought it'd be for the best not to force it." Stephanie says as I listen close.

"It's ok. Get me a catheter though. Leave it on standby. And get me a fast consult with a urologist." She says. "So Taylor, let's check up to see how that baby of yours is going." She smiles.

As she pours the gel over my stomach, I can't help but cry still. The fear of receiving the news that my baby is gone is crippling.

"What are you seeing?" I ask as the doctor doesn't say anything.

"Okay. Your baby is having some lows on the heartbeat so I'm gonna have you placed in oxygen." She says setting the nurse in motion to give me an oxygen mask. "She's still there though and there's no indication that you're miscarrying."

"Okay. So what's wrong?" I ask.

"There's a small tear in the placenta. It's tearing away from the wall." She says. "That's what caused the bleeding and the pain." She finishes.

"Can you fix it?" I ask.

"I can't fix it. Due to the placement of your placenta, it can't be fixed vaginally in here. You'll need to be admitted. It'll need to be evaluated by a specialist and there's a slight chance it'll require surgery." She says and my world collapses. I can't seem to hear any more of the things she's saying.

It takes me a while to understand that the movement I feel going on around me is because I'm crying too hard and my heartbeat has shot through the roof.

"Calm." "Taylor." "Still." "Okay." "Fix it." "Coming."

These are just a bunch of disconnected words I can hear amidst the whole thing until Dr. Sullivan presses firmly down on my sternum shooting a sharp pain through my chest.

"Listen to me. You need to calm down. You're gonna get yourself too worked up. What we need is to remain calm." She says as I manage to focus. "I'm gonna call a colleague whose specialty is to treat cases like yours. She'll come by to check on you. Until then, you're going to stay here." She says and I nod but can't stop crying so my heart rate can't normalize.

"Harry, try and calm her down. Stephanie, place a 911 call on Dr. Herman. Tell her to come down here asap and tell her to not bring anyone else. Let her know it's a high profile pregnancy." I hear her saying while all of Harry's words are lost in me.

"Love, can you listen to me?" He asks and I finally look up at him. "It's okay. The other doctor will fix it."

"I'm gonna need surgery." I wail.

"I know. But it'll be okay. She's probably the best in her field. You'll be okay."

"I don't wanna lose our baby." I am unable to calm down.

"You're not going to." He says and I just cry harder. He doesn't know that.

"Harry, I really need her to calm down." Dr. Sullivan says again. "Her heart rate needs to drop now."

"I'll go call her mom. Maybe she has better luck with this." Harry says as he leaves me to find my mom.

A minute later, she walks through the door into my line of view.

I don't say anything. Instead, I just feel her arms awkwardly encircle me.

The new doctor comes after a while with Harry and my dad in tow.

"Hi. I'm doctor Nicole Herman." She shakes my mother's hand and touches mine holding it and giving it a little squeeze. "Taylor, I'm gonna assess your situation, is that okay?" I nod. "I'm gonna ask both grandparents and dad to sit back over there to allow her to calm down." She commands. "I'm gonna need to do a pelvic and I need a 3D sonogram please." She commands and Stephanie gets right on to it. "Tell me what this is, please." She says looking at Dr. Sullivan while her hand still holds mine.

"She presented with some discomfort since yesterday and an increase of baby's movements following the discomfort. She presented with a small discharge of bright red blood in her underwear this afternoon. Her mom called me, I told her to come over. Initial scans Indicated a small tear of the placenta from the wall but her placenta is pretty high up, I can't fix it here. She's unable to put out any urine. She reports pain while trying. Blood works have been collected and put on rushed order down in the lab. Baby's sats were a bit low so I placed her on oxygen. She has since been unable to calm down so her sats are up right now because of that." Dr. Sullivan fills her in.

"Okay. When was her last appointment."

"Just two weeks ago."

"Nothing to indicate trouble then?"

"No. She was perfectly fine."

"Okay." She says. "Taylor." She looks back towards me and squeezes my hand a bit. "We're gonna have a sonogram. To see how your baby is doing. But we're gonna do a pelvic exam first to rule out any tearings of the cervix. I'm gonna take care of this. Okay?" I nod.

She lets go of my hand and goes to exam me.

"There's no sign of any tearing in your canal but there's a bit of a dilation. It's likely caused by the bleeding rather than anything else, but I'm gonna have to admit you to keep an eye out on this. I'm also gonna have to put you on Trendelenburg while I figure this out." She says. "Do you know what Trendelenburg is?" I nod. "Okay. Good. Now, there's a bit of blood still coming out. We'll take a look at where it's coming from with the ultrasound." I nod and the tears are still rolling down.

She sets up the 3D ultrasound machine and takes the Doppler out.

"She's hiding pretty high up. It's likely why you've been feeling a bit of pain and discomfort." She says as she looks at me. "Her heart rate is back to almost normal but I'm gonna keep you in oxygen for the time being." She says and I nod.

"Am I gonna lose her?" I ask as another sob wrecks my body.

"Listen, if we don't fix this, I can't lie to you. There's a small chance of it happening." She says and I start sobbing again. "Shh. Calm down. Calm down." She places her now gloved hand over mine as she gets up to clean me up and come closer to me. "Taylor, the bleeding is very minimal and the tear is absolutely fixable. We can take care of this. Okay?" She asks but I can't stop it. I'm shaking now and my chest hurts. I can't breathe. "Taylor!" She says firmly and louder than my sobs. "You and I? We are a team now. Do you hear me? You and I are a team now. We're going to work through this as a team. I'm going to work to fix this sooner rather than later. That's my part on this team. Your part is to calm down a bit for me. Your chest hurts now. Doesn't it?" She asks and I nod. "It's because your heart is on the limit. Too fast. Can you take a couple of deep breaths for me?" I try but fail so she helps to sit up a bit. "Deep breaths now." She says and I try to comply.

"Listen, you're gonna need to be admitted and I'm recommending Trendelenburg to avoid contractions." She says after I've managed to calm down slightly. "I'm gonna try to repair this vaginally, but if I can't, then a small surgery is going to be needed." She says. "Nothing to worry about yet. I'm gonna go arrange for you to be quietly admitted and will book an O.R. My hope is that we can fix this easily. But I want to take every bit of precaution."

"Okay." I say finally.

"We-" Harry starts saying but cuts himself off. He seems deep in thought.

"What?" Dr. Herman asks.

"We went on a trip. Could that be the reason for the tear?"

"Depends. Did you have a lot of heavy activities?"

"We swam a lot, played together on the water, snorkeled, paddled, kayaked and you know... Had a regular... Uhm..."

"Sexual life?" She asks and Harry blushes harder than ever and nods. "When was this trip?"

"We returned three weeks ago. Stayed there for 8 days."

"Then it's definitely unrelated. You would've seen signs of this way earlier than this if it was by any means related to your trip. To be honest, this is mostly random. Some women have it, some don't." She says smiling and he nods. "Taylor, I'll see you upstairs." She says and I nod.

"Please, order a cardio consult. I wanna make sure that heart rate is okay." She says to Stephanie before she leaves.

A urologist comes as soon as she leaves and a catheter is placed to make sure I'm not retaining urine. The order to evaluate my kidneys is placed and soon, he too leaves.

After being settled in Trendelenburg in a private room, the cardiologist comes to check on me.

"Hi. My name doctor Maggie Pierce." She says and I nod.

"Hi. I'm Taylor." I rasp out.

"Andrea. This is Scott and Harry." My mom says and they all shake hands.

"I was told we have a bit of a concern over your heart?"

"Yeah."

"We're gonna do an ECG with Doppler to make sure. You're 31 weeks pregnant?" She asks and I nod. "Okay. I'm gonna put you in a regular position. I have to ask that you please, don't attempt to get up. You'll feel rather dizzy. It's normal. We'll wait about 15 minutes before I perform the test to give your body time to level up your blood flow. Okay?" I nod.

"Okay."

After 15 minutes, she sets up the machine by my left side.

"So, Taylor, please open the top buttons of your gown and let it past your breasts." She says.

"We're gonna wait outside, honey." My dad says as he drags Harry out of the room before I can even say anything.

Upon giving me what essentially looks like a sonogram of my breast and a Doppler much like the ones they normally give the baby, she's done.

"There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with your heart. I'll let your doctor know. But I just wanted to calm you down a bit. You look perfectly healthy." She says.

I was in fact a bit calmer after that. Through all the complications today, not having one with my heart was already a good deal and felt like a win.


	35. We're a team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry for the delay. 
> 
> So... BOTH MY BABIES GOT GRAMMY NOMINATIONS!!!!!!!!  
> I wanted to post 6 chapters in honor of Taylor's noms for folklore, but that was not possible. 
> 
> Yet, I can't just not say it... Halsey with Manic, Lorde with Melodrama, The Weeknd with After Hours, and Selena Gomes with Rare... Big snubs.  
> And then, they nominate Justin with Changes and Yummy. Come on. 
> 
> Anyways... Here's a chapter for this ride. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think.

The time for me to head to the OR came and I was a nerve wreck.

"I don't wanna lose my baby." I sob into Harry as he hugs me for a few minutes. "I got scared at first and I didn't want to be pregnant but now I want her so bad. Why is this happening?"

"I don't know, love. I wish I could magically fix it." He says and I sob harder.

"What if she can't fix it?"

"She will fix it, love. She's the best at what she does. She'll fix it."

"You don't know that." I sob even harder.

"She will fix it." He says again and I just cry harder than before.

Every sob is leaving my body so intensely they make my throat hoarse.

"Hi, Taylor. Time to go fix this." Dr. Herman says showing up at my door.

A new nurse prepares me for the surgery and I just continue to cry right through it.

As I'm being taken down to the OR, Harry and both my parents come along as far as they're allowed.

"This is as far as you can go, guys." The nurse says.

"It'll be okay, sweetheart." My dad says first as he places a gentle kiss on my forehead and one on my nose like he used to do when I was a kid. "We're going to be right here when you get back." He says and I nod. "I love you."

"Love you too." I say.

"I'll wait for you here, honey. I love you." My mother says and she too places a tender kiss on my forehead and a longer one on my cheek.

"I love you too." I say to her too.

Harry comes into my line of view and he takes a hold of my hand.

"You're gonna be okay. And the baby will be okay too. Try to remain calm. I'm one hundred percent sure you're in great hands." He says as he looks up to the doctor and she smiles. "Be good out there. Okay?" He squeezes my hand three times. 'I love you'.

"I love you too." I say and he smiles.

"I really love you with all my heart and soul." He says and he comes down placing a tender and calm but quick kiss on my lips.

I go inside the OR and the nurses instruct me to scoot over to the OR bed and I do as told.

I am now shaking deeply into my core.

It's not so much about being cold as much as it is about being nervous.

I'm terrified.

"So, Taylor, you're going to receive epidural anesthesia to block down any feelings from your waist down." She says. "I'll keep you awake the whole time."

"Okay." I nod. 

"You won't see anything though. Don't worry." She says and I nod.

Once it's all said and done, it's time for the show.

I don't feel anything at all down there but she goes every step of the way telling me exactly what she's doing and what to expect.

"You might feel a little pressure. But no pain. Okay?"

"O-kay." I hiccup.

"Okay. Done. I've located the bleeding now. I'm going to apply a hemostatic mesh for a few minutes. It'll stop the bleeding and allow me to see the situation of the placenta. You shouldn't feel anything." She says and I nod.

"Are we almost do-done?" I ask shakily after a few minutes.

"We're halfway through it." She says.

"Okay."

"Now, I'm going to place another mesh to absorb the bleeding and help your placenta keep attached to your wall. Again, you shouldn't feel anything."

The noises of the clattering of metal against metal are terrifying though and my breath hitches again.

"Taylor. We talked about this. You're safe with me. You and I are a team. I'm doing my part on this teamwork. You'll need to do yours. Which is?" She asks but I'm now full-blown sobbing again. "Taylor, I can't hold your hand right now. Tell me what your part is." She says and I still can't reply over my sobs. "Hold her hand please." She says and I hear a faint "Yes, ma'am." Before someone's hand slips into mine.

"Now, Taylor, I need you to take some deep breaths for me. I really don't want to give you anything to make you fall asleep. I'd rather keep you awake. What's your part on this team?" She waits a few seconds.

"To- to remain c-calm." I push out through the crying.

"Exactly. Now breathe for me."

"I c-can't. My chest hu-hurts." I say.

"It's okay. I can't have you sit up now. So I need you to try and calm down on your own." She says.

"I'm sca-scared." I sob again. "I re-really want this b-baby."

"I know and I'm doing my very best to allow you to keep this baby but you need to help me make that happen. Okay?" I nod. "Okay?"

"O-okay." I hiccup.

"Now, I'm going to give you a mild sedative. It'll not put you to sleep but it'll make you feel a bit drowsy maybe. Okay? It'll help us finish this process much faster and it'll allow you to feel a bit more relaxed. Okay?" I nod. "Let's give her 5 milliliters of fluoxetine please and start a flow of nitrous oxide for 15 minutes." She orders and I'm given something to swallow and a new mask.

"Okay. We're back on track." She says as she returns to her position.

It doesn't take long before the pressure I've been feeling starts to go down my belly.

"Taylor, I'm gonna pull the probe out. You're gonna feel less pressure for a bit then a lot of pressure then nothing at all once it's out. Again you should not feel any pain." She says.

"Okay." I say.

I continue to feel a decrease in pressure then suddenly a lot of pressure.

Involuntarily, I hold my breath and the monitors show an increase in heart rate.

"No holding your breath. Let it out." She says and I do my very best. "Any pain?" She asks and I slightly shake my head. "Just pressure?"

"Just pressure." I repeat and she nods.

Suddenly it's gone. All of it.

"Good? Is it gone?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Great." She says. "Can I have a bit of suction here?" She asks one of her assistants.

"Is it still bleeding?" I ask.

"Nothing to worry about. I've already fixed the source. I'm just removing the excess."

"Okay."

"Now I'm gonna throw in a stitch to your cervix to keep it from dilating any further and we should be done." She says and I nod. "You shouldn't feel it at all."

Once she's done, I'm cleaned up and transferred back to the room bed. I still can't feel my legs so this time, I can't scoot to it. Instead, I'm lifted and carefully placed in it.

"I'm gonna go inform your family that we're done and everything went great. I'll see you back in recovery." She says. "You're gonna stay there for about three hours before heading back to your room."

"Okay."

"You did great." She praises as she caresses my arm gently.

"Is my baby gonna be okay now?"

"We'll observe you for the next 48 hours and then we'll see. But it was a minor detachment and she kept a very nice heart rate so it's likely that the worst part is done and I'm very optimistic that everything should be okay." She says and for the first time, I smile.

I'm put alone in the recovery room as my family can't come to stay with me and every half hour, the nurses come to check on me. 

A while later, doctor Herman comes to check on me as well. 

"How are you feeling?" She asks me. 

"Good. Tired." I sigh. "Scared." I mumble.

"Can you tell me your full name?" 

"Taylor Alison Swift." 

"You seem alert and oriented. You're flushed on your cheeks meaning you have good circulation. You're breathing on your own without struggling and keeping a steady saturation level of 95% without oxygen supplementation. Your blood pressure is holding steady. Heart rate is doing okay." She looks at me coming closer. "Can you touch my fingers with the corresponding fingers of both your hands? Thumb to thumb and so on?" She says holding her hand over me. 

"I think so." I say doing as told. 

"Great. No vision impairment and fine motor skills are intact. Can you lift your legs for me? One at a time and no extenuating force." 

I try to do as told but my legs feel like they're made of lead.

"I can't. I kinda feel them but not entirely and they feel like two lead blocks."

"That's okay." She nods. "Can you move your feet?" She asks and I try. 

"Are they moving? I can't feel it." 

"Yeah. They're moving." She chuckles. "Can you flex your knees?" She asks and I do as told but just a bit. "Good. Good job." She writes something down. "I'm gonna need to do a quick check of your canal to make sure there's no bleeding." 

"Okay, but I'm not sure I can hold my legs up." I say and she chuckles. 

"That's okay. Jodie is gonna come in to help." She says and I nod. 

After Jodie, the head nurse, comes to help keep my legs in place for the exam, dr. Herman seems satisfied that there's no blood. 

"You're mostly recovered. I'll give you another hour in here while the nurses prep your chart. I'll be back to discharge you to your room soon." 

"Okay." I nod. 

I barely notice that I have fallen asleep, but the next thing I know, I'm gently shaken awake. 

"Taylor?" 

"Yeah?" I mumble half asleep. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Okay." I mumble. 

"Can you open your eyes for me?" 

I do so to come face to face to the now friendly face of dr. Herman. 

She repeats all the tests from before and there hasn't been significant change so that means I'm steady. 

"Any headaches?" 

"No." 

"Nausea?" 

"Not right now." 

"Any pain or discomfort?" 

"No." 

"Good. Can you cough for me?" I do as told. "Good." She writes something on my chart. "You're being discharged from the surgical floor back to your room." 

"Okay." I smile. 

After a little while, I'm taken back to my room and soon, Harry and my parents come in with Dr. Herman in tow.

"How are you feeling?" She asks me.

"Sleepy. Tired." I say.

"That's to be expected. You're probably gonna have a very quiet night once you do fall asleep." She says.

"Good. I could definitely use the rest." I smile.

"I'm going to need to take a look before you do fall asleep though. I'm gonna make quick work. I just need to see if there are any rebleeds and if the stitch is holding okay."

"Sure." I say.

"Have you regained complete feeling of your legs yet?"

"No. Not entirely." I say as I gently turn on my back so she can exam me.

"Okay. In another two hours, Dr. Montgomery will check on you for me." She says.

"Who's doctor Montgomery?"

"She's a colleague. I'm gonna have to head home so I can be back here in the morning. So she's gonna keep you under her watch for me."

"Okay." I sound a bit apprehensive.

"Don't worry. If anyone in this hospital poses any competition to my abilities, it certainly is her. She's good at her job too." She says and I nod. "And she's aware that your name shall not be plastered anywhere in this hospital. Also, HIPAA protocols." She laughs a bit and I do too.

"Okay."

After she exams me, she leaves with a round of hugs from my family and 'thank you's from us all.

"Hi, honey. How are you doing?" My mom is the first to speak as Harry takes residence on my right side and both she and my dad share my left.

"I'm ok." I say and she kisses me as my dad gently rubs my hand. "It was quite scary though." I say and she nods. 

"I know." She says.

After placing a gentle kiss on my forehead too, my dad decides to give Harry and me a minute. 

He drags my mom out of the room to go find some tea.

"Hi, love."

"Hi." I say as he places a gentle, tender kiss on my forehead.

He looks deep into my eyes for a second before he places a kiss on my lips.

The first sob of the entire day leaves his mouth into mine.

"It's okay. I'm okay." I say as he crumbles in my arms. "Baby is okay too." I say as I gently scratch his head.

His sobs don't subside for another minute.

"I was so scared." He admits.

"I know. Me too." I say.

"I'm glad you're okay and the baby too. I don't think I could bear the thought of losing either of you."

"We're okay." I say.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I say and he cries quietly into my neck.

When my parents do return with tea for the three of them, Harry makes quick work of cleaning his face in his sleeve.

When I do fall asleep to their gentle conversation, it doesn't last long as I'm brought back to consciousness by Harry's gentle sobs being muffled by mother's arms.

I don't make my state of awareness known though. It sounds inappropriate.

"I feel so shitty. She said the baby was super agitated in the middle of the night and I offered her massages and hot chocolate. I should've brought her in sooner." He cries.

"You couldn't have known, son." My dad says. "When Andrea was pregnant with her, she used to take up residence under her mom's ribs quite a lot and none of those times did it mean she was in trouble. Which is why none of us thought much of it."

"Yeah. Also, she told me too. Before lunch. I just mistook it for it being normal as she too used to kick me under my ribs as a baby. It's not your fault." My mom completes.

"I just feel like it is." He says.

"It isn't. Okay? I'm sure she doesn't think it is either." My mom says.

When things die down, I fall back asleep only to be gently shaken awake by the doctor's visit in the middle of the night.

"So sorry to wake you." She half whispers. "I'm dr. Montgomery." She shakes my hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too." I say and she smiles. "What time is it?" 

"Just after midnight, I'm afraid." She grimaces. "How are you feeling?" 

"Still very tired. Which wouldn't be unlike me but I don't know. I'm feeling a bit heavy." 

"That's normal. You're having a delay in getting rid of the sedative you were given. That's okay. If by morning you're still like this though, we'll work on canceling the sedative to see if that's the reason or if you have an underlying condition." 

"What if I have an underlying condition? What could that be?" My eyes widen. 

"You likely don't. We'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it." She says. 

"I know, but-" 

"It could be another bleeding, but it's likely not since all your scans are coming back negative. It could be that you have developed anemia from the bleeding earlier, but it's also unlikely because your cheeks are quite flushed. It could be a number of heart-lung conditions, but your sats are doing great. As I said, you likely don't have anything. Your body underwent a great deal of stress yesterday. It's normal for it to be lagging behind a bit. It's okay." She says and I nod. 

"Are you sure?" I ask shakily and she smiles. 

"I'll make sure right now. Okay? Let's do a full exam." She squeezes my hand smiling and I nod.

After an ultrasound, palpation of my belly, and a bunch of questions, it is clear that nothing is wrong and I'm stable.

"See? I told you. It's likely just the sedatives still lingering in your system. You should be fine." She smiles. 

"Thank you. For... For being so patient. I know you weren't supposed to give me a full exam in the middle of the night. But I'm just scared. So... Thank you." I say and she smiles. 

"My absolute pleasure." She smiles. "Get some rest, okay? I'll see you again soon." 

"Okay." 

Dr. Montgomery turns out to be a delight to have around too. She's very gentle and understanding and she makes quick work of her middle of the night check-ups on me.

When I finally do fall asleep for good after her last visit, it is a peaceful sleep from which I'm gently shaken awake by Martha, the nurse responsible for me this morning.

"Good morning." She says smiling.

"Morning." I say as rub my eyes.

"Dr. Herman is coming by to see you in about fifteen minutes. I need to check your vitals before she comes around." She says and I nod.

"Good morning." Dr. Herman says from the door and she exchanges pleasantries with my family before coming towards me.

"Good morning." I say.

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Good." I say.

"How was your night?"

"Good too. Slept through most of it." 

"Yeah. That's to be expected. Are you still sleepy or tired now?" 

"I'm not a morning person particularly, so I'm always inclined to say yes." I say and everyone laughs. "But no. I don't think so." 

"We're gonna check today to see if everything is still holding steady. If it is. Visits will be a bit more sparse. Every six hours." She says and I nod.

"Are we gonna take the catheter out too? It's weird. Sometimes, when I move, I think it shifts in position and burns a bit." I say and she smiles.

"I'm afraid that's gonna have to stay there until tomorrow at the very least. You're on absolute bed rest. The only time you're gonna leave this bed today is to go shower if everything is well."

"Ugh. Okay." I say and everyone laughs.

"Have you regained full control of your legs?" 

"Yeah." I say and she nods. 

"Good." She writes it down. "Any general pain?" 

"A little bit on my back but that wouldn't be unusual exactly." 

"Okay. Any nausea or headaches?" 

"No." 

"Any lightheadedness?" 

"No." 

"Good. Let's see if there's any more bleeding." 

I raise my legs so she can take a quick look at my cervix.

"It's doing fine. A bit of swelling. But that's to be expected. Any pain there?"

"No."

"Okay. I'll take a look at your belly through the ultrasound. A bit cold." She warns before she pours the gel over my stomach.

"Baby's back to her regular position. Not so high up anymore. That's good. That means she's not distressed anymore. Her heart rate is good too." I smile. "No signs of bleeding. Great. Everything is going according to plan." She says as she smiles again.

"Good." I whisper mostly to myself.

"Now listen. Martha is going to help you shower because being laying down since yesterday and being kept in Trendelenburg for almost 6 hours last night, you're going to feel rather dizzy when you do attempt to get up for the first time."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna help you sit down and then we'll wait 15 minutes before you go shower with her. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Deep breaths. Here we go."

She pulls me to a sitting position and I instantly feel light-headed.

"I'm going to pass out." I say instantly.

"You're not. Just breathe in and out for me very calmly."

I do as told but I'm feeling fainty still.

"Gently throw your legs over to this side of the bed, as if you were to climb down. But don't attempt to stand yet. Just lean forward onto me. I'll hold you up." She says and as I start moving my legs, I feel rather nauseous.

"I'm going to throw up. I'm super dizzy and nauseated." I say.

"It's fine. I came prepared if you do." She says as her arms encircle around me. "Now scoot towards the very edge of the bed but don't climb down yet. Just sit down with your legs dangling."

I do as told and she stands in between my legs as I breathe hard.

"I'm going to pass out." I mumble.

"You're not." She assures me again.

I lay my head on her shoulder and she holds me upward.

A few minutes go by when the light-headed feeling subsides.

"How are you feeling?"

"Slightly better." I say.

"Good. Another few minutes and we'll attempt to stand." She says.

"Okay."

Another couple of minutes passes by and Martha comes to stand close to me too.

"Now we're going to attempt to stand up." Dr. Herman says. "Your legs will feel like they're not properly working. It's okay and it's normal. I'm going to hold you. You won't fall. Martha is going to help balance you. Ready?" I nod. "Scoot forward and climb down."

As I do, I panic a bit because my feet touch the ground but can't seem to hold up my weight.

"It's okay. I won't let you fall." She says after my hands instantly take a stronger grip on her.

As I attempt to put weight on both my legs, the nausea increases, and before I can control it, my stomach's contents come flying out of my mouth into the side of the gown she's wearing.

"I'm so sorry." I say instantly.

"It's okay. Happens almost every time. It's fine." She plays it off. "Now try and stand up for me. We'll clean this up later." She says and I do as told albeit with a very much bruised ego.

When I manage to stand on my feet finally, the room is still spinning so I lean back against the bed and she stays holding me.

After a few minutes, it's gone and I'm back to normal.

"I think I'm good." I say and she nods.

"Okay. Good." She says. "Martha is going to help you shower. The next few times you do get up won't feel like this."

"Okay." I nod. 

Martha helps me shower quickly and dresses me in another hospital gown. 

Harry brushes my hair when I come back out. 

The rest of the day? Filled with nothing but pure boredom. 


	36. Frustration

Two days go by in a blur. Soon I'm being discharged.

"Listen, Taylor. You are my patient now. You've become an unstable and therefore risky pregnancy so I'm afraid down at the clinic, Dr. Sullivan wouldn't be properly equipped to handle this." Dr. Herman says. 

"Ok." I say.

"Since you needed hemostasis and a cervix stitch, there's a chance you'll experience a rebleed in the future. My goal now is to give your baby as much time as possible to grow. But I'm afraid it is unlikely she'll hold off until full term."

"So she's gonna come early?"

"Possibly. Yeah. But that doesn't mean we're not gonna try to get you to term." She says.

"Okay."

"I'm trying to keep her in for at least another 6 weeks, which is the earliest stage of term. So absolute bed rest." She says and I nod.

"You need to be down in bed a lot but every three hours or so, get up, move a bit around your bedroom for about a half hour before laying down again. Let's avoid other complications."

"Okay."

"During bed rest, no extenuating activities. House chores? None at all. Not even if it's just to put away the dishes. Bed. Do you understand?" I nod. "No intercourse either. No toys, no fingers, no ice cubes, and surely, no penis. Nothing for penetration. Is that clear?" I nod and she looks over at Harry who's again, ready to drop dead from embarrassment.

"Yes ma'am." He says.

"This is gonna be tough though. First few days and up to a week, you're gonna think you have this. It's easy. Right?" She waits a second. "Wrong. It's gonna be hard. Six weeks is a long time. Also, you Taylor, won't feel like anything is wrong so it's likely you'll experience an increase in your appetite so it's gonna make this incredibly harder. Hold off of it!" She says again.

"If you think you can manage, you can absolutely play with each other or you can play alone. It's fine so long as nothing goes inside you. After any and all stimulation anywhere near your vagina, shower. After any time you have been aroused, shower. Don't just wipe it down. Wash it. Quickly if you want, but do wash it. We want to avoid all that moisture down there. We don't want a yeast infection. Your risk for infection is super high due to the procedure you had. We definitely want to avoid that." I nod. "You're gonna want to wait at least two weeks before you decide to play though. Let your stitch heal first." I nod.

"No stimulation to your breasts. Up until this point it was fine, but going foward given your current status, it might give your body the idea that you're ready to push this baby out and therefore, it'll induce your uterus to contract." She says and we both nod again.

"Your appointments will be placed every two weeks from now on if everything goes smoothly. But since I'm sending you home after a bleeding, your first appointment with me is next Friday, the 13th at 8am. Can you manage that?" I nod. "After that appointment I'll decide if we need to keep it weekly or if it's okay to hold off for every two weeks instead."

"Okay."

"Your tests came back clean for the past two days. But next week I want to repeat them all just to be sure. I'm also throwing in a glucose one so don't eat anything before coming here. Your last meal should be 8 hours prior to the appointment. Make sure you eat then."

"Okay."

"Do you have any questions?"

"Nope." I say.

"I'll see you next week then." She smiles and I do too.

Heading home feels like coming up for air.

I'm excited (and scared at the same time). But I know I at least stand a chance.

When I make it home, both my parents are there. 

I smell the food as soon as I enter the kitchen.

"Hi, honey." My dad hugs me first squeezing me a bit tightly against his chest.

"Hi, Dad." He doesn't say anything. Instead, he just places a tender kiss on my forehead and lets me go.

My mom does the same.

"Are you hungry?" She asks after she hugs me.

"Very. What are you making?"

"Roasted chicken and some sautéed vegetables on the side."

"Mkay." I say.

"Go wait in your room. I'll bring it there." She says.

"I think I'm gonna shower first. Do I have enough time?"

"Sure. Have Harry help you." She says and I roll my eyes.

"I can shower on my own, you know?" I chuckle.

"Doesn't mean you should." She says. "Harry, stay with her and don't leave even through her worst threats."

"Yes, ma'am." He says with a half-eaten apple on his hand. 

I know it's a losing battle so I don't even try.

Instead, I calmly walk back to my closet to gather my clothes before showering.

Harry stays by my shower door the entire time and doesn't let up.

"You can sit back at the bathtub or the counter. You know?"

"No, thanks." He says as he still stands by my shower door.

"Jeez. It's gonna be a long six weeks." I sigh.

Once I leave the shower, Harry insists on helping me get dressed.

"I can dress myself. What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing. I just wanna help." He says.

"I know. But back off a little." I say.

"You just scared me half to death with this. I don't think backing off a little is an option." He says.

"Look. I know you were scared. So was I. But this is a bit much." I say.

"Can I please do it so that I have at least SOME peace of mind?" He sighs.

"Fine."

He helps spread some lotion first then helps me get into my PJs of the day.

"Happy?" I deadpan.

"Very. Thank you." He kisses my cheek and places me sitting down on the bed. "Want a foot massage?"

"Yeah." I mumble.

He rubs my feet with lotion for a while before we speak again.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asks.

"Yeah. Super tired though." I lean on his shoulder.

"Figured. Maybe you should catch a nap after lunch." He says.

"Maybe." I place a gentle kiss on his shoulder. "Will you lie down with me though?"

"Maybe I should keep your parents some company?"

"But who's gonna keep ME company?" I pout.

"I can ask your mom if you want?"

"Okay." I look down.

He's done with both feet so he puts my socks on and places a quick kiss in my hair.

"Go to bed. I'll tide up the bathroom." He says and I scoot backwards in bed. "Want to watch some TV?" I shake my head.

He disappears back into the bathroom and I stay behind in bed staring at the ceiling.

Once he returns, he throws a quick "be right back" over his shoulders and leaves.

When he returns, it's only to help my mother bring me lunch.

"Can I eat it at the table?" I ask.

"It's bed rest, honey. It's for the best if you eat it here." My mom says and I nod.

To her credit, she did bring some food of her own to eat with me so that I didn't have to be alone.

Harry eats his lunch with my dad, I presume.

"This is so good." I say and my mom chuckles. "I don't think I'd survive being admitted for too long. The food there was horrible." I say and we both laugh.

Silence falls over us until we finish our meal. Once we're done, she takes our plates out into the kitchen and then returns with a deck of uno cards.

"Wanna play some?" She smiles.

"I don't think so." I say after contemplating it for a moment. "I think I'd rather just lay down." I say and she nods. "Will you lay down with me?" I ask her as she's about to leave.

"Sure." She comes closer. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah. But I didn't want to be alone." I say and she smiles.

"Ok." She climbs into bed and I gravitate towards her.

"Harry is being weird." I say after a long while in silence.

"He's probably just tired, honey. And worried."

"I know. But he's being weird."

"He's ok, honey. Just give him a minute."

And I absolutely did give him a minute. I gave him days even. But after 5 days of Harry avoiding me like the plague, I had absolutely had enough.

"Can you sit down with me for a second?" I ask after he helps with my shower.

"Yeah. I'll be right back, love. I'm just gonna go tide up the bathroom-"

"It can wait." I cut off. "Come here."

"Love, it'll just take a second I'll-"

"Come here, please." I cut off again. He sighs but comes to sit down by the side of the bed. "What's going on?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"Cut the crap, Harry. Talk to me."

"I don't know what that's supposed to mean." He stands his ground.

"Let me tell you then. You literally have been treating me like I'm your patient rather than your girlfriend since this whole bed rest thing started."

"That's not true." He tries to defend.

"You come around only when something needs to be done with me and then you're either gone for the rest of the day, or you're here but restless as hell. What's going on?"

"Love, nothing is going on." He says.

"Harry, please." I say.

"I told you."

"What is it? Am I not doing it for you anymore?" I ask bluntly.

"What? That's not what this is about."

"You sure as hell haven't touched me at all."

"I can't touch you, though. The doctor was very clear about this. Why would I try to?"

"You may not try it but the way you look at me tells me what's up. Lately, you look at me like there's no fire burning within you at all." I pout.

"No fire? Taylor! What are you? Insane?"

"Tell me then. What is it?"

"Taylor, I'm just taking care of you and our baby."

"I know. But I need you more as my boyfriend than I do as my nurse." He sighs.

"You literally sobbed into my chest thinking you were going to lose our baby."

"I know. That was scary." I proceed carefully.

"You had to have hemostatics placed in you belly and a stitch."

"Where is this going?"

"I was terrified." He sighs. "I was terrified then and I am terrified now. I'm scared to move around you and set off another bleeding. I'm scared to move. I'm scared to breathe! Do you know how that feels?"

"Do I know how that feels?" I repeat the question back to him so he hears the words he just said.

"I'm sorry." He says.

"I'm terrified too. You know? I need you. I need you to kiss me a few times to remind me I'm not alone. I need you to hold me at night so that I can feel safe with you. I need you to love me so that I know I have you. It doesn't have to be sex. But just hold me. Kiss me. Caress me. Run your hands over my back from time to time." I cry. "I'm scared too and I can't handle missing you right now." 

"I'm so sorry." He says as he puts his arms around me.

"Just please, please... Lay down with me from time to time. I promise you, you won't hurt us... And I don't wanna be alone." I cry quietly into his shoulder now.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was hurting you like this, love. I'm so sorry." He says. "I'll work on being better for you. I promise."

"I love you." I say looking up into his eyes now.

"I love you too. So much." He says.

He places a lingering kiss on my lips now.

After this conversation, things kind of went back to normal. Except for the hovering he decided was necessary along with my mom.

"Seriously. I just want to shower alone for once." I say on the morning of my appointment.

"Yeah. But why?" Harry asks.

"Because I'm a normal human being and hovering is annoying."

"You're a normal human being in a high risk pregnancy. Hovering is the norm in this case." He says.

"Just back at the tub then."

"What if you fall?"

"I won't."

"What if you do? Can't catch you if I'm that far away." He says.

"Fine." I sigh.

I do quick work on washing myself before leaving the bathroom.

My mom is there waiting for me now.

"Will you finish it here?" He asks her and she nods. "I'm gonna go shower." He says.

I roll my eyes upon realizing my mom is waiting to dress me up much like Harry had been doing.

"I can dress myself." I whine.

"I'll do it for you. It'll avoid sudden movements."

I don't fight it any longer. Already knowing I can't win.

I let her dress me up but the level of my frustration is growing to borderline unbearable.

We drive down to the hospital for my appointment. 

It's the first time I've been outside in over 8 days.

I feel rather content at that even if it's a short trip.

"Hi Taylor. How are you feeling?" Dr. Herman asks me.

"Good. Good." I say.

"So, today we're gonna take a look at your cervix and we'll have an ultrasound to make sure the tear is stable and bleeding has stopped."

"Okay."

"Any pain, discomfort, weird colored discharge or blood?"

"None." I say.

"Great."

After examining me, she collects some blood and urine samples for testing.

"So, everything is in order." She reads over her notes. "You've gained 7 extra pounds though. Which is cool given the fact you're in bed rest. But watch it. Don't eat out of boredom."

"Trust me. I couldn't even if I wanted to. These two helicopters keep track of my every move." I point at Harry and my mom on both my sides and she chuckles a bit.

"You don't seem to have any signs of early labor. Also great. I think we're on the right track here." She says smiling. "Your baby is quite big though. Already weighting a bit over 5 pounds." She says.

"Can't wait till I have to push her out." I deadpan and everyone laughs.

"You'll dilate. You should be fine." She says. "Now, we need to start talking about your labor." She says. "What's your plan?"

"Do I need one?"

"Well yeah. Do you want to deliver her laying down, sitting up, standing, in water? I don't personally do them, nor do I recommend them in this case, but if you want to sign a term, I can refer you for home birth." She asks and I'm sure I look as lost as I feel. "All I'm saying you need to start thinking about it." She says.

"Okay."

"I'm gonna give you some reading material over labor, unpredictable matters such as early labor, taking your baby home after delivery, safety tips for infant caring, ways you can feed your baby though my big recommendation lays with breastfeeding, and of course, rotational plans. I'm not taking any vacations anywhere near your due date, but you're not my only patient so if I'm already in someone else's delivery room, I can't come to yours. I'll recommend Dr. Montgomery as you've already met her, but if she's not available, there are other 3 doctors you can choose from."

"Jeez."

"I know that's a lot. But at least you'll have something new to read this week." She smiles. "We're gonna keep your appointments weekly. Though nothing is wrong with you, you're already basically at 33 weeks so might as well." She says.

As I'm back home, everyone takes turns keeping me company for the rest of the morning and by noon, my frustration hits boiling point.

"I just want to go pee by myself. I'm not gonna drop dead. But if I were to, there'd be nothing to do anyways. Jeez. Chill." I say to both Harry and my mom.

"We're just trying to help." My mom says.

"Well, back off. This is too much." I say.

"Taylor!" She exclaims.

"You know what? I love you. Both of you. I love you so much it's insane. But sometimes I just want to go to the bathroom alone. I just want to shower by myself. I just want to change my own clothes. It's not unreasonable to ask that much."

"But why is that even a thing?" Harry asks.

"I don't know. To maintain some dignity. Some sense of self?" I say and they both sigh.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. It's my dad.

"Is everything okay?" He asks as he pops his head in.

"Ugh." I head into the bathroom and lock the door before anyone can reach me.

"Taylor open the door. It's not very wise for you to lock yourself in the bathroom. What if you need something?" She says firmly. I don't respond. "Taylor."

"You know what I need?" I say opening the door after finishing my business. "Space." I pass her by and head into bed covering my head with the blankets.

"Okay. Everyone, out. This is too much for her and frankly, too much for you too." He states.

"But honey-" My mom starts saying.

"No. No buts. Go away. I'll take it from here." He says.

"I swear to God" I say after hearing the door close after mom and Harry leave. "If you try to follow me into the bathroom when I inevitably need to go again..." I trail off.

"I won't." He says and I settle back into bed.

"Talk to me. What's this about?" He sits in my bed and I refuse to look him in the eyes but I do sit up to talk anyway.

"They're driving me insane." I say.

"They're trying to help."

"By suffocating me?"

"Maybe talk a bit from time to time rather than exploding? Maybe they don't know they're suffocating you."

"They won't listen." I cry.

"What do you want anyway?"

"I want them to leave me alone sometimes. Not all the time. Just sometimes." I look into his eyes for the first time.

"But what for? You usually don't enjoy being alone too long."

"Not too long. Just a while. I want to be able to write alone. Or maybe sing myself a song. Or just stare into nothing. And God, pee by myself. Nobody needs to watch me doing that." I sigh.

"Okay. We can work that out I think. But you have to understand where they're coming from. It's a place of love, not annoyance. Maybe keep that in mind before going in a screaming match against them?"

"I wasn't screaming." I whisper.

"Not vocally anyway. But your words..." He trails off.

"I'll apologize." I say.

"Good." He says. "Maybe throw in a good cuddle to each of them too." He says and I smile. "Do you want to be alone right now?" I hesitate. "It's okay if you do. I won't be offended." I nod. "Are you feeling okay?" I nod. "Anything that indicates you should not be left alone?" I shake my head. "Okay. Holler if you need us." He kisses my head.

"Will you come back later though?" I ask. "To watch Monsters Inc with me?" He smiles wildly.

"Sure, honey." He smiles and leaves and I'm finally left with the silence I've been craving. 


	37. Afterglow

As soon as my dad leaves my room leaving my door slightly ajar, I hear my mom's shrieks in horror in the hallway.

"You left her alone in there?"

"Calm down." My dad says.

"Calm down?"

"Andrea. Calm down. She's an adult. She can take care of herself for an hour." He explains. "She has literally traveled around the world by herself. She can manage a couple of hours alone in a room with us just lounging somewhere else in the house."

"But what if she needs anything?"

"She can absolutely holler if she needs to." He says. "Come here." He tells her. "She's okay. She just needs some time by herself." He says.

"I'm terrified for her." She says in tears.

"I know, honey. I understand. But suffocating her with care isn't the way. She's never been into that and we both know it." He says.

"But she's my little girl. Isn't it my job to care for her?" She says and tears stream down my face now.

"I know. But right now, that's not the kind of care she needs." He says and I hear her sob.

"When she's ready, she'll want you around. Wait for it. She's always been good at letting us know what she needs. She's been like that since she was a kid. She's still the same, honey. Wait for it. She'll let you know what she needs and when. Okay?"

"Is she mad?"

"I don't think so. She was just frustrated."

"Do you think I should go apologize?"

"Not right now." He says.

"Okay. But what about Harry?" She asks and my stomach drops.

"I'll go talk to him." My dad says and then nothing else can be heard in my room.

I want to get up and go apologize right now. But maybe I need a few minutes alone to cool down first and just unwind too.

I look out the window to my backyard and I can see Harry sitting on one of the chairs facing the garden. He doesn't notice me by the window so I sit back down.

"I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue. 

~~ I locked you up for something you didn't do. ~~

Put you in jail for something you didn't do. 

I pinned your hands behind your back

Thought I had reason to attack, but no.

~~ Fighting with true love is like hitting myself over and~~

I lived like an island. Punished you with silence.

Went off like a siren. Just crying.

Why'd I had to break what I love so much?

It's ~~all over~~ on your face and I'm to blame.

I just need to say.

Hey. It's all me in my head.

I'm the one who **burned us down**. But it's not what I meant. I'm _**sorry**_ that I hurt you.

I don't wanna do this to you.

I don't wanna **lose** this with you.

I need to say, it's all me in my head.

Just don't go. Meet me in the afterglow."

I wrote it down in my notes before laying back down.

Before I know, I'm fast asleep and being shaken awake by my mom.

"Just wanted to bring you lunch. The doctor said it's important not to let you skip or delay meals." She says.

"Mkay. I need to pee first." I say as I get off the bed and she doesn't move to follow me this time.

When I come back, she's sitting on the edge of my bed and there's only food for me on the tray. She doesn't plan on staying.

"I'm sorry." I say already tearing up. "I'm sorry that I hurt you." I say and she tears up too.

"It's okay, honey." She downplays.

"No. It's not okay. It's never okay to hurt the people I love. I'm so sorry." I sit down next to her. "Will you please forgive me for being so rude and disregarding to your feelings? I know you were just trying to care for me and make sure I'm okay and that was insensitive and mean and I didn't mean it like that. I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?" I sob out.

"Sure, honey." She hugs me. "I'm sorry I suffocated you. I didn't mean it either. I'm sorry I failed to listen to you too. I wasn't trying to invade your personal space. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Will you have lunch here with me?" I whisper.

"I already had lunch, I'm afraid." She says. "I'll sit with you though if you want."

"Yes, please."

As I settle down to eat lunch, which is a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup, she settles down and turns the tv on leaving it on mute.

"I wrote parts of a song. About today." I say sheepishly. "Do you wanna read it?"

"Sure." She sits up and I give her my journal.

She tears up a lot once she reads the whole thing.

"It's beautifully written, honey. Do you have a melody for it yet?" I nod.

"Yeah. But I'm missing a few lines still." I say. "It'll think it through before putting a melody to it."

"Okay."

"Is Harry mad at me?" I ask her in almost a whisper.

"I don't think he's mad. But you should talk to him."

"He hasn't come around yet."

"Maybe give him some time. He's out right now though. He'll be back soon."

"Where did he go?" 

"Grocery shopping. I think he needed to unwind so I sent him out a bit."

"Will you tell him to come here when he comes back?"

"Sure." She says.

As I don't say anything else, she unmutes the tv and settles down. 

The rest of lunch is just quietly handled with Chowder's cartoon voice being the only sound filling the place up.

Mom leaves to tide up the kitchen so I'm once again alone.

I text my dad and he comes in to play some Scrabble with me while Monsters Inc plays softly in the background.

Eventually, the game is over and so is the movie, and Harry's yet to come back.

"This ultraviolet morning light below tells me this love is worth the fight.

Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves. 

Chemistry till it blows up. Till there's no us. 

Why'd I have to break what I love so much? 

It's on your face and I'm to blame." 

Eventually, I finish this off and put the journal down. It's time for dinner and still, no Harry.

My mom brings me dinner and I ask her about Harry once again.

"He's on the phone with his mom, honey. As I said, it's hard on him too. He needed to unwind." She regretfully tells me.

"He's gonna leave me." I cry.

"He's not. He's just sad, scared, frustrated, and maybe a little hurt too."

I manage to eat only half the dinner she made though she keeps trying to distract me into eating more.

Eventually, she gives up though and gets up to put my plate in the sink.

She comes back to let me know she's leaving and tells me Harry is out in the living room if I need anything.

I wait for about half an hour before I grow too anxious and decide to go after him.

I'm supposed to give him space, but I'm too scared to do that and my mind is in overdrive by now.

I go into the living room to find him on the couch with his head thrown back and his eyes closed.

As I climb on the couch, he picks up his head and looks towards me quickly.

"You were supposed to be on bed rest. What are you doing?"

"You left me alone." I whisper.

"I thought that was what you wanted." He bites. Guess I deserved that.

"Not like this." I say.

"Make up your mind then." He remarks and a pang of hurt pulls onto my stomach.

"I'm sorry." I say as tears pool into my eyes. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. You were trying to help and I was rude and insensitive and I'm so very sorry." I tell him and I can see I caught him off guard. The silence now is deafening.

"I was just trying to make sure nothing else happens to you." He says as tears fall from his eyes.

"I know. And I'm sorry I disregarded your feelings and your intentions. It was mean and I didn't mean it." I say.

"Okay. I'm sorry too. Maybe I'm too much in my own head." He says as he rests his head back again and silence falls over us again.

"Harry?"

"Hm?"

"You know it's not your fault right? That this whole thing happened?" I ask quietly and he doesn't respond. "It's not your fault." I tell him firmly. "Nothing you did or didn't do caused me to have this nor could it have prevented it from happening." I say and he sobs. "It isn't your fault." I tell him once again. "It isn't your fault." I repeat and he crumbles down. I scoot closer and cradle his head to my chest. "It isn't your fault." I whisper.

Once he's calmed down enough, I let him go.

"Babe?"

"Hm?"

"Will you please come to bed with me?" I ask and he nods.

In the bedroom, he settles in bed first and I lay down close while facing him.

I stare into his eyes for a while before I place my lips close to his but not yet touching.

"I love you. I know sometimes I'm a handful. I know I sometimes blow things out of proportion and sometimes my frustration leads me to lash out without any regard for anyone else's feelings. I'm sorry. I'm working on it. But I love you. I really, truly do love you.

I know sometimes my deepest fears get the best of me, like right now, but I promise I love you." I say.

"What are you afraid of right now?"

"That you'll leave me." I whisper.

"I'm not. I made you a promise and I fully intend to keep it. I'm not going anywhere. Not because of the promise. But because I love you."

I place a long kiss on his lips now. Gentle and slow and loving. Calmly and deeply too. 

He's everything I've ever wanted and I have no other way to show him that right now but this. By kissing him until I'm out of air.


	38. Like the planetarium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taylor Swift is out to get me killed and you can't convince me otherwise. 
> 
> ANOTHER surprise album is coming guyssssssss!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> STREAM EVERMORE tonight at midnight EST.
> 
> In honor of that, here's another chapter. :)

The one good thing about being on bed rest is that I can sit out having to clean up anything from the room we're turning into the nursery.

I requested help from Austin, dad, and Matt and they just came and joined Harry to do it by themselves.

"I think I'm having some Braxton hicks these days." I tell Abigail who came to keep me company. "It's so weird. Sometimes I come this close to calling Harry and telling him I'm in labor and then, it's gone." I say.

"How will you know when it's real labor though?" She pops a grape in her mouth.

"No idea." I chuckle.

"Can this cause early labor though? You know with your bleeding earlier and all?"

"I don't know. But the doctor said it's fine. It's normal." I shrug.

"Jeez." She says as she lays down in my bed again. "Are you even ready for when she comes?"

"Hell, no. I'm definitely not ready for this." I say and we both laugh.

"I think you are, to be honest."

"I don't even have a name. Nor a place for her to sleep. Let alone clothes and essentials. Do you realize that? I'm not ready." I chuckle.

"I think you are, though. Like, emotionally and all. I think you're ready."

"Maybe."

"You're gonna be such an amazing mom."

"Thanks."

We head downstairs for a bit and Abigail cooks us lunch as I just watch from a chair because, according to medical orders, I'm not allowed to help. Frustrating to say the least.

"Dude, you picked like the worst color to cover the walls. Aren't you a delight?" Austin says in regards to my question on how things are going and we all laugh.

"In my defense, I didn't know it was going to be that hard to cover it up should the need ever arise." I say and everyone laughs again.

Afternoon comes around and Harry and I are left alone once again.

Everyone is gone with promises of coming back in the morning to help out again.

We thank them all but now it's time to head back into bed.

"What do you think of this one?" I show him on my tablet. 

It's a set of a crib, a bookcase, and a dresser.

"Looks cool. But do you want it in this color?" He asks.

"I don't know. Maybe just off-white. I think this is too dark."

"Yeah."

"But do you like it?"

"Yeah. It's cute." He says.

"Can I buy it?" I ask him.

"Sure." He says. "Wait. Do they make the closet doors too? I thought you wanted them to match." He says.

"I do want that. But this is so cute." I say.

"What if they don't make the customized doors for the closet though?"

"We can hire someone. Right?"

"Well, yes. But that would mean letting someone know we're having a baby soon."

"Yeah." I say deep in thought. "Well, if they don't make it, then screw it. I want this one." I say and he smiles. "What?"

"Sounded sexy as hell all powered up and business." He says and I kiss him smiling and he chases me when I pull back.

"Stop it. I'm not about to start what I can't finish." I say and he smiles again before going back to his tablet.

"How about this rug?" He asks as he shows me the one he found.

It's a pale gray rug and looks rather cute and comfortable. But we have no way of actually knowing.

"I like it, actually." I tell him.

"Okay. Added to the cart." He says. "I also found a couple of artworks to place on the walls. Look at this."

He shows me a bunch of things we can hang on the walls but only a few catch my eyes.

"I like this one." I point to the one saying 'Though she be but little, she is fierce' with flowers at the bottom. "Maybe in a white canvas though. Black is too much for a newborn's nursery." I say.

"This one's cute too." I select the one that says 'Kind heart, force mind, brave Spirit' with another floral design at the bottom.

"Oh. And these." It's a 3 identical sized set. 'Be brave. Be kind. Be happy.' written in them with a little animal at the bottom.

"Which one?" He asks.

"I wanna say whale but I think it should be an elephant?"

"I like the fox." He says.

"Maybe one of each?" I suggest and he looks up at me. "Maybe check to see if they make it that way."

"Mkay."

"Oh. How about this set?" I ask with a 6 piece non-identical sized set. They're all mixed but have the same font and designs that complement each other. 'Dream big', 'little one', 'oh! the places you'll go', 'Adventure awaits', 'All you need is love', 'Never stop exploring' and 'Young and brave' written on each of them.

"Okay. Enough of those though. Or else we might buy the entire store." I say and we laugh.

After we buy random little decor things for the baby's room, we fall upon a whole different topic.

"Look at this. Can we have one in her room?" Harry asks and I look over to see a name wooden lettering to place on the wall.

"Well, yeah. It's quite cute. But can we change the color?" I ask.

"Yeah. They paint with whatever color or pattern you choose from the site."

"Okay. Cool."

"Can I buy it?"

"Well, we need a name before we buy it though."

"Do you have any in mind?" He asks.

"Well yeah. But we haven't talked about it yet, so you can't buy it based on that." I say.

"What names do you have in mind?" He sits up properly to face me.

"I don't know."

"I thought about Caroline."

"Sweet Caroline...papapa... Good times never felt so good." I sing to the tune of the song and he laughs. "I thought about Alice."

"In wonderland..." He sings to the tone of the song I wrote. "Maybe Candace?"

"As in Phineas and Ferb's sister?"

"No one is gonna think of that." He chuckles.

"How about Rosie? Or anything that comes up to that nickname?"

"I like it. But I wanted a stronger name. Rosie is such a baby name."

"I'm not planning on birthing an adult daughter. She is a baby."

"Is she planning on being a baby forever?" He laughs.

"Point taken."

"How about Alana?"

"As in honey booboo?" I scrunch up my nose. "How about Stella?"

"As in McCartney?" He smiles. "I like it, actually."

"Oh wait. Ellen Pompeo has a daughter with that name. Right? Stella Luna." I say and he shrugs. "Weird vibe to name your kid with someone's daughter's name. It's enough that I have a cat with her character's name. She'll think I'm obsessed." I giggle. "Maybe Hayden? Or Heaven?"

"Like the planetarium?"

"Yeah. Or Heaven."

"I like Hayden better." He says.

"I like both. But I think Hayden is easier to match to a middle name." I say.

"What do you have in mind for that?"

"Nothing, actually. You?"

"Nicole." He says simply.

"As in Herman?" He nods. "Why? Cause she fixed me?"

"No. Because she's the very best in her field. She's one of a kind. She's absolutely confident in her abilities. She's absolutely comfortable in her own skin. She conquered the world and she's not afraid to recognize it and praise herself for it, all without sounding a single bit presumptuous or narcissistic. She's fierce and powerful. I think she sets up a good tone for the name."

"Wow. You've given this a lot of thought." I say as I smile.

"What can I say?" He laughs a bit.

"I like it. Hayden Nicole Styles." I say out loud and he pauses.

"Styles?"

"Yeah. I want her to have your name. Not mine. Not hyphenated. Your name." I say. "I've been meaning to ask you this but I didn't know how to bring it up."

"Love... I don't know what to say." He looks at me with tears in his eyes and I kiss him for a minute.

"Maybe someday I'll be ready to be called by your name too." I blurt out and he pauses again.

"You're full of surprises tonight, aren't you?" He smirks. "Your name is a whole brand though."

"I know. But someday, if that's what you want, I'll be Taylor Styles to you and to our friends and families too." I say and he smiles.

"You're gonna leave the Swift?"

"I think so."

"Wow. Now I want to propose to you like tomorrow." He says and I giggle as he pulls me to lean against his chest as he rests now against the headboard. "Seriously though. Someday do you think you'll want to marry me?"

"Yeah." I say.

"I can't wait." He says and I smile.

"Me too."

The next morning, Austin and Matt come back to repaint the walls and help storage the stuff that was previously in the room up in the attic, since I don't really have space in my basement nor do I use it so much.

While they're at it, they decide to help Harry finally turn the office across from my bedroom into his closet like I had promised him he could do.

Doesn't take as long as the baby's room though. It's much easier as all he has to do is take out the computer and the desk and put up some shelves and hanging cabinets.

Once that's done, I order in since Abigail couldn't come today and my mom is out picking out a few things we're going to need to set up the nursery.

After lunch, once again, the boys are gone and Harry and I take a nap before resuming our baby shopping spree.

"Does it need to match? The tops and bottoms." He asks.

"Not match entirely, but they need to at least be coherent color-wise." I say and he shrugs. "Not the Harry Styles I don't care about the world coherent. The regular coherent." I say and he laughs.

"Okay."

We buy the baby some clothes for up until she's 6 months old and set them to be delivered into Tree's office rather than my house.

We also buy her a couple of stuffed animals and toiletries along with a whole bunch of diapers.

"I think we're done." He says as he places the order for the last of her toiletries.

"I think so too."

"Holy shit. We baby shopped entirely without leaving home." He says and I giggle.

"I'm actually exhausted." I say.


	39. Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOT YALL!!!! Lmaoo
> 
> I'm overly excited so I need something to keep my mind busy. lmaoo
> 
> So y'all get a double posting tonight. Hope you enjoy it.

The almost 34 weeks appointment comes and I'm feeling rather anxious about it.

Today we discuss birth plans.

"So, Taylor, how are you doing?" Dr. Herman asks.

"I'm good. Restless. Bored out of my mind. And I've been feeling a series of light contractions which I think is Braxton Hicks but today, they're a bit insistent." I say and she nods.

"We're gonna get right into that then to make sure you're not in labor." She says.

Upon checking me, she tells me there's no effacement of the cervix and no contractions from the uterus, and therefore, I'm officially not in labor. Which is great because I'm only 34 weeks and I don't even have a nursery yet. We're waiting for delivery.

"So listen, you've held out good. There has been no spotting and no rebleeds so I'm officially removing you from bed rest."

I squeal in delight.

"BUT." She says and I settle back to listen. "It does not mean immediately go back to your regular routine and lift twice your weight off the ground." She laughs. "I just mean that you don't have to lay down all the time. It's clear for us you won't be having any contractions too prematurely." She says.

"So, you're saying instead of lounging in my bed, I get to lounge on my couch now?" I say and she laughs.

"Essentially. Yeah."

"Ughhh." I say and everyone laughs. 

"Still no intercourse or any penetration." I nod. "Let's talk about your homework." She says and I pull out my baby journal. "So your plans?"

"I want to have this baby vaginally. But I think want it in water if possible. I think that sounds the least painful. But that also sounds disgusting and gross with all that water so my second option is to have it in the bed?" She nods.

"Does dad want to cut the cord?" She asks.

"Yes, please." Harry says.

"Who's gonna be in the delivery room?"

"Just Harry." I say and he tilts his head.

"I thought you'd want your mom there." He says.

"I figured this would be a moment for you and me only. Once she's born, your job is to take a thousand pictures to let our families know and meet her."

"Okay."

"That sounds very cool, miss, but I highly advise you to have your mom there too. It's very common for women to become rather emotional and desire closeness to someone they love after the exhaustion that sure follows after giving birth. If Harry's gonna be busy taking a thousand baby pictures, maybe have your mom to hold your hand after you're done?"

"Okay. But if I bring my mom, I feel it's only fair to have his mom here too. I feel like 2 of them is a crowd though." I laugh.

"Love, my mom understands that her moment will come when my sister has kids. I doubt Austin's girlfriend will willingly have your mom in her delivery room. It's okay to have just your mom there." He assures me.

"Okay. Then, my mom and Harry." I say.

"Will you want a photographer from the hospital or maybe you have one of your own? Or you might not want one at all. That's cool. But I need to know."

"I have one of my own." I say.

"Okay. Did you fill out the form for the rest? Regarding medication, procedures, baby treatment if needed, conduct on feeding?"

"Yes ma'am. All there." I say.

"Ok. Good."

"So your baby is doing ok. Growing. You seem to be okay. Everything is in order. Braxton Hicks are common and to be expected but there's no pattern in it. If suddenly they become regular and spaced on a pattern like every 5 minutes, call me." She says and I nod. "Now all these birth plans are valid but if by any means I feel at the moment this represents risks or anything unexpected happens, I'll make the decisions for you. Okay?" I nod again.

"Okay."

"Awesome. I'll see you next week." She says.

The next day rolls around and Harry, Matt, Austin, and my dad come together to help set up the furniture in the baby's nursery.

Abigail, my mother, and I watch mostly from afar as we draw up the plans for decorating the room and where things as gonna go.

"This is one fucking hard thing to assemble." I hear Austin say and Harry responds next.

"What the fuck is it this hard for?"

"Yes. Like chill. It's for a baby. Not an architect." Matt says. "I think I fucking nailed my finger." He complains.

"It'll work guys. We just need to concentrate a bit." My dad appeases and everyone else groans.

They end up leaving it to finish the next morning.

But once it's done, with soft light gray and blush pinkish walls and all the off white furniture, it's the stuff of a dream.

I stand at the door once everyone is gone to contemplate it a bit more as I rub my belly.

"Do you like it?" Harry asks coming behind me and resting his chin on my shoulder while encircling my baby bump with his arms.

"I love it."

"Do you think she'll like it?"

"I don't think she'll know much about interior designing as soon as she's born but-" He interrupts me with a resonating slap to my butt. Doesn't hurt. Just makes a loud noise and makes me giggle. "I think she'll love it, babe." I say calmly as I turn my head to nuzzle into his hair.

"I can't wait for her to get here." He says.

"Yeah." I agree. "But I'm also kinda dreading her arrival too." I sort of whisper.

"Why?"

"I'm scared."

"Of the general idea of her or...?"

"Well, that too. But delivery." I say. "I'm terrified of how that's going to be."

"Yeah. That's understandable." He says.

Two days after that, some of the items we bought arrive at Tree's office, and instead of having us go pick up, she offers to bring them out for me.

Harry takes that as an opportunity to go out to hang out with Matt and Austin.

"Do you have a plan yet for when you're gonna tell the world about her?" She asks over a glass of wine I'm unable to share and I, nursing my glass of grape juice instead, shake my head.

"I've been all over the place with this whole thing. I haven't thought that far ahead, to be honest." I say and she nods.

"Are you gonna want to let anyone get an exclusive first picture of her?" I scrunch up my nose.

"What are your thoughts on that?"

"There are two ways it could go. It could show the world how powerful you actually are when inevitably, we hear about how much was paid for that one or two pictures of your baby and that will likely earn a nice buzz in preparation for whatever you want to do next.

Or it could end in flames with people saying it was a calculated move on your part yet again and how greedy it is to sell your baby's exclusive picture." She says. "You're on thin ice right now so it's likely that it'll go the latter." She's brutally honest and that's what I love about her. I can always count on her to make a real assessment of the situation rather than sugar coat it for me.

"I thought so too. I think I'll skip that. Maybe I can post a picture myself and just put it out there?" I ask.

"That's an option too. I'm behind whatever decision you make."

"How's it looking with the whole famous music thing?" I ask apprehensively.

"It's not looking good. They twisted the whole story saying you approved of the song and all with that stupid little recorded phone call."

"I didn't."

"I know." She says quickly. "The rest of the world doesn't."

"Do you think my career will survive this?"

"I think so but we need to navigate this carefully so as to prevent more damage." She says and I nod.

"Okay."

"I brought the baby a present too." She smiles. "I didn't know what you would like, so I just got her a very generic present but with some more personal meaning."

"You didn't have to." I smile as she hands me a big box.

"I wanted to make sure you know I'm super excited for you. This is from me as Tree, your friend. Not Tree, your publicist. That one will come too, but I wanted to give you mine first." She smirked.

"Thank you." I say as I open the light blue box with a pink ribbon on top.

Inside lies carefully placed a beautiful flower pale pink dress, pink flats, and one cute looking little bunny.

"Aww. Thanks. This is so cute." I say. "Thank you so much." I say as I get up to hug her.

"You're so very welcome." She smiles.

Once she's gone, I head back to the nursery to look at all the little things that have arrived today.

All the little clothes and baby blankets and all the decorative items too.

Once I look through them, I put them all back in the box and wait for Harry to come back.

When he does come home in the late afternoon, he makes quick work of hanging all the cute little canvas we bought her.

It's a whole different room now. It looks ready. Somehow it looks ready even if for a split second every day, I may think that I'm not.

My mom comes the next morning to iron all the little clothes that I had put to wash the night before.

"I'm so scared." I tell her.

"Of what?"

"Labor. What's that gonna be like?"

"Each woman has a unique one honey." She says.

"Yeah, but like... Common knowledge. What can I expect from being in labor?"

"Honey, I could fill you up with all the knowledge about it in the world. It would only fill you up with doubts and anxiety and when push comes to shove, it's likely going to be different from what you expect anyway." She says and I nod.

"It's sounding more and more real."

"It is. Look at this. You have baby clothes now." She smiles pointing at the pile of small pants she had ironed to put away.

Two days after that, everything is absolutely ready for her arrival, including a packed up suitcase for the big day.

She isn't due for another 5 weeks, technically, but she'll likely come a bit earlier than that so we need to be prepared.

And just like that, it's Friday morning again and my 35 weeks appointment is here.

"How are you with Braxton hicks?" She asks after examining me thoroughly.

"Okay. I guess. Sometimes they hit rather hard, but they go away after a few seconds. Then, if I move, it stops coming altogether."

"Good." She says. "Other than that, everything sounds good." She says. "There's been a very small thinning of your cervix though. Watch out for any signs of real labor." She says.

"Okay. But isn't it too early?"

"Right now? It is. Two weeks before her earliest due date. But we have to watch out anyway. Also, this could happen in a moment or it could take days or even weeks before she's fully ready."

"Okay."

"Until then, go on living your regular routine calmly and gently. When it's time, we'll be here to support you." She says and I smile.

Once at home again, Harry and I just lay together reading through our respective social media for the afternoon.

"People are speculating you and I didn't happen recently. They think it was either a collective hallucination or a quick PR stunt." I say chuckling.

"How come?" He asks.

"Long time no see for me. But you were just a couple of weeks in London. So they don't think we're out here together." I smile.

"That makes sense."

"It's good. Get them off our backs anyway." I say and he nods in agreement.

Another few moments of silence go by before Harry shuts his phone off and turns towards me.

"What?" I ask as he stares at me.

"Nothing. Just that I love you." He grins.

"You're so sweet." I say as I place a gentle kiss on his lips. "I love you too."

He kisses me again. His hands on my back now pressing and releasing from time to time lets me know the tone of this.

"I want you so badly." He whispers in my ear as his lips make contact with my neck.

"Sorry." I say meekly.

"I'll take care of it." He says as he gets up to head back to the bathroom.

When he returns, about an hour later, he's showered and clean and looks exhausted. So I scoot down my pillows to cuddle back into him for a nice nap.


	40. Second wave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one. Lmaoo
> 
> Feel free to let me know what y'all think both about the chapters and the new album. :)

Somewhere after 4 am the following Tuesday, I wake with a series of sharp pain on the lowest part of my belly.

"Are you okay?" Harry mumbles almost half asleep.

"Yeah. Just some back pain. Likely Braxton Hicks again." I say.

Sure enough, once I move around a bit, it goes away and I go back to sleep.

Austin is leaving town again and therefore, mom's holding a small lunch party for him at my house.

They arrive a little before noon.

As the barbecue goes on outside, I'm in the kitchen trying not to overheat with the new heatwave.

"Are you okay?" Austin asks.

"Yeah. Just the day's hot as hell. Like, why? It's not even summer yet."

"Tell me about it." He laughs.

We talk a lot about random things and his expectations for the rest of the year.

Not too long after, the party, basically my parents and Harry, move inside because being outside now is becoming unbearable.

"Did you eat?" My dad asks me and I nod. "You?" He asks Austin and he too nods. "Ok. Good."

Dessert is served right next and it's red fruits mousse, to my utter delight.

As I'm sitting at the counter with Harry and Austin, a series of dull pain shoot through my belly, so to make it go away, I get up to pace the room instead.

I start pacing a bit while conversation just flows over and around me.

As I put a spoonful of mousse on my mouth with some of the fruit it had on it, the dull pain becomes a sharp one and I'm rendered completely unable to move.

I let out a low groan of pain and instantly, all heads turn towards me.

"What is it?" Harry asks. His eyes wild. "Are you okay?"

I'm unable to respond so he gets up and comes closer to me.

"Honey, maybe you're having contractions for real." My mom says as she too approaches me.

I hand her my bowl of dessert and pull on Harry's shirt bending a bit towards him.

I still can't find release enough to safely swallow the delicacy I had in my mouth so I remain with my mouth full.

Harry's arms are now around me to support me and as I rise back to my upright position, he steps closer and I rest my forehead in his shirt.

I find a small relief, and before it's gone, I take it as an opportunity to swallow the mousse.

"Are you okay?" Harry asks again.

"Hurt a lot." I manage to get out.

"Do you want to go see your doctor?"

"Not yet." I groan as another series hit me. "Just gotta breathe through it." I say as I start to take a series of deep breaths and just like that, as fast as it came, it is gone.

I collapse a bit into Harry's arms and he holds me firmly.

"Are you okay?" He repeats.

"Yeah. I think so." I say. "It's gone." I say and he sighs deeply.

"Thought you were in labor." He kisses my hair.

"Dude, don't do that." Austin says.

"Do what?" I chuckle.

"Go into labor in the middle of lunch. Do you even know the hassle it'd be? I'd throw up for sure." He says and we all laugh.

Later, after everyone is gone, I find myself back in her nursery to put the final touches.

The doors we had ordered to kinda match the color of her furniture still missing the little star-shaped door handles I ordered.

I take the opportunity to put her little clothes a bit more organized into the space of her closet.

"Look at this." I hold up the newest addition to her closet. A Versace custom dress. "Gigi is insane." I chuckle. 

"It's so beautiful." He smiles. 

"It is. But does she know that babies grow out of things at lightning speed?" I laugh. 

"She sent a couple of books too. Look." He shows me the covers "Daddy & me", "Mommy & me", "The hungry caterpillar" and "The missing piece".

"She's way too sweet." I laugh. 

Suddenly, as Harry sits on the floor putting the little books we have for her on her shelf, another Braxton Hicks session begins.

I groan in pain and Harry is on his feet next to me in one second.

"Deep breaths, love." He tells me and I manage to do as told while he holds me upright. "You're okay." He hums.

After that episode is gone, the rest of the day goes by rather uneventful until the evening.

"Do you want a massage?" Harry asks as he comes in to find me sitting upright in the middle of the bed with my eyes closed that night. I shake my head. "Want a foot rub?" I shake my head no again. "What's wrong?" He asks and I finally do open my eyes only to reveal all the tears I had been concealing.

"Will you come hold me?" I ask.

"Sure, love." He says as he climbs on the bed behind me. "What's going on?"

"I had another episode like the one from this afternoon." I say.

"Do you think they're real contractions?" He asks as he nuzzles my cheek while both his hands caress my belly.

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"Okay." He places a kiss on my cheek and a loud sob leaves my mouth before I can hold it back. "What is it, love? Why are you crying?" He says softly.

"I'm scared." I say in almost a whisper.

"It'll be okay, love." He says. "I'm so very sorry you have to go through this and there's nothing I can do." He says.

"What if I can't push her out?"

"Love, don't worry about that. Of course you'll be able to push her out."

"What if I can't? What if I'm not strong enough?" I sob.

"You are one hell of a woman. The strongest one I've ever seen. Of course you'll be strong enough to do this." He says as he pulls me against his chest tightly.

"I'm really scared."

"I know. That's okay. But you'll see, you'll do just fine." His hand now rubs my chest in a soothing manner and he plants several kisses on my cheek and my hair.

"The baby is really low today. I can feel her pressing down. It's weird." I say after a long time of being held by him in silence while I shake lightly.

"Do you think she's gonna come early?" He asks gently. 

"I think she's gonna come sometime next week." I sigh involuntarily. "I think she's getting ready to come out."

"I can't wait."

"I'm kinda scared of that too. We'll have a baby at home." I say and he smiles.

"I can't believe we'll have a baby." He says and I smile too.

"Do you think she's gonna look like you or me?" I ask.

"I hope she looks like you. You're gorgeous." He says and I feel the heat on my cheeks.

"I hope she has your smile." I say "Maybe your hair too." He chuckles. "I hope she definitely has your ability to tan, rather than my ability to just sunburn within 5 minutes." We both laugh at that.

"I hope she has your eyes and your sense of wonder and definitely your brains." He says. "But more than that, I hope she's as cute as you are. But then again... I'm worried she'll attract the boys' attention too early. I bet you were a handful as a teen." He says and I laugh.

"I was not!" I say. "But I did date a bit as a teenager before coming up on the public eye with Fearless. Which is when I made a breakthrough and after that, it's all history." I say and he nods. "Are you telling me you weren't a handful mister heartthrob with a deep dimple?" He smiles.

"Of course not. I was a saint. What are you talking about!?" He smirks.

"Sure. Sure. I wonder how many girls you loved and left haunted as a teenager." He laughs.

"I did date a bit too. But once I made it into one direction, I stopped."

"Now why would you lie to me this way, huh?" I say and laugh now. "Why would you try and clown me like this?" He throws his head back laughing. "You were never a saint. After one direction, you were even worse." I say and he laughs hard shaking us both.

"I was waiting for you to come along." He says after a while.

"Nice save." I say and he chuckles again. "Fair enough. I'm glad you settled with me."

"I'm glad you settled with me too." He says. "But miss Hayden Nicole Styles better be waiting for her love to come along very quietly." He states and I laugh now turning around to gently nestle myself against his chest as he holds me. 

The next morning, I wake up on my routine time to pee and then head back into bed to sleep a bit more.

When I wake up again, something feels odd.

I don't think much of it and instead, I just move on to my morning routine and head out to the kitchen to find Harry cooking breakfast.

"Was just about to come to wake you." He says when I wrap my arms around him from behind. "Did you sleep well?" He asks turning to hold me instead and placing a kiss on my hair.

"Yeah." I say.

"Hungry?" I scrunch up my nose.

"Not really."

"I made pancakes." He sing-songs.

"Can I have some crackers and tea?" I ask and he nods.

"Of course, love." He gently rocks me from side to side. "Something wrong?" 

"No. Just not hungry." I say and he nods.

After breakfast, I go outside to sunbathe a bit.

Harry and I play a couple of rounds of Uno and then I feel tired enough to head inside again.

I head to the bedroom but can't fall asleep. Once again, sleep won't claim me.

I decide to write a bit instead.

"And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul.

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul."

After I'm done, it's lunchtime already.

I ask for just a salad and Harry complies to help me make it.

After we eat in comfortable silence, I head back upstairs to take a nap and Harry stays behind to work on some music he's had pounding on his head for a while now.

When I wake up again, something is definitely wrong.

"Harry?" I call out. He doesn't respond. "Harry?" I call out again.

I frantically search for my phone to shoot him a text. But thinking about how there's a crescent pain on my lower abdomen, I quickly decide against it and hit call instead.

"Baby?" He asks alert.

"Will you come here quickly? I'm in a lot of pain." I sob into the phone.

He makes it upstairs in record time after the call.

"Where is it? What's happening?" He asks frantically as he sits by my side in bed.

"I just woke up and my belly hurts a lot very down low. I think my lady parts hurt too." I cover my eyes while tears escape freely.

"Do you think you're in labor?"

"I don't know."

"Is it contracting?"

"No. Just dull pain. Kinda like I feel on my periods."

"I'm gonna call the doctor."

"Can you call my mom beforehand?" I ask.

"Okay." He goes to hit call but I stop him.

"Will you take a look at it first?" I ask. "See if there's any blood?"

"Why? Did you feel anything coming down?"

"No. But I'm scared." I sob and he nods.

He goes to the bathroom to wash his hands and get some wet wipes to help out.

"Please, hurry!" I cry out when another wave of pain hits me.

When he does return, he helps me get out of my pants and I lay back for him to take a look.

"Love, there isn't any blood coming out at all." He says as he spreads my legs open to look.

"Look inside." I sob.

He goes to do as I tell him to but as soon as his fingers touch my entrance I sob again and my hand shots out to push his away.

"What?" He asks alarmed.

"That hurts." I wail. "It's sore."

"Okay. I'm gonna be super gentle. Okay?" I nod.

When he does touch me again, it takes everything in me to keep my legs apart and my hands over my belly rather than pushing his hands away.

"There isn't any blood. But it's rather wet in there." He says.

"It's really sore." I sob and he sits down closer to hold me as I sit up too.

"I'm gonna call your mom and we'll call the doctor too. Okay?" I nod.

He puts the phone on speaker as he calls my mom so he can hug me to his chest. 

"Hello?"

"Hi. Andrea. So, Taylor is having some trouble with a lower-belly pain. She wanted me to call you."

"Pain? Is she in labor?"

"I don't think so. She complained of pain in her lower belly and her private parts. There's no blood though."

"Are you heading out to the hospital?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna call the doctor to see if she can see Tay right now."

"Please come over?" I interject.

"Hi, honey. I'm out the door right now." She says. "I'll be there soon."

"Okay." I whisper.

"Harry, call the doctor and ask her what we should do and then text me or call me to let me know. I'll be there soon."

"Ok."

He hangs up and calls the doctor next.

"Hi. I'd like to speak to Dr. Herman, please?"

"She's seeing a patient right now. Can I take your message?" Her assistant says through the phone.

"My girlfriend is Dr. Herman's patient and she's experiencing a lot of pain right now and she's in a moderate risk pregnancy. I'd like to know what to do?"

"I'll transfer you to Dr. Montgomery. She's better equipped to walk you through this than me. One second."

"Dr. Montgomery." Her voice resounds on the phone.

"Hi. My name is Harry. We've met before. My girlfriend is Dr. Herman's patient and she's experiencing a lot of pain right now. I'd like to know what I should do." He says.

"How far along is she?"

"35 weeks."

"Okay. I'm gonna need her name and register number here so I can take a look at her file."

"It's Alison Taylor." I mumble. "Number 16014731."

"Alison Taylor. Number 16014731." Harry repeats.

"Ok. It says here she had some placental detachment a few weeks ago. Is there any blood?"

"No." Harry says.

"Any contractions? And if so, how spaced?"

"She says there's none."

"Can she describe her pain to me and where it is?"

"It's in my lower belly. It's a dull permanent ache rather than sharp short ones. My lady parts hurt too. Like it's sore." I say over the phone.

"Okay." She calmly says. "Listen, Dr. Herman is likely going to be done in about 20 minutes. If there are no contractions and no bleeding, it's likely we're on the clear from labor. But I'm gonna ask you to come over to make sure."

"Okay." I say.

"We'll be there soon." Harry said as he hung up.

The phone rings again and it's my mom.

"I'm in front of your gate. Just going through. Come open the door." She says and Harry goes to open the door for her.

When they do return, I'm still in the same position I was when Harry left.

Laying in the middle of the bed half-naked with just a sheet covering me.

"Hi, honey. How are you doing?" She says as she enters my bedroom.

"It just hurts a lot."

"What happened?"

"I don't know. I went to sleep and I was fine. When I woke up, the pain was already here."

"Okay. We're going to head over to the hospital. See what this is all about." She says as she sits down by my side.

"Do you think it's for the best if we run her a nice shower first?" Harry asks.

"I don't know." She says.

"Yes, please." I say softly.

"Okay." He says as he disappears back into the bathroom.

My mom goes to find me something to wear.

Harry returns first and he helps me sit up and get my shirt and bra off to go take a shower.

"I can't believe it." I say after I settle down into the tub so I don't have to stand under the shower.

"What?" Harry asks as he starts gently spraying water over me with the showerhead.

"That this is happening again." I say as tears fall from my eyes.

"We don't know what this is, love. Maybe it's nothing."

"This is a second wave of complications. I'm sure."

"You'll be okay." He says as he calmly rubs my back.


	41. Scary day

We make it into the hospital in just about 30 minutes.

Martha is waiting for us.

"Hi." She greets us as she takes me into Dr. Herman's office. "Dr. Herman is just out of surgery. She'll be down here in a moment." I nod. "I'm gonna help you get into the gown. Is that okay?" I nod again. "Grandma and dad can wait here. We'll be right back." She says.

"Do you think she's okay?" I whisper as Martha pulls my pants down. "My baby. She's awfully quiet now. I'm really scared." I finish.

"We're going to find out soon. Just try and take a couple of deep breaths. Okay?" I nod.

"She was moving a lot earlier, Martha, and now she has gone quiet. Do you think she's okay?" I cry. 

"Deep breaths. We're gonna take care of you. Okay? Let's assess the situation quickly and then we'll know what we're dealing with here." 

When I head out and hop into the gurney, Dr. Herman comes through the door with Dr. Montgomery in tow.

After quick pleasantries, she washes her hand quickly and so does Dr. Montgomery.

"Dr. Montgomery told me all about the call today. She's going to be assisting me. It'll make the process faster. If anything is wrong, I wanna know sooner rather than later." I nod. "You already know Martha. She's gonna help us through this too."

"Okay." I say as tears fall towards my ears.

"I want you to tell me what I always tell you about us. What are we?"

I think for a second.

"You and I. What are we?" She asks again.

"A team." I say.

"Exactly. We're a team. We're going to work this through. Okay?" She asks and I nod.

"Martha, please, give me a full panel on blood work and a urine sample through a catheter."

"On it." She says.

Dr. Montgomery sets up the ultrasound machine.

"A little cold." She warns beforehand.

When the wand does touch my belly, it goes around everywhere.

"Is she still there?" I ask quietly.

"Give me a second." She says deeply concentrated.

"Please... Tell me she's still there. I can't lose her." I sob and Harry holds my hand as my mom, standing behind the gurney, pats my hair.

"It's gonna be okay honey." She says.

"Please!!!" I wail as the silence from the machine grows thicker. "Please tell me she's okay."

Dr. Herman comes closer to Dr. Montgomery and her face is hard and unreadable.

"Please. She can't be gone. I've gotten everything ready for her. Please... God. No." I wail harder than before. My heart rate increases a bit.

"Shhh, love."

"She can't be gone. Her closet is ready a-and you set her bookshelf... She has b-books now. S-she has... It's ready." I sob. "Everything is r-ready. She can't just b-be g-gone. She can't-" I wail before I'm interrupted by Dr. Montgomery. 

"She's here." Dr. Montgomery says suddenly. "She's right here." She looks up to meet my eyes and sighs in relief.

"Can I hear it?" I wail still on the edge.

The sound of her little heart invades the room and I finally feel like I can breathe again.

"She seems to be okay. But she's way too down low. She won't last more than a week in this position. She'll come earlier than we thought." Dr. Herman says. "I'm gonna need to perform a pelvic exam to make sure everything is alright there. Okay?"

"Can I p-please listen to h-her heartbeat a bit l-longer?" I sob and Dr. Montgomery nods. 

"Absolutely." She sets it up and once again, her strong heartbeat invades the room as I grasp at nothing trying to calm down. 

"It's really sore down there though." I say apprehensive after I manage to calm down enough.

"It's probably gonna hurt a bit."

"Okay."

"I just need to put a Doppler on." Dr. Montgomery says. "Wanna monitor baby's heartbeat a little while. Check for abnormalities."

I sit up and she puts it around my belly.

"Scoot down to the end of the bed, please." Dr. Herman says and I comply.

Upon taking a look just on the outside, she gets back on my line of view.

"Taylor, did you try to have intercourse or put anything inside your canal?"

"No."

"Did you try to wash it inside with streaming water or maybe a showerhead?"

"No."

"Did you use anything different down here? New soap. Maybe a shared one? Or a new lotion?"

"No. Mine is liquid. Has always been and we don't share it. Also, nothing new. Everything is the same."

"Did you touch yourself or let yourself be touched even without penetration?"

"No."

"Okay. There's a bit of swelling. If it's not trauma from penetration, not allergies or irritation from products, then it's likely an infection. I'm gonna have to check inside though."

"Okay."

"Little cold. Maybe a bit of pain and pressure." She says as the speculum touches me.

When she pushes it inside, it feels like she's pressing down on a very much bruised area and the pain that shoots through me is insane.

My heart rate picks up again and my head throws back on its own accord.

"I need you to breathe. If you stop breathing, you'll cause your baby's sats to drop. That's not good." Dr. Montgomery says.

"I can't." I push out.

"Okay. Pull it out." She says to Dr. Herman. "She's gonna need local anesthesia." She says.

"I was trying to avoid that." She says. "I need her to tell me if she feels any pain in her cervix."

"Damn it." Dr. Montgomery says.

"Taylor, do your very best to keep breathing. I know this is painful. But I need you to not hold your breath like that. If we work together, this will only take a minute. Okay?" I nod.

"I'll try."

She pushes it inside again and for the first few seconds, I can't breathe again.

"Taylor, release that breath. Stop holding it." Dr. Herman says.

When that doesn't work, Dr. Montgomery presses down firmly on my chest to divert my thoughts and I release my breath and a few sobs too.

"That's better." She says.

"I'm going to collect some samples and we'll be done soon."

"O-okay." I hiccup.

"Oh. It's definitely an infection. There's a bit of an abscess." She says. "Come take a look. Maybe I'm gonna have to drain it." She tells the other doctor.

"Definitely drain it." She agrees.

"Taylor. You definitely have an infection here. We're gonna have to drain it. But after draining it, I like to wash the sight with an antibiotic solution, so I might need to keep you here for a little while longer so we can wait for your test results."

"Am I getting admitted?"

"No. You can just stay here. We're gonna start some fluids and pain management though." I nod.

She cleans me up and Martha sets up the IV port for the fluids.

A couple of hours goes by before the doctor returns.

"Turns out it's a simple infection. It's never good to get vaginal infections when pregnant so of course, that's something I'm on the lookout for. But it's simple to treat. I'm going to drain it now and then I'll wash it off with a solution of clindamycin. I'm going to give you some anesthesia this time though. Just local." She says and I nod.

Once she's drained the abscess comes the part where she actually needs to wash it off.

"You're not gonna feel much. Maybe you'll be able to feel the warmth of the solution and pressure. You're not supposed to feel a lot of pain though. A little is fine, but a lot, let me know."

"Okay."

I felt a lot of pressure at first then felt some hot liquid return rushing back.

I tense up a bit.

"Any pain?" 

"A little bit." I nod. "Mostly pressure. Also, it's running down behind. The liquid, I mean." 

"Okay. Little pain is okay. It's okay. We'll clean you up when I'm done." She says.

After the whole thing is done, I'm ready to go home.

"Listen, you'll still need to come back here for your appointment on Friday morning. Okay?" I nod. "If you notice anything else, call me again."

"Okay."

"How's the pain?"

"Better. But still there." I say.

"That's to be expected. Now, avoid baths. Showers only. Okay? Everything else still stands. Don't overdo it." She says.

"Okay."

"I'll see you in two days." She says as we bid our goodbyes before heading out to fill out my antibiotics prescription and heading home.

I lay down quietly in my bedroom alone as my mom is downstairs making us a late dinner/snack and Harry has gone out to pick up my prescription.

"Hi there, baby." I say softly as I run my hands gently over my belly.

"It's mommy." I say then fall into silence. She doesn't move this time. She normally does when I address her.

"Today has been a scary day, huh? Do you think you can move just a little bit so mommy's heart will stop racing?" I ask gently and I feel a very light flutter in my lower belly.

"Thank you, baby. I'm so glad you're okay." I continue. "Mommy was so scared today, baby. I'm so glad you're tucked safely inside mommy."

"I've gotten everything ready for you, you know? I know mommy was scared at first and I'm so sorry, but I'm so excited now. I'm so very happy you're coming along, my sweet baby girl." She moves a bit again.

"Do you think you can hold on for another two weeks at least though?" I say as tears come to my eyes again.

"I just want you to be safe, my sweet baby. So if you can, hold off on coming out for another two weeks so that you're okay when you do finally come." I rub gently and she moves her little feet right under my hand.

"I love you. Do you know that? I love you so much already. I can't wait to have you in my arms. I promise I'll do my very best to give you the best life possible, sweet baby girl. I don't make a lot of promises but this one I make to you. I'll do my very best. I love you."

I fall back into silence for a few seconds before I hear a slight knock on the door.

I look over and it's my mom balancing lunch in one hand and wiping away her tear with the other.

"Come in." I say as I sit up a bit.

"Sorry, honey. Couldn't help but overhear it." She says. "I didn't want to interrupt."

"It's okay."

"You're such an amazing mom already."

"I hope I can be the best mom to her like you were to me." I say.

"You already are, baby." She says as she places a kiss on my forehead. 

"Thanks, mom." She gently kisses my nose. 

"Brought you dinner and a snack." She says on a different note.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat something, honey."

"I don't think I'll be able to keep it down."

"Are you in pain still?"

"A little bit. Yeah. Mostly pressure though. On my lower belly."

"Okay. But maybe have some tea. I'll get a bucket in case you want to hurl it out." She smiles.

"Mom..."

"Just have some of it. Okay? You haven't eaten in over 7 hours. It's a long time already. Have some tea and then I'll let you go to sleep."

I try to have as much of the lemon tea as possible. Still, it isn't a lot. I manage to eat half a plain toast too.

I lay in bed now and soon I hear the doors downstairs opening and closing twice.

The next thing I know, Harry is climbing into bed behind me.

He places a gentle kiss on my hair and another one on my neck and I turn to face him.

"You're home." I mumble. 

"Yeah. Got your antibiotic cream."

"Mkay. Thanks." 

"You're in bed early." He smiles.

"I'm so tired I could sleep for 3 days." I chuckle.

"Go to sleep, love. Get some rest." He kisses my cheek. 

"Hold me?"

"Always."


	42. Drama levels

"So Taylor, how have you been feeling since the beginning of the antibiotics?" Dr. Herman asks on my next appointment.

"Good. A little bit of pain sometimes but mostly okay."

"Good. So you're almost 36 weeks, and your baby is very much in the right position to birth so if I'm being honest, it's likely she'll come sometime this upcoming week, tops, by the end of the next one."

"But she's gonna be okay if she comes around that time, right?"

"She seems to be healthy and nicely developed, so there's no indication that we'll face any arbitrary situation." 

"Okay." I nod. 

"Since your gestational counting doesn't seem to match, we're not taking any bets. For the next 3 days, we are going to give you medication for the baby. It's meant to help mature her lungs in case she does come early. If she doesn't though, it doesn't harm her to have her lungs mature." She says and I nod.

After explaining to both me and Harry how the medication is meant to help the baby should she come early, she applies the single shot of it to my butt. 

"There you go." She smiles as I wince. "Since I'm a bit worried about her coming sometime this next week, I'm gonna set up your new appointment to Thursday morning. Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see you then."

Going home is a whole different hassle. I feel like she's pressing down on my canal so the drive home is rather uncomfortable.

"Can we stop for fries and ice cream?" I ask after we pull out into the highway.

"I'm not sure that'd be a good idea for you though." Harry says without looking at me.

"It can't harm me. That's for sure."

"Doctor said you should keep off those things."

"She said that at the beginning. Come on. All the nutrition I could possibly give this baby, I already did. If I eat junk food once, she'll be fine." I huff.

"Love, maybe you should wait until we get home. I'll bake you some potatoes." He suggests.

"I don't want it!" I exclaim.

"You just said-"

"I want it fried!" I whine.

"Love, be reasonable."

"No! You be reasonable. Once! That's all I'm asking." I beg.

"Love..."

"I'm gonna ask my mom." I huff.

"She'll say no." He sighs.

"I'll ask my dad then."

"I'm going to instruct him to say no." He counteracts.

"I'm his little girl. He won't say no." I say.

Turns out. He does. He very much does say no.

"Love, come on." He says as I lay in bed crying.

"I never ask for anything! The one time I ask for something you won't give it to me." I wail.

"But that's not good for you or the baby."

"I don't care. It was once! I haven't eaten anything of the sort in months! Once wasn't going to do anything to us." I say.

"Come on. Come have lunch with us."

"No!" I wail.

"Please? I baked some potatoes. I promise it tastes just as good."

"It does not!" I bury my face under the covers.

"You're going to skip lunch?"

"Yes!" I huff again.

"Okay fine." He sighs before getting up to leave. "If you get hungry, you know where the food is." He says.

'What the hell has gotten into me to act so childish?' I sigh after he's gone. 

Hormones, I guess.

About an hour later, I can still hear some of the laughter coming from the kitchen.

Lunch is a long-gone affair. 

One that my stomach tells me I shouldn't have skipped.

I won't accept defeat though.

Instead, I march downstairs stomping my feet as loud as I can on the stairs, walking into the kitchen to find all three of them silently anticipating my arrival and now staring at me.

I open the fridge to look at my options to snack on.

"There's lunch for you in the oven." Harry dares to say.

"I don't want it!" I exhale.

"Thought you might be hungry." He says and when I look back, he has raised his hands in surrender.

"Not for baked potato!" I exclaim. "God. I wish Austin was here."

"So he too could've said no to your request?" My mom says.

"If there's one person in this world I trust would never ever deny me anything on the range of a junk food menu, it's Austin!" I say and she shakes her head.

"Just go eat lunch." Harry sighs.

"I said no." I huff.

I put some turkey on the counter instead and juice.

While they all closely watch my every move, I make myself a turkey sandwich and pour some orange juice to take upstairs.

Once I'm done, I put everything back and slam the fridge door shut regretting it instantly.

This isn't my parent's house anymore and I'm not 16. What am I even doing?

It's too late to reconsider now though. So I move along storming out of the room.

"The level of her drama sometimes. I swear to God." I hear Harry sigh.

"Tell me about it." My mom says. "She's been storming out of rooms since she was 2." She says.

"Yep." My dad agrees. "She won't be eating those baked potatoes though. Make sure you have something else for dinner." He says and I smirk.

I spend the rest of my afternoon in my bedroom.

After a quick nap, Harry comes to check on me.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asks from the door.

"Yeah." I say.

"Dinner will be ready soon."

"Not hungry." I pout.

"You can't possibly still be mad about not getting to eat junk food. Come on."

"Yes, I'm still mad! I held off my entire pregnancy basically. Towards the end, I don't think it'd be much of an issue if I had it. You're just being mean."

"I'm not being mean. I'm just being precautious."

I don't respond anything to that, I just bury myself further into the covers.

"If she comes with a potato face, I'll tell her it's your fault." I pout under the covers and he laughs.

"She's not gonna come looking like a potato. You're too cute to make a potato baby." He kisses my hair and I smile a bit.

I end up getting up to eat dinner with him since my parents left already.

It's a really fast affair though. The baby decides it's a good time to move around a bit now.

That's a really painful idea of hers though for when she moves, I not only feel it in my belly, I also feel her pressing down on my canal.

When I hiss, Harry looks up.

My hand shoots down to my lower belly.

"What?"

"She's moving." I say and he stares at me. "She's rather low. I can feel it all the way in my canal when she moves now. Feels like she's gonna pop out."

He hisses instead.

"That sounds painful."

As she moves for a few minutes, I lose my appetite soon and a nauseating feeling sets its buzz instead.

"I feel nauseous." I tell him.

In a sudden move from my stomach, my mouth fills up with the contents of tonight's dinner.

I run towards the bathroom just as another wave hits.

I empty my stomach onto the toilet as Harry holds my hair out of the way.

"Better?" He asks gently.

"Yeah."

I get up to go upstairs to brush my teeth and head straight into bed.

The next day, it's a hell raised day of nausea. The doctor says it's okay so long as I keep myself hydrated so I just gotta get through it.

As I empty my stomach for the hundredth time today, I whine into Harry's arms. 

"This is annoying."

"I know, love."

"I want it to stop." I sniffle. 

"I know, my love. I wish I could fix it for you."

"I wanna go to bed now." I whine. "I think I could use a nap."

"Sure, baby." He smiles. 

The nap turns into a full night of sleep and soon enough, Thursday rolls around.

At this point, both my feet are rather swollen and though I can now breathe much better, my ability to hold my bladder could surely be compared to a 2 years old toddler.

"Damn it." I say as I fail to get to the bathroom in time and a considerable spot now lays on my panties glaring at me in complete mockery of my inability to help it.

I change clothes for the thousandth time that week.

Once I finally do leave for my appointment with Harry and both my parents, I'm rather moody.

I slam the car door shut as I'm the last one inside.

"Everything okay?" Harry whispers for my ears only.

"Peachy." I snarl.

He raises his brows but doesn't make much of a big deal about it.

We make it to the hospital in complete silence and soon I'm on the examination table.

"She's rather low and there's significant cervical effacement. She's getting ready to come out." Dr. Herman says smiling.

"Honestly, I can't wait." I say.

"According to all your tests, everything seems okay. Your baby seems to be coming soon so I'm gonna set up another appointment for Monday morning because you have quite a bit of swelling in your feet and means you're retaining liquids. Should be okay though. Just to make sure we don't need to intervene."

"Okay."

"I'll see you then."

Late that night, Harry is still in my music room when I come to wrap my arms around him.

"Are you mad?" I ask.

"No."

"Upset?"

"No." He says and sighs. "I'm just frustrated. Feels like everything I do around you is wrong nowadays. If I cook, it's the wrong food. If I run you a shower, it's the wrong temperature. If I let sunlight into the house, it'll be the wrong sun. If I breathe around you, I'll breathe wrong." He sighs.

"I'm sorry I've been so moody and taking it out on you a lot. I'm working on holding it back." I kiss his head.

"It's frustrating as hell, and I wish it weren't because it feels stupid to ask a pregnant woman to be reasonable. Yet here I am. Pathetic as hell." He says looking up to meet my eyes.

I place a gentle half upside-down kiss on his lips.

"Wanna hear something?" I ask.

"Sure." He says and I sit down by his side on the piano.

_"I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue."_

I start to sing once I hit the right key.

Once I'm done, my hands fall from the piano but I'm unable to look up at him.

"It-it still needs finishing and all and it's not ready or anything. I just thought I should show it to you because you know... I think you're a bit blue because I keep going off at you and it's not what I mean and I'm really sorry. So I wrote this song a little while ago but never showed it to you because it's not yet finished and-"

His lips connect to mine softly and I just melt into his warmth.

"You were rambling." He says smirking when we part.

"I tend to do that sometimes." I say looking down.

"It's a beautiful song." He says.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry." I say.

"I hear you. Thank you for showing it to me." He says.

"Will you please come to bed?" I ask and he nods.

"Sure, baby." He kisses me softly again.

"And please don't be mad anymore? I want cuddles." I pout and he chuckles. 

"Such a baby." He laughs. 

"Your baby." I smile.

Monday morning comes rather quickly and by then, an annoying pain has installed itself permanently on my lower back.

The swelling of my feet has gotten significantly worse.

The pressure down my canal has also grown significantly.

"I think we're in rather thin ice. Maybe 3 to 4 days. Maybe less." Dr. Herman says.

"I'm rather scared, to be honest." I say and she smiles.

"It's very normal and understandable. But we'll work together to make this as peaceful and easy on you both as we can." I nod.

"What if I'm not strong enough to push her out?" I ask as tears run down my face.

"Taylor, I promise, you'll do just fine. This is just hormones. Okay? The day will come and we'll get through it likely together and by the end of that day, you should have a beautiful little girl in your arms." She says as she holds my hand. "Okay?"

"Okay." I sniffle.

"Other than the fear of labor, how's everything?"

"I feel like a whale who just got stuck on the sand." I tell her. "Also, this insistent pain has set a permanent home on my lower back it seems. It won't go away."

"Is it constant or waves?"

"Neither. I don't know how to explain it."

"Keep an eye out for that. If it gets any worse, call me. Your pelvic exam does not indicate any contractions. But be aware that it could start somewhere within the next couple of days or any time, really."

"Okay."

"If that baby doesn't come before then, we'll have another appointment by Friday morning. Your latest panels showed me the infection has cleared and there's nothing to worry about. We'll just wait." She smiles. "Also, congratulations! If she's born anytime this week, she's a term baby." I smile. "You did it, mama." She high fives me. "See you soon."

"See ya." I grin. 

That afternoon, we set up to have a small barbecue at my house.

Both my parents and Austin come and it's a rather fun day.

The sun is shinning quite brightly outside, so I make it a personal mission to sit outside every once in a while so as to soak up some sun.

After lunch, I sit on the grass and Harry comes to sit by me after playing water gun war with Austin.

"Did you win?" I ask him as he pouts.

"Of course he did not. I'm a master at this game." Austin says as he too plops down beside me.

"In my absence, anyone can be a master at this game, I guess." I mock and he shoves me.

I turn around a second to pick up my glass of lemonade from the little tray behind me and spill it all over Austin in the process.

"No way! You did that on purpose, Taffy." He shrieks.

Upon noticing my frozen up expression, he settles down a bit.

"What's wrong?" He asks and I look straight ahead instead.

"What is it?" Harry asks. "Braxton Hicks again?" He places a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"Taffy, what is it?"

"My water broke." I say slowly.


	43. Love definitions have been updated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited and nervous at the same time. LOL  
> But here's a new chapter.  
> If you can, please, let me know what you think.

"My water broke." I say and they both laugh.

"Nice try but if it's got lemons in it, it's lemonade, not water." Austin says. "Ugh. It got through my underwear, man." He whines. 

"I mean it. My water broke. Help me get up." I turn to Harry and then to Austin and back to Harry again.

"Are you fucking with me?" Harry asks.

"No." I say slowly. "Help me get to my feet. I'm pretty sure my water just broke."

He stares at me for a moment searching my face.

"Oh my god." Harry says and Austin goes with a "Holy shit." at the same time as they both scrambled to their feet.

"Mom!" Austin goes off running towards the house. "Mom!!!" He yells. "Taffy's water just broke." He screams and I hear my mother's squeals all the way from the swing set outside the backdoor.

He runs to her and returns with our parents before Harry can pull me up to my feet.

"How are doing?"

"Are you in pain?"

"Is there any contractions?"

"Do you want me to call the doctor?"

The questions fly out of their mouths before I can catch them and I can't actually answer any of them.

As I'm brought up to my feet, Harry supports my weight a bit.

"Are you okay?" He asks nervously.

"Yes. I'm okay."

"Do I call Dr. Herman now or later?"

"Later. I'm not having any contractions yet." I tell him as I smile.

"Okay."

"I'm so happy." My mom says as she and my dad encircles me.

"Me too, mom. Me too."

"I'm going to be an uncle by the end of today." Austin says as he smiles at me.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear you say that. She exists already and I'm sure she's rather offended you just implied otherwise."

"That's not what I mean." He panics. "I just meant by the end of today, I'll get to meet her and-"

"Dude, chill. I'm messing with you." Everyone laughs. "Now can we please head inside because this is actually uncomfortable? It feels like I peed my pants." I say and everyone laughs again.

As we head inside, Harry is in charge of helping me get out of the sundress I had on to get changed into something else.

His hands are shaking more than I am as of right now.

"Babe, calm down. She's not going to drop down on your hands. It's okay. We've got a couple of hours at least." I say.

"I know. I'm just nervous." He smiles tightly.

"Me too." I say. "But by the end of this day, we're gonna have a baby. She'll be here. We'll get to hold her." I squeal in delight and he smiles wildly as he comes up to place a kiss on my lips.

"I can't believe it. She'll be here today."

"Do you know what day is today?" I ask amused.

"Monday." He says.

"The 13th." I fill it in for him and he smiles.

"As if you weren't obnoxious about this at all before." He teases and I punch him lightly.

"It's my lucky number. Shut up."

"I know. Now it'll become certainly a cool number in my books too." He says.

He kisses me lightly as he helps me into a loose shirt and underwear with a maxi pad on.

"Is this okay?"

"Yeah." I say.

"Want to put on some loose shorts or something?"

"No. It's fine." I say.

"Do we call the doctor now?"

"I guess. I think I have to inform her that my water broke."

I pick up the phone and speed dial her. It rings three times before she picks up.

"Dr. Herman." She states.

"Hi. It's Taylor."

"Oh. Hi. Is everything okay?"

"Um. Yeah. But... My water just broke about 10 minutes ago." I say and she laughs.

"I guess it's today then. It is 1:23 pm right now." I'll mark it as the rupture time of the water sack." She says and I can hear the smile on her voice.

"I guess." I smile too.

"Are you experiencing any contractions?"

"No. Just that back pain I told you about earlier."

"What color was the water?"

"Don't know actually. I think it was clear but I was seating in the grass outside over a towel so it soaked up the water, I'm afraid."

"Does it smell like anything?"

"Not really. I think." I speak on the phone. "Harry get me that dress, she's asking if it smells like anything." I tell Harry and he smells my dress for me.

"Doesn't smell like anything."

"Harry says it doesn't smell like anything."

"Okay." She says. "Was it a big gush or just a little one of water?"

"Medium, I'd say. It's still coming out I think. I put on a pad, I'll know more in a few minutes."

"Ask someone to take a look up your canal to see if the liquid is clear and if there's any blood. Tell them to wash their hands thoroughly and not touch you at all. Just look." She says. "I'll wait."

"Okay." I say into the phone. "She said we should take a look to see if there's any blood and if the liquid is clear. She said to wash your hands thoroughly and not touch me. Just look." I tell Harry.

"Okay." He says nervously.

"What do I do? Do I come to the hospital yet?" I say into the phone.

"Depends on how you report the liquid back to me." She says.

Harry comes back and I lay back in bed for him to take a look.

"No blood. The liquid seems clear." He says.

"He says the liquid is clear and there's no blood." I tell her.

"Okay." She says. "Good. Now here's the thing. It doesn't sound like you're in labor yet. Just your water broke prematurely. It doesn't mean much. It happens sometimes. You have 12 hours to go into labor by yourself. If your body fails to go into labor by then, you'll come over and I'll induce it for you." She says.

"Alright."

"If you do go into labor before then and your contractions hit somewhere like 8 to 10 minutes apart, head over here. If by any means you feel the need to push while you're not here, don't do it and call me."

"Ok."

"Taylor?"

"Hum?"

"Good luck and congratulations." She says and I hear her smile in her voice again.

"Thank you." I say and we hang up.

12 hours she said? Turns out, I didn't need that much time.

3 hours later, contractions were hitting me hard.

"Ughh..." I groan in pain once again. Harry stands close by me at all times while the rest of my family seems to have understood their own role in this whole deal while keeping somewhat of a distance. I hold on to Harry's shirt and he holds on to me to keep me balanced and grounded.

"Deep breaths." He says and I comply. "How long was this one?" He asks to which Austin responds with "37 seconds".

"It's growing stronger and closer together." I say after I breathe in some air. "How long ago was the last one?"

"20 minutes." My dad says.

"Jeez. Feels like it was 2 minutes ago." I sigh.

My phone rings and my mother picks up. It's Dr. Herman.

"Tay, she wants to talk to you. Do you think you can manage?" My mom asks.

"Yeah." I say as I take the phone. "Can we go sit down for now?" I ask Harry and he nods leading me to the couch.

I sit down but it doesn't feel comfortable so I get back up.

Instead of trying again, I start pacing the room while on the phone.

"Taylor, how's everything?"

"Good. But I'm definitely in labor."

"So I've heard." She says kindly. "How far apart are the contractions?"

"About 20 minutes."

"How many have you had in that timing?"

"This one is the first. Before this, space was 30 minutes."

"Okay. Good. It's progressing." She says. "In general, how are you feeling?"

"Tired." I say softly.

"Maybe take a nap? You'll need to be on your best game when you hit active labor."

"I can't take a nap like this." I whine.

"Listen, go somewhere quiet, find a good position, and maybe, have Harry lay down with you."

"I'll try." I say into the phone.

"When the contractions come in 8 minutes apart, it's time to head over. If you think there will be any traffic or trouble getting here, then head over at 10 minutes apart."

"Okay." I hang up.

"Thought you wanted to sit down." Harry chuckles.

"It's uncomfortable." I whine.

"Come here. I'll hold you." He says.

I go to sit down again, this time sitting half off his lap so as to not put pressure on my vagina again.

"Better?" He asks as his hands rub my leg and the other supports my back.

"Yeah." I mumble.

I lay my head in the crook of his neck and he places a gentle kiss on my face.

"I'm tired already." I mumble. "This takes up a lot of energy." I say.

"Do you think you can manage to take a nap?" I shake my head.

"She said I should try but the next contraction will hit in about 10 minutes. I don't wanna be woken up by it." I say and he nods.

Sure enough, in about 10 minutes, my belly contracts, and my whole body tenses up.

"Oh..." I'm unable to finish as this one hits harder like a crescendo.

Harry holds me to prevent me from falling backwards from his lap as I throw my head back.

"My god." I push out.

Then, just as suddenly as it came, it's gone again.

"How long?" Harry asks.

"42 seconds." Austin says. "Still on the 20 minutes space."

"Okay." Harry says.

I lay my head back down into his neck.

"Do you want anything to eat honey?"

"No." I say to my dad.

"Wanna head into bed for a bit to try and take a nap?" Harry asks.

"Yeah."

We head back to my bedroom with Harry now in charge of the chronometer to try and give me a chance to sleep quietly.

As soon as I lay down, I already know that's not going to work.

"It's uncomfortable." I whine. "Puts pressure on my belly."

"Want to put a pillow underneath it."

We try that and it doesn't make it much better.

"I wanna go sit down." I say.

"Sure, love."

We head back to the living room where my family is now.

"Weren't you going to nap?" Austin asks.

"Can't." I say simply.

After a few short minutes. Another contraction hits me.

I sit back down with Harry and he holds me straddling him this time. It gives me better support this way.

I rest my face in his neck again and he rubs my back softly with his hands.

Soon, I drift into a light sleep.

Needless to say, I'm jolted awake when the next contraction comes like a wrecking ball.

I decide after that to play some Scrabble instead. It should keep my focus off of labor for a bit.

I was rather distracted whatsoever so obviously, between all contractions, I don't win this round.

After an hour, when my contractions are coming irregularly somewhere between 12 to 15 minutes, I find myself tired of the game.

Austin wins this one but even he isn't in the mood for it and knows the game was mostly a distraction and held slim to no meaning at all.

"Are you doing okay?" He asks as he sets the game apart.

"Yeah." I say going back and forth around the couch.

After a few minutes, another one hits and I squat down to the floor.

When I get up again, I feel drained and nauseous.

"Can I take a bath?" I ask my mom.

"Don't know, honey. I think so, but let me just shoot a text to Dr. Herman to confirm it."

I wait a few minutes before she responds with a yes.

Harry runs it for me. Plain. No bath salts and no bubbles.

I go in to settle down in the water Harry sits up by the side of the tub.

I sit down kind of on my side so that my weight is in my leg rather than my center.

When the next contraction hits, my hand shoots out from underwater to grip Harry's hand.

"13 minutes apart. Lasted for 42 seconds." He says after it's gone and I nod.

A knock on the door pulls me out of my haze.

"Come in, I say."

"Are you naked?" Austin's voice rings through the door.

"No." I chuckle and he peeks his head in.

"Mom wanted me to ask what you want for dinner. She says it's mandatory."

"Jesus. Tell that woman I'm in labor and I don't want no dinner." I tell him.

"You tell her then. I ain't gonna pull that one off." He says as he sits down at my counter.

I soak in the bathtub a while longer before the water too becomes irritating as a state and I want to get out.

I'm dressed once again in an oversized shirt with underwear and a sports bra. This time, I put on pajama pants though. Night has already fallen upon us.

After a failed attempt to get me to eat almost ends in disaster, (meaning I almost threw up all over the table.) I'm allowed to just pick at a salad and some fruits.

I get up again during dinner.

Feels like sitting down is gonna make my belly burst or my private parts explode.

Another contraction hits me hard. Still 13 minutes apart. This is the 5th under this time table.

I head out into the living room and pace around the room for a while before coming to sit down with Harry again.

I straddle him once again and for the first time, fear creeps into me during this time.

"I'm scared." I whisper for only his ears.

"It'll be okay. You're doing amazing." He whispers back.

"Do you think she's okay in there?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"I want this to be over but I'm so scared of what active labor is going to be like."

"I know. I can only say I'm here and I'll be here for the rest of this. We'll get through it." I don't say anything back. "I love you." He whispers and I just manage to squeeze his hand three times before another one hits me.

"Did you call your mom?" I ask after it's gone.

"Yeah."

"Is she coming?"

"Yeah. She'll be here in the morning."

"Mkay. And your sister?"

"Gemma is coming with my mom." He says and I nod.

"Do you think she'll look like me or you?" I ask.

"Hope she looks like you. Maybe the looks come attached to your strength and bravery." He says and I pick up my head to place a small kiss on his lips before laying back down.

I play with the rings on his fingers now and he just caresses my back with his other hand.

Another contraction hits me and my hands lock on his shirt.

It's 11 minutes apart now.

My fingers now trace the tattoos on his arm that I know by heart at this point and without the regular weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that announced another contraction, this one hit me like a tsunami. I tense up so hard I feel like my bones are going to break.

"I wanna head over to the hospital now." I tell him as I come out of this one a bit breathless.

"Baby, maybe we should wait a bit longer. Right, Andrea?" Harry says.

"Yes. There's no point in going right now. There isn't much that can be done yet." She agrees.

"Please?" I whisper. "I wanna go." I say. 

"Love, you'll be more comfortable here." 

"I wanna go." I wince. 

"Are you sure, babe?" 

"Please. I wanna go now."

"Okay." He says.

"I'm gonna go set up everything." My mother says.

"I'll go get the car." My dad says.

Harry and I head back into my bedroom to change clothes and soon enough, we're on our way to the hospital.

By the time we make it there, contractions are 7 minutes apart.

"Hey, Taylor." Dr. Herman says as soon as she sees me but a contraction hits and I'm unable to respond.

After pleasantries, I'm set up in a private room.

"Big day." Martha, the nurse that normally takes care of me comes to see me.

"Yeah." I say smiling.

"Are you excited?" I nod.

"Yes. But it's so painful." I sigh and she laughs.

"Soon enough you'll have your baby and this will be a distant memory."

"I guess." I smile.

She helps me change into the hospital gown and sets me down in bed to be examined.

"You're 5 centimeters dilated, Taylor. This phase shouldn't last much longer." Dr. Herman informs me after examining me.

I'm placed in a portable Doppler to keep up with the baby's sats but otherwise, I'm then free to walk around.

Harry takes walks with me as does my mom.

I take turns on each of them holding me through contractions. After a little while, I ask to shower and Martha sets up a bath for me.

Not too long after my contractions are five minutes apart so staying in a bathtub doesn't seem so comfortable anymore.

I get out and get into a new gown.

I hear a lot of conversation and noises around me from machines and doors and all but at this point, I can't really keep up.

"Love, you're holding your breath." Harry says and I snap my head around. I didn't even realize I was doing it.

I feel his hands carefully massaging my back, and for a moment, it's a relief but another contraction comes and that relief is long gone.

I sit down, I get up, I pace the room, I lay down. I squat on the floor, I puff my chest out. I've done it all and yet, I'm still 4 minutes apart and 7 centimeters dilated.

It's 9:38 pm, I notice.

A bit of anxiety shoots through me.

What if she isn't born today and decides to come tomorrow?

Can I even handle this many hours of labor?

I press my back against Harry's chest as he stands against the wall and his hands gently massage my belly.

"What if she doesn't come tonight?" I ask almost in tears. "I don't think I can handle this until tomorrow morning." I say. "Also, I really hoped she'd come in the 13th." I say and everyone laughs.

"She'll come soon, love."

Soon doesn't seem soon enough.

When I hit contractions every three minutes, I'm still 8 centimeters in dilation.

"From now on, I'm going to stay here with you. We're going to need to check you every 30 minutes to make sure. Tell me if you need to push but don't do it until I say so." Martha says and I nod.

I pace a bit but every three minutes is really hitting me hard and I feel rather tired by this point.

"Oh my god. I can't do this anymore." I cry out after my latest contraction.

"You're doing amazing, love." I vaguely hear Harry say.

"Shut up! This is your fault!" I scream but he knows I don't mean it. "Oww!!!!!"

"Do you want a massage?" He asks.

"What I want is for this to be over!" I push out and he raises his hands in surrender.

"Love, I'm just trying to help." 

"For fucks sake!!!" I scream and he backs away once my attention is diverted elsewhere.

"So Taylor, are we following directives on your paper?" Dr. Herman asks as she enters the room.

"What?" I pant.

"If we are, it's time all non-essential personnel starts bidding their goodbyes."

I double over the side of the bed when another contraction hits me.

"It's okay if you want to let go of that and keep them all here. But I have to ask."

"I wanna keep them all." I pant after the contraction I done.

"Okay." She says.

After checking me again, I'm still at 8 centimeters and it's 10:17 pm. At this point, I wanna die.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't." I cry out as another contraction hits strongly. 

"Hold on, baby. You're doing amazing." 

"I'm going to light you on FIRE WHEN WE GET HOME!!!" I scream and everyone laughs. "I can't..." I cry. 

"Come here." Martha calls me. "Sit down." She says as she holds a huge ball for me.

"That is just painful." I whine as I wipe my eyes.

"It'll help you dilate a bit more."

I sigh but comply. She holds the ball steady and sits behind me to give me support.

"Harry, come here. Kneel in from of her. She'll need to support." Martha instructs.

Harry does as told but he doesn't move to hold me or come any closer.

Likely because I keep biting his head off for no reason.

I reach forward and place my hands flush in his chest and look out to meet his eyes.

Another contraction hits and I clench my hands around his shirt.

"Lean forward. As far as you can go." Martha slightly pushes me and I lean into Harry who's hands are now holding on to me for dear life.

Martha's hands press down on my lower back and a sharp pain shoots through me as soon as she makes contact.

I open my mouth to protest but find that my voice won't come out, instead, tears do.

Once the contraction is over, Martha's hands fall from my back but I don't recline back.

Instead, I just break down in Harry's arms for a second.

"I can't do this." I cry.

"You're already doing it, love."

"I wanna stop."

"Soon, baby. Soon." He says calmly.

"Hold me a bit longer?" I say. "Please, please, please. Hold me. Please." I cry.

"Always." He says as he holds me through yet another contraction.

Soon, Dr. Herman comes to recheck me and I'm at 9 and a half centimeters at 10:37 pm.

Painful as it is, maybe Martha's technics are actually working.

At this point, it's unbearable though, so I decide to stay in bed instead of getting up again.

Bad idea.

I feel rather nauseous and lightheaded. 

"I don't feel so good." I mumble after another contraction hits. 

"What's wrong?" Martha asks. 

"I feel nauseous and light-headed." 

"Okay. Dr. Herman is going to come to take a look again." She says and I nod. 

Harry stands close to me as he holds my hand.

Before I can control it, my stomach contracts and pushes out what little content I had in it and to what I would call comic, but can't due to pain, so I call tragic, all the contents fall into Harry's feet and his 5 thousand dollars Gucci pair of shoes. 

"I'm so sorry." I cry exhausted. 

"You're okay, baby. You're okay. It's fine." He gently pulls me into his chest as yet another contraction hits. 

"Your shoes..." I say after it's gone. 

"It's just shoes, love. It's okay." 

"Who wears 5 thousand dollars shoes to their baby's birth anyways?" I chuckle and he does too. 

"Wanted to look nice for her." He laughs. 

As time progresses and I still don't feel much better after being examined by Dr. Herman, Martha says I should get up again and I do as told.

"So, we are getting ready to bring this baby out. Taylor, this baby should come within the next 2 hours-" Dr. Herman starts saying.

"2 hours?" I shriek cutting her off. "Still?"

She chuckles at my panicked face now.

"It's likely less." She says. "I'm just covering basis." 

"I can't go for that much longer." I whine and she smiles sympathetically. 

"You're doing just fine. I promise." 

"I feel like I need to push."

"Not yet. It's not time yet." She says and I turn a bit red to the face with the next contraction. "I mean it, Taylor. Not yet. If you try to push when it's not yet time, she'll tear you inside out." She warns and I nod after the contraction is gone. "No pushing." 

I nod and pace the room a bit longer before settling down in bed again. 

"I think I need to go to the bathroom." I say and Martha chuckles. 

"You don't, honey. It's just the baby's head pressing against your bowels." 

"No. I really need to go." I panic. 

"I promise you, you don't need to go." 

"No, please." I cry. 

"I promise you, Taylor. Just breathe. You don't need to go to the bathroom." Martha says and me, as the hormonal idiotic fool that I have now become, I cry into Harry's shirt over not being allowed to go to the bathroom.

She said two hours but thankfully, less time it is.

At 11:02 I'm fully dilated finally.

You see, I was absolutely begging for this stage to come along so it could be over, but when push comes to shove, it's hell on earth for sure. 

My contractions hit less than two minutes apart, and some of them last so long that it overlaps the other and the undeniable urge to push makes me hold my breath a few times as I feel dilacerating pain within my whole being.

"Time to get this show on the road now." Dr. Herman smiles and tears fall down my eyes instead of smiling back. 

Martha and Harry help me get into position and set up to push the baby out as both my parents and Austin stand behind my bed against the wall.

"Okay, Taylor. Now here's how this will go. When I say push, you'll put all your efforts into pushing her out, when I say stop, you stop immediately and breathe."

"Okay." I push out.

The first contraction comes and dr. Herman tells me to push and I do until I turn super red to the face.

"Stop." She says. "Breathe." Harry's hands brush the hair out of my face now as I struggle to pull the air inside. "Let's go again." She says over the next few minutes. "Push." 

And I keep on doing it until I feel the almost unbearable burning feeling down in my private parts. 

"Oh, God. It burns." I push out. 

"She's crowning. Ring of fire now. Deep breath. You're gonna push on the next contraction." Dr. Herman says. "Push." She orders and I do so. 

"Push!"

"Stop."

"Push!"

"Stop."

Quite a few rounds of that come and go before I vaguely register someone saying her head is out.

"Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths. We're halfway done already." Dr. Herman says. "Take a moment then give me a big push on the next contraction to get her shoulders out."

"I can't. I'm so tired." I cry.

"I know you are. I know. But you need to do this. Okay? Your baby is almost here."

"I love you. You're doing amazing. You can do this." Harry, who's arms are now encircling me tightly, says into my ears.

I lightly feel his hands squeezing mine three times before another contraction hits me.

I push as hard as I can but it's still not enough to push her out.

"Another one. Big push. Okay?" I nod and on the next one I give the biggest push I can manage and finally, I hear her loud, strong cry.

A surge of emotions curses through me as dr. Herman places her on top of my chest now.

"Congratulations!" She says and the room erupts in laughter and soft cries.

"You did it, girl." Martha says while she cleans the baby on top of me.

"Hi, baby girl. Hi." I say to her

"You did it, love." Harry cries over me also looking at the incredible little bundled up thing on my chest.

I place a gentle kiss on his lips as I turn to look at her again.

"Hi, baby." I say softly. "Hi. I love you." Her cries come to a halt instantly and she looks up at me.

Huge blue eyes.

"Hi." I say again as I place gentle kisses on her little face. "Aren't you the cutest baby ever?" I ask her and she gently closes her eyes. "I love you so much." I tell her. "You're finally here, my beautiful little girl." I caress her little face. "Mommy loves you so much."

"You're such a cutie, baby." Harry says and she attentively looks at me. "So worth mommy throwing up in daddy's shoes." He says and everyone laughs. "You're so pretty, baby. Daddy loves you so, so much. My sweet baby." He smiles and I do too before he places a gentle kiss on my lips. "We have a baby." He cries. 

"We have a baby." I cry too. 

"Do you still wanna light me on fire when we get home?" He jokes and I slap him but without any force behind it. 

"Dork." 

"I love you." He looks at me. "I love you so much." 

"I love you too." He kisses my face and rests his hand gently over mine on the baby's back. 

"Harry, would you like to cut the cord?" Dr. Herman asks and he nods going down there to do so.

I take that time to look up to meet my parent's eyes and for the first time today, I notice Austin has a camera pointed at me. He snaps a picture at just the right moment to register my content eyes as I'm holding my baby for the very first time.

My love definitions have been updated today and he just so happened to capture that into a picture.


	44. Cutest one ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (My apologies. It was brought to my attention that this chapter had a weird formatting. I did not realize. I posted and then left. I'm sorry. I fixed it. Happy reading.)
> 
> Double post coming. :) 
> 
> I believe these are the last chapters to be posted this year, but I don't know, bookmark me or something so you don't miss an update should I find time to post over this holiday season. 
> 
> Since my family and I quarantined together through this hell on earth year called 2020, we've decided to make some nice food and all for just us so I'm off to have a good time with my family. 
> 
> Hope you guys have a nice holiday with your families/friends/loved ones or alone and if you're missing a loved one like me, my heart goes out to you.  
> If you're out there working at all or you're working directly against covid 19, stay strong, and THANK YOU for your services. 
> 
> Hope we can all have a better year. 
> 
> Happy Holidays!

Soon after I deliver her, she's taken off to be checked and properly cleaned to withhold until her first bath time.

  
"You go with her. Don't let her out of your sight." I tell Harry and he nods.

"You two go too. Snap as many pictures of her as it's allowed." I say to both my original photographer and Austin and they nod their head.

  
My mom takes on her new role to hold onto me. She places a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"Congratulations, baby." She says. "You have a baby of your own now. I'm so happy for you."

  
"Thanks, Mom."

  
"Congratulations, kid. I'm proud of you. Handled that like a champion." My dad says as he smiles and places a kiss on my forehead too.

  
"Thanks, dad."

  
I hear a loud cry from the baby again and I panic for a second.

  
"What's happening?" I ask. "Harry?"

  
"She just scored her first top score. Apgar is all 2." He says proudly and I breathe for a second.

  
About 10 minutes later, my placenta is delivered. Thankfully, it's intact.

  
I look up and Harry is holding the baby now.  
He marvels at how perfect she is and how she instantly calms at the sound of his voice.

  
"So, what's her name?" Austin asks.

  
"Hayden Nicole Styles." I say and the room falls silent.

  
"Skipped the Swift? Good for her." Austin laughs. "It's a beautiful name." He says.

  
"It is." My parents agree.

  
I look down to find Dr. Herman's eyes glued to mine.

  
"Yes. Nicole as in Nicole Herman." I tell her and she smiles.

  
"No one ever names their babies after me." She says and the redness of her face around the mask lets me know she's about to cry.

  
"We thought it'd be fitting. But also, you're confident, powerful, smart, hard-working, fearless, and kind. We thought that it would set a good tone for our little girl." I say and she nods.

  
"Thank you." She says.

  
"Ugh. Ain't that the sweetest moment you've ever seen? My teeth hurt." Austin says and we all laugh.

  
After a bunch of pictures of baby Hayden with Harry and each of my family members, Hayden is handed back to me and another bunch of pictures are snapped of just me and her and some with my family too. 

  
After that, they're all escorted outside except for Harry.

  
I hold her a bit closer. Take a better look at her.

  
Martha comes to help me feed her for the first time.

  
Just as I was promised, she latches on naturally. It doesn't last very long though. It's just a test run.

  
Next, the baby is put on a little bassinet as we are transferred to our room.

  
I'm still absolutely in awe of her and a stupid smile is permanently plastered on my face.  
All the tests needed for her and me have now been run, my family have left and so has the photographer and we are finally allowed to just chill in our room. Or almost.

  
Martha is here now to talk about breastfeeding. I'm about to do it for real for the first time and though you'd think given how I've practiced this with Harry that it would actually be easy, it is not. It's rather hard actually.

  
"Just calmly hold her head to your chest, support your breast and place your fingers as support to guide it for your baby, and then gently touch her top lip with your nipple. She should open her mouth wide. Like a yawn. Guide her to your breast so her chin touches your breast first and then let her take as much of it into her mouth as you can." Martha says.

  
"Won't it suffocate her?" I ask.

  
"No. She'll know if it's too much. She'll pull back to the amount she can handle." She tells me and I nod.

  
Hayden latches on for the first time but it's just wrong. She only caught the nipple and that got a sharp pain to shoot through me and I hiss instantly pulling it back out. 

  
"That was just wrong." I say and she nods. 

  
"Chin first. Bring your baby to your breast, not the other way around. Let her take as much of it inside her mouth as you can." Martha says again and I attempt it the second time.  
She latches on and let go in a matter of seconds and then proceeds to cry her head off.

  
I attempt it for the third time and she latches on properly this time.

  
She suckles pretty strongly at first but as she progresses for a minute, I feel a little flutter before she stops suckling to swallow. 

  
"There you go. She got it." Martha smiles. "If you have any issues, press the call button. Be gentle with yourself through this. This is a learning process for both you and her. Okay? Keep that in mind." 

  
"Thank you, Martha." I smile before I look back at baby Hayden. 

  
I can't keep my eyes from her.

She's beautiful.

Perfect little dark hair. Lots of it. Beautiful round blue eyes. The sweetest little features graces her face. Warm little hands with the cutest little nails. Skin the lightest shade of pink. She's the perfect mixture between Harry and me. But then again, it's not yet possible to tell if she looks like us specifically.

  
She keeps losing her latch on the breast from time to time.

  
I keep having to help her latch back on from time to time until eventually she falls asleep and Harry gently places her in her little bassinet.

  
I'm aware I should get to sleep but I actually can't. I'm way too energetic at this point.

  
"Less than 12 hours in labor on your very first pregnancy. Aren't you the luckiest woman in the world right now?" Abigail says when I call her at 2 am to let her know the baby and I are okay after letting her know the baby was here earlier. 

  
"I guess." I chuckle.

  
"How did your family take the news that you're not going to hyphenate her name?"

  
"I think they half expected it, to be honest. But they were cool."

  
"I'm so proud of you." She says softly.

  
"Thank you." I say. "Will you come by to see her tomorrow?" I ask.

  
"I thought you were going to limit visits." She says.

  
"Dude, not to you. You're like my sister. You can come by." I tell her.

  
"Dude, I'll see you tomorrow then." She says giggling. "I can't wait."

  
The rest of the night goes by in a blur.

Though very tired, I have a rush of adrenaline and can't sleep for quite a while.

  
Unlike Harry, who's passed out on the couch while Hayden sleeps in her little bassinet.  
About 3 am I have to take care of my most dreaded affair. Going to the bathroom for the first time.

  
Martha has now gone home and another nurse comes to help me stand for the first time instead and it's weird and painful as hell.

  
After being warned there might be a lot of blood, I decide not to look.

  
Once all that affair is done and over with, I gently lay back down in bed, and finally, sleep overcomes me.

  
Not to last though. Within the first 5 minutes of my slumber, or so it feels, I hear the faint cries of Hayden in her small bassinet.  
It's time to feed her again.

  
It's always a magical moment to have her in my arms, but now I'm rather tired and she just refuses to go back to sleep.

  
"Come on, baby girl. Help mommy out." I gently nuzzle her lips with my nipple so she'll latch on properly. 

  
It takes her a while but eventually, she latches on and nurses for a while before she feels sleepy again. 

  
Once she finally does go back to sleep, it's almost 4:30 am.

  
By a little over 7 am the next morning, I'm gently shaken awake by Harry.

  
"She's crying. I can't make her stop." He says gently and I feed her once again.

  
Once I'm done, it's time to shower.

  
After I'm done and return to my room, I feed the baby again before she has to go get washed up.

  
By 8:30 am, both of us are showered and ready for the day. Which basically consists of nothing. But, oh well.

  
Anne, Robbin, and Gemma come later that morning and they're absolutely in awe of the beautiful new baby the family has now.

"Oh my god. She has your eyes already Tay." Anne says as she marvels at the little bundled baby in her arms.

  
"Yeah." I smile.

  
"I hope she keeps it." Harry says.

  
"She's such a beautiful little girl." Robin marvels. "I think she's gotten your hair, Hazz." He says. "Were you blonde as a baby, Taylor?"

  
"Yep. That's definitely not my hair." I chuckle.

  
After Anne and Robin marvel at the baby some more, she's passed down to Gemma.

  
"Aww, she's so super cute, Hazz. She looks like Taylor. Aren't we all glad?" She chuckles and we all do too.

  
"She has my hair though. Tay's hoping she gets my smile. I hope not. Tay's prettier than me. I hope she's all her." He says as he turns and I blush.

  
"Seriously though. Congratulations, you two dorks." She says. "She's so beautiful I wanna cry." She says.

  
At that moment, little miss Hayden makes it known she has strong lungs.

  
Her little cries invade the room before Gemma panics and give her back to me. 

  
Robin, knowing Hayden needs to nurse, goes to find some coffee, and as he leaves I place her near my chest.

  
After 3 tries, she manages to latch properly and nurses calmly before falling back into sleep.

  
"I'm going to get going. Give you some time to rest, chicken. If you need anything, I'm one phone call away." Anne kisses my head and caresses my cheek softly.

  
"Congratulations, love. You have a baby." She smiles softly at Harry before hugging him.  
"Thanks, Mum." He says.

  
"Sadly, I can't dote on her much longer. I have a flight to catch back home tonight. I just wanted to see you guys and her up close." Gemma says as she kisses both me and Harry. "I'll see you guys soon, I hope."

  
The rest of the morning goes by in a blur. When I wake up again, my parents and Austin are here again.

  
We all have lunch together upon their sweet comments on how she's perfect and how happy they are.

  
After lunch, Abigail shows up to see me.

  
"Tay, she's so beautiful." She says as she looks down at Hayden. "I can't believe it. You made a baby." She smiles up at me and I see tears in her eyes.

  
"I made a baby." I repeat grinning.

  
"How are you even feeling? Have you managed to believe the whole thing yet?"

  
"Not at all." I chuckle. "Still feels like a dream."

  
"I can only imagine."

  
"Tay, I think I'm gonna head home to shower for a minute. I'll get a ride from your parents." Harry says.

  
"Sure."

  
"Do you want anything from home?"

  
"My rubber flip-flops, please. These slippers always feel like I'm going to slip right off of them in my socks." I say and he nods.

  
"Abigail, I'm gonna head back to the house to shower. Would you mind keeping Tay company until I come back?" Harry asks.

  
"Absolutely. Go ahead." She smiles.

  
"Thanks."

  
"Bye, honey. We'll see you soon when you get home." My dad says and I nod.

  
After they're gone, it's just Abigail, me, and Hayden.

  
"How are you feeling?" She asks.

  
"Like I'm walking on sunshine." I say. "But also, kinda sore." I scrunch up my nose as a sudden need to adjust my kinda sideways position to ease the pressure off of my private parts makes the predicament all the more noticeable.

  
"Yeah. That sounds about right." She says as she makes clicking sounds to get the baby's attention in her arms.

  
"Is she super calm?" Abigail asks and as if on cue, Hayden, who's been awake for a little while now, starts to wail. "Oops. Guess not." She laughs.

  
"I don't really know yet. Like, she's got this super loud cry but she only cries when she's hungry, so maybe, yes. She's calm." I say after I manage to place her right to nurse.

  
"How does that feel?"

  
"Breastfeeding?" I ask and she nods. "Weird." I giggle. "Like my nipple hit the very back of her throat and it feels like she's trying to swallow it." Abigail scrunches her nose.

  
"Everyone says it's such a bonding time though." She says.

  
"It is. When I pay close attention to her it's like trying to memorize her little features and the little sounds she makes. It gets me so emotional. And the way her little hands cling to me and she sometimes looks up at me with these big round eyes of hers. It's different than anything else I've experienced in my life." I say and she nods. "But the mechanics of this is a bit weird for sure." We both laugh a bit.

  
The afternoon is filled with a high on adrenaline from the whole event of last night and Abigail's presence.

  
But once she's gone and Harry returns to keep me company, I crash down.

  
Hayden, whatsoever, had other plans once again. Having napped all day, she was wide awake now that it's evening and to her, being awake meant she wanted to nurse.

  
"Oh my god." I mumble. "My nipples are going to fall off." I tell Harry and he chuckles so I punch him lightly. "Don't laugh!" I whine and he kisses my face.

  
"Want me to call the nurse?" He asks.

  
"Yes, please."

  
She comes to my aid, but honestly, there's nothing that can be done. The kid will just have to learn and figure out when she's full. But before she does that, it's normal that she'll think she's hungry all the time.

  
The next morning, regretting deeply that I didn't nap the day before while the baby was napping, I take full advantage of her nappings throughout the day this time.

  
Without any visitors for the day except for Austin whom I asked to take some pictures of her, I nap throughout most of the day.

  
"Hi, there." Dr. Herman knocks on the door.

  
"Hi." I smile. "Come in." 

  
"How are you doing?" 

  
"Good. Just sore." I say. 

  
"Private parts?" 

  
"Yeah." I nod. "And my nipples feel like they're about to fall off." I sigh. 

  
"Yeah. That tends to happen on the first few days." She chuckles. "Quick exam. Ok?" 

  
"Sure." 

  
Upon examination, Dr. Herman concludes that I'm in good shape both physically and mentally. 

  
"Has the pediatrician discharged the baby?"

  
"Not yet. He's yet to come to check her today." 

  
"Okay. So, I'm discharging you pending pediatric's evaluation of the baby." 

  
"Okay." I smile and she leaves.

  
Dr. Charles, the hospital's pediatrician, concluded that Hayden too is doing okay, so by early evening, I'm sent home.

  
The first day of our lives together outside the bubble of the hospital has just begun.

  
On the way home, as I stare down at her, I marvel again at just how pretty and perfect she actually is.

  
"Aren't you the cutest baby ever?" I say to her big eyes. "My perfect sweet baby girl."


	45. New Normal

When Austin drops us off at home, I can already smell the food all the way from the door.

When I walk in though, everything is dark.

There's a note on my kitchen counter.

_"Dear Taylor and Harry._

_Andrea and I (Anne) cooked you dinner._

_Get some much needed rest and bond a thousand times over with your little sweet girl._

_We'll come back tomorrow when you're ready._

_We love you guys._

_Love,_

_Moms and dads."_

"Aww. That's so sweet." I say looking over at Harry after reading the note out loud.

"It is." Harry agrees. "I'm so glad they're here. I'm exhausted." He laughs.

"Me too." I say.

"Wanna text your mom to ask her to come by in the morning though?"

"Sure, but why?"

"So she can get a bit of time with Hayden. Maybe help you with the first bath." I say nonchalantly.

"Help me?" He shrieks.

"I can't bathe her yet, babe." I say and he pales.

"Are you for real?"

"Yeah."

"Damn." He whispers.

"You don't think it'd be like that, but it do." I laugh and he does too.

I pick up Hayden to give her a grand tour of her new home.

"Welcome home sweet girl. Isn't it exciting?" I coo at her.

By the time the tour has ended, Harry, who could only shower at home rather than sharing my bathroom in the hospital, has finished showering.

I change into more comfortable clothes as we place Hayden in her little portable bassinet on top of the counter so we can eat dinner and watch her.

"Are you terrified too?" I ask quietly as we watch her sleep later that night.

"Yeah. Kinda." He says as he looks up at me while we stand by the little crib we have for her in our room.

She sleeps peacefully, but I'm still terrified.

"What if she wakes up and I don't?" I say and he comes behind me to hold me.

"You'll wake up, baby. Or I will." He says gently.

"I don't wanna leave her alone. What if she's scared?" I ask.

"She's not alone though. We're right there." He points back in the direction of our bed.

"Yeah, but she was inside me this whole time, then she had a whole team watching over her at the hospital and now it's just us and I don't want her to be alone." I say on the verge of tears.

"Do you want to pull the crib closer to the bed?" He asks as he places a kiss on my cheek.

"Yes, please." I say. "Is it stupid that I'm fretting over this?" I ask as I turn around in his arms to look at him.

"Not at all. It's motherly." He smiles as he kisses me.

He sets the crib closer to our bed and as I can watch her from my bed, I feel calm enough to fall asleep. 

Make no mistake, though. The first night is quite a hassle.

Both Harry and I are awake most of the night.

Turns out, Hayden is still getting the hang of things, including time.

She keeps waking up every hour to nurse then going back to sleep within minutes of starting only to wake up in another hour.

When the first rays of sunshine come, I have bloodshot eyes and Harry passed out not 20 minutes before only to be rudely awoken by the sun streaming light into his face through the blinds we forgot to close.

"Jesus. It's morning already?" He asks and I nod.

"It is. I'm so tired." I say laying back down in his arms as he holds me loosely.

Just before we drift into sleep, a text. Then another. Then another. Then a call.

"No..." I whine as I sit up to look at it. "It's your mom. She's here. Go open the door." I mumble as I lay back down.

"No... Why so early?" He says.

"Your mom. Your issue." I grumble. "Go open the door. I told her I was sending you down." I say and he grumpily gets up.

When I wake up again, Hayden is crying again so, for what feels like the millionth time, I feed her.

By the time I'm done, there's a knock on the door.

"Come in."

"Hi. Good morning." Anne smiles. "Heard crying. Thought you'd be awake."

"She's been waking us up a lot." I tell her smiling.

"I could see that. Harry's passed out on the couch." She chuckles.

"Come in. Come take a good look." I invite as she's still standing by the door. "Do you wanna hold her?" I ask and she nods excitedly.

"God. I still can't believe this brand new person is my son's daughter." She marvels.

"Tell me about it." I chuckle. "Do you think you can keep her while I go brush my teeth?" I ask.

"Sure, chicken. Go on." She says and I go into the bathroom calmly to have some morning routine of my own.

I realize for the first time it's not as early as we thought. It's 9:48 am. My mom is set to come by at 11 am.

"Anne?" I ask when I return to find her gently placing Hayden back in her little crib.

"Hm?"

"I was wondering..." Suddenly I feel weird about asking if she hasn't offered.

"What, honey?"

"Nevermind. It's silly."

"It's okay, chicken. Whatever you need."

"I just thought... Maybe if you could help Harry to give her the first bath today? I mean, I could have my mom just do it, but I wanted to include you in her life and let her know you before you head back home and I also wanted Harry to be comfortable in bathing her so I thought that he should have his mom help rather than mine. I think he'd be cool with my mom too but maybe, you should do it with him and that's why I asked him to text you last night and I'm gonna stop talking now because I'm rambling." I breathe heavily.

"Oh, love. I'd be honored." She chuckles. "Thank you for allowing me to be here."

"No. Thank you for coming." I say and she kisses my cheek.

"Let me know when you want me to help bathe her." I nod.

I text some with my family and Abigail before I feel like having some breakfast.

After that, Anne and Harry bath Hayden together and it's the sweetest thing ever to watch.

How she seems instantly calm by Harry's presence and touch and keeps looking around for Harry's voice when he softly talks to her.

He changes her calmly into a pink onesie with white pants and a blush pink overall with white socks and gloves.

"Aren't you the cutest little girl ever?" Harry coos at her. "You are. You're the cutest." He smiles and suddenly she lets out a loud cry. "Oh. What is it?" He asks her and I sigh. 

"She's hungry again." I say. "Triggered my reflex." I whine and he chuckles.

I let her nurse again and she calms down quickly before settling down. After a good amount of feeding, she falls asleep. 

After that, my mom arrives with Abigail.

It's a bit chaotic if I'm being honest.

There's just so much conversation but Harry is passed out and I'm exhausted and Hayden is tired too from waking all the time during the night.

"Want me to get going?" Abigail asks as she lays in bed with me.

"No. I'm so glad you're here."

"You should get some sleep." She says.

"I don't think I can." I mumble.

"Want me to run you a bath?" She asks.

"She'll be awake soon." I sigh.

"I'll bring her to you if she wakes up."

"Maybe not a bath though." I say and she nods.

"Go on then. Go get a shower and come back here to sleep some."

"You're an angel." I smile.

A few minutes after I go shower, I hear Hayden's cries and Abigail's soft hums.

Surprisingly enough, she actually managed to calm Hayden down.

I guess this is my new normal. 5 minutes showers and sleep deprivation. 

The next day, I get news that I would rather not have heard. 

"Kim said in an interview that Kanye called and you approved of the song. She's painting you as the bag guy." Tree says. 

"Kay. But how are things looking?"

"Not good." She sighs. "She said she recorded the whole conversation." 

"Forget that it's illegal. That proves nothing. I did not approve of this. Also, he called me for endorsement, not approval." 

"People are looking for reasons, I'm afraid." 

"For what?" 

"Hating you." 

"Look no further, I guess." I sigh. "How bad is it?" 

"Not too bad. But she's planning something so watch out for it." 

"Okay." I sigh.

I'm exhausted.

But you see, I didn't know what sleep deprivation was until on day 6 after birth, while I was getting ready to leave for Hayden's first appointment, my milk actually soaked through the pads and bra and spotted my shirt. FOR THE THIRD TIME!

"What's wrong?" Harry asked as he came out of the bathroom after hearing my sob.

I can't tell him yet. I just sob for a good five minutes while sitting shirtless on the bed.

He comes to hold me and I push him away.

"Love, what happened?" He quickly glances over his shoulder to the baby and I quickly catch his motion.

"She's fine." I state still crying.

"What's wrong then?" I sob harder than before and he doesn't seem to know what to do.

I look up into his eyes for a good few seconds before I lay my head gently on his shoulder.

Slowly, I feel his hands start rubbing my back as I start to calm down.

"I know this is a whole situation, love. But you need to tell me what's wrong so I can help you. Otherwise, we're going to be late for her appointment." He says calmly.

"This is the third shirt I changed today. I don't have any more nice clean bras. Just the ugly ones that hurt my boobs. I have no more pads either and milk just keeps soaking right through and I am so tired I could fall asleep standing." I wail. 

"Shhhh. It's okay. You're okay. I know you're tired. We'll work this out. I promise. When we get back I'll throw in your laundry, love. You can take a nap and I'll keep the baby so you can get some rest." He says.

"You don't have boobs." I wail again.

"I know, love. I know. We'll work through this." He says as he holds me to his side.

Not 20 seconds later, Hayden's soft sounds fill up the room and the milk she's now craving starts to leak down my stomach.

The way that I throw my head back crying surely resembles a toddler, but at this point, as deprived as I am from proper rest, it's not like I care.

Is this really my new normal?

We make it to the clinic to meet Dr. Wilson for Hayden's first appointment.

"Hey there. How are you all doing?" She asks as we enter the office.

"Good." Harry and I say.

"So, this is the first appointment ever. Right? Little miss sunshine is now what? 6 days old?" I nod.

"So I'm not gonna lie. Today is going to be exhausting. There will be a lot of questions I'll need to ask. Lots of paperwork to fill out. But the good news is, with your baby herself it'll be fairly quick." She smiles and we nod. "So, let's start with proper paperwork. Shall we?"

"Sure." I say nervously.

"State her name please."

"Hayden Nicole Styles." I say.

"Date of birth and time."

"June the 13th. At 11:31 pm."

"Any complications during childbirth?"

"None."

"How long were you in labor?"

"My water broke at around 1:15 in the afternoon. But my contractions started about two or three hours after that."

"Great timing. You got rather lucky." She smiled and I did too. "Any complications during pregnancy?"

"Yeah. My placenta started to detach itself from the wall when I was 31 weeks pregnant. I had a procedure done to apply hemostatics and had a stitch to my cervix to prevent it from dilating further."

"Okay. Were there any more bleedings afterward?"

"None. But I caught an infection at 35 weeks too. It gave us a scare for early birth but we managed it with my doctor and it was fine too."

"Okay. Anything else?"

"No."

"What was your baby's Apgar?"

"All 2." Harry said.

"Cool. Great. Did either mom or baby need any oxygen support during or after labor?"

"No."

"Did you get skin to skin contact soon after birth?"

"Yes."

"Did she latch on okay on the first try?"

"Yes. The others though. Trial and error." I say and she smiles.

"To be expected. Is she sleeping okay?"

"I don't really know what to expect, so I kinda don't know?"

"She should be napping all the time and only waking up to be fed. Is that what's happening?"

"Well, yeah. But like, crazy hours."

"That should be expected too. We'll get right on to that soon."

"How many wet diapers do you get in 24 hours?"

"No less than 8 and so far, no more than 10."

"How many dirty ones?"

"About 4."

"She's feeding well then." She says. "How's the feeding process? Are you breastfeeding?"

"Yeah."

"How is she taking it?"

"During the day she sleeps more so she feeds less. But at night she wakes up to nurse every hour. Like no break. From 11 pm to 7 am she feeds hourly. Is there something wrong?"

"Most babies normally keep a night routine due to the fact that, while in the womb, they got to be lulled into sleep by your day to day movements while at night, they'd be more active since you'd be asleep and therefore, no movement. It's a time of transition for her now. But she shouldn't be feeding hourly. There's a chance she's not latching on properly at night or she's not getting the amount she needs." Dr. Wilson says.

"How do I know it?"

"Tell me how that goes. She wakes up every hour, then what? Do you feed her the same way you feed her during the day?"

"Yeah."

"Same position?"

"Yes."

"Same time?"

"She generally feeds less during nighttime. Like, only about 20 minutes at a time."

"What's her normal range?"

"50 minutes. Maybe a bit more if she sleeps longer during the day."

"Okay." She says. "Seems to me she's not getting the amount she needs. She's likely falling asleep while feeding. Is that it?"

"Yeah. She falls asleep somewhere over 15 minutes and by 20, she lets go."

"Here's what you're going to do. You're gonna wake her up if she falls asleep before her regular range of feeding. But before she falls asleep, do everything you can to prevent her from falling asleep. Like gently rub her cheeks, gently move in your position, click your tongue if you have to."

"Okay."

"Are you keeping up with your own sleep?"

"I'm an artist and I tour a lot so I'm generally used to jetlag and sleep deprivation. But let me just tell you, in my life, I've never felt more sleep-deprived than I am right now. I'm exhausted."

"You need to start napping when she does." She warns.

"It's easier said than done. She seems to have a warning bell. If mommy's asleep, then she must wake up."

"It can absolutely feel this way. But here's the thing. Once you work out your schedule with her at night, it should make it a tad bit easier."

"Okay."

"But also, treat her reversed routine like jetlag. Keep the days busy and noisy and bright and the night quiet, calm, and dim. Sounds mean to not let her sleep quietly when she's tired during the day, I know. But that should help her switch her routine."

"Okay."

"You whatsoever, need to get to sleep asap. Severe sleep deprivation can cause a lot of trouble. Okay?" I nod. "Have you noticed anything wrong or weird about your baby?"

"No." I say. "Like what?" 

"Like weird movements with her limbs or eyes. Weird behaviors. Weird shape of any body parts. Anything." 

"No. None at all."

"Ok. Let's go do a physical exam."

After checking basically everything in her from head to toe, she deems her fit and healthy.

"Okay. Everything should be fine. She's back to her birth weight right now. 7.5 lbs. She's pretty ahead of schedule." She says. "Her reflexes are intact. She should be absolutely fine." 

After we work on all the insurance paperwork and contracts needed for the clinic, we make our way home.

Bob, one of my bodyguards awaits for us at the car because, honestly, I was scared Harry would fall asleep at the wheel.

The way he didn't protest when I said it was better if someone else drove us shows me he absolutely could fall asleep like that.

When we make it home, Harry makes good on his promise. He does all my underwear laundry and keeps the baby so I can get some sleep. Obviously, that couldn't last very long, but getting to sleep for 3 hours rather than the ragged 40 to 80 minutes I've been getting instead? Heaven.

"Hi, babe." Harry whispers to me as he kisses my nose. 

"Is she crying?" I mumble.

"Yeah." He grimaces. 

"I'll be right there." I say and he rubs my back. 

"Okay." He sighs. "Are you feeling okay?" 

"Yeah." I breathe deeply. "Feels like I slept for 6 hours at least." I smile. 

"You slept for 3 and a half." He smiles back at me.

"Thank you." I nuzzle his leg closest to my face. 

"I love you." He smiles. 

"Love you too."

Maybe the new normal won't be so bad after all.


	46. 4th of July - Bad Narrative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.  
> (No. I'm not dead. Lmao) 
> 
> My laptop is acting up. (Dear Dell, never again.) 
> 
> So here's a chapter from my phone because that's all I can do currently. 
> 
> (If anyone knows of an app that kinda works like grammarly but for android phones, please let me know? Otherwise, y'all are under the risk of getting more typos and mistakes in one chapter alone than in all of the previous chapters combined. 😬)
> 
> I just didn't want to leave you guys without an update so, here it goes.
> 
> Happy reading.

A couple of days later, Austin comes by bearing gifts for both the baby and us.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Open it. I made it with much care. I think you'll like it." He says grinning proudly. 

When I open the box, a photo album is inside. 

I thought it was a photo album for us to fill in but once I took it out of the box and opened it, I came face to face with the sweetest picture of my baby's face. 

"Oh my god." I squeel. "I thought this was for me to fill in." 

"That'd be a dumb present coming from me." He laughs. "These are the pictures I took from your pregnancy, your labor and your baby on this third photo album." He says. 

"Austin..." I say in wonder as I notice the other two photo albums. 

Each picture is just so carefully taken and so beautifully placed but also candid. Or most of them are. 

"When did you even get these?" I ask when I notice some pictures of me and Harry in the bathtub in my bathroom. 

"When mom told me to call you up for dinner while you were in labor." He says. 

"These are amazing." I say looking at the album still. "Thank you!" I say as I hug him tightly. 

"You're welcome, Taffy. I'm glad you like it." 

"Thank you, Austin. These are absolutely beautiful." Harry says as they shake hands and sort of hug too. 

"I'm glad you like it." He says. "Now where's little nugget? Wanna bite her cheeks a little before I have to go." He grins. "I bought her a present too." He grins giving me the little gift bag. 

"So much for being a tough guy, huh?" I laugh looking at the little Cubbie bear. 

"What? Can't just not spoil my baby niece rotten. That's literally my job." He laughs.

"You do that and when she's 2 and throws a massive tantrum over not getting all the toys she wants for Christmas, I'll send her for winter break with you." I laugh and he does too. "Thank you. This is so sweet." I smile and he does too. 

After over a week of having both my parents and Harry's at my house every other day to help me with her, routine slowly ensures itself into my house. 

But since it was never permanent, it is now time for Anne and Robin to head back to London. 

"Bye, chicken." She holds me tightly against her as she tears up. "Promise to nudge Harry to FaceTime me every once in a while so I can see that beautiful baby of yours?" 

"I promise." I say. 

"And will you come to visit soon?" 

"I'll try." 

"Okay." She says. "Take care. Love you."

"Love you too. Safe travels. Call us when you get home." I say and she gently nods. 

"Okay." 

"Bye, Taylor. I'll see you soon." Robin says as he too hugs me.

"See you soon." I smile hugging him back. "Thank you guys so much for all the help and all the love. We appreciate it so much." 

"It was nothing. Thank you for letting us be here." Anne says and Robin nods. 

"My pleasure." 

Harry drives them to the airport and after the plane takes off, he comes back home.

Slowly but surely, we're falling back into a routine of our own. 

When Harry returns somewhere before lunch, I'm up in the kitchen making said lunch while my mom keeps the baby some company. 

"Hi." He says as he plants a kiss to my cheeks. 

"Hi. Did they board okay?" 

"Yeah." He sighs as he sits down in one of the stools.

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah. Just a bit bummed they had to go. Kinda got used to having them near by." 

"I know what you mean." I say. "Lunch is almost ready. Go wash up so we can eat soon?" I tell him and he complies. 

After lunch, he stays behind to clean up the kitchen, my mom leaves for the day leaving the house clean and the new laundry done and a little dinner for the two of us. 

After a while, when the baby's asleep and honestly, I should be too, Harry comes back to find me on my phone. 

"What are you looking at?" He asks. 

"Just checking if our secret is still a secret." I tell him. 

"So, is it?" He lays down by my side. 

"Yeah." I say. "But I wanna tell." I say carefully. 

"Already?" 

"Well she's 10 days old. I want to start thinking of what to do when we do tell. It doesn't have to be today." I say. 

"Sure." He says. "Are we doing the social media posts or releasing a note through our publicists?" 

"Social media." I say. 

"Cool. I have some ideas for what I want to be the photo I'll use." 

"Me too." I say calmly as I put the phone down. 

He nuzzles his head on my side soon. 

"You smell nice." He says quietly. 

"Are you kidding me?" I giggle. 

"No. I'm serious. You smell milky. Very soothing and sleepy." He says as he nuzzles further into me and I smile. 

Within a few minutes he's fast asleep and following his lead, so am I. 

When I wake up again, the baby is cooing softly in his arms. 

"Is she okay?" 

"Yeah." He smiles. "Waiting for you to wake up. Right baby?" He looks at her. "Weren't we waiting for mommy?" He coos and she makes some sounds that makes me smile. 

The next day, June 24th as Hayden nurses quietly, Harry suggests we honor my passion for the number 13 and do the announcement when Hayden is 13 days old.

But before we can do anything, Tree calls me. 

"Hey. I was about to call you." I chuckle. 

"I'm pretty sure it can wait. I have bad news." She says. "I'm sorry to inform you, but a music video for the song 'famous' is out and he used a wax figure of you in it." 

"How bad is it?" 

"It's bad, Taylor." 

"Okay. But how bad?" 

"He used a naked wax figure of you. In bed next to his own naked figure." 

"Porn?" I screech startling Hayden and grabbing Harry's attention. "Sorry, baby. I'm sorry." I soothe her quickly before guiding her back to the breast. "Porn?" I say back into the phone as Harry stares at me anxiously.

"Basically. Yeah." She sighs. "It's bad." 

"Goddammit." I sigh. "What do I do now?" I say as a few tears run down my face.

"Make a statement or allow me to handle this for you." 

"No. I wanna do it." I say firmly. "He doesn't get to do that. He doesn't get to just fuck up my life whenever he pleases." 

"I know. But you should know that the damage is done. A statement might not do anything."

"Goddammit. Why can't he just leave me alone?" I cry. 

"I'm so sorry, Taylor. I gotta go. Call me if you need me." She says and hangs up and I throw my phone down at the foot of the bed. 

"What's wrong?" Harry asks. 

"Please, take Hayden. I don't feel so good." I cry and he quickly picks her up from my lap after I break her latch. 

"What's wrong?" He asks again and I shake my head crying. 

"Will you please call my mom?" I sob. 

"Sure, love." He places Hayden on her crib and picks up my phone since it's closer than his. "Will you tell me what's wrong?" 

"Kanye p-put a music video out." I sob. "A-and there's a n-naked wax figure o-of me in it." 

"Wait. What?" His facial expression changes immediately.

"Call m-m-my mom." I cry and he breathes in and out heavily in anger. 

"Tay?" I hear my mom over the speaker but I can't respond. 

"Andrea. Will you please come over. Kanye put out a nasty video and Taylor's really upset about it." 

"What's the video about?"

"I don't know yet. Could you come over, please?" He asks. 

"Yeah. I'll be there soon." She says. 

My stomach doesn't wait for my mom though. 

Before I can control it, all of its contents rush into my mouth in two quick waves and spread nastily all over my bed sheets.

I am beyond my own control now and I have literally no reaction to all the vomiting except for crying harder. 

"It's okay. I'll clean it up. You're okay." Harry says as he rubs my back. 

He was sitting at the foot of the bed. When did he get behind me? 

He picks me up and puts me down on a chair at the corner. 

Making quick work of the bed sheets and covers, he throws everything at the hamper and quickly makes the bed with a new set of sheets and covers. 

"Come on. I'll help you shower." He says as he kneels in front of me. 

"I want my mom." I whisper. 

"You wanna wait for her?" He asks and I nod. "You're covered in vomit, love. Maybe we can shower you and you can wait for her snuggled back into bed?"

He tries but I'm literally 12 days post partum. Am I in my regular state of mind in which I'd be rational about this and say 'yes, let's do that.'??? No. No, I'm not. So I shake my head instead. 

"I want my mom." I cry softly and he sighs. 

"I'll call her again." He says and I nod. 

My mom gets here pretty quickly and soon she's coaxing me into showering quickly. 

She sets up the shower but I sit on the bathtub instead. 

"You can't take baths yet, honey. Your stitches could get infected." She says and then it hits me. 

I'm post partum and this is too much. I have a baby to take care of. 

I stand up and she undresses me quickly. 

I shower quietly, skipping a hair wash knowing Hayden won't give me that much time since I didn't feed her properly. 

I come out and Harry is waiting for me in our bed. 

"Can you go get me a ginger ale? I feel nauseous but I think I can keep it down." I ask him quietly and he nods going down to the kitchen. 

My mom gets the hint and comes to help me get dressed in the nightgown Harry picked out for me. 

I get into bed and face Hayden's crib as she sleeps quietly into it, blissfully unaware of the entire situation going on around her. 

"Kanye used a naked wax figure of me in his video." I sniffle without looking at my mom. "He says I approved of the song and that I was well aware of the whole content of it, but I wasn't." 

"I know, honey. He's a horrible man." 

"He really did it this time." I cry softly. "Kicked me when I was already down." I say and she rubs my back. "What the hell am I gonna do?" 

"Right now? Nothing. You're heartbroken and sad and you just had a baby. You need to rest and keep focused on taking care of your baby. Okay? Don't let this get ahead of you." 

"I can't just ignore it."

"Let your team work this out for you." 

"It's gonna make me seem like a coward and he's gonna take advantage of that." 

"You can't go into war with him right now, honey." 

"The hell I can't." I huff. 

"You can't and you won't." Harry says and I cry softly. "That's a fucked up thing, sure. But you can't go out to war now. Let Tree handle this." 

"I'm making that statement." 

"Not today, you're not." 

"Harry-" 

"Not today." He says and I nod. "Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna cozy up with your mom and watch a movie or nap. Tomorrow you can start thinking about this. Okay?" 

"I can't just..." 

"I know." He sighs. "But today you're gonna try your best. Okay? You're entitled to your feelings about this. You get to be upset about it. But you need to focus on the fact that you just gave birth not 2 weeks ago. You need time. Okay?" He argues and I nod. 

"My head hurts." I cry. 

"I'll call doctor Herman and ask her about what to do." 

"Don't tell her about the video." I panic. "i don't want her to watch." 

"I have to, love. She has to know everything that's going on as this could affect your puerperium." 

"Maybe it won't." I plead. 

"I can't take any bets on it, love. But if it's any consolation, she doesn't strike me as the kind who would want to watch that." He shrugs. 

After a careful conversation with my doctors, Harry comes back with some tylenol for my headache and orders from my doctor to sleep, eat well and drink lots of water and call her back if I feel unstable emotionally.

Through Harry's guidance, I spend the day taking care of Hayden, writing in my journal and half watching movies half napping through them with my mom. 

The next morning, though both Harry and my parents caution me about it being a bad idea, I decide to make the statement myself but get talked down by Tree. 

She makes a statement instead. 

And the statement reads:

**"Kanye did not call for approval, but to ask Taylor to release his single ‘Famous’ on her Twitter account.She declined and cautioned him about releasing a song with such a strong misogynistic message.Taylor was never made aware of the actual lyric, “I made that bitch famous.""**

Instead of keeping up with the war though, I step back and focus on my family and new baby instead. 

Deciding that it's not a good time to release news of a new baby, Harry and I sit on our idea of what to post to announce Hayden's arrival. 

I'm exhausted.

Over the next few days, the central conversation in this household is the cancellation of my 4th of july party. 

"No." I state. "If anything, I need that party more than ever before, Harry. I need some joy. I need my name to get detached from that whole revenge porn debacle. This is a good idea."

"Honey, we have a baby. One that is less than a month old." He sighs. 

"That's why the list of people invited is so short." I huff. 

"Tay..." 

"Please?" 

"Honey, maybe hold off and do it next year. Your friends will understand." My mom interjects.

"Who knows what will be of next year, mom? I have to do it this year. I want to. I won't cook or anything. I'll just order catering services and that's that." 

"Honey, but a party can be extenuating for you and Hayden." 

"I can retreat to my room if it is. My friends will understand." 

"Harry?" My mom looks at him.

"Fine." He sighs rubbing his face and I grin. 

"Thank you." I kiss his cheek. 

"Guess we're having a 4th of July party." My mom laughs. 

Planning the party is kinda easy since I didn't have to do much. Catering services for food and a slide for the pool. Bought Hayden a blue and white strapped bodysuit and paired it with some red pants she already had and a blue pair of shoes. 

Put out some nice drinks and called up a few of my closest friends and told Harry he too could get a few guests. There. Easy and fun.

You know what is fun but not easy though? Having a baby. 

I'm not even aware I had closed my eyes while sitting down tucked into Harry's arms, let alone that I had slept for a good twenty minutes in a room full of people. 

Hayden's cries makes me snap my eyes open and I feel Harry's hand rub my back in circles. 

"It's okay. You're okay." He whispers. 

Everyone saw me fall asleep and if the voices they had when I woke up was any indication, they had lowered their voices to avoid waking me up, and when Hayden's cries brought me back to consciousness, no one laughed. Not even a small chuckle. They all just looked damn happy and proud of me. Amidst everything I had been going through, I couldn't be more glad for having found a good group of friends. 

I excuse myself quickly and head back to my bedroom to feed Hayden, leaving my friends and family behind at the dining room.

"Did you just fall asleep at your own party?" Abigail asks as she pops her head into my room after a while of me having taken Hayden back to nurse. She isn't making fun of me though. She's getting to a point.

"'S not a party." I mumble. 

"Get together. I know. But girl... I told you you should have skipped it." She says. 

"I'm fine." I tell her.

"You should've skipped this." She chastises. "Your baby is not even a month old, Tay. You're tired and stressed and adapting to a new routine and you decided it was a good idea to add more stress to that." 

"I wanted something to cheer me up, Abby. I needed it." I say and she nods. 

"Fair enough, I guess." She nods. "No late night games though. I'm gonna let everyone know that I'm in charge of this party now and everyone goes home early tonight to allow you and your family some rest." 

"Abigail-"

"I'm just... I'm looking out for you. Okay?" 

"Fine. Okay." I nod. 

Having our friends over kind of put an end to their endless wait to meet the baby for the first time and sort of got the whole thing out of the way almost at once. 

Hayden seemed to thrive under the attention of the newest people in her life and got plenty of arms to lull her into sleep and to hold her throughout the day. 

Later in the day, Harry finds me outside under the shadow of two huge sun umbrellas. 

"Wanna go in the pool a bit?" He asks me.

"No. You go. Have fun." I say. 

"But I kinda wanted to have fun with you." He says as he plants a kiss on my cheek. 

"I know but it's such a hassle, babe." I say. 

"Just for a little while. Then you can change and not go in again." He says. 

"Maybe later. She'll be hungry again soon." 

"Okay." He says. 

I retreat to my bedroom again soon afterwards to feed Hayden and put her down to sleep.

I put her in her room and watch her for a little bit being joined by Harry as he comes looking for me. 

"You promised to go in the pool with me a little." He smirks and I scrunch up my nose. "You promised." He reminds me and I laugh. "Come on. Let's get you into some bathing suit and let's go have fun. Blake said she'll watch Hayden for a bit." He tugs at my hand and we walk back to our bedroom. 

When i don't move to get myself a bathing suit, he kisses me and quickly bites my lip. 

"I'll bite you again if you don't move." He smirks. 

"Harr-" He bites me again. 

"Go." He smirks and bites me again before i can move. 

"Fine." I chuckle. "Go kiss your daughter a bit while I find myself a bathing suit."

Taking the hint that i want a minute, he kisses me gently and grins before leaving me alone. 

I make quick work of changing into a bathing suit (that covers my body more than the previous years) before Harry can come looking for me again. 

Keeping my word, I do go into the pool with him for a bit while Blake keep a close eye on Hayden. 

I even manage a couple of runs on the slide. 

After a half hour of fun in the water, I head inside to shower and change before tending to one "Ms. screaming the house down" again. 

It was fun. Hard to keep up at times, but fun. 

Celebrating Hayden's very first 4th of July could not have been skipped so I didn't.

We decide to announce Hayden's existence when she's 31 days old instead. 

31 is a 13 backwards, so that counts, right? 

So on July 14, we call up our publicists and get advice on the caption we had written beforehand. 

"I think it's great." Tree says about Harry's caption agreeing with Lauren. "Simple and effective. No room for interpretation other than the one explicit in there." She says and he nods. "The picture is good too."

He chose a picture he had taken two days ago. A candid of me holding Hayden to my shoulder while I'm looking at her face to check her after feeding her.

Her beautiful bundle of hair is showing but her face is hidden against me. It's a beautiful picture of us getting our late afternoon sunbath. 

"I think yours is great too. Effective. There's no questioning what you meant. But you went into much more details on your feelings about this than he did." Tree says. 

"Is that bad?" 

"Not necessarily. Just that it can create a narrative you don't want to talk about yet." She says. "You're already dealing with overexposure with the whole Kanye video. Keep in mind your goal here is to communicate and fill your fans in, but it's also to appease the world and devalue any pictures of your baby or any secret spilling. Maybe cut back a bit on pregnancy details and just break the news." She says. 

"Okay." 

After cutting back one entire paragraph about being pregnant, I get the go ahead from her.

I choose a picture from Harry and I holding Hayden's feet between out palms. Tree thinks it's a good picture. Not too much exposure but just the right amount of it to make it into a happy moment. 

We make up the posts on our Instagram accounts, count backwards from three and hit publish. 

Within seconds, we like each other's post and close the app. 

I squeal in a rush of adrenaline and Harry places a kiss on my cheek. 

"It's done." He hugs me and I nod. 

"It's done." I repeat. 

Later that night, I'm dying to know what people are saying about it but Harry and I made a deal to not go back in to check until the whole buzz dies down. 

Our reports from our publicists say we are getting mostly love all over. 

A couple mean headlines but mostly cool. 

At least the secret is all out. We can finally breathe again. 

After telling people and being able to just relax, I realize just how exhausting it is to keep a secret.

3 days after we post the announcement of our baby, the newest sucker punch comes.

Kim releases a video recording, heavily edited, of the conversation I had with kanye over the song Famous. 

"What the actual fuck? Are they EVER going to leave me the fuck alone?" I scream as Harry holds me. 

"I'm sorry, baby." 

"I can't..." I cry. "They're just so... It's infuriating. He didn't call me for approval, Harry. He called me for promotion. He wanted me to post his goddamn song on my twitter account and I said no. I didn't approve of the whole song. He never played it to me." 

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry this is happening to you." He sighs. "I can't begin to describe how excruciating it is go watch this whole shit storm unfold over you." 

"I just want peace." I cry. 

"I know." 

"I didn't know he was gonna do that." 

"I know." 

This time, I make the statement.

I want it to look emotionless so that they don't get the satisfaction of knowing how much they hurt me and riled me up, but at this point, there isn't much I can do anyways.

**"Where is the video of Kanye telling me he was going to call me ‘that bitch’ in his song? It doesn’t exist because it never happened. You don’t get to control someone’s emotional response to being called ‘that bitch’ in front of the entire world. Of course I wanted to like the song. I wanted to believe Kanye when he told me that I would love the song. I wanted us to have a friendly relationship. He promised to play the song for me, but he never did. While I wanted to be supportive of Kanye on the phone call, you cannot ‘approve’ a song you haven’t heard. Being falsely painted as a liar when I was never given the full story or played any part of the song is character assassination. I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of, since 2009.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An unfriendly reminder that if you stan Kanye, fuck you.  
> If you stan Kim, fuck you too. 
> 
> And if you support the orange sponge currently raising havoc on the US, ALSO FUCK YOU. 
> 
> (I'm not from the US, but this is beyond local political issues.  
> White supremacists literally getting no shit whatsoever for storming up a supposedly secure government building that hadn't been evacuated since 9/11 in contrast to black people getting shot on the streets just a couple months ago literally for saying "Yo. Stop killing us" while they PEACEFULLY PROTESTED????? Too much for me.)
> 
> So if you support that gigantic fucked up shit, GO FUCK YOURSELF. 
> 
> Now, if none of those apply to you, then I love you. Carry on. ☺️


	47. Third first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys...   
> Here's another chapter of this crazy ride...  
> Hope you like it.   
> Happy reading. :)

"She's calling me a snake." I cry to Harry as he hugs me. 

"Is there a way to take legal action?" 

"Not really. She didn't name drop me. She just hinted beyond a reasonable doubt." 

"What can be done at this point?" 

"I don't know." I sob into his arms. 

The constant crying, the defeated posture, the sadness, the wishes to never have made it lingers on me for days on end after that. 

"Honey, it'll be okay." My mom says one morning as she comes to help with Hayden. 

"Mom, "Taylor Swift is over party" is trending worldwide. Do you know how many people have to hate you for that to happen?" I cry quietly. "It gets pretty loud sometimes." 

"I know, sweetheart." 

"I'm not going to survive this, mom." 

"You will, honey. I promise. You will." 

"How?"

"By being who you are, baby." 

"I don't know who I am anymore." I whisper. 

"It's okay. You have your family and your friends and your boyfriend and your baby... You'll figure it out and we'll be with you every step of the way." She kisses my hair and I cry quietly. "You'll be okay." 

The day progresses quietly and my mood doesn't improve one bit if I'm being honest. 

Quite the contrary, actually. 

Over the next few days, it was all downhill.

"I just wish I could disappear." I whisper to Harry late one night after a particularly rough day after seeing so many snake emojis being used on the comment sessions of every single social media related to me. 

"Because of Kanye and Kim?" He asks. 

"Because of the world." I tell him. "Have you seen the headlines lately? All the things they've been saying about me?" 

"Not really." He says simply.

"Harry..."

"I'm not particularly concerned about other people's opinions of my girlfriend. I know you and for me, that's enough. I love you and that's not going to change over this." He says and I sob.

"But they hate me and they're calling me a snake and saying horrible things about me." 

"I know. But it won't last forever. It's just a storm." 

"I'm not going to survive this." 

"You will, love. And I'll be right by your side." He says and I break down. 

"It'll destroy me." I wail. 

"It won't. It might break bits and pieces of your career and it'll change you, but it won't destroy YOU." He says. "You'll come out different on the other side, but you'll be okay. We'll go through it together." 

"D-do you think i-it'll blow over?" I sob. 

"I don't know, baby. But the only way out of this storm is through it." 

"I don't k-know if I know how t-to live outside o-of that." 

"Of what, darling?" 

"T-the world of glass I've been l-living in." 

"You can. I reckon it'll just be quite hard." He says and I nod.

"Hold me?" 

"Always." 

And hold me he does for a long time after that. 

Sleep doesn't claim me easily these days and when I feel even remotely tired enough to go to sleep, the baby needs me and then sleep gets postponed again and again and again.

"This summer is the apocalypse." I write in my journal one day. 

Long days and nights of rage, sorrow, mourning, and defeat go by but in those days, there's always a constant: My inner circle. 

The people who won't leave me through all this. My family, Harry, my friends, my team, and especially, quite a good portion of my fans. 

I don't really know how I'm going to survive this but eventually, I assume things will settle. 

I'm not sure what will come of this in the end, but what i now start to realize is that whatever happens, I've got a family who loves me and friends willing to go through hell to stay by my side so the only way I can handle this is by moving forward. 

Weeks go by before I start to function even remotely normal again.

Countless tears have been shed in the process, though.

"So you've healed nicely." Dr. Herman says after examining me when the day for my 6 weeks postpartum appointment comes. "How's life as a new mom?" She asks.

"Great. She's such a delight." I say smiling.

"You seem to be in good spirits even after everything." She says cautiously.

"I am. I think we've gotten the hang of it with her. Everything else? I'm doing my best to work through stuff without letting it consume me."

"Good. Good. Always remember though. You don't have to be alone. You don't have to handle every single thing that happens to you. Delegate. Ask for help. Take the passenger seat sometimes." She says and I nod.

"I'm trying." I say and she nods. 

"That's all any of us can do, right? Try." She says and I nod. "Are you sleeping okay?" 

"Not a lot, no. But I'm getting by." 

"Try to sleep as much as you can. Exhaustion can cause a whole bunch of issues. We don't want that." 

"Okay." 

"How are your eating habits going? You dropped a lot of your baby weight already." 

"I think I'm eating okay." I say and she nods. "I'm avoiding exerting too much control on that except to avoid things that are bad for my health or things the pediatrician said can harm my baby."

"Good. That's very good. How's your relationship with the baby?" 

"Good. I think she's currently one of my only sources of joy, to be honest." 

"That's okay for now. But watch it, okay? Ask for help if your emotions are overwhelming or if you think you need it." 

"Okay." 

"You have reason to be sad and angry and everything else you might be feeling. But you're also a new mom so the normal hormonal imbalance new moms experience after childbirth puts you at risk for postpartum depression, puerperal psychosis, anxiety and so many other disturbs of the mind. So I'm just looking out for you." 

"I know." 

"A word of advice?" 

"Sure." 

"Block it out. Let it resolve itself and focus on your family and baby more. Enjoy your family, friends, and especially your relationship and baby and block everything else for a while." 

"I'm not sure I can do that." I say just above a whisper. 

"And that's okay. But try. And ask for help if you can't handle everything."

"Okay." I nod as I hold back the tears. 

"You're gonna be okay. You're an incredible person and you've got an amazing support system." She squeezes my hand lightly over the table and smiles. "Let's talk about your baby though." She says and I nod rapidly, desperate for a change of subject. 

There's only so much I can hold back. 

"Is she sleeping well? Feeding well?" She asks. 

"Yeah. We had some trouble at first. She was nursing too much at night. Every hour. Drove me insane. I learned that she just wasn't taking up the amount she needed, so I needed to prevent her from falling asleep before she could complete her round or wake her up in case she did fall asleep. That actually helped a lot both with her nursing and her sleeping schedule." I say.

"Amazing." She smiles at me. "Everything is good then?"

"Yeah." I tell her.

"Is she healthy?" 

"Yeah. By her first appointment, she had already gone back to her birth weight and was doing very good overall." I say proudly.

"Awesome. I'm so glad." She smiles. 

"Do you have help with her?"

"Yeah. Both my parents and Harry. And Harry's parents were here too but they've gone back to London now." 

"Good." She nods. "So rest a lot. Drink lots and lots of water. No skipping meals."

"Okay."

"Everything is definitely healed in there. You're officially off the puerperium phase." She smiles.

After talking about the baby, my body, my weight loss (over half of all the weight I had gained was already gone at this point), emotional struggles, and contraceptive methods, I head back home.

Days pass us by and one particular night, after some time playing with Hayden, who's much more alert now that she's a bit over 6 weeks old, and a quiet evening having dinner, we manage to put her to bed rather early.

"Do you think she'll be cool on her own?" I ask Harry since we decided to move her back to her bedroom for a few hours so we can start to train her to sleep okay alone and to grant ourselves the chance to be baby-free for a few hours every day. 

"Hayden? I'm sure. You? Not so much." He teases and I slap him. "She'll be fine, love. It's just a couple of hours." He kisses my cheek.

We close her bedroom door and check the baby monitor again to make sure it really is working.

Once I'm satisfied, we head back to our room.

We play UNO a few times and a round of Scrabble before the monitor alerts us that she's awake again.

Harry goes in to change her and she falls right back into sleep.

The next time she wakes up though, she's hungry.

It's somewhere around 11 pm and she's now packing up for most of the night so she takes a good supply.

By midnight, while Harry is playing a game on his phone while he waits for me, I put her to bed in her little crib in our room to sleep for the night.

"It's been a while. Do you think we should check what's up with our big reveal post?" He asks after Hayden is settled in.

"I'm kinda scared of that." I almost whisper and he looks at me. "What if they're all snake comments too?" 

"Do you think they'd do that? It's a baby picture." He says. 

"I don't know what they would or wouldn't do." I look down. "I kinda don't want to find out." 

"Yeah." He says quietly as he pulls me in for a hug. "I hate the way they beat you down." He whispers and I sigh. "They beat the joy of being who you are online right out of you. I won't ever forgive them for it." 

"I don't think they'll ever forgive me either so what's the use anyway?" 

"Maybe you should check a different social media. Like Tumblr or something?" 

"Okay." I say.

As I lay my head in his chest, we both go through some of the reactions to our announcement.

I read some of mine from Tumblr out loud for him.

"Omfg. Taylor has a baby????? I'm crying. Nobody touch me."

"My baby has a baby now. They grow up so fast. Tayyyyy I love you."

"Ahshajgfghshghsf everyone shut up. We have a baby in this fandom now."

"Okay. I'll need 3-5 business days to process the fact that TAYLOR HAS A BABY. Do not touch me or look at me until then." 

"Holy mother of god. Tayyyyy hassss a babbyyy!!!!! What's the baby's name though? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Those are rather funny." Harry says as he chuckles at every one of them. 

"No one is calling me a snake here." I say and he nods. 

"And no one is calling you a snake there. Finally, someone with common sense." He chuckles. "Mine is mostly composed of emojis. Like this one. 13 hearts, 1 baby, 1 couple and another 13 hearts." He laughs.

"That's sweet too though."

"Should we let them know more though?" He asks.

"I don't know. Should we?"

"Don't know." He shrugs.

"I'll print screen these out. Maybe tomorrow we can talk a bit more about it. I'm rather tired tonight."

"Yeah. Okay."

When morning comes and upon talking to our publicists, we decide to let more details out.

Under the risk of riling the world up even more and fueling the fire of hating me even more, we decide together that devaluing information on our baby and therefore decreasing the chances of unwanted gossip surrounding her is more important so we pack it up and decide to put it out there. 

We each choose another picture and we make a new post with it.

Harry's is a picture of his fingers being gripped by her little hand while she's in my arms nursing. Doesn't show her face though nor much of me. Mostly centered around their hands.

"It doesn't get much better than this. My everything. Baby Hayden Nicole. Love you."

Was his caption for his photo.

Mine is one of me holding her while she faceplants my chest and grips my shirt like she's holding on for dear life. Doesn't show her face while it shows just the profile of mine looking down at her little face.

"Oh. To be a baby and to be in love. It really doesn't get much better than this. Baby Hayden Nicole. 6 weeks of the purest love."

We hit publish and shut down the app once again.

We don't want to stick around for the immediate aftermath.

"Can you even believe we're someone's parents?" He asks.

"Not at all. Like a year ago we were having secret moments in hotel rooms and now..." I trail off. "I kinda miss it."

"What? Secret moments?"

"Well. Yeah. The simplicity of it too. Or maybe I just miss you." I suggest as I look up at him through my lashes.

"What do you even mean-" he cuts himself off. "Nevermind. Loud and clear." He chuckles.

"I don't really know how to approach it though." I tell him.

"Okay. We could just... Go for it." He says as his arms encircle me.

"I'm kinda nervous though." He kisses my neck. "But we've been apart long enough." I say.

"What do you mean? Do you miss me or are you just scared I'm gonna grow impatient?" His tone changes and I sigh in his arms.

"It's not that-" I start before he interrupts.

"It damn well sounded like it was exactly that."

"Can I please explain?"

"I would never cheat on you if that's what you're worried about." He says. He's not yelling but his tone is serious and hard.

"It's not what I meant. I know you'd never do that."

"What? Are you scared I'll leave you?"

"Harry..."

"I don't know what else to do to make you believe I'm here to stay."

"Harry!" I state firmly. "If you'd let me talk, you'd know that's not what I meant." I huff.

"What is it then?" He softens once he catches a glimpse of my gleaming eyes.

"I shouldn't have brought this up." I sigh as my eyes tear up. Damn me and my hormones. Can't even be frustrated in peace these days.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come at you like that." He says. "Will you tell me what you had in mind please?" I wipe my tears out pouting. "Please?" He asks again.

"Fine. I just meant that I miss you as my boyfriend, not my roommate so I want to have sex with you but I'm not yet sure how that's gonna go but I think that we've been apart long enough that we should start talking about this. I didn't mean it as a display of my fears and insecurities. Not that I don't have them but I'm working on letting them go. I just meant... Just that I miss you and I miss the bond we normally have after sex and I miss having time alone too. I miss being yours." I say.

"Well... Now that's a way to make me feel like the worst human being ever." He chuckles. "I jumped the gun and I'm so sorry." He says kissing my cheek.

"You really did." I punch him lightly and he squeezes me lightly.

"I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." He places a gentle kiss on my lips. 

The fire in his eyes long gone at this point. This is just us sharing sweet moments rather than any lustful ones.

Not too long afterwards, the baby's cries come in through the monitor, and long gone is the actual time to talk about it. 

A few days after that we're laying in bed early at night. Having just put Hayden down in her own crib, it's the perfect time for us to talk things through. 

"What's on your mind?" He asks as I lay on my side facing him but not looking into his eyes."

"Nothing." I say.

"Come on. You look like you've planned a whole heist with those eyes." He grins.

"Maybe I did." I say nonchalantly and he chuckles.

"Come on. Talk to me." He whispers after a moment while placing small kisses on my face.

"I just... I miss you. Like, a lot."

"O-kay" he says gently. "But?"

"But nothing. I just miss you like that. I miss... I miss the moments we used to share in our dark rooms."

"Okay. We can definitely do that. But I'm sensing something else here."

"I want that but... I don't look the same anymore." I whisper as I hide my face in his chest.

"And you think that matters?" It's a real question rather than a rhetorical one so I answer.

"Well, yeah."

"To whom?"

"Me. Mostly. And maybe to you too?" I say.

"It doesn't. Not to me. I think you're beautiful in any form or shape. I'd love you regardless of how your body looked."

"I feel weird."

"Is that why I haven't seen you naked basically since we came home from the hospital?" I slowly nod. "What can I do?" I shrug. "Do you want me to undress you right now?" I shake my head. "Do you want me to just hold you for a while and we can figure this out later?" He asks. Hesitantly, I nod. "Okay."

He holds me in place and his hands gently rub my back up and down and I finally let out a strangled sob.

"We'll get through this too. Okay?" He says and I nod. "There's a whole lot going on right now but we'll get through it and it'll be okay." 

"W-what if it's not?" 

"I'm one hundred percent sure it'll be okay." He says and I nod again. 

"With e-everything?" 

"With everything, babe." He places a gentle kiss on my hair as I start to calm down. 

"When you're ready, we'll run our hands over each other and I'll worship your body until you believe me that no matter what, you'll always be beautiful in my eyes and I'll never stop loving you." He says and I hiccup. "I love you."

"Do you promise?" I ask after a while.

"I promise."

It takes another week before I'm even slightly thinking about this again.

As Harry and I lay in bed in the early evening after dinner, we share rather gentle touches and tender kisses. 

With him half on top of me, we kiss calmly like there's nothing else in the world and we only part when we need air.

His hands remaining glued to my hips rather than roaming my body is actually reassuring this time as I'm quite insecure about my shape currently. Not that I'm proud of it. It's just what it is. 

What started off as a gentle and calm kissing session escalated quickly though and became a rather passionate and fast burning making out session with his length pressed against me.

"We need to stop." He says. "It's becoming painful." He says as he breaks the kiss.

"I wanna try it." I whisper and he does a double look.

"Love..."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for the whole thing but like... Maybe some of it?" I ask with a grimace.

"What do you want, babe?"

"I don't know." I say truthfully.

"Will you tell me if anything just doesn't feel good?" He asks and I nod. "I mean it. I don't wanna hurt you or upset you in any way. Tell me to stop and I will." He says.

"I will. I promise."

"Okay." He places a kiss on my cheek. "But I'm gonna have to get out of these underpants. Is that okay?"

"Yeah." I say.

He stands up to take off his clothes and I'm left in great anticipation of what's to come but I don't follow to do the same.

He resumes kissing me gently while my hands tangle up in his hair.

When I feel the first contact of his hand on the side of my belly under my shirt, I can't help but tense up a little.

"Is this okay?" He asks as he looks deep into my eyes while his hand caresses my belly gently. I nod.

His lips gently meet mine again and I soon start to relax.

It doesn't take him long at all to find my breasts. He touches them calmly over my bra for a while.

There's no squeezing of any kind nor force by any means as he gently presses them under his palm and I shiver underneath his weight in anticipation and pleasure while forgetting for a second about everything else.

"Can I take your shirt off?" He asks quietly and I hesitate. "It's okay to say no if you're not ready." He says.

"You can take it off." I whisper after a while of him kissing my neck lightly to give me some time to think.

Given the fact that I have been in nightgowns or oversized shirts since Hayden was born to facilitate breastfeeding, Harry hasn't seen much of me lately.

So when I sit up to allow him to take my shirt off along with my bra and he looks down instantly, it leaves me rather self-conscious.

I plop back down with my hands covering my face now with tears threatening to fall down.

"You are so beautiful, love." I feel him place a soft kiss on my stomach. Just above my belly button where the waistband of my pants lies.

"The way your skin just glows all the time." Another kiss is placed slightly above the first one.

"How your boobs have always been the perfect size and are now the perfect size to keep our little miracle alive and me with a very happy bonus." I can hear the smirk in his voice before the next kiss is placed under my breast. One on each side.

"You look fantastic all the time. To this day, I still don't know how I was expected to keep away from you. You're my entire world. I love you so much." He places the next kiss over my sternum and I'm pretty sure he lingers there a bit because he can feel the flutter of my heartbeat.

"I love how your neck feels so nice under my lips." He gently kisses my neck on the right side. "I love how it just makes you slightly shiver when I lightly suck on it." He does just that on the left side to show me what he's talking about.

"I love how I can just trace your jawline with my lips. I could do this all day." He places several gentle kisses on my jaw.

"I love your lips." One kiss.

"I love the way you kiss me." One kiss.

"I love all your gentle and sweet kisses." One kiss.

"I love all your little bites." One gentle bite.

"I love it when you mark me as your own with hard sucks on my body." One firmly pressed kiss.

"I love how you gently kiss my cheek or my chest sometimes. Or any parts of me, really." One kiss.

"I love you." He doesn't kiss me this time. Instead, he just puts his lips close to mine where I can feel his fresh minty and winy breath but without actually touching. "More than kissing you, more than burying myself inside you, more than roaming your body... I love you."

A gentle kiss around my hands on each of my cheeks.

"Can I see your face now?" He asks and I don't really know how to respond.

Gently, I feel his hands tugging on mine and I let him pry my hands away from my face.

I've been crying and he knows so next, he places a super gentle kiss on my closed eyelids.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah." I rasp out.

"I love you." He says calmly. 

"I love you too."

"Do you wanna stop?" I shake my head no and he watches me closely.

He kisses me deeply this time while his hands go roaming back down my body caressing every inch of skin I have in display for him. Almost like he's memorizing every curve on my body.

When his hands finally reach my waistband, he locks eyes with me again.

"Is this okay?" He asks as he hooks two fingers in it on each side.

"Yeah. But maybe..." I trail off.

"We don't have to do anything tonight, love. It's okay. I just wanna show you appreciation and love. We'll stop whenever you say so. No pressure."

"Okay." I say.

When he pulls my pants down, I'm left in just my underwear, and honestly, at this point, though I'm trying so hard to tune out this weird insecure part of me that the recent series of events brought me, I can't, so I'm shaking a bit from self-consciousness.

"It's okay, love." He says. "Do you need a minute?"

"No. Just... I... It's okay." I tell him.

He nods. His lips come in contact with my neck and another shiver is sent down my spine.

He kisses his way down to my stomach again and looks up to check if I'm okay.

When he reaches my lower belly, he places a couple of gentle kisses and I feel my cheeks burning. 

That's the part of me I'm the most self-conscious about other than my private parts and my thighs.

I mean, some baby weight still lingering after over 7 weeks might do that to someone like me, who has been conditioned to believe that I must look my best at all times because I'm already hard to love, so...

"You gave birth to a beautiful baby girl we now call our daughter. When you think of putting yourself down or maybe feel self-conscious again, just remember that and cut yourself some slack. You're beautiful and you just did a beautiful thing." He says and I feel a slight tug at my heart.

If he's not the sweetest guy ever, I don't know who is.

He skips over my private area and goes to my thighs instead.

I feel rather weird about them too and he notices.

So he places gentle small kisses very close to each other on my thighs in the direction of my inner thighs.

When he's done, he goes kissing his way up again before he's as close as he can be to my center without actually touching me. 

He doesn't kiss me there though and instead, he kisses my belly again before coming up.

"Are you okay?" He asks and I nod.

He suddenly resumes position near my center again and I'm convinced he can smell me at this point.

When he hooks two fingers on my underwear, I gently stop his hands just as he's about to ask if it is okay.

"Do you want me to stop?" He asks unhooking his fingers now.

"No." I rush to say. "I... I uhm. I want to go a bit further, maybe. But I don't know how... You know... How I'm looking down there." I tell him timidly.

"It's okay. If you want to, I'll do it. If you want to stop, I'll stop." He says.

"I wanna do it." I say. "Be super gentle, please?"

"Always."

When he hooks his fingers in my panties again, I let him pull it off.

I can now feel the slightest colder breeze of the room in my very hot center.

Not for long though.

"Hands or lips?" He asks.

"Lips, please. Don't go inside yet." I tell him.

"You got it."

His lips make the very first contact with my center and my eyes instantly roll back into my head.

The first few swirls of his tongue have gotten me rather worked up already.

My legs shake from the intense sensation building up in my lower stomach.

He hooks one arm around one of my legs while placing his arm gently on top of the other to keep it from moving or locking too soon.

His hand shoots out in search of mine and I interlock our fingers.

"Throw me over gently, please. Build me slower." I say in between ragged breaths.

He slows down his rhythm so I know he's listening.

When it finally hits me, my toes curl and my legs try to lock around his head pulling him in but keeping him still.

He slows to a stop and comes up to face me again. Our hands still gently connected.

"Are you okay?" He asks as my eyes are still closed.

"Better than okay. Great. Amazing." I grin lazily and he does too.

He places a gentle kiss on my lips and I smile into it.

"How was it for your first time?" He asks.

"My third first time with you?" I smirk and he kisses me again. "Fucking amazing." I say. "Thank you."

As I place my lips in his again, I reach down in between our bodies to stroke him.

"It's okay, love. Tonight was all about you." He places a few kisses on my face as he pulls me closer to his body.

I snuggle close to him and just as I'm about to drift into sleep, the monitor warns me that Hayden is awake.

Oh to be the parents of an almost eight weeks old baby while in love with each other.


	48. Disrupt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as I said, it's not my intention or my best interest to keep this story going one chapter at a time, so here goes another one.
> 
> I'm trying as hard as I can to proofread everything so I can post them in bunches, but it turns out, it's quite hard to do that.
> 
> As I'm going through the chapters, I realize there are things I could've done better so as I go, I can't avoid rewriting some of the things I come across.
> 
> Guess that's a creator's biggest issue.
> 
> I started this story just for myself back in March 2020. Kind of a thing to get through what I had going on at the time.
> 
> It wasn't even supposed to be a Haylor fanfiction. So much so that nowhere in the first chapter will you fin Taylor's or Harry's name.
> 
> But now, January 2021, almost a year after I started, I've evolved and I have become a bit more acquainted with writing again so there's bound to be a bunch of things I feel compelled to change or rewrite (and there's nothing wrong with that in my opinion.)
> 
> I'm just saying that though I'm 6 chapters ahead in proofreading, I can't release them all at once so that the rewritings I've done (Minimum, but they do change a couple of things) don't create plotholes.
> 
> Continuity is kind of a big deal.
> 
> Anyways, ranted a bit there. I'm just asking you guys to bear with me and please, PLEASE, let me know what you think. Good or bad. Okay?
> 
> This is the last one for the night.
> 
> Happy reading.

Another two weeks go by before I actually feel comfortable enough in my own skin to let Harry go all the way.

Not that we haven't played and done whole different things to reacquaint ourselves to each other if you know what I mean.

But one night as Hayden has had enough milk to get her through most of the evening, I feel like we've come a long enough way to just not go all the way.

When he enters me for the first time in over 3 months, I feel like I'm about to explode.

My biggest fear was that I wouldn't be as tight as I once was or that it wouldn't feel the same for us.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Or maybe, more right.

It didn't feel the same.

It felt better.

As I now lay my head in his chest I hear the sound of his heart thumping loudly against my ear and after longing for quite some time, I finally feel at home.

Hayden wakes up a while after we're both asleep and I get up to tend to her.

I throw in a pair of underwear and a robe before heading into her room to get her. 

"Hi, sweet girl." I coo at her when I enter the room to find her mostly babbling and threatening to cry as a complaint.

As soon as she hears my voice though, she quiets down and her head turns to search for me.

"Are we feeling a bit cranky tonight?" I say as I pick her up and she makes a noise to let me know she mostly agrees.

I sit back in the rocking chair I've now grown accustomed to and I start rocking her back and forth for a bit as I pull out my breast to feed her.

"Go on, sweet cheeks." I encourage her as she doesn't suckle as soon as she latches. "It's all for you. Have at it." I smile as my fingers gently rub her little cheek to prompt her to nurse.

Truth is I've always produced more milk than she could handle and therefore, I'm always bursting on the intervals before she's hungry again.

Turns out though, tonight, miss Hayden had other plans.

Rather than taking her one hour 11 pm feeding, she decided she just wanted a 10 minutes snack to fall back into sleep.

"No. Not yet baby. Mommy's got a lot more milk. Come on." I say as I rub her cheeks to wake her up.

She has a "zero obligations enforcement" policy in place whatsoever and no matter how hard I try, she won't take the nipple back.

Despite having successfully woken her, it falls under the category of things I can't force her to do. "You can lead a baby to the breast, but you can't force them to nurse." I think to myself.

One more try seems to be one too many though because as soon as I push her against my boob again, she lets out a frustrated wail as if I was torturing her.

"Shhhh. Ok. Ok. Got it. You don't want it. It's okay." I say as I cradle her against my chest.

"Everything ok?" Harry asks as he pops his head inside a minute later when she's already well on her way to sleep again.

"Yeah." I say. "She fell asleep on me before I was done though." I say. "Woke her up but she wasn't too happy about that." I say and he chuckles as he comes all the way in and takes her. "Stop laughing. It's painful when she doesn't want to nurse. I'm bursting right now. In an hour, I'll be climbing up walls." I say and he smiles.

We take her back to our room where she still sleeps for the night and after observing her for a few minutes to make sure she was actually asleep, he pulls me to my feet from the bed.

"Come on."

"What are you doing?" I ask as he gently guides me to the bathroom.

"Stay here." He says as I sit on the edge of our sink countertop. 

He runs me a bath but I'm yet to understand what's in his mind.

Yet, I follow him when he tells me to and get undressed as he requests before I get in the tub just as I'm told. 

With the baby monitor placed strategically out of reach so as to not get any water on it, Harry and I sit facing each other on the tub.

"This should help. I researched it." He says almost proud of himself. "It says to apply warmth a lot and massage it to allow it to come out naturally, rather than forcing it all out with a pump." He says and I nod.

When the first few jets of hot water hit my chest, I wince sharply but nod at him to go on.

When that part of warming up the boob is done, he tells me to hold on to the showerhead while his hands quickly massage the sides of my boobs. One at a time.

Each time he'd massage under my boob though, big streams of milk would come out.

"Now I truly feel like a cow." I groan and he laughs a bit.

"It'll help though."

When the process has been done on both boobs, he washes me calmly and then spreads a nice soothing shower lotion on my back as I now, still facing him, gently lay my head in the crook of his neck.

"Tryna put me to sleep, mister?" I mumble.

"Is it working?"

"I'm rather drowsy." I say lazily and he smiles.

"Want to get out?"

"But this is so good." I say and he chuckles again.

"Come on, you dork. I'll rub your back in bed." He says and I grin.

As we are calmly laying in bed dressed in the most comfortable pajamas I could find, he gently rubs my back under my shirt just as promised.

I'm lulled into sleep so intensely that I'm jolted awake disoriented when Hayden's cries come through the monitor. It is now 2 am.

"Ughh... I love her, but this girl..." I trail off.

Harry gets up to go get her for me.

When she comes this time, she looks nothing like my regular sweet little girl.

She comes screaming the house down. Red to the face. Arms and legs locked in anger. Little rosy lips shaking in distress.

All that as if she wasn't the one to blame this time anyway.

"Jesus..." I mutter under my breath.

When he places her in my arms, she instantly turns in search of the source of her food.

The way she makes the suckle movements with her little mouth before I even pull my breast out for her tells me this is going to be a battlefield.

"Alright, sharky, I'm going to give it to you. So help me God if you take this too hard. Do you hear me? Just go easy okay?" She just kept letting out random screams making it widely known she wasn't listening.

I let her take the breast and just as I suspected, she suckles so hard my eyes roll back into my head from the sharp pain shooting through me at the contact.

Before I can control the instinct, a sharp scream leaves my body accompanied by some tears and I sharply pull my nipple out without properly breaking the latch. 

"She bit me." I whine and rub my nipple a little as Harry watches in sympathy.

I let her try again and this time, though not as hard as the first time, she still locks her mouth pretty strongly.

"Ouch... Baby..." I take a shaky breath as my fingers rub her little cheeks to let her knows she needs to fall back into our regular rhythm. 

"How?" Harry looks confused. "She literally has got no teeth. How did she bite you?" 

"Let her take your nipple and bite it with her toothless shark mouth and you'll know." I pout and quickly wince at her fast and hard suckling. 

"Sorry, baby." He kisses my forehead. 

Within another minute, she does fall back a bit.

It's not an urgent need for her anymore. She remembered that she doesn't have to hurry. I'm always just right here.

When she's fallen back into our regular rhythm, I lay back and turn to my side placing her gently on the bed beside Harry without ever pulling my nipple out of her mouth.

This time, since she's super hungry, she doesn't show even the slightest sign that she'd fall back to sleep, so instead, her little hands hold on to me for dear life and her little eyes keep looking up at me this time. Scanning my face as if to memorize me or maybe to check and make sure I'm not mad that she bit me so hard she made me cry.

"I swear to God, those eyes. Same as mine when I was a kid." I say to Harry as I calmly run a finger over her brows.

Suddenly, she stops suckling to smile at me.

"Harry?" I say hurriedly. "I think she's smiling at me. Look." I show him as she looks up at me still and stops her nursing to smile up.

"Oh. I think she's definitely smiling at you." He gently runs his fingers through her hair.

"Isn't this the cutest thing you've ever seen?" I ask rhetorically and he smiles. "Aren't you baby? The cutest ever? I'm sure you are." I gently coo at her and she keeps smiling the whole time. "I can't believe we were so lucky to have a baby as cute as you, my sweet girl." She smiles wide before going back to nursing.

"I think she just bribed you." Harry chuckles. 

"What?" 

"She bribed you. She bit you and made you cry and then smiled at you for the first time. She bought you." He says and I chuckle. 

"Worth it." I say. "Actually, maybe not." I look at her. "This is going to leave my nipple sore for several days now." I sigh and she smiles at me again. "If you think you can buy mommy's forgiveness with a toothless smile around my breast, missy... You're absolutely right. You're too cute. Mommy can't be mad at you." I coo and she smiles again. 

The next morning we end up discussing plans for the future. 

"I think I want to start working on my debut album. Do you think that would be ok?" Harry asks over breakfast.

"Well, yeah."

"But I'd likely be gone for a couple of days every two weeks maybe. My team is in new york."

"Not an issue."

"Would you consider coming with me? I don't want to be away from you or Hayden."

"To new york? No, thank you."

"It would only be for a couple of days. Not a lot."

"New York is the place for paps and fans to follow me around and document my every move, Harry. I can't really go there until I'm ready to plaster the tabloids again. Which I'm not by the way."

"But, honey..." 

"I really want to support you and I really don't want to spend any time away from you, but I can't do that yet, Harry." I say. "I'm having a hard time with things as it is I-" I take a second to breathe so I don't end up crying. "I can't handle any more of that. I was trained to please people, and I thrive on little pats on the back and words of "Good job, Taylor" and now all of that is gone and I'm... I don't really know what I am right now except for when I'm here with you and Hayden so I can't get out there yet. I can't brave the world yet." I look down. 

"Okay." He says. "Do you want me to stay? Maybe postponing my plans would be for the best."

"It's okay. I've ruined your life enough as it is." I chuckle but he finds no amusement in my statement whatsoever so he pulls me into his lap and holds me close as I hide my face in his neck. 

"Is that what you think? That you ruined my life?" 

"I'd be lying if I said no." I mumble. 

"I don't know how to convince you that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He gently rubs my back. "Do you know that without you I feel like I can't breathe?" 

"That's beside the point." 

"No. It isn't. You make me feel alive and I wouldn't trade that for the world." 

"You too want the world's approval, Harry. Each and every single artist out there do. We're trained that way. We are born intrinsically insecure and people's applause makes us feel better about how we constantly think we're not enough so if you're anything like me, and you are because you decided early on in life to be an artist, this is hell for you. So I did, Harry. I did ruin your life." I look at him now.

"You what else is true about me? Is that I love you beyond reason. Is that you are without a shadow of a doubt, the love of my life and I can't live without you. I don't want to. So while it is true that I'm just like you, it doesn't mean that I wish to leave you or detach myself from your name so that I can live a different path. If you're in it, I'm in it. I wish you didn't have to go through this but if you're going through it, then so am I. I'm forever yours, babe. Forever." 

"This far from over, Harry. And I'm not willing to brave the world again just yet. I'm also not sure what the next era Taylor is gonna be like or even if there will be a next era me or if I'll forever be stuck in this moment. I can't promise you anything." 

"I'm aware. But I won't let you get stuck, baby. I promise." 

"You can't promise me that. I don't know how to bounce back from this backlash and I'm hurt and sad and angry and I can't really move past it." 

"Yet, you're not stuck. It's kinda like grieving, baby. It takes time."

"What if it takes too long?" I whisper. 

"Even if it took forever, I'm yours." He kisses my hair and I hide my face in his neck again.

"Promise?" I whisper. 

"I promise." He says and I nod. "I'm gonna postpone."

"No. It's okay."

"Baby-" 

"It's okay. It'll be good for me to feel like life is moving things along. It gives me hope. I'll be okay just come back as fast as you can?" 

"Always, love." He smiles and I sit up so we can finish breakfast before the baby cries wanting to be fed too. "Are you planning anything for your own career any time soon?"

"Not really. My reputation is in flames right now. Have to wait to see what's left from that fire. But also, Hayden is rather young and I'd like to give us both some more time before I try anything that could pull me away from her."

"Are you telling me-"

"No. I'm not telling you anything." I cut him off. "You always do this. Ask me something then take my answer as a personal offense and end up picking a fight that wasn't there in the first place." I say.

"It's not what I meant." He says.

"I know. I'm just cutting it out before it escalates."

"Okay."

Two weeks after that, we're at the door saying goodbye to him.

"I love you, sweetheart. I'll be back soon. Please don't forget me while I'm gone." He whispers to Hayden who's looking attentively at him. "I'll see you soon, baby girl." He says as he passes her back to me. "I love you, Tay." He kisses me quickly as we have already said goodbye.

"Love you too. Good luck." I say.

"Thanks."

And with that, exchanging one last glance at each other, he's gone and I head back inside.

"Guess it's you and me now, huh?" I say to Hayden and her little eyes widen. "It's ok. We'll live." I say and she forms a small smile.

The first day without Harry goes by in a blur. He left after lunch so most of the difficult parts of our routine had been done already.

The second day though... Hell.

"Honey, I'm just trying to go give Meredith and Olivia their food. I'll be back in a second." I say as for the thousandth time this morning, Hayden wails as I put her down.

I pick her back up and she's fine. No tears. 

I put her down, she goes off like a siren.

"Alright, listen. I can't go tend to the cats with you glued to my side, okay? I'm really sorry but mommy is gonna be right back." I say placing her back in her crib, to her dismay.

She doesn't stop screaming the entire 2 or 3 minutes I'm taking care of the cats.

She has now decided that they don't deserve my time and that I should only care for her.

At first, her clinginess is sweet, but when I'm not able to have lunch because she won't leave me alone, it's not so sweet anymore.

Already, I miss Harry.

When bath time rolls around, it's another battle. She won't settle enough for me to go run a bath calmly. Instead, I have to balance her in one arm and run her bath with the other. My arms are starting to feel like they're going to fall off if I'm at all being honest.

Her bath is not the normal calm and bonding affair this time. It's her squirming, kicking, screaming, and crying and me trying hard to hold her properly without letting her slip, trying hard to bathe her properly without hurting her, and trying hard to hold back the tears because I'm exhausted.

When I get her out and cuddle her back into my chest she calms down a little but still won't settle down.

I remember how normally my skin calms her so I raise the thermostat, put a diaper on her and nothing else, and remove my own shirt to let her feel my warmth.

This time she does settle down and decides she wants to be fed.

If she's hungry, you ask? No. No, she's not.

When Harry facetimes me half an hour after that, I cover myself and her with my blanket, because given that it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm half-naked and so is Hayden and I don't know where he's calling me from nor why, I figure it's for the best.

"Hi, love." He says as soon as I pick up.

"Hi, babe."

"I miss you."

"Miss you too. Where are you right now?"

"Home. We finished early today. I was having a hard time so I decided to come home and head back tomorrow morning instead."

"Oh. Is anyone else there with you?"

"Woman, who would even be here?" He chuckles.

"I don't know. A friend or whatever? It's just that I'm half-naked and I'm feeding Hayden. I was wondering if I could pull the covers back."

"You can pull it back. I'm alone." He chuckles.

"Okay." I say as I adjust the covers again. "What were you having a hard time with?"

"What?"

"You said you were having a hard time. What happened?"

"I missed you guys. My head wasn't in the game."

"We've missed you too. Little miss sunshine here was rather cranky today." I tell him. "But you gotta focus and get this done so you can come home to us." I say.

"I know. I'll get it done soon." He says.

"How far did you go today?"

"Mostly we talked about the lyrics I already have. We chose three to work on this week. We'll see how that goes."

"Great. How are you liking it? Being solo."

"I don't know. It's weird not having the boys here but it's freeing and so good to just make the decisions based on what I want rather than as a pack of 5 in which I not always agree but end up getting outnumbered."

"Yeah." I say. "I think you'll do great, babe. I'll cheer you on as loud as I can when you hit your first number one."

"Stop. You don't know if I'll hit number one."

"You sure as hell have the potential." I say.

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"You haven't heard anything yet."

"If it's anything like the big speeches you give me from time to time to tell me you love me, it'll be amazing."

"What if they're not all love songs?"

"It's cool. I'm not expecting you to write an album about me, if that's what you're stuck on. I'll cheer you on regardless of who or what the album happens to be about."

"Cool."

"I love you."

"I love you too." He says.

"Don't tell me whom it's about if it ain't about me though." I almost whisper.

"Sure. I'll take it to my grave." He grins and I smile.

A minute of silence falls upon us.

"Baby, why are you and Hayden naked though?" He asks amused.

"Oh. Today has been an uphill battle. She refused to settle down. I bathed her through kicking and screaming and tears from both of us, so I sat down with her to see if I could calm her down a bit but she still wasn't handling things okay, so I pulled my shirt off to let her feel my skin and then she decided she wanted to nurse though she wasn't very hungry. So that's that. Now she's here giving me basically one suckle every 10 minutes just so she can keep my nipple in her mouth."

"Maybe a pacifier could help with that, love." 

"We talked about this." I say and he nods. "I think she's acting weird though." 

"Do you think she's coming down with anything?"

"No. I just think she felt the disruption in her routine."

"You're gonna make me feel guilty that I came." He sighs.

"I'm not trying to. It's ok. I miss you a lot. But it's ok to go work on your music. I won't hold it against you."

"She might."

"She won't. She's a baby. By tomorrow she'll likely feel better already."

"Okay." He says. "I'll let you go back to your day. If you need anything, just call me."

"Same."

"I'll call you later."

"Ok. Bye."

When we hang up, Hayden is fast asleep with my nipple still inside her mouth.

I pull it out only to have her snap her eyes open while letting a loud wail out to chase after my nipple. 

"It's gonna be a long day if you keep this up, girl." I sigh as I let her latch on again.

It was indeed a long day. Most of it spent with Hayden glued to my side.

When Harry calls again later that night, I'm exhausted and I just wanna lay down face first and sleep for 12 hours.

"Have you showered yet?" Harry asks.

"Yeah."

"Have you eaten?"

"Yeah."

"Is she asleep yet?"

"Yeah."

"Go to sleep then." He says.

"It's 8 pm. If I go to sleep right now, I'll wake up later and I'll have a rather nasty case of insomnia and you're not here to rub my back so no, thanks."

"Do you want me to keep talking then? Keep you awake?"

"Yes, please."

In his defense, he tried his very best, and in my defense, I was very tired.

The next thing I know, I'm jolted awake and end up falling off the bed at around 11 pm by Hayden's cries through the monitor.

"Love, are you okay?" I hear Harry on the phone.

"What time is it?" I mumble. "Ow. Damn it."

"Five minutes to 11 pm."

"Jeez. I'll never be able to sleep again."

"I'll keep you company." He says.

In my defense, I tried my very best, in his defense, he was very tired.

Before I even put Hayden back into her crib, Harry is fast asleep already.

I hang up when I get back into bed and send him a voice note to let him know I'm ok.

It's the first time since Hayden was born that we spent nights apart.

However, in just another 4 days, he's back and all's well again.


	49. Uphill battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely human beings. 
> 
> Here are a couple new chapters. 
> 
> Happy reading. :)

Time passes by in a blur and suddenly, Harry's gone again.

"Another 2 or 3 sessions and we should be done, baby." He says as we say goodbye again. "I'll be back soon. I love you."

The first day is another uphill battle with Hayden but this time, I'm a bit more equipped to handle it.

I slept better the night before. I stocked up on comfort food for myself. I sent the cats to my mom for the day so she can get them groomed for me. All the house chores were previously done. Everything was in order. My one focus of attention was her so this time, it was less stressful for both of us.

Not that I didn't end up crawling into bed half-naked to try and comfort her after bath time. But it was easier this time around.

The next day, she was back to her normal self and so, we went on a little trip to Abigail's house.

"I told you I'd come to you. What are you even doing here?" Abigail smiles and coos at the baby.

"Ugh. We were getting stir crazy. Plus, kid is now almost 3 months old. It's time we start to head out of the house. Get some sun. Show some skin." I say and she smiles.

"I'm glad you came. But now you're gonna have to help me unpack. I was gonna bring all this stuff to your house." She chuckles.

"It's cool. I'm dying for something else to do."

"Cool. Then hand her over and get on to unpack." She says and I gladly comply.

"So, I'm done with the designs for your cupholders. I have 3 different layouts. Wanna check that out? It's in Hayden's backpack pocket."

"Wow, Tay. These are beautiful. I don't know which one to pick now." She smiles looking at the designs and I do too.

"Any one of them would fit the theme perfectly. I made sure of it." I say.

"Which one would you pick?"

"That's your job. I'm not gonna pick it for you." I say and she laughs. "Now about the reception. Have you decided on a cake yet?" I ask.

"Not yet. Ugh. I'm so stressed." She says.

"We need to decide on that though. Your date is coming up around the corner."

"I'm getting married in less than 2 months." She marvels.

"Yep. And you still don't have a cake nor a dress." I state. "Let's get on with it."

The day progresses and Abigail finally decides on a cake. We order the samples for the flavor but the decoration of it is settled.

Once that was done, we sat down to catch up on things.

"I feel like we're in a much better place now that we're about to get married." She says when I ask about her and Matt. "He's grown a lot and so have I, to be honest."

"You do seem much happier." I say.

"I am."

"I mean, this is the stuff we used to dream about when we were young. Right?" I say and she nods.

Her slow small rendition of "This is what dreams are made of" has me snorting quite a bit before we both laugh hard.

"Any baby plans?" I ask after a while.

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that grown-up stuff. You know?"

"Tell me about it." I snort. "I don't think anyone is ever truly ready."

"Yeah. But you're doing it. Damn fine job at that."

"Yeah. But we're in a bubble right now. No one has seen her. There are no pictures of her anywhere. I have yet to be photographed out and about with or without her. So that's a bubble. What's it gonna be like when that bubble bursts?"

"Yeah. That could be hard. But at least you have Harry. He doesn't seem like he's going anywhere this time."

"I mean, yes. But also, no."

"How come?"

"Harry has no idea how much hate I can actually get all at once. He's used to his own version of a fall down where he has another 4 members to share it with and therefore, it isn't too hard on any of them. Me? It's just me. So it's rather concentrated and personal. A bad wave is always bound to be stronger, bigger, and harder if you're solo. Couple that with people hating on me beyond my career like it's a sport? I sometimes think I won't bounce back from this."

"You will bounce back. You always do."

"I've never gone through anything like this before, Abby." 

"I know. But you'll bounce back. I know you will." 

"Harry sometimes has no idea about any of this. I wish I could be as oblivious as he is." 

"I know what you mean. Maybe you should talk to him about it though."

"I have. Like I said, he doesn't have dimensions on how big this fallout can actually be. And frankly, good for him. I wish I didn't know either." I say and she nods.

"Me too." She says. "Other than that, how's everything with you two?"

"Good." I say simply.

"But he's gone right now. Right?"

"Yeah. He's working on his debut album."

"How's that coming along?"

"Don't know. Haven't heard it yet."

"Not even a snippet?"

"Nope. It might not be about me and I'm a little freaked."

"Who would it be about?" She asks as her eyes widen and I shrug. "Ok. But do you _KNOW_ it's not about you or do you _THINK_ it's not about you?"

"I don't _KNOW_ know. But we were talking the other day and I said I'd cheer him on when it came out. He was kinda stuck and asked what if it wasn't all a bunch of love songs so I told him he didn't have to write an album about me. I wasn't expecting him to. It was ok if it wasn't. He said ok. Told him to not tell me who it was about if it wasn't about me and he said he'd take it to the grave."

"Man..." She trails off.

"I regret it deeply now. If he writes an entire album about some other girl he has been in bed with I'm going to explode." I say.

"As you should. You don't write songs about others when you have someone in your bed currently. It's not nice." She says and I smile as I lay my head on her shoulder. "I'll kick his teeth in if he does that to you. Don't worry." I snort.

Another 4 days goes by before Harry returns.

"Do you think you could keep her for the day?" I ask him one morning.

"Why?" He asks.

"Well because she's your daughter too. You know?" I chuckle.

"I know. But what are you doing you can't take her?"

"I have some stuff to work out with Abigail for her wedding." I tell him already growing frustrated that his first answer wasn't an enthusiastic yes.

I've already been a bad enough maid of honor to her by getting pregnant in the middle of her wedding planning. I can't keep skipping this stuff too."

"Okay. I'll keep her."

Later in the morning, I shower quickly with Hayden quietly laying in her little bassinet on the bathroom rug.

While I apply my makeup, I explain to Harry for the thousandth time how I've packed up a few packets of milk for her and that should last her a few hours until I come back. But if it doesn't and she gets restless, he should call me and I'd head back.

Once I'm done, I get dressed and after a whole lot of tearful goodbyes to her, I'm out the door.

"What? No Hayden today?" Abigail asks as I meet her.

"No. Harry has her for the day. I thought I could use some time baby free." I say and she smiles.

"You go girl."

"Shall we get going?" I smirk and she nods.

After trying 10 different cakes with Abigail and 20 different kinds of food that could be served at her wedding while talking about everything that still needs to be done for her wedding, we head out of the restaurant.

"I should head home, Abigail. I've been gone for like 5 hours. I better not push it. Also, my boobs are bursting." I say and she snorts. "I'll drop you off at home."

"Okay." She says.

When I get home, I hear the ear-piercing screams and a hard tug on my breast shoots through me.

"Babe, I'm home." I call out.

"In the kitchen." He calls out and I head over.

"What's happening?"

"She won't settle down. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what she wants. She doesn't want to go down to sleep and she won't take the bottle either. She's clean and changed and I don't know what she wants." He states frustrated.

"It's okay. She probably just missed me." I say as I pick her up. "Just like she always misses you whenever you're gone. There's nothing wrong with her. She's just frustrated."

"So am I!" He says.

"And that's okay." I say. "I'm just gonna go sit down with her a bit. Ok?" I say and he nods.

"What's wrong sweet cheeks?" I ask her as I sit down in the rocking chair in her room. "Were you a bit cranky for daddy today?" She nuzzles my chest searching for comfort. "You want some mommy milk?" I coo and she complains a bit.

I help her a bit when in her little eager tries at latching on, she misses the nipple entirely. When she latches on she lets out a long sigh as if to say she missed me and that I had been gone a long time.

Less than 2 minutes of nursing, she's sweating a lot so I take her sweet bunny overall off to leave her in her socks and onesie only.

She tucks her little legs under my arm and her little hands under my boobs as if she just wanted proximity.

She nurses quietly for almost 40 minutes before she runs the milk dry. That's normal for her. What's different is that today, she requests the other breast too.

I switch her from one side to another and she nurses wide awake for another 10 or 15 minutes before her eyes start to droop.

Another five minutes and she goes entirely limp and relaxed in my arms letting go of the breast.

I put her up against my shoulder and rub her back for a few minutes until she burps the air out.

I place her gently in her crib and decide to put some pants on her to pair up with her long-sleeved onesie rather than putting her overalls on again.

"Is she okay?" Harry asks from the door as I'm almost done putting her pants on.

"Yeah. Like I said, she probably just missed me." I say and he nods.

"She cried for like 30 minutes straight. I didn't know what to do anymore. I fed her. Changed her. I even bathed her again. She just refused to quiet down." He said.

"It's okay. She can be a handful on the first few hours of having her routine disrupted. You did well. I'm sure."

"I feel like such a loser. Can't calm my own daughter." He says and I wrap my arms around him.

"Go get a shower. I'll get you some dinner then we'll talk more about this if you want to." I say and he nods.

I place a gentle long kiss on his lips before letting him go. To make sure.

As he hops on the shower I quickly order him some Chinese food and head upstairs.

As I hop in the shower with him and wrap my arms around him, he truly does break down and boy, I understand. It can be quite frustrating when she won't settle.

After half an hour, he feels better and so we leave the shower.

We head downstairs so he can have some dinner and we can watch some TV.

After he's done eating, he comes to lay down on top of me. His head on my chest.

"Can't believe she made me cry." He says.

"Trust me. She has much more power than just that. She just doesn't know how to use it yet." I chuckle as I start to run my hands through his hair.

"I hope she never learns then. That was hard enough."

"Tell me about it." I snort.

"Is she like this every time I leave?"

"Pretty much. Yeah. But instead of just a 5 hours patch, it's a whole day." I say.

"God. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this." He says.

"Babe, we've talked about this. It's okay. Besides, it'll only be for a couple more weeks. Right?" He nods. "I'll live. She'll live too." I say.


	50. Sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2/2 
> 
> Happy reading. :)

True to his words, Harry has two more visits to New York before he is done with the lyrics of the songs he chose to have in his album.

Everything else can be done a bit more calmly.

On the last trip he makes though, by the very beginning of September, Hayden comes down with a stomach bug.

"What's wrong?" He asks over the phone.

"Nothing much. Just that Hayden seems to be coming down with something. She's a bit fussier than normal and even my breasts are failing to calm her down." I say to him.

"I'm coming home."

"It's fine, Harry. She's okay. She'll be okay."

"I was gonna go home anyway in the morning, love. That's what I called to tell you. I'm done. I'd just be anticipating my flight." He says.

"Well, in that case, ok." I say and he smiles.

He makes it home in the middle of the night and tiptoes around thinking we could be asleep, but instead, Hayden was screaming her head off not 5 minutes ago and I finally just managed to settle her down with some nursing time.

"Thought you'd be asleep." He says gently as he places a kiss on my forehead.

"She's been quite cranky. Screaming her head off for hours. Just managed to settle her down." I say.

"I'll take a quick shower. Be back in a second."

When he does return, she's wide awake but no longer nursing.

"Want me to take her?" He asks as he sits down in bed and I pass her over to him.

He manages to put her down to sleep after a few minutes of gently rocking her.

As soon as he gets up with her though, she's startled right out of her sleep and the next second, she's going full jet stream of vomit on his shoulder.

"She's definitely going down with something." I sigh as I get up to go change her for the third time tonight.

"What the hell?" He says in a stupor. "She went all out on me." He says.

"Go shower." I tell him. As I undress her, she's back to wailing again.

"Maybe we should call her doctor." He says as I bring her in for him to wash.

"Maybe in the morning." I say. "Hold her tight. I'll get her soap."

"Do you think she's eaten anything that didn't sit well or..."

"She's exclusively breastfed. What could she possibly have eaten?" I deadpan.

"I don't know." He mumbles.

"She didn't eat anything bad. It's likely a stomach bug." I say as I gently wash her while she rests in his hands.

Once I pick her back up with the towel, I head back to change her.

Deciding on lighter clothes, I dress her in a long-sleeved overall and light, footed pants.

I feed her again but this time, I cut off much earlier than I normally do, to try and avoid the vomiting cycle again.

After almost an hour, she's fast asleep.

"I don't want to leave her alone tonight. Can you get her bassinet and set it up here please?" I ask him and he nods.

After he sets it up by my side of the bed, I gently place her in it, hoping she'd get a much needed rest but no such luck.

She wakes up screaming again wanting to be picked up again.

By the time I finally manage to put her down, it's 4:20 am and I'm exhausted.

"Hayden is coming down with something. She's been vomiting quite a bit since last night. Think I should bring her to the ER or can she hold on until morning so her pediatrician can take a look at her?"

I shoot a text to my mom in hopes that she can wake up. Thankfully she does.

"What's her current state? Does she seem lethargic? Like she doesn't have any more energy. Also, does she have any other symptoms?"

"She seems fine. Just clingy. She won't settle anywhere apart from my chest. Other than that, her only symptom is vomiting. No fevers, no coughing, no sneezing, and no noises from her nose or chest."

"I think she can hold off until tomorrow then. Get some sleep if you can."

"Ok. Thanks."

The next three hours feel like bootcamp. Like I'm training for the army or something.

She refused to settle down. No one gets any sleep throughout the night in this household.

We take turns bouncing her but she barely tolerates that.

We sing to her. Read to her. Talk to her. Bounce her. Pace with her. Gently rock her. Nothing works.

I feed her twice and she still won't settle.

When morning comes, I take her down to brew some coffee to help me stay awake but she ends up falling asleep on the living room rug where I carefully made a bed for her to wait for my coffee.

When I notice she's asleep, I gently lay by her side and shut my eyes thinking I'll just catch 5 minutes before she wakes up again.

To my utter surprise, the next time I wake up, it's Harry trying to lift me up off the floor.

"Love? Get up. You slept on the floor." He says when I open my eyes. 

I mumble something in my asleep but half unaware.

"I know. Come on. I'll get you to bed." He says as he picks me up off the floor.

When he lays me down in my bed I remember the reason why I was on the floor in the first place. Hayden.

"Where's Hayden?" I shoot up in bed.

"Shhhh. She's okay. Your mom is here. She's got her."

"I gotta go check." I say as I throw my legs to the side of the bed.

"Baby, lay down. She's fine. She's with your mom. She'll come to get you if Hayden needs anything. Get some sleep. You've been up all night." He says pulling me back.

I relent.

"My mom's got her, right?"

"Yeah. I mean, she did raise two of her own..." He says and I nod before falling into some deep sleep.

When I wake up again it's 7:45 am. I so want to go back to sleep but I need to go check on my baby, plus, my breast are bursting at this point.

"Hi, honey." My mom greets me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Super tired though. How long was I out?"

"About an hour and a half."

"Ugh."

"You can go get some more sleep if you want. I'll keep her."

"My boobs hurt. I need her to nurse a bit." I say and she nods.

When I do get her to nurse, she comes like a shark again and I almost cry.

Once about 20 minutes' worth of milk is inside her, she lets go and in a split second, I catch the little face I've come to know she makes just before she hurls everything out on me.

"I think I'm gonna take her to see her doctor now rather than later." I say as I catch my mom staring from the doorway.

"That might be for the best." She says. "I'll make you some breakfast."

"That's okay, mom. I'm not really hungry." I say. "Can you come to help me instead? I'll shower with her but could you dress her for me, please?"

"Sure thing." She says.

I go up to find Harry still passed out in bed as my mom is already undressing Hayden in her own room.

"Babe, wake up." I say as I gently shake him. "Babe?"

"Hm?"

"I think I'm gonna head out to the doctor's office. She's still throwing up a bit."

"I'll come with you."

"Okay."

I head into the shower with Hayden as Harry gets up to pack her bag and leave everything ready to go. 

My mom and I quickly wash her before I hand her over to my mom's awaiting arms to dry her up and dress her.

When Hayden's out, Harry comes in to brush his teeth.

"Do you think it's bad or just mild?"

"I think it's mild. But it doesn't hurt to check it out." I say.

"Okay." He says as he washes his mouth. "Can I come in?" He asks.

"Yeah."

He steps into the shower with me and instantly his arms find their way around my waist as his lips press gently on my cheek.

When he doesn't move at all, I feel like melting into his arms. I could surely fall asleep like this. But, for obvious reasons, I can't, so I nudge him gently.

"We have to get going." I say and he nods. "We'll get some rest later."

"Mkay."

Once we're out of the shower and dressed, my mom comes to get me to calm Hayden down again.

Another hassle. Hayden is hungry again but still is unable to keep anything down. I refuse to deny my baby food though, so I undress and sit in the tub with her giving her about 10 minutes of nursing before letting her take a 3 minutes break to see if she settles. The first break, she holds on, but the second time? Milk everywhere just like I predicted.

I quickly rewash both of us, and my mom dresses her again.

We head out to the doctor's with my mom driving.

When we get there, there's a bit of time to wait before it's her turn and I feel like crying.

From frustration, fear, anxiety, but mostly, from exhaustion.

Hayden is restless again so we pass her around our arms to keep her busy rather than try to feed her again.

My anxiety grows by the minute. There are two other kid's moms and a dad in the waiting room. The fear of them taking pictures and posting them online is definitely real. But also, the stories about how I, as a mom, am a failure too. Completely unable to calm my daughter down.

20 minutes goes by and we still have yet to be called. 

One kid was called from the waiting room but he seemed sicker than her.

Eventually, I'm forced to feed Hayden. She won't settle down any other way and she's growing too upset to control.

I sit down with my back to the mom on the other chair and maneuver a bit to allow her to feed without actually flashing myself to the room. It's the very first time I've had to feed her in public and I take some pride in the fact that I managed it just fine.

Inevitably, the whole thing comes back out and tears finally do stream down my face.

I quickly wipe them away though and make quick work of getting her out of her dirty clothes.

She goes back to being a bit restless and I stand up with her.

"How old is she?" The other mom asks.

"2 and a half months." I say.

"Mine had an episode like this when she was around that age. It's terrifying but it goes away. Don't worry. You're doing fine." She says as she smiles and I smile back truly appreciating her gesture.

She didn't offer advice and didn't look like she was sorry for either me or the baby. She looked like she just understood me.

"What did you do to stop it?" I ask.

"It went away on its own. Just buckle up. If it's anything like what my daughter had, you just have to hold on and tight because the next 4 or 5 days are gonna be hell." She chuckles.

"5 days? I won't survive it." I say and she snorts.

"You will. I promise. You'll just feel like you didn't." She says. "Honestly though, you're doing a good job. She'll more than likely be fine soon." She says.

"Thank you." I say. "How old is she?"

"Rounding at 1 year next week."

"Aw. Happy early birthday then, miss." I say to the baby and she smiles.

Just at that, the nurse comes to get us.

"Any fever?" Dr. Wilson asks after all pleasantries are exchanged.

"None. No other symptom is showing except for the vomiting. Which has gotten substantially worse since 4 am to now." I say.

"Okay. She doesn't have a fever, her throat looks okay, she's not making any noises and there's no snot in her nose. It sounds like she just got a stomach bug." She says. "I'm gonna need to get some blood though. Make sure it isn't something more serious. I doubt it is, but let's cover our basis."

"Okay."

Hayden is held down at the table by Harry so the nurse, Karla, can take up some blood and I look away at the corner with my mom.

Her cries break my heart, but there's nothing that can be done so I just hold my tears in.

Once she's done, I'm allowed to pick her back up.

Instantly she ducks towards my chest wanting to be fed again for comfort and that brings another tight feeling to my heart.

"It's okay. You can feed her, mom." Dr. Wilson says.

"She'll throw up again though."

"It's okay. She isn't dehydrated so she's definitely keeping some of it." She says and I nod. "You can hop on the table with her. I'm gonna take that as a chance to hear how her belly is functioning." She says and I do as told.

As soon as she latches on, the doctor comes to check her belly and listen to the sounds.

"Yep. Definitely a stomach bug. There's a lot of air inside. Which is likely what's prompting her to vomit."

"She's not swallowing it as she feeds though. She's pretty locked on her latch." I say.

"No. It's probably a bacteria releasing gas inside her tummy. That happens quite often to babies. I'm gonna need a urine sample to rule out an UTI and we'll keep her in observation for the next 4 hours until her test results come back." I nod. "As of right now, I'm not going to include any fluids or antibiotics. But I'm gonna keep an eye out. If she becomes lethargic, we might need to look into that."

"Okay."

As soon as the nurse comes to place the urine collector, she lets go of the nipple.

"She's gonna throw up." I warn and as soon as I warn the nurse, she starts vomiting and as an instinct, I catch it in my free hand to avoid it spilling everywhere.

Aside from Hayden's small discomfort noises, you could hear a pin drop.

"It's okay. You're okay, baby." I coo as the nurse brings me a recipient to dispose of her vomiting.

She washes my hand quickly as I hold on to the baby with the other. Once I dry it off, I adjust her better.

"I'm gonna have to give her some antiemetic medication to help her keep some milk down." She says.

After medication, we are left in an examining room to wait for test results.

As I pace the room with Hayden who's grown even crankier than before and now refuses to settle with anyone else but me, I start to feel the toll this is taking on my emotions.

I hold back as much as I can until eventually, Hayden falls asleep.

I place her into her portable bassinet that we brought along and I watch her little face.

Suddenly, a sob escapes my lips.

"She's okay, love. She's going to be fine." Harry says but the baby stirs and he goes to tend to her before she fully wakes up.

My mom backs me up into the corner instead.

"She's okay for now. Why are you crying?"

"I feel..." I hiccup. "Insufficient."

"We've all been there, honey. This isn't your fault."

"I know. But I feel useless. I can't do anything for her."

"Yes, you can."

"What?"

"You're already doing it. You're tending to her. Comforting her when she needs it. You stayed up all night to care for her and then, upon one hour of sleeping, you're up again to care for her. Everything that can be done, you're already doing it." She says and I hug her breaking down.

"I know. But I can't make her feel better."

"You're doing it already though. You're offering milk however she demands. You may not have noticed, but it's likely creamer and yellowish. It's building up to help her. Also, you brought her to see a doctor so she can make her feel better. You're doing everything in your power."

"Did you feel like this when Austin and I were kids too?" I asked.

"Absolutely. Even more so with you. You were my first. I didn't want to do anything wrong with you. I wanted you to have a perfect life so I tried for a long time to be a perfect mom."

"I had a perfect life with you."

"Oh, baby. No, you didn't. You also didn't need me to be perfect. You needed me to be me. Your mommy. I learned that eventually."

"I mean, that's true. But I did have a great life with you."

"I know. You were the happiest kid I had ever seen. But all the love and caring I had for you didn't prevent you from undergoing horrible situations as you grew up. You still got sick like every other kid. And you still got heavily ostracized in middle school. How do you think that made me feel?"

"It's over now."

"But it's not. Not all of it."

"I know. But I'm okay."

"I know. But I felt useless. Powerless. I couldn't help you. I couldn't make it stop. Couldn't make it better for you. And that was for middle school. How do you think I feel currently?"

"I know. But I'm okay now."

"My point exactly. This isn't forever. She'll get better. She's gonna be okay. Just like you turned out okay too. Even with everything going on currently, I know it won't last forever." 

"I hate seeing her like this. Unable to keep down my milk. Feels like I'm making her sicker."

"You're not, baby. She just needs some time. Okay?" I nod and she hugs me a bit tighter.

We resume waiting until Hayden is awake again within a half-hour of falling asleep.

This time though, I feed her and she finally keeps it down. Likely due to the medication she took but a victory is a victory and I'll take it.

When Dr. Wilson comes back hourly, she doesn't show signs of improvement other than keeping her milk down. But then again, it's not like she has much room to improve.

Still, she's rather cranky and irritated and sleeping very little considering her age.

"Keep feeding her on free demand. Even if she does eventually throw up, she needs milk to keep her energy levels and to help her fight whatever this is. Her antibodies at this point are made off of whatever is in your milk." She says in one of the visits to which I reply with a sigh and an "Okay."

Finally, results are back and relief shoots through me.

"So, her counts are a bit high, so she's definitely fighting some sort of bug. That's good news though. Given how she doesn't have a fever and her counts aren't high enough to classify as some of the most common and dangerous bacteria, that means her case is mild."

"Oh thank God." I say and she smiles.

"I won't yet prescribe her any antibiotics or fluids but I will prescribe an antiemetic for you to give her twice a day. One time before bed and one in the early morning. The rest of the day, she'll need to handle it herself. I don't wanna over medicate her when this could be handled otherwise."

"Okay." I say.

After that, we are finally sent home just after lunch.

When we get home, I decide the wisest thing to do at this point is to order in.

I settle with a chicken salad and orange juice.

As I head upstairs with Hayden while Harry and my mom figure out the rest of the ordering, I sit in bed with Hayden wide awake in my arms.

"Are you gonna fall asleep? Huh? So mommy can join you?" I say and she smiles a bit. Maybe the very first time she's sick won't be as bad as I'm thinking.


	51. In sickness and Wedding days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys... 
> 
> Another two chapters coming right up. 
> 
> Happy reading.

Oh, how wrong had I been thinking it wouldn't be so bad. 

Hayden barely got any sleep and therefore, I barely got any sleep. 

As soon as the salad came in, a nauseating feeling set itself on my stomach and by the next day, I figured I too, was coming down with this bug. 

I didn't catch a mild case whatsoever and instead, developed fevers and lots of vomiting paired up with some dehydration and I was feeling awesome. 

"How are you feeling?" My mom asks when she comes to check on me and I grunt. "Can you use your words?" 

"I feel like death." I tell her weakly. 

"Sounds about right." She chuckles as she holds a bottle of Gatorade for me to replenish my electrolytes. 

Turns out that vomiting profusely can actually mess up your milk production so not only was I sick, but I was also struggling with breastfeeding. You see, a hungry baby means a very much awake and mean baby and I learned that the hard way when Hayden's cries penetrated deep within my ears each time she'd wake up to nurse. 

"I can't anymore." I cry two nights after my initial symptoms. 

"You're okay, baby. It's alright." Harry soothes me quietly in the middle of the night.

"My baby is hungry and I have no more milk to feed her. It's not okay." I wail and he hugs me quietly. 

"It's okay, baby." He rubs my back. "She's okay. She's probably full. She just wants comfort." He says as I cry. 

"I'm exhausted and I feel sick and my stomach won't settle and my boobs hurt and I don't know what I'm doing but I know whatever it is, it's wrong." I wail.

"It's not, love. You're doing amazing. You're just tired, baby. You need some sleep." He says. "How about this. I'll take the baby and you stay in bed and catch some sleep? I'll bring her back in about 2 hours and that way you can rest enough to produce the milk she needs. How about that? Sounds good?" He asks and I nod as I wipe my tears.

"Sounds g-good." I hiccup. 

"Good." He kisses my hair and places me back on my pillow. "Get some sleep. I love you." He smiles and kisses me gently before he gets up to leave. 

His plan is a good plan but not completely flawless.

Hayden doesn't want to wait two hours to feed again. She's tired and cranky and hungry and whatever she wants in that state, she wants it NOW. 

So it doesn't surprise me when he breaks our deal and brings her back within an hour and a half. 

But it's okay. At least I got an hour of good sleep. 

An entire day on that routine though and Harry was exhausted, the baby was just as exhausted, and me... Well, I wanted to cease to exist for a day or two. 

There's no going around this. I need an ER visit after 4 days of feeling like complete shit. 

I feel a bit better after some fluids so I guess that was a good decision. 

After a 5 days course of antibiotics, I feel brand new. 

Hayden started to feel better by then too. 

Oh to be a mother and not be able to rest when sick because your baby needs you.

It was indeed hell, but I survived. We all did. 

Before I know it, it's Abigail's wedding month. She's getting married by the end of this month and we are scheduled to meet again to get to her makeup testing and to make sure all her bride's maids are on the same page hair and makeup wise. 

This is our first try so it's a lot of fun. 

After all the bride's maids are done, including me, mostly for the fun of it, we make a photoshoot to keep. Everyone but me was inebriated by sparkling drinks of champagne and an almost continuous flow of wine. 

It's insane how much fun it actually is to be doing this. 

"In a month I'll be Mrs. Lucier." Abigail says to me on the ride home. 

"Yeah. Can't believe it. I'm so happy for you." I smile as I wrap my arms around her as we stop at a street light. "We've finally made it, huh?" I say and she snorts.

"Apparently." She says. 

Not too long afterwards, it's her wedding week. She's having a destination wedding to Martha's Vineyard. 

It's a five hours flight. Hayden's first. I'm quite worried about that. 

"Honey, I think you overpacked." Harry says when he sees everything I've set apart to pack for Hayden. 

"I better have. I don't want Hayden to need something I can't get her because I forgot it at home." I say. 

"What could she possibly need? She's not even 4 months old and she's breastfed exclusively." He chuckles. 

"I don't know. I packed everything just in case." 

"Okay." He smiles at me as he bounces her in his arms. 

"I'm gonna run it again. Can you read me the list?" I ask and he nods. 

"Sure, love." He says. "Ready?" I nod. 

"2 blankets.   
2 beddings for her portable bassinet.   
1 pillow.  
2 pillowcases.   
2 baby towels.  
4 swaddles.   
5 burping cloths." He reads before he stops to look at me. 

"Why are taking all of this though?" He laughs. 

"Just read the list, please." I sigh and he chuckles. 

"10 pairs of pants.   
5 long-sleeved onesies.   
5 short-sleeved onesies.   
5 overalls.  
5 shoes.   
5 Head bows.   
3 hats.  
2 Hoodies.  
2 cardigans.   
2 wedding attending dress + shoes.   
5 pairs of socks.   
2 tights.  
1 pack of diapers.  
2 packs of wipes.

You are most definitely overpacking. What? Are you expecting her to poop 25 times a day?" He chuckles.

"Stop it. You're making me nervous. I'd rather be prepared." I whine. "Now read the rest." 

"1 liquid soap head to toe.  
1 lotion.  
1 perfume.  
1 sucker for the nose.   
1 pack Q-tips.   
1 Benadryl  
1 baby Tylenol.  
1 Benadryl cream.  
1 pacifier - Baby!!!" He looks up at me again. "She doesn't even take pacifiers." 

"It's just in case." I whine. 

"You're insane." He laughs. 

"1 repellent.  
1 rash cream.  
3 washcloths."

Wow. That is a lot of stuff." 

"I know. It's her first time flying though. I'm just scared okay?" 

"It's probably gonna be fine. Maybe some ear issues but likely, she'll be fine after landing." 

"I know. I just wanna make sure." I say. 

"You do realize we're gonna have to board with all of this, right?" 

"I'm aware." 

"Are you even allowed to take bottles?" 

"It's my plane. Of course it's allowed. You can't carry bottles through security for commercial flights. In this case, I'm boarding on my own plane, and therefore, there are no other commercial lives to be put at risk by the bottles I'll be boarding with." 

"Makes sense." He says. "But the transfer home-airport and then airport-hotel and back. I mean..." 

"I've rented us a car." I say. 

"There?" He asks. His eyes widen. 

"Yeah."

"I thought you'd want to go with your friends." 

"I have a baby. I don't want to be the party pooper for them. Babies are a hassle to travel with, especially because this is her first time." I say and he tilts his head. "And mine too. First time traveling with her so we're on trial and error." 

"I know. We'll live though." He says as he smiles. 

"But also, if there are any paps there, they'll follow Abigail knowing that I'm part of the bridal party, so staying away from her would be for the best to try and get to the hotel quietly."

"Yeah. You're probably right."

By the time the day comes, I'm a nervous wreck. 

"Come on, Harry. We're gonna be late." I say as I hurry around collecting our things to put by the door to be loaded into the car a little bit easier. 

"I'm almost done." He says as he goes back to find his shoes. 

Soon, we're packing everything into the car and again Harry chuckles about how over-packed Hayden actually is and how little I packed for myself. 

I had previously set up a security team to take us there and help us navigate the airport with her for the first time. 

It's rather hard and filled with paparazzi who had been picking up small clues from all Abigail's social media posts and her friend's too and eventually, placed together that I'd be at the wedding.   
Their first actual chance of snapping a picture of baby Hayden.

To avoid it though, I had her pressed tightly against my chest covered with a light pink, golden star-printed, blanket. 

Finally, we board the plane and I can breathe again.   
To Hayden, it's all fun and games until take-off when she cries her head off over her ears feeling the pressure. 

When she won't settle down even after take-off has stabilized, I let her nurse a bit and that seems to work. 

When we land though, it's right in the middle of her feeding and that sure has seemed to help her.   
She complained a bit but didn't cry much. 

When we unpack everything into the Range Rover I rented, we're finally heading to the hotel I've been dying to just rest on. 

When we make it to the hotel, Hayden is rather cranky and being kinda clingy too. 

We take a quick shower together before I put her down to a nap. It's 5:30 pm by the time she's out.

I have dinner plans with Abigail and all the other bridesmaids at 7 pm, so I start getting ready for that. 

Before I leave, I wake Hayden just enough to feed her a bit more so she won't be super cranky while I'm gone. 

"I'll be back by 11." I say to Harry as I place yet another kiss on his lips and he nods smiling.

When I'm out the door finally, I drive to the restaurant. 

When I meet them, half of the girls are already buzzed. 

"Am I late?" I smirk as I sit down. 

"They were early." Abigail says. "They've been drinking since the plane." She chuckles and I do too. 

We have dinner washed down with good wine and laid back chatting and storytelling. Well, except for me. Still sticking up to good 'ole juice. 

"How did you even manage to fool your parents with the no sex rule while banging the shoes right off of him?" Meerah asks. 

"A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do." She says and we throw our head back laughing. 

"By banging the shoes off of him anywhere but in her bedroom, that's how." I say and everyone laughs harder. 

"Oh my god." Carla says laughing hard. 

"Oh as if you weren't a bad girl yourself." Abigail laughs.

"I'm not. Don't know what you're talking about." I fake innocence. 

"Oh sure. Because we don't know how a baby is made." Adrianna says laughing. "Spill." 

"Oh, please. Let me tell ya." I put on my best southern accent. "When two people love each other very much, they plant a little seed together and that little seed grows into a baby." I say and when I finish, everyone is red to the face from laughing. "Y'all have such a dirty mind. I don't know how I'm even allowed to hang out with you guys." I say and we laugh harder. 

"Girl, with a guy like Harry... Innocent doesn't go in the same phrase with your name." Claire says and I blush. 

"Girl imma pretend I didn't just hear you say I'm naughty." I say and she laughs. 

"No details?" 

"None." I say as I take a sip from my juice's straw. 

"Fine. I'll go then." Claire says. "Rapha is a goddess." She says and everyone smirks. "Like, I think he makes me see colors I had never seen before." 

"That good?" Abigail asks. 

"Yep." 

"Dan is a goddess but his sex drive? Jeez." Anna says and everyone laughs. "Y'all bitches stop laughing. It's a serious matter. Dude won't even look at me except that once a week little quickie." She laughs. 

"Wait, you expected more?" Lana asks and they all laugh. 

"You don't?" I blurt out. 

"What? Girl. How many times for you?" Lana asks. 

"Well once a week too. But girly just had a baby not 4 months ago. She has none. Also, mine is normally not a quickie. I get the whole package." I say and they all laugh as I blush. "Please. Slap him across the face. Wake him up good or maybe knock some sense into him." I shrug. 

"Do you think he's cheating? Or maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore?" Claire asks.

"No. I think he just needs to get into his senses. You're gorgeous. He's likely just taking it for granted and stressing himself out with other things like work and stuff." I say. 

"Yeah." She sighs. 

"But. If he is, I'll kick his teeth in for you." Abigail says. 

"Yep. The teeth kicker will do that for you." I say and we go back to laughing. 

A lot of conversation goes on before my phone vibrates. 

"Sorry. I have to take this. It's Harry." I say.

"Go on... Go have some hot phone sex." They joke. 

"I still wonder how I'm the only one with a baby. Y'all got some fire under your skirts that is hard to match." We all laugh. "I'll be right back." 

I step outside quietly before answering with a "Hello." 

"Hi, love. You having fun?" He asks and I can hear the smile on his voice. 

"Yeah. A lot." I smile. "How are you guys doing?" 

"She's a bit cranky. I was wondering if it'd be okay to bathe her again. She's a bit sweaty."

"Sure. I don't see why not." 

"Where's her soap though?" 

"Second drawer in the bathroom." 

"Kay." 

"Everything else okay?" 

"Yeah. She's pouty but I think everything is okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Tay." He chuckles. "I'm sure." 

"Okay." 

"I love you. Have fun." 

"Love you." I say before hanging up. 

One second later 3 pictures pop up. 

One is Hayden pouting in Harry's arms, one is of her closing her little sleepy eyes, probably from earlier, and one is her napping on top of Harry's bare chest.

"Love you guys." 

  
  
I text quickly and he responds with the same. 

When I return, they're all laughing again but turn back to me as I sit down again. 

"Everything okay?" Abigail asks. 

"Yeah. Just a bit cranky." I say as I show them the picture of baby Hayden in Harry's arms pouting her little lips about to cry. 

A chorus of "oh my god" and "how cute." Is heard through the group before we resume the conversation. 

"Are you nervous?" I ask Abigail as we settle into our last drinks for the night. 

"Absolutely. But being with you guys made me feel a bit better." She says. 

"Was it worth it?" Meerah says. "Like, the whole road leading up to this." 

"I think so. Yeah. But I think I'll have a better answer with time." Abigail says and we all agree. 

"Guys, it's been lovely to be here with you, but I gotta head back. Harry's got Hayden but there's just so much he can do in my absence." I say. 

"Already? Nooo." Lana says. 

"We're having fun." Anna agrees. 

"I know. But I gotta get going. Told him I'd be home by 11. It's almost midnight. He's probably crawling over the walls since she gets rather cranky in the absence of one of us." I say. 

"Kiss those little chubby cheeks for me. Tell her I'm so excited to see her tomorrow." Abigail. 

"Will do. See you guys tomorrow." I wave bye and they wave back. 

I tiptoe into the room as everything is dark inside. The perks of not drinking anything other than juice includes not being tipsy upon returning to my room. 

I undress quickly and get into bed with Harry in a shirt and pajama pants. 

"How was it?" He mumbles into his pillow as I come closer to him.

"Great, actually. Had so much fun." I smile. "Did I wake you?" 

"No. I was watching TV until 10 minutes ago." 

"Ok." 

"What time do we have to get there tomorrow?" He asks. 

"1 pm." 

"Okay." He says. 

"Did she behave well?" 

"Well, yeah. But got rather cranky still." 

"Is she fed?" 

"Yeah." 

"Ok." 

"Good night, love." He says as he turns to hold me against his chest. 

"Night, babe." 

When morning comes, the girls meet up for breakfast but I skip it.   
Hayden will be having a hard enough time later. No need to leave her without me all day long rather than just the few hours of the ceremony. 

When I meet them, after lunch, Abigail is a ball of nerves and excitement. 

"Tay, I'm getting married." She says as I hug her. 

"You're getting married. I'm so happy for you." I say as I squeeze her. 

"Ughh. I'm so happy. But so nervous." 

"I know. But it'll be okay. Your wedding will be beautiful and I'll give you the best maid of honor speech anyone ever heard." I smirk. 

"I swear to God." 

"You'll love it." I say and she laughs. 

"Where's Hayden?" 

"With Harry outside. He's staying close by just in case." 

"Ahh. Wanted to see her." 

"I'll bring her in after my makeup and hair are done. She'll need to nurse anyway." I say and she nods. 

Hayden got rather complimented on her little look composed of a royal blue satin dress with a flower on the back, matching shoes with white tights, and a white and blue flower headband on the side of her head.

As I approach, the woman who was talking to Harry instantly smiles. 

"Is this your little girl?" She asks and I nod. 

"Yes ma'am." 

"Gorgeous little baby. Congrats. You two are gorgeous too. Guess she has someone to take after." 

"Thank you, ma'am." I blush bright red. 

I take Hayden back to the bride's lobby where we were all gathered and she's off to even more compliments and gushing before she grows restless and I have to feed her. 

She nurses for a good 40 minutes before she lets go feeling satisfied. 

I return her to Harry under minor protests from her and head back to be with Abigail. 

"What are you thinking about?" She asks as she catches my eyes fixated on one place. 

"Oh, nothing. I'm just so proud of you." 

"I know. But that's not what you had in mind." She says. 

Damn it. That's the price you pay for having someone who knows you so well. You can never lie to each other. Even if it's a protection lie. 

"I'm just terrified Hayden is gonna cause a scene at your ceremony. She's a bit cranky and doesn't want to settle down with Harry." 

"Do you need to keep her a bit more? It's okay if you wanna keep her here." 

"No. It's okay. She's well fed and he's good at distracting her with people and places." 

"Then you've got nothing to worry about." She smiles. 

"There's still a chance she'll cause trouble during the ceremony though." 

"Not an issue. I'm just so happy you're here to celebrate this moment with me." She cups my face. 

"Me too." I say as I caress her hands by my face. "Me too." We smile. 

We're right on schedule for the wedding. Sharp. Not Abigail. No. She's as late as one can possibly be. By we, I meant the bridesmaids. 

A knock on the door has Meerah on her feet to answer it. 

"Hi." I recognize the voice. "How are you? I'm Harry." He says as I look back to see them shaking hands. "Is Taylor here?" He asks. 

"Uhm. Yeah." She says. "Tay, your man and baby are here." She shouts and I grimace a bit. 

I show up by the door quickly and Meerah heads back. 

"Everything okay?" I ask instantly. 

"Yeah. Yeah. But, any chance you could feed her again?" He asks sheepishly. 

"Again?" 

"Well yeah. She's a bit cranky. I think she didn't have enough. Or maybe she burned through it already." He says. 

"Ok. But out there. Abigail is late already. I don't wanna make it worse by having a baby distract everyone." I say. 

"Ok." 

"Guys, I'll be right back." I say over my shoulder and they nod. 

"Where are you going to feed her?" He asks. 

"The bathroom, I guess." 

"I'll find you something for support." He says as he runs ahead. 

As I wait by the bathroom door, Harry runs back with a chair. 

"You stole a chair?" I snort. 

"For you." He grins proudly. 

"Thank you, my knight in shining armor." I smile and he kisses me lightly. 

"Do you wanna go in first? See if anyone's there?" He asks and I nod. 

No one's in the bathroom so he walks in to place the chair for me. 

He unzips me and then holds Hayden so I can pull the dress up and off my neck flashing my entire chest in the process.   
Had I known I'd have a baby at this point, I would've chosen a strapless dress rather than this one. Such a hassle and no support for breastfeeding. 

Harry pulls his jacket off and drapes it over my shoulders to at least have some of my dignity preserved. 

"I'll hold the door locked if you want." He says and he's dead serious. 

"Of course not. What if someone really needs to use the bathroom?" I say and shrugs. 

I look up at him and my first thought is that I lucked out on this one who's willing to steal chairs, hang out in the ladies' room and lock down the door to help me feel better about flashing myself out to just about anyone who walks in. 

Speaking of it, a girl walks in a few minutes later. She sees Harry first and taking a couple of steps towards the mirror, she sees me. 

I'm too nervous to do anything and Harry has got a permanent relaxed and laid back face these days. 

And the girl, though she seemed to have recognized us, also seemed to be too nervous for anything. 

She checked her makeup, washed her hands, and left. 

Both Harry and I burst out laughing.

Soon, Hayden is full again and I pass her back to Harry so I can tide myself up again. 

"I'll give the chair back and be right back." He says as we step out of the bathroom and I nod. 

When he returns, I'm softly telling Hayden to behave during the ceremony. It's important that she remains calm and quiet during the whole thing and not just a few parts. 

"I promise there will be no cries or rude interruptions from us. We'll be on our best behavior." He says as I pass her to him and I smile. "Also, you look gorgeous on that dress." He says and I blush slightly. 

"I love you." I say. 

"I love you too." He kisses my red lips again and with that, I'm off to be with Abigail again. 

In no time at all, it's showtime.   
Abigail is ready, Matt is ready. Everything is ready to go. We set it into motion. 

We head out as I hold out her light pink dress so as to not let it get dragged out on the floor. 

When it's time, I kiss her forehead lightly before heading back to my place. 

"I love you." I smile and she smiles too. 

"I love you too." She says as she squeezes my hand. 

I walk down the aisle with my bouquet of flowers as the ceremony is set into motion. 

I search for Harry and Hayden in the crowd and spot them sitting to the left where the bride's friends are and I smile brightly. 

The whole thing goes out in a blur and before I know it, we're all celebrating the cutest 'I do' of this year. Thankfully, with no interruptions from little ms. Hayden. 

Not long after that, I'm heading back out of the ceremony. 


	52. Forever Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. 
> 
> Happy reading.

The groom and the bride are taking the best regards now so I circle around to go with Harry and Hayden. The latter being fast asleep at this point. 

As I hug Abigail deeply when it's our turn, she squeezes me tightly against her. 

"Hope to be attending yours soon." She smiles at the words she said for just my ears. 

"Me too." I whisper back and she laughs. 

"We have so much to talk about that." 

"Not today, we do not. It's your wedding day. We'll talk about it when you get back." I say and she nods. "I'm so happy for you. Congratulations. May you live a beautiful life filled with love and laughter with Matt. May your wedding bliss last for a lifetime and may your love for each other last forever. If anyone deserves, it's you. I love you." 

"Thank you." She says as we let go finally. "I love you."

"Matt. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you two. So happy you get to share this new journey with my best friend and I'm so glad you make each other so happy. Congratulations. Hope you can celebrate life together for years and years." I say as I hug him.

"Thank you, Taylor." He says as we let go. "The blessing of the best friend... Pheeeww... I'm so glad." He says and we all laugh. 

"Guys. I'm so very happy for you two. My very best wishes are with you on this new journey. Once again, congratulations." Harry says and they both respond with a "thank you."

"Wish I could get a nice kiss from this cutie though." Abigail smiles as she caresses Hayden's cheek. 

"Oh, trust me. Plenty of time for that to happen." I say. "She'll be up soon. Better asleep than disrupting your wedding." I chuckle. 

"I told you, nothing to worry about." Abigail said. 

"It'd be the funniest interruption of a speak now or forever hold your peace though." Matt says and we all laugh. 

"Yeah." I say as I take Harry's arm. "Well, enjoy the ride guys." I say. 

"Thanks. Enjoy the party." Matt says and we nod smiling. 

"This was such a beautiful ceremony. Like, so elegant." Harry says as we are now sitting at one of the tables at the ballroom's reception.

"Yeah." I say as I look into his eyes. 

"Do you think you'd want something like this someday?" He asks and I slowly nod. 

"Yes." I say slowly smiling too. 

"Yes?" He asks wide-eyed. 

"You ask and then get surprised by the answer?" I say and he laughs a bit. 

"I was expecting a maybe, tops. Not a yes." He says quietly. 

"Maybe a few months ago, it would've been a maybe, but I've changed." I say and he nods. 

"Okay." He grins. "Good."

As the late afternoon progresses, it's time for my speech as the maid of honor. 

"So I lucked out in this life and met Abigail in freshman year of high school. We clicked instantly and became best friends." I start off. 

She's looking at me fondly not yet knowing how this will progress so her face is absolutely priceless when I hit the raunchy part. 

"She's running after him, there's falling, there's stumbling." They all laugh and Abigail is hysterically laughing.

"They make it to the bathroom and I hear sounds that I can never un-hear..." There's another loud round of laughs. "And then there's silence." Abigail is bright red at this point and we're all laughing so much no one's even tending to their drinks anymore.

"Then, they come out and pass me by and we look deep into each other's eyes before we silently commit to not speaking of this again. Until now." I say and they all laugh and cheer and applaud. 

"In all seriousness though. This fireball found me and made my life so much better and Brighter. We've been through so much together. You're my best friend. My sister and I love you so much. I can't believe how I got so lucky as to have you as a friend. You're amazing and you deserve all the happiness in the world. So here's to Abigail and Matt building their forever home in each other along with their happily ever after." 

I raise my glass and we all cheer and take a small sip of... Well, mine was sparkling water.

"That was the funniest speech I've heard in a wedding in a long time." Harry says as I come to sit down. "It was lovely." He says as he places a kiss to my cheek. 

"Thanks." I laugh.

Not long afterward, conversation is flowing freely on my table with all the other bridesmaids and their plus-ones. I'm having so much fun. 

We decide to dance a little and I catch up to the fact that having a baby put a big strain on my body and though she's almost 4 months and almost all the baby weight is gone now, I'm gonna need to work ou again and build stamina and resistance again sometime soon. 

When I sit back at the table, Hayden is already rather fussy. It's time to feed her again. 

After having Harry help me with this again but without the chair this time, I successfully feed her with Harry's jacket over my shoulders again so as to not flash anyone. 

Abigail's mom takes Hayden for a bit so Harry and I take this time to dance together this time.

'You're still the one' by Shania Twain is playing in a much softer, slower piano version. 

Harry takes my hand and wraps his other arm around my waist as I place my free hand over his shoulder. 

As we start to gently sway together over the dance floor, I get an alive reminder of why I love him and how I've come to believe he's the right one for me. 

The whole world just stops and I can't feel anything around me but his hands holding me gently against him. 

A slight shiver is sent down to my spine and I feel Harry squeeze me closer just the tiniest bit. 

Halfway through the song as we are dancing to our own rhythm and calmness as if this wasn't a wedding that happened to not be my own, I feel the most tender squeeze of my hand in his three times. It means 'I love you'. I gently squeeze back and he turns slightly to look into my eyes. 

"You truly, truly are the most beautiful woman alive inside and out. You know that?" He says and I blush. "I am so deeply in love with you I can't bear the thought of not finding you first thing in the morning for the rest of my life. You feel like coming home after the longest trip ever. I think this is what you mean when you say build a forever home." He says and my eyes widen. 

"Don't you dare." I warn and my heart races.

"I won't. I wouldn't want to steal Abigail's thunder. I just wanted you to know. You're my entire world and I love you so much and even if the world is blown to shit out there, I'll love you every day until the day I die." He says and I smile this time. 

When he presses his lips into mine, it's tender, sweet, careful, loving, slow, and just deep enough. 

I kiss him back with love and passion coursing through me, hopefully being conveyed into him.

We only break apart because Hayden makes plenty known that she's not happy being left with a bunch of people she barely knows without her parents. 

I look deep into his eyes as I encircle his neck with both my arms now. 

"I love you too. I've been loving you since we met. I feel safe with you and loved like never before. You're the one whose initials I'd gladly wear around my neck to show you how much I feel like I belong with you. You feel like coming home too. I'm building my forever home too. With you." I tell him seriously and he breaks into the softest smile I've ever seen. 

His hands around my waist tighten and the next thing I know, he's lifting me off the ground and spinning in delight. 

Once he puts me down again, I kiss him quickly again to seal our words of being a forever home to each other. 

Hand in hand we walk back to our table to find Hayden rather mad at us, apparently. 

Surprise, surprise. 

The little miss cranky learned how to pout properly and on-demand.

If it isn't the cutest thing ever, I don't know what is but her screams upon not getting to be held by me immediately isn't as cute. 


	53. A good time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys.
> 
> I was reminiscing this morning that just a little while ago, I was celebrating 1989 hits, now we're past 4k.   
> Thank you guys so much.   
> Here are a couple more chapters. 
> 
> Happy reading.

We leave the party a bit earlier than the rest because Hayden grows tired and restless and that's never a good combination. Especially when feeding her is such a hassle. 

"We should get going." I say to Harry while Hayden threatens to cry in my lap. "She's growing tired and restless." 

"Yeah." He says. "Are you just about ready?" 

"Yeah, I just have to head back to get some stuff I left back at the bridal party lounge." 

"Ok." 

After goodbyes to the friends we had at our table and both Abigail and Matt, we sneak out towards the lounge to fetch my stuff and head back to the hotel. 

Hayden has different plans though. As Harry carries her by my side towards the lobby, she grows irritated and wants to be carried by me instead. When I don't comply, she sets up to cry. Though she's young, she apparently knows how to protest. 

"Come on, baby. I fed you already. You can hold on until we get to our room." I whine but she doesn't care. I sigh. "Such a hassle." 

I sit down to feed her but she's not having it. 

She screams bloody murder when I try to pull her closer to nurse a bit. 

"She's probably just tired. We should go." I say and Harry nods. 

I collect all my things and put them back in my bag. 

Out in the parking lot, Harry puts everything in the car's trunk and I buckle Hayden in her car seat.   
Since she's restless, she won't settle once again. It takes a while and a lot of cuddling and patting to settle her down but eventually she does.   
I sit up front with Harry and he drives us back to the hotel. 

"Did you have a good time?" He asks as we pull out into the main street. 

"Yeah. So much fun." I smile. "Abigail was gorgeous. I'm so proud of her." 

"Your speech though." He laughs. 

"Too much?" I scrunch up my nose. 

"Not at all. Super fun. Best speech ever." He says and I laugh as my hand goes up to caress his hair. 

"I'm glad you could be here with me." I say and he looks at me quickly. "This whole wedding thing just made me realize how much I love you and how I'm so excited that we are together past our differences and fears and problems." I say and he turns slightly to kiss my wrist. 

"I love you. So much." He says. 

"I love you too." I say. 

The rest of the ride to the hotel is almost all silent with my hand carefully caressing his hair. 

About ten minutes before we reach the hotel, Hayden is crying once again. She must be exhausted so I sympathize with her.   
I reach back to caress her hair to let her know she's not alone since she can't see us. That seems to help a little bit. 

When we reach the hotel, I pick up Hayden and Harry picks up our bags. 

Once we're up in the room, I head to quickly bathe Hayden while Harry picks up clothes for her. 

"Did you have a busy day baby?" I coo at her. "Did you have fun at Aunty's wedding? Huh? And you hung out with daddy all day. That was fun. Right?" I say and she gurgles at me. "You're such a cute baby." I say. "But let's get going. You need some sleep." I say. 

Once I'm done and she's dressed and fed, I leave her in her bassinet to fall asleep. 

I head into the bathroom to get my makeup off and shower. Soon I feel Harry's arms wrapping around my waist from behind as I gently clean up the makeup from my eyes. 

"Are you gonna shower soon?" He asks as I open my eyes.

"Yeah. Just finishing off." I say. 

"Can I shower with you?" He asks and I nod. 

Once we're in the shower, I wash my hair with shampoo and leave it in conditioner for a minute. 

Harry seems exhausted and is just standing under his showerhead letting the water run down his hair. 

I gently reach over and pull him towards me. 

"Are you ok?" I ask. 

"Yeah. Just tired, I guess." He says and I place a gentle kiss on his face. 

"Do you want me to wash your hair?" He nods. 

I place some of my own shampoo in my hands and gently rub it on his scalp. Calmly massaging his scalp as he just stands with his eyes closed. 

Once I feel it's enough, I back him up into his shower head to wash off. I put some conditioner into his hair and leave it there for a few minutes as I rinse mine and wash myself. 

Once I'm done with myself, I tell him to rinse his hair too as I put some of my soap on a washcloth to wash his back for him. 

"This is so relaxing." He says as I rub his back with soap.

"I know. You do that a lot for me." I smile. "Do you want a massage?" He nods so I comply and gently press his back with my hands for a while. 

After washing him off with soap again to get the oil out, we head out of the shower. 

The night is a bit chilly so we turn the thermostat up a bit for Hayden's sake. 

When we finally do lay in bed with our hairs brushed but still damp from the shower, Harry sighs as he stares at the ceiling. 

"I had fun today." He says. 

"But?" I ask apprehensively. 

"But handling her all day without you was so hard. I'm so tired." He says. 

"I know how that is. But mostly it's because we're not home. Different space, different people, different routines... That's a recipe to get her cranky and hard to deal with." 

"But shouldn't I be better at it than this?" 

"You were perfect though." I say. 

"Yeah, but I'm exhausted." 

"Just like I am every single day after handling her all day." 

"Do you feel like this too?" He asks. 

"Everyday." I smile. "It's normal. She's a baby. She's bound to be a lot of work solely because of that reason. It's nothing you did wrong or failed to do. She's just too young. It's age-related rather than parenting related." 

"I guess." 

"I love that you're such a good daddy to her." I whisper. "I love that you're not scared to handle your own child."

"It's literally my job as a parent though." 

"I know. It's literally my job to be her mom too, yet, you praise me for it every day. See how that works?" I chuckle. 

"Yeah." He smiles too. 

"You're amazing with her. At the end of the day, that's all she needs. To be loved and cared for and you're doing just that." 

He scoots down a bit to lodge his face in my neck as I hold him close. 

After a while in silence, he places a few soft kisses on my neck.   
Soon, his hand rests on my hip.   
It doesn't take long for his kisses to grow desperate and urgent. 

"Babe, not tonight." I tell him. 

"Why?" He whines. 

"The baby is right there." I giggle as his hand quickly grabs one of my boobs. 

"I know. But she doesn't know what's up." 

"What if she does?" I ask and he lifts his head to stare at me. 

"Are you kidding me? That kid sometimes can't tell the difference between your nipple and my finger." He laughs and I do too.

"Point taken." I say as his mouth roams free on my skin again. 

"Want me to stop?" He asks after a while of us just kissing and caressing each other. I shake my head quickly and he laughs. 

"You were so beautiful at that wedding." He says. "Your dress complimented your skin and your lips... Jeez. It was driving me crazy that I couldn't just bend you over some table somewhere like we used to do before." He says and places a particularly hard suck on the underside of my boob. 

"Don't mark me." I whine. 

"No one's gonna see it though." 

"I know. But you start in my boobs and next thing I know, there's a huge hickey on my neck that I didn't even feel you do because I was too busy trying not come untouched from how you handle my body." He laughs.   
"Stop. You're gonna wake the baby." I whine and he laughs harder. "Stop. This is embarrassing." I cover my eyes and he kisses my face around it. 

"I'm sorry. I'll stop." He says after laughing for a good minute. "I'll stop. I promise." He says and I slowly bring my hands down and he just stares at me for a while so I stick my tongue out at him in a fast motion. He laughs a bit and kisses me again. 

"You weirdo." I say and he grins. 

"You're adorable." He places a gentle kiss on my lips.  
"Seriously though. That'd be hot as fuck." He says. 

"What?" 

"Making you come untouched." He says and the glint in his eyes tells me an idea popped up in mind. 

"No. Not a chance." I say. 

"Why?" He whines. 

"Such a hassle." 

"But it'd be so..." He takes a deep breath. "Fun." He releases.

"Frustrating. That's the correct word." 

"Come on. It'd be fun." 

"For whom? For me, it sounds like endlessly edging. Like being so close to it but not reaching." I say. 

"Would it be painful?" He asks. 

"I don't know. I've never achieved it before. Don't even know if it's possible." I say. 

"Who did you try this with?" He lifts half his body to look at me. 

"Did you really... Just ask me this?" I say. "You don't want to know." 

"You're probably right." He says. 

"I haven't, you dork." I say as I feel the heat on my cheeks. 

"For reals?" I nod. "First. Please?" 

"Not tonight. Maybe some other time when Hayden isn't sleeping just right by the end of the bed." 

"Okay." He says. 

To him, the promise of a maybe is enough so he settles down. 

"Do you wanna come touched then?" He smirks and I roll my eyes. 

His lips make contact with the skin on my neck again until he goes down to meet my breast. 

"Do you need to feed her?" He asks. 

"Not yet. Soon." I say. 

"Is it ok if I just..." He trails off. 

"Yeah. Go ahead. Just not hard to avoid triggering it." 

"Okay." 

A low moan escapes my lips while he gently flicks my nipples over with his tongue. 

"Please, inside." I say breathlessly. 

In a second my pants and underwear are gone and so are his boxers. 

When he enters me that night, it's slow, quiet. Calm and lovingly. 

Our pants invade the room and my anxiety of waking the baby mid-act is long gone. Much like a switch, Harry just manages to turn it off for the time being by filling my head with wonderful thoughts of how I love belonging with him. 

When I reach climax Harry follows in an instant and crumbles on top of me breathing hard. 

"Are you okay?" He asks after a second. 

"Yeah. That was intense and amazing." I say. 

As he falls to his side, I get up to go to the bathroom. As soon as I return wearing new underwear and an oversized shirt and head into bed again, Hayden wakes up. 

"Right on schedule." He chuckles and I groan. 


	54. Something Wrong

The next day we have lunch with all the bridesmaids and their pairs and Abigail and Matt before heading home.

A few weeks after we return home, Harry starts recording the songs he finished writing back in New York. 

He'd leave in the morning and return home somewhere at the end of the afternoon until eventually, after a few weeks, his demos are ready. 

I have yet to hear any of the songs so far and to be honest, I'm growing a bit restless. With everything that's been going on, I'm scared he's going to make an album about someone else and stir conversations about it that I'm not yet willing to have. 

One day he comes home with a different look on his face and, try as I might getting him to talk, he just won't. 

"What's wrong?" I whisper later that night while his arms encircle me. 

"Nothing is wrong." He says and I feel his hot breath close to my face. 

"Something is wrong. You just won't tell me." I say and I sense him tensing.

"Love, there's nothing wrong." 

"Did I do something wrong?" 

"What-" 

"Or maybe you read something online. Is that it?" 

"Of course not." He says as he reaches over me to turn on the lights. 

"You keep saying no to everything but I know something is up. You're starting to scare me." I say as he stares into my eyes while supporting his weight in his elbow. 

"Love, I promise, there isn't anything wrong. Okay? It's just some stuff with my music. It's ok." He says. 

"Ok." I whisper swallowing back the tears I feel in my throat. 

"I'll show them to you soon." He says and I nod still looking up at him. "Are we cool?" 

"You tell me." I say. 

"We're cool." He says. 

"Then I guess we're cool." 

He places a gentle kiss on my lips and proceeds to look into my eyes again. He's trying to read my face. 

After a few seconds, he reaches over me to shut the lights again. 

I turn my back to him that night and feel his armrest on my stomach instead. 

It's not that I'm particularly mad at him. It's just that if I keep myself too close to him, I'll end up overthinking and sending myself into an out of control spiral. I'd rather not. 

In the middle of the night, Hayden wakes up and I get up to get her. She seems to be in no mood to go back to sleep whatsoever, so I keep playing with her for a while before Harry comes looking for me. 

"Everything okay?" He asks from the doorway rubbing his eyes. 

"Yes." I say. 

"Why is she up?" 

"Guess she was a bit lonely." I shrug but don't look up at him.

"Love, are you mad at me for a problem that you made up in your mind?" He asks. 

"You did not just tell me I'm insane." I say looking up at him. 

"That's not what I mean, Tay." He sighs. 

"Just go to bed." I say. 

"Do you want any help?" He asks. 

"No." 

"But-" 

"I've got this. It's fine. I got her." I tell him. "Go to bed." 

He turns back and goes into our bedroom. I want to sleep anywhere but in there with him but i figure that might actually be too much so instead, I quietly walk in once Hayden is back asleep and get under the covers on my side not failing to notice he decided to sleep on his side tonight rather than cuddling into mine like he normally does.

When morning comes though, his arms are once again around me and he's tightly pressed into my side. 

Hayden's gurgles can be heard through the monitor and if I don't go there soon, it'll turn into cries so I quietly get up and head into her room. 

"Hi, sweet girl. Did you sleep well?" I coo at her. "Did you have nice dreams?" She smiles. "I'm gonna go ahead and take that as a yes." I smile at her too. 

When I pick her up she instantly turns to search for my breast. 

"Eager this morning huh?" I say as she continues to search for her food source. "Are you hungry?" I ask as I sit at her rocking chair. "Mommy's got a lot of milk for you." I say and she lets out a little scream. "Okay. You got it." I say as I lift my shirt and help her latch on. 

She feeds for about 50 minutes before she starts to get sleepy again.   
As she's almost done, Harry comes up by the door. 

"Morning, love." 

"Morning." I say without looking up. 

I hear his steps coming closer before I actually see him. I refuse to look up though. 

"Are we fighting? Is this us fighting now?" He kneels before me and his eyes stare into mine. 

"No." I say simply. 

"If you don't talk to me, I can't help or understand you." 

"Funny. I could say the same thing." I say and he sighs again. "You know what? This isn't the time nor the place." I tell him and he nods. 

He launches forward and places his lips in mine as his hands, once propped up on my knees, now caresses my face.   
My eyes close on their own accord. Say what you will but I can't resist him. He melts me every time. 

"I love you." He says. 

"I know." I look into his eyes. "I love you too." 

He kisses me again and this time his tongue asks for entrance. 

"Nope." I say simply as I break the kiss. 

Hayden snaps her eyes open and lets go of my breast with a pop. Milk follows her mouth though and, guess what? After 4 months, it still surprises her that if she suckles and lets go of the nipple, milk will spray her in the face.   
She cries instantly startled by the spray. 

"I swear to god. This kid." Harry laughs and I do too. 

As I get up to clean her and get her into new diapers since we're at it, Harry takes over from me. 

The milk actually sprayed her good and soaked her shirt. He dresses her in a new shirt and then changes her diaper as she complains the entire time. 

"Girl, Mumma is just right there. What are you talking about?" He asks as she complains loudly. "You'll get more milk. Chill." He says and she cries a bit. "Girl, I swear you're something else." He smiles. 

Once she's changed he brings her back to me and as soon as I lift my shirt again, she latches on like a shark. 

"Easy there, baby shark." I tell her as I rub her cheek and she eases up a bit. 

She's almost full though so really, she's nursing more out of comfort-seeking than hunger. Soon her eyes close and she's fast asleep.   
I burp her over my shoulder and put her down in her cot to sleep a bit more. 

"I'm gonna skip today. Maybe we should talk a bit." Harry says. 

"Got anything to tell me?" I ask him and he looks puzzled. "Then you shouldn't skip. There's nothing to say anyway." I say as I walk past him and out of the room. 

Breakfast is a weird affair. It's 7:30 am. 

"I hate it when you're mad at me." 

"I hate being called insane." I shrug. 

"I didn't call you insane." He defends. 

"No. You just said that I invented a problem in my head which to me, sounds like just about the same thing." 

"Listen, I'm not trying to make you mad. There isn't a problem. I'm fine. You're fine. Why are we fighting?" He asks. 

"We're not. I'm just eating breakfast." I say nonchalantly and he sighs rubbing his face. 

"The way that you can absolutely kill me inside though." He says. "I love you. Keep that in mind." 

He leaves after breakfast and returns a bit early. About 2 hours after lunch.

"I'm so tired." He says as he plops down on the couch by my feet after he showered. I don't respond anything to it. What exactly am I supposed to say anyway? 

He climbs up on top of me and lays his head on my stomach as I spread my legs to make room for him. He nuzzles his face a bit and straightens my shirt with his hands trying to get comfortable. 

I continue to just read my book without actually paying much more attention to what he's doing. 

He turns the tv on and mutes it. 

"You can leave it up. I don't mind." I tell him. 

"It's ok. I just like to look at the images. I'm too tired to pay attention." He says. "But I'm not too tired for you." He says as he looks up at me and places a kiss on top of my shirt to each of my boobs. 

"Are you seriously trying to get into my pants right now?" I ask. 

"Why? As good of a time as any." He says as he kisses a bit higher on my nipples through the shirt. 

"I'm really not on the mood." I sigh as I look at him. 

"Still about this morning?" He asks. 

"Forget it. Okay? I'm just not on the mood." I say sharply. 

"Okay." He says in defeat.

He starts to get up so I lock my legs around him to keep him in place. 

"You-" he cuts himself off. "You're so confusing sometimes." He sighs holding his weight up with his elbows as my legs are still locked around him. "You say you don't wanna have sex, I motion to leave and you lock me in. What the hell Tay?" He asks. 

"Is sex the only reason you ever get close to me?" I ask as a bit of hurt sips into my voice. 

"You know that it's not." He softens. 

"I just want you close." I say.

"Okay." 

"I'm just worried." 

"About what?" 

"That something is truly wrong and you won't tell me because you're trying to protect me." I say and he looks down. 

"Listen, there's nothing specifically wrong. I'm just a bit anxious. My songs are almost ready so I'm anxious about them that's it." He says as he pulls himself closer to plant a kiss on my lips. 

"I haven't heard anything yet." I whisper. 

"You will. I promise." He says as he places another kiss. 

"Is it about someone else?" I whisper as tears form in my eyes. "I know I said I'd cheer you on even if your album wasn't about me, and I stand by that." I hurry to say. "But a heads-up would be nice. To give me time to prepare for how this is gonna play out." I say. 

"Love..." He says as his hands brush some of the tears off my face. 

"I just wanted to know." I say and he places his weight on top of me in order to hug me. 

"Love, no. I wouldn't do that to you. I mean, some of the songs aren't about you at all, but they're not about someone else either. They're just my imagination." He says. 

"But you haven't told me anything." I say. 

"Love, do you even know who you are?" He lifts up to look at me again. "You're Taylor fucking Swift. If you listen to my music and you say it's crap do you really think I'd survive?" He asks. "I'm nervous as fuck." 

"I would never do that." I say. 

"Not with your voice and definitely not intentionally." He says. "But I really want you to like this. I look up to you a lot." He says. "Soon. Okay?" I nod. "Is this what you were worried about?" 

"Yeah." I say as I clean my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. 

"Has this been on your mind for long?" He furrows his brows. 

"Yeah." I admit as I cover my eyes again. 

"Look at me." He demands but I truly can't as the tears are back again. Now I feel stupid. "Love..." He whispers as he hugs me again this time turning me on my side so he can drop to the side too and no longer put weight on top of me. 

He holds me tightly into him as I cry silently.  
Once I'm calm enough, he speaks again. 

"Are you okay?" He asks and I nod. "Can I please see your face now?" He asks and I shake my head. "Why?" 

"Because I'm embarrassed." 

"But why?" 

"I was being stupid. I seem to fall prey to that trap a lot." I say. 

"It's ok. Look at me." He says as he tugs my hands off my face. "I love you." He says now staring into my eyes. "I love you with my whole heart and my whole soul. I would never, in a million years, do that to you." He says and a few tears escape my eyes again. "I would never write songs about girls that aren't you. Some of the songs in there aren't about you at all, true, but that doesn't mean they're about anyone in particular. It's a general idea." He says. "Okay? I would never do that to you." I nod. 

"I'm sorry." I say as I hold on to his hand that rests gently on my face now. 

"It's ok." He says. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything and ended up creating this whole doubt in your mind." 

"You didn't do anything." 

"I'm sorry I didn't catch this before." He says. 

"It's not your job to do that." 

"But I'll do it because I love you and I don't want you to ever feel like this." 

"I love you." I say and he kisses my lips.

This time, I allow his tongue in. When we break the kiss for air, I nudge him a bit until he makes room for me to snuggle into his neck. 

Sleep overcomes me and when I wake again, he has started dinner and is now playing quietly with Hayden in her playpen by the side of the couch. 

I watch them for a while until Hayden grows restless and cranky. It's time for her to be fed so I sit up.

He places a gentle kiss on my lips before he places her on my lap. As she latches on, he scoots towards the back of the couch and I lean my back into him. He places a kiss on my hair as his hands rest around both me and Hayden. 

Once again, all's well. 


	55. Got milk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for the night. 
> 
> \- WARNING -   
> For this chapter, I wanted to bring up an issue per my best friend's request, because at the time when I wrote this, she just had a baby and she thought her relationship was doomed because her husband had to help her with engorged boobs.   
> So I put a line to separate the part in which I described Harry helping Taylor with the same issue.   
> If you think you might not like that, go ahead and skip the part in between the lines. It doesn't really compromise the flow of the chapter. 
> 
> BTW, yes, my best friend has been reading this entire story as a "Congrats on your new baby" gift. LMAOO
> 
> Happy reading. :)

Before we know it, October 22nd rolls around. 

"I'm so nervous." I say and Harry smiles. 

"You were nervous at the Grammys too and look how that turned out." 

"I missed a note and cried." I deadpan.

"And nobody seems to have noticed it but you." He says. 

"I was a wreck then." 

"You were pregnant and hormonal then." 

"Right." I say. "But I'm still nervous. What if they hate me?" 

"They don't hate you." He chuckles. 

"Don't laugh. I'm serious." I whine. 

"I'm aware of how serious you are." He says. "You'll kill it though. I know it." 

"What if they hate me?" 

"They won't. I mean, they came, right?" 

"Yes but-"

"They're gonna love you. No buts." He says as he brings me closer to his chest again. 

"And what about Hayden? She's so little. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this." 

"I got her. She has a daddy and a loving set of grandparents to tend to her while you're out there. Plus, it's only for a couple of hours. She'll live." He says and I nod. 

"Tomorrow it'll be all over tabloids and the internet how much weight I gained." I sigh into his chest. 

"It's a good thing we don't buy tabloids then and tomorrow we stay offline, love." He completes as I go to protest again. "It'll be alright. Remember you love this. Ok? This isn't supposed to feel like a chore. You do this because you love doing this and it's okay to love something outside of Hayden's existence. Okay?" I nod. "Now go get them. I love you." He says as he pats my butt a few times to get me moving. 

"I'm not due for another 15 minutes." I say. 

"Go say bye to Hayden then. I know you want to." He says and I crack a smile before letting him go to walk outside the bathroom we were in. 

As I pick up Hayden, she seems to sense my uneasiness as she's now very clingy and unsettled. 

"Mommy is gonna go do this baby." I say to her and she cries. "oh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. No. Please, don't cry. I'll be back soon." I say as I rock her gently. "I have to go out there but I'll be back soon. I promise." I say and she looks up at me with her big blue eyes threatening to cry again. "Mommy will be back soon. Okay?" I say and she complains a bit. "I gotta go. You be good for your daddy and your papa and nana, okay?" I say and I gently trace her little face. "I gotta go, baby." I say and she cries again and I almost follow her into it. "I'll be right back." I say as I hug her to my chest. 

I pass her over to Harry now as he quickly places a kiss on my lips. 

"Good luck." He says smiling. 

When I step feet into that stage, I feel electrified once again.   
Long gone are any thoughts about how my reputation is currently shit and how my name is literally worth nothing.   
Long gone are any thoughts about how the crowd might not like me.   
Long gone are any thoughts of giving up entirely.   
When the crowd goes wild, I know this is where I belong. 

I'm dressed all in black with a one-piece with lots of sequins on it. 

I feel on top of the world though my black boots aren't as high as they used to be during the 1989 tour. 

Just before I'm halfway through the show, I have a short intermission and I run to meet my family backstage. 

"You're doing amazing, honey." My mom says as she kisses my cheek. "I'm so proud of you." 

"Yep. You're killing it." My dad says. 

"Told you you had nothing to worry about." Harry says and I smile. Hayden is fast asleep in his arms. 

"Is she doing okay?" I ask. 

"Yeah. But I'm afraid she's heard you live enough times that she now associates your singing voice to sleepy time." He snorts and I laugh. 

"I was hoping to feed her for a couple of minutes. My boobs hurt a bit." I tell him. 

"I can wake her up." 

"No. That's ok. It isn't too bad." I say. 

Oh, how I was actually wrong.   
I went back to the show and it was wild. Amazing.   
But I was so excited about the whole thing that I completely forgot to calculate the time between the intermission and the ending.   
If I had, I would've known that I couldn't hold off on feeding her for that long after my breasts already signed that it was too full. 

I get called backstage through my earpiece now. Hayden won't calm down. 

We saw that coming though so my dancers and band take over in a solo presentation and that gives me about 15 minutes. 

"What's wrong?" I ask as soon as I walk into my dressing room to Hayden's screams. 

"She refuses to settle. I think she's hungry." Harry says. 

"Did you give her the bottle?" I ask.

"Yeah. She only took half." 

I pick up the bottle again, set her on my lap with a pillow separating her from my breasts, (because I've learned that she can smell my milk, and every time she does, she won't take the bottle.), and give her the bottle. She takes the entire thing this time so I set it aside and sit her up a bit to burp her. 

When she does burp, she spits up a bit on my hand that was currently holding her up by supporting her little chest. 

"Oops." I say instantly. "It's ok. It's just my hand. Get me something to clean this up." I say to everyone's gasps in the background. 

When I bring her closer to my chest to support her while I clean my hands, the unexpected happens. 

Hayden turns her head toward me and a second later empties her stomach's contents onto me. 

"Oh my god." I say as I freeze and close my eyes. 

"Honey, your outfit. Oh..." My mom says. 

"Jeez. Ew. Soaked right through my bra and underwear." I whine. "Somebody help me." I say. 

Hayden, who got startled by the whole vomiting stunt she just pulled, has now resorted back to crying. 

Harry picks her up and we realize the mess is bigger than we thought. 

"Get me some paper towels, please. There's a significant amount of it on my lap. I don't wanna drop it on the floor." I say.

"On it." My dad says.

"I'm gonna go see what can be done about your outfit." My mom says. 

This time I feel like crying. It isn't her fault but it sure as hell is an inconvenience.   
I can't help but think that maybe, I shouldn't be doing this anyway. She's just too young. 

My dad returns with the paper towels and places them on the floor underneath my feet. 

As I get up upon my mom's arrival with a new outfit, a blob of vomit hits the ground. 

"Ugh. Disgusting." I say and they all laugh. 

"What do you wanna do?" My mom asks. 

"I'm gonna shower real quick. I think it's the easiest way to clean this up." 

"Okay." 

Everyone else leaves and so it's just me, my mom, Harry, and Hayden. 

"Maybe I should take her too." I say and Harry nods and soon proceeds to undress her too. 

I pick her up to go shower with her and she's instantly turning in search of my breast. 

"Nope. Miss. Not right now." I say and she complains as if understanding what I meant. 

I enter the bathroom with her and Harry and quickly he helps me wash her and myself without completely ruining my makeup or my hair. 

When I come out, my mom is ready with new and clean outfits for both of us. 

I'm gonna be late, I already know that. But Hayden is really hungry now and I can't deny my baby of food. 

Before we get dressed, I put on a robe as Harry puts her in a diaper and onesie, I sit down and carefully feed her for 15 minutes.  
That'll get her to the end of the show. 

It doesn't do anything to help me though.   
Instead, now I have to wear pads because milk is leaking and won't stop until she feeds a bit more.   
But I'm already 10 minutes late as it is. I wouldn't want to make it worse. 

I get dressed hurriedly to head back out. 

"Ow. My boobs hurt." I tell my mom as she helps me button down the new outfit.

"Maybe you should feed her a bit more, honey." 

"Don't have the time. 5 minutes is not enough. It'll make it worse. It'll make it leak more." 

"What are you gonna do?" 

"Nothing. I think I can hold off until I'm done." I shrug. 

I head back out over 15 minutes late. They were watching some of the videos I always set aside for things like this. 

When I step feet onto the stage and sing the next song, they go wild. 

When the song is done though, I decide to address my tardiness. 

"So, I'm so sorry I was late." I say and they all scream. 

"A queen is never late. We were early!" I hear someone scream and I laugh a bit. 

"Well thank you. Way to make me feel better." They all scream again.   
"But here's the thing. I was only planning on one intermission for this event. But as you know, I just had a baby a few months ago."   
Everyone screams so loud I have to wait until the noise dies down. I can hear them through my earpiece.   
"So I just had a baby and tonight, she had other plans." They all laugh.   
"So, I was called backstage because she was crying and wouldn't settle. So I went there to calm her down." A chorus of 'aw' resounds in the venue.  
"Yeah. She's the cutest ever. But tonight she had different ideas. I fed her the rest of her bottle that she had refused to take with anyone else and as I went to burp her, she went full exorcist on me." Everyone laughed so hard it was funny to hear.   
"It's funny but I'm serious. Kid literally covered me in vomit. So I had to shower and feed her again because now she was cranky and hungry." They laughed again.   
"So anyway, I just wanted to apologize for my tardiness and explain the reason why." Everyone screamed as loud as they could.   
"I'm gonna go ahead and take that as a sign of forgiveness." I say and they all scream louder.   
"So, this next song..." I continue the show on. 

Before I know it, it's done. 

When the show was finally over, I went backstage practically in tears as I couldn't even move my arms anymore.

"What's wrong?" My mom asks as soon as she spots me. 

"My boobs." I say as I hold on to them. "Help me get out of these clothes." I tell her and she comes to help me. 

When she undoes the first few buttons, I almost cry. It was constricting my chest and now that it's halfway released, it's rather painful. Though, that was nothing compared to what I felt when I took off my bra. That was torture. 

"Oh my god." I say quietly as I hold both my breasts in my palms to soothe them. "They're hot. Is that normal?" I ask my mom.

"Probably. But I don't know." 

"I've never had anything like this happen before." I say. 

"Go shower so you can feed her." My mom says and I comply.

Once out of the shower, dressed in underwear and a robe, I wait for Harry to bring her to me since she was fast asleep in her bassinet.

She wakes up and realizing that it's me, she smiles and I smile back at her.   
I try to help her latch on but she just can't seem to get it right.   
Instead, each time she just keeps latching on wrong and letting go after suckling just once.   
She was growing rather frustrated at this and I was growing desperate. 

"Come on, baby. You can do it. Mommy really needs to get rid of all this milk. Please?" I gently guide her mouth back to my nipple but she can't seem to do it until she grows frustrated and just cries. 

"What's wrong?" Harry asks as he had been silently watching the whole ordeal. 

"I think it's too full. She can't latch on properly." I sigh. "When she does get an almost good grip, she lacks the patience to wait for the milk break down and come in." I say. 

"Can you spray it so she knows it's there?" 

"If I squeeze my breast right now, I'm gonna die. You have no idea how tender this actually is." I sigh. "Come on, Hayden... Please." I plead but she's not having any of it. 

Every attempt I make to guide her back to the nipple is blocked by her little hands pushing me away. Which wouldn't normally discourage me but at this point, if she breathes wrong near my breast, I'm cowarding back in pain. 

"Honey, you need to pump some of it out." My mom says. "Did you bring your pump with you?" I shake my head no. "Honey..." She says. "You're not gonna make it home in this state. You need to make her nurse at least a little bit. Maybe try and spray her mouth a little bit as Harry said." 

"I really, truly can't squeeze this right now. I'm not kidding. This is really painful. Touching it is already a lot. I can't bear the thought of squeezing it." I say. 

"I don't know how to help then. Do you want me to have dad go buy you a new pump?" 

"No. Harry can do it manually with hot water." I say looking up at him and he nods slightly. "Will you come to help me?" I ask and he nods. 

"Yeah. Sure." 

I give Hayden to my mom and head into the bathroom with Harry. 

"Please, do it gently. I swear I'm gonna pass out if you squeeze it too hard." 

"Don't worry." He says smiling as he sets the shower to a proper temperature. 

"I feel feverish." I tell him as I sit back on the sink. 

He comes to touch my forehead. 

"Hm. You're not." He says standing in between my legs. "Can I touch it?" He asks motioning to my breasts. 

"Yeah. But please, be careful." I whine and he nods. 

"Love, they're much harder than last time we did this. And hotter." He says. 

"I know." 

"You should've fed her at least a bit more. Maybe 5 more minutes." 

"I know." I gently lean forward into him as tears threaten to fall. "This really hurts." I say. 

"I know, love." He says as he places a gentle kiss on my head. "Come on. Let's get this over with." He says and I stand up from where I was seated. 

As soon as Harry sprays me with the hot water from the showerhead, I jump back and yelp in deep pain. 

"I can't." I sob as Harry chases me with the showerhead.

"Baby, it won't work without the water. Come here." 

"I can't this really hurts a lot." I say and he nods.

"Ok. Ok. Come here." He says as he turns off the shower. I step forward into the towel he had ready for me and he helps me dry off again. 

"What am I gonna do now?" I cry into his chest as my hands gently hold the weight of my breast to avoid feeling the pain of the pressure applied by gravity. 

"Come here, I have another idea." 

"No squeezing." I whine. 

"Ok. No squeezing." He says and I follow him into the main part of the bathroom. 

He picks up some of the other towels I had set there for when the show was over. 

"No hot towels either." I say. 

"That's not what this is for." He says. 

He places the towel on the sink folded like a seat. 

"Hop on." He says. 

He helps me sit up. 

"This is probably gonna hurt a bit but I think it's best to get it over with now than to wait and have to use the pump later." He says. 

"What are you gonna do?" I ask as he stands between my legs again. 

"I'm gonna suck it out." He says and I shudder. 

"That'll hurt." I whine. 

"I know but at this point, it'll hurt regardless." He says. 

"I know." 

"Can I do it?" He asks and a few more tears drop from my eyes. 

"Yeah." I rasp out. 

* * *

He gently opens my towel again to expose my breast.   
He positions himself with a little stool that I had there to help with makeup and a little cup that once held my make-up pencils is now ready to receive the excess milk.  
Placing both his arms around me to hold me by my lower back, he looks up to me. 

"Here goes nothing." He says and then proceeds to come closer to the nipple. "Don't forget to tell me if I got the right grip. Okay?" I nod. 

I tilt my head back in anticipation as soon I feel his mouth engulf my nipple. 

"Ow." I sob and he doesn't move. "It's the right grip. But painful nonetheless." I push out.

His hands caress my back as his eyes stay glued to my face.   
I hold on to his upper arms with both my hands before nodding my head to let him know it's okay to begin. 

The first suckle sent me to hell and I'm now full-blown crying.   
He doesn't stop though. Instead, he gently and slowly suckles a second time. It's not any better. It's worse even. I feel the milk starting to shift inside me to come down into his mouth and that's even worse than the first one. 

The third time has my toes curling (not the good kind of curling) and my knuckles turning white holding his arms as pain shoots through me. I hold my breath in and turn crimson red. He took a long gentle suckle and for the duration of it, I couldn't breathe. As he stops suckling, I slowly release the breath I was holding along with a few sobs still. 

The fourth time I definitely feel the milk coming out and it's finally a relief. 

"Oh my god." I say. "Did it come out?" I ask and he looks up to nod slightly. "Okay." I breathe as I wipe my eyes of all the tears. "Keep going a few times. I need to get rid of the excess." I say and he nods again. Each of the next few suckles still hurts quite a lot but it's nothing compared to the first few ones.

After a minute and quite a few suckles and stops to spit the milk out, he lets go and places the towel to gather the milk that comes rushing in even after he stopped stimulating the breast.

"Better?" He asks as I place my hands on top of his with the towel. 

"Yeah. Much." I say looking up from the towel to his face. I smile a bit and if there's a moment recently I'd say I was making heart eyes at him, it'd definitely be this moment. 

"What?" He asks puzzled. 

"Nothing." I smile again and he does too. 

"Let's do the other one now." He says and my smile falls again. "Come on. It'll make you feel better." He says. 

"I know. But it hurts a lot." I whine and he places a gentle kiss on my thigh. 

"Ready?" He asks.

"As I'll ever be." I mumble. 

He gently places his mouth around my nipple and I hiss sharply. 

"Wrong grip." I hurry to say as I tense up. 

He lets go and latches on again looking up at me. 

"Better." I say looking up to the ceiling to try and hold the tears in. 

Needless to say, failed miserably. 

When I give him the ok to start, it's a repeat of the first event but somehow this feels even worse. Maybe because I now know what relief looks like. 

When the milk finally comes after 3 suckles, I sob harder than before and start to collapse forward and Harry instantly let go to hold me. 

He places his lips on my neck as I hide my face into the side of his face. 

"I'm so sorry, love." He says. "I'm sorry. It'll be okay. It's alright. It'll be over soon." He says as he gently rubs my back and thighs. 

After a minute, I sit back up only to notice his shirt has a big stain of milk now. 

"I stained your shirt." I say through the tears. 

"It's ok. It's nothing." He says as he gets up to get another towel. 

He gently cleans my face with it and places a gentle kiss on my cheek. 

"Ready?" He asks again and I just nod this time. 

He resumes his position and starts again. This one has a bigger flow though and he sputters once and lets go with some milk quickly chasing his mouth and some coming back from it as he coughs the excess out. 

I snort instantly as he looks up. 

"You okay?" I ask. 

"Yeah but if your mom didn't know what we were doing in here she definitely knows now." He laughs and I do too. 

He resumes sucking the excess milk out and soon I feel the relief in this one too.   
He lets go of the nipple and again, milk rushes in chasing his mouth and he quickly covers my breast with the towel he had ready for me. 

When he looks up, I'm smiling again. 

"I'm assuming this means you feel better?" He says as he stands up from the stool and touches both my breasts with the back of his left hand. "It doesn't feel as hot or as hard anymore. Seems ok." 

"Yeah." I say touching it too but keeping on staring at him.

When he looks puzzled again I get one of the towels and run it underwater. 

"You have a bit of milk on your face." I say as I clean his face up gently. "Thank you for doing this for me." I say after I'm done. "I don't know what's up other people's relationships or if this is a normal occurrence to other parents but I really do appreciate you doing this. Getting milk all over your face and shirt and all..."

* * *

"Thank you." I say. 

"I'd literally catch a grenade for you, love. This was nothing. My pleasure. I love being able to help you with anything." He smiles. 

"I love you." I say and he smiles. 

"I love you too."

He turns on the water for me again since milk has gone all over my stomach and my thighs and after I shower, he has my robe ready for me to step into and dry up nice and snugly. 

When I step out of the bathroom, my mom is nowhere to be found with Hayden. I shoot her a quick text and she quickly replies that she's coming back. 

"Where have you two been?" I ask as she hands Hayden over again. 

"Oh you know, you screamed pretty loudly when we heard the water get to you. That scared the little bug here so we thought we should take a walk around the other dressing rooms to wait the whole thing out. Right bug?" She cooes the last part at Hayden. 

"Oh." I say smirking at Harry and he blushes. 

"Did you manage to take a bit of milk out?" She asks. 

"Yeah. Water really helped." Harry rushed in to say scared that I was gonna tell her about our newest secret. 

"Yeah. I told you. Harry always manages to help with that. Hot water generally helps a lot." I say and she nods. 

"You seem better. I'm glad." I nod. 

I guide Hayden's mouth to my left breast and she's a bit resistant at first but as soon as she latches on and with little to no effort, the milk comes into her mouth, she's more than happy to take her part. She seems happy and the universe is at peace again. 


	56. A "Thank you" gift

Everything else on that night of October 22nd goes by in a blur. 

I carry out my habit of hosting a free meet and greet and therefore, I meet about 50 people that night. 

"Hi, guys. I'm Taylor." I say as I walk into the room set up for them to wait for me. They scream so loud I have to hold Hayden close to my chest while covering her other ear with my hand. 

As soon as they notice her though, their screaming comes to a screeching halt. 

"Oh. We're so sorry. We didn't know you'd be bringing her in too." A girl says. 

"It's okay." I say as I let go of her little head. "She doesn't seem too bothered anyway." I say and they all smile at her. 

"She's so cute." Another girl says. 

"Thank you!" I say as I smile at her. "Say thank you, baby." I coo at Hayden and she makes a small noise sending them all into a puddle of goo.

"She kinda looks like you but her hair though." A boy says and smiles.

"Oh yeah. She's got his hair for sure." I smile. 

"I think I can speak for all of us and if anyone disagrees, leave now." A girl says and surely she has my attention. "Congratulations. We're so happy for you. Your baby is so cute. You and your family deserve all the happiness this world can possibly provide. We love you." 

I look around and everyone is nodding their heads. 

"Aw... Thank you. Thanks, guys." I say getting a bit emotional. "You're gonna make me cry." I say and they laugh a bit. 

After a minute though, Jocelyn comes in to get Hayden back to Harry. 

"Thank you." I say to her. 

"Don't mention it." She says as she walks back out. 

"So, I just wanted you guys to meet her, and maybe meeting her will soften the blow of you guys having to wait for me for over an hour?" I say sheepishly. "Sorry about that. She's only 4 months old so she's exclusively breastfed. I pumped milk for her but that was blown to shit when she decided to go exorcist on me to let me know she won't stand for bottled milk today. So I had some other issues after the show with feeding her too. Everything is okay now though." I say and they all nod. 

"It's ok." I hear. "We understand." Someone else says and soon they're all agreeing. 

"Okay. Thank you." I say. "Let's get this party started." I say clasping my hands and they all squeal in delight. 

Before I know it, I've heard multiple congratulations, multiple I love you's, multiple variations of your kid is super cute and I'm down to the last person now. 

After I'm done, I sit back down as I finally start to feel the exhaustion of an odd day out. 

"I'm so... happy. This was so exciting." I say as my mom comes into the picture room. 

"I'm glad you had fun, baby." She says as she sits by my side on the steps of the photo setup. 

"I miss this." I say. 

"I know. We saw this coming from miles away though." She chuckles.

"Yeah." I exhale. "Maybe I should start planning a new album." I whisper. 

"Maybe." She says. 

"But not any time soon. If anything, tonight showed me Hayden is much too young to go on tour with me." 

"I mean, she'll be at least 1 by the time you do drop a new album. By then she'd be old enough." 

"Yeah. Maybe. But I'd rather wait a bit still." 

"Yeah." She says as she hugs me a bit. 

"Ok. Not to ruin the moment but little miss is really something else today. Maybe we should get going." Harry says as he walks into the room with Hayden wide awake in his arms. 

"Why isn't she asleep?" I shriek in horror of the idea that maybe she has slept and refuses to go down now and therefore will definitely be a hassle through the night. 

"That question cannot be answered at this moment, ma'am. Your child has melted my brains tonight." He says and I chuckle. 

"Did she sleep at all since I fed her?" 

"Nope. Still going strong."

"Oh. Thank God." I sigh. 

Turns out that Hayden was exhausted and couldn't wait to be changed and placed down to sleep.

We flew home that same night and when we hit home she was asleep in no time at all after being fed and changed. 

I head back into the bedroom and hear the shower running.   
I knock on the door once and hear a faint "come in." 

"Are you almost done?" I ask from the door. 

"Hmm. Yeah." He says. 

"I'll wait for you in bed."

"Sure."

As he climbs into bed, I'm already on my regular spot with my phone in hand and Hayden's monitor on the bedside. 

He climbs into his side of the bed and scoots closer to me. 

"Did you have fun?" He asks. 

"I did. So much." I smile. 

"Are you planning your next album yet?" He smirks. 

"Not yet. Maybe next year." 

"Cool." He says as he closes his eyes. 

"Was it any good?" I ask. 

"Your show?" I nod. "The parts I actually saw were incredible." He smiles. 

"How much did you see?" 

"A lot. But some parts right before we called you back, Hayden was screaming her head off so I didn't see anything." He chuckles. 

"Fair enough." I say as I put my phone down and shut the lights. "Thank you for today." I say as I kiss his lips gently. 

"You don't have to thank me." He says. 

"Oh no?" He shakes his head. "Too bad. I had something in mind to help me show my gratitude. But since it's not needed..." I trail off. 

"What is it?" He asks suddenly much more aware. I remain silent. "What is it? What did you have in mind?" He shakes me gently. 

"Nevermind. You said it's all good." 

"Woman, I swear..." He says shaking me again and I laugh this time. 

"You dork." I say as I kiss him again. 

"What is it?" He asks again. 

"Go get me a glass of water. I'll get your gift ready for you." I say and he jumps off the bed. "Don't run. I don't want you to fall." I yell after him. 

When he returns with the water, the lights are dimmed and I'm lying in bed in a matching black lace lingerie set.

"Holy shit." He mutters. 

"Do you like it?" I tease. 

"Ma'am... Best gift ever." He laughs as he runs to place the glass of water on my bedside table and comes back to climb on top of me. "Wait." He halts as he's halfway up on top of me. "Did you just send me on a pointless mission to get water?" He smirks.

"No. It's likely I'll need it after this is done." I smirk and his smile grows wider. "Have at it, babe. I'm yours." I say lowly and his eyes darken just right before his lips crash into mine. 

He kisses me deeply for a long time as his hands caress my body and roam every inch of skin available. 

When he lifts himself up his eyes fall downwards to my chest.   
I grow a bit nervous and I can tell that he's nervous too. 

"Can I...?" He trails off. 

"I'm all yours." I say and he nods not wasting a second before kissing a trail down from my jawline to my chest. They're much softer now that I've just fed Hayden so he likely doesn't have to worry about getting sprayed in the face for getting overly excited. 

"I wanna take them off so badly but I also really like looking at you in this beautiful setup you have. The struggle is real." He sighs dramatically and I laugh.

"You can take it off, baby." I say. "I chose one with a front clasp so you can clasp it back on if you want to look at it again after you're through with them." I tell him and he nods smiling wildly. 

He undoes the clasp and both my breasts are set free from the strapless black bra I had on.   
He looks like he's about to drool on me.   
He instantly closes the distance between him and my boobs and I feel his mouth encircling my nipples.   
Turns out that my fears were completely off reality. The way his tongue is playing with my nipple now resembles nothing of the way it was used to suckle milk earlier this evening.   
Proving to my ever overthinking brain that between these two things, one is not like the other, he sends me into a moaning state, completely drunk on his love.

"Please, inside." I whisper. 

"Not yet, love." He says and I snap my eyes open. "Tonight, you're mine and things won't be so easy." He says and I moan loudly as his leg presses down on my core. "Tonight I'll have it my way." He says and I open my eyes again to look at him and I'm absolutely certain my eyes just got 5 shades darker. "Color code?" He asks and I nod. "Color?" 

"Green." I whisper as he smirks. 

His mouth goes back to my breast and he builds me up quite nicely. 

"Harry, please, take me already." I say and he shakes his head. "Please?" I beg and he just kisses his way up to my neck in response. 

He calmly and deliberately moves his body to give me some friction but not all the friction I need. 

"Color?" 

"Green." 

He starts a game of hot and cold. He starts off kissing my face but not my lips. Then goes down kissing my breast but not my nipples. Kisses my whole abdomen until he hits the hem of my underwear. He kisses over it lightly and I try to move up a bit to get some pressure to throw me over the edge. 

"You sneaky little dork." He smiles as he lifts his face so I can't actually lift up to him anymore. 

He resumes kissing but now he's on my legs.   
He gets to my feet before he returns with longer kisses up my legs.   
When he reaches my panties now, he grazes his teeth over it and my eyes roll back and my toes curl. But just as fast as he started, he stops and the sensation is gone. 

He stands up on the bed and slowly gets his shorts off. I can see his length already and I know he's hard as a rock now and that's precisely the reason why he's getting off his clothes. 

When he takes off his underwear, his length springs free and stands almost proudly at its state.  
He too is more than ready for the main course but he just won't take it tonight. 

When he comes down again, I gently wrap my hand around his length and pump him for a few minutes before he stills my hand. 

"Don't wanna come yet. I intend on fully extracting everything out of this session." He says when I look up at him. 

He goes back to kissing my face but now with a new addition to the game. He doesn't kiss my lips no matter how much I chase him. 

Instead, he places kisses on my face but when I turn to kiss him properly, he turns away. 

"You're such a tease." I whine. 

"Ain't that the point though?" He says as I try for the hundredth time to chase his lips. 

He places his lips so close to mine I can feel his breath, but when I reach up to kiss him, he pulls back. 

It's a game of back and forth like that until I finally catch him and place a good bite to his lip in between my teeth. 

As I bit him just enough to hurt, he gently applies pressure to my center, which promptly has me moaning again, and therefore, I'm obligated to release his lips. 

"Not fair." I say as another moan escapes me when he applies pressure again. 

"All's fair in love and war, love." He says as his lips once again make contact with the skin on my neck. 

When I finally feel his hand on the waistband of my underwear, I'm rather excited.   
He doesn't do much though. Instead, his fingers roam inside to check my state. 

"Ready, are we?" He smirks and I sigh in frustration. 

"Please?" I tell him again. 

"I'll tell you what, you take 5 minutes of me rubbing you good, and then I'll let you have me inside. How about that?" He asks. 

"5 minutes in a roll?" I ask and he nods. "I can't do that. That's a long time." I complain. 

"Doesn't sound like you wanna come, love." He smirks. 

"No. I mean it. 5 minutes is a long time for this state. I'm too far gone." I say. 

"Fine. I'll set up a timer. I'll rub you in circles at roughly the same intensity and you can't come until the timer hits the mark. Every time you stop it, I'll pause the timer too. How about that?" He asks and I nod. "Cool?" 

"Yeah." I say. "More like torture but okay." I say and he smirks. 

When we start off, his fingers graze me lightly and already he sends a jolt into me.   
As I jerk up in response he pulls back smirking. 

"Just reflex." I say and he smiles. 

He starts slow and builds up for an entire 2 minutes before I stop him.   
I'm breathing hard and fast.   
My eyes can't remain open.   
I'm a moaning mess at this point. 

As I hold on to his wrist that now lays beside me in bed, he kisses my cheek a few times. 

"All good?" He asks. 

"I can't do this." I say and he smirks. 

"Color?" He asks and I don't respond. "Color?" He asks again a bit louder. When I don't respond yet again he halts every movement to force me to look at him. "Can you tell me your color, love?" He says as he rubs my cheek with the back of his hand. 

"Green." I rasp out. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes. Green." I say. 

He resumes position for another 1 minute before I stop him again.   
I'm so close to orgasm that if he so much as breathe near my center, I'll reach it.   
So I remain very quiet and still so as to not trigger it. 

"Color?" 

"I'm so close. So so close." I pant. 

"Soon, baby." He says. "Color?" 

"Yellow. I need a minute." I say and he smiles. 

"All the time you need, love." 

"How much time left?" 

"1 minute and 57 seconds." He says. 

"I won't make it." I whine and he kisses my lips quickly now. "Ok. All good." 

He starts up again but I'm much more worked up now. I hit the limit and for a split second fail to catch the upcoming wave as a warning and almost give in to it.   
Harry pulls back faster than a lightning bolt upon realizing. 

"Ohhh. Were you just gonna let yourself come there?" He chuckles. 

I'm breathing so hard and am so far gone into my mind that I barely register what he's saying. 

"Pleasee..." I whine. 

"One minute and 22 seconds, love. You're almost there." He says kissing my lips again. 

"I'm ready." I say again and he resumes position until I stop him again after another 37 seconds.

"I can't." I whine. 

"You're doing amazing, love." He gently praises me. "You're amazing." He says as I feel him gently place kisses on my face. "Color?" He whispers in my ears and I can't get any words out. 

"I'm just..." I rasp out. "I- hm.. i-" 

"What's your color, love?"

"Hm. Yellow." I say and he pulls me into his arms. 

"What can I do?" He asks to which I can't offer a reply yet. "Love, can you tell me what you need?" He asks again. 

"A minute." I say.

"Okay. Do you want me to hold you through it or let go?" 

"Hold." I pant out. 

"Ok." He says as he holds me a bit closer.

"Can I get some of that water now?" I ask after a few seconds. 

"Sure, love." He says as he reaches over me to get to the glass. 

I take a long sip before giving it back to him.  
My breathing has resumed back to normal and my brain isn't as fogged anymore. 

"Green." I say. "But I need to switch positions." I say and he nods. 

"My good girl. Asking for what she needs. I'm so very proud." He praises and I smile. 

He sits up against the headboard pillows and I sit in between his legs.   
I spread mine open and he reaches around me to place his hands back at my center. 

"Ready?" He asks as he rests his chin on my shoulder and I nod. 

He starts again and I last for 18 seconds this time before I halt his movements. 

He starts again and I last for 15 seconds. 

"Too soon." I rasp out as I still his hand again. "I need more time." I say and he kisses my neck. 

"You're almost there." He says. "12 seconds." He whispers. 

"Wh-when that's do-done. Can I come?" I ask him. 

"As many times as you want." He says and I shiver. 

After another couple of moments, I give the go-ahead and he resumes position. 

This time though, he sets up a brutal pace. Almost designed to make me fail.  
When my breath starts to quicken within a couple of seconds I start to shake and sweat can be felt running down my back now. 

"I'm gonna come." I pant out.

"Not yet. 8, 7, 6..." He starts a countdown and I start chanting in my brain to avoid messing up. 

"Mailman, mailman, mailman..." 

"3, 2, 1..." He says. "Come for me, love." He says and though I thought it'd be on sight, it was not. 

"Please..." I say as I'm almost there but can't seem to reach it. 

"It's ok. You can come now." He says. 

"I can't." I cry out. 

"You can't?" He asks and I hear the amusement in his voice. 

"I've forgotten how." I say and he chuckles. 

"Just relax, baby. Lean back onto me and let go. I've got you." He whispers the last part. 

As I lean back further into him, I finally reach it.   
I'm thrown over the edge so hard I barely know what's going on around me anymore.   
My eyes roll deep inside my head, my toes curl, my knuckles turn white around his arms, my back arch so much off of him that his free hand presses down on my stomach to keep me in place.   
It feels like an entire eternity before I start coming down from it. 

I notice his hand has slowed down but hasn't completely stopped. I whine in response to the hyper sensibility down there and he instantly takes his hands off and wraps it around my middle. 

Next thing I notice is his soft voice whispering things on my ears.   
"...So great. You were so beautiful. I love watching you come undone like this. I love watching your back arch so much out of the bed it requires me to push it down. I love pleasuring you. You're so gorgeous. I'll spend the rest of my life loving you in every aspect of it. I love you. I love you so much." He says and stops once my hand actually moves up his arm a little bit and I turn my head a bit to snuggle his neck. 

"Are you ok?" He asks and I nod. 

After a few minutes of just lounging with small touches and kisses from him, I let out a soft "green." And he laughs surprised. 

"I thought you were done for the night, love." 

"You said as many times as I want." I shrug and he laughs. 

"Tell me what you want, love." 

"You." I say looking back at him now and his eyes darken again. 

"You got it." He says as we switch positions again. 

I lay back and spread my legs to allow him entrance. He sits back and positions himself at my entrance and slowly starts to pump himself to get himself as hard as he can. 

When the tip of his length touches me, I feel once again electrified. 

"How do you wanna play this?" He asks. 

"A little rough. But not too much." I smirk and he looks up grinning at me like the devil. 

"Ready?" He asks. 

"I've been ready all night." I say and he chuckles. 

He lifts my left leg up for better access and lines up to my entrance.   
He pushes himself in slowly.   
I'm sure he could go all the way in just one swift move with all the slickness there, but I don't think neither he nor I can handle that right now.   
At first, he pushes just the tip in and out while holding my leg up. Once that becomes an easier task for him, he starts to push further and further.   
Soon he bottoms out on me. 

He lifts my right leg now too and rests both of them on his shoulders as he starts a slow rhythm inside me. When he starts to pound slightly, I feel my second orgasm starting to build up as he hits the deep end of my canal over and over again. 

Not long after, the sounds of him pounding onto me and both our moans fill the room.  
His hands slip into mine to keep me grounded and he starts to slam into me with a bit more force.   
We've had it much rougher than this in the past. But tonight, this is just perfect. 

I can feel my breast bouncing up and down as I'm met with each of his thrusts while meeting him with some of my own. 

After over 5 minutes, I'm thrown back over the edge and I contract hard around him.   
His breath shudders and I feel deep within me how much he's trying to last longer. 

He continues to pound into me as waves and more waves of pleasure hits me.   
Suddenly, as I throw my head back further in pleasure, he doubles forward to kiss my neck letting go of my legs and in the process of doing so, he ends up rubbing me again which shoots me up higher than before.

As I feel my body convulsing in pleasure, I also feel the weight of him resisting on top of me. 

"It's ok. Let go." I whisper to him. 

"Wanted to-" he's cut off by a loud moan as another contraction of my walls pulls him in. 

"It's ok, baby. Come for me." I say and almost like it was on-demand, he lets out a deep moan. 

"Tay, I'm-" he cuts himself off as he releases inside me. 

"I love you." I say. 

"I love you too." 

I'm so tired I could absolutely sleep in three seconds but I'm aware I can't. 

I close my eyes for a minute to wait for him to get up. 

"Are you okay?" He asks after a minute. 

I nod my head. 

"Can you use your words?" He asks. 

"Good." I rasp out with my eyes still closed. 

He rests on top of me but he's still moving slightly. 

"Are you still...?" I trail off. 

"Not this time." He says. "I just love being this close to you." He says and I place a kiss on his hair. 

"Can you get me that water again?" I ask and he nods. 

He pulls out of me and I panic slightly.   
Apparently, this was a much bigger load than I originally thought. 

"Get a towel. Get a towel. Quick." I say and he jumps up to get me a towel. 

When he returns, we laugh about the awkwardness of it all. 

He gets me the water and leaves to get me some wipes to clean up the excess. 

"I'm gonna run you a bath. Do you want any salts or bubbles?" 

"No. Just plain is fine." I say and he nods. 

When he comes back, I'm fast asleep already.   
He gently shakes me awake and when I open my eyes he's sitting by the edge of the bed. 

"Bath is ready." He says. 

"Uh-huh." 

"Come on. It'll make you feel better and more relaxed." He says. "Want me to clean you up a bit?" He asks and I nod. 

He pulls some of the wipes from the box and spreads my legs. He gently starts to wipe me down. When he brushes my bundle of nerves, I shudder and tense up. 

"Gentle." I rasp out. 

"Does it hurt?" He asks. 

"Sensitive." I say. 

He continues to wipe me calmly and gently until he reaches my opening. He swiftly slips one finger inside and I whimper a bit. 

"No." I whine as he probes inside. 

"I'm just checking, love." He says as he pulls it out while I attempt to sit up. "It's rather irritated. Is everything okay there? Did I hurt you?" He asks and I can hear the worry in his voice as he cradles me to his chest now.

"All good." I say and he nods. 

"Okay." He kisses my forehead. "Do you wanna go take that bath now?" 

"So tired." I mumble. 

"I'll carry you." He says and I smile. "Ready?" I nod. 

He gently lifts me up from the bed and walks towards the bathroom. 

He pulls out some of my body oils and quietly applied them to my back and then to my chest and limbs massaging out all of the knots created by the tension of tonight's activities while I calmly sit on the sink leaning forward on his chest for support.

When he's satisfied that I'm relaxed enough, he gently guides me to the shower to spray me with some water before soaping up my body to get rid of the oil.   
Once he helps me rinse it out, he guides me back to the bathtub which has some dried flowers in it. 

"You soak up a bit. I'll change the sheets." He kisses my forehead as I lay back.

"No." I whine. "Come hold me." 

"Don't you want a clean bed to lay back after you're done?" 

"Come hold me." I say again and he nods. 

He climbs in behind me and I gently turn to my side so I can lean on him. 

His arms are warm around me and he gently strokes my back which calmly lulls me into sleep. 

My eyes snap open again a minute later when my head starts to slip from his chest. 

"You good?" He chuckles. 

"Yeah. Sleepy." I say and he nods.

"Let's get going." He says and I groan. 

"Tired." 

"I know, love. I'll put you in bed soon." He says. 

He starts to get up from the tub and I groan again. 

"I'll clean up the bed." He says. "Please don't fall asleep in my absence. I don't want you to drown." He says and I chuckle. 

"I won't." I say but don't yet attempt to get up. 

A minute later he returns and I'm standing in the middle of the bathroom drying myself off.

"What?" I say. 

"Just checking." He smiles. "You good?" I nod. 

I walk back into the bedroom and get into some clean underwear and an oversized shirt. 

"Hang on. I'll be done in a minute." He says as he goes around the bed trying to fasten the sheet around the corners. 

I whimper a bit and he laughs. 

"Such a baby." He says smiling. "Did I go too rough on you tonight, baby?" He teases as he hugs me to his chest while laughing.

"Wanna go to bed." I whine. 

"Hold this for me." He gives me our pillows. "I'm almost done." He says. 

Once he's done making the bed, he gets our blankets on it and comes to get the pillows. 

"Done." He says as he places a kiss on my lips. 

I climb into bed with him and look at the clock. 3:47 am. 

"Hayden's gonna be awake soon." I say. "Let's get some sleep." I say and he snuggles close to me holding me from behind. 

As I try to get a bit more comfortable, I hiss a bit. 

"What is it?" He asks from behind me. 

"Sore." I say sheepishly. 

"We did go pretty hard tonight." He says. "Are you sure you're okay?" I nod. "Do you want some soother?" 

"No. It's ok." 

"Thank you for tonight." 

"No need to thank me. Quite literally my pleasure." 

"Did you have a good time?" 

"Yeah." I sigh contently. 

"I'm so glad." He kisses my cheek. 

"Did you like your 'thank you' gift?" I ask. 

"So much so that words could never explain it." He says and places a gentle kiss on my earlobe. 

"I love you." I say. 

"I love you too." 

I drift into a deep sleep after that. When I wake up again, I hear the sounds coming from Hayden's room and look back to be met with a pillow in Harry's place. 

I get up to see if she needs feeding and once again I realize how exhausted I actually am. 

When I get to her doorframe, Harry is gently rocking back and forth with Hayden in his arms as he gives her a bottle. 

"I could've fed her." I say from the door. 

"I know." He says smiling. "But I wanted to give you some more time to sleep." He says. 

"You could've woken me up to feed her. It's ok." I say. 

"I know." He says. "But I didn't need to. I've got this." He smiles down at her now. 

I walk into her room and gently maneuver around him so I can sit in his lap too while resting my head in his shoulder calmly watching Hayden in his other arm being gently lulled back to sleep.

"Thank you for not making me feed her right now." I say and he knows exactly what I mean. 

"Are you sore there too?" He asks guiltily. 

"A bit. But I'm ok. Over the moon if you ask me." I smirk as I place a kiss on his lips. 

"Do you want some soother now?" He asks. 

"No. It'll be all good by morning." I say and he nods. "Besides, I kinda like it. It's an alive reminder that this is real and I'm yours." I say and he smiles. 

"Dork." 

"You love it." 

"I do." He says smiling. 

"I'm gonna head back to bed." 

"Okay. I'll be there soon." I nod and head back to bed. 

The next morning, when I wake up and go about my normal routine, I shriek in horror at the sight I catch in the mirror.

"What is it?" Harry asks from the bed. 

"A hickey?" I yell at him in disbelief as I walk into the bedroom to see him lounging in bed.  
"A hickey? You left a fucking hickey on my neck?"

He shrugs. 

"Damn it. You know that I hate visible marks." I groan.

"It's not a big deal." 

"Look at the size of this thing! It is quite literally a big deal." I say and he smirks. 

"I'm sorry." 

"You're not!" I say. 

"I'm definitely not." He smirks. 

"I can't hide this." I whine. 

"You don't have to. We're not going to be seen in public for the next few weeks." 

"My family though." 

"I'm pretty sure they know we have sex." He smirks and I throw a brush at him. 

"Do we need to make it obvious?" I say. 

"Come here." 

"Why? So you can place another hickey on the other side now?" 

"No. So I can hold you and remind you just when you got that hickey." He says and I roll my eyes. 

Apparently, he took full advantage of his "thank you" gift.   
And if I'm being at all honest, so did I, but when I see my parents at some point and my mother doesn't fail to blush profusely every time she catches a glimpse of my poorly covered hickey, I half want to scream and half want to disappear. 

"I can already see it when word of this gets out to Austin." I whine. "He's never gonna let me live this down." Harry smirks before I throw a pillow at him. "Wipe that smirk off before I show you how sorry you can be." I say and he laughs. 


	57. Kiwi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was brought to my attention that sidestepping reality and making Ever since New York about Taylor was disrespectful and wrong and for that, I apologise. 
> 
> I am so deeply sorry if I offended you guys or by any means, Harry's family history. It was never my intention. 
> 
> In this story, Robin never got sick and neither did Andrea.   
> For that purpose, I am going to exclude Ever Since New York and later on, Soon you'll get better from the plot. 
> 
> I'd like to say that I can not emotionally withstand the complexity and turmoil of writing about Robin's Cancer and death and Andrea's cancer as well. 
> 
> Recently, I lost my dad to Covid and I'm still processing his death and trying to learn to exist in a world where he doesn't anymore.
> 
> Just the idea of writing such a thing brings tears to my eyes and I truly can't handle it. 
> 
> Yet, I apologise because regardless of my intentions on this story or my personal issues, reality still must prevail against what I want/imagine/write. 
> 
> I'm so very sorry. 
> 
> I hope you can all forgive me for this.

All was well until he came home from the studio one certain day about 3 weeks after my one concert. 

"So, it's Saturday." He says. 

"I'm aware." I chuckle a bit. "I'm making lunch. Are you hungry?" 

"Um. No. But I have something for you."

"Oh?" 

"But it's not a present." 

"Ok?" I ask suspiciously. 

"I'll finish lunch. You go handle this." He says as he now places his phone with earbuds on the counter. "It's already in the right place. You just have to click play." He says. 

"Your music?" I ask, he nods and I grin. 

I walk around the kitchen island and take the phone. 

"Can you go listen to it somewhere else though? I don't think I can bear the thought of watching your expressions as you listen to it." He says. 

"Sure." I chuckle. 

As I'm listening to it in bed, it's actually really good. 

I feel like I'm being presumptuous though because I'm halfway through this and I'm yet to find a song that doesn't match our stories. 

I mean, Carolina, if I had to say one.

Eventually, I hit track 7 and tears instantly spring up to my eyes and a sinking feeling sets itself deep into my belly. 

I look at the title and try to calm my breathing before the song ends. I listen through the whole song since I'm actually evaluating the musicality of this rather than the sentiment. 

Once the song is over, I take a little break. 

I do a full 180° though and go from sadness to anger really fast. 

How dare he? 

I listen to the remaining songs, and I do really pay attention to them.

I find that this album could easily make a good impact in the industry and if he chooses well on his singles, he could hit number one for sure. 

Once I'm done, I take a deep breath and walk back to the kitchen but he's no longer there. 

I go to the living room instead, where I can hear the faint sounds of the tv mindlessly playing. 

"Harry?" I call out.

"I'm here." He sits up on the couch just as I walk in. He looks like he's about to pass out. "What did you think?" He asks. 

"This is really good." I say. "It really shows your personality and some of your musical basis and inspirations. I really like it." I say. 

"Do you think it could go number 1?" 

"If you choose properly on the singles, sure. It could absolutely hit 1." 

"In the US too?" He asks. 

"Yep. The US too. It's really good." I say and he smiles. "One question though." I say and his face falls. "I'm having your baby, it's none of your business?" I quote his song and the blood drains from his face. 

"I- I didn't mean- it's not about you." He stutters. "I wrote it long before we even decided to give this another go." He says. 

"Sure." I say as some tears escape my eyes. 

"I swear, Tay. I didn't write this recently. If you really think about it, I barely wrote any songs about us currently." He says. 

"But you didn't think anyone would instantly link that song to me? To Hayden?" I raise my voice. "What the hell were you thinking?" I ask. 

"I will tell them it isn't about you. I'll tell them the story behind this song and what the truth actually is." 

"No. That's YOUR truth. Everyone else will make up another truth in their minds and this will come down hard on me like it always does." I say and he gets up to try and get closer to me. 

"Love, no. I'll tell them about it. They'll know it's not about you or Hayden." 

"That won't matter!!!" I scream. 

"It's just a song." He takes a step forward and I take one backward. 

"It's never just a song if it alludes to me." 

"It doesn't though." He says firmly. 

"The rest of the world won't know that." 

"Yeah. But do you?" He asks and I breathe hard. "Do you know it's not about you or are you standing here thinking I'd write such a thing about you?" He asks breathing hard too. 

"I don't know anything. I wasn't there when you wrote it and I wasn't a part of your process. I don't know anything." I say as I look down. 

"I told you. Some of the songs aren't about you or anything specific. It's just a thought."

"Tell that to the millions of fans of yours who will now be calling me a slut." I tell him. 

"That's not going to happen. I won't allow it." 

"It already happened though." I say and pain crosses his face.

"I wasn't as mature then. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have control over what I could or couldn't address with our publicist. I was in a band then. That's not fair. I'm solo now." 

"You couldn't stop it then and you won't be able to stop it now." I say and he shakes his head. "You underestimate my knowledge of how fandoms work." 

"That's not-" 

"When it happens, and mark my words, it will. But when it does, if you run, we're done." I say. 

"Taylor!" He states firmly. "What the hell?" 

"I'm just making sure you know the rules to the game you're dragging us both to play." I say. 

"This isn't a game though. Not for me." He says. 

"It is a game. But your career isn't at stake. It's mine instead. It's my career on the line." I say. 

"Everything doesn't have to be so deep." He sighs. 

"Again don't tell it to me. Tell it to your fans." 

"Taylor." 

"You should've seen this coming." I sigh. "How come this went over your head?" 

"Love, maybe it won't be as bad as you think. I promise I won't let them think it's about you." 

"You just... You don't understand." I say as I walk back again. "I can't believe how clueless you can actually be and how careless of you to put me on the line like that." 

"What do you want? Do you want me to take the song down?" 

"You shouldn't have put it up there in the first place!" I raise my voice again. 

"I can't take it down. It's already on its way to post-production." 

"It's your album. You can do whatever the hell you want." I say sharply. 

"I know but I already sent it as the final tracklist." He says. 

"And now I completely understand why you waited so long to show it to me. Thank you for your kind consideration." I say as tears pools my eyes again. 

"Tay, please." He comes towards me again. 

"Please, leave me alone for a while." I say. "I need some time." I ask and he stands down. 

"Okay." 

I walk into my bedroom and get into bed. I lie down facing away from the door as the tears start to stream down my face.   
Soon they become sobs. 

I can already see the way this song is going to blow up and become "The song about Taylor Swift."

I love Harry. So much. But deep inside I'm still a bit scared that if the media and our fandoms start stirring again, he might not stick around again. I don't think I'll survive if he breaks me again. 

But I'm mostly worried about how the world is now in a frenzy to hate me without any regard to my feeling or mental health and how this song is bound to give them ammunition to do so.

"There goes the bitch that keeps stringing Harry Styles."

"Better yet, there goes the bitch who broke his heart but keeps stringing him along with a baby."

"There goes the slut that just can't keep her legs shut and has somehow enticed Harry into staying with her."

I think of quite a few headlines that could come out of the aftermath of this song and how Harry was, at the very minimum, naive for thinking people wouldn't read too much into this song when I just had his baby. 

But at the same time, I worry that I'm being unfair to him because I know that of all the things Harry can be, a liar isn't one of them. 

He said the song isn't exactly recent, and it isn't about me so I must believe him.

In such a situation, it's unfair to want the song gone, knowing full well this wouldn't be up for discussion if that album were mine. 

After a long hour, my tears have now subsided and I'm no longer crying. 

A knock on the door is followed by its opening and Harry coming in. 

"I'm sorry." He says as he sits down in the middle of the bed. I'm facing away from him and don't say anything back. "I'm really sorry that I hurt you. I thought you'd understand." He says and I remain silent. 

He sighs. 

"Can you please say something? Even if it's yelling?" He says touching my arm and I stay quiet with new tears running down my face. 

He leans towards me and places a gentle kiss on my cheek as I close my eyes. 

"I'll take the song out if you want." He says. "It's a good song and I like it very much. It doesn't mean anything, but I like it. The vibes of it are quite cool. But if you tell me to, I'll take it out." He says into my ears. "I love you and I don't wanna do anything that hurts you." He says placing another kiss on my cheek. 

"Leave it." I rasp out. "As you said, it's a good song. I won't ask you to take it out. Especially because I wouldn't offer you the same deal if it was just a song. If it was a song clearly about you that bothered you, in our current relationship, sure, I'd either rewrite it to make it milder or take it down completely, but if the song isn't about you, then that deal is off the table." I say and he nods with his lips still resting calmly on my cheek as his hand gently caresses my arms. 

"But I will do it for you. I understand your situation and how you get hated on like it's a sport. Especially now. So I'll do it. I'll do it, love. If it is the one single thing closest to salvation that I can offer you at this point, I'll do it." He says. "Do you want me to take the song out of the album?" He asks. 

"No." I say after a few seconds. "It's a good song."

"Okay." He says as he lays back into bed. 

"You don't need to save me." I whisper as I cry a little still. 

"I would if I could, trust me, I would." 

"That's not... You don't need to save me." I tell him again. "B-But just..." 

"What, darling?"

"W-would you r-run away with m-me?" I cry. 

"Yes." 

"Promise?" 

"Absolutely, baby. I'd run away with you anywhere you wanted." He says and I swallow back my tears. "Do you?" He asks as his hand gently touches my back. "Do you want to run away?" 

"I don't know." I sigh as I try to control my crying. 

A few minutes and I turn around to snuggle into him. 

"H-hold me, please." I say and he instantly pulls me into him. "I want t-to disappear." I whisper.

"Disappear?" 

"From the media a-and the public eye." I mumble and hiccup into his chest.

"But just the other week, when you had that concert, you felt so alive, love. You said you wanted to plan for your next album and everything." He says and I pick up the concern in his voice. 

"I know but I'm not too s-sure."

"Because of the song?" He asks and I stay silent for a long time. 

"Because of everything. I don't know who I am as an artist anymore. I don't if they still want me to be an artist. I don't know if I still have space in this industry. I don't know if I can handle all the hate, all the media scrutiny, all the bad headlines... I don't know..." I tell him, now being significantly calmer. 

"Whatever you decide, I'm with you." He tells me gently and I nod. "Tay?"

"Hmm?" 

"You know that even if this does blow up on our faces, I won't leave you, right?" 

"I should hope so. Yeah." 

"No. Not hope. Know! Do you know that?" 

"I do. I know that here." I point to my head. "I'm working on knowing it here." I point to my chest. 

"Okay." He kisses my forehead. "I love you. Do you know that?" 

"I do. That I know." I say and he nods. 

"Okay." 

"I'm sorry." I say after a while. "I think I overreacted." 

"It's ok." He says. 

"I love you too." I say. 

"I know." 

"Babe?" I ask after a while. 

"Hmm?" 

"Is only Angel about me?" 

"Do you want it to be?" I shrug and he chuckles. "It is." He says and I nod. "Do you want me to tell you all the songs and their meaning or lack thereof?" He asks and I nod again. " Okay." He kisses my forehead. "So, meet me in the hallway." He starts. "It's about each time I'd have to leave your hotel rooms after we agreed on no strings attached. You helped me with my pain of being so utterly I'm in love with you that I'd leave my entire life behind to follow you while you, though still in love with me, wanted to keep your distance. Allowing me to love you like that helped with the pain some but at the same time, in the end, I was still alone dealing with the aftermath of our breakup and I was still alone in that hallway." He says. "Pretty hard to handle but I wanted you so badly that if you said you wanted to put a bag over my head and not face me as you fucked me, I would've said yes." He smiles. 

"Sorry." I say smiling too. 

"It's alright. We're here now." He says and I nod. "Sign of the times. I'm thinking of making it the first single." 

"Cool. A ballad as the first single is pretty bold." 

"Yeah." He thinks for a second. "Anyway, it's about us coming and going all the time and how we're always running our emotions but while left unresolved, our issues will continue to exist and get in the way of what life can be. But at the same time, it's from a dying mother's perspective as she says goodbye to her child, so I used that to maybe convey the way that I kept mourning the death of our relationship while trying to console both you and me. I'm so glad we're not doing that anymore." He says. 

"Me too." 

"Carolina is actually meaningless. It's about a girl Niall met once and took him a while to forget. So I just thought about what it would've been like to be in his shoes. I wrote this like 2 maybe 3 years ago. Now we just got around to finish." 

"Cool." 

"Two Ghosts. I mean, I practically wrote your name on it." He chuckles and I do too. 

"I know. Same red lips and same eyes blue?!" I snort and he laughs. 

"I was broken-hearted when I wrote it, okay?!" He laughs. 

"Okay." 

"Sweet creature is about you because you make me feel like I'm home. Like no matter how I drive off the road, you will always guide me back and with your love, I'm home. I just wanted to allude to the struggles we faced when we started again and how far we've come." 

"That's sweet." 

"I actually wrote "Only Angel" on one of our last tour rendezvous. Like, right before we started dating again?" He smiles and I blush. "Except I did take you home to mother. Long before and again after but during our no strings attached, you weren't mine. Not really." He says. 

"You did take me home, but I wasn't on either time a short skirt kinda girl." I said and he smiled. 

"Touché." He jokes. "It's true though. You're entirely something else in bed and I love it." He smiles and I smack his arm making him smile wilder. "We already discussed kiwi. But the background is that while I was writing with the boys for the made in the am album, we talked about this and it was purely a joke about women and their powers to turn our heads but also that same power is sometimes used to say "it's none of your business" and it became this stuck idea in my mind." 

"Okay." 

"Woman is about you and every time we broke up and you found different people to date." He says.

"You found other girls too though." I say. 

"Which is why I said I was selfish in the song." He snorts. 

"Oh. Yeah." I smile. 

"I did use a "stitches" and a "broken promise" metaphor. Did you see it?" He grins. "I wanted to make sure you knew." He chuckles. 

"I saw." I chuckle. "I think that'll link the song to me beyond reasonable doubt. 20 stitches in a hospital room?" 

"Yeah." He laughs. "Is that okay?" He asks after a minute.

"Yeah." I nod. 

"And from the dining table is about the last time we broke up and how you seemed fine while I was in pieces." He says. 

"I wasn't though."

"I know. Figured as much when you called in the middle of the night because you couldn't sleep." 

"Yeah." I say. "Thank you for being there even when you didn't need to be." 

"Don't be silly. I love you. I've never stopped loving you." He says. 

"I don't think I ever stopped loving you either." I look deep into his eyes. 

"So that's it. That's the whole album." He says as he squeezes me a bit.

"So, you did write an entire album about me, basically." I say and he laughs. 

"I did not." He playfully huffs.

"8 out of 10? Yeah, you did." I snort and he smacks my ass. 

"Weirdo." 

"Stalker." 

"Stop." He whines. 

"I loved it." I say suddenly serious. "Your album. I think it's a really good one." I say and he nods. 

"It's really good to hear it coming from someone as experienced as you. Thank you." 

"You're welcome." I kiss him lightly. 

I snuggle back into him until my stomach makes a loud noise. 

"Dude..." He laughs. 

"What? I'm hungry. Feed me!" I say dramatically. 

"Let's have lunch, you dork." He says as we both get up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2/2 for the night ladies and gentlemen.
> 
> I hate it when they fight too. Lmaoo
> 
> But I imagine the Taylor before the album "reputation" came out was a very confused, scared, aggressive, sad, and at times, lonely Taylor so in order to capture that, I need to use different elements that not necessarily are her very public affairs of that year. I need to use what I think might've gone down in her personal life too.  
> Now bringing that into the fictional world of "We never go out of style", I imagine that "Kiwi" had quite the impact on their relationship, but not enough to ruin it.  
> Though I do believe that 1989 era Taylor, who had built herself an entire "clean, popular, cool" image for herself, would've taken this much harder than rep era Taylor, (whose image was shattered and whose reputation was dragged through shit) did, and that Taylor would likely end things, I still needed to make this into a full-blown three-dimensional relationship, and no relationship in real life goes by without a single fight from time to time, especially when something so specific happens that can affect one or both partners.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the reading.


	58. Best birthday present ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time, no see. Hello, guys. 
> 
> So, I've taken some time to evaluate the things I was told about this story and I took them into careful consideration too.  
> But the thing is, this story is finished for me. I've moved on from it.  
> That's normal for me as a writer. Once I complete the project, I no longer have an interest in it.  
> So, rewriting this story alone is not an option, or else, I assure you guys, it'd take 300 years for me to finish it and it'd no longer be a fun process for me.  
> All things considered, I have decided to warn people over at the summary (Please, read it.) so that no one stumbles into this story thinking they'll get as much Harry as they hope for.  
> That being said, I'm trying to make Harry as three-dimensional as I can, but I've decided to not make huge changes to this story to fit Harry's personal life the same way I wrote it with Taylor's because that takes up an amount of energy I no longer possess for this story.  
> I don't wanna come across ungrateful or rude at all. Please know that's not my intention.  
> I'm just saying that this project is well over halfway through and therefore, it's pretty hard to change it majorly.  
> To all Harry's fans reading this, you're welcome to reach out to me and let me know what you think or if you want, point out events in Harry's real life you'd like to see incorporated into this story and I will do my best to accomplish that, though I do not make promises.  
> You're also welcome to elaborate prompts you'd like to see from Harry's point of view from this story and I MIGHT write them as one-shots after this story is done.  
> Keyword being MIGHT. I'll try my best but I no longer make promises to people so who knows?  
> But knowing what I know about how you guys might be feeling, I understand if this story isn't quite your cup of tea.  
> I could make an author's note to say all this but, damn... Do I find those annoying in stories I read. So I just thought you'd want a chapter even if I put a gigantic rant before it.  
> All in all, I just wanna say I'm so grateful to you guys for reading my story in the first place and for all the kudos and comments. That's honestly such an incredible thing and I love reading the things you guys say and seeing that I might've brought some joy to someone even if it's the tiniest little bit of it.  
> I hope that I can somehow continue to surprise you guys and provide you guys with good entertainment with this story.  
> Hopefully, you guys will enjoy the newest updates. (Did you notice I said it in plural? 🤭)
> 
> Happy reading.

  
"Good morning, birthday girl." I hear deep into my dreams. "Good morning. Wake up. Open your eyes. It's your birthday!" 

I slowly open my eyes to a very bright room. 

"Ugh. Too bright." I groan. 

"Happy birthday!!!" Harry says as he sits in the middle of the bed with Hayden and quite a few helium balloons.

I sit up a bit and see that he has made breakfast and brought cake. 

"Babe..." I trail off. 

"Happy birthday!!! We love you." He smiles and places a quick kiss on my lips. 

Hayden, you see, is now 6 months old and has learned that she doesn't like sharing her momma's affection so any PDA around her is rewarded with a resounding scream and maybe some smacks if she's close enough.

"Thank you." I say smiling. "You didn't have to do all this." I say. 

"Nah. I had help." He says looking down at Hayden who's much more interested in whatever is going on with the balloons. "Right, bug? Can you say happy birthday, mama?"   
She doesn't say it, but she does look straight at me while screeching as if knowing it's me he's talking about, and to me, that's everything. 

I look at everything and I'm in awe of everything he pulled out. 

"You got me flowers?!" I exclaim. 

"For your garden." He says proudly as I smell the beautiful red flowers in the pot he got me. 

"Thank you. They're so pretty." 

"Let's eat and then we'll talk about your presents. I'm so excited." He says and I smile. 

He sits across from me with Hayden in his arms as the two of us share breakfast in bed.   
Not too long afterward, she becomes restless. 

"Girl, we talked about this. I fed you so you wouldn't throw a fit over Mama's special breakfast. What's up? Where's our deal?" He asks her and she actually stops to look up at him. It doesn't last long though. Soon she's back to fake crying and trying to get away from him and into my arms. "You're not hungry. I'm sure you're not." He says. 

"It's okay." I say. "This is beautiful and you're amazing and I appreciate the effort but we do have a 6 months old baby." I say and he laughs. 

"Damn, girl. We had a deal." He says as he passes her over to me but he's smiling all the way. 

After we're done with breakfast and she's fed, Harry removes all the breakfast things from the bed. 

"So, these are from miss Hayden." He hands me 2 boxes and I smile. 

One is a framed picture of me and her bathing together.   
I'm holding her against my chest and her little chubby cheeks are resting on my shoulder.   
I was singing her a song because I had been away all afternoon that day and she had grown rather restless and stressed.   
As soon as I got her, she calmed instantly and snuggled close to me. 

"This is one hell of a picture. I didn't even see you take it." I say. 

"I was sitting on the sink. She was fussy all afternoon but as soon as you had her, she calmed down." He said. "You're an incredible mom." He says. 

"Thank you, babe." I say as I place a gentle kiss on his lips. 

It doesn't last as much as I'd like because, like I said, Hayden is not very happy about PDAs these days. 

On the other box, there are matching earrings and a necklace.   
It was engraved with Hayden's initials on one side of the medallion with a flower and an HS+TS on the other side with a cute little heart around it while the earrings were a little white stone matching the encrusted one on the small medallion of the necklace.

"This is so beautiful and it's just like yours." I say and he smiles. 

"Yeah." He says. "We can't forget to get her one too when her birthday comes." He laughs and I do too. "I just liked mine a lot so I thought maybe you'd want one too." He shrugged. 

"I love it. Thank you." I say and we quickly kiss again. 

"Now, moving on to mine." He takes Hayden first and places her near the balloons again. "Here it is." He says as he places 4 boxes on my lap. 

The first one is a framed picture of us at Abigail's wedding. We look incredible and so happy the world could stop spinning and we wouldn't notice.   
And another framed one of the two of us with Hayden at the wedding too. It's also a beautiful picture. 

"I just love your beautiful laughter captured in this picture. I wanna make you feel this way every single day of our lives." He says and I marvel at the moment. 

"This is so beautiful." I whisper. "When did you even get this?" 

"Matt and I are buddies now. He saved it for me." He smirks and I do too. 

"It's amazing. Thank you." I place both pictures back in the box and looking quickly at Hayden to make sure she's distracted, I place a chaste kiss on his lips. 

I open the second one and it's a ring. This one is a large white gold one with small little encrusted blue stones all around it. It's composed of 13 intrinsically tied lines. 10 of them have the stones and 3 are just white gold.

"It's one of your birthstones. Zircon." He says and I put it on my middle finger. 

"This is gorgeous." I whisper. "But you really need to stop giving me jewelry." I smile and he does too. 

"At least I didn't have this one exclusively made." He shrugs. 

"How dare you?" I mock and he laughs as he crashes his lips into mine. Much to the dismay of Hayden who has fallen over while trying to reach me. 

"Come on, open the rest." He says as he picks her up. 

The third one is a smaller box. 

"What is all this?" I smile. 

"Look through them. I thought you'd want to do some of these with your friends and maybe, me." He smiles. 

It contains a gift card for a spa day. 

A gift card for a dinner out at Olive Garden. 

A gift card for a night out at the bluebird cafe. 

A gift card for a night out at the local bar. 

"Free babysitting?" I read the last gift card out loud and he smirks and shrugs. 

"Open the next box." He says. 

The next box is the biggest. 

Upon taking off its lid, the first thing I see is a set of towels. 

"Keep going." He says as I look up at him with a raised eyebrow. 

A bottle of Dancers Pinot Grigio. One of my favorite wines.

A pair of dark red lacy lingerie as well as a black set. 

A card. I take it out to read it. 

"While I know we have a very young baby and therefore can't get away for a weekend,

I hereby vow to you to make this date night as special as it can possibly be, even if it must happen in the afternoon instead.

  
Happy birthday.   
Love, Harry." 

I smile. 

"There's more." He says. 

I look under the wine and there's an envelope. 

"Round trip to Cheshire. 12/29/2016 - 01/10/2017" the decorative tickets say.

"What is this?" I ask smiling. 

"I wanna take you out on a date to kiss you at midnight on new year's eve but it's pretty hard to do that here. I wanted to give you the entire package so I was wondering if you'd like to go on a new year's date with me back in my hometown and a different date so that I can show you how much I love you?" He says and I grin. 

"Yes." I say and he grins too. 

"Good." He says as he kisses me again. 

"What's with the towels though?" I ask amused. "Please tell me it's not a lake thing or whatever you're planning for our date." 

"It's not." He laughs. "I just thought it's more than time for us to have proper towels for after sexy times." He shrugs and I throw my head back laughing. "I even bought the beach ones. They're bigger. And fluffier." He says. 

"I can't believe you." I laugh. "Dork." 

"For you, only the best." He leans over me as I lean back and he places his lips into mine as he starts to settle his body weight onto me. 

Hayden's screaming and fake crying brings us out of the moment. 

"I was here first, you know?" He says to her and she screams louder. 

"I'm just gonna put her down for her nap. Wait here. I think I'm entitled to a different gift that does not fit in any boxes." I smirk and he does too. 

I put Hayden down to nap and return to my bedroom to find Harry waiting in bed. 

"So, where's my other birthday present?" I ask. 

"Cake's right there." He says pointing at the cake on my nightstand. 

"That's for the aftercare." I say. "I want a different kind of dessert now." I say as I climb on top of him. 

"Is that so?" He asks and I nod. "I mean, who am I to deny you of your wishes?" He laughs. 

He kisses me calmly and deeply.   
His hands making quick work under my shirt.   
When I sit up he pulls my shirt off and I smile at how his eyes never fail to go wide at the sight of my breasts. 

His lips encircle my nipples as soon as I lay back. 

"More, please." I say after a while. 

"Can I taste you?" He asks and I nod. 

He goes down kissing my stomach until he reaches my panties waistband.   
He hooks two fingers in them and pulls them off.  
When his lips make contact with my center, I moan loudly. 

"Oh my god. I'm not gonna last." I say and he smiles. 

He builds me up calmly until I'm almost there.   
He stops abruptly and I whine loudly. 

"Nooo." 

"I wanna maximize this for you." He explains.

"No edging, please." I pant out. 

"No edging. I forgot to grab something before I started. Sorry." He says sheepishly. 

I watch as he reaches towards my nightstand and comes back with a vibrator, which might I add, I had never seen before. 

"What the hell?" I say and he smirks. 

"We've never talked about this so I didn't know if you had any toys or not. I didn't want to assume or take chances so I bought this one for you. Can I use it?" He asks and I laugh again. 

"You bought me a sex toy?" He nods. "For my birthday?" He nods again as his smile grows wider. "You're insane." I laugh and he does too. 

"So, can I use it?" He asks again. 

"Yeah." 

He positions himself again and turns the vibrator on. It buzzes to life and we share a look. 

He slips two fingers inside me calmly before the vibrator touches me. 

"Is this ok?" 

"Yeah." 

"Can you fit another?" 

"Maybe. Be careful though." I say and he nods. 

His third finger slips inside slowly and a familiar burning sensation shoots through me as my eyes roll back and a loud moan escapes me again.  
It's enough to be felt but not enough to be unbearable. 

"Does this feel good?" He asks as he starts pumping his fingers in and out of me. 

"Yeah. So good." I whisper as he curls his fingers inside me. 

He touches my center with just the tip of the vibrator and I arch off the bed instantly. 

"Too much." I rasp out when he pulls back. 

"Painful?" He asks. 

"No. Just too much. It'll get me overly sensitive very shortly." I say and he nods. 

"How about now?" He asks as he sets it down a notch. 

"Good. But it'll be over very fast." I say and he nods. 

"We don't want that." He says as he takes it down another notch. "how about now?" 

"Good." I say and he smiles. 

He massages me with it for a while before I'm once again on the edge. 

"Harry..." I pant. "Please... I'm- Harry..." 

"It's okay, love. Let go. I've got you." He says. 

When I finally reach it, it gives me huge waves before I finally calm down enough to be aware of my surroundings. 

Harry hasn't stopped with the fingers but has now switched the vibrator for his tongue instead. 

It doesn't take long for his motions to build me up a second time.

By the time he's finished, I'm convulsing with pleasure and he smiles as he rests his face on my thigh. 

"Good?" He asks as he holds one of my hands and the other rests two of his fingers inside me. 

"Amazing." I say smiling and he does too. 

When he climbs up my body again, he kisses me deeply and I can taste myself in his tongue. 

"I thought it was three fingers in there." I say looking up at him while he licks his fingers clean.

"It was but it's hard to move properly with three so I pulled one out." He laughs. "Scared I'd hurt you."

"Damn... I was so into it that I didn't even notice you took one out." I chuckle and he kisses my lips gently. 

He reaches between us and lines up to my entrance. He pushes just the tip in and again the burning sensation of being stretched is felt as a welcome familiarity.   
His whole shaft is inside in a matter of seconds and he rests on top of me for a minute. 

"Are you okay?" I ask as he breathes hard on top of me. 

"So tight." He pushes out through a grunt. 

I stay quiet at that as I don't really know what else to say.

"Are you lubed enough?" He asks looking up at me. 

"Yes." I chuckle.

"Did it hurt going in?" 

"No. Why?" 

"You feel tighter than you normally are." He says. "Like, way tighter?" 

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" I ask unsure. 

"Good. For me. But for you, it means that I'll be done faster than you can say 'orgasm' to be honest." He chuckles and I laugh. "I'm scared I'll thrust and end up hurting you though." 

"You won't. It's ok." I say as I adjust a bit. "You can move." 

"Hm... Baby, spread your legs. That should help." He breathes hard and I comply. 

"Better?" I ask. 

"Yeah." He says as he plants a kiss on my lips. "How do you want it?" He asks starting to thrust gently into me and I smirk. 

"Rough." I say raising my eyebrows and biting my lower lip and he smiles. 

"A lot or a little?" 

"A lot." I whisper as a grin grows on my lips. 

"We have your mini birthday party to attend later though." He smirks.

"Oh yeah. I forgot." I think about it for a second. "A little then." I say and he nods. 

"Deep?" 

"Yeah." I say as he pulls out so we can change positions. 

He puts both my pillow and his underneath my stomach as I lay face down on the bed this time. 

"Stick it up a bit." He says. 

I stick up my butt in the air for him as I rest all my weight on the pillows underneath me and my face on the matress. 

"Just don't shoot me up in this position. It'll ruin our pillows." I say and he laughs. 

"You got it." He says.

He lines up and instantly, I'm alarmed, and push forward away from him. 

"Wrong place." I say and he chuckles. 

"Sorry." He says sheepishly as he lines up to the right place.

Once he starts pushing into me, he hits deep inside me and I moan loudly.   
The way that I used to be super quiet before I met Harry and now I'm almost a screaming mess every time is still appalling to me. 

He reaches around my hips to rub me and my eyes roll deep into my head. 

As I meet him with each thrust, my breath becomes ragged and next thing I know I'm faltering on my thrusts as I'm being thrown over the edge again. 

I reach down to still his hand that is now approaching the borderline of overstimulation. 

"I wanna switch again." I say to him as he slows his thrusts to allow me to recover. 

"What do you want?" He asks as he gently rubs my back. 

"Hummmm. Vanilla as fuck but can you just love me now? I want it soft." I ask as I look back at him. 

His grin is wide and his dimple pops out now. 

"Anything you want, love. Vanilla or not. I love any position with you." He says and I bury my face back into the mattress. 

I don't know how is it that I can have him banging the shoes off of me from behind like this with no hint of modesty or even a barely there hint of shyness but I blush profusely when he says these stuff. It is what it is, i guess. 

His hands that were up until now rubbing my back gently up until this point is now using my hips as leverage to help me sit up. 

He pulls me to sit back as he pushes the pillows back to their original place so I can lay back. 

He places a gentle kiss on my cheek before letting me go and I smile. 

As I lay on my back now he comes on top of me again never once failing to kiss an entire trail before reaching my lips. 

He nudges my legs a few times as he kisses me while my hands get lost in his back and hair. 

"Love?" He breaks the kiss. 

"Hmm?" 

"Do you want to just cuddle now?" 

"No. I wanna finish you off." I say and he looks down between our bodies. 

"It's just that..." He trails off sounding unsure all of a sudden.

"What?" 

"If I counted right, you came 3 times already. We've never reached 4 times before." He says. 

"I'm aware. I still wanna finish you off." I say quietly and he nods. 

"You don't have to, though. This is your birthday present." 

"You think I don't take great pleasure in watching you release all your energy into me like that?" I say and now he's the one blushing. 

"Point taken." He smiles. "A love session coming right up then." He smiles. 

He pushes back inside and nudges my leg again. 

"Spread it a little." He says. 

"Does it hurt you to move this way?" I ask keeping my legs slightly apart. 

"No. But it might hurt you instead." He says. 

"I'll let you know if it does." I say and he nods. 

He starts off slowly with his eyes fixated on my face looking for signs of pain and discomfort but there's none. 

This time he does it deliberately slow and calmly.   
He kisses my lips every few thrusts and stares deep into my eyes with each and every thrust. Slowly, he buries himself inside me while holding me tightly under him.

"Is this good?" He whispers. 

"Yes." I say and he smiles. 

"I'm so close." He says. 

"Let it go, baby." I say. 

"Do you think you can reach another?" 

"I don't think so." I say. 

"Doesn't it hurt when you're no longer aroused?" 

"Who said I'm no longer aroused though?" I smirk. 

"If you rub me any more, it'll become overstimulation. But inside is a whole different deal." 

"Is there a way for you to reach it without me rubbing you? Like from my thrusts alone?" 

"I don't know. But if there is I don't wanna find out today." I say and he chuckles. 

"Why?" He says giggling slightly. 

"I'm afraid you're gonna drain all my energy. I need that to keep awake for my lunch party." I say and he laughs. 

"I hope you reach it. It'd be hilarious to see you sleeping on your feet on your own party when there is no plausible explanation." He laughs and I do too. 

"In a house where a six months old baby lives, there's always a plausible reason for the parents to be tired. Trust me." I say and he kisses my cheek. 

"I can't wait to test that theory." He laughs and I kiss him. 

"You're welcome to try." I say. 

He pushes in slowly and pulls harder to try and force me into yet another orgasm. 

"Not today, apparently." He says. "I'm so close it hurts." He sighs. 

"Let it go. I'll let you test that theory another day." He nods. 

Within a few more thrusts, he releases, and somehow, to my utter surprise and his, I do too. 

I arch so far off the bed that even his weight on top of me didn't exactly do much to ground me. 

"Holy shit." I hear him say. "You came again." 

I'm still unable to form coherent thoughts let alone full sentences so I remain silent. 

"Are you okay?" He asks sitting up. "You pushed me right off." He laughs. 

Once he sits up though, surprise. 

"Holy shit, Tay. You're like gushing and I'm pretty sure it isn't all mine." He says and I roll my eyes back a bit. 

"I'm what now?" I pant out. 

"There's like a puddle underneath you." He says. "Are you okay?" I nod slightly. 

"That was... That was so intense I thought I was gonna pass out." I pant out and he smiles. "Can you get me some water?" I ask and he instantly gets up. 

"Are you good?" He asks as he hands me the water and climbs up to lay by my side.

"Yeah." I say after I gulp some of it. 

When I turn a bit to put the glass at the nightstand and turn back toward him, there's a cold wet spot there. 

"Ew. It's wet. And cold." I say and he chuckles. 

"That's what I'm saying." He laughs. 

"Shit. Help me get up." I say and he does just that. 

As soon as I touch the ground, I sprint to the bathroom to clean up.   
When I return, he's changing the bed sheets. 

"Do we have time for a nap?" I ask. 

"Yeah. I think so." 

"Come shower with me." I say and he nods. 

"Set the shower. I'll be right there." He says and I nod. 

In the shower, in his arms, as the water rushes down my body I feel content and happy. 

"Best birthday present ever." I say and he laughs. 

"I'm glad you liked it. One is glad to be of service." He says and I laugh. 

When our lips meet again, it's tender, sweet, and loving. 

"Happy birthday, baby. I love you." He says as he squeezes me to his chest. 


	59. Happy birthday, love

After we shower, I head into bed exhausted as Harry holds me against his chest. 

"I'm so tired." I say and he laughs. "And sore." I groan and he places a kiss on my forehead.

"Catch some sleep. It's only 8:30 in the morning. We have some time." He says. 

"Thank you." I say and he looks down at my face. 

"What for?" 

"For loving me. For staying. For not hesitating to fuck me into oblivion when I ask but switching it right off to loving me when I need." I smile. "You are my very best friend and I love you." I say. 

"I could never leave you, love. You have my whole heart." He says gently. "I think fucking you like that be it rough or softly is one of my favorite things ever. My very favorite is this. Having you in my arms. Knowing you're mine. Being yours. You are my very best friend too. And I love you so much." He squeezes me to his chest as he places a tender kiss on my forehead. 

I fall asleep to his gentle breathing and in my dreams this morning, his arms wrap around me and he spins me on air. 

Without a care in the world, my dream is filled with laughter, love and contentment. 

In my dreams, there are no dramas or hate so I lightly get to enjoy the feeling of loving Harry and being loved by him without anyone else's input on what my happiness should look like.

When I wake up again, it's to Hayden's little hands pulling on my shirt. 

"What?" I groan. 

"She's been awake for about an hour and a half now. She's had some bananas and mangos for breakfast but I think she wants milk now." Harry says. "Also, it's 11 am, love. We need to get going soon." He says and I open my eyes fully only to come face to face with Hayden who's now trying to get closer and closer to me. 

"Hello, there. Good morning." I say and she screams a bit in delight. As if she knows she finally succeeded in waking me up. 

As I pull her to lay down and pull my shirt over my head to allow her some skin contact like I do every morning she sighs a bit as she turns to latch on. 

She nurses quietly while Harry and I come up with a plan for the day. 

"Who else is coming?" He asks. 

"Besides Abigail and Matt?" I ask and he nods. "I think Gigi and Selena." I say. 

"Any more plus ones?"

"I don't think so. But count one for each just in case." I shrug. 

"Okay." 

"What time did you set up with my parents?" 

"Noon." He says. 

"We're not gonna make it." I sigh. "I overslept." 

"It's your birthday. You can do whatever the hell you want." He smirks. 

"Yeah, but it's weird not being on time for my own party." I say.

"Blame it on little miss sunshine. One is never blamed for being late when they have a baby." He says proudly and I laugh. 

"You can't blame everything on the baby." 

"Oh. Says the girl who was ready to blame her birthday energy-draining rendezvous on her baby." He laughs. 

"Touché." I say laughing. 

Hayden finishes her nursing session and I get up to get her ready. But not before having a slice of cake.  
I pack her bag while Harry bathes her.   
When he brings her in, I change her into a white long-sleeved onesie with a footed red pair of thick pants and finish off with a white hoodie with red sleeves and another pair of red pants matching to the hoodie.   
I get her in a beanie to protect her from the cold outside and a pair of black boots too. 

Harry has already changed so he holds her so I can change too. 

Once we make it to my parent's house, Austin is already there and so are Abigail and Matt. 

"Happy birthday, honey." My mom hugs me and hands me a paper bag. 

"Thanks, Mom." I say smiling. 

"Happy birthday, honey." My dad hugs me too and gives me another bag. "I think you'll like this one." He smiles. 

"I'm sure I will, dad. Thanks." I say.

"I got you a nice gift this year, you weirdo." My brother says. "Happy birthday, Taffy."

"Thanks." I giggle. 

"Tay... Happy birthday." Abigail squeals as she hugs me tightly. "I'm so happy to celebrate this with you." 

"Thanks, Abby. This means a lot." I hug her smiling. 

"Happy birthday, Taylor." Matt hugs me a bit and hands me two bags. "I don't know which one is which but it's one from me and one from Abby." He chuckles and we all laugh. 

"We can see who chooses the gifts." Austin says. 

"Dude, she's the best friend. Can't risk messing up." Matt says and we laugh again. 

"Thank you, guys. I'm sure I'll love it." I say. 

"Okay, lunch is a bit late today. I burnt the pie today." My mom announces. 

"Ah." I gasp. "Misses almighty kitchen chef burned the pie?" 

"Oh shush. I've burned things before. It's not a big deal." 

"Yeah. But you've always chastised us for burning things. So grill her Taffy." My brother laughs and we high five. 

"Go away you two. Now." She blushes and we all laugh. 

As we head into the living room, I take a detour to leave my presents in my old bedroom to open later. 

Soon, as conversation is now flowing freely, the doorbell rings. 

I get up to answer it and it's Gigi and Selena. 

"Happy birthday." They say in unison. 

"Thanks, guys." I say as I hug them. "Come in." 

As they're coming in, Claire also arrives. 

"Happy birthday, Tay!" She squeals. "I love you." She says as we hug. 

"Thanks. I love you too." 

As the three of them make their way to the living room and greet everyone there, Abigail has better ideas. 

"Let's head to your bedroom instead." She says and we all nod. 

"Harry?" I call him. "I'll be upstairs if you need me." 

"Cool. Go ahead." He says as he stays on the couch with Hayden in his lap watching whatever game of soccer is on with my dad, my brother, and Matt. 

"So, how's your birthday going?" Selena asks. 

"I mean, given everything, good." 

"Tell us about your gifts..." Gigi says giggling. 

"Girl, I got a couple of gift cards for dates and nights out, one for a spa day and some framed pictures." I laugh. 

"Please." She says skeptically. 

"Oh. And this ring." I say showing them the ring Harry had given me that morning.

"Yeah. Yeah... Now tell us about the other present." Selena says. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." I say smiling. 

"Girl, come on." Claire says and we all laugh. "We all saw the way you're walking. You got laid good this morning." She proclaims dramatically.

"Are you kidding? Am I walking funny?" I panic and they all laugh out loud.

"She played you good there." Selena says. 

"Damn." I mumble smiling and they all laugh again. "Fine!" I relent. "What do you wanna know?"

"Did you get your present yet?" She asks. 

"I did." 

"So?" Claire asks expectantly.

"How was it?" Selena says. 

"Good." I say blushing. "I don't know what to tell you." 

"I mean, good like meh. Everyday shit. It was ok. Or good like, wow?" Abigail says. 

"Good like rocked my world so hard he sent me right off into deep sleep. And I'm talking about 'Hayden cried and I didn't hear her' kind of deep sleep." 

"That good huh?" Abigail says as the others laugh. 

"That good." I smirk still blushing profusely. "Weird deal though. He almost got it on the wrong hole. A bit of panic there." I say and they laugh. 

"Girl, you've never..." Claire asks.

"No." I say sheepishly. 

"I'm with Tay on that one." Selena says. 

"Me too." Abigail agrees. 

"I've done it before but like, it's not all that's cracked up to be." Gigi says. "Didn't like it to be honest." 

"I kinda like it." Claire says. 

"Yeah... I do a lot for him but that will likely remain to be not a thing between us." I say and we all laugh. 

"But like, how was it? Did you just like... Say it?" Selena asks. 

"I mean, yeah. He lined up wrong and started to push so I just said 'wrong place' and we both laughed and moved on." 

"Don't you think he might've planned it?" Gigi asks. 

"Nah. He's too much of a sweetheart to do that." 

"I mean, he's a guy." Claire says. 

"Yeah but he's like, the guy who asks me if he can play with my boobs when I literally have just removed my shirt for him. Like what does he think I removed my shirt for? Air my boobs out? But he still asks every single time he's not sure and you know what? I love him for it." I shrug and they all smile. 

"He definitely didn't plan it then." Selena says. 

"Nope. Don't think so." 

"You seem so happy." Abigail says. 

"I am. I am happy beyond any expectations if I'm at all being honest." 

"You deserve it." She says. "So much." 

"Happiness suits you well, girl." Selena says.

"Nope. None of that. You two will not gang up on me to make me cry on my own birthday. No thank you." I say and we all laugh. 

"So, back to our sex lives. Who's next?" Claire asks. 

"Abigail." Gigi says. "Girly just got married. Tell us how things are going."

"I mean, great as ever. But damn, nobody tells you about the things that actually get under your skin when you go live with someone." She rolls her eyes. "But on the good side, it's our place and it's not an apartment so nobody is hearing us now." She shrugs. 

"Oh good because there are sounds in life we can't unhear." I laugh. 

"Bitch, please, after Harry's birthday party you literally banged him good and we all heard you desperately trying to contain his drunk as fuck noises." She laughs hard and we all follow suit. 

"I mean... What can I say? Part two of his birthday present." I say and they laugh.

"What did you give him to bite on though?" She asks and they all pay close attention. 

"What?" I choke.

"I mean, he was pretty quiet after you said 'bite it' so what was it?" She laughs. 

"My panties." I say and they all laugh as I blush deeply. 

"Girl, you've got some unmatched fire that nobody knows about. You go girl!" Gigi says. 

"Who's next?" I ask to divert attention. 

"Next on what?" Austin asks as he opens the door. 

"Dude, ever heard of knocking before?" I ask and he smirks. 

"Neither of us live here anymore." 

"So?" 

"Rules don't apply." He shrugs laying in bed between all of us. 

"Go away. What are you even doing?" I chuckle. 

"Harry is bringing Hayden. Yall's sex talk is over anyway, I might as well get some rest here." He laughs as I punch him on the shoulder. 

"Love, she's a bit restless." Harry says at the door with Hayden as she rubs her eyes and complains a bit. 

I get up to get her from him and when I do, Austin reaches for the presents I have yet to open by the side of the bed.   
He opens one bag and pulls out its contents.   
He laughs for a second.

"Oh, this should be a good present." He says and I look back to see what he found. 

The color drains from my face as he throws the vibrator wand towards Harry and to my utter horror, Harry catches it. 

"Dude, it was a joke. For my wedding." Abigail says and he laughs. "Harry, just put it back in the bag." She tells him and he starts to walk past me to put it back on the bag when my mom shows up. 

"What was a joke?" My mom asks and we all freeze on our spot. 

"A present." Austin throws me under the bus. 

"What was it?" She asks and I look at Harry's wide eye. He definitely doesn't know how to hide a secret from my mom. If asked directly, he's going to spill. 

"It's a..." I start and look back at the girls. 

"Shirt." Abigail saves. "I was gonna give her a joke present but decided against it." She says. "Bought her two cat shirts instead. Can't go wrong, right?" She says and my mom smiles. 

"Yep." She smiles. "Lunch is ready." She says. "Harry, Scott asked if you could help with something on the grill." She says and Harry tenses up with the wand still in his hand and nowhere to hide it. 

"Uhm. Sure." He says taking a step forward and we all panic as to how we're going to hide the toy. 

Last minute, I pick it up and hide it behind my back as I hold Hayden with one hand and Harry turns to leave slightly relieved that he doesn't have to handle that in front of my parents. 

"What's wrong with him?" She asks. 

"Ask Taylor." Austin responds laughing as he sits up. 

"It's nothing. Hayden was restless he came up to bring her to me. Austin is just being annoying. We'll be right down." I say but she doesn't leave. 

"What are you hiding?" She asks skeptically.

"Nothing." I say. 

"Let's go down to eat." She says eying me carefully. 

"I'm just gonna check Hayden's diaper. I'll be right down." I say and she nods and leaves the room. 

"What's crawled up your ass today you little shit?" I say through gritted teeth to Austin and he laughs. 

"How funny would it have been if she actually caught the wand in Harry's hand?" He laughs. 

"I was ready to swear over my life that this was actually your gift to me." I say and he laughs. 

"Touché." He says and we both laugh.

During lunch, I feed Hayden some of my vegetables as she squeals in delight in Harry's lap. 

The conversation is light and fun and then there's a cake and a happy birthday chorus that ends super fast because Hayden gets scared by the loud voices. 

After lunch, all the girls stay to help clean up the kitchen while my mom goes to have some time off with Hayden. 

"I mean, a wand? Seriously?" I laugh and they all do. 

"Girl, I'm pretty sure your mom knows you have a sexual life. Come on." Selena says. 

"I mean yeah, but do we have to make it an allegory parading in front of her?" I say and they laugh. 

"Do you think your mom would even know what that was though?" Claire asks. "Mine sure as hell doesn't." 

"Well, I don't know. I hope not. But what if she does?" I say. "Ugh... Don't want to think about it." I say. 

"I mean come on. She must know." Gigi says. 

"Oh definitely. She must know and if she doesn't, you should introduce it to her. For her lady solo play." Abigail says. 

"Ew. Stop it." I scrunch up my nose. 

"Andrea deserves to know." Abigail says and my mom materializes behind me. Again. 

"What do I deserve to know?" She asks and I jump a mile out of my skin. 

"Jeez." I say with my hand over my heart. "I'm getting you a bell for your birthday." I say and they all laugh. "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing. We just came to check how things were going here." She says. "Don't you girls ever grow tired of talking about sex? Please. Worse than the boys." She says and the girls all burst out laughing while I blush severely and facepalm. 

"Mom." I groan. 

"Mrs. Swift. How exactly did you burn the pie this morning?" Abigail asks. 

"I'll have you know that I just forgot it." She says. 

"What were you thinking about?" Abigail fires back and I'm so red I don't think I can get any redder than this.

"Oh, you know... I was just having some fun time with Scott in the bathro-" 

"MOM!" I scream as I cover my ears. 

"I'm kidding." She says. "I put it on the oven and forgot to check the temperature so it burnt." 

"Jeez." I complain and she laughs. 

After we're finished, we all head out to play games together.   
I play charade with them for a while until Hayden starts to get tired in Abigail's arms. 

"Is she hungry?" Abigail asks. 

"Yeah. And probably overly tired too." I say as I get up to go get her. 

As I take her upstairs to feed and quiet down to sleep, she is refusing to go down. 

"What's wrong my sweet girl?" I ask her as she remains crying while I change her into some footed pajamas we brought for her. "Are you overly tired?" I coo at her and she makes noises that sound like she's agreeing. "It's okay. Mommy's got some milk for you." I say and she resorts to crying. 

As I take off my long-sleeved shirt to be left in only my tank top, I push it down to reveal my breast to her. As I help guide her to the nipple, she refuses to latch on. 

"One of those days, huh?" I ask her and she just cries. 

As I pull it back up and sit her up she cries a bit harder. 

"What's wrong my sweet love bug?" I coo at her and she turns to rest her little head against my neck but the crying doesn't stop. 

I get up to pace her a bit and that does seem to make her feel better. 

"Do you need anything?" Harry asks as he opens the door slightly. 

"No." I say. "I think she's just overly tired." I say and he nods. 

"Did she nurse?" 

"Nope. She doesn't want any yet." 

"Want me to take her?" He asks and I pass her to him. 

Harry's arms do seem to calm her down significantly, but still her cries and her screams, I'm sure, can be heard by the guy three doors down. 

He rocks her calmly and rubs her back and she holds on to his hoodie for dear life. 

"Is everything okay?" My mom asks from the doorway. "She never cries like this." 

"Yeah. It's okay. She does sometimes at home." I say and she nods. 

"Do you need anything?" 

"Maybe a towel. I think a bath would do her some good." I say and she nods. 

After everything is ready, I set her down into the water and she cries so hard she turns red to the face. 

"It's okay, baby. Mommy is right here." I say but she's having none of it. 

By the time I'm finished, she has cried so much that she has in fact managed to trigger my let down reflex and now my tank top has two huge milk spots on them. It's been a while since that happened. 

"It's okay, my sweet girl. It's fine. Mommy's right here." I hug her to my chest and she sniffles a bit while wrapped in my mom's huge towel in my arms.

I leave the bathroom and go into my old bedroom and Hayden is still quite a bit restless but seems to be calming down. 

Both Harry and my mom await at my bed. 

Harry promptly put her in a diaper and massage her little body with lotion. That helps to calm her too.   
Once he's done with that, I put her onesie back but she's not having it and her loud cries invade the room again so I take the onesie back out.  
As soon as I do, she seems to know what's happening as she calms instantly. 

"Okay. Got you." I say to her. 

I remove my tank top and climb into bed with her.   
I pull the covers back to cover both of us and I lay down supporting my head in my left hand.   
I guide her to the left breast and she latches on immediately as she sighs into it. 

"What just happened?" My mom asks. 

"I used to do this a lot for her whenever Harry was in New York. Just let her feel my skin. It usually calms her down pretty well." I say and she nods. 

"Do you need anything else?" My mom asks. 

"No. From here on out it's pretty straightforward. She'll nurse for about an hour then fall asleep for a few hours. But thank you, mom." I say and my mom nods. 

"I'll let everyone know to keep it down." She says as she gets up from the bed. 

"Thanks." 

"You're welcome, honey." 

"What an odd way to finish the day." Harry says as he lays down in front of me behind Hayden. 

"Yeah." 

"Did you have fun?" He asks. 

"I did." I smile. 

"I'm glad." He says. "Happy birthday, love." 

"Thank you." 

After an hour in silence with Harry, Hayden is fast asleep so I set up the bed to prevent her from falling and get up with Harry to head downstairs again. 

I get dressed again and Hayden stirs lightly turning to her side. 

Quietly, Harry leaves the room and I do too. 

Once downstairs, we keep constantly going back and forth to check on Hayden while we have a game of UNO cards going now. 

My mom and dad decide not to play and Austin and Matt remain playing the video game they were playing beforehand. 

"Whoever wins, is safe but everyone else has to take a shot." Is the bet on the table. Except for me. If I lose, I must down a glass of water instead. 

Turns out though, I win more often than not so I end up only drinking 2 glasses of water anyway until the game is done. 

We all have leftovers for dinner as they all share stories with me and soon, it's 8 pm. 

All my friends have left. Austin is passed out on the couch. Hayden is still asleep. Dad is snoring on his reclining chair. Harry is fighting against sleep.

So it's just my mom and me. 

"Did you have a good day, honey?" She asks. 

"Yeah. Thank you." I say and she smiles. 

"Are you and Harry gonna stay the night?" 

"Don't know. Let's see how Hayden wakes up." I say and she nods. 

I get all my presents down to open in the kitchen with her and it's all fun and games.

"Dad just got me a lint remover, two packs of cat treats, and a pair of socks with rubber little dots at the sole. 'Make magic, not electricity.' it says." I read her and she laughs. "On the card, it says that I don't have lints but I do be going around covered in glitter so that might help." I say. 

"He didn't lie." She says and I chuckle. 

"Austin got me a bottle of wine. 'For when you're allowed on the adult's table again.' it says. Such a weirdo." We both laugh at his antics. 

"Gigi got me the newest Giorgio Armani lipstick. I love the color." I put it back. "Selena got me a pizza onesie." I laugh and my does too. "Oh. She has a matching one. Pizza night must happen soon now. It's the law." I joke and my mom laughs. "And Claire got me a few bracelets. They're so beautiful." I say and she nods. 

"Uh. A new journal and a pen. Now that's a cool-looking pen." I marvel. "Let's see what else. Oh. New underwear. Okay. Cute dress. Aw. Thanks, Mom." I say as I hug her quickly. 

"You're welcome, baby."

"Oh. Look at this. One cat shirt with Meredith's aesthetic and one with Olivia's. I love it." I laugh and she does too. "That's from Abigail and Matt." 

Like I say it's all fun and games... Until I forget that a sex wand was in the bag and end up knocking the bag off the counter and therefore, the wand falls to the ground as my mom's eyes widen. 

'So she knows what this is.' I think to myself. 

"Uhm..." 

"So is this what you were hiding earlier today?" She asks as she picks it up chuckling. 

"Yeah. It was just a joke. It wasn't meant to be seen by anyone but Abigail and me." I sigh blushing. 

"Oh. I know." She says. "Listen, honey, we already know that sex isn't news for you. You don't have to be embarrassed about it. Okay? It's ok." She says. 

"Yeah, but we don't have to parade this. Right?" I say and she smiles. 

"No. We do not." She agrees. "But if you need anything or need to talk about it, call Abigail." She finishes and we both laugh. 

"Totally thought this was going somewhere else." 

"I'm kidding. You can call me. Talk to me. It might be a bit weird at first but I'll listen. Just like I listen to everything else in your life. Okay?" 

"Okay. Thanks." I say and she smiles. 

"Is everything okay between you and Harry?" She asks. 

"Yeah. Why?" 

"I don't know. Just checking. You normally don't discuss your sexual life with anyone so I was wondering if anything was wrong in that department and that prompted you to talk about it with the girls." 

"No. Nothing is wrong. I was just telling them..." I trail off as I look up to her. 

"It's okay. I asked." She chuckles. 

"I was just telling them about Harry's presents to me, which includes a spa day, in which I'm taking you." I say and she smiles. "A couple of nights out. A round trip to his hometown. Breakfast in bed and somethings that don't require any more detailing." I say and she raises her eyebrows. 

"I'm glad you two are okay." She says. 

"I'm doing better than I ever was mom." I say and she hugs me to her chest. 

"And I'm so very glad, honey. I'm so very glad." 


	60. Merry Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3/3, guys. 
> 
> Happy reading. 
> 
> See you guys soon.

When Hayden wakes up at 10 pm that night, Harry and I have made the decision to stay at my parents' for the night so we're getting ready to go to bed. 

"Can you hold her a second so I can take a quick shower?" I ask and he nods smirking. 

"Or your mom could hold her so we can shower together." He says coming close and kissing me, raising big protests from Hayden. 

"Are you insane?" I laugh. "We're not about to do that here." 

"Why not? The walls here aren't paper-thin." He says. 

"Neither are they paper-thin in my LA house but that did not prevent everyone from hearing how the second part of your gift went." I chuckle and he does too. 

"Are you kidding?" 

"Nope. Abigail told me today they all heard you up until I made you bite my panties to keep you quiet." 

"Damn." He says and I laugh. 

"Yeah." 

"You're loud. I don't know how that came to be but you're like super loud now." He jokes and I playfully bite his cheek as we laugh. 

Soon there's a knock on the door and I call out for whomever it is to come in. 

"Are you... Oh. She's awake." My mom says as her eyes land on Hayden. 

"Yeah." I say. 

"And she's never going to sleep again so we're sorry in advance." Harry says and we all smile. 

"Oh shush. She'll sleep soon." I say and he shakes his head. 

"Do you want me to keep her until you shower?" She asks. 

"Sure. Thanks." I say as she takes Hayden now. 

Once she leaves the room leaving the towels behind and closing the door, Harry's hands creep up my waist. 

"We're still not showering together." I say and he laughs. "Plus, only one shower head in here. Such a hassle." I chuckle. "I'll be right back." 

After showering I come back to make the bed for both us and Hayden. I make safe barries with her baby blankets to prevent both me and Harry from rolling over her. 

Once we're all finally in bed that night, Hayden quietly plays with her socks for a while. 

"My mom found the wand. I forgot it was there and knocked the bag off the counter." I say and he laughs. "Don't laugh. It was embarrassing." I say and he kisses me while Hayden isn't looking. 

"See, she was half expecting us to get it on." He says and I laugh. 

"No, thank you." I say as his lips brush mine a few times until Hayden notices and starts fake crying. 

As I pull her forward to hug her, she decides she's hungry so I lay her down and feed her.   
Soon she is fast asleep. 

"Told you she'd sleep normally. She is tired." I say and he smiles caressing her hair. 

"Honestly, aren't we all?" He says.

"Yeah. But I had so much fun." I say as I gently kiss his lips. 

"I'm glad, love." 

"One of the best birthdays ever." I say. 

"I love you so much." He says as he kisses me again. 

"I love you too." 

We lay in silence for a while. 

"Harry?" I whisper. 

"Hum?" 

"I do have them." I say. 

"What, love?" He mumbles.

"Toys." I whisper. 

"Oh?" He says. 

"Yeah. We never talked about it. But yeah, I do have them." 

"How come I've never even seen one?"

"I hide them well." I chuckle. "Plus, I just barely use them alone, let alone use them while with you." I say and he kisses me. "But should you ever need them at all, they're at the bottom of my fourth drawer on the right side of my closet." I say. 

"Noted. Thank you." He says.

After that, sleep overcomes me with ease.   
Deep within my soul is the contentment of loving Harry and being loved by him and the profound happiness of being Hayden's mom.   
Today my family and friends came together to celebrate just me. On a Tuesday night, everyone disrupted their lives to come and sing me a happy birthday.   
I mean, if that isn't love, then what is?

Christmas comes creeping up on us faster than we could say Christmas.   
We have decided not to mix our families yet. 

"I don't think we're ready for that yet. Maybe next year. This year we can go to your parents for Christmas and to my parents for new year's." Harry says and it becomes an agreement between us. 

We set a tree up in our house and decorate it together. It's our first tree together and Hayden's first-ever. 

To the sound of Christmas songs, hot chocolate, light conversation, and tender kisses we make this as memorable as we can. 

The pictures we take of this night are the cutest ever.   
Especially the one of Hayden squealing in delight when she places the star on top of the tree and it lights up.

That night when Hayden is asleep in her room and we're alone, Harry enters me quietly and calmly while his lips never leave mine. He brings me to a sweet release as he holds me to ground me. 

In a million years I could never have seen this coming.   
I have been in love with Harry since we first got together when I was almost 23 and to be honest, I don't think, through the years, that I have ever stopped loving him. 

I've dated other people since and so has he, but at least on my end, no one has ever lived up to the expectation he set up.   
Now the bar is way too high and nobody loves me the way he does. 

The fact that he went from an 18 years old boy to an amazing full-blown husband material and daddy to my baby in a span of just less than 3 years is actually incredible.

Our days of tour rendezvous are behind us, but surely, the fire in our souls remains the same, and every time he touches me is like he takes me back to the high that I used to feel when we met in secrecy in our hotel rooms all over the world.

Falling asleep at night to his arms encircling me and his warmth surrounding me has now become my idea of forever.

When the morning of Christmas Eve comes, I'm excited and busy.

I'm baking a couple of things to take to my parents' home later for dinner. 

I wake up at 5 am that morning and leave Harry fast asleep with Hayden's monitor by his side as she too is fast asleep. 

By 7 am I hear his footsteps down the stairs. 

"Good morning." He says kissing me as he comes close to me with Hayden in his arms. 

"Good morning." I kiss him back. 

"What is all this?" He asks. 

"Christmas, babe." I say and he smiles a bit. 

His hair is disheveled and so is Hayden's. They're the cutest sight this morning. But I need to avoid getting distracted by that or else, I'm sure we'll have a bunch of burnt stuff. 

I send him on his way with a bottle for Hayden and some cookies for him and he goes to set up camp in the living room. 

I watch in awe of him as he cuddles her up and quietly feeds her with the most adoring eyes I've ever seen. 

She plays with the ends of his hair while he feeds her and he smiles down at her as I watch and at last, I've found my truest love and my favorite safe place.

Remembering that I have more things to do, I go back to my counter where I can't really watch them anymore, and instead, I listen for their sounds only. 

After watching some cartoons with her though, she grows restless and so he takes her upstairs. 

"Are you a bit cranky, bug?" He coos at her. "Do you need a bath and a nap, sweet girl?" She gurgles in response and I guess that's good enough for him as he now leaves to do just what he offered her. 

When they come down again, she's fresh out of a bath, smelling super nice, and dressed in her reindeer little outfit.

I smile and he places another kiss on my lips on his way to the living room. 

I can hear Hayden's delighted squeals as he plays with her on her playmat for a few hours. 

By the time I'm done baking and start our lunch routine, Hayden grows a bit tired of playing and wants to be picked up. 

He brings her to sit at the counter in the kitchen so she can see me. 

"Love, I think you've baked too much for just one night." He chuckles looking at all the things I baked and have now put on containers to take later. 

"I did not." I say and he laughs. "This is supposed to last two days. Tomorrow the only thing I'm gonna be doing in this kitchen is eating." I say and he laughs. 

"Fair enough." He says. 

As I put the chicken to seal on the frying pan and put a lid on it, I rest my elbows on the side of the counter near where they're sitting. 

"What?" He says as I stare at him smiling. 

"Can't wait to share our first Christmas morning as a family." I say and he smiles. 

"Me too, love." He says as he reaches a bit to kiss me.

As we have lunch, Hayden has her own potato to chew on and that seems to be her new favorite thing as she kicks and squeals in delight at the table. 

After lunch, Harry does the dishes as I take Hayden to nurse for a bit. 

She has now taken to hide her little feet under my shirt every time I feed her in her rocking chair or hide her hand in my shirt when she can't fit her feet. 

She nurses for about 45 minutes before she starts to fall asleep. 

I place her in bed and head downstairs to find Harry starting to prep things to take for dinner. 

"What time are we going to your parents?" He asks. 

"Around 7 pm." I say. 

"We're ahead of the game then." He says looking at the clock. 

"Yep." I smile. 

"Maybe we have some time." He says smiling and coming to hold me from behind. 

"Harry." I warn and he laughs. 

"What?" He says as he kisses my neck. "Perfectly innocent." 

"Yeah. Right. I know where this is going." I say and he laughs. 

"I'm not doing anything. Just kissing my girlfriend." He says as he presses me against the counter while his hands press firmly on my stomach and hip.

"You're gonna makes us late." I say. 

"50 bucks says we're gonna be right on time." He says and I smile. 

It doesn't take long for me to be bent over the top of the kitchen counter while he pounds into me. 

True to his words, he finishes me off quite quickly and follows suit not too long afterward, and therefore, we have plenty of time to finish things off before we head out. 

We shower together while Hayden is still asleep and then as he heads to the kitchen to finish what we didn't finish earlier, I head upstairs to pack up for Hayden and get her ready. 

I change her into a Christmas-themed outfit after I bathe her and she smiles all the way. 

Once she's ready, I take her downstairs to meet Harry and go. 

"Ready?" He asks and I nod. 

Once at my parents' house, we have a pretty nice time as a family. 

Dinner is a fun affair with light conversation and cute little interjections from miss Hayden. 

After dinner, we eat some of the pies we had ready, and this time, Harry and I head home. 

Morning comes faster than what we would've liked though. 

"Morning, love." He says as he kisses my neck. "Do you want an early gift?" He asks and I smirk. 

"Not if that gift is gonna put me right back to sleep." I say and he laughs. 

"I'll be gentle. I promise." He says and I nod smiling. 

This morning he is sweet and gentle and calm just like he promised. There's no great exertion and no energy-draining movements.   
Just his lips on my lips and neck, his hands on my legs, and his whole body moving in synchrony with mine to create the sweetest release we've had in a while. 

When he collapses on my chest breathing hard, I tangle my hands up in his hair again. 

"Merry Christmas." He says. 

"Merry Christmas, babe." I say. 

Soon, Hayden makes her awareness known through the monitor.   
Her little gurgles and squeals give us about 10 minutes to get up and clean up before heading out to pick her up. 

We make quick work of that and soon I'm on my way to go give her her morning feeding session. 

"I can't believe it's her first Christmas. Feels like she was just born yesterday." I marvel at her little face as Harry watches from her window seat. 

"Tell me about it." He sighs. "Don't you catch yourself wishing you could bottle her up to keep her this little forever?" He asks. 

"Everyday." I say and he smiles. 

Once she's done, we head downstairs for our very first Christmas together. 

We exchange our gifts first before letting Hayden open hers. 

Harry gets me a set of rings planetarium-themed. 

I give him a set of rings too. But his is rock and roll themed.

We both enjoy our gifts to each other very much if I say so myself. 

"Alright, Missy. We've got you two gifts here." I say to Hayden and she flails her little hands as she squeals a bit. 

I don't think she knows what's going on but she sure seems to be in love with the Christmas lights. 

I help her tear down some of the wrapping paper around her gifts and she laughs more about the paper than the gift itself. 

I got her a blocks game for her to learn how to pile things up.

The next one is a cute little doll named Julia that Harry got her. She seems to like the doll's hair more than the doll herself. 

We laugh quite a bit when she actually tried to eat the doll's hair. Hard lesson learned today. Hair is disgusting no matter the source. 

We have some of the cookies from the kitchen as we let Hayden play on the rug with her new blocks and Julia.   
Those two things entertain her longer than we expected.   
By the time we want to just cuddle on the couch together as we watch a movie, she resists all the way refusing to go down without a fight. 

We end up watching Love, actually together during that morning. 

I feel Hayden drifting off to sleep on top of my chest as I rub her back on top of her little pajama set, matching ours. 

Once the movie is done, we realize it's 9:30 am. 

"We should get going." Harry says. 

"We should." I say with my eyes closed. 

"In order to agree with that statement on a relevant level, you need to start moving to get up." He chuckles. 

"It's ok. I wanna agree on an irrelevant level." I say and he laughs out loud now waking Hayden up slightly in the process. 

"Get up. It's my first Christmas with your parents. I don't want to disappoint or be late." He says and I smile. 

"They love you already. You have nothing else to prove to make them love you." I say. 

"But I still wanna be there on time." He says and I smile. 

"Fine." I relent. 

Helping me to my feet and grabbing Hayden's pre-packed bag and her blankets, we head out to the car very much dressed in our matching pajamas.

The round of 'Merry Christmas' goes around for a minute before we are all sitting somewhere in the living room to exchange gifts. 

Harry gets my dad a new tennis racket, my mom a beautiful necklace with Hayden's little fingerprint, and Austin with a new lens for his camera. They all seem to love it.

They all get gifts for us too and it's quite fun to open them all out. 

Together, my parents filled Hayden with 23 different presents, which includes a baby-sized little car toy thing for the baby to stand up and push around as she learns how to walk. 

"You do realize she's not yet old enough for this, right?" I ask and they laugh. 

"Could've been worse." Austin deadpans. "Could've been a tiny bike. I talked them out of it." He says and we all laugh. 

It's a lovely morning and afternoon with my family.   
We eat probably way more than what we needed and felt like we couldn't move afterward but it sure was fun. 


	61. First night out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys... So, here's another chapter.   
> This one is super long and now I regret not having written it in two parts.  
> But oh well... Lmao  
> Single chapter tonight.   
> Happy reading. :)

The next few days go by in a blur and I now find myself being engulfed by Anne's huge hug. 

"Oh. You guys are finally here." She squeals. "I've missed you." She kisses my cheek as I hold on to Hayden. "Come inside. It's freezing." 

Once inside, she hugs and kisses Harry too before she comes for Hayden. 

"I've missed you so much, my little bug. Oh my god." She says and Hayden squeals in delight. 

Apparently, she's a people's baby. 

Anne takes Hayden as Harry and I take our coats off and she guides us back to her living room where Robin awaits. 

"Harry!" He says as they shake hands and hug each other. "I've missed you so much." He says. 

"I've missed you too, Rob." Harry says as he squeezes Robin.

"Taylor. So nice to see you too." He says as he wraps me in a hug too.

"You too." 

"I feel old getting emotional over seeing my boy with his family for the holidays." He says and we chuckle. 

Gemma is not yet home so we share a lovely morning with Harry's mom and stepdad instead.

As the morning progresses a bit, Harry shows his parents his new album as it is coming together and I, half unintentionally, half in pure awe and admiration, listen to their reaction from the armchair I'm sharing with Hayden. 

"I just... I didn't want to just write stories. You know?" Harry tells his mom but his eyes are glued to mine. "So I wrote an album based on my stories. About the things I've been through." He says. 

"I'm so proud of you." Anne whispers and I know that her eyes are filled with tears though, in this specific moment, I can't see her face. 

He plays the songs on a small speaker he used to carry around as a young boy and I watch in awe of his creation as well as in awe of the seemingly full circle he pulled when he started out on those speakers as a young boy who knew nothing outside of Cheshire and came back to those speakers as the man who has traveled the world and is now returning to his start point of creational catharsis.

"This song... It's so beautiful, baby." Anne says as she touched his face and I can hear the tears in her voice. 

It feels almost forbidden to be a spectator at this moment. As if it's a private moment for just them and I'm somehow intruding on a magical process. 

But then again, where else would I be with a 6 months old baby? 

So instead, I watch in deep respect and admiration as Harry explains the meaning behind "Sign of the times" both pertaining to our relationship as well as the perspective he chooses to write from in general. 

"I've always known you were an artist, love. From the minute you could walk, you've always carried yourself as one. I had no doubts you'd reach the top of the world. But somehow, you just never cease to amaze me. You just... You just never cease to surprise me. I'm so proud of you." Anne says once the album is through. 

"Thanks, mummy." Harry mumbles as Anne squishes his face against her in a powerful hug. 

"I love you forever." She says and he repeats the words back to her. 

"Son, I'm so-" Robin's voice fails when it's his turn to speak. 

"It's alright. Don't need to say it. You're gonna make me cry." Harry manages to push out while keeping his tears in. 

"No. I need to. I need to tell you that you're an incredible young man and that you are one of the finest young artists I've ever seen. Son, you did such a good job. This is an incredible record and I'm so very proud of you." Robin says and Harry breaks down in happy tears. 

At this point I definitely feel like an intruder and thank God, Hayden provided me with just the right excuse to get out as she complains a bit hungry. 

Quietly, I slip out of the room and get into Harry's old bedroom so I can feed her and though I can still hear all the words of encouragement from his family, I no longer bear witness to the moment, so I just stay there calmly feeding the baby while Harry gets lived up by his parents. 

Soon, when Gemma finally arrives, it's time to share late Christmas presents. 

I give Robin new fishing gear and give Anne a locket with Hayden's picture inside and for a second, I thought she was gonna cry for the second time that day.

"This is so beautiful, Taylor. Thank you." She marvels at Hayden's little face in the locket. 

"You're absolutely welcome." I smile. "I'm glad you like it." 

Hayden, once again, leaves with the most gifts. 30 in total. 

Between books, clothes, shoes, and toys, her favorite is a little texturized purple rubber glove Robin got her. 

The level of drool is a downside of this, but she's probably gonna start teething soon, and this seems to help quell her incessant need to chew her own fingers so the good outweighs the bad.

It's all fun and games until she tries to fit the whole glove inside her mouth, though.   
For obvious reasons, fails miserably and proceeds to cry. 

"You can't fit that whole thing in your mouth, baby." I tell her, but she's frustrated and doesn't care, so she continues to cry. 

"Come here, baby. Was mommy being mean to you?" Harry coos at her jokingly but somehow she makes noises that sound like she's agreeing with him. "It's okay. Daddy will let you fit the whole glove in your mouth when mommy isn't looking. You're okay." He says and she quiets down. 

"That was mean. Mommy is not mean, right baby?" I slap him jokingly and he laughs. 

"All is fair in love and in calming babies down, love." He laughs and I stick my tongue out at him. 

The rest of the day is filled with good conversation, laughs, amazingly cooked food, and a lot of doting and attention towards Hayden, which she loves, mind you. 

The next morning, Hayden seems to be fully integrated with the family too. Faster than we thought.  
I even manage to take a good shower and help cook lunch without her being fussy at all as she stays with Gemma and Robin. A new record, I'd say. 

"What are you guys doing for New Year's Eve?" Anne asks as I help her make lunch. 

"Don't know. Harry's the one with the plans." I chuckle. 

"We're going to that party I told you about, mom." 

"Good. Good. More time for me to love up my baby bug." She smiles and we do too. 

Time goes by rather quickly. 

"I wanted to take you out sometime before New year's Eve. So you can get acquainted with my friends and all. What do you say?" Harry says as I bathe Hayden later that afternoon.

"When though? And where?" I ask as he passes me her shampoo. 

"Today. To a pub nearby. I can call a couple of my friends to meet us there." 

"I don't know, babe." I say. 

"It'll be just a couple of hours." He says. 

"Who's gonna keep Hayden though? We didn't plan for this." I sigh. 

"My mom can keep her. We can trust her. She wouldn't let anything happen to Hayden. I'm sure." 

"I'm absolutely sure of that too." I say looking back at him. 

"But?" 

"But maybe we should do this tomorrow. I can't just up and leave her. I need some time to pump for her, to get her in a good enough mood that she won't cry as soon as I leave, to instruct your mom on how to handle her properly..." 

"To prepare yourself mentally." He completes. 

"Yeah..." I trail off. 

"I get it. It's ok. But can we do it tomorrow?" He asks. 

"Sure. But make sure you ask first if she can keep Hayden so we can go out. Don't just spring a baby upon her." I say and he nods helping me wrap her up in her towel now.

"I will." He kisses me quickly. 

The next morning I feel his lips on my cheek before I even open my eyes. 

"Wake up." He whispers. 

"Why?" I mumble half whining. 

"We're going out." He says. 

"Right now?" I ask still with my eyes closed. 

"Yeah." He says. 

"Where?" 

"Bakery." He says. "I've been dying to take you there for a while now. And I wanted them to meet Hayden." He says. 

"It is 6 am." I say opening my eyes to look at the clock on his nightstand. 

"It's when it's least crowded there." He says. 

"She's gonna be cranky." I warn. 

"Eh." 

"Fine. Your own account." He nods and kisses me on the cheek again. 

As we head out with Hayden in quite a few layers of clothing and a blanket at 7:30 am, Harry's smile can't be matched. 

We walk into the bakery at almost 8 that morning with Hayden held flushed against my body with a blanket to avoid the cold and thin rain that set up to happen this morning as the sun rises amidst grey clouds on the far horizon. 

As we walk up to the counter though, a young girl looks up to greet us. 

"Good morning. How can i-" she stops dead in her tracks. "Oh my god." She exhales. 

"Hi there." Harry smiles and I swear the girl could absolutely faint. 

"You're Harry..." She seems to be out of words right now. 

"Styles. Yeah." He says and she squeals in joy. "I was wondering if Edith was here today?" 

"Yes." The girl says after a minute. "I'll go get her." She says. 

I look apprehensively at Harry and he wraps his arm around my shoulder. 

"It's ok." He whispers as he kisses my hair quickly. 

"Harry!" An older woman comes to greet him and soon she evelops him in the biggest hug ever. "So good to see you, son. How have you been doing?" She asks. 

"I've been doing alright." He says. "This is my girlfriend, Taylor." He points at me and steps aside so she can see me properly. "And our baby, Hayden." He says and the woman's smile couldn't be bigger. 

"Love, this is Edith. She used to pinch my bum every day when I worked here." He laughs and she pinches him again. 

"Oh piss off, you." She tells him as she comes closer to me. "Taylor, is it?" She asks. 

"Yes, ma'am." I say. 

"So nice to meet you, Taylor." She says as she pulls me into a hug too but a much lighter one as she's mindful of Hayden in my arms. 

"Nice to meet you too, ma'am." I say as I smile. 

"Can I see that cute baby of yours?" She asks and I pull the blankets out a bit. "Oh my goodness. What a gorgeous little baby." She says. 

"Thank you, ma'am." I say. 

"I made her." Harry says proudly and she smacks him a bit. 

"She's all her mother. Please. Aren't we all glad?" She smiles. "You're a gorgeous young lady. This lad lucked out big time didn't he?" She says as her hands support my chin to look at her. 

"Thank you so much, ma'am." I say as I blush a bit. 

"Let's go back to the kitchen. Get some layers off. It's quite hot in there." She says and Harry helps me get out of some of the layers we had and to get Hayden off of her outer layers too. 

Hayden, who had been asleep up until this point is now wide awake and just as predicted, very cranky. 

Considering she just spend the whole night awake because of jetlag and now, when she just went to sleep not 3 hours ago, to be rudely awoken in a whole different place than what she went to sleep on with a whole set of different people is the recipe to disaster. 

She refuses to take the bottle we brought her so I have to resort to what I know will calm her down. 

"I need to feed her a bit." I whisper for just Harry to hear. 

He turns around quickly while saying "You can feed her right-" he cuts off when my eyes challenge him to say I can feed her right here. In public. 

Don't get me wrong but, I still seclude myself every time she needs to nurse when I'm around my family or his. What makes him think I'd be okay flashing all these women here? 

"There's a pantry. It's warm in there too." Agnes suggests. 

"That would be good, ma'am." I say to her. "I promise she's a whole new baby once she's properly fed." I say and they all chuckle. 

Harry takes me to the pantry and I sit down on a chair he brought me.   
Feeding her with all the layers between us is a bigger hassle than I predicted but I manage. About 30 minutes later, she's doing better and is much calmer so I finish her nursing session early. 

Just like I had promised them, once we return, she's a much happier baby and delights herself on being passed around them all. 

"I can't believe I had you working here when you were 14. You were a baby then and now you have a baby of your own." Edith says when Hayden is finally placed in her arms. "She's a beautiful little girl, Harry." She says. 

"Thank you." He says and she smiles. 

"I'm so glad you brought them here." She says. "It's so nice to finally see you so completely happy." 

"Tay makes me the happiest I've ever been if I'm being at all honest." He says as he pulls me closer with his one hand around my shoulders and I blush profusely. "It was only right to bring her to meet you with the cutest present we've made together. Honestly, I couldn't be happier with them." 

"Thank you, Taylor. For making this spitfire so happy. He's a good man. Deserves all the happiness in the world. Thank you for doing that for him." She looks deep into my eyes. 

"Oh, ma'am. He does that for me too. Makes me the happiest I've ever been. So I guess it's my pleasure." I say and she nods. 

"Harry is like a grandson to all of us." She says. "We watched that spitfire grow for quite a while when he was here and then watched in awe as he took the world in stride. He's grown so much and changed so much but that smile he permanently has on his face hasn't changed. He was always smiley. He was always this charming little thing. But that smile? I've never seen it look so real and come so easy. He truly is happy with you, and for that, I'm so stoked." She says and I smile. 

"Harry?" Iris call. 

"Yeah?"

"One thing though?" She says and he raises his brows a bit. "Where's that ring, child?" She says and I blush so hard I'm ready to drop dead. 

"Oh my god." He groans. "Are you trying to scare her off?" He says as I look down. 

"She's more than ready." Agnes agrees. 

"What are you even doing?" Edith asks and Iris smacks the back of his head.

"Put a ring on it." Edith says. "Or she won't stick around." She smacks him upside the head too. "Good ones never wait." She says and waits for a second. 

"I will. Soon." He says now looking at me. 

Edith smacks him upside the head again. 

"Don't look at her like that. It's not like she's gonna tell you she wants it right now. She's a keeper. She'll always agree to your terms because she wants to be with you. But put a ring on it or she might just leave with the rain, son." She says. "I thought we had raised him better." She says looking back to Agnes before another smack comes. "Taylor, sweetie. I'm so sorry." She jokes and I laugh. 

"That's it. I'm gonna leave. I'm being abused. I'm gonna tell my mom." He jokes and we all laugh. 

"Come on, you dummy. Let's put something in her stomach while you man up to put something on her finger." She laughs and he groans again. "Oh, there it is. The forever groaning teenager we first met." She says and he laughs a bit as he takes my hand to go sit down to eat. 

She gives us a bunch of things to try on and everything is insanely good.  
After almost a half-hour of calmly eating everything they present us with in small portions, Hayden, who has eaten a couple of things with fruit stuffing too, has resorted back to being cranky. She's tired and not entirely full, so that's to be expected. 

Harry takes her this time and she seems content enough for another 20 minutes before she becomes fussy again when she's no longer interested in his food. 

"Maybe we should head back." Harry says. "Get her to nap a bit?" And I nod agreeing. 

"Ugh. So soon." Agnes says. "Are you in town a bit longer?" She asks. 

"For another 8 days roughly." He says. 

"Good. Come back if you have some time." She says. "But only if you bring Taylor and Hayden." She smirks and he feigns offense. 

"I came out here, to this point, to this place, hoping against all hope and despite all signs and portends suggesting otherwise that I might, somehow, find myself having a pleasant experience and yet, here I stand, alone against the world, feeling assaulted, attacked on all fronts." He recites dramatically. 

"That's kinda like Oscar Wilde for 'I came here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.'" I say and they all laugh as Harry does too. 

"We really need to get going. It was lovely to see you all again. Thank you so much." Harry says. 

"Yeah. Thank you so much. I had the best time." I say and they all smile. 

"You're welcome here anytime." They say and we nod. 

As we put our coats back on and Hayden's overall, we head for the door. 

"Oh. Wait. Danielle, is it?" I ask and the girl making heart eyes at Harry from the counter looks back at me. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Would you like a picture with Harry?" I ask and she nods rapidly. "You can post it but maybe refrain from telling them how long we're gonna be here for?" I ask and she nods. 

"I'll do you one better, ma'am. I'll hold on to it until I get word that you two have left." She says. "We love Harry in this town but we also want him to feel normal amongst us. He has the whole world going crazy over him, he doesn't need that from his hometown too." She smiles. "I'm sure you understand it yourself." 

"Damn. Now I want to take her home with me to teach my hometown how to leave me alone too." I joke and she laughs. "Thank you. We appreciate that." I tell her and Harry goes back to take a picture with her too after all the pictures we took with all the other ladies from the kitchen. 

"If it isn't too much to ask, can I have a picture with you too?" She asks and I nod. 

Harry takes a picture of Danielle and me while holding Hayden with his other hand.  
In an attempt to shelter Hayden, we have yet to allow any pictures of her face to surface online and so we subtly keep her out of Danielle's pictures with us. 

While the kitchen crew has pictures with Hayden's face on it and I'm praying that they won't let it get out, they're much less likely to leak a picture than Danielle from the high ends of her barely-there 17 years of age. 

We head home with a bunch of things for breakfast but we have surely had enough at the bakery, so when we head inside the house again, we have a cup of tea and Harry stays to keep his family company while I go feed Hayden and put her down to sleep. 

Hayden once again doesn't know how to handle the jetlag. She's awake all night, asleep all morning, her happiest self all afternoon, and her crankiest self all evening long until her nap that would equal her afternoon nap back at home. 

The next day comes and the battle with it continues raging within the small body of little miss sunshine, whose power is so intrinsically tied to her emotions that we fear making her upset at this point because she can absolutely render us to our knees if she wants. 

So late afternoon, I'm back in bed feeding that little shark.

Unexpected, Harry comes in with a huge smile. 

"What?" I ask him. 

"Nothing." He plays it down. "I was just wondering if you wanted to go out again today." He says. 

"Where to?" I ask. 

"That pub we were talking about the other day." He explains. "And before you say anything, I asked my mom, and she and Robin are more than happy to keep Hayden. We could go at 5 and return by 7." He says. 

"I don't have any pumped milk to leave for her." I tell him. 

"We'll be gone for barely two hours. I think she can handle the wait. Just like she handled your show." He shrugs. 

"Well, I was close by then in case she needed me." I say. 

"We're gonna be 20 minutes away, love." He says and I sigh. "You don't have to go if you don't want to. But I really wanted us to ease back into going out for a bit. I think she's old enough to handle it." He says and I nod. "Plus, I really miss you. The Taylor my girlfriend, not the Taylor my baby's mama." He says and I nod. 

"Okay. We can go." I say and he smiles again and quickly places a kiss on my lips. 

Later that day, after a shower, some makeup, and a hairdryer, I sit in bed half-naked with Hayden. 

"Mommy's gonna be back soon, baby. I promise." I tell her as she nurses. 

She doesn't seem to understand what's about to go down so she finishes off and slip right into a nap again.   
A really short-lived one. Only 20 minutes. Mostly because she feels relaxed and calm after nursing for so long so she thinks it's sleepy time. 

When I go to the living room to give her to Anne, my heart pulls a little. 

"I'll be back soon, baby." I tell Hayden hugging her tight. 

"I'll keep her safe, honey. Don't worry." Anne says. "Have a good time."

"I'll try." I say as tears pools in my eyes. 

"It's the first time we leave her with someone without either of us present." Harry says as he comes to wrap me in his arms. 

"Oh. That's tough." Anne says. "She'll be alright though. You will too." She says. 

"Come on, Tay. She'll be fine." Harry says pulling me back towards the door. 

"She's gonna cry." I say. 

"And she'll live." Harry says. "I promise." He looks into my eyes. 

"Will you call me if she needs me?" I ask and Anne nods.

"Come on." Harry says and I finally relent heading to the door. 

We get to the pub and Harry soon spots his friends. 

He greets them all with laughs and words of 'missed you, mate' and then proceeds to introduce me. "This is my girlfriend, Taylor." 

Nick greets me excitedly first and instantly asks where my baby is at. 

"Oh, she's home with Harry's mom." I answer and they smile. 

"Shame. Wanted to check out that little cute face in person." Nick, one of his friends, said. 

"Can't be bringing a baby into a pub, you weirdo." Harry says and they all laugh. 

"Which is why y'all should've come to my house instead. But do y'all knuckleheads ever listen? No..." A friend, whose name is, funnily enough, Abigail, said and everyone laughs. "This one purposefully avoids listening to me like it's his job." She points at Harry and we laugh. 

"I've been successfully avoiding your advice since... Well, since I can remember. It's a new Record." Harry laughs. 

"So nice to meet you, Taylor." She shakes my hand laughing. 

"You too." I smile gently. 

"Really nice to meet you, Taylor." Will, another friend shakes my hand now as I smile saying "Likewise." In response. 

After a good conversation gets flowing upon drinking some tea and beers for Harry, Gemma, who just got here, and Harry's friends, I finally start having a good time. 

"We should play some pool." Harry says and everyone agrees. 

Harry beats the other duo easily with his mate Will. 

"We won, mate. Fair and square." Harry says before he plays against the other duo and comes really close to losing, but ends up winning. 

With a grin from ear to ear, he celebrates as Gemma and I watch. 

"I wanna see you beat Taylor and me then." Gemma says from the stools we're seating on. "Everyone is royalty until they meet the queens." 

"You and Taylor?" Harry asks laughing. "Taylor doesn't play pool. Scrabble is her thing, dude. She's a board and deck games dork." He says laughing as everyone snickers. 

"Oh, really?" I ask. "I challenge you for solo play then." 

"You don't know how to play this, love. You'll lose." He says. 

"Then you've got nothing to worry about. Right?" I smirk. 

"Fine. Come here." He says. "I'll give you a head start. You first." He says. I know he's just trying to see how serious he needs to play with me so I get up and position myself all wrong so as to deceive him on my abilities. "You're so screwed." He laughs as I miss it. "I could beat you in my sleep." He says and I shrug. "Hold your cue like this." He says as he gets behind me. 

"Oh. Get a room." Gemma shouts and I smirk. 

"Get it?" He says and I smile nodding. "If I win, what's my prize?" He whispers. 

"Whatever you want." I say. 

"You know what I want." He says. "On my childhood bed." He says. "No excuses." 

"Sure." 

"I got this on the bag." He laughs. 

He takes his shot and gets two balls in before missing the third. 

When I take my shot this time, I pocket 4 balls of the eight I need. 

"You lied to me." Harry says. 

"No. You got overly confident at pool and assumed I didn't know the game." I smirk. "Did you not see the huge pool table at my parents' house and the one on long island?" I ask. "Whose tables do you think those are?" I ask. "Hint. Not my parents'." I say and he laughs. "Austin and I played this a lot growing up." I say. 

"It's on then." He says and I smirk. 

Turns out, by the time I pocket ball number 8 after having pocketed 1 through 7, Harry is still missing 3 of his originals, so I win. 

"My life was a lie." He fake cries. "Got my ass handed to me right now." He says and his friends laugh hard with him. 

"Mansplain things to her again." Gemma mocks and I laugh. 

I play another round against Harry but this time with Gemma and Will too. 

After that, we mix up the teams and playing with Harry eventually against Gemma and Nick, they end up winning.

After a while of listening to childhood stories from Harry's friends, we decide to head back. 

When I walk in, Hayden is in Robin's arms being gently rocked back and forth. 

"Everything okay?" I ask and as soon as she hears my voice, Hayden snaps her head around and a loud scream leaves her mouth. "Hi, baby. Mommy's back." I coo at her. 

Instead of a smile though, what I get is a loud wail in return as she stretches her arms to be picked up and Robin brings her close enough that she can actually reach me.

"What's wrong, baby?" I ask as she leans onto me but still in Robin's arms while I take my coat off. 

"She cried a bit. Started about 15 minutes ago." Robin said. "We knew you were coming back soon though." 

"She didn't cry at first. She had a good time. But about 15 minutes ago, I think she missed you so she's been inconsolable ever since. Robin got her to stop screaming about 3 minutes ago though." Anne says and I nod as Hayden remains screaming and pulling at my hair and clothes to get closer. 

"Anything else?" I ask as I finally pick her up. 

"Nothing. She just played the whole time you were gone." She says and I nod. 

"Thank you so much for keeping her." I say. 

"Our pleasure." Robin says. 

"I'm sorry we couldn't keep her longer." Anne says. 

"It was long enough. We had fun." I say smiling. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go calm her down a bit." I say and she nods. 

I walk into Harry's old bedroom and close the door behind me.   
I place Hayden sitting in bed as I remove the other layers of clothes I had on and the entire time she's on the bed, she wails like there's no tomorrow. 

When I'm down to just the thermal shirt and pants, I climb back into bed with her. 

As soon as I offer, she latches onto my breast and suckles with quite a bit of force.   
I rub her cheek to ease her up a bit but once she eases up, she lets go and cries again. 

"It's ok, baby. It's all there." I say to her as she looks up at me. "Take your time." I say as I guide her back to the breast. 

She nurses for a minute and then cries again. 

Harry pops his head in. 

"Do you need any help?" He asks as I look over my shoulders to see him at the door behind me. 

"No. But I'm guessing she won't settle without a fight." I sigh and he comes all the way in. 

"Do you need to take your shirt off?" He asks and I nod. "Do it. No one's coming." He says and I nod. 

I place Hayden in his arms so that I can remove my shirt as he removes her clothes.

"I'll go lock the door just in case." He says as he passes her back to me. 

As soon as her little chest touches my stomach she sighs deeply and I know instantly how much she actually cried. 

Tears instantly squeeze my throat at the thought but I swallow them back so as to avoid any further questions.

It's not that I don't trust Anne to watch her. It's just that I screwed up by not letting her out of my sight up until this point. She's now old enough but not mature enough. 

How I'm gonna get around to actually go on a full-day date with Harry or a New year's Eve party with him is now a huge concern. 

She keeps sighing from time to time as she nurses and her little hands hide between us as if she was trying to get as much contact as she possibly can. 

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and Harry goes to see who it is. 

"I just wanted to check if everything is ok. Does she need anything?" I hear Anne ask. 

"No. I think she's all set. She just needs time." Harry says. 

"Can I talk to Taylor?" 

"Uhm. Taylor is shirtless, mom." I hear him saying. "It's the fastest way to rein Hayden in." He says. 

"It's okay, Harry. Let her in." I say and I hear the door open further to let Anne come in. 

I've covered both Hayden and me with her blanket so I'm not completely exposed. 

"Is she ok?" Anne asks. 

"Yeah. She's ok." I say looking at her. 

"Are you?" 

"Yeah." 

"Have you never left her even with your parents before this?" She asks and I shake my head. "So you and Harry haven't been on a date in... How long?" I shrug. "Harry, go take a walk." She says over her shoulder and he nods. "Taylor, I know you have a mom for this and you don't have to talk to me at all about it, but has your mom talked to you about the strain a baby puts on any relationship?" 

"She didn't have to. I felt it." I say. 

"It's a healthy idea to take care of your relationship as well as your baby, honey." 

"I know. It's not like we haven't... You know." 

"I know. You two seem content enough so we figured. But a relationship is much more than just that." 

"I know." I sigh. 

"I'm not saying this because of Harry. He can handle himself. Though of course taking care of your relationship is good for him too and as his mom, I'm happy when he's happy. But I'm saying this because of you." She says. "You came back looking so happy and relaxed. You needed that. Time for yourself. Time to be an adult rather than someone's source of food and life." She says and tears come to my eyes. "Didn't you feel nice going out without her?"

"I did. But then I came back to my child so distressed she needed my most powerful way of reining her in. The only times she's ever needed this was when Harry was in New York and when she was sick." I say as tears roll down my face. 

"That's hard. I know." She says. "But it doesn't mean you're a bad mom. Doesn't mean you shouldn't go out ever. She's gonna learn that you'll always come back. Just give her some time." 

"Maybe I should wait until she's older though." 

"You should've done this much earlier, honey." She says. 

"I know. I screwed up." 

"No. You did not. You just didn't know any better." 

"But how is it good parenting when I'm out having fun while my daughter screams her head off at home?" I ask. 

"You're teaching her to discover a whole new world beyond you. Right now, you are all she knows so when you leave, she's scared. But there's so much more to the world than just you. By allowing her to get to know a world beyond you, you allow her to grow and develop and mature." She says. 

"But she's sighing from time to time. She triggered my letdown reflex with her crying and that hasn't happened in a while. That means she cried a lot in my absence. What if it's like this every time I go out?" I ask as a sob leaves me. 

"She did cry a lot. But give her some credit. She did stay in her best behavior for about an hour and a half while you were gone. 15 minutes of crying doesn't erase the 90 minutes she didn't cry." She says. "It won't always be like this, chicken. She'll learn. Just give her some time. This was the first time ever she's been without either of her parents and to complete the hassle, you did it with me. She doesn't know me as well as she knows your mama. Maybe if this was Andrea, she wouldn't have cried at all. But tonight we learned her limit and we learned that she can be away from you for a while. She just needs time to adapt." She says and I nod. "Tell me, did you have a good time tonight?" 

"I did." I say. 

"Did you spend some time with Harry?" 

"Yeah." She smirks. "Not like that." I hurry to say. 

"Any making out?" She asks and I blush. 

"No. The majority of the time we were at the pub, we were with his school friends and Gemma." 

"Afterwards?" 

"We didn't have much time. He promised me he'd get me home on time and he kept his word."

"I'm glad he did. We would've called if you two were late." She smirks. "But here's the thing. It's good you had fun with him and his mates. You need to have that kind of fun more often. But you also need to start planning fun for just the two of you. You need that and he does too." She says. 

"I know. And I want that. So much. But it's so hard to leave her." I cry.

"You don't have to leave her for long though." She says. "Go out, have dinner and then come back. Next time, have dinner and take a quick walk. Next time, have dinner and a movie. Before you know it, she'll be okay to wait for you for longer hours and you'll be able to live the romance of your relationship just fine with and without her. It's not a crime to want to be romanced and wooed and loved even after you have a baby, chicken. It's not a crime at all." She says. 

"I know but it's so hard. I hate to see her like this." 

"I know. But it gets better." She says. "Tell me, are you and Harry okay?" 

"Yeah. We're good." I say. 

"Healthy relationship? You know... Romance and everything?"

"Yeah. I mean, we don't go out without her so our date nights generally consist of home-cooked meals and light conversations while she sleeps upstairs." I say. "We've learned to time her so she doesn't wake up in the middle of anything. So that works." 

"I'm glad you two figured that out. But it's more than time for you to start having some time for yourself. Okay? Take some time to go out with your boyfriend and some time to go out with your friends too. That's what makes us feel normal and happy in a sense that a baby can't possibly provide. So make sure you look out for those moments. Okay?" 

"Thank you." I say. "For keeping her and for calming me down." I say and she smiles.

"Any time, darling." She says. "If you need anything, make sure to let me know." I nod. 

As she leaves, Harry returns to his post. 

"Are you okay?" He asks and I nod. "You've been crying." He says as his fingers trace my face. 

"It's all good now." 

"Should I not have taken you out?" He asks. 

"No. That was good. I had so much fun." I say but his frown doesn't ease up. "I had a great time with your best mates tonight. But then I came back to her distressed to the point of needing a shirtless nursing session and that made me feel guilty for having so much fun without her. But your mom talked to me and has actually made me feel better." I say and he nods. 

I lean towards him a bit and place a gentle kiss on his lips. 

"I don't know how new year's Eve is gonna go but about that date you promised..." 

"You don't have to do that. It's ok. I know how hard this was tonight." He says. 

"Sorry, but I'm gonna have to hold you to your promise." I smirk. 

"You still wanna go out?" He asks. 

"Yeah." He smiles. "But make it a matinee. She's much easier to handle at lunch than she is at dinner." I say and he nods. 

"You got it. Date night during the day is a go, ladies and gentlemen." He says and I laugh a bit. 

As Hayden lets go of the nipple, I move to sit against the headboard and get under the covers with her and Harry comes to sit by my side. Soon, as she lays on my chest, she's fast asleep and I'm back to being glad I went out tonight.

"I really did have a great time today. Thank you." I say and he moves to kiss me. 

"You're welcome, love." 

**Author's Note:**

> So there you have it.  
> Thank you so much for reading this.  
> Please, let me know what you think.


End file.
